31 May 2008

Chapter 132, Part 2/2: The End of the Month - Visions Blurred by Tears

Personal note to all Underground readers:
To be honest, it's been a helluva week and, in general, past 8 months. I have a lot on my mind, kind-of in tears at the moment as I'm picking myself up again. However, I will make this clear:

If I upset, offend or otherwise disturb any of y'all with what I'm about to say, I apologize in advance. I just have so much to get off my chest and, at the moment, it's best I get it out in the open like this.

It's just a very difficult time in my life right now, and while I doubt anyone I know really reads this blog, it's better to get it out of my system here. Hopefully if anyone I know reads this they'll understand what's been disturbing me for the better part of the last 8 months.

Again, I apologize if this offends anyone, and I hope you all understand where I'm coming from.

Thank you.




Song of the day:
Toy Soldiers - Martika

I swear to God, I really am in the middle of my quarter-life crisis.

Everything's been nothing short of insane for not just the week, but the near-entire 8 months since I turned 24. In another 4 months and 5 days I'll be reaching my Quarter-centennial, and to be honest, I'm scared as hell about it. There's a part of me that's been reeling in circles like a hamster in its spinning wheel going God-only-knows-how-many Miles Per Hour, simply trying to live life to the best of it. There's another part of me that's scared for the moment I face death suddenly and unprepared [GOD FORBID!!]. And then there's that part of me that's returned to the corner of my misery.

How the hell did I land back in the depression I swore not to fall into again?

I struggle to keep myself going, to hang on in there. Being with my Choir, being with my coworkers, and my best friends--they've all kept me in check, they'd been there for me through the thick and thin of it. And even during my times of being alone in my solitude I'd kept myself busy--Cemetery Excursions, anyone? Except, after a while, being by myself gets old, so fast. Mainly because I've spent so much time alone, but it's hard to be with people sometimes as well because, I spend so much of every week dealing with people--and *NEWS FLASH* that's just at work!!

It's been right around a year since I started going out with my NOW-ex Mike [he broke up with me last August, remember?]. It's been a rough year since--I'm going out with Siren now, and as most of the world who's read things here know my last ex Hikari broke up with me six months after Mike did [that was this past February, right?].

--quick skip down memory lane--
Monday 25 February 2008 - Chapter 98: So Much For My Happy Ending
Monday 27 August 2007, six months exact - Chapter 51 and Chapter 51b: So I Was Wrong All Along

And I've got my main fears over my relationship with Siren as well. And I swear, I shouldn't be. I love him--I ACTUALLY LOVE HIM MORE THAN I CAN PUT INTO WORDS!!--and I know damn well that he loves me. So why? Why am I so damn afraid?

Because of the fear that, my heart's going to be broken in the end. Again and again and again.

I've hated myself time and again for wasting emotions on someone but, I learn from my past failures in my war versus Cupid. At the same time I think, How on earth am I still here? What am I that men should even look in my direction? I'm just some panic-happy, hyper yet emo, somewhat-complicated young woman in her mid-20's. What have I to offer? And I shouldn't think myself this low. I really, REALLY shouldn't. Because I'm a beautiful punk girl with blue hair that's just been struggling to live to the best that I can.

I hope to God above that, in the midst of all this, Siren and I can see past whatever difficulty crosses our paths. Which, at the moment, is distance. He's in Iowa for his internship. And it's been a rough first week so far. I know in my nerves he's been so stressed, and I don't really know what I can do to help him. All I can do, for now, is pray for him from a distance and hold on to memories. But it's so hard to keep a chin up when it's sunken to the chest, wondering if all is well while so far apart.

Work's been chaotic as well. We're down to four Managers now. And this upcoming Thursday we have a big inspection. I shouldn't be nervous except, as I'm the only Crew Trainer in the store now and the remaining five Brown-Shirts are Manager Trainees [three of 'em are up for their Food Safety examinations in a couple of weeks], and this being my first Inspection as a Brown-Shirt, it's hard not to get worried because, we Brown-Shirts have a huge responsibility to our Higher-Ups. So the most I can do is, well, to do my best to make sure procedures are followed to the best of it. But also, apparently, from what our Store Manager said, we have a new group of Store Owners, new Supervisors.

Alright, can I just say, I'm so nervous it's a bit stupid! now?

So needless to say, it's going to be a very long workweek next week. Right after a funeral tomorrow as well--second funeral in two months. It only brings back the fear of death.

I confess--I'm afraid to die.

I don't do funerals too well. At all. They serve as a constant reminder that life's too short, that death's omnipresent no matter what-all else goes on. I know within my heart and entire being that, I'll be at peace with God when I die. But the sheer thought of it... the possibility that I'll soon end up dead so unexpectedly...

we're not guaranteed tomorrow. And it scares me so much.

I've lost a few good people dear to me--my Great-Grandparents, the first Priest to be my best friend, a former enemy who became one of the dearest friends 'til his death, and even a cancer survivor that lost her second battle--and known people who've lost those dear to them. I'm constantly scared that someone I know and love is going to die and I not even having a chance to tell that person, I love you, I appreciate all you've done for me in my life, I thank you, and I mean that. I don't ever want to have to live with that kind of regret, even though there will always be at least one person I'll fail to tell this to, and then like a leaf that falls onto a puddle of water... they're gone.

Life can't be wasted. Not while, in the midst of all this chaos, I have so much going on in my life. But it's hard to keep my eyes straight ahead towards my next challenge head-on when my vision's blurred with tears. And that's fine--I need to cry. I haven't had a good cry in a while. And I can only fight back tears of frustration, of misunderstanding, of fear, of hopelessness and despair, of longing, of wasted patience, for so long. I can't keep all this inside of me, or else [again, God forbid!] I'll end up self-destructing in some sort of manner.

And I think this is why I'm doing this now--I only have so far in my life to go, I can't stop now. Not here.

Not while I have a family who loves me no matter what.
Not while I have a good circle of friends who have my back.
Not while I have a boyfriend that though at the moment he can't always be there for me [and that's understandable, really], he loves me as much as I love him.
Not while I have a strong support group of coworkers who lift me up when I fall.
Not while I have so much going on in my life.
Not while I have just begun to LIVE my life.

It's hard not to worry when there's a hole in the ceiling. It's hard when my main chain of friends is about to break for the summer. It's hard when at times I think God's not with me, though I know He'll never forsake me.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be falling apart altogether--and I can't. And I won't. But I can't keep all this anger, all the tears, all this pain and hurt inside of me.

I have more tears to cry but, at the very least, I feel a lot better because, now it's out of my system, and into the hands of God. And I can start to let go.

My first official order of business, now that this is off of my chest, and after all my tears have been cried:

To find the people that I love and let them know how much I love them...



~ me.

Chapter 132, Part 1/2: The End of the Month - Circondare di Miseria [Misery Surrounding] *a poem*

Tutto l'istante, tutto è bene con il mondo.
Ma, in mezzo a tutto questo, rotture deve essere gridatoe.
Malgrado vita che è piena delle possibilità,
ci è ancora quella probabilità quello,
mentre affronto sorridere del mondo,
ci sono ancora rotture da gridare.

Dove tutto è andato male?

Come potrebbe la vita,
una volta che così bello e pieno delle possibilità,
ora trasformi in una tempesta terribile?

Attaccato nel mezzo di caos,
che cosa è una ragazza come me da fare?
Ho nessun altro intorno per difenderlo,
nessuno dal mio lato per proteggerlo.
Sembra a me quello,
non importa come provo duro,
niente sembra andare come esso debba.

Caro Signore, dove siete per asciugare le mie rotture?
Perché lo avete abbandonato come questo?

Perché…




*translation from the italian*

All the while, all is well with the world.
But, in the midst of all this, tears must be cried.
Despite life being full of possibilities,
there is still that chance that,
while I face the world smiling,
there are still tears to cry.

Where did it all go wrong?

How could life,
once so beautiful and full of possibilities,
now turn into a terrible storm?

Stuck in the middle of chaos,
what is a girl like me to do?
I have no one else around to defend me,
nobody by my side to protect me.
It seems to me that,
no matter how hard I try,
nothing seems to go as it should.

Dear Lord, where are you to dry my tears?
Why have You abandoned me like this?

Why...



~ me

29 May 2008

Chapter 131, Part 2/2: So Much More Than Expected

*sigh* Wow, where to begin...

Well, for one, I finally--finally!!--got a proper pair of shoes for the wedding, to match my pretty blue dress. Which, by the way, I'll have to make sure to get some proper pictures of me in said attire, blue hair and all, before I head out the weekend of 12 July, which is the weekend of the wedding. Special thanks to my pal and coworker Elver for putting up with my shoe-hunting fervor, as well as for dinner [sushi for the second night straight, sheesh]. I am so happy this little minor helluva detail's done and over with!

Meanwhile, Siren's in Iowa now, for the better part of the next 9 and a half weeks. He left Saturday, as we all kinda-sorta know. Well, he's been awful busy and, I don't blame him, really. *sigh* I just hope he's alright. Weather's been cold and rainy over there. :-\

Love makes people do some rather odd things, sometimes.

Meanwhile, things have been miraculously alright at work, considering that things at work have been anything but wonderful. One Manager's on vacation. One got transferred, another got fired. Store Manager Joel's opening almost all week. Manager Rabbit's been closing most of the week. Manager Melissa supposedly has to close Saturday night and be back an hour and 15 minutes later to open later on Sunday morning.

Meh, as if I haven't had enough drama. :-\

So... I guess, that's basically about it for now. Oh and, check out my MySpace. It's somewhere on the blog, the links section. I updated it proper. More or less!!

Until the next round...

Chapter 131, Part 1/2: Happy Thursday, folks!!

And this time, it's a DOUBLE Top-20 WSUR, as Last.fm finally got its act together. *LOL*

The Top 20 for LAST Thursday 22 May 2008 [and mind you, it's an, erm, offbeat top 20 this time!] -

1] "What's Goin' On?" - Marvin Gaye
2] "Full of Grace" - Sarah McLachlan
3] "Moon Revenge" - *artist unknown - from Sailormoon R movie soundtrack*
4] "Black Milk" - Massive Attack
5] "Nummern/Computerwelt 2" - Kraftwerk
6] "Cars" - Gary Neuman
7] "English Summer Rain" - Placebo
8] "The Queen Is Dead [Take Me Back to Dear Old Blighty]" - The Smiths
9] "The Distance" - Cake
10] "Grace of God" - Clay Aiken
11] "Blue Bell Knoll" - The Cocteau Twins
12] "Under Pressure" - Queen and David Bowie
13] "Turn the Page" - Chantal Kreviazuk
14] "Punk Rock Girl" - The Dead Milkmen
15] "Almost With You" - The Church
16] "Where the Streets Have No Name" - U2
17] "Toraware no Sailor Soldiers" - *artist unknown - from Sailormoon - SailorStars t.v. series soundtrack*
18] "Inertia Creaps" - Massive Attack
19] "The Water" - Feist
20] "Sakura Taisen" - *artist unknown - theme song from Sakura Taisen*

And now...
This Thursday's Top 20 WSUR!! *squee!!*

1] "Christf*ck" - :wumpscut:
2] "Driver 8" - R.E.M.
3] "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others" - The Smiths
4] "Lovesong" - The Cure
5] "Mesh" - New Order
6] "Nummern/Computerwelt 2" - Kraftwerk
7] "Halo" - Depeche Mode
8] "Adorations" - Killing Joke
9] "Rubber Ring" - The Smiths
10] "Love Will Tear Us Apart" - Joy Division
11] "Talk Show Host" - Radiohead
12] "Ask For Answers" - Placebo
13] "Karma Police" - Radiohead
14] "Teardrop" - Massive Attack
15] "She's Lost Control" - Joy Division
16] "Sketch For Summer" - The Durutti Column
17] "Expo 2000" [Underground Resistance Thought 3 Remix] - Kraftwerk
18] "Evil Has Never" - Union of Knives
19] "Stripped" - Depeche Mode
20] "Tulips" - Bloc Party

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeehey! are we all caught up now or what!? *LOL*

25 May 2008

Chapter 130: One By One I'll Knock Ya Out!!

It seems that, the song of the day being "Cellphone's Dead" by Beck, I'm still stuck on last-Friday-night mode. Went to catch Ani and his best pal Barbara at Coffee Bistro 101, then Benny Loco at Caffe daVinci afterwards, Friday night. Awesome night all around.

Two other songs that made some good noise inside were the DFA Remix of "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. and the Soulwax Remix of "Get Innocuous!" by LCD Soundsystem. Overall Benny Loco's mix set was incredible. I loved it!!

Benny Loco mixes it up at Caffe daVinci - Friday 23 May 2008

In other [and, er, not-so-good] news, fellow Chorister Connie's husband passed away this week; funeral's next Sunday afternoon so, :-\ yeah. It's bound to be a long week this week.

More later, when I can think a bit more proper...

~ me

23 May 2008

Chapter 129: Because Photobucket's adding to my Quarter-Life Crisis...

...it seems I'm having a minor helluva time sending a picture to Karl Bartos, formerly of Kraftwerk, through a message at his site. So, attempting MySpace and, should all else fail, here.

*clickable thumbnail. thank goodness.*

Die Mensch-Maschine... wait, how'd you say Remix in German?

*sigh* Hopefully I can get the word across that, really, there IS more than one way to remix a Mensch-Maschine.

Until the next round...

Chapter 128: I SURVIVED!! ...well, sort-of.

And by sort-of I mean, let's just say I've got two slammed elbows and 3 1-centimeter-long burn marks on my left wrist from when it accidentally kissed a just-out-of-the-fry-vat French Fry basket.

So, I'm off for the weekend. *squee!!* However [comma] that doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet. Still got pictures to take on Sunday for the Choral Yearbook which, by the way, was put together in three hectic hours Wednesday night. You can check it out here: Cantate Domino! ~ The Choral Yearbook 2007-2008

In other news, it's a Kraftabulous day today for an overdose of Kraftwerk.

Until the next round...

22 May 2008

P.S. It may be Thursday but...

...stupid Last.fm doesn't have any Charts ready for me as of yet. Sooo... no countdown unti next week sometime. Most likely Thursday.

*sigh* I swear, there's gotta be more to life than this mess.

Until the next round...

Chapter 127: *sigh* There's Gotta Be More to Life Than a Quarter-Life Crisis

Song of the night: "Loungin" by LL Cool J [what!?]

Okay... so this week, I've been a bit, erm, bitch-happy.

Yesterday the only weak area of my ceiling fell DOWN [see yesterday's Chapter 126] and, while thankfully it was only on the stove, it's only the beginning of matters.

Siren is also about to head out to Iowa for his 10-week internship, which means that I won't be able to see him again until July, when his sister gets married to *hello!* Agathangelos. [Yes, I am dating my friend the Good Angel's future brother-in-law. All of a sudden, this world got even smaller.] With that comes his being so God-awful busy it's almost impossible to want to send him a text. So, I haven't really opted to trouble him further with my disasters.

Speaking of the wedding, I have to find a properly good pair of shoes to match my dress. And while I have two months to fight and figure it out, it's not like I go through this often. So, hopefully the shoe issue will be resolved soon... maybe.

This week, it's been all 5 A.M. until God only knows when. I'm off Saturday and Sunday, but what the ish am I to do on Saturday? *sigh* I don't really know. Saturday's when Siren leaves for Iowa. So what's a princess to do when on her off-day her cowboy's leaving for 10 weeks?

Simple--mope like hell.

I haven't had the chance to work on re-blue-ing my hair as of yet. Too much going on, especially with work and, of course, my falling-apart ceiling. And adding to it, I really don't intend to go to family dinner Saturday night, simply because then I'll simply glare all night. Especially at [Step]Mom, because she was the one who found me my current apartment. I already gave her advance warning that I planned on not attending, for fear that my ill-attitude that might hurt the occassion. I can't afford to let that happen.

Now, ranting a bit about my apartment situation--God forbid that I may have to find another place to live that's close to both the Underground and my job, that I can actually afford. Right now my current place is $500/month, utilities included [yeah, it's a small efficiency apartment, yay], 20-minute walk one way to work, 20-minute walk the other way to the Underground. And I've been living here for about a year so far, so then... how the hell...

how the hell could things begin to go wrong after a year?

Really, things have been hectic since I turned 24 last October. Life's been nothing short of a chaos-go-round the past near-7 months. I'm actually scared of turning 25, the big Quarter-Centennial. Seriously. I'm not looking forward to it at all. In fact, I'm already in the middle of my quarter-life crisis.

I've been isolating myself and talking only to my coworkers [oh, and Hikari (Casey), my ex, 'cause he's my buddy, so why the heck not?] because, right now, they're the only people I've got left to talk to. The Choral Season's drawing to a close this Sunday upcoming [which means a LOT less people to vent to]. Everybody's going to be busy with vacation. The closest I'll be having to a vacation is the weekend of the wedding--leave Friday evening 11 July, return early Sunday morning 13 July, spend Monday and Tuesday recovering, back to work on Wednesday 16 July [which has prompted me to say, "Vacation? WHAT VACATION!?"].

Really, I could take the rest of the week off, but unfortunately as I am just a 7.80/hour minimum-wage working-class punk I can't afford to. And of course my $600 tax rebate from the U.S. Government won't be in until next month, but that's going to be for [hopefully with my Uncle Leo's help] a vehicle so I can at least get to work and back.

Welcome to the quarter-life crisis that is my life. I need a Kleenex, stat.

~ Sunshine

21 May 2008

Chapter 126: ...but for the love of... [The rant of the day]

How the hell can one small leak in the cracks in an area of the ceiling above the stove in my tiny efficiency apartment turn into this...



And where'd it all come from? Why, look up, idiot.



I swear, as if I haven't had enough to bitch about so far...



Until the next round...

20 May 2008

Chapter 125-2/2: Past the Cemetery Gates - Pinewood

For Kit and her boyfriend, who sooo missed out...

Into the Sea of Time

Ruins

...and Past the Cemetery Gates

Innocence

In the Safety of Stone

O For the Wings of a Dove

Sealed Away

Monument and Circumstance

the monument slab at the foot of the giant cross from the previous pic
"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."

"Lord, remember me when Thou comest into Thy Kingdom - Luke XXIII, 46."

Expanse

Death Goeth Before Me

So Many, So Few

Our Sister

Steep Monuments

Born Not Unto Earth, But Unto God

Downhill

Known Only to God

From the Heights of Heaven to the Depths of Earth

Date of Excursion: Thursday 15 May 2008
Codenamed: The Main Street Excursion

Chapter 125-1/2: Past the Cemetery Gates - Oakdale

One of the oldest Cemeteries, possibly THE oldest, in DeLand...

Beyond the Cemetery Gates

The Angel Statues Weep, the Real Angels Rejoice

Into the Trees...

Untold Innocence

Our Lamb

A Soldier Not Forgotten

Plant of Earth, Plant of Stone

*this was from the grave of a two-day-old newborn*
Lamb of God, Angel of Heaven

Another Young Soul

The monument at the head of the tomb in 'Another Young Soul'

Wooden Tombstone, Stony Grave

A close-up of its inscription is at the next pic

The Name of the Dead

Mercers' Scrolls

Keeping Secrets

Date of Excursion: Sunday 6 April 2008
Codenamed: A Sunday Afternoon Stroll

Chapter 124, Part 2/2 - Updating on the Cemetery Excursions...

You know, I failed to mention one Cemetery that should be on my list.

So, as of now...

~ Baker [or Union?] Cemetery *visited*
~ Bethel Cemetery
~ Charitable Cemetery
~ DeLand Memorial Gardens
~ Gibralter Mausoleum
~ Glenwood Cemetery
~ Hidden cemetery near I-4
~ Lungren Cemetery
~ Oakdale Cemetery *already visited, pics up in Chapter 125*
~ Pentecostal Holiness Church Cemetery
~ Potter's Field Cemetery *visited, no pics though*
~ Pinewood Cemetery, Daytona Beach *visited last Thursday, pics up in Chapter 125*

I'm thinking of adding more Cemeteries to that list...! *smirk*

There but for the Grace of God go I...

~ "Sunshine"

Chapter 124, part 1/2 - The Top 20 WSUR for LAST Thursday *facepalm*

Once again I'm a bit behind, my apologies, but I've been horribly busy [including a friend bailing on me at the last minute on last Thursday's Cemetery Excursion to the Main Street Cemetery in Daytona, which meant I went by myself]. But, things should be better as I go along...

The Top 20 WSUR for last Thursday, 15 May 2008...

1] "Ashes" - Clay Aiken
2] "On My Way Here" - Clay Aiken
3] "Forget I Ever Knew You" - Clay Aiken
4] "Something About Us" - Clay Aiken
5] "Grace of God" - Clay Aiken
6] "Weight of the World" - Clay Aiken
7] "Where I Draw the Line" - Clay Aiken
8] "Lover All Alone" - Clay Aiken
9] "The Real Me" - Clay Aiken
10] "Falling" - Clay Aiken
11] "Everything I Don't Need" - Clay Aiken
12] "Banquet" - Bloc Party
13] "Sacrificial Love" - Clay Aiken
14] "As Long As We're Here" - Clay Aiken
15] "Black Milk" - Massive Attack
16] "Russian Roulette" - Lords of the New Church
17] "Winter" - Stockholm Monsters
18] "Nummern/Computerwelt 2" - Kraftwerk
19] "Love My Way" - Psychedelic Furs
20] "More" - Virgos Merlot

08 May 2008

Chapter 123: Two. Bloody. Weeks. BEHIND!!!

Alright, I'm apologizing, big time, to all my Underground folks. Yeah, I'm two weeks behind on this. Last Thursday I had to work, and today I'm off. So, time to make up for things.

Last week's Top-20 WSUR charted as follows-
1] "Banquet" - Bloc Party
2] "The Answer" - Bloc Party
3] "Tulips" - Bloc Party
4] "In a Big Country" - Big Country
5] "Nummern/Computerwelt 2" - Kraftwerk
6] "I Know What Boys Like" - The Waitresses
7] "Bizarre Love Triangle" - New Order
8] "Ana Ng" - They Might Be Giants
9] "Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
10] "Peek-a-boo" - Siouxsie and the Banshees
11] "Don't Change" - INXS
12] "Pioneers" - Bloc Party
13] "Rise" - Public Image Ltd.
14] "Suedehead" - Morrissey
15] "Marcia Baila" - Les Rita Mitsouko
16] "Positive Tension" - Bloc Party
17] "This Modern Love" - Bloc Party
18] "Love Plus One" - Haircut 100
19] "Little Thoughts" - Bloc Party
20] "So Here We Are" - Bloc Party

Now as for this past week, the Top-20 was taken over by Band of Horses. Literally. All top 20 tracks were from them. I was on BoH-overload, basically.

Sooo... I'm going to post the Top-20 songs, just BELOW all that BoH.

The Top-20 WSUR for this past week, as of today -

1] "Marcia Baila" - Les Rita Mitsouko
2] "True Faith" - New Order
3] "Witchcraft" - Book of Love
4] "Everything's Gone Green" - New Order
5] "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out" - The Smiths
6] "Lips Like Sugar" - Echo and the Bunnymen
7] "Situation" - Yazoo
8] "Heaven" - The Psychedelic Furs
9] "The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
10] "Suedehead" - Morrissey
11] "Do You Remember Rock-N-Roll Radio?" - The Ramones
12] "Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
13] "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" - The Clash
14] "I Will Follow" - U2
15] "Sex [I'm a...]" - Berlin
16] "I Melt With You" - Modern English
17] "Enjoy the Silence" - Depeche Mode
18] "I Wanna Be Adored" - The Stone Roses
19] "West End Girls" - Pet Shop Boys
20] "Goody Two Shoes" - Adam Ant

*WHEW!!* All caught up now. Stay tuned for more musical madness on WSUR!!

...or not?

~ "Sunshine"

[What goes down in the Underground...]

Mondays start the new workweek. Wednesdays tend to differ, depending on if I need to work or not--usually I'm off, and usually visiting "Uncle" Joseph. Thursdays is the Daughters of the King meeting night. Fridays and Saturdays are normally hectic--never the same drama twice. Sundays = Church day. I update the blog accordingly, with a rant or two, the occasional music post, and sometimes the most random nonsuch.

So stay tuned, because things are fixing to get interesting... and, save your forks--the best is yet to come...

~ me