[Currently playing: 'Children' by Robert Miles.
Song of the day: 'Passerby' by Mira.]
If I hadn't known any better, I should have never worked today.
Last night I was re-blue-ing my hair, all was fairly quiet. Ready for another day of sleeping in, right?? Well, the cell rang, and I checked--wait, who the hello is this number??
[Actually, I was hoping it was the boyfriend!! You can only imagine the slight glum when I found out it wasn't!!]
Turns out, the caller was Manager Larry. On his cell phone.
So needless to say, lots of people called in last night. I got drafted to help out today. And, while Grill Team Leader Karen was thankful I came in, she knows damn well that I am one to regret coming in on my day off. Today.
For a Sunday, it was hell on earth.
Lovely, this past week was filled with nothing short of chaos. Friday night and yesterday things somewhat improved. And for what? Fuck-all.
I can only pray that things get better. I have to be back at work tomorrow at 9 A.M., and I guess the only chance I have of catching up on sleep is Tuesday. That is, IF I don't get recruited for fill-in duty then. Even worse if Gwen calls in for tomorrow morning, then I'm really screwed: 5 A.M. again!!
As of right now, life is a total stand-still to me. Nothing extraordinairy's happened within the past two weeks [except for problems, problems and MORE problems], and my mood's actually worsened. I've tried all day to look at the bright side of life but, right now, with not just the day but the entire week having been hell and then some, all I want to do is hide in my apartment from the cruel, chaotic world. Tell society to fuck off [unless it's the boyfriend]. Oh, and cry. A lot.
I haven't had half the chance to cry yet, but I just know damn well that, before tonight's done, the tears will fall. Maybe... damn, I don't know. All I know is that, I just don't want what happened two months ago to happen again, to a worse extent.
For those who don't know the full story behind two months ago, here's a good chunk of the blog from NOOL [Y.A.N.R. NOOL version, Chapter 10: I've got no spirit, I've lost all feeling. (Is life worth living anymore?), from 23 May 2007]--
Alright, I need to vent.
After all that life's shoved me through--from insults to jokes to jerks and bastards always telling me I was and still am ugly, from being blamed for everything to never being understood, 23 years of disaster from when I was nothing more than an actual accident that should have NEVER happened...
...I've had it with life. It no longer has any exact meaning for me.
Let me just face what I'm calling my 'self-mirror'.
Or, let me rant at me. Fasten your safety belts for this one.
Okay, why? Why the hell do I have to sit here and deal with being ugly and misunderstood and blamed for every fucking thing that goes wrong? Why is it always my fault? Why did I have to be born!?
WHY DID I HAVE TO BE FUCKING BORN!?
And why does everyone say that life is worth living? For them it probably is but, to me...
to me, life is no longer livable.
At the time, life was nothing short of a mess. I thought it was better. And boy was I wrong as of this week.
I don't belong anywhere. I don't deserve to exist. I really don't.
No matter how happy I may seem, oh God, do I hate myself or what? I guess that's what 23 years of pain and tears does to you. Or me, in this case.
I mean, am I really a mistake? Am I just nothing more than a waste of time?
Am I?
I had to struggle with this question before. This week I had to struggle with it. Again.
For now, I guess, this is how I'm going to finish this blogpost. Somehow stuck in the same tear-filled desperation as two months ago. And it's as if it's gone on for ever...
I'm sure I'll find out if I live to see tomorrow. After all, nothing ever changes. Tomorrow's sunrise will be the same as today, which was the same as yesterday. It'll never change.
Tomorrow I'll probably be at the same workplace in the same uniform and the same drive-thru headset. The day will always be the same--work, run errands, try to chill out here and with friends. But...
it's always gonna be the same, isn't it?
And considering the fact that I've lost all hope in myself, it just adds to the pain that I face day in and day out.
If I live to see the next sunrise, I'll tell you about it tomorrow night. Though don't be surprised if it ends up just like today.
UttNR,C/XOXOXO/M,C.
~ Jenn [not feeling very 'sunny' today, folks]
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