I look back on the past six months of being 26 and, well... singlehood, heartache, and death are the main topics. Well, besides the epic work stress but, that's aside from all that mess and nonsuch. Still... it's been an interesting six months and, I have come to a realisation of a few things.
One, first and foremost, Cupid is a @#$%^& jerk. Plain and simple. I feel much like his whipping girl still, even as, while I'm sorta being patient for Shiori-chan, two former lovers wish to win my heart again. And, sadly, this goes on against my whim. I mean, it's great to hang out with them again but, I have realised also that, my heart does not quell among them. It doesn't scream at all for them. And I know my heart all too well to know better than to deceive myself at the heart. I can't simply find myself in the manners and throes of lust anymore--if my heart's not in it, trust me. It won't be there.
Second, Death is, perhaps, my greatest fear... second only to solitude. I am afraid of two things--dying, and dying alone. It scares the hell out of me, the more I hear about someone dying or having passed on. It scares me even more when it happens to someone I know and hold dear to me. The stress and worrying is ridiculous, I swear. But when the sympathy pains hit me, I can't control it--I can't stop it. I don't want God to take it away--only that I can bear it. But when it hits me, and with such a force that stops me... I... I can't help but f@#king panic. It can hit me enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Death is my greatest fear, second to living the rest of my life alone and unloved.
Third, being single is NOT the end of the world. Seriously. And this is coming from someone who's been single for about 7 months or so now. Now, it's interesting, this whole actual singlehood thing. For one, I have a field to play [somewhat], I can flirt with whoever, whenever. And it's fairly mild anyhow, but I keep it fair and friendly. I am NOT an expert flirt. [And if it helps, I get shy and gigglehappy around handsome fellows.] So, yeah. I think I will enjoy my singlehood as much as I can, until I finally do end up [maybe... hopefully] in the arms and heart of some worthy fellow. Maybe Shiori.
In other interesting news... well... I have realised that, while it isn't an entirely heavy-duty love, I can 'fess up that, I am as close to in love with anyone as it's going to get. And... well, you can all guess who it is with. But, if anything, I'll gladly 'fess up that, it's more like an admiration. A sense of quaint'ness and winsome eminates from him. He is the personification of Sweetness and Awesomeness. And who am I but some lowly punk girl, to fall stupendously for my Choirmaster? But... how could I not? And yet, how on earth did I? It was, to say the least, quite unexpected. It's still unexpected. I still don't know how it happened. And, I don't know--maybe this wasn't supposed to happen? I am not sure. But, I do know that, I have come to terms with my feelings for him: it's love--but not romantic love whatsoever. More like an innocent, silly little "I *heart* him like I *heart* my best buddies 4'ever!!" kind of love. A love that comes out of a proper, sweeter, nobler friendship. I don't want my feelings to ever change the friendship that we have, that I cherish immensely. It's been a whimsical five years singing in his Choir, and I can say that, I am blessed to have Peter both as my Choirmaster and as my friend.
Of course... whenever he looks at me and smiles, I end up not knowing how to act. And that's also made for some rather humorous moments, as a matter of fact! Sooo, YEAH! if you ever want to see me stutter and act almost completely stupid, just have him smile at me like it's nothing. And watch me say "Uhm...!?" more times than I can actually figure out... *LOL!!*
Well, I guess that's all for now... I mean, I can slowly feel my nose getting stuffy now. I suppose this means that, I am *finally* coming down with something...? I sure hope not. This means, it's time to get my butt to bed!! [And trust me, Peter would probably be picking on me, big time, had he read this and found out that, somehow, my immune system is getting around to telling me something important!!]
Daydreaming of two fellow gentlemen [hey, it ain't wrong!]...
~ me
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