Personal note to all Underground readers:
To be honest, it's been a helluva week and, in general, past 8 months. I have a lot on my mind, kind-of in tears at the moment as I'm picking myself up again. However, I will make this clear:
If I upset, offend or otherwise disturb any of y'all with what I'm about to say, I apologize in advance. I just have so much to get off my chest and, at the moment, it's best I get it out in the open like this.
It's just a very difficult time in my life right now, and while I doubt anyone I know really reads this blog, it's better to get it out of my system here. Hopefully if anyone I know reads this they'll understand what's been disturbing me for the better part of the last 8 months.
Again, I apologize if this offends anyone, and I hope you all understand where I'm coming from.
Thank you.
Song of the day:
I swear to God, I really am in the middle of my quarter-life crisis.
Everything's been nothing short of insane for not just the week, but the near-entire 8 months since I turned 24. In another 4 months and 5 days I'll be reaching my Quarter-centennial, and to be honest, I'm scared as hell about it. There's a part of me that's been reeling in circles like a hamster in its spinning wheel going God-only-knows-how-many Miles Per Hour, simply trying to live life to the best of it. There's another part of me that's scared for the moment I face death suddenly and unprepared [GOD FORBID!!]. And then there's that part of me that's returned to the corner of my misery.
How the hell did I land back in the depression I swore not to fall into again?
I struggle to keep myself going, to hang on in there. Being with my Choir, being with my coworkers, and my best friends--they've all kept me in check, they'd been there for me through the thick and thin of it. And even during my times of being alone in my solitude I'd kept myself busy--Cemetery Excursions, anyone? Except, after a while, being by myself gets old, so fast. Mainly because I've spent so much time alone, but it's hard to be with people sometimes as well because, I spend so much of every week dealing with people--and *NEWS FLASH* that's just at work!!
It's been right around a year since I started going out with my NOW-ex Mike [he broke up with me last August, remember?]. It's been a rough year since--I'm going out with Siren now, and as most of the world who's read things here know my last ex Hikari broke up with me six months after Mike did [that was this past February, right?].
--quick skip down memory lane--
Monday 25 February 2008 - Chapter 98: So Much For My Happy Ending
Monday 27 August 2007, six months exact - Chapter 51 and Chapter 51b: So I Was Wrong All Along
And I've got my main fears over my relationship with Siren as well. And I swear, I shouldn't be. I love him--I ACTUALLY LOVE HIM MORE THAN I CAN PUT INTO WORDS!!--and I know damn well that he loves me. So why? Why am I so damn afraid?
Because of the fear that, my heart's going to be broken in the end. Again and again and again.
I've hated myself time and again for wasting emotions on someone but, I learn from my past failures in my war versus Cupid. At the same time I think, How on earth am I still here? What am I that men should even look in my direction? I'm just some panic-happy, hyper yet emo, somewhat-complicated young woman in her mid-20's. What have I to offer? And I shouldn't think myself this low. I really, REALLY shouldn't. Because I'm a beautiful punk girl with blue hair that's just been struggling to live to the best that I can.
I hope to God above that, in the midst of all this, Siren and I can see past whatever difficulty crosses our paths. Which, at the moment, is distance. He's in Iowa for his internship. And it's been a rough first week so far. I know in my nerves he's been so stressed, and I don't really know what I can do to help him. All I can do, for now, is pray for him from a distance and hold on to memories. But it's so hard to keep a chin up when it's sunken to the chest, wondering if all is well while so far apart.
Work's been chaotic as well. We're down to four Managers now. And this upcoming Thursday we have a big inspection. I shouldn't be nervous except, as I'm the only Crew Trainer in the store now and the remaining five Brown-Shirts are Manager Trainees [three of 'em are up for their Food Safety examinations in a couple of weeks], and this being my first Inspection as a Brown-Shirt, it's hard not to get worried because, we Brown-Shirts have a huge responsibility to our Higher-Ups. So the most I can do is, well, to do my best to make sure procedures are followed to the best of it. But also, apparently, from what our Store Manager said, we have a new group of Store Owners, new Supervisors.
Alright, can I just say, I'm so nervous it's a bit stupid! now?
So needless to say, it's going to be a very long workweek next week. Right after a funeral tomorrow as well--second funeral in two months. It only brings back the fear of death.
I confess--I'm afraid to die.
I don't do funerals too well. At all. They serve as a constant reminder that life's too short, that death's omnipresent no matter what-all else goes on. I know within my heart and entire being that, I'll be at peace with God when I die. But the sheer thought of it... the possibility that I'll soon end up dead so unexpectedly...
we're not guaranteed tomorrow. And it scares me so much.
I've lost a few good people dear to me--my Great-Grandparents, the first Priest to be my best friend, a former enemy who became one of the dearest friends 'til his death, and even a cancer survivor that lost her second battle--and known people who've lost those dear to them. I'm constantly scared that someone I know and love is going to die and I not even having a chance to tell that person, I love you, I appreciate all you've done for me in my life, I thank you, and I mean that. I don't ever want to have to live with that kind of regret, even though there will always be at least one person I'll fail to tell this to, and then like a leaf that falls onto a puddle of water... they're gone.
Life can't be wasted. Not while, in the midst of all this chaos, I have so much going on in my life. But it's hard to keep my eyes straight ahead towards my next challenge head-on when my vision's blurred with tears. And that's fine--I need to cry. I haven't had a good cry in a while. And I can only fight back tears of frustration, of misunderstanding, of fear, of hopelessness and despair, of longing, of wasted patience, for so long. I can't keep all this inside of me, or else [again, God forbid!] I'll end up self-destructing in some sort of manner.
And I think this is why I'm doing this now--I only have so far in my life to go, I can't stop now. Not here.
Not while I have a family who loves me no matter what.
Not while I have a good circle of friends who have my back.
Not while I have a boyfriend that though at the moment he can't always be there for me [and that's understandable, really], he loves me as much as I love him.
Not while I have a strong support group of coworkers who lift me up when I fall.
Not while I have so much going on in my life.
Not while I have just begun to LIVE my life.
It's hard not to worry when there's a hole in the ceiling. It's hard when my main chain of friends is about to break for the summer. It's hard when at times I think God's not with me, though I know He'll never forsake me.
Yes, I know I shouldn't be falling apart altogether--and I can't. And I won't. But I can't keep all this anger, all the tears, all this pain and hurt inside of me.
I have more tears to cry but, at the very least, I feel a lot better because, now it's out of my system, and into the hands of God. And I can start to let go.
My first official order of business, now that this is off of my chest, and after all my tears have been cried:
To find the people that I love and let them know how much I love them...
~ me.
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