Chapter 267 ~ The Post-Chicago Post, and... and, a True Like!?

Yes, you Citizens read proper. But first, last week's Random 20!

1) "Crystal" - New Order.
2) "Electricity" - OMD.
3) "Just Can't Get Enough" - Depeche Mode.
4) "Wild Is the Wind" - David Bowie.
5) "Casual Affair" - Tonic.
6) "Abram" - José González.
7) "Hopelessly" - Rick Astley.
8) "Stinkfist" - Tool.
9) "Body and Soul" [12" EP version] - Sisters of Mercy.
10) "Raining In Baltimore" - Counting Crows.
11) "Suffer Well" - Depeche Mode.
12) "Black or White" - Michael Jackson.
13) "What's Your Fantasy?" - Ludacris. [Yes... Ludacris. Shush.]
14) "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps.
15) "Losing My Religion" - R.E.M.
16) "Sunday" [Night Operations Mix] - Exchange.
17) "I Love a Man In Uniform" - Gang of Four.
18) "Like a G-6" [feat. The Cataracts and Dev] - Far East Movement.
19) "Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra.
20) "Seekers Who Are Lovers" - Cocteau Twins.

So Chicago was fantastic. Absolutely FANTASTIC. I enjoyed staying at my Mom and Stepdad's for the weekend... but 4 days aren't enough. So next year I will be up there for a whole week. I'm already looking forward to it! :-)

One of the big highlights, was visiting not one but TWO Cathedrals over the weekend! Holy Name is the Roman Catholic Cathedral, St. James is the Episcopal Cathedral. Both are absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully we will be able to stop in again when I visit next year.

Meanwhile... last week after I got back from Chicago, I spent a LOT of time with Motoki-chan. Which pretty much pissed off Zokusho-san... yeah. Things got pretty ugly between us. However, I'm not sorry about it... I mean, yes, we broke up, but communication was actually decent until I told him I was visiting Mokoti and he [the ex] basically acted like an ass about it. Which isn't necessarily great because, yes, we were together for 3 years. It *is* a long time. But I am not going to stay with someone who will only continue to hurt me... and if he can't respect me, then I'll find someone who will. As much as I loved him, I love myself more to realise, I should've just been done with him sooner. Of course, I would've hoped to keep talking to him as a friend, but last week when he reared his ugly side around... yeah. So as of last night, I'm done talking to him until he can prove to me he isn't as much of a jerk as he's been. And if that isn't the case, and he really is showing his true colors, then I'm done talking to him for good. I don't need a "friend" whom I can't talk about a damn thing anymore to. Bottom line.

Speaking of Motoki-chan, yes... it might not be true love, but it's a definite "True Like," to quote him. We like each other, we love each other, but we're not in love with each other... does that make sense? I would hope so. It made sense to the both of us!!

We've spent a LOT of time with each other last week. [The perks of having an in-town "True Like": in this case, he's a 40-minute walk from my apartment!] Going for dinner's turned into staying over at his place a handful of times. [And before y'all start, NO we have not done the deed. We are NOT going to rush it. Get those minds out of the gutter, folks.] We don't always get to see each other, but when we can, we make the time. So much more worth the effort.

Best part--he's someone I can be Jenn around. I love it. I thought I could be Jenn around Zokusho-san... nope. Not the same around Motoki-chan. He's someone I can let loose and be ridiculous with... yeah. I need someone like that in my life.

So yeah... that's the latest between Chicago and Motoki-chan...

En route to lunch...
~ me

Chapter 266 ~ Chicago, Day 1

So today I flew out to Chicago by way of Atlanta. Shout-out to Delta Airlines for taking good care of me. And a HUGE thank-you to my brother for taking me to the Airport this morning. It's been a fantastic first day so far.

I miss my dear Motoki, and he misses me too. We spent Wednesday evening AND last night together, with lots of hugs and snugs and kisses. And... and, yeah. *sigh* He's happy for me as I'm up on a much-needed vacation... he's also looking forward to lots more of those hugs, snugs and kisses after I get back!!

*le sigh*
~ me.

Chapter 265 ~ The Pre-Chicago Blogpost.

The Starian Union Random 20 for Thursday 8 August 2013.
+ "I Want You" [original extended 12" version] - Cabaret Voltaire.
+ "So Here We Are" - Bloc Party.
+ "It's The Falling In Love" - Michael Jackson.
+ "A Tattered Line Of String" - The Postal Service.
+ "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.
+ "I Want You" - Savage Garden. [Yes, now STFU.]
+ "Blind Dumb Deaf" [BBC Sessions version] - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Electric Blue" [Steve Thompson US Remix] - Icehouse.
+ "Mercury" - Counting Crows.
+ "Battle Of Who Could Care Less" - Ben Folds Five.
+ "I Would Do Anything For You" - Foster the People.
+ "Celtic Aggression" - Tonic.
+ "Hey Now!" - Oasis.
+ "Locomotion" - Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
+ "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys.
+ "Wonder 'Bout" - Utada.
+ "Mothers Talk" [7" single version] - Tears For Fears.
+ "Positive Tension" [Jason Clark of Pretty Girls Make Graves Remix] - Bloc Party.
+ "Speak No Evil" - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Lullaby" - The Cure.

...yep. Not a bad way to start this post off. I need to get back to doing that!

Now, tomorrow, I'm going to be flying up to Chicago for the weekend. Flying back on Monday. I'm very excited... haven't seen my Mom in, what? Some 5 years maybe? Yeah, this weekend's gonna be awesome. I'm psyched!!

Meanwhile... yeah... things have improved between Motoki and I. Which is good... because, well, yeah. We like each other... we just need time, which is kinda sparse, so we make the time when we can. And that's okay... I can live with it.

And, yeah... I won't even get to talking about work... just, no.

Who's ready for Chi-town? THIS GIRL.
~ me!

Chapter 264 ~ "When I come back down..."

Song of the Day|"Come Back Down" ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket.

*sigh* So yeah... things are quiet between Motoki and I. Although I must admit, I'm a little surprised he's been texting me a few times the past couple of days. However, right now, the way my heart's been hurting... yeah. This isn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt like this--crushes don't leave you feeling like your lungs are filled with deadened lead and your heart unable to calm down so easily.

Yeah. This is definitely *not* a crush. I'm afraid to admit that it's love though... OmG...

There was a student at the Parish School who was killed Friday... so to add to Larry's death... yeah, I'm just a wreck of sorts. Haven't really been able to calm down enough to regain all of me, between the deaths and Motoki. It's been really difficult to think straight the past few days... I don't know... I hate hurting like this but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WON'T GO AWAY.

*sigh* FML.

"Oh God, I'm so damn tired..."
~ me.

Chapter 263 ~ ...now, where was I?

Alright folks... I'm back. And I've got a lot to say. Sit down, buckle up, here we go.

For a start, as of this past June I am *no longer* dating Sprocket--no, actually codename change to Zokusho because someone else has the codename Sprocket and this is one of the good guys. [See? I told y'all a lot happened in the past 2 years!] But anywho, yes, I broke up with Zokusho, for all the right reasons. Long story short: yes, we did have our good times, but he's not worth the anxiety attacks I've suffered in the few months leading up to the break-up. We've since spoken on the phone; however, no, for the record, I am NOT going back with him.

I never thought I'd quote Taylor Swift but "we are never, ever, ever getting back together." Valid point too. Not worth it anymore.

Which brings me to, nope. I am NOT moving to Tampa. Obviously. Zokusho and I tried time and again... in vain. But now with the break-up there really isn't much of a point anymore concerning myself with Tampa. Plus, right now, I am needed here in DeLand... probably moreso now than I realised.

Example A: I am now serving as both Secretary AND Treasurer in my DOK Chapter. Double-duty, yes, but with the help of a couple of fellow Daughters my task isn't as difficult as it looks. Yes it can be stressful, but I have been faring well with it so far. Next month is the Diocesan Fall Assembly and this year my parish is hosting it. LOTS of preparing to do.

Speaking of, we have a new Assistant Rector--Fr. Comforted Keen, who just retired a few months ago from serving as Rector of Church of the Holy Child in Ormond Beach. He was the Priest who was at my first DOK gathering some 3 or 4 years ago--and he was at my Cursillo last year. I told him then that I remembered him from that DOK meeting, and he thought it was wonderful that I remembered him. Now he's going to be my Assistant Priest and really, I'm rather thrilled. He's a great preacher and a wonderful human being. These next three years will be interesting... bring 'em on.

So, anyone remember Jason from the Antics? Yeah. So, we dated maybe once some 3 years ago, before I started dating Zokusho. And to think I had the giggles for him... uhm...

WTF was I thinking?

...oh, right. I probably wasn't.

Anywho, yes, we're friends now. But we don't really hang out much, mostly we just text and talk on the phone from time to time. I'll give him credit though--he *has* stopped me once from doing something stupid to myself. Thankfully.

Which leads me to a few suicide-related matters, the first being that I did attempt suicide a 2nd time this past November. No, I'm not proud of it, but I would rather bring the issue to light than to sweep it under the rug like society tends to do. I'm sorry, but if you can talk to your kids about sex and drugs, then it should be more than acceptable to talk to your kids about suicide. Unfortunately society has conditioned us to not address suicide, let alone mental illness--which prompts me basically to give society the proverbial middle finger, by talking about it, addressing these things.

"Oh, it'll never happen to me." I call bullsh*t. If little Miss Happy Me attempted suicide twice, sure as *censored* it can happen to anybody. It needs to be addressed.

Secondly, I now help as a volunteer of sorts in the Survivors of Suicide group at my church. Been attending since February, and I wish I had the time allowed me to do that much sooner. Better late than never though--my friend Laura facilitates these meetings, which are twice a month. Sometimes it'll be just us two, sometimes there'll be another person with us. Worth attending these meetings... for real.

And... well... yes... there kinda-sorta *is* someone I am talking to. But things aren't necessarily great between him and I... we're working on it. I have no idea how long this is gonna take, but I believe it'll be worth the work and the wait. Because, we do like each other... but of course, as I unfortunately end up stuck in, it's a case of the "great person, not-so-great timing." Which I hate but... *sigh* ah well.

And lastly, at it was some 5 years ago, Death's been making his rounds. Except, it's worse than it was when I was approaching 25... and I'll be 30 in some 2 months! I have been to 7 funerals since Christmas Eve [yes, you Citizens read that proper], and just yesterday my good buddy Larry died from cancer and pneumonia. Last time I was hit with news this devastating, it was Christmas Eve when my fellow Chorister Marcia passed away. This is worse however, as Larry was my very first friend at St. Barnabas and... well... yeah. Between that and Motoki-chan breaking my heart yesterday, really I'm just a wreck right now. There isn't very much I can do about all of this unfortunately... the most I can do right now, is cry, and hang in there.

I'm sure there's probably more to update on, but I'm honestly exhausted from today and the past two days. And really, all I want to do is just go home, cry and sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. And cry. And...

--yeah, I think y'all get the idea.

Wishing there was a "Redo" button...
~ me.

Chapter 260 ~ Love, part III

+ "Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

+ "If you listen to the wind very carefully, you'll be able to hear me whisper my love for you."
— Andrew Davidson

+ "The only way you can conquer me is through love and there I am gladly conquered"
— Krishna

+ "Love? It's when you don't give a thought to all the ifs and want-to's in the world. It's when if all the fires of hell were between you, you'd walk in them gladly to be with him, and sing with joy at your own burnin' if only his kiss was on your mouth."
— Stephanie Kallos (Broken for You)

+ "Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down. "
— Drew Barrymore

+ "Love binds, and it binds forever. Good binds while evil unravels. Separation is another word for evil; it is also another word for deceit."
— Michel Houellebecq (The Elementary Particles)

+ "Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. "
— Samuel Johnson

+ "I have dreamed of our bed as if it were a shore where we would be washed up, not this striped mattress we must cover with sheets."
— Linda Pastan (The Imperfect Paradise: Poems)

+ "If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her---then don't let her go."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

+ "I will never hurt you.
I will always help you.
If you are hungry
Ill give you my food.
If you are frightened
I am your friend.
I love you now.
And love does not end."
— Orson Scott Card (Songmaster)

+ "The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."
— Oscar Wilde

+ "Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable."
— Henry Ward Beecher

+ "I basked in you;
I loved you, helplessly, with a boundless tongue-tied love.
And death doesn't prevent me from loving you.
Besides,
in my opinion you aren't dead.
(I know dead people, and you are not dead.)"
— Franz Wright (Walking to Martha's Vineyard)

+ "And you,
You can be mean
And I,
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers,
And that is a fact
Yes we're lovers,
And that is that"
— David Bowie

+ "They say what doesn't kill the soul will make you stronger, but you can't be a stone-hearted man."
— Anthony Green

+ "I am wholly yours - you are everything to me; we will sustain each other in all the ills of life it may please fate to inflict upon us; you will soothe my troubles; I will comfort you in yours."
— Denis Diderot

+ "But you cant shut everyone out. I mean you have to have someone to love. . .someone to hold on to. . . someone--"
— Hubert Selby Jr. (Requiem for a Dream)

+ "Love not often, but forever."
— Joanne Harris (Holy Fools)

+ "I told you. You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song only your heart can understand."
— L.J. Smith

+ "The way you're singing in your sleep
The way you look before you leap
The strange illusions that you keep
You don't know
But I'm noticing

The way your touch turns into arcs
The way you slide into the dark
The beating of my open heart
You don't know
But I'm noticing"
— David Levithan (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist)

+ "Let this hell be our heaven."
— Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come)

+ "I will love you always. When this...hair is white, I will still love you. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, I will still want to touch your skin. When your face is full of lines of every smile you have ever smiled, of every surprise I have seen flash through your eyes, when every tear you have cried has left its mark upon your face, I will treasure you all the more, because I was there to see it all. I will share your life with you..., and I will love you until the last breath leaves your body or mine."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (A Lick of Frost)

+ "Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair."
— Andrew Solomon (The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression)

Chapter 259 ~ Love, part II

+ "Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

+ "A kiss on the beach when there is a full moon is the closest thing to heaven."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

+ "Love weaves itself from hundreds of threads."
— David Levithan

+ "That I shall love always,
I argue thee
that love is life,
and life hath immortality"
— Emily Dickinson

+ "You are, and always have been, my dream."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

+ "Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

+ "Love is not finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without."
— Rafael Ortiz

+ "If I know what love is, it is because of you."
— Hermann Hesse

+ "I love you because no two snowflakes are alike, and it is possible, if you stand tippy-toe, to walk between the raindrops. "
— Nikki Giovanni

+ "love is what moves the world, I've always thought...it is the only thing which allows men and women to stand in a world where gravity always seems to want to pull them down...bring them low...and make them crawl..."
— Stephen King

+ "Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood, and you're the one I need"
— Johnny Cash

+ "Love is eternal while it lasts."
— Vinicius da Moraes

+ "I think we ought to live happily ever after."
— Diana Wynne Jones (Howl's Moving Castle)

+ "love is thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive."
— Dalai Lama XIV

+ "I think Heaven will be like a first kiss."
— Sarah Addison Allen (The Sugar Queen)

+ "This is the true measure of love, When we believe that we alone can love, That no one could ever have loved so before us, And that no one will ever love in the same way after us."
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

+ "A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it - A song's not a song 'til you sing it - Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'til you give it away!"
— Oscar Hammerstein II

+ "Love me, beloved; Hades and Death
Shall vanish away like a frosty breath;
These hands, that now are at home in thine,
Shall clasp thee again, if thou art still mine;
And thou shalt be mine, my spirit's bride,
In the ceaseless flow of eternity's tide,
If the truest love thy heart can know
Meet the truest love that from mine can flow.
Pray God, beloved, for thee and me,
That our sourls may be wedded eternally."
— George MacDonald (The Diary of an Old soul)

+ "To measure the man, measure his heart."
— Malcolm Forbes

+ "Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee,
And thou art enough."
— G. Moore

+ "Love is the passionate dance between two hearts. It is to believe in the dream, and together make it real."
— Sylvana Rossetti

+ "Love is not blind; it simply allows us to see the beauty in everything."
— Michelle D. Pierce

+ "I ask the impossible: love me forever.
Love me when all desire is gone.
Love me with the single mindedness of a monk.
When the world in its entirety,
and all that you hold sacred advise you
against it: love me still more.
When rage fills you and has no name: love me.
When each step from your door to our job tires you--
love me; and from job to home again, love me, love me.
Love me when you're bored--
when every woman you see is more beautiful than the last,
or more pathetic, love me as you always have:
not as admirer or judge, but with
the compassion you save for yourself
in your solitude.
Love me as you relish your loneliness,
the anticipation of your death,
mysteries of the flesh, as it tears and mends.
Love me as your most treasured childhood memory--
and if there is none to recall--
imagine one, place me there with you.
Love me withered as you loved me new.
Love me as if I were forever--
and I, will make the impossible
a simple act,
by loving you, loving you as I do"
— Ana Castillo (I Ask the Impossible: Poems)

+ "Have you ever loved someone so much that when you drew a breath you knew it was his?"
— Barbara Boyer (Courage of Fear)

+ "since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Missing someone, they say, is self-centered.
I self-center you more than ever."
— Saša Stanišić

+ "It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death."
— Thomas Mann (The Magic Mountain)

+ "He knew her, and she knew him. He had no idea if the images he saw came from past or future, or both, but he knew her. Their souls were bound, had always been bound, and always would be. They were two with one soul between them, perfectly joined, perfectly fitted."
— Ann Marston (The Western King)

+ "Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought."
— Pearl S. Buck

+ "Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart!"
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)

+ "All hopes of eternity and all gain from the past he would have given to have her there, to be wrapped warm with him in one blanket, and sleep, only sleep. It seemed the sleep with the woman in his arms was the only necessity."
— D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterley's Lover)

+ "They dined on mince, and slices of quince
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon."
— Edward Lear (The Owl and the Pussycat)

+ "I love you more than there are stars in the sky and fish in the sea."
— Nicholas Sparks

+ "Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

+ "love is a hawk with velvet claws
love is a rock with heart and veins
love is a lion with satin jaws
love is a storm with silken reins"
— Kurt Vonnegut

+ "When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."
— Mitch Albom (For One More Day)

+ "I want you to be weak. As weak as I am."
— Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

+ "The sorrow of losing what we love is nothing to the torment of having it present but denied us."
— Martin Boyd (A Difficult Young Man)

+ "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
— Gabriel García Márquez (One Hundred Years of Solitude)

+ "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
— Dalai Lama XIV

+ "Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair."
— William Blake (Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience)

+ "The sunlight claps the earth, and the moonbeams kiss the sea: what are all these kissings worth, if thou kiss not me?"
— Percy Bysshe Shelley

+ "What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?"
— George Eliot

+ "I'm yours for ever--for ever and ever. Here I stand; I'm as firm as a rock. If you'll only trust me, how little you'll be disappointed. Be mine as I am yours."
— Henry James (The Portrait of a Lady)

+ "This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there's no need at all to understand what's happening, because everything happens within you."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

+ "Lovers alone wear sunlight."
— E.E. Cummings

+ "We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end."
— Benjamin Disraeli

+ "Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear."
— John Lennon

+ "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)"
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Sonnets from the Portuguese: A Celebration of Love)

+ "I would have fallen in love with you anywhere."
— Susan Minot

+ "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
— Emily Brontë

+ "Which is why we say 'I can't live without you' meaning 'your life gives life to me, who am otherwise an empty vessel, nameless'."
— Joyce Carol Oates (Faithless)

+ "You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

+ "I say love,
it knows no season.
It haunts the soul
eternally."
— Dwight Yoakam

+
"There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love."
— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler's Wife)

+ "If you love and get hurt, love more.

If you love more and hurt more, love even more.

If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more..."
— William Shakespeare

+ "Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star..."
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Love, whether newly born or aroused from a deathlike slumber, must always create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, that it overflows upon the outward world."
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)

+ "It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it. And even more courage to see it in the one you love"
— Oscar Wilde (An Ideal Husband)

Chapter 258 ~ Love, part I

These next Chapters is a series of quotes on, well, the greatest force in the world--love.

+ "Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's beautiful."
— Milan Kundera

+ "Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold."
— Zelda Fitzgerald

+ "What Is Love? I have met in the streets a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, the water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul"
— Victor Hugo

+ "You can't measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange."
— Milan Kundera

+ "Let me die the moment my love dies.
Let me not outlive my own capacity to love.
Let me die still loving, and so, never die."
— Mary Zimmerman (Metamorphoses: A Play)

+ "The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love."
— William Somerset Maugham

+ "Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night."
— Matthew Arnold (Dover Beach and Other Poems)

+ "Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?"
— Christopher Brennan

+ "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
— Mother Teresa

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

+ "It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

+ "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.
(Translation: The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.)"
— Blaise Pascal (Pascal's Pensees)

+ "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."
— Emily Dickinson

+ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
— Mother Teresa

+ "to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again."
— Ellen Bass

+ "Love is a better master than duty."
— Albert Einstein

+ "I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?"
— Mother Teresa

+ "When you know my love, my love will warm you."
— Ruby Dee

+ "Amor, ch'al cor gentile ratto s'apprende
prese costui de la bella persona
che mi fu tolta; e 'l modo ancor m'offende.

Amor, che a nullo amato amar perdona,
Mi prese del costui piacer sì forte,
Che, come vedi, ancor non m'abbandona..."

"Love, which quickly arrests the gentle heart,
Seized him with my beautiful form
That was taken from me, in a manner which still grieves me.

Love, which pardons no beloved from loving,
took me so strongly with delight in him
That, as you see, it still abandons me not..."
— Dante (Inferno)

+ "Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and men below, and the saints above, for love is heaven, and heaven is love. "
— Walter Scott

+ "You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth."
— William W. Purkey

+ "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

+ "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."
— Pablo Neruda (100 Love Sonnets/Cien Sonetos De Amor)

+ "Who, being loved, is poor?"
— Oscar Wilde

+ "Where there is great love, there are always miracles."
— Willa Cather

+ "Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet."
— Plato

+ "Te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
(I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.)"
— Pablo Neruda

+ "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Let us begin this letter, this prelude to an encounter, formally, as a declaration, in the old-fashioned way: I love you. You do not know me (although you have seen me, smiled at me). I know you (although not so well as I would like. I want to be there when your eyes flutter open in the morning, and you see me, and you smile. Surely this would be paradise enough?). So I do declare myself to you now, with pen set to paper. I declare it again: I love you."
— Neil Gaiman

+ "Two minds with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."
— Jasper Fforde (First Among Sequels)

+ "I have been astonished that men could die martyrs
for their religion--
I have shuddered at it,
I shudder no more.
I could be martyred for my religion.
Love is my religion
and I could die for that.
I could die for you."
— John Keats

+ "We loved with a love that was more than love."
— Edgar Allan Poe

+ "If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever."
— Alfred Lord Tennyson

+ "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)"
— Anonymous

+ "The future for me is already a thing of the past -
You were my first love and you will be my last"
— Bob Dylan (Bob Dylan: Love And Theft)

+ "When the power of love over overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
— Jimmy Hendrix

+ "Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
— Karl A. Menninger

+ "Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull."
— H.L. Mencken

+ "When love has fused and mingled two beings in a sacred and angelic unity, the secret of life has been discovered so far as they are concerned; they are no longer anything more than the two boundaries of the same destiny; they are no longer anything but the two wings of the same spirit. Love, soar."
— Victor Hugo (Les Misérables)

+ "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
— Dr. Seuss

+ "To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world."
— Bill Wilson

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me

A Final Letter to Aunt Jackie

I can remember having met you, Great-Aunt Jackie, four years ago at the family reunion on my Stepmom's side. Aunt Jackie... well, you were quite a character. You were also quite a sweet lady. Heck, you even taught me needlepoint--which was something I got into for a while, but slipped away from and would love to get back into. We had quite a good time getting to know each other better, and vowed to keep in touch. Which we did, time and again. Although my only regret is, I didn't spend enough time. Time... well, it's one thing we never can have enough of, this I know.

Last summer, en route from Indiana back to Florida, we stopped in Kentucky to visit you for a couple of hours. While the younger siblings went to pick blackberries, you, Stepmom and I stayed inside and talked all the while. At the time, you were fighting cancer--which worried me a bit, because I know of people who've died in their battle against cancer [Great-Grandma Ana Julia being one of them]. In the back of my mind, I wasn't sure how to bring it up with you, so I didn't. In the end, I was fairly glad that I didn't.

But then, the first of two family tragedies came to pass, with my Grams passing away up in Ohio [reference: Chapter 231|10 March 2010]. What I didn't know though at the time [and in fact I didn't know until Father's Day while talking with Grandma Sharon], was that you'd beaten cancer. But come Father's Day, Grandma Sharon gave me the update about your beating cancer--but with even more shocking news that, the cancer you'd been fighting and defeated... came back. That you were given 1 to 2 months to live. My heart broke, and I was sure enough on the watch... waiting... waiting...

The best thing God could ever do, was to call you home last night.

Rest in peace, Aunt Jackie. I love you.

Waiting 'til this weekend to finally say goodbye...

~ me


O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of your servant Jackie, and grant her an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
your saints; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and
reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for
ever. + Amen.

[funeral liturgy, book of common prayer.]

Chapter 248 ~ Together|Asunder

Sometimes, I have to wonder just how painful some wounds were before they were just too deep to heal.

Things went rather sour, big time, between Seiya and I. Then again, I didn't even realise just how much he was really hurting since the break-up last September. Hell, I thought we would be better off as friends. And for quite a while, things had been going okay. Sure, we didn't always communicate as much as we used to, but we kept in touch. We had endured the loss of loved ones, and we had a good laugh through the better times. Though we hadn't spoken for a few weeks, I had thought, He's probably busy. His life's been a bit hectic, and it's understandable. So of course I thought, things were alright. We'd keep in touch... right?

News flash--I was so wrong.

It started earlier yesterday afternoon, when Sprocket [remember the guy I met in Orlando last month? yep, he's got a codename now!] stopped over at my place. Conversations went between my Halloween costume and my Classic Lolita outfit, and then it went into the who's-who of the StarKnights. And that was when it dawned on me--I thought, Damn, that reminds me. I haven't seen Seiya-chan online in a while. So I checked my Facebook and... well... hell. Where the Helen of Troy was he!? Yeah, Sprocket could tell I got a bit worried.

So I sent a text to Seiya, and he responded. I asked if he was alright. He told me he wasn't, and to call him later on in the evening. About an hour or so passed by before I received an e-mail from him... and needless to say, I was shocked. Sprocket was surprised, albeit not quite as shocked as I was. I just didn't know how to react, to be honest. Given that, I had assumed all was well... I thought there wasn't anything to worry about. How the Helen of Troy could this have gone up to this, and under my nose and outside my own radar? How was I to know that Seiya had been suffering far worse than this?

And on the other hand, the only time he ever noted about it, was in a letter he'd written a few months back.

Ten minutes to 9 P.M., and Sprocket and I are en route to CVS and still talking about the situation concerning Seiya. And it was then that I realised that, if this was how it was going to be, then... well, I wasn't gonna bother calling. Not if he sent that e-mail telling me that, he's moved on. That, he cannot be friends with me anymore. And if this was how it was going to go down, then that was to be something I would have to accept and live with. And I did, with the last thing he would receive from me--which I will make an extended version of at the end of this Chapter.

But yes, needless to say... it's a damn shame, that a friendship of some two or three years, would have to end like this. However, that is fine. Because if that's how it has to be then, so be it.

In other news, and speaking of Sprocket, I guess we can almost say that it's pretty official--boyfriend and girlfriend. Or as BF+GF as it's gonna get. It's somewhat complicated, but so far things are going spiffy. I like it. Which leads me to after I sent the final text to Seiya. We went to CVS and returned, got some laundry done, and went to sleep for the eventide. He dropped me off at work, before crashing at my place for a couple of hours. Now I recalled him having to be at class at 9 A.M.--so while he had mayhem at college to deal with, I had chaos at work to put up with. In fact, today I hadn't said a damn thing about the sitch between Seiya and I, so I must have done damn well somewhat. But work was chaotic and I even had to cry during my break. [I didn't even finish my breakfast, and forgot about the chocolate cookies I'd bought--that's how F'd up today was and how hectic I was when all was said and done.]

I come home irritated and ready to cry again--when I saw what looked to be a letter on my bed. At first, I was a bit perplexed. But then when I read it, I couldn't stop smiling... I haven't stopped smiling. In fact, Sprocket's letter is beside me now even as I type this!! Yes, this has made my day.

I will be seeing him again this weekend, and the whole of next week for that matter. Yep, y'all guessed it--I will finally be on vacation for next week. I'm very excited for this--spending a week with Sprocket. Who knows what-all sort of mayhem will ensue? It'll only prove to be rather interesting. Hopefully I'll update as the week goes along.

For now however, and in closing... I must finish with a proper send-off. A damn shame that it has to come down to this...

Seiya,

I am shocked, and apalled, that you have sent me such an e-mail as you sent yesterday. So, I suppose, it is only fitting that I reply in something that is more than two sentences long. Because, to be honest, the last thing I need is an e-mail from you to dampen my mood while my new guy's visiting me. The last thing I needed was to have to be the last to know.

But this time, it seemed, you didn't give a damn if I was the last to know now. You didn't care anymore, because you moved on. But I was the last to know, and too late to even understand it. I guess, then, that I was blind and stupid to realise that, you never did get over me. Or maybe I thought, all would be well while we were still friends. We would always be friends, wouldn't we?

And yet, once again, I was wrong. I was always wrong, wasn't I?

I cannot go back to the way things used to be, the way you wanted things to be. My heart has found a new joy, one much closer to me. It cannot risk itself in the repeat of what would only become pain and, in the end, hurting. It couldn't take another stupid argument over who had a worse attitude problem. It couldn't take another having to sit around and just do nothing... feeling like a complete waste of time when all was said and done... a complete waste of emotions. Yes, I was hurting that much. And since you decided to tell me now, at the last minute, of your wanting to cut ties with me, I'd decided to wait 'til now to really spill out my guts. So there, now you know.

And yet, it's too late to fix anything.

So then, go on with your life. I have begun to do so myself--erasing memories of you from my phone. The picture and the texts. The blogposts and the stories remain, because they are a part of my past--but you will have no part of my future. Yet will I continue to pray for you... but rest assured--you will never hear from me ever again.

Because of your e-mail, I decided to not call you, nor will I call you ever again, because I deleted your number. Only fitting, so that I never find the nerve to ever want to speak to you. That said,

May your father continue to smile upon you from Heaven. May your mother stay strong. May you continue to be strong. May God hold you in His hands. And may life treat you better than you expected.

Good-bye and good luck. I wish you well.

~ me

Chapter 247 ~ I Have A Tale To Tell...

*Writer's Note--This post was started on Wednesday 21 July, and was continued and finished on Thursday 22 July 2010*

- [ W e d n e s d a y 2 1 J u l y ] -

[Note--the Chapter Title is the first line from the Song of the Day.]

Song of the Day//"Live to Tell"|Madonna.

...okay, so my original Chapter 247 didn't quite go as planned. A lot came up, and with that came some drama which desperately needed a good sorting-through. Right now though, things are a bit more on the calmer side. Providing the wifi doesn't mess up as I type this, here's an update.

First and foremost, Hideki-chan. Yes, I think that, it's safe to say that, it's been over--only I was reluctant to accept it. But now, I've come to accept it. His life's much too chaotic right now for him to make time for me... and this, told me EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON. A bit late to notify me, eh? On the other hand, I'm just a bit ahead of this, and perhaps all the more glad for it.

Meanwhile... work's been mayhem and a half. Kids Night's been fairly slow because of Summer Vacation. And of course, there's always something bound to happen at every turn. Such is life at work, one like myself could suppose... and yet, I survive at the daily. There but for the grace of God, indeed.

The World Cup this year was rather interesting, to say the least. This year it all went down in South Africa, and boy were there plenty of ups and downs to show for it. I had been rooting for USA and England, who were both eliminated in the Round of 16. And then people were telling me to root for this time or root for that team, which didn't help me any. Though I will say, congrats and kudos to Spain for going so far as to not only reach the Final for the first time in their country's history but also to win it. On the other hand... damn, if y'all missed that Final match, it was a dirty one--and by that I mean, 14 YELLOW CARDS AND 1 RED CARD. Yeah, Netherlands played a rather crappy game, big time. Spain put up a helluva fight. Game went into Extra Time. And in the end, Spain won it. Next stop is Brazil in 2014.

- [ T h u r s d a y 2 2 J u l y ] -

Song of the Day|"Evangeline" - Cocteau Twins

Wow... just, wow.

Ever felt like today was just one of those days that you just wanted to hide in your own shell and cry? Well, that's how it was, for the first time in quite a while, because that's how I'm feeling after a rather chaotic day at work, in which anything can go wrong and did--and into all sorts of wrong too. I'm surprised I didn't throw anything at anyone yet. On the other hand... today... I'm just outright upset, tired and ready for a good cry. It hasn't happened yet though. Perhaps getting back to this would put something good on my face? I can but only hope. Only one person knows the whole of the situation... I just haven't found a codename for him yet but... yeah... he knows. And to be honest, I'm glad and thankful a bit that he heard me out. It actually surprised me a bit, but... yeah...

I'm smiling again, albeit a sad smile, but smiling nonetheless.

And it brings me to a memory associated with him. And that memory would be this past Saturday night, when I went to a Visage Reunion night in Orlando with two of my friends. I ran into two other friends that I hadn't seen in years [Tina! Jonathan! FUN TIME HAD BY ALL!], and I pretty much danced the night away. All four hours of it. The night itself was awesome'ness... but he made it all the better. And he knows who he is. It's a bit of a long story as to how we met, but it all really led up to this night, in which--after exchanging a few messages here and there, and then my inviting him at the sorta-last-minute--we met up... and had a grand ol' eventide!

I'm smiling again, even now. While it's a sad one because I'm exhausted, it's still a smile because I have a good memory to look back on.

That, though, doesn't seem to stop the tears that have finally come around to fall...

Finally having a good cry...

~ me

Chapter 243 ~ My Heart to Compromise?

Song of the Moment|"The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
Song of the Day|"Love Plus One" - Haircut 100

I have realised something, something highly important about myself, as I sit and check my e-mail and Facebook and all that. Between that and having a unexpected conversation with Siren...

it seems that my heart is still the subject of questioning, in a sense.

For the better part of the last couple of months, my heart's been in limbo and a f@#ked-up mess. Between Orin messing my heart over, two exes wanting me for only one thing, and one other ex wanting me back altogether... not to mention the fact that I don't know how to tell them all off without being a complete bitch at the risk of losing the friendships entirely... and never mind the fact that I can't get a date anyway so I just stay home and hide...

yeah. Somehow I'm just glad I'm single. I mean, I want something that's gonna be more about some proper intelligent conversations than the physical attaction. Now I'm not saying I'm going after the ugly guys--hell now. I'm just saying, yeah, I should be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him and not want to get in his pants, and vice versa. I refuse to compromise my heart to someone that just wants to get in my pants and not even commit.

So right now, my nerve's a bit edgy. But I don't want to compromise my heart to anyone or anything. I don't want anything less of a worthwhile relationship. But the problem is... right now, the way things are looking, my outlook's turned more of a DO NOT WANT as far as that's concerned. I'm still afraid to trust anyone that much to get close to. Especially after what Orin did to me... yeah. He's pretty much screwed things up for sure.

On a lighter note...

...

...

...oh hell. There really isn't much of a lighter note today. I'm too irritated and exhausted to even think of anything good going on right now. Other than the obvious fact that I'm alive. I suppose that alone will suffice.



Dear, dear Peter...

Today was the first day of a new season of solitude. It's been rough. I don't have much of a clue as to how to swat a few longing exes away without hurting them. And this isn't the first time this has happened, but I was too much trying to smile and be happy yesterday to not even think about it. So I didn't tell you about it.

Work was hectic to say the least today. I nonetheless made it through the day, and am home safely and in one piece [for the most part anyway].

And, I have realised that, I will not compromise my heart for anyone or anything. Sadly though, I am left almost wishing that there were more guys in the world like you. I don't know... maybe I'm just stuck in a moment of wishful thinking. Or who knows? But, in any case, I will not compromise my heart. Ever. And you know this.

I hope your summer is off to a good start. When are you heading out for France? Take lots of pictures--I wanna see!!! Please and Thank you!!!

Love always...

~ me

Chapter Front [242] ~ How Could It Come To This?

Song of the Moment|"Is It Like Today?" - World Party [2-M Session]

So today... the feast Sunday of Pentecost... well, I bade best wishes and a decent "I'll see you around" to... well... him. Yes, my beloved Choirmaster of five years. Onward now goes Peter for new adventures, and of course I can but simply encourage him on, even if it's from at a distance now. But, it's not like he's leaving out-of-state or anything. Still, I'll miss him immensely. I can't quite put into words how I'm feeling.

I guess the only proper word for that is, bittersweet.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good times. Silly conversations. And the times he's made me laugh 'til I couldn't make much sense. He's just that awesome of a person in my opinion. He's a good friend. He'll always be that wonderful to me.

*sigh* I hate good-bye's. I wish there wasn't a need for the word.

Bittersweet and thankful...

~ me

Chapter 241 ~ How'd You Get to Feel Happiness...

Song of the Moment|"Happiness" - Goldfrapp.

WARNING|STRONG LANGUAGE AND/OR BRUTAL HONESTY INVOLVED!

It's been three... no, four. Four weeks since Orin was here. I'm in my taking-names mode again. This heart is still recovering, trying to heal...
trying to function...
to think...
to feel...

As I listen to "Happiness", I had to look back on the more chaotic part of the past couple of weeks. Had it really been four weeks since I last saw him? Oh hell, it must've been. It almost feels like eternity; on the other hand, it feels like it was only maybe two weeks ago. The wounds are still fresh and, while I really seem to be doing well within the whim and company of coworkers and friends, I am still afraid to let any guy ever really get close to me again. The closest guy I have in my life now is my beloved Choirmaster, and he's leaving, so it hasn't really made matters that much better.

One can say that, I have truly hit a quarter-life crisis. At this point in time, I am thoroughly convinced that, I truly am not meant to be anyone's someone. This I am realising as the days pass by and the months slowly begin to dull out. I can't heal as fast as I expected myself to. I need more time. I need to make more time for myself. I need...

I need to stop kidding myself. I can't keep convincing myself that someone better will come along, because... because that would only be me kidding myself...

*sigh* I spent at least four hours trying to type this post. I think I'm done with it for the night.

Mending the shattered fragments...

~ me

Chapter 240 ~ Sometimes...

Song of the Night|"The Sound of Goodbye" - Perpetual Dreamer
[hence why the chapter title is "sometimes"--it's the first word to the chorus.]

If I may be so bold, and so honest... I'm too reluctant to say 'goodbye' to the one person that I truly, honestly, and simply love. While I'm well over the drama from Hikari, there is still one matter of interesting importance that I worry myself now over. And that is, well...

Choirmaster Peter is... well... leaving...

You see, he just got hired to teach full time at the University he's been teaching in as an adjunct. And, it's rough enough that he has to travel a lengthy distance between where he lives and where he works. And it's just as rough because he has a lengthy drive between where he lives, and our Church. He's been our Choirmaster for 11 years now. And now... well... I...

I don't know what words exist for the moment.

I mean, this is the one person in the entire world that, out of all the people I can say that I love, well... he's the only one I can honestly admit that, I am in love with. Without thinking twice or questioning anything. And yes, while there are only so many differences between us, and the whole whims of why we could never be [as a good friend in my Choir has told me, "Maybe next lifetime"], I can't help but love him. He is just a brilliant person, a sweet soul, and a damn good friend. He's inexplicably beautiful, intricately knowledgeable, and undoubtedly amazing. I can't find any better words than that.

Best put, he is the one man in the world who could weave in my memory a melody, and in my soul a harmony, within my heart a rising chorus, and unto my life a glorious opus.

My life wasn't the same since I'd met him... now, he's leaving and... well, words fail. I have already cried a few tears since he read the letter to the Choir, which he'd written to Father Don explaining the situation. And, I'll be honest--I am so immensely happy for him. I really am. The recession has helped him in the nicest way possible. And, on the other hand... my heart is broken.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good memories. Sweet memories. I can smile to myself, even in the midst of tears, because of those good memories. Because of the fact that, I have met and come to know the man I regard as my beloved Choirmaster. Those five years, knowing him, have been nothing short of wonderful.

*sigh* You know I've got it hurtin' when it takes for-freckin'-ever to type out a blogpost Chapter like this. Because, well, I try not to dwell on the bad so much as the good. And really, the good outweighs the bad.

But, I hate having to let him go, because I'm scared that I'll never see him again.

I guess we'll just have to see what this week brings...

~ me

Chapter 237 ~ Healing the Wounds

Song of the Night: "Ignorance" - Paramore.

So as of right now, I guess one can say that I'm still somewhat... numb. I mean, I have regained much of me, but there are still things that need to be sorted out. For one, Hideki -still- hasn't answered the "Why?" or "What happened?" of it all. And for all I know, at this point, I don't necessarily care anymore. Seriously. Because if he can't give me a reason then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm tipping my hat to my buddies Hikari [dude, I'm so staying over at some point in the summer, we'll stay up playin' RockBand all Saturday night just for kicks!], Siren [see ya tomorrow night, punk, and let me sleep alright?], Sanyun [let me know when you find Cupid--I wanna watch you beat his a$s up!!], Seiya [WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIGHTNING BOLT, DUDE!!!], Great-Auntie Cathie [I am definitely gonna have to use your advice], Chrissie and the gang at Quizno's [Chrissie, I sent the s.o.b. the 'gay question' text--Scotty, we *still* have to hang out--and Raven, yeah, we chicks f@#kin' rock], the majority of my coworkers [y'all know who you are, I don't have to say names], my fellow Frostwind typists [F-Unit, STAND UP!], the gang of Canterbury House [my newly-adopted Second Family... Mondays will never be the same again], my fellow Choristers [one more month, folks], and Choirmaster Peter [once again, your wisdom and good humor has won my nerve over AGAIN] for helping me get my chin up back off my chest. Hell, there's probably others involved in the chaos of my recovery process, but that's pretty much at the top of my head right now. I still have tears to cry, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck wondering all these questions but, for now, I have y'all to thank for helping me get back up off the ground. I appreciate you all, I love you all!

So right now, well, I'm just hanging in there, floating along. I still have some 20 or 30 pics from last Wednesday that I need to sort out and get into another photo album, and I have a new dress which is gonna be worn on Sunday [no Siren, I'm not modeling for you... keep dreaming]. Otherwise, well... yeah... I guess that's about... it...

You know, where the f@#k is Shiori? Maybe I should buy him a round of drinks next time I see him. Hmm. And this is coming from someone who DOESN'T drink!

*sigh* Really. Hideki broke my heart. And he'll be sorry for it. Give it time.

Fed up [for now]...

~ me.

Chapter 236 ~ ...what the f@#k?

Yes. That's the question of the day--besides, Why?

Now, never mind the tears that blur my sight as I try to type this and make any sort of sense. I mean... what is there left to say and feel when... okay. Wait. Let me start from the beginning...

Once upon a time...

--Monday, to be exact.

Hideki visited me... he went to visit me. Best two hours of the whole damn day. I mean, not that the rest of the day was hectic--but it was a good day. And his visit was the perfect ending to it. All was well... nothing was wrong.

So imagine the shock and sinking heart when I read the following text that he'd sent just minutes before my workday was over today...

"Hey stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

How, then... how am I supposed to feel when all of a sudden, this happens? And it's hard not to cry when, in the end, that's all I want to do. Cry. Because in the end, it never fails... I'm the one that ends up with the broken heart. And it only brings me to a realisation that, I am officially afraid to let any guy get close to me. Ever again. It hurts.

Worst of all is, he hasn't answered the "Why?" of it. So, I don't know what the hell is going on.

I let my guard down... I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him get close to me, I should've remembered why I couldn't let anyone get too close to me. But what did I do? Stupid as it may seem, I did it anyway--and now... now what? Perhaps, I should've just realised this and yet, no... I was blind and stupid. I loved blindly. And now... well...

look at the mess I'm in now.

All of a sudden, this awesome week I'd been having... misadventures at a Minor Basilica and a Cemetery... a new outfit... that epic 11-hour workday yesterday [which I survived and ended up feeling like SuperPunk]... the leak in the bathroom ceiling being fixed in 12 hours [between last night and today]...

none of that matters anymore, once the heart is suddenly smashed.

And what really stinks is that, I had *just* gotten over this stupid illness. I swear, if it's not one thing going wrong it's something else altogether. But, I guess, that's how life is, sadly. There's no escape from that, is there?

Is this what-all I end up amounting to--a broken heart? A love's failure? Is that what I will have to see myself as? Because, if this is all I've become then, I'll be damned if I ever, ever let a man get close to me again.

*sigh* Give me time. I'll recover. And at the same time, I wonder if I will ever really recover from this...

Brokenhearted...

~ me

Chapter 234 ~ Half a Year Older... but, Wiser?

I look back on the past six months of being 26 and, well... singlehood, heartache, and death are the main topics. Well, besides the epic work stress but, that's aside from all that mess and nonsuch. Still... it's been an interesting six months and, I have come to a realisation of a few things.

One, first and foremost, Cupid is a @#$%^& jerk. Plain and simple. I feel much like his whipping girl still, even as, while I'm sorta being patient for Shiori-chan, two former lovers wish to win my heart again. And, sadly, this goes on against my whim. I mean, it's great to hang out with them again but, I have realised also that, my heart does not quell among them. It doesn't scream at all for them. And I know my heart all too well to know better than to deceive myself at the heart. I can't simply find myself in the manners and throes of lust anymore--if my heart's not in it, trust me. It won't be there.

Second, Death is, perhaps, my greatest fear... second only to solitude. I am afraid of two things--dying, and dying alone. It scares the hell out of me, the more I hear about someone dying or having passed on. It scares me even more when it happens to someone I know and hold dear to me. The stress and worrying is ridiculous, I swear. But when the sympathy pains hit me, I can't control it--I can't stop it. I don't want God to take it away--only that I can bear it. But when it hits me, and with such a force that stops me... I... I can't help but f@#king panic. It can hit me enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Death is my greatest fear, second to living the rest of my life alone and unloved.

Third, being single is NOT the end of the world. Seriously. And this is coming from someone who's been single for about 7 months or so now. Now, it's interesting, this whole actual singlehood thing. For one, I have a field to play [somewhat], I can flirt with whoever, whenever. And it's fairly mild anyhow, but I keep it fair and friendly. I am NOT an expert flirt. [And if it helps, I get shy and gigglehappy around handsome fellows.] So, yeah. I think I will enjoy my singlehood as much as I can, until I finally do end up [maybe... hopefully] in the arms and heart of some worthy fellow. Maybe Shiori.

In other interesting news... well... I have realised that, while it isn't an entirely heavy-duty love, I can 'fess up that, I am as close to in love with anyone as it's going to get. And... well, you can all guess who it is with. But, if anything, I'll gladly 'fess up that, it's more like an admiration. A sense of quaint'ness and winsome eminates from him. He is the personification of Sweetness and Awesomeness. And who am I but some lowly punk girl, to fall stupendously for my Choirmaster? But... how could I not? And yet, how on earth did I? It was, to say the least, quite unexpected. It's still unexpected. I still don't know how it happened. And, I don't know--maybe this wasn't supposed to happen? I am not sure. But, I do know that, I have come to terms with my feelings for him: it's love--but not romantic love whatsoever. More like an innocent, silly little "I *heart* him like I *heart* my best buddies 4'ever!!" kind of love. A love that comes out of a proper, sweeter, nobler friendship. I don't want my feelings to ever change the friendship that we have, that I cherish immensely. It's been a whimsical five years singing in his Choir, and I can say that, I am blessed to have Peter both as my Choirmaster and as my friend.

Of course... whenever he looks at me and smiles, I end up not knowing how to act. And that's also made for some rather humorous moments, as a matter of fact! Sooo, YEAH! if you ever want to see me stutter and act almost completely stupid, just have him smile at me like it's nothing. And watch me say "Uhm...!?" more times than I can actually figure out... *LOL!!*

Well, I guess that's all for now... I mean, I can slowly feel my nose getting stuffy now. I suppose this means that, I am *finally* coming down with something...? I sure hope not. This means, it's time to get my butt to bed!! [And trust me, Peter would probably be picking on me, big time, had he read this and found out that, somehow, my immune system is getting around to telling me something important!!]

Daydreaming of two fellow gentlemen [hey, it ain't wrong!]...

~ me

Chapter 233 ~ Love... and Lack Thereof

Sooo, yes. I have had a minor amount of twists and turns as far as this thing called Love is concerned. And, well... I have found myself thinking things over. For one, part of me is thinking, Maybe God *doesn't* want me to be with anyone. Like he would prefer my life being single. At the same time, having reconnected with Shiori [yes, friend of mine from a few years back... remember him?

*plucked from chapter 41--damn, that's an old pic! lol!*

yep, his codename is shiori now. so, sha'up!] last Saturday night, yeah. It's about time I got around to catching up with him more. He has my number. He and I want to hang out. And, well, yeah... I guess I'm just waiting on that call now. But at the same time I don't want to seem desperate... but, getting back to what I was saying! Part of me's all, God would probably prefer me to not worry myself over being with someone. And at the same time, reconnecting with Shiori makes me think, Y'know, God doesn't want me to give up. Just to stop worrying about it. So, I am not sure.

I am, however, sure on this--Hideki-chan... well, I think it's almost entirly safe to say that, I think I am done with him. Yes, he hasn't called me back, or texted me, or whatever. Perhaps I am nothing more than an afterthought in his mind? I am not sure. I will, however, vent in stating the fact that, it's almost way too f@#ked up that, he and his roommates plot up movie nights just about every single Friday night--and yet Hideki couldn't even bother so much as to make plans with me. So, hey! it's his loss now. If he wants to get a hold of me, he has my number; otherwise, I'm pretty much done with him for a while. Because, you know what... it's not fair. It's just NOT fair. And it only goes to show that, perhaps, I *do* deserve someone better, one that *can* and *will* put in an effort to make time.

Don't worry though--as soon as Mommy gets the laptop hard drive and gets it sent over here, then... yeah. My social life's gonna be back in the shelf, and it'll be back to spending time on the laptop and getting creative and stuff. I miss doing all of that. And, at least, that way I won't have to worry myself over boredom. For all I know, I could just spend my eventides at home and not worry over what-all I'm doing with friends. And if someone bails on me at the last minute, I can just stay home and chat with everyone else. That person's loss, everyone else's gain!

You know that old saying. Revenge is a bitch.

Meanwhile... I am still recovering from work last week, and the past couple of days. It almost feels like, I get into one minor scrape, recover from that, only to get smacked with something else. It never f@#king ends. And, sadly, I really don't know what else to do about it--aside from keeping my faith firm in God and leaning on him when I can't find the strength to do otherwise. Not that I don't lean on God--I do, but sometimes it feels like he's not there. But I know he is--he's just testing me. Sadly though, I will confess that, in all my imperfections, I have failed a good handful of his tests. He does forgive me though, but I just wish I wasn't such an imperfect brat. On the otherhand, I don't wish to be entirely perfect--perfectionism isn't my best strength. And the last time I really hated myself for my imperfectionism, I almost killed myself, and that was six years ago!

Aside from that, March is over, and my heart grieves over all the failures and imperfections of that month. I will get over it, and move on. I have better things to do than waste my precious time over people that just won't bother with me.

In the immortal words of the Sundays' "Love", "Just love yourself like no one else..."

~ me