Chapter 237 ~ Healing the Wounds

Song of the Night: "Ignorance" - Paramore.

So as of right now, I guess one can say that I'm still somewhat... numb. I mean, I have regained much of me, but there are still things that need to be sorted out. For one, Hideki -still- hasn't answered the "Why?" or "What happened?" of it all. And for all I know, at this point, I don't necessarily care anymore. Seriously. Because if he can't give me a reason then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm tipping my hat to my buddies Hikari [dude, I'm so staying over at some point in the summer, we'll stay up playin' RockBand all Saturday night just for kicks!], Siren [see ya tomorrow night, punk, and let me sleep alright?], Sanyun [let me know when you find Cupid--I wanna watch you beat his a$s up!!], Seiya [WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIGHTNING BOLT, DUDE!!!], Great-Auntie Cathie [I am definitely gonna have to use your advice], Chrissie and the gang at Quizno's [Chrissie, I sent the s.o.b. the 'gay question' text--Scotty, we *still* have to hang out--and Raven, yeah, we chicks f@#kin' rock], the majority of my coworkers [y'all know who you are, I don't have to say names], my fellow Frostwind typists [F-Unit, STAND UP!], the gang of Canterbury House [my newly-adopted Second Family... Mondays will never be the same again], my fellow Choristers [one more month, folks], and Choirmaster Peter [once again, your wisdom and good humor has won my nerve over AGAIN] for helping me get my chin up back off my chest. Hell, there's probably others involved in the chaos of my recovery process, but that's pretty much at the top of my head right now. I still have tears to cry, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck wondering all these questions but, for now, I have y'all to thank for helping me get back up off the ground. I appreciate you all, I love you all!

So right now, well, I'm just hanging in there, floating along. I still have some 20 or 30 pics from last Wednesday that I need to sort out and get into another photo album, and I have a new dress which is gonna be worn on Sunday [no Siren, I'm not modeling for you... keep dreaming]. Otherwise, well... yeah... I guess that's about... it...

You know, where the f@#k is Shiori? Maybe I should buy him a round of drinks next time I see him. Hmm. And this is coming from someone who DOESN'T drink!

*sigh* Really. Hideki broke my heart. And he'll be sorry for it. Give it time.

Fed up [for now]...

~ me.

Chapter 236 ~ ...what the f@#k?

Yes. That's the question of the day--besides, Why?

Now, never mind the tears that blur my sight as I try to type this and make any sort of sense. I mean... what is there left to say and feel when... okay. Wait. Let me start from the beginning...

Once upon a time...

--Monday, to be exact.

Hideki visited me... he went to visit me. Best two hours of the whole damn day. I mean, not that the rest of the day was hectic--but it was a good day. And his visit was the perfect ending to it. All was well... nothing was wrong.

So imagine the shock and sinking heart when I read the following text that he'd sent just minutes before my workday was over today...

"Hey stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

How, then... how am I supposed to feel when all of a sudden, this happens? And it's hard not to cry when, in the end, that's all I want to do. Cry. Because in the end, it never fails... I'm the one that ends up with the broken heart. And it only brings me to a realisation that, I am officially afraid to let any guy get close to me. Ever again. It hurts.

Worst of all is, he hasn't answered the "Why?" of it. So, I don't know what the hell is going on.

I let my guard down... I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him get close to me, I should've remembered why I couldn't let anyone get too close to me. But what did I do? Stupid as it may seem, I did it anyway--and now... now what? Perhaps, I should've just realised this and yet, no... I was blind and stupid. I loved blindly. And now... well...

look at the mess I'm in now.

All of a sudden, this awesome week I'd been having... misadventures at a Minor Basilica and a Cemetery... a new outfit... that epic 11-hour workday yesterday [which I survived and ended up feeling like SuperPunk]... the leak in the bathroom ceiling being fixed in 12 hours [between last night and today]...

none of that matters anymore, once the heart is suddenly smashed.

And what really stinks is that, I had *just* gotten over this stupid illness. I swear, if it's not one thing going wrong it's something else altogether. But, I guess, that's how life is, sadly. There's no escape from that, is there?

Is this what-all I end up amounting to--a broken heart? A love's failure? Is that what I will have to see myself as? Because, if this is all I've become then, I'll be damned if I ever, ever let a man get close to me again.

*sigh* Give me time. I'll recover. And at the same time, I wonder if I will ever really recover from this...

Brokenhearted...

~ me

Chapter 235 ~ Lying Awake

Why the title be such? Because that's my song of the day: "Lying Awake" by Our Lady Peace.

In the meantime, not very much to update on. I wasn't feeling quite so wonderful at work yesterday, as I went from not-so-great to not-great-at-all almost overnight. Today, well, I feel a bit better; I am not 100% but, at least, I can function a bit more. [In fact, I'm working on a second Mind-Expansion mix for my Choirmaster as we speak--or, at least, hunting down the tune'age anyway.]

Sooo, I guess that's it, for now. Day off. I haven't eaten yet. And, I'm not sure if I really want to go to discipleship class tonight... not while I'm not entirely, you know, *here.*

*sigh* I guess that's what happens when you're sick.

~ me

Chapter 234 ~ Half a Year Older... but, Wiser?

I look back on the past six months of being 26 and, well... singlehood, heartache, and death are the main topics. Well, besides the epic work stress but, that's aside from all that mess and nonsuch. Still... it's been an interesting six months and, I have come to a realisation of a few things.

One, first and foremost, Cupid is a @#$%^& jerk. Plain and simple. I feel much like his whipping girl still, even as, while I'm sorta being patient for Shiori-chan, two former lovers wish to win my heart again. And, sadly, this goes on against my whim. I mean, it's great to hang out with them again but, I have realised also that, my heart does not quell among them. It doesn't scream at all for them. And I know my heart all too well to know better than to deceive myself at the heart. I can't simply find myself in the manners and throes of lust anymore--if my heart's not in it, trust me. It won't be there.

Second, Death is, perhaps, my greatest fear... second only to solitude. I am afraid of two things--dying, and dying alone. It scares the hell out of me, the more I hear about someone dying or having passed on. It scares me even more when it happens to someone I know and hold dear to me. The stress and worrying is ridiculous, I swear. But when the sympathy pains hit me, I can't control it--I can't stop it. I don't want God to take it away--only that I can bear it. But when it hits me, and with such a force that stops me... I... I can't help but f@#king panic. It can hit me enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Death is my greatest fear, second to living the rest of my life alone and unloved.

Third, being single is NOT the end of the world. Seriously. And this is coming from someone who's been single for about 7 months or so now. Now, it's interesting, this whole actual singlehood thing. For one, I have a field to play [somewhat], I can flirt with whoever, whenever. And it's fairly mild anyhow, but I keep it fair and friendly. I am NOT an expert flirt. [And if it helps, I get shy and gigglehappy around handsome fellows.] So, yeah. I think I will enjoy my singlehood as much as I can, until I finally do end up [maybe... hopefully] in the arms and heart of some worthy fellow. Maybe Shiori.

In other interesting news... well... I have realised that, while it isn't an entirely heavy-duty love, I can 'fess up that, I am as close to in love with anyone as it's going to get. And... well, you can all guess who it is with. But, if anything, I'll gladly 'fess up that, it's more like an admiration. A sense of quaint'ness and winsome eminates from him. He is the personification of Sweetness and Awesomeness. And who am I but some lowly punk girl, to fall stupendously for my Choirmaster? But... how could I not? And yet, how on earth did I? It was, to say the least, quite unexpected. It's still unexpected. I still don't know how it happened. And, I don't know--maybe this wasn't supposed to happen? I am not sure. But, I do know that, I have come to terms with my feelings for him: it's love--but not romantic love whatsoever. More like an innocent, silly little "I *heart* him like I *heart* my best buddies 4'ever!!" kind of love. A love that comes out of a proper, sweeter, nobler friendship. I don't want my feelings to ever change the friendship that we have, that I cherish immensely. It's been a whimsical five years singing in his Choir, and I can say that, I am blessed to have Peter both as my Choirmaster and as my friend.

Of course... whenever he looks at me and smiles, I end up not knowing how to act. And that's also made for some rather humorous moments, as a matter of fact! Sooo, YEAH! if you ever want to see me stutter and act almost completely stupid, just have him smile at me like it's nothing. And watch me say "Uhm...!?" more times than I can actually figure out... *LOL!!*

Well, I guess that's all for now... I mean, I can slowly feel my nose getting stuffy now. I suppose this means that, I am *finally* coming down with something...? I sure hope not. This means, it's time to get my butt to bed!! [And trust me, Peter would probably be picking on me, big time, had he read this and found out that, somehow, my immune system is getting around to telling me something important!!]

Daydreaming of two fellow gentlemen [hey, it ain't wrong!]...

~ me

Chapter 233 ~ Love... and Lack Thereof

Sooo, yes. I have had a minor amount of twists and turns as far as this thing called Love is concerned. And, well... I have found myself thinking things over. For one, part of me is thinking, Maybe God *doesn't* want me to be with anyone. Like he would prefer my life being single. At the same time, having reconnected with Shiori [yes, friend of mine from a few years back... remember him?

*plucked from chapter 41--damn, that's an old pic! lol!*

yep, his codename is shiori now. so, sha'up!] last Saturday night, yeah. It's about time I got around to catching up with him more. He has my number. He and I want to hang out. And, well, yeah... I guess I'm just waiting on that call now. But at the same time I don't want to seem desperate... but, getting back to what I was saying! Part of me's all, God would probably prefer me to not worry myself over being with someone. And at the same time, reconnecting with Shiori makes me think, Y'know, God doesn't want me to give up. Just to stop worrying about it. So, I am not sure.

I am, however, sure on this--Hideki-chan... well, I think it's almost entirly safe to say that, I think I am done with him. Yes, he hasn't called me back, or texted me, or whatever. Perhaps I am nothing more than an afterthought in his mind? I am not sure. I will, however, vent in stating the fact that, it's almost way too f@#ked up that, he and his roommates plot up movie nights just about every single Friday night--and yet Hideki couldn't even bother so much as to make plans with me. So, hey! it's his loss now. If he wants to get a hold of me, he has my number; otherwise, I'm pretty much done with him for a while. Because, you know what... it's not fair. It's just NOT fair. And it only goes to show that, perhaps, I *do* deserve someone better, one that *can* and *will* put in an effort to make time.

Don't worry though--as soon as Mommy gets the laptop hard drive and gets it sent over here, then... yeah. My social life's gonna be back in the shelf, and it'll be back to spending time on the laptop and getting creative and stuff. I miss doing all of that. And, at least, that way I won't have to worry myself over boredom. For all I know, I could just spend my eventides at home and not worry over what-all I'm doing with friends. And if someone bails on me at the last minute, I can just stay home and chat with everyone else. That person's loss, everyone else's gain!

You know that old saying. Revenge is a bitch.

Meanwhile... I am still recovering from work last week, and the past couple of days. It almost feels like, I get into one minor scrape, recover from that, only to get smacked with something else. It never f@#king ends. And, sadly, I really don't know what else to do about it--aside from keeping my faith firm in God and leaning on him when I can't find the strength to do otherwise. Not that I don't lean on God--I do, but sometimes it feels like he's not there. But I know he is--he's just testing me. Sadly though, I will confess that, in all my imperfections, I have failed a good handful of his tests. He does forgive me though, but I just wish I wasn't such an imperfect brat. On the otherhand, I don't wish to be entirely perfect--perfectionism isn't my best strength. And the last time I really hated myself for my imperfectionism, I almost killed myself, and that was six years ago!

Aside from that, March is over, and my heart grieves over all the failures and imperfections of that month. I will get over it, and move on. I have better things to do than waste my precious time over people that just won't bother with me.

In the immortal words of the Sundays' "Love", "Just love yourself like no one else..."

~ me