Chapter 267 ~ The Post-Chicago Post, and... and, a True Like!?

Yes, you Citizens read proper. But first, last week's Random 20!

1) "Crystal" - New Order.
2) "Electricity" - OMD.
3) "Just Can't Get Enough" - Depeche Mode.
4) "Wild Is the Wind" - David Bowie.
5) "Casual Affair" - Tonic.
6) "Abram" - José González.
7) "Hopelessly" - Rick Astley.
8) "Stinkfist" - Tool.
9) "Body and Soul" [12" EP version] - Sisters of Mercy.
10) "Raining In Baltimore" - Counting Crows.
11) "Suffer Well" - Depeche Mode.
12) "Black or White" - Michael Jackson.
13) "What's Your Fantasy?" - Ludacris. [Yes... Ludacris. Shush.]
14) "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps.
15) "Losing My Religion" - R.E.M.
16) "Sunday" [Night Operations Mix] - Exchange.
17) "I Love a Man In Uniform" - Gang of Four.
18) "Like a G-6" [feat. The Cataracts and Dev] - Far East Movement.
19) "Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra.
20) "Seekers Who Are Lovers" - Cocteau Twins.

So Chicago was fantastic. Absolutely FANTASTIC. I enjoyed staying at my Mom and Stepdad's for the weekend... but 4 days aren't enough. So next year I will be up there for a whole week. I'm already looking forward to it! :-)

One of the big highlights, was visiting not one but TWO Cathedrals over the weekend! Holy Name is the Roman Catholic Cathedral, St. James is the Episcopal Cathedral. Both are absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully we will be able to stop in again when I visit next year.

Meanwhile... last week after I got back from Chicago, I spent a LOT of time with Motoki-chan. Which pretty much pissed off Zokusho-san... yeah. Things got pretty ugly between us. However, I'm not sorry about it... I mean, yes, we broke up, but communication was actually decent until I told him I was visiting Mokoti and he [the ex] basically acted like an ass about it. Which isn't necessarily great because, yes, we were together for 3 years. It *is* a long time. But I am not going to stay with someone who will only continue to hurt me... and if he can't respect me, then I'll find someone who will. As much as I loved him, I love myself more to realise, I should've just been done with him sooner. Of course, I would've hoped to keep talking to him as a friend, but last week when he reared his ugly side around... yeah. So as of last night, I'm done talking to him until he can prove to me he isn't as much of a jerk as he's been. And if that isn't the case, and he really is showing his true colors, then I'm done talking to him for good. I don't need a "friend" whom I can't talk about a damn thing anymore to. Bottom line.

Speaking of Motoki-chan, yes... it might not be true love, but it's a definite "True Like," to quote him. We like each other, we love each other, but we're not in love with each other... does that make sense? I would hope so. It made sense to the both of us!!

We've spent a LOT of time with each other last week. [The perks of having an in-town "True Like": in this case, he's a 40-minute walk from my apartment!] Going for dinner's turned into staying over at his place a handful of times. [And before y'all start, NO we have not done the deed. We are NOT going to rush it. Get those minds out of the gutter, folks.] We don't always get to see each other, but when we can, we make the time. So much more worth the effort.

Best part--he's someone I can be Jenn around. I love it. I thought I could be Jenn around Zokusho-san... nope. Not the same around Motoki-chan. He's someone I can let loose and be ridiculous with... yeah. I need someone like that in my life.

So yeah... that's the latest between Chicago and Motoki-chan...

En route to lunch...
~ me

Chapter 266 ~ Chicago, Day 1

So today I flew out to Chicago by way of Atlanta. Shout-out to Delta Airlines for taking good care of me. And a HUGE thank-you to my brother for taking me to the Airport this morning. It's been a fantastic first day so far.

I miss my dear Motoki, and he misses me too. We spent Wednesday evening AND last night together, with lots of hugs and snugs and kisses. And... and, yeah. *sigh* He's happy for me as I'm up on a much-needed vacation... he's also looking forward to lots more of those hugs, snugs and kisses after I get back!!

*le sigh*
~ me.

Chapter 265 ~ The Pre-Chicago Blogpost.

The Starian Union Random 20 for Thursday 8 August 2013.
+ "I Want You" [original extended 12" version] - Cabaret Voltaire.
+ "So Here We Are" - Bloc Party.
+ "It's The Falling In Love" - Michael Jackson.
+ "A Tattered Line Of String" - The Postal Service.
+ "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.
+ "I Want You" - Savage Garden. [Yes, now STFU.]
+ "Blind Dumb Deaf" [BBC Sessions version] - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Electric Blue" [Steve Thompson US Remix] - Icehouse.
+ "Mercury" - Counting Crows.
+ "Battle Of Who Could Care Less" - Ben Folds Five.
+ "I Would Do Anything For You" - Foster the People.
+ "Celtic Aggression" - Tonic.
+ "Hey Now!" - Oasis.
+ "Locomotion" - Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
+ "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys.
+ "Wonder 'Bout" - Utada.
+ "Mothers Talk" [7" single version] - Tears For Fears.
+ "Positive Tension" [Jason Clark of Pretty Girls Make Graves Remix] - Bloc Party.
+ "Speak No Evil" - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Lullaby" - The Cure.

...yep. Not a bad way to start this post off. I need to get back to doing that!

Now, tomorrow, I'm going to be flying up to Chicago for the weekend. Flying back on Monday. I'm very excited... haven't seen my Mom in, what? Some 5 years maybe? Yeah, this weekend's gonna be awesome. I'm psyched!!

Meanwhile... yeah... things have improved between Motoki and I. Which is good... because, well, yeah. We like each other... we just need time, which is kinda sparse, so we make the time when we can. And that's okay... I can live with it.

And, yeah... I won't even get to talking about work... just, no.

Who's ready for Chi-town? THIS GIRL.
~ me!

Chapter 264 ~ "When I come back down..."

Song of the Day|"Come Back Down" ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket.

*sigh* So yeah... things are quiet between Motoki and I. Although I must admit, I'm a little surprised he's been texting me a few times the past couple of days. However, right now, the way my heart's been hurting... yeah. This isn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt like this--crushes don't leave you feeling like your lungs are filled with deadened lead and your heart unable to calm down so easily.

Yeah. This is definitely *not* a crush. I'm afraid to admit that it's love though... OmG...

There was a student at the Parish School who was killed Friday... so to add to Larry's death... yeah, I'm just a wreck of sorts. Haven't really been able to calm down enough to regain all of me, between the deaths and Motoki. It's been really difficult to think straight the past few days... I don't know... I hate hurting like this but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WON'T GO AWAY.

*sigh* FML.

"Oh God, I'm so damn tired..."
~ me.

Chapter 263 ~ ...now, where was I?

Alright folks... I'm back. And I've got a lot to say. Sit down, buckle up, here we go.

For a start, as of this past June I am *no longer* dating Sprocket--no, actually codename change to Zokusho because someone else has the codename Sprocket and this is one of the good guys. [See? I told y'all a lot happened in the past 2 years!] But anywho, yes, I broke up with Zokusho, for all the right reasons. Long story short: yes, we did have our good times, but he's not worth the anxiety attacks I've suffered in the few months leading up to the break-up. We've since spoken on the phone; however, no, for the record, I am NOT going back with him.

I never thought I'd quote Taylor Swift but "we are never, ever, ever getting back together." Valid point too. Not worth it anymore.

Which brings me to, nope. I am NOT moving to Tampa. Obviously. Zokusho and I tried time and again... in vain. But now with the break-up there really isn't much of a point anymore concerning myself with Tampa. Plus, right now, I am needed here in DeLand... probably moreso now than I realised.

Example A: I am now serving as both Secretary AND Treasurer in my DOK Chapter. Double-duty, yes, but with the help of a couple of fellow Daughters my task isn't as difficult as it looks. Yes it can be stressful, but I have been faring well with it so far. Next month is the Diocesan Fall Assembly and this year my parish is hosting it. LOTS of preparing to do.

Speaking of, we have a new Assistant Rector--Fr. Comforted Keen, who just retired a few months ago from serving as Rector of Church of the Holy Child in Ormond Beach. He was the Priest who was at my first DOK gathering some 3 or 4 years ago--and he was at my Cursillo last year. I told him then that I remembered him from that DOK meeting, and he thought it was wonderful that I remembered him. Now he's going to be my Assistant Priest and really, I'm rather thrilled. He's a great preacher and a wonderful human being. These next three years will be interesting... bring 'em on.

So, anyone remember Jason from the Antics? Yeah. So, we dated maybe once some 3 years ago, before I started dating Zokusho. And to think I had the giggles for him... uhm...

WTF was I thinking?

...oh, right. I probably wasn't.

Anywho, yes, we're friends now. But we don't really hang out much, mostly we just text and talk on the phone from time to time. I'll give him credit though--he *has* stopped me once from doing something stupid to myself. Thankfully.

Which leads me to a few suicide-related matters, the first being that I did attempt suicide a 2nd time this past November. No, I'm not proud of it, but I would rather bring the issue to light than to sweep it under the rug like society tends to do. I'm sorry, but if you can talk to your kids about sex and drugs, then it should be more than acceptable to talk to your kids about suicide. Unfortunately society has conditioned us to not address suicide, let alone mental illness--which prompts me basically to give society the proverbial middle finger, by talking about it, addressing these things.

"Oh, it'll never happen to me." I call bullsh*t. If little Miss Happy Me attempted suicide twice, sure as *censored* it can happen to anybody. It needs to be addressed.

Secondly, I now help as a volunteer of sorts in the Survivors of Suicide group at my church. Been attending since February, and I wish I had the time allowed me to do that much sooner. Better late than never though--my friend Laura facilitates these meetings, which are twice a month. Sometimes it'll be just us two, sometimes there'll be another person with us. Worth attending these meetings... for real.

And... well... yes... there kinda-sorta *is* someone I am talking to. But things aren't necessarily great between him and I... we're working on it. I have no idea how long this is gonna take, but I believe it'll be worth the work and the wait. Because, we do like each other... but of course, as I unfortunately end up stuck in, it's a case of the "great person, not-so-great timing." Which I hate but... *sigh* ah well.

And lastly, at it was some 5 years ago, Death's been making his rounds. Except, it's worse than it was when I was approaching 25... and I'll be 30 in some 2 months! I have been to 7 funerals since Christmas Eve [yes, you Citizens read that proper], and just yesterday my good buddy Larry died from cancer and pneumonia. Last time I was hit with news this devastating, it was Christmas Eve when my fellow Chorister Marcia passed away. This is worse however, as Larry was my very first friend at St. Barnabas and... well... yeah. Between that and Motoki-chan breaking my heart yesterday, really I'm just a wreck right now. There isn't very much I can do about all of this unfortunately... the most I can do right now, is cry, and hang in there.

I'm sure there's probably more to update on, but I'm honestly exhausted from today and the past two days. And really, all I want to do is just go home, cry and sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. And cry. And...

--yeah, I think y'all get the idea.

Wishing there was a "Redo" button...
~ me.

A Preview to Chapter 263 and a Reboot...

So... to make the long story short, this blog needs an overdue update of sorts. There's been a whole lot that's happened in the two years since I last blogged and really, right now, I'm a walking wreck waiting to happen.

All that said, this is just a preview of the reboot and a much-overdue update. And this time, I've got a whole damn lot to say.

Be ready...

~ me

Chapter 256 ~ Time Won't Give Me Time

Today, well... I feel a lot better than I was last Thursday. After purging Siren out of my existence [or as much of it for that matter], now... well, now I'm preparing for a few things going on within this and next week. There is quite a bit going on... I think I know where to start. So bear with me as I recap 'em like it was nothing.

First and foremost, this week my DOK chapter starts a new meeting time at 6 P.M. This is actually a good thing for me because, since I've been opening lately on Fridays, that means I don't have to rush with dinner and getting ready for bedtime. So the new time, 6-7 P.M., goes into effect this Thursday--this was decided and noted at last Thursday's meeting.

Secondly, and speaking of work, my work schedule's back to normal after a rather insane, outrageous workweek last week. And those of y'all who read the blog know of one rather nasty situation that got my blood boiling--actually, two. One of them was concerning Siren; the other was concerning one of my own drive-thru regulars. Last Thursday I dyed my hair turquoise [but it came more like a teal than turquoise--need more blue]; the next day [Friday] said regular looks at me and decides to run his mouth. Now mind, he's one of those old folks that think they can say anything trying to be funny and end up really, REALLY lame--he's also one of those regulars that have ruffled my feathers in a not-so-good way [this wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last either]. So, he opens his mouth last Friday and what does he say?

"...your hair's molding! If you wash it with shampoo it'll help with getting it out!"

OOH! did my blood boil. WOW.

So I haven't been speaking to him since that all went down. I know I shouldn't be upset over it and yet, I am. Because if you're gonna look at me and just blatantly insult my hair like that, then of course I'm going to give you a dirty look and keep my own mouth shut. I am better off not saying anything to this guy than to just get myself in trouble for being an outspoken punk rock girl. And no, he hasn't apologised, at least not yet anyway. But still... yes, I guess y'all can say that, I've no patience for him right now. I know I need to work on it but, for now... yeah...

Thirdly, I am very excited for Halloween! Yes, I know, it falls on a Sunday this year but, I've got three Halloween festivities to look forward to. The first is Sprocket's friend Terra's party this Saturday [yay!]. Then it's the day BEFORE Halloween, because I get to do the partial dress-up at work--work uniform, plus my Mercury tiara, earrings, back bow to use as front bow with the brooch, choker, and MAYBE gloves. Then Sprocket and I have ANOTHER Halloween party that night. Halloween it's Trunk-or-Treat at Church [which I'm thinking of making an appearance with Sprocket]. And Halloween this year is on a Sunday sooo... yeah. Hence, a LOT of partying. But, I think it'll be a lot of fun. I'm very excited--thinking of taking a good amount of pictures too.

And it is on this memo, that I must end my train of thought for now. I have to be at work in an hour and I haven't jumped in the shower yet sooo, yeah. Time to get going on that note. And, well... I guess one can only hope that today won't be too bad but, I don't know... I mean, I know I've had my high hopes but... yeah. On the other hand, I have a Kids Night Halloween next Tuesday to prepare for. So, who knows...

That noted, I really should post something up in the Lobby about it. Just saying.

Headstrong--even if sometimes, reluctantly...

~ me

Chapter 253 ~ Chaotic Emotion

I'm awake, I'm wired, and--so help me God--I hate not having a nap when I want one. Long story with that one, I'll explain in a moment. But, I feel as if something just hasn't been quite right... maybe I'm just a bit overstressed, or worried about tomorrow. Again, explanation coming. Bear with me.

Meanwhile, today was the Daughters of the King Fall Assembly. With 41 pictures taken and a lot of conversation to be had with my friend Michele [whom I hadn't seen since the Fall Assembly in Melbourne LAST YEAR--she's in the DOK Chapter in Haines City], it was a great time to be had. I even told her about Sprocket--she was quite happy for me!

The festivities of Fall Assembly this year were nothing short of amazing. For one, it was at the Cathedral in Orlando this year. Two, it was rather bittersweet, as it was Anne's final Fall Assembly in Central Florida; she handed down the Presidency to Krisita, the 2nd Vice-President, during the meeting [the 1st Vice-President had to resign due to health issues as a result of her fight with cancer]. Anne will be moving to Tennessee on 1 November--another bittersweet day as it's not only All Saints Day, but also the day of corporate communion for all Daughters of the King. I'll be honest when I say, I am going to miss Anne very much--she'd been like an older sister and mentor to me, and especially during when I was preparing to become a Daughter. Now... *sigh* yeah, I still have one more month or so with her but, still...

I guess it's been a rather big year for losses, hasn't it? Awesome'ness is on his Sabbatical after his time as Choirmaster, and Anne's leaving to Tennessee. [Great-]Aunt Jackie died, two friends' Moms died, and my legally-blind adopted-at-the-heart Nana Janet died. It makes me almost worry about what the rest of the year is looking like.

Right now I'm wired and awake... on 6 hours' sleep and a 10-minute nap. I've been awake since 3 this morning, had to work 4:15-6 this morning since my 1st Assistant Manager accidentally scheduled me to work today. The only time I took that nap? On the way back from Orlando. I wanted to take a nap when I got home from Church but of course, that wasn't possible. That and, I still have 41 pictures to send over to e-mail and then post them in an epic mass e-mail to just about everybody. Which, mind you, isn't a problem for me. Except, it's gonna take a while. This I know. I know I've got Michele and Linda [the Diocesan Historian] to send them out to. Them and Gracie-boo [my DOK 'Nana'], Anne, Terry, Deacon Megumi, and the others in the Chapter.

Oh, and I have to work 6 A.M.-1 P.M. tomorrow. Which means I'll be a rehearsal behind for the Choir's first Evensong of the Choral Year... which is TOMORROW NIGHT. Good Lord, I am not gonna be a happy camper tomorrow. I'm not even prepared for it tomorrow, at all--I still have doubts about myself over the Magnificat piece. Tomorrow is not going to be good... I'm so scared I can almost feel it. Yeah, it's that bad.

...I swear, I need to sleep. Where's Sprocket to cuddle with?

Borderline-restless...

~ me

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me

A Final Letter to Aunt Jackie

I can remember having met you, Great-Aunt Jackie, four years ago at the family reunion on my Stepmom's side. Aunt Jackie... well, you were quite a character. You were also quite a sweet lady. Heck, you even taught me needlepoint--which was something I got into for a while, but slipped away from and would love to get back into. We had quite a good time getting to know each other better, and vowed to keep in touch. Which we did, time and again. Although my only regret is, I didn't spend enough time. Time... well, it's one thing we never can have enough of, this I know.

Last summer, en route from Indiana back to Florida, we stopped in Kentucky to visit you for a couple of hours. While the younger siblings went to pick blackberries, you, Stepmom and I stayed inside and talked all the while. At the time, you were fighting cancer--which worried me a bit, because I know of people who've died in their battle against cancer [Great-Grandma Ana Julia being one of them]. In the back of my mind, I wasn't sure how to bring it up with you, so I didn't. In the end, I was fairly glad that I didn't.

But then, the first of two family tragedies came to pass, with my Grams passing away up in Ohio [reference: Chapter 231|10 March 2010]. What I didn't know though at the time [and in fact I didn't know until Father's Day while talking with Grandma Sharon], was that you'd beaten cancer. But come Father's Day, Grandma Sharon gave me the update about your beating cancer--but with even more shocking news that, the cancer you'd been fighting and defeated... came back. That you were given 1 to 2 months to live. My heart broke, and I was sure enough on the watch... waiting... waiting...

The best thing God could ever do, was to call you home last night.

Rest in peace, Aunt Jackie. I love you.

Waiting 'til this weekend to finally say goodbye...

~ me


O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of your servant Jackie, and grant her an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
your saints; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and
reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for
ever. + Amen.

[funeral liturgy, book of common prayer.]

Chapter 249 ~ ...vacation? WHAT VACATION!?

...well damn, so much for a vacation.

So thanks to circumstances beyond me and Sprocket's control, I have spent my entire vacation... in town. And if having to work all week on Sprocket's end wasn't bad enough, thank the car for giving him hell--because I was supposed to be staying over at his place tonight. As it is, I'm unfortunately in town... still. Sooo, the attempt to go out of town for vacation this year was a 'Fail' and, to be honest, I'm kinda glum about it. The only real good side about it was that, I got to see him this past weekend when he was over, and when he stayed over last night. Otherwise... well, it rained. And rained. And I was in town.

For all I know, I should've just gone to work, had I known that I was going to be stuck in town due to factors beyond my or Sprocket's control.

So as of right now, tomorrow afternoon's plans to go see Tears for Fears in concert is questionable, leaning towards 'very unlikely'--and it sucks, 'cause Sprocket and I were gonna meet up with a fellow Cocteau Twins fan too. The plans for Visage Night later on that evening still stands--however, it's also highly unlikely that I'll have anyone to go with. I mean, I know my fellow Cocteau Twins friend will be there. But... I mean, damn... if I get rained on in my new dress...

Yeah, I feel like I just picked the most fscked up time to go on vacation. I feel like I somehow just... wasted it. I just...



I think I'm going to have a long good cry now. What a way to end vacation. Boy am I looking forward to returning to work Monday morning.

Crying upon a shipless ocean...

~ me

Chapter 248 ~ Together|Asunder

Sometimes, I have to wonder just how painful some wounds were before they were just too deep to heal.

Things went rather sour, big time, between Seiya and I. Then again, I didn't even realise just how much he was really hurting since the break-up last September. Hell, I thought we would be better off as friends. And for quite a while, things had been going okay. Sure, we didn't always communicate as much as we used to, but we kept in touch. We had endured the loss of loved ones, and we had a good laugh through the better times. Though we hadn't spoken for a few weeks, I had thought, He's probably busy. His life's been a bit hectic, and it's understandable. So of course I thought, things were alright. We'd keep in touch... right?

News flash--I was so wrong.

It started earlier yesterday afternoon, when Sprocket [remember the guy I met in Orlando last month? yep, he's got a codename now!] stopped over at my place. Conversations went between my Halloween costume and my Classic Lolita outfit, and then it went into the who's-who of the StarKnights. And that was when it dawned on me--I thought, Damn, that reminds me. I haven't seen Seiya-chan online in a while. So I checked my Facebook and... well... hell. Where the Helen of Troy was he!? Yeah, Sprocket could tell I got a bit worried.

So I sent a text to Seiya, and he responded. I asked if he was alright. He told me he wasn't, and to call him later on in the evening. About an hour or so passed by before I received an e-mail from him... and needless to say, I was shocked. Sprocket was surprised, albeit not quite as shocked as I was. I just didn't know how to react, to be honest. Given that, I had assumed all was well... I thought there wasn't anything to worry about. How the Helen of Troy could this have gone up to this, and under my nose and outside my own radar? How was I to know that Seiya had been suffering far worse than this?

And on the other hand, the only time he ever noted about it, was in a letter he'd written a few months back.

Ten minutes to 9 P.M., and Sprocket and I are en route to CVS and still talking about the situation concerning Seiya. And it was then that I realised that, if this was how it was going to be, then... well, I wasn't gonna bother calling. Not if he sent that e-mail telling me that, he's moved on. That, he cannot be friends with me anymore. And if this was how it was going to go down, then that was to be something I would have to accept and live with. And I did, with the last thing he would receive from me--which I will make an extended version of at the end of this Chapter.

But yes, needless to say... it's a damn shame, that a friendship of some two or three years, would have to end like this. However, that is fine. Because if that's how it has to be then, so be it.

In other news, and speaking of Sprocket, I guess we can almost say that it's pretty official--boyfriend and girlfriend. Or as BF+GF as it's gonna get. It's somewhat complicated, but so far things are going spiffy. I like it. Which leads me to after I sent the final text to Seiya. We went to CVS and returned, got some laundry done, and went to sleep for the eventide. He dropped me off at work, before crashing at my place for a couple of hours. Now I recalled him having to be at class at 9 A.M.--so while he had mayhem at college to deal with, I had chaos at work to put up with. In fact, today I hadn't said a damn thing about the sitch between Seiya and I, so I must have done damn well somewhat. But work was chaotic and I even had to cry during my break. [I didn't even finish my breakfast, and forgot about the chocolate cookies I'd bought--that's how F'd up today was and how hectic I was when all was said and done.]

I come home irritated and ready to cry again--when I saw what looked to be a letter on my bed. At first, I was a bit perplexed. But then when I read it, I couldn't stop smiling... I haven't stopped smiling. In fact, Sprocket's letter is beside me now even as I type this!! Yes, this has made my day.

I will be seeing him again this weekend, and the whole of next week for that matter. Yep, y'all guessed it--I will finally be on vacation for next week. I'm very excited for this--spending a week with Sprocket. Who knows what-all sort of mayhem will ensue? It'll only prove to be rather interesting. Hopefully I'll update as the week goes along.

For now however, and in closing... I must finish with a proper send-off. A damn shame that it has to come down to this...

Seiya,

I am shocked, and apalled, that you have sent me such an e-mail as you sent yesterday. So, I suppose, it is only fitting that I reply in something that is more than two sentences long. Because, to be honest, the last thing I need is an e-mail from you to dampen my mood while my new guy's visiting me. The last thing I needed was to have to be the last to know.

But this time, it seemed, you didn't give a damn if I was the last to know now. You didn't care anymore, because you moved on. But I was the last to know, and too late to even understand it. I guess, then, that I was blind and stupid to realise that, you never did get over me. Or maybe I thought, all would be well while we were still friends. We would always be friends, wouldn't we?

And yet, once again, I was wrong. I was always wrong, wasn't I?

I cannot go back to the way things used to be, the way you wanted things to be. My heart has found a new joy, one much closer to me. It cannot risk itself in the repeat of what would only become pain and, in the end, hurting. It couldn't take another stupid argument over who had a worse attitude problem. It couldn't take another having to sit around and just do nothing... feeling like a complete waste of time when all was said and done... a complete waste of emotions. Yes, I was hurting that much. And since you decided to tell me now, at the last minute, of your wanting to cut ties with me, I'd decided to wait 'til now to really spill out my guts. So there, now you know.

And yet, it's too late to fix anything.

So then, go on with your life. I have begun to do so myself--erasing memories of you from my phone. The picture and the texts. The blogposts and the stories remain, because they are a part of my past--but you will have no part of my future. Yet will I continue to pray for you... but rest assured--you will never hear from me ever again.

Because of your e-mail, I decided to not call you, nor will I call you ever again, because I deleted your number. Only fitting, so that I never find the nerve to ever want to speak to you. That said,

May your father continue to smile upon you from Heaven. May your mother stay strong. May you continue to be strong. May God hold you in His hands. And may life treat you better than you expected.

Good-bye and good luck. I wish you well.

~ me

Chapter 247 ~ I Have A Tale To Tell...

*Writer's Note--This post was started on Wednesday 21 July, and was continued and finished on Thursday 22 July 2010*

- [ W e d n e s d a y 2 1 J u l y ] -

[Note--the Chapter Title is the first line from the Song of the Day.]

Song of the Day//"Live to Tell"|Madonna.

...okay, so my original Chapter 247 didn't quite go as planned. A lot came up, and with that came some drama which desperately needed a good sorting-through. Right now though, things are a bit more on the calmer side. Providing the wifi doesn't mess up as I type this, here's an update.

First and foremost, Hideki-chan. Yes, I think that, it's safe to say that, it's been over--only I was reluctant to accept it. But now, I've come to accept it. His life's much too chaotic right now for him to make time for me... and this, told me EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON. A bit late to notify me, eh? On the other hand, I'm just a bit ahead of this, and perhaps all the more glad for it.

Meanwhile... work's been mayhem and a half. Kids Night's been fairly slow because of Summer Vacation. And of course, there's always something bound to happen at every turn. Such is life at work, one like myself could suppose... and yet, I survive at the daily. There but for the grace of God, indeed.

The World Cup this year was rather interesting, to say the least. This year it all went down in South Africa, and boy were there plenty of ups and downs to show for it. I had been rooting for USA and England, who were both eliminated in the Round of 16. And then people were telling me to root for this time or root for that team, which didn't help me any. Though I will say, congrats and kudos to Spain for going so far as to not only reach the Final for the first time in their country's history but also to win it. On the other hand... damn, if y'all missed that Final match, it was a dirty one--and by that I mean, 14 YELLOW CARDS AND 1 RED CARD. Yeah, Netherlands played a rather crappy game, big time. Spain put up a helluva fight. Game went into Extra Time. And in the end, Spain won it. Next stop is Brazil in 2014.

- [ T h u r s d a y 2 2 J u l y ] -

Song of the Day|"Evangeline" - Cocteau Twins

Wow... just, wow.

Ever felt like today was just one of those days that you just wanted to hide in your own shell and cry? Well, that's how it was, for the first time in quite a while, because that's how I'm feeling after a rather chaotic day at work, in which anything can go wrong and did--and into all sorts of wrong too. I'm surprised I didn't throw anything at anyone yet. On the other hand... today... I'm just outright upset, tired and ready for a good cry. It hasn't happened yet though. Perhaps getting back to this would put something good on my face? I can but only hope. Only one person knows the whole of the situation... I just haven't found a codename for him yet but... yeah... he knows. And to be honest, I'm glad and thankful a bit that he heard me out. It actually surprised me a bit, but... yeah...

I'm smiling again, albeit a sad smile, but smiling nonetheless.

And it brings me to a memory associated with him. And that memory would be this past Saturday night, when I went to a Visage Reunion night in Orlando with two of my friends. I ran into two other friends that I hadn't seen in years [Tina! Jonathan! FUN TIME HAD BY ALL!], and I pretty much danced the night away. All four hours of it. The night itself was awesome'ness... but he made it all the better. And he knows who he is. It's a bit of a long story as to how we met, but it all really led up to this night, in which--after exchanging a few messages here and there, and then my inviting him at the sorta-last-minute--we met up... and had a grand ol' eventide!

I'm smiling again, even now. While it's a sad one because I'm exhausted, it's still a smile because I have a good memory to look back on.

That, though, doesn't seem to stop the tears that have finally come around to fall...

Finally having a good cry...

~ me

Chapter 244 ~ Two Weeks Later

Song of the Day|"Wonderwall" - Oasis

I miss looking at the world and laughing at it [with him].
I miss having a moment of slight confusion [with him].
I miss talking about random, silly nonsuch [with him].
I miss taking on the world fearlessly [with him].

Two weeks after we said, "I'll see you later,"
my heart has never felt more broken.

It hurts sometimes...



Dear Peter,

The Choir has only been on vacation two weeks. I miss you already. And of course I feel all the more pathetic about it. I guess I'm still smitten over you, or perhaps I just miss one of my best buddies. But, it's not the same without you.

I have been facing the world more boldly, more courageously, more fearlessly. But on the other hand, I don't have many people to share my adventures with, or get a good cheerful chin-up. So, my summer it seems is off to a bit of a rough start.

Things are not the same without you. I am, while still a crazy kick-butt punk, still a coward. But I think of you... well, I think of you a lot. And I have memories to keep me smiling, and your words and lessons I learned from you to encourage me. I am sure that the Choir feels that same way, of missing and remembering you.

So far there has been no word about who the new Choirmaster will be. Already I am worried, almost nervous, because I don't know who [s]he will be or what [s]he is like. I don't even know if anything's gone on concerning that. The most I can do is trust in God and pray for the best.

How are you and Eric? How are things? How is your summer [so far]?

I miss you [but you already know that].

~ "Sunshine"

Chapter 243 ~ My Heart to Compromise?

Song of the Moment|"The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
Song of the Day|"Love Plus One" - Haircut 100

I have realised something, something highly important about myself, as I sit and check my e-mail and Facebook and all that. Between that and having a unexpected conversation with Siren...

it seems that my heart is still the subject of questioning, in a sense.

For the better part of the last couple of months, my heart's been in limbo and a f@#ked-up mess. Between Orin messing my heart over, two exes wanting me for only one thing, and one other ex wanting me back altogether... not to mention the fact that I don't know how to tell them all off without being a complete bitch at the risk of losing the friendships entirely... and never mind the fact that I can't get a date anyway so I just stay home and hide...

yeah. Somehow I'm just glad I'm single. I mean, I want something that's gonna be more about some proper intelligent conversations than the physical attaction. Now I'm not saying I'm going after the ugly guys--hell now. I'm just saying, yeah, I should be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him and not want to get in his pants, and vice versa. I refuse to compromise my heart to someone that just wants to get in my pants and not even commit.

So right now, my nerve's a bit edgy. But I don't want to compromise my heart to anyone or anything. I don't want anything less of a worthwhile relationship. But the problem is... right now, the way things are looking, my outlook's turned more of a DO NOT WANT as far as that's concerned. I'm still afraid to trust anyone that much to get close to. Especially after what Orin did to me... yeah. He's pretty much screwed things up for sure.

On a lighter note...

...

...

...oh hell. There really isn't much of a lighter note today. I'm too irritated and exhausted to even think of anything good going on right now. Other than the obvious fact that I'm alive. I suppose that alone will suffice.



Dear, dear Peter...

Today was the first day of a new season of solitude. It's been rough. I don't have much of a clue as to how to swat a few longing exes away without hurting them. And this isn't the first time this has happened, but I was too much trying to smile and be happy yesterday to not even think about it. So I didn't tell you about it.

Work was hectic to say the least today. I nonetheless made it through the day, and am home safely and in one piece [for the most part anyway].

And, I have realised that, I will not compromise my heart for anyone or anything. Sadly though, I am left almost wishing that there were more guys in the world like you. I don't know... maybe I'm just stuck in a moment of wishful thinking. Or who knows? But, in any case, I will not compromise my heart. Ever. And you know this.

I hope your summer is off to a good start. When are you heading out for France? Take lots of pictures--I wanna see!!! Please and Thank you!!!

Love always...

~ me

Chapter Front [242] ~ How Could It Come To This?

Song of the Moment|"Is It Like Today?" - World Party [2-M Session]

So today... the feast Sunday of Pentecost... well, I bade best wishes and a decent "I'll see you around" to... well... him. Yes, my beloved Choirmaster of five years. Onward now goes Peter for new adventures, and of course I can but simply encourage him on, even if it's from at a distance now. But, it's not like he's leaving out-of-state or anything. Still, I'll miss him immensely. I can't quite put into words how I'm feeling.

I guess the only proper word for that is, bittersweet.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good times. Silly conversations. And the times he's made me laugh 'til I couldn't make much sense. He's just that awesome of a person in my opinion. He's a good friend. He'll always be that wonderful to me.

*sigh* I hate good-bye's. I wish there wasn't a need for the word.

Bittersweet and thankful...

~ me

Chapter 241 ~ How'd You Get to Feel Happiness...

Song of the Moment|"Happiness" - Goldfrapp.

WARNING|STRONG LANGUAGE AND/OR BRUTAL HONESTY INVOLVED!

It's been three... no, four. Four weeks since Orin was here. I'm in my taking-names mode again. This heart is still recovering, trying to heal...
trying to function...
to think...
to feel...

As I listen to "Happiness", I had to look back on the more chaotic part of the past couple of weeks. Had it really been four weeks since I last saw him? Oh hell, it must've been. It almost feels like eternity; on the other hand, it feels like it was only maybe two weeks ago. The wounds are still fresh and, while I really seem to be doing well within the whim and company of coworkers and friends, I am still afraid to let any guy ever really get close to me again. The closest guy I have in my life now is my beloved Choirmaster, and he's leaving, so it hasn't really made matters that much better.

One can say that, I have truly hit a quarter-life crisis. At this point in time, I am thoroughly convinced that, I truly am not meant to be anyone's someone. This I am realising as the days pass by and the months slowly begin to dull out. I can't heal as fast as I expected myself to. I need more time. I need to make more time for myself. I need...

I need to stop kidding myself. I can't keep convincing myself that someone better will come along, because... because that would only be me kidding myself...

*sigh* I spent at least four hours trying to type this post. I think I'm done with it for the night.

Mending the shattered fragments...

~ me

Chapter 240 ~ Sometimes...

Song of the Night|"The Sound of Goodbye" - Perpetual Dreamer
[hence why the chapter title is "sometimes"--it's the first word to the chorus.]

If I may be so bold, and so honest... I'm too reluctant to say 'goodbye' to the one person that I truly, honestly, and simply love. While I'm well over the drama from Hikari, there is still one matter of interesting importance that I worry myself now over. And that is, well...

Choirmaster Peter is... well... leaving...

You see, he just got hired to teach full time at the University he's been teaching in as an adjunct. And, it's rough enough that he has to travel a lengthy distance between where he lives and where he works. And it's just as rough because he has a lengthy drive between where he lives, and our Church. He's been our Choirmaster for 11 years now. And now... well... I...

I don't know what words exist for the moment.

I mean, this is the one person in the entire world that, out of all the people I can say that I love, well... he's the only one I can honestly admit that, I am in love with. Without thinking twice or questioning anything. And yes, while there are only so many differences between us, and the whole whims of why we could never be [as a good friend in my Choir has told me, "Maybe next lifetime"], I can't help but love him. He is just a brilliant person, a sweet soul, and a damn good friend. He's inexplicably beautiful, intricately knowledgeable, and undoubtedly amazing. I can't find any better words than that.

Best put, he is the one man in the world who could weave in my memory a melody, and in my soul a harmony, within my heart a rising chorus, and unto my life a glorious opus.

My life wasn't the same since I'd met him... now, he's leaving and... well, words fail. I have already cried a few tears since he read the letter to the Choir, which he'd written to Father Don explaining the situation. And, I'll be honest--I am so immensely happy for him. I really am. The recession has helped him in the nicest way possible. And, on the other hand... my heart is broken.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good memories. Sweet memories. I can smile to myself, even in the midst of tears, because of those good memories. Because of the fact that, I have met and come to know the man I regard as my beloved Choirmaster. Those five years, knowing him, have been nothing short of wonderful.

*sigh* You know I've got it hurtin' when it takes for-freckin'-ever to type out a blogpost Chapter like this. Because, well, I try not to dwell on the bad so much as the good. And really, the good outweighs the bad.

But, I hate having to let him go, because I'm scared that I'll never see him again.

I guess we'll just have to see what this week brings...

~ me

Chapter 237 ~ Healing the Wounds

Song of the Night: "Ignorance" - Paramore.

So as of right now, I guess one can say that I'm still somewhat... numb. I mean, I have regained much of me, but there are still things that need to be sorted out. For one, Hideki -still- hasn't answered the "Why?" or "What happened?" of it all. And for all I know, at this point, I don't necessarily care anymore. Seriously. Because if he can't give me a reason then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm tipping my hat to my buddies Hikari [dude, I'm so staying over at some point in the summer, we'll stay up playin' RockBand all Saturday night just for kicks!], Siren [see ya tomorrow night, punk, and let me sleep alright?], Sanyun [let me know when you find Cupid--I wanna watch you beat his a$s up!!], Seiya [WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIGHTNING BOLT, DUDE!!!], Great-Auntie Cathie [I am definitely gonna have to use your advice], Chrissie and the gang at Quizno's [Chrissie, I sent the s.o.b. the 'gay question' text--Scotty, we *still* have to hang out--and Raven, yeah, we chicks f@#kin' rock], the majority of my coworkers [y'all know who you are, I don't have to say names], my fellow Frostwind typists [F-Unit, STAND UP!], the gang of Canterbury House [my newly-adopted Second Family... Mondays will never be the same again], my fellow Choristers [one more month, folks], and Choirmaster Peter [once again, your wisdom and good humor has won my nerve over AGAIN] for helping me get my chin up back off my chest. Hell, there's probably others involved in the chaos of my recovery process, but that's pretty much at the top of my head right now. I still have tears to cry, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck wondering all these questions but, for now, I have y'all to thank for helping me get back up off the ground. I appreciate you all, I love you all!

So right now, well, I'm just hanging in there, floating along. I still have some 20 or 30 pics from last Wednesday that I need to sort out and get into another photo album, and I have a new dress which is gonna be worn on Sunday [no Siren, I'm not modeling for you... keep dreaming]. Otherwise, well... yeah... I guess that's about... it...

You know, where the f@#k is Shiori? Maybe I should buy him a round of drinks next time I see him. Hmm. And this is coming from someone who DOESN'T drink!

*sigh* Really. Hideki broke my heart. And he'll be sorry for it. Give it time.

Fed up [for now]...

~ me.

Chapter 236 ~ ...what the f@#k?

Yes. That's the question of the day--besides, Why?

Now, never mind the tears that blur my sight as I try to type this and make any sort of sense. I mean... what is there left to say and feel when... okay. Wait. Let me start from the beginning...

Once upon a time...

--Monday, to be exact.

Hideki visited me... he went to visit me. Best two hours of the whole damn day. I mean, not that the rest of the day was hectic--but it was a good day. And his visit was the perfect ending to it. All was well... nothing was wrong.

So imagine the shock and sinking heart when I read the following text that he'd sent just minutes before my workday was over today...

"Hey stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

How, then... how am I supposed to feel when all of a sudden, this happens? And it's hard not to cry when, in the end, that's all I want to do. Cry. Because in the end, it never fails... I'm the one that ends up with the broken heart. And it only brings me to a realisation that, I am officially afraid to let any guy get close to me. Ever again. It hurts.

Worst of all is, he hasn't answered the "Why?" of it. So, I don't know what the hell is going on.

I let my guard down... I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him get close to me, I should've remembered why I couldn't let anyone get too close to me. But what did I do? Stupid as it may seem, I did it anyway--and now... now what? Perhaps, I should've just realised this and yet, no... I was blind and stupid. I loved blindly. And now... well...

look at the mess I'm in now.

All of a sudden, this awesome week I'd been having... misadventures at a Minor Basilica and a Cemetery... a new outfit... that epic 11-hour workday yesterday [which I survived and ended up feeling like SuperPunk]... the leak in the bathroom ceiling being fixed in 12 hours [between last night and today]...

none of that matters anymore, once the heart is suddenly smashed.

And what really stinks is that, I had *just* gotten over this stupid illness. I swear, if it's not one thing going wrong it's something else altogether. But, I guess, that's how life is, sadly. There's no escape from that, is there?

Is this what-all I end up amounting to--a broken heart? A love's failure? Is that what I will have to see myself as? Because, if this is all I've become then, I'll be damned if I ever, ever let a man get close to me again.

*sigh* Give me time. I'll recover. And at the same time, I wonder if I will ever really recover from this...

Brokenhearted...

~ me