Chapter 264 ~ "When I come back down..."

Song of the Day|"Come Back Down" ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket.

*sigh* So yeah... things are quiet between Motoki and I. Although I must admit, I'm a little surprised he's been texting me a few times the past couple of days. However, right now, the way my heart's been hurting... yeah. This isn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt like this--crushes don't leave you feeling like your lungs are filled with deadened lead and your heart unable to calm down so easily.

Yeah. This is definitely *not* a crush. I'm afraid to admit that it's love though... OmG...

There was a student at the Parish School who was killed Friday... so to add to Larry's death... yeah, I'm just a wreck of sorts. Haven't really been able to calm down enough to regain all of me, between the deaths and Motoki. It's been really difficult to think straight the past few days... I don't know... I hate hurting like this but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WON'T GO AWAY.

*sigh* FML.

"Oh God, I'm so damn tired..."
~ me.

Chapter 263 ~ ...now, where was I?

Alright folks... I'm back. And I've got a lot to say. Sit down, buckle up, here we go.

For a start, as of this past June I am *no longer* dating Sprocket--no, actually codename change to Zokusho because someone else has the codename Sprocket and this is one of the good guys. [See? I told y'all a lot happened in the past 2 years!] But anywho, yes, I broke up with Zokusho, for all the right reasons. Long story short: yes, we did have our good times, but he's not worth the anxiety attacks I've suffered in the few months leading up to the break-up. We've since spoken on the phone; however, no, for the record, I am NOT going back with him.

I never thought I'd quote Taylor Swift but "we are never, ever, ever getting back together." Valid point too. Not worth it anymore.

Which brings me to, nope. I am NOT moving to Tampa. Obviously. Zokusho and I tried time and again... in vain. But now with the break-up there really isn't much of a point anymore concerning myself with Tampa. Plus, right now, I am needed here in DeLand... probably moreso now than I realised.

Example A: I am now serving as both Secretary AND Treasurer in my DOK Chapter. Double-duty, yes, but with the help of a couple of fellow Daughters my task isn't as difficult as it looks. Yes it can be stressful, but I have been faring well with it so far. Next month is the Diocesan Fall Assembly and this year my parish is hosting it. LOTS of preparing to do.

Speaking of, we have a new Assistant Rector--Fr. Comforted Keen, who just retired a few months ago from serving as Rector of Church of the Holy Child in Ormond Beach. He was the Priest who was at my first DOK gathering some 3 or 4 years ago--and he was at my Cursillo last year. I told him then that I remembered him from that DOK meeting, and he thought it was wonderful that I remembered him. Now he's going to be my Assistant Priest and really, I'm rather thrilled. He's a great preacher and a wonderful human being. These next three years will be interesting... bring 'em on.

So, anyone remember Jason from the Antics? Yeah. So, we dated maybe once some 3 years ago, before I started dating Zokusho. And to think I had the giggles for him... uhm...

WTF was I thinking?

...oh, right. I probably wasn't.

Anywho, yes, we're friends now. But we don't really hang out much, mostly we just text and talk on the phone from time to time. I'll give him credit though--he *has* stopped me once from doing something stupid to myself. Thankfully.

Which leads me to a few suicide-related matters, the first being that I did attempt suicide a 2nd time this past November. No, I'm not proud of it, but I would rather bring the issue to light than to sweep it under the rug like society tends to do. I'm sorry, but if you can talk to your kids about sex and drugs, then it should be more than acceptable to talk to your kids about suicide. Unfortunately society has conditioned us to not address suicide, let alone mental illness--which prompts me basically to give society the proverbial middle finger, by talking about it, addressing these things.

"Oh, it'll never happen to me." I call bullsh*t. If little Miss Happy Me attempted suicide twice, sure as *censored* it can happen to anybody. It needs to be addressed.

Secondly, I now help as a volunteer of sorts in the Survivors of Suicide group at my church. Been attending since February, and I wish I had the time allowed me to do that much sooner. Better late than never though--my friend Laura facilitates these meetings, which are twice a month. Sometimes it'll be just us two, sometimes there'll be another person with us. Worth attending these meetings... for real.

And... well... yes... there kinda-sorta *is* someone I am talking to. But things aren't necessarily great between him and I... we're working on it. I have no idea how long this is gonna take, but I believe it'll be worth the work and the wait. Because, we do like each other... but of course, as I unfortunately end up stuck in, it's a case of the "great person, not-so-great timing." Which I hate but... *sigh* ah well.

And lastly, at it was some 5 years ago, Death's been making his rounds. Except, it's worse than it was when I was approaching 25... and I'll be 30 in some 2 months! I have been to 7 funerals since Christmas Eve [yes, you Citizens read that proper], and just yesterday my good buddy Larry died from cancer and pneumonia. Last time I was hit with news this devastating, it was Christmas Eve when my fellow Chorister Marcia passed away. This is worse however, as Larry was my very first friend at St. Barnabas and... well... yeah. Between that and Motoki-chan breaking my heart yesterday, really I'm just a wreck right now. There isn't very much I can do about all of this unfortunately... the most I can do right now, is cry, and hang in there.

I'm sure there's probably more to update on, but I'm honestly exhausted from today and the past two days. And really, all I want to do is just go home, cry and sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. And cry. And...

--yeah, I think y'all get the idea.

Wishing there was a "Redo" button...
~ me.

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me

A Final Letter to Aunt Jackie

I can remember having met you, Great-Aunt Jackie, four years ago at the family reunion on my Stepmom's side. Aunt Jackie... well, you were quite a character. You were also quite a sweet lady. Heck, you even taught me needlepoint--which was something I got into for a while, but slipped away from and would love to get back into. We had quite a good time getting to know each other better, and vowed to keep in touch. Which we did, time and again. Although my only regret is, I didn't spend enough time. Time... well, it's one thing we never can have enough of, this I know.

Last summer, en route from Indiana back to Florida, we stopped in Kentucky to visit you for a couple of hours. While the younger siblings went to pick blackberries, you, Stepmom and I stayed inside and talked all the while. At the time, you were fighting cancer--which worried me a bit, because I know of people who've died in their battle against cancer [Great-Grandma Ana Julia being one of them]. In the back of my mind, I wasn't sure how to bring it up with you, so I didn't. In the end, I was fairly glad that I didn't.

But then, the first of two family tragedies came to pass, with my Grams passing away up in Ohio [reference: Chapter 231|10 March 2010]. What I didn't know though at the time [and in fact I didn't know until Father's Day while talking with Grandma Sharon], was that you'd beaten cancer. But come Father's Day, Grandma Sharon gave me the update about your beating cancer--but with even more shocking news that, the cancer you'd been fighting and defeated... came back. That you were given 1 to 2 months to live. My heart broke, and I was sure enough on the watch... waiting... waiting...

The best thing God could ever do, was to call you home last night.

Rest in peace, Aunt Jackie. I love you.

Waiting 'til this weekend to finally say goodbye...

~ me


O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of your servant Jackie, and grant her an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
your saints; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and
reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for
ever. + Amen.

[funeral liturgy, book of common prayer.]

Chapter 248 ~ Together|Asunder

Sometimes, I have to wonder just how painful some wounds were before they were just too deep to heal.

Things went rather sour, big time, between Seiya and I. Then again, I didn't even realise just how much he was really hurting since the break-up last September. Hell, I thought we would be better off as friends. And for quite a while, things had been going okay. Sure, we didn't always communicate as much as we used to, but we kept in touch. We had endured the loss of loved ones, and we had a good laugh through the better times. Though we hadn't spoken for a few weeks, I had thought, He's probably busy. His life's been a bit hectic, and it's understandable. So of course I thought, things were alright. We'd keep in touch... right?

News flash--I was so wrong.

It started earlier yesterday afternoon, when Sprocket [remember the guy I met in Orlando last month? yep, he's got a codename now!] stopped over at my place. Conversations went between my Halloween costume and my Classic Lolita outfit, and then it went into the who's-who of the StarKnights. And that was when it dawned on me--I thought, Damn, that reminds me. I haven't seen Seiya-chan online in a while. So I checked my Facebook and... well... hell. Where the Helen of Troy was he!? Yeah, Sprocket could tell I got a bit worried.

So I sent a text to Seiya, and he responded. I asked if he was alright. He told me he wasn't, and to call him later on in the evening. About an hour or so passed by before I received an e-mail from him... and needless to say, I was shocked. Sprocket was surprised, albeit not quite as shocked as I was. I just didn't know how to react, to be honest. Given that, I had assumed all was well... I thought there wasn't anything to worry about. How the Helen of Troy could this have gone up to this, and under my nose and outside my own radar? How was I to know that Seiya had been suffering far worse than this?

And on the other hand, the only time he ever noted about it, was in a letter he'd written a few months back.

Ten minutes to 9 P.M., and Sprocket and I are en route to CVS and still talking about the situation concerning Seiya. And it was then that I realised that, if this was how it was going to be, then... well, I wasn't gonna bother calling. Not if he sent that e-mail telling me that, he's moved on. That, he cannot be friends with me anymore. And if this was how it was going to go down, then that was to be something I would have to accept and live with. And I did, with the last thing he would receive from me--which I will make an extended version of at the end of this Chapter.

But yes, needless to say... it's a damn shame, that a friendship of some two or three years, would have to end like this. However, that is fine. Because if that's how it has to be then, so be it.

In other news, and speaking of Sprocket, I guess we can almost say that it's pretty official--boyfriend and girlfriend. Or as BF+GF as it's gonna get. It's somewhat complicated, but so far things are going spiffy. I like it. Which leads me to after I sent the final text to Seiya. We went to CVS and returned, got some laundry done, and went to sleep for the eventide. He dropped me off at work, before crashing at my place for a couple of hours. Now I recalled him having to be at class at 9 A.M.--so while he had mayhem at college to deal with, I had chaos at work to put up with. In fact, today I hadn't said a damn thing about the sitch between Seiya and I, so I must have done damn well somewhat. But work was chaotic and I even had to cry during my break. [I didn't even finish my breakfast, and forgot about the chocolate cookies I'd bought--that's how F'd up today was and how hectic I was when all was said and done.]

I come home irritated and ready to cry again--when I saw what looked to be a letter on my bed. At first, I was a bit perplexed. But then when I read it, I couldn't stop smiling... I haven't stopped smiling. In fact, Sprocket's letter is beside me now even as I type this!! Yes, this has made my day.

I will be seeing him again this weekend, and the whole of next week for that matter. Yep, y'all guessed it--I will finally be on vacation for next week. I'm very excited for this--spending a week with Sprocket. Who knows what-all sort of mayhem will ensue? It'll only prove to be rather interesting. Hopefully I'll update as the week goes along.

For now however, and in closing... I must finish with a proper send-off. A damn shame that it has to come down to this...

Seiya,

I am shocked, and apalled, that you have sent me such an e-mail as you sent yesterday. So, I suppose, it is only fitting that I reply in something that is more than two sentences long. Because, to be honest, the last thing I need is an e-mail from you to dampen my mood while my new guy's visiting me. The last thing I needed was to have to be the last to know.

But this time, it seemed, you didn't give a damn if I was the last to know now. You didn't care anymore, because you moved on. But I was the last to know, and too late to even understand it. I guess, then, that I was blind and stupid to realise that, you never did get over me. Or maybe I thought, all would be well while we were still friends. We would always be friends, wouldn't we?

And yet, once again, I was wrong. I was always wrong, wasn't I?

I cannot go back to the way things used to be, the way you wanted things to be. My heart has found a new joy, one much closer to me. It cannot risk itself in the repeat of what would only become pain and, in the end, hurting. It couldn't take another stupid argument over who had a worse attitude problem. It couldn't take another having to sit around and just do nothing... feeling like a complete waste of time when all was said and done... a complete waste of emotions. Yes, I was hurting that much. And since you decided to tell me now, at the last minute, of your wanting to cut ties with me, I'd decided to wait 'til now to really spill out my guts. So there, now you know.

And yet, it's too late to fix anything.

So then, go on with your life. I have begun to do so myself--erasing memories of you from my phone. The picture and the texts. The blogposts and the stories remain, because they are a part of my past--but you will have no part of my future. Yet will I continue to pray for you... but rest assured--you will never hear from me ever again.

Because of your e-mail, I decided to not call you, nor will I call you ever again, because I deleted your number. Only fitting, so that I never find the nerve to ever want to speak to you. That said,

May your father continue to smile upon you from Heaven. May your mother stay strong. May you continue to be strong. May God hold you in His hands. And may life treat you better than you expected.

Good-bye and good luck. I wish you well.

~ me

Chapter 247 ~ I Have A Tale To Tell...

*Writer's Note--This post was started on Wednesday 21 July, and was continued and finished on Thursday 22 July 2010*

- [ W e d n e s d a y 2 1 J u l y ] -

[Note--the Chapter Title is the first line from the Song of the Day.]

Song of the Day//"Live to Tell"|Madonna.

...okay, so my original Chapter 247 didn't quite go as planned. A lot came up, and with that came some drama which desperately needed a good sorting-through. Right now though, things are a bit more on the calmer side. Providing the wifi doesn't mess up as I type this, here's an update.

First and foremost, Hideki-chan. Yes, I think that, it's safe to say that, it's been over--only I was reluctant to accept it. But now, I've come to accept it. His life's much too chaotic right now for him to make time for me... and this, told me EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON. A bit late to notify me, eh? On the other hand, I'm just a bit ahead of this, and perhaps all the more glad for it.

Meanwhile... work's been mayhem and a half. Kids Night's been fairly slow because of Summer Vacation. And of course, there's always something bound to happen at every turn. Such is life at work, one like myself could suppose... and yet, I survive at the daily. There but for the grace of God, indeed.

The World Cup this year was rather interesting, to say the least. This year it all went down in South Africa, and boy were there plenty of ups and downs to show for it. I had been rooting for USA and England, who were both eliminated in the Round of 16. And then people were telling me to root for this time or root for that team, which didn't help me any. Though I will say, congrats and kudos to Spain for going so far as to not only reach the Final for the first time in their country's history but also to win it. On the other hand... damn, if y'all missed that Final match, it was a dirty one--and by that I mean, 14 YELLOW CARDS AND 1 RED CARD. Yeah, Netherlands played a rather crappy game, big time. Spain put up a helluva fight. Game went into Extra Time. And in the end, Spain won it. Next stop is Brazil in 2014.

- [ T h u r s d a y 2 2 J u l y ] -

Song of the Day|"Evangeline" - Cocteau Twins

Wow... just, wow.

Ever felt like today was just one of those days that you just wanted to hide in your own shell and cry? Well, that's how it was, for the first time in quite a while, because that's how I'm feeling after a rather chaotic day at work, in which anything can go wrong and did--and into all sorts of wrong too. I'm surprised I didn't throw anything at anyone yet. On the other hand... today... I'm just outright upset, tired and ready for a good cry. It hasn't happened yet though. Perhaps getting back to this would put something good on my face? I can but only hope. Only one person knows the whole of the situation... I just haven't found a codename for him yet but... yeah... he knows. And to be honest, I'm glad and thankful a bit that he heard me out. It actually surprised me a bit, but... yeah...

I'm smiling again, albeit a sad smile, but smiling nonetheless.

And it brings me to a memory associated with him. And that memory would be this past Saturday night, when I went to a Visage Reunion night in Orlando with two of my friends. I ran into two other friends that I hadn't seen in years [Tina! Jonathan! FUN TIME HAD BY ALL!], and I pretty much danced the night away. All four hours of it. The night itself was awesome'ness... but he made it all the better. And he knows who he is. It's a bit of a long story as to how we met, but it all really led up to this night, in which--after exchanging a few messages here and there, and then my inviting him at the sorta-last-minute--we met up... and had a grand ol' eventide!

I'm smiling again, even now. While it's a sad one because I'm exhausted, it's still a smile because I have a good memory to look back on.

That, though, doesn't seem to stop the tears that have finally come around to fall...

Finally having a good cry...

~ me

Chapter 243 ~ My Heart to Compromise?

Song of the Moment|"The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
Song of the Day|"Love Plus One" - Haircut 100

I have realised something, something highly important about myself, as I sit and check my e-mail and Facebook and all that. Between that and having a unexpected conversation with Siren...

it seems that my heart is still the subject of questioning, in a sense.

For the better part of the last couple of months, my heart's been in limbo and a f@#ked-up mess. Between Orin messing my heart over, two exes wanting me for only one thing, and one other ex wanting me back altogether... not to mention the fact that I don't know how to tell them all off without being a complete bitch at the risk of losing the friendships entirely... and never mind the fact that I can't get a date anyway so I just stay home and hide...

yeah. Somehow I'm just glad I'm single. I mean, I want something that's gonna be more about some proper intelligent conversations than the physical attaction. Now I'm not saying I'm going after the ugly guys--hell now. I'm just saying, yeah, I should be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him and not want to get in his pants, and vice versa. I refuse to compromise my heart to someone that just wants to get in my pants and not even commit.

So right now, my nerve's a bit edgy. But I don't want to compromise my heart to anyone or anything. I don't want anything less of a worthwhile relationship. But the problem is... right now, the way things are looking, my outlook's turned more of a DO NOT WANT as far as that's concerned. I'm still afraid to trust anyone that much to get close to. Especially after what Orin did to me... yeah. He's pretty much screwed things up for sure.

On a lighter note...

...

...

...oh hell. There really isn't much of a lighter note today. I'm too irritated and exhausted to even think of anything good going on right now. Other than the obvious fact that I'm alive. I suppose that alone will suffice.



Dear, dear Peter...

Today was the first day of a new season of solitude. It's been rough. I don't have much of a clue as to how to swat a few longing exes away without hurting them. And this isn't the first time this has happened, but I was too much trying to smile and be happy yesterday to not even think about it. So I didn't tell you about it.

Work was hectic to say the least today. I nonetheless made it through the day, and am home safely and in one piece [for the most part anyway].

And, I have realised that, I will not compromise my heart for anyone or anything. Sadly though, I am left almost wishing that there were more guys in the world like you. I don't know... maybe I'm just stuck in a moment of wishful thinking. Or who knows? But, in any case, I will not compromise my heart. Ever. And you know this.

I hope your summer is off to a good start. When are you heading out for France? Take lots of pictures--I wanna see!!! Please and Thank you!!!

Love always...

~ me

Chapter Front [242] ~ How Could It Come To This?

Song of the Moment|"Is It Like Today?" - World Party [2-M Session]

So today... the feast Sunday of Pentecost... well, I bade best wishes and a decent "I'll see you around" to... well... him. Yes, my beloved Choirmaster of five years. Onward now goes Peter for new adventures, and of course I can but simply encourage him on, even if it's from at a distance now. But, it's not like he's leaving out-of-state or anything. Still, I'll miss him immensely. I can't quite put into words how I'm feeling.

I guess the only proper word for that is, bittersweet.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good times. Silly conversations. And the times he's made me laugh 'til I couldn't make much sense. He's just that awesome of a person in my opinion. He's a good friend. He'll always be that wonderful to me.

*sigh* I hate good-bye's. I wish there wasn't a need for the word.

Bittersweet and thankful...

~ me

Chapter 241 ~ How'd You Get to Feel Happiness...

Song of the Moment|"Happiness" - Goldfrapp.

WARNING|STRONG LANGUAGE AND/OR BRUTAL HONESTY INVOLVED!

It's been three... no, four. Four weeks since Orin was here. I'm in my taking-names mode again. This heart is still recovering, trying to heal...
trying to function...
to think...
to feel...

As I listen to "Happiness", I had to look back on the more chaotic part of the past couple of weeks. Had it really been four weeks since I last saw him? Oh hell, it must've been. It almost feels like eternity; on the other hand, it feels like it was only maybe two weeks ago. The wounds are still fresh and, while I really seem to be doing well within the whim and company of coworkers and friends, I am still afraid to let any guy ever really get close to me again. The closest guy I have in my life now is my beloved Choirmaster, and he's leaving, so it hasn't really made matters that much better.

One can say that, I have truly hit a quarter-life crisis. At this point in time, I am thoroughly convinced that, I truly am not meant to be anyone's someone. This I am realising as the days pass by and the months slowly begin to dull out. I can't heal as fast as I expected myself to. I need more time. I need to make more time for myself. I need...

I need to stop kidding myself. I can't keep convincing myself that someone better will come along, because... because that would only be me kidding myself...

*sigh* I spent at least four hours trying to type this post. I think I'm done with it for the night.

Mending the shattered fragments...

~ me

Chapter 240 ~ Sometimes...

Song of the Night|"The Sound of Goodbye" - Perpetual Dreamer
[hence why the chapter title is "sometimes"--it's the first word to the chorus.]

If I may be so bold, and so honest... I'm too reluctant to say 'goodbye' to the one person that I truly, honestly, and simply love. While I'm well over the drama from Hikari, there is still one matter of interesting importance that I worry myself now over. And that is, well...

Choirmaster Peter is... well... leaving...

You see, he just got hired to teach full time at the University he's been teaching in as an adjunct. And, it's rough enough that he has to travel a lengthy distance between where he lives and where he works. And it's just as rough because he has a lengthy drive between where he lives, and our Church. He's been our Choirmaster for 11 years now. And now... well... I...

I don't know what words exist for the moment.

I mean, this is the one person in the entire world that, out of all the people I can say that I love, well... he's the only one I can honestly admit that, I am in love with. Without thinking twice or questioning anything. And yes, while there are only so many differences between us, and the whole whims of why we could never be [as a good friend in my Choir has told me, "Maybe next lifetime"], I can't help but love him. He is just a brilliant person, a sweet soul, and a damn good friend. He's inexplicably beautiful, intricately knowledgeable, and undoubtedly amazing. I can't find any better words than that.

Best put, he is the one man in the world who could weave in my memory a melody, and in my soul a harmony, within my heart a rising chorus, and unto my life a glorious opus.

My life wasn't the same since I'd met him... now, he's leaving and... well, words fail. I have already cried a few tears since he read the letter to the Choir, which he'd written to Father Don explaining the situation. And, I'll be honest--I am so immensely happy for him. I really am. The recession has helped him in the nicest way possible. And, on the other hand... my heart is broken.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good memories. Sweet memories. I can smile to myself, even in the midst of tears, because of those good memories. Because of the fact that, I have met and come to know the man I regard as my beloved Choirmaster. Those five years, knowing him, have been nothing short of wonderful.

*sigh* You know I've got it hurtin' when it takes for-freckin'-ever to type out a blogpost Chapter like this. Because, well, I try not to dwell on the bad so much as the good. And really, the good outweighs the bad.

But, I hate having to let him go, because I'm scared that I'll never see him again.

I guess we'll just have to see what this week brings...

~ me

Chapter 237 ~ Healing the Wounds

Song of the Night: "Ignorance" - Paramore.

So as of right now, I guess one can say that I'm still somewhat... numb. I mean, I have regained much of me, but there are still things that need to be sorted out. For one, Hideki -still- hasn't answered the "Why?" or "What happened?" of it all. And for all I know, at this point, I don't necessarily care anymore. Seriously. Because if he can't give me a reason then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm tipping my hat to my buddies Hikari [dude, I'm so staying over at some point in the summer, we'll stay up playin' RockBand all Saturday night just for kicks!], Siren [see ya tomorrow night, punk, and let me sleep alright?], Sanyun [let me know when you find Cupid--I wanna watch you beat his a$s up!!], Seiya [WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIGHTNING BOLT, DUDE!!!], Great-Auntie Cathie [I am definitely gonna have to use your advice], Chrissie and the gang at Quizno's [Chrissie, I sent the s.o.b. the 'gay question' text--Scotty, we *still* have to hang out--and Raven, yeah, we chicks f@#kin' rock], the majority of my coworkers [y'all know who you are, I don't have to say names], my fellow Frostwind typists [F-Unit, STAND UP!], the gang of Canterbury House [my newly-adopted Second Family... Mondays will never be the same again], my fellow Choristers [one more month, folks], and Choirmaster Peter [once again, your wisdom and good humor has won my nerve over AGAIN] for helping me get my chin up back off my chest. Hell, there's probably others involved in the chaos of my recovery process, but that's pretty much at the top of my head right now. I still have tears to cry, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck wondering all these questions but, for now, I have y'all to thank for helping me get back up off the ground. I appreciate you all, I love you all!

So right now, well, I'm just hanging in there, floating along. I still have some 20 or 30 pics from last Wednesday that I need to sort out and get into another photo album, and I have a new dress which is gonna be worn on Sunday [no Siren, I'm not modeling for you... keep dreaming]. Otherwise, well... yeah... I guess that's about... it...

You know, where the f@#k is Shiori? Maybe I should buy him a round of drinks next time I see him. Hmm. And this is coming from someone who DOESN'T drink!

*sigh* Really. Hideki broke my heart. And he'll be sorry for it. Give it time.

Fed up [for now]...

~ me.

Chapter 236 ~ ...what the f@#k?

Yes. That's the question of the day--besides, Why?

Now, never mind the tears that blur my sight as I try to type this and make any sort of sense. I mean... what is there left to say and feel when... okay. Wait. Let me start from the beginning...

Once upon a time...

--Monday, to be exact.

Hideki visited me... he went to visit me. Best two hours of the whole damn day. I mean, not that the rest of the day was hectic--but it was a good day. And his visit was the perfect ending to it. All was well... nothing was wrong.

So imagine the shock and sinking heart when I read the following text that he'd sent just minutes before my workday was over today...

"Hey stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

How, then... how am I supposed to feel when all of a sudden, this happens? And it's hard not to cry when, in the end, that's all I want to do. Cry. Because in the end, it never fails... I'm the one that ends up with the broken heart. And it only brings me to a realisation that, I am officially afraid to let any guy get close to me. Ever again. It hurts.

Worst of all is, he hasn't answered the "Why?" of it. So, I don't know what the hell is going on.

I let my guard down... I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him get close to me, I should've remembered why I couldn't let anyone get too close to me. But what did I do? Stupid as it may seem, I did it anyway--and now... now what? Perhaps, I should've just realised this and yet, no... I was blind and stupid. I loved blindly. And now... well...

look at the mess I'm in now.

All of a sudden, this awesome week I'd been having... misadventures at a Minor Basilica and a Cemetery... a new outfit... that epic 11-hour workday yesterday [which I survived and ended up feeling like SuperPunk]... the leak in the bathroom ceiling being fixed in 12 hours [between last night and today]...

none of that matters anymore, once the heart is suddenly smashed.

And what really stinks is that, I had *just* gotten over this stupid illness. I swear, if it's not one thing going wrong it's something else altogether. But, I guess, that's how life is, sadly. There's no escape from that, is there?

Is this what-all I end up amounting to--a broken heart? A love's failure? Is that what I will have to see myself as? Because, if this is all I've become then, I'll be damned if I ever, ever let a man get close to me again.

*sigh* Give me time. I'll recover. And at the same time, I wonder if I will ever really recover from this...

Brokenhearted...

~ me

Chapter 234 ~ Half a Year Older... but, Wiser?

I look back on the past six months of being 26 and, well... singlehood, heartache, and death are the main topics. Well, besides the epic work stress but, that's aside from all that mess and nonsuch. Still... it's been an interesting six months and, I have come to a realisation of a few things.

One, first and foremost, Cupid is a @#$%^& jerk. Plain and simple. I feel much like his whipping girl still, even as, while I'm sorta being patient for Shiori-chan, two former lovers wish to win my heart again. And, sadly, this goes on against my whim. I mean, it's great to hang out with them again but, I have realised also that, my heart does not quell among them. It doesn't scream at all for them. And I know my heart all too well to know better than to deceive myself at the heart. I can't simply find myself in the manners and throes of lust anymore--if my heart's not in it, trust me. It won't be there.

Second, Death is, perhaps, my greatest fear... second only to solitude. I am afraid of two things--dying, and dying alone. It scares the hell out of me, the more I hear about someone dying or having passed on. It scares me even more when it happens to someone I know and hold dear to me. The stress and worrying is ridiculous, I swear. But when the sympathy pains hit me, I can't control it--I can't stop it. I don't want God to take it away--only that I can bear it. But when it hits me, and with such a force that stops me... I... I can't help but f@#king panic. It can hit me enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Death is my greatest fear, second to living the rest of my life alone and unloved.

Third, being single is NOT the end of the world. Seriously. And this is coming from someone who's been single for about 7 months or so now. Now, it's interesting, this whole actual singlehood thing. For one, I have a field to play [somewhat], I can flirt with whoever, whenever. And it's fairly mild anyhow, but I keep it fair and friendly. I am NOT an expert flirt. [And if it helps, I get shy and gigglehappy around handsome fellows.] So, yeah. I think I will enjoy my singlehood as much as I can, until I finally do end up [maybe... hopefully] in the arms and heart of some worthy fellow. Maybe Shiori.

In other interesting news... well... I have realised that, while it isn't an entirely heavy-duty love, I can 'fess up that, I am as close to in love with anyone as it's going to get. And... well, you can all guess who it is with. But, if anything, I'll gladly 'fess up that, it's more like an admiration. A sense of quaint'ness and winsome eminates from him. He is the personification of Sweetness and Awesomeness. And who am I but some lowly punk girl, to fall stupendously for my Choirmaster? But... how could I not? And yet, how on earth did I? It was, to say the least, quite unexpected. It's still unexpected. I still don't know how it happened. And, I don't know--maybe this wasn't supposed to happen? I am not sure. But, I do know that, I have come to terms with my feelings for him: it's love--but not romantic love whatsoever. More like an innocent, silly little "I *heart* him like I *heart* my best buddies 4'ever!!" kind of love. A love that comes out of a proper, sweeter, nobler friendship. I don't want my feelings to ever change the friendship that we have, that I cherish immensely. It's been a whimsical five years singing in his Choir, and I can say that, I am blessed to have Peter both as my Choirmaster and as my friend.

Of course... whenever he looks at me and smiles, I end up not knowing how to act. And that's also made for some rather humorous moments, as a matter of fact! Sooo, YEAH! if you ever want to see me stutter and act almost completely stupid, just have him smile at me like it's nothing. And watch me say "Uhm...!?" more times than I can actually figure out... *LOL!!*

Well, I guess that's all for now... I mean, I can slowly feel my nose getting stuffy now. I suppose this means that, I am *finally* coming down with something...? I sure hope not. This means, it's time to get my butt to bed!! [And trust me, Peter would probably be picking on me, big time, had he read this and found out that, somehow, my immune system is getting around to telling me something important!!]

Daydreaming of two fellow gentlemen [hey, it ain't wrong!]...

~ me

Chapter 233 ~ Love... and Lack Thereof

Sooo, yes. I have had a minor amount of twists and turns as far as this thing called Love is concerned. And, well... I have found myself thinking things over. For one, part of me is thinking, Maybe God *doesn't* want me to be with anyone. Like he would prefer my life being single. At the same time, having reconnected with Shiori [yes, friend of mine from a few years back... remember him?

*plucked from chapter 41--damn, that's an old pic! lol!*

yep, his codename is shiori now. so, sha'up!] last Saturday night, yeah. It's about time I got around to catching up with him more. He has my number. He and I want to hang out. And, well, yeah... I guess I'm just waiting on that call now. But at the same time I don't want to seem desperate... but, getting back to what I was saying! Part of me's all, God would probably prefer me to not worry myself over being with someone. And at the same time, reconnecting with Shiori makes me think, Y'know, God doesn't want me to give up. Just to stop worrying about it. So, I am not sure.

I am, however, sure on this--Hideki-chan... well, I think it's almost entirly safe to say that, I think I am done with him. Yes, he hasn't called me back, or texted me, or whatever. Perhaps I am nothing more than an afterthought in his mind? I am not sure. I will, however, vent in stating the fact that, it's almost way too f@#ked up that, he and his roommates plot up movie nights just about every single Friday night--and yet Hideki couldn't even bother so much as to make plans with me. So, hey! it's his loss now. If he wants to get a hold of me, he has my number; otherwise, I'm pretty much done with him for a while. Because, you know what... it's not fair. It's just NOT fair. And it only goes to show that, perhaps, I *do* deserve someone better, one that *can* and *will* put in an effort to make time.

Don't worry though--as soon as Mommy gets the laptop hard drive and gets it sent over here, then... yeah. My social life's gonna be back in the shelf, and it'll be back to spending time on the laptop and getting creative and stuff. I miss doing all of that. And, at least, that way I won't have to worry myself over boredom. For all I know, I could just spend my eventides at home and not worry over what-all I'm doing with friends. And if someone bails on me at the last minute, I can just stay home and chat with everyone else. That person's loss, everyone else's gain!

You know that old saying. Revenge is a bitch.

Meanwhile... I am still recovering from work last week, and the past couple of days. It almost feels like, I get into one minor scrape, recover from that, only to get smacked with something else. It never f@#king ends. And, sadly, I really don't know what else to do about it--aside from keeping my faith firm in God and leaning on him when I can't find the strength to do otherwise. Not that I don't lean on God--I do, but sometimes it feels like he's not there. But I know he is--he's just testing me. Sadly though, I will confess that, in all my imperfections, I have failed a good handful of his tests. He does forgive me though, but I just wish I wasn't such an imperfect brat. On the otherhand, I don't wish to be entirely perfect--perfectionism isn't my best strength. And the last time I really hated myself for my imperfectionism, I almost killed myself, and that was six years ago!

Aside from that, March is over, and my heart grieves over all the failures and imperfections of that month. I will get over it, and move on. I have better things to do than waste my precious time over people that just won't bother with me.

In the immortal words of the Sundays' "Love", "Just love yourself like no one else..."

~ me

Chapter 232 ~ Storm the Front

Sooo... another March has come and gone. It's sad though, because this was a month I really had high hopes for. With the exception of Engeki-chan's visit and reuniting with family that I love and miss immensely, and not to mention yesterday's surprise inspection during the first two freckin' hours of my shift [guh... gotta love the stress on borderline-explode] which our store passed, well... yeah. This month has been one of many tears and disappointments.

And it hurts, a lot.

Death's struck three or four times that I can think of; plans I made with friends, in advance, fell through rather badly; stress at work got to me, and I have a burn from Monday morning as a piece of evidence to show for it.

Hideki-chan... well... I don't know 'bout him anymore. I called and left him a voicemail this past Saturday asking if he'd like to get together with me this Saturday, maybe go see a movie or two. [There's two, actually, that I'd like to see--"Kick Ass" and "How to Train Your Dragon"... surprise! Sunny wanna go see movies for once!!] Sadly, well, I haven't heard from him yet, and tomorrow's Maundy Thursday and, I'm pretty much looking forward to what could possibly be a Saturday alone. Again. I think I'll prepare to take another Cemetery Excursion that afternoon, and then go to the Easter Vigil service at Church before heading home to just do *something.* I am not sure what I will do to keep myself occupied but, that's pretty much what things are looking like for the moment unless Hideki can step up his game a bit. It's a shame too... I really like him. And I know that he likes me too but, right now... well... it makes me want to doubt that. And I really, really don't want to have to have doubts about his feelings for me. It just sucks that he's too busy to actually make time for me. Thank his job for that, folks. But... I don't blame him. I just wish that things weren't such a damn strain for us right now. *sigh* We'll just have to wait and see what happens from here.

Meanwhile, I had planned twice to hang out with Siren and, both times they fell through. I suppose I won't go into specifics but, the timing's gone all wrong, and the situations didn't seem quite so proper. So, I don't know. I'm thinking, maybe an I-Bar excursion this summer. When things aren't so crazy and Choir's on vacation. But unless Siren gets over a case of hurt pride [remember Siren--rejection is a bitch. this I know. remember when you dumped me? uh-huh, i thought so. lesson learned, case in mind, now let's move it along m'kay?], I doubt I'll be visiting I-Bar again anytime soon. Thankfully I have plenty of 80's mixes to keep my ears otherwise preoccupied.

And, in other whims... well... Kaguya is my friend again. Yes, Mikey. I have found a codename--it's actually the name I've used for the Starian Union stories. So, anywho, yes, I have reconnected with Kaguya and, to be honest, it's good to catch up with him again. I kinda miss the boy, really. Just sad that, when I look back sometimes, he did break my heart. But, I have since gotten over that minor pain--I'm not gonna let a failed romance kill any possibility of a damn good friendship. I don't know--maybe we'll be together again someday, maybe not. If it's meant to be, then so be it. I have my doubts though... maybe because of my whole stance against the "second chance"-type thing. But, I don't know, maybe some things are worth a second try? I am not sure. And I won't jump the gun on this either... I'm not that stupid.

Aside from Engeki-chan's visit, I've tried to make plans to hang out with friends some four times this month. So far, three of them have all fallen through somehow, through circumstances unexpected. And, the way things are going, plan #4 might end up in the same way with the others. That is fine, however--it just means that, I'm going to start making back-up plans for myself. If I've got something going on with a friend and that falls through at the last minute, I've got something to fall back on and get around to. Determined, me? Perhaps. But, in the end, I'm not going to let disappointment f@#k me up and over. Basically, those who back out on me, will just miss out--plain and simple.

This month marked the 6-year anniversary of my only suicide attempt, and my surviving it. Painful as it seems, it's been perhaps the darkest of my moments, and probably my greatest triumph. I hadn't felt as weak as I was at that moment, when I almost ended my existence. To be honest, I'm glad I survived it, even as there were times when I really wanted to doubt my existence and survival. Because, there'd been days when really did wish I hadn't survivied the attempt. In the end, however, I am glad that I did--because, when you think about it, there'd be a handful of people left behind, and even more that I'd never met and touched the lives of. Sooo, yeah, I'm glad I survived. And I think I'm a better person for it. Yes, I'll have my tears. Yes, life will have many a disappointment. Yes, work's always going to want to beat me 'til it hurts, and people will spite me for God knows whatever reason. Yes, I'll have trying times... but hey. Trials will not have the last word--God will. And in Him do I keep and will continue to trust. Mark my words on that.

Sooo... I guess that's this now-ending month, all in all. Or, at least, my analysis of it anyway. Much has gone on, and I'm not even sure if whether or not I should look forward to April. However, I should. And I am. Because, there's Easter. And the 125th Anniversary of the Daughters of the King [woohoo!!], and... and... crap. I guess that's about all to look forward to for April, right? I mean, aside from Kids Night on Tuesdays and all that... but, still.

*sigh* I think I need to start finding my own reasons to celebrate. 'Cause trying to make plans to hang out with friends [only to watch 'em fall apart] just doesn't seem to be working for me at this rate. More Cemetery Excursions and more plotting for Kids Nights, those seem to be in order for me, enough to keep me mentally sane. Or somewhere close to otherwise-fully-preoccupied. If people want to make plans with me, they need to follow through. Otherwise, time wasted. Back-up plans are now in effect for Saturday--and if Hideki can't step up to the plate, then it's his loss. I can always go celebrate Easter a few hours early.

Fed up with worthless wastes of time...
~ me

Chapter 230 ~ Reckonings and Randomosities

So today's my day off. Not much has changed, aside from a lot. I haven't seen Hideki-chan in a bit over a week. More than a week in fact. And I know he's been busy. The most I can do is to just pray and watch over him from a distance. I hate how I feel though--it's almost like love. It shouldn't be love, so why the f@#k do I feel so... so...

God, it better not be love. Or else my heart's gonna get freckin' shot. I hate it. I'm scared. And the problem is, when someone gets too close... they leave. Either that or, great person but the timing is just so wrong. And I fear that, it's bound to be more a combination of the two. I mean, I really like Hideki-chan. A lot. It hurts. The most I can do is make the best of it and just keep praying for the best.

Speaking of Hideki-chan, I actually wrote a nice letter today. It was small, only two pages, front only. And we're talking a size of 7"x5", wide-ruled! But, the Boss and I did get to talk for a bit and, I think I impressed him pretty decently. I mean, I'm sure Hideki-chan told him about me a bit but, I felt it was a proper idea to introduce myself to him personally and hand him the letter. All in all, noblest thing I've done all week. I can only hope the Boss has something good to say to Hideki-chan about our little chance-meeting this morning.

...but, we haven't spoken in so long... the silence... hurts...

Meanwhile, today is my day off. Hurrah for Wednesdays. And I get to take on my responsibilities as Secretary in my Daughters of the King Chapter. I have, gosh... some 6 to 8 months' worth of notes to sort out for Chapter President Marcia?? Eh, yeah. Thankfully though, she has a copy of every Agenda for the meetings, so I just need to send her the minutes for all the meetings I have. And luckily, they're not that much anyway--it's pretty much notes and what-all's been discussed. Not too much to sort out. So, I think I just might be able to get it all squared away and taken care of and all that. This might be fun.

And, two songs of note. The first one is the Song of the Week:
"Put the Message in the Box" - World Party


The other is the Song of the Day--and dedicated to my Choirmaster [because, as I'm continuing what I call the Mind-Expansion Project (which was started back around Christmastime), if Peter hasn't heard this (and I am assuming he hasn't heard it!) then, he's in for a nice musical treat]:
"Forever Young" - Youth Group
[song originally done by alphaville]


And on *that* whim and bombshell, time to finally take on the notes from all those meetings. Yes, I just spent two hours on the computer in the current "Underground" [still laptop'less unfortunately], and writing out this post and checkin' out YouTube and clearing out some 20-freckin'-million e-mails and... and...

[SHUT. UP. SUNSHINE!]
...eh, until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 224 ~ Change of Heart

So much has gone on... so much...

For one, today I have decided to say an almost-bitter "Goodbye" without even saying it, to Yuuki. As I haven't really been able to speak with him at all since that last IM almost two weeks ago, and as I am afraid he has moved to New York and--possibly--begun to go on with his life... yeah. I have feared a bit of the worse, and while it's only been about a month since I'd met him, sadly the time arrives to say farewell and move on. Of course it pains me a bit inside, because, hey! I actually liked Yuuki. But, I guess, life dealt us a cold hand. And I have to come to accept it--and, tough to admit it but, I have.

On the other hand, I have found myself wanting to spend more time with Latin-O, and partly because of the kiss from All Hallow's Weekend. While I don't necessarily see myself as betraying anyone whatsoever--remember, Yuuki and Latin-O are [or were?] friends--I wonder if I have to really take up Yuuki's advice to "find someone who can be there." It's not going to be easy but... who knows? And what does Latin-O see in me? I guess it's probably more than I'd realised. However, I don't want to jump the gun on anything. So, here's hoping that maybe, after some three or four years of being friends, maybe there might be something there that wasn't there before. I don't know... we will see.

Last week I survived a very long workweek, complete with an Inspection--which I survived on some five hours' sleep. By the way, we passed. Still though, the week had a way of messing me up and over, especially with my sleeping patterns. Yeah, it was a rough week last week. This week however, my schedule's back to normal so I have my Wednesday off. And that means, more lost sleep to catch up on. More sleep is a good thing, especially since I'd lost enough sleep last week and had to make up for it and, thus, missing Discipleship class AND Services on last Wednesday and this past Sunday. I owe my team plenty. *sigh*

So... that was pretty much last week in a nutshell. I still have much to do before I try to finalise plans with Latin-O for Saturday 21 November, to hang out with him again. Hopefully, well, things go through somehow. *fingers crossed*

Wishing... wondering...
[hoping... and moving on...]

~ me

Chapter 222 ~ Tempest

So the washer at work wouldn't start. The towel-detergent dispenser wouldn't start after the washer DID start. The rush didn't stop. A ketchup pump is missing parts. The drive-thru system went absolutely psycho. And that was just TODAY--AT WORK.

And to think that last night's IM conversation with Yuuki was what brought me to that much-needed good cry--because... well... right now... he's facing the possibility of leaving. As in, having to move... out of state. And, it hurts, because I won't be able to see him anymore. I haven't seen him since last Tuesday, when I went to get the hat for my costume... and, I'm afraid that, that would be the last time I'd ever get to see him. To be honest, I haven't cried so much over a guy in a long damn time... last night, I just couldn't stop crying. Didn't even fall asleep until sometime after 11:30 last night, and I still couldn't sleep all that great. Lovely--I meet someone in the area, that I actually like... only to end up facng the very real possibility of losing him. It hurts.

I am doing my best not to think about it, but granted that it was only the start of hell on earth that expanded throughout my workday today, it's very difficult right now. While I haven't thought of the problem much throughout the day at work, it's still a deep-enough wound in my heart. And especially with time running very, very thin right now... I can't really push the matter far enough from my mind. It's far too soon. It's... tomorrow. That's how painfully close the matter is to me. And what sucks is that, I really like him. Now... I get to lose him. Already. It's very nice how life deals a very cruel hand to us now, isn't it?

Latin-O and I will continue on with plans as originally sorted--going out tomorrow after he [Latin-O] is done with work for the day/eventide. Tomorrow night, I am going to make the best of things--or, at least, try to anyway. It's going to be difficult though, because of the emotionally exhausted state I am currently in; however, I am determined to press onward--even if it kills me. I am not going to become Miss Remy Thames for Halloween in vain... especially if Latin-O is going as Ash from the "Evil Dead" movie trilogy. But, I didn't plot up a costume like Remy's for nothing, really...

Wednesday, I won't be having a day off like I usually do. In fact, at the moment, this is what next week looks like. Pay attention--you'll see why:

Sunday 1 November ~ All Saints Day ~ Evensong at 4 P.M., Saint Barnabas Church.
Monday 2 November ~ All Souls Day ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Tuesday 3 November ~ Work [12 P.M. - 8 P.M.] - Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November ~ WORK [5 A.M. - 2 P.M.] - VISIT FROM CORPORATE! ~ F.A.M. Night/Discipleship class [Dinner 5:30 P.M. ~ Class 6:30-7:30 P.M.]
Thursday 5 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.] ~ D.O.K. Meeting [7-8 P.M.]
Friday 6 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Saturday 7 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Sunday 8 November ~ Church

As of right now, Auntie [that's my new nickname for my First Assistant Manager] isn't sure when my other day off will be yet, but she will be sure to schedule me that second day off. When I know more of when, I will post and update y'all.

In the meantime, I have been having a severe temper with much of the people I have to deal with--in particular one person who said yesterday, "And who the fuck would want to hang out with a blue-haired punk like YOU!?" Needless to say, that's been a major wound in my nerves. Yes, I am more over it. As to the emotional state of the heart, however... that is another story. It's going to be a very long weekend ahead.

Tired, worn out, and heartbroken...

~ me

Chapter 219 ~ Postcards from Paradise...?

Sooo... I'll be honest. I've had a rather hectic week. And 'hectic' is more an understatement than you'd realise. Now since I know there's some of you looking at this going, "Oh, we know. We've read the Facebook statuses and nonsuch..."

oh, no. You don't know. And only a small handful do. So I'm just going to summarise this week in a few sentences, maybe even a few words.

Monday was a nervewreck. Tuesday brought a break-up. And I didn't want to wake up on Wednesday [but I did for F.A.M. Night]. Yesterday was hell [and chocolate syrup on the work visor--don't ask, it ain't funny]. Today... today I'm tired.

Oh and, yes, you read proper. Tuesday night I broke up with Roboter, which I suppose was a while in coming but, it was only a matter of time after the fighting and silence. Now, please, no, don't feel sorry for me. Please. I don't want anyone's pity, nor do I care for it. Break-ups hurt on both ends of the wire, no matter how peaceful or chaotic the moment of shatter is. I'm not gonna lie--I'm okay, I'm a strong girl. But [and hear me out when I say this] break-ups are a bitch, plain and simple. Not like I don't miss him [eh, I do, but just a bit] but... this is for the best. Better to lose the relationship than to lose the friend.

As for yesterday, I suppose I can explain the chocolate syrup incident. Here's the sitch--I was in the Front Drive-Thru area, multitasking between taking orders and helping in making drinks. I was about to start making a Hot Chocolate, and I'd just put in the chocolate syrup and... I swear, I've no idea what the Helen of Troy happened but, between trying to avoid my coworker Mary's elbow, and my trying to pay attention between the drink and the order on the Speaker... the next thing I knew, *THUNK!!* the cup dropped from my grasp [damnit, how!?], hit the floor, and chocolate syrup went *everywhere*. Got my face and under the brim of my visor. Boy was that a laugh... well, Mary and I got a light laugh out of it, but the rest of the day [I'm not even gonna go there either] brought me to a crying fit with Manager Carlina in the Managers' Office. Yeah, yesterday was that bad.

So... that's just about the gist of things here on this front. That's the current State of this thing called Me. I'm just... bleah. Plain and simple. And it's even so much as affected me with my RP, as I'm really going through a rough Typist's Block right now, with another Typist conflict in the Forum which I am not going to go into. All I can say is, it's added to the slight bout of "Meh" that I'm in. So, yeah, all of a sudden... I don't feel so freckin' great anymore.

No, don't give me your pity. I don't want it.

~ me

Chapter 215 ~ Missing...

Today, after a rather rough week, and not even cheerful in the midst of Choir starting up again and my being Secretary of my D.O.K. Chapter... part of me feels missing. Terribly missing. I don't feel sound, I am not myself. And it hurts. This heart is breaking in the worst possible manner. It... it sucks. It really does. And mind you, it's one month to my 26th Birthday and, to be honest with y'all, I am not really looking forward to it, given the way things have been this past week.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I'm just tired. Sick and tired of damn near everything. Part of me wants to scream "Bah f@#king humbug!" and yet, I can't. And between the health-care controversy with the so-called "death panels" [yes, I heard plenty enough about it] and the headache and a half at work [especially with tensions rising, big time, between Manager Carlina and myself] AND perhaps the worst bout of a broken heart... I've come this close to screaming that I've damn-near had it.

*sigh* The longest month of the year has begun. Lovely.

Sooo, for those of us who's missing some part of ourselves... including myself... this is dedicated to us empty souls.
*Song of the Week*
"One of Our Submarines" ~ Thomas Dolby


Trying to find that missing piece of...
~ me