*WARNING: If you don't want to read a goth/new wave/punk rock girl have a temper tantrum about life [complete with some profanity], DO NOT READ THIS BLOGPOST!! Download the songs instead, and listen to them. They'll magnify how my mood is at the moment.
Otherwise, I'm very short-fused. Proceed with caution.*
[Songs of the day:
Lost by Morrissey.
Passerby by Mira.]
Taking the title of an AFI song for a blog Chapter title means I've got more nerves and guts to tell life how it is, at least from my viewpoint.
I said it before last night, and I'll say it again [even if the boyfriend's questioning my sanity as he reads this--again *sigh*]:
Life is a dead-end street.
And I'll get to that in a moment. But first, the random b.s. of the day.
Work: Well, store manager was off today. Result - chaos. [As usual.] And of course, I'm stuck in the hole [back drive-thru--it's a joke, long story]. Gwen [best back drive-thru coworker besides Faith!!] actually kept me from having a fit and 3/4 during lunch today--as today was nothing more than a crappy continuation of last night. [To the boyfriend, sorry but things didn't improve. Except for two Iced Coffees today. Otherwise... *sigh*]
Two guys tried to hit on me. I told them both to get a life. [Hey, better than 'go to hell', right??] Manager Melissa thought I was playing hard to get, and Myshel thought I should've given one of them my number. Of course I reminded them that I didn't want to give them my number [hello, one-guy girl, c'est moi!], and of course they're like, But he's out of town!! Why don't you just find a boyfriend closer to home??
...oh, I don't know... maybe because I DON'T WANT TO!?
*sigh* It's really tough being me. It really, really is.
Break time - 7 A.M. - ...okay, why am I on break THIS early in the day? I don't really know. But fine, okay, whatever. I'll go on break when I'm told to, not gonna k'vetch [Hebrew word for 'complain'] about it or anything. So I had my break, only ate two Apple Pies [yeah, haven't eaten since, not hungry really...], got more batteries for the c.d. player, and got back to work.
So, the only thing I have to worry about tonight is, well, the fact that I'm helping my friend Faith out. Babysitting her son for a handful of hours tonight. Joshy likes my blue hair... I think.
Now, about life being a dead-end street--
I gave myself a good thinking-through last night as I returned home from the Underground, and it dawned on me for the first time in two months that, well... this world does not need a useless vessel like me. I mean, let's give some analysis here.
From the NOOL blog, 23 May 2007:
I don't know how much longer I'm going to give life more chances. Eventually I'll end up sending myself to the grave. Maybe.
I don't know. I'm not sure anymore about anything. I just don't know anymore.
Sadly, I thought I knew as of recently. As of last night however, realizing that life's just the same stuff every day, with nothing really special worth talking about [don't believe me? just reread some of the pointless stuff i've posted so far--and that's just about my day!!], I'm not so sure.
I asked myself this two months ago, and I asked myself this last night--Am I really a mistake? Am I really a waste of time? I mean, for one, aside from the boyfriend, who actually READS this blog? Who could even understand what the hell I'm talking about!?
Is anybody even listening to me anymore?
So I reread Sora's words--
'There is no need for the sadness in your eyes. Life is beautiful, and you are beautiful'
--and I have to wonder, is it really true?
I mean, I agree with Sora, and yet I disagree. Life, I guess, can be beautiful, and I know I'm beautiful. But, beauty fades. Beauty backfires.
Flowers die. Guys hit on me.
You see where I'm going with this?
Plus, while I know that, at this point if my friends were to read this they'd be worried sick about me, I really don't know what's the point of my life. Everybody's got something to talk about. Unfortunately, I don't. And, in the immortal words of Nine Inch Nails' own Trent Reznor, 'every day is exactly the same.' It's something I got used to. It's become, unfortunately, a way of life for me. Nothing ever really changes. For the managers it's Okay, Sunshine's here, drive-thru's fine. For the family it's Oh don't worry, Jenn'll be fine out there. Otherwise...
who really cares whether I wake up tomorrow or not?
I guess I'm probably the only person that has found something to talk about--something that goes as pointless really. I have no sounding board [my friends are all just about out of town], no exact way to scream 'WHAT THE FUCK!?' to the world, than for here. I'm mad as hell, and I don't know how much longer I'm going to take it.
Maybe I'll just die. Maybe I'll finally get promoted [fat chance in hell, folks]. Maybe I'll actually hear from someone I haven't seen in a while [again, fat chance]. Maybe I'll give life another try.
Problem with last sentence is that, how many more tries am I going to give it?
I guess I've got no exact other choice than to live in this monotony. If not for my sake, then for those that do give a damn. Whoever they are.
I'm just... I'm just tired. I don't really seem to care much anymore. The soul just numbs, the heart just suffers. I've got no spirit, I've lost all feeling.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's another lovely day in paradise.
I hope that something fun happens.
...the hell am I saying!? Not a lot of fun happens, and usually everyone else is having a blast and I'm just the last to know ANYTHING. I ask people kindly to not let me be the last to know, and what happens!? So I miss out on a party, or what Store Manager said, or on this, that and the other. Then when someone is like, Hey Sunny, did you hear about this, this and this!? and I'm like, No, why?, they're like, W.T.F.!? Why not!?
Uh, news flash: NO ONE TOLD ME A DAMN THING, THAT'S WHY!! NOW FUCK OFF!!
[I really apologize for the, erm, rather slightly excessive use of profanity today. But, as I'm not feeling quite wonderful today, and because life really sucks, I need to vent. Keep in mind--I did warn you guys.]
Well, I guess that's it for now. I guess you can say life did take a slight turn for the worse. Life's become the dead-end street, and its dead end is called lost.
So,
I guess I'll go babysit little Joshy for Faith, so she can take her midterm.
I guess I'll hang out at work with Joshy, just so the Closing Manager can have a laugh at me and I can just take it all in, slowly and painfully.
I guess I'll just write more poetry that probably no one will ever read.
I guess I'll write more pointless blog entries about my dull life.
I guess I'll keep telling persuing men to fuck off in my everyday I'm-spoken-for-so-no-number-for-you! form and fashion. [Or, I could take a cue from Howlin' Pelle from the Hives in the song Untutored Youth, 'seeing I extend my middle right hand digit and say, HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE LEMON OR LIME WITH THAT PIECE OF ADVICE, MISTER!?']
I guess I'll have my phone handy, in case the boyfriend e-mails [or calls, if ever] me.
I guess I'll go on living my so-called life. After all, I'm just a person, right?
Until the next round--maybe...
~ 'Sunshine'
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