Chapter 55: Oh my oh me oh my...! [Catching up on Chapter 52...]

You want to see something quite amusing?

Back in Chapter 52 I noted...

One way I dealt with it last night: dyed my hair black.

...yes, black. Picture this week to follow, I promise.

Well... *grin*



[told you i dyed it black! friday 31 august 2007.]

By the way, no, I didn't cut it. My layered hair, or most of it anyway, is tied up in a bun.

And, just so I get a moment of pure happy 'I'm still standing' feel to it, here's a nice little note for Mike--

Rest assured, darlin', YOU'LL NEVER SEE THIS HAIR BLUE AGAIN!!

If this ain't any strangely punktastic way of getting over a break-up [or at least a stepping stone to it] then I don't know what is!

In the meantime, that cute guy that works in the new bistro in Downtown DeLand? Yeah, his name's Rex. Not sure if he's single but, he sure is cute!! *blush*

...no, he's a hopeless crush, so don't y'all get your hopes up!!

Meanwhile, upcoming events for much of the first half of September 2007 [at least, that I know of]...

--Saturday 1 September - The first day of September. Also, family visiting from Indiana.
--Sunday 2 September - Grandma Sharon's surprise party immediately after work!! Dear God please help me...
--Monday 3 September - Labor Day. Ironically, I'll be at work that day.
--Wednesday 5 September - Saint B's Choir returns! First rehearsal!
--Friday 7 September - Definitely a depressing day. I don't care if it's Mike's birthday--he's leaving for Scotland. Meh..
--Saturday 8 September - Biggest Inspection of the year at my job. Yep, it's F.O.R./S.O.R. [Field/Station (or Store?) Operations Review] time again.
--Sunday 9 September - Choir's back, raising the roof at Saint B's!

So there you have it. Busy-busy galore for most of the first 9 days. Be glad if I don't pass the hello out midweek!!

And finally, it rained this morning, rainfall ended before the sun could even come up. Now just how screwed up is that!?



On that note, I gotta go. Got lots to do before service at Temple.

Until the next round, Cheers!!

~ 'Sunshine'

P.S. I can't really accept that it's over. I must be that pathetic.

Here's a song in the meantime--

mog.com

More about this song

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Chapter 54: Yes, I do have phobias. [Wait, yes, I'm scared!]

Only because I'm bored to death, and because I'm virtually an insomniac at the moment, here's a list of phobias [I swear, I gotta post that link up to the list sooner or later] that I actually have. Funny but true...


The [Alphabetized] Phobias of the Principessa of Excelsios...

Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Algophobia- Fear of pain.
Altophobia- Fear of heights.
Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Ceraunophobia, Keraunophobia)
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.

Ballistophobia- Fear of missiles or bullets.
Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.

Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.
Ceraunophobia or Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)
Cnidophobia- Fear of stings.
Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.

Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.

Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.

Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges.

Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.
Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.

Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
Insectophobia - Fear of insects.

Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Keraunophobia or Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)

Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.

Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.
Melissophobia- Fear of bees.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.

Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.
Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.

Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)
Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)

Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th.
Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.
Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.
Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.

Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.
Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.

Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.
Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.


...does that make me look pathetic? :-)

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 53: On a much lighter note... [The Top 50 songs of this summer!]

Alright folks, this is what the Underground's been waiting for all summer! With the end of summer swiftly approaching, it's time for the Top 50 songs of My Own Summer 2007. It's been a fairly crazy one, with a surprising twist-around of tunage from June to August. In the end, surprisingly, it was a good run.

The Top 50 Songs of the Excelsios Trans-Underground Express,
My Own Summer June-August 2007

1] Heather Parisi - 'Disco Bambina'
2] Kraftwerk - 'Trans-Europe Express'
3] Kraftwerk - 'Metal on Metal'
4] The Pet Shop Boys - 'Where the Streets Have No Name [I Can't Take My Eyes Off of You]' [12" extended mix]
5] The Durutti Column - 'Sketch for Summer'
6] Sixpence None the Richer - 'Don't Dream It's Over'
7] Haddaway - 'What Is Love'
8] David Bowie - 'Space Oddity'
9] Daft Punk - 'Da Funk'
10] The Sundays - 'Wild Horses'
11] Radiohead - 'Fake Plastic Trees'
12] Donna Lewis - 'I Love You Always Forever'
13] Polaris - 'Hey Sandy'
14] The Postal Service - 'The District Sleeps Alone Tonight'
15] Death Cab for Cutie - 'I Will Follow You Into the Dark'
16] Pete Yorn - 'Murray'
17] Blessid Union of Souls - 'I Believe'
18] Brandy featuring Wanya Morris of Boyz II Men - 'Brokenhearted'
19] Al Green - 'I'm Still In Love With You'
20] Al Green - 'Call Me [Come Back Home]'
21] Crystal Waters - 'Gypsy Woman [La da dee da da da]'
22] Talking Heads - 'Once in a Lifetime'
23] New Order - 'Mr. Disco'
24] Coldplay - 'Don't Panic'
25] Radiohead - 'Street Spirit [Fade Out]'
26] Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories - 'Stay [I Missed You]'
27] Kraftwerk - 'Metropolis'
28] Chantal Kreviazuk - 'Turn the Page'
29] Sarah McLachlan - 'I Love You'
30] Incubus - 'I Miss You' [acoustic version]
31] Bread - 'It Don't Matter to Me'
32] The Cocteau Twins - 'Ice-Pulse'
33] The Rolling Stones - 'Wild Horses'
34] My Chemical Romance - 'The Ghost of You'
35] The Smiths - 'Rubber Ring'
36] Killing Joke - 'Adorations'
37] New Order - 'Vanishing Point'
38] Beth Orton - 'Pass in Time'
39] Dir en Grey - 'Merciless Cult'
40] The Verve - 'On Your Own'
41] New Order - 'Mesh'
42] Joy Division - 'Twenty Four Hours'
43] Stockholm Monsters - 'Winter'
44] Joy Division - 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'
45] They Might Be Giants - 'Snowball in Hell'
46] James Taylor - 'Fire and Rain'
47] Snow Patrol - 'Chasing Cars'
48] Jimmy Eat World - 'Your House'
49] Bruce Springsteen - 'I'm on Fire'
50] Tomihira - 'Mr. Disco'

*whew!!* Never thought getting the full top 50 would be easy. Anywho, there you guys have it!!

Until the next round...

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 52: A lot of issues, a bit of changes, a dose of hope. [The past 48 hours... and then some.]

*A nice little sidenote*

If you're new to the Excelsios Underground, and you're one of my friends and you haven't had much of a clue as to what I've been up to, here's what's gone on up to now--

June '07 - Summer began. Got a boyfriend. Started hunting New Order albums. Ran into an ex during a first date. Same ex wanted a second chance [stupid of me not to have mention that...?]. Dyed my hair red.

July '07 - Boyfriend leaves for hometown. Started junior management training... somewhat. Dyed hair blue. Had mock-inspection at work. Completed New Order album collection.

August '07 - Officially got started on training. School started again. Started obsession over Kraftwerk [yes, I do plan to collect as much of their albums as possible. just. watch. me!]. Store managers of my store and Brandywine switched. Boyfriend broke up with me.

...and here's where we're at right now:

These past 48 hours have been a headache and a half. No joke.

For one, Monday I was off. Found out about the break-up. And of course I was gonna be an emo-wreck for it. I'm a girl. I'm not as tough, or as strong, or as hopeful even, as I used to be. Unfortunately, that's just the humble, honest truth. There's no way around it. And that's something that I have to deal with.

One way I dealt with it last night: dyed my hair black.

...yes, black. Picture this week to follow, I promise.

In the meantime, work = hell! Prices flipped around for the breakfast menu a bit, and a good chunk of the breakfast customers pretty much damn near killed me over... what? A bunch of NUMBERS AND CENTS AND STUFF!? Come. On. People. Just get over it already. Yes, we've changed stuff a bit. Now move on... and while you're at it, stop bitching at me about it already!! Oi...

*whew* Now, that done, next topic of conversation, and the heart of the matter--

I'm looking back on being single, which is something that I'm just used to. It's nothing new. It sucks, but it's nothing new. Just as one becomes a new ex, another ex [see the update at top of post] wants to be with me again. But... somehow... inbetween hurting from the break-up, stupid hopeless crushes on 3 guys, and the ex wanting to be more than just friends again... I...

I just can't do it anymore.

That's right--with all the chaos that 23 [almost 24 to be exact] years has shown me, I know I'm still young but... well, I'm just not as naive as I used to.

Hell, I'm still wishing Mike didn't break up with me. It's pathetic of me, to be honest, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. Part of me still loves him. But another part of me wishes to just put the heart away on the highest shelf of my quiet life--this time for good.

Drastic? Probably. And if still hurting over Mike makes me a fool, then I've been a damn-good fool for lesser things.

But yes, I think... I think that it's time I put away my heart, my hope for love, and my foolish pride. Cupid's dealt with me well. In rebellion, I dyed my hair black. Because, to be honest... so much of my usual cheer has died that, I've had no reason to keep my hair blue anymore. I just couldn't do it. I lost the will to do it.

These past 48 hours have given me time to think through a lot of things that've been happening to me. I've had three hopeless crushes--neither of them know about it. [By the way, a hopeless crush is when I have a crush on someone with absolutely no hopes of either of them having any mutual feelings for me.] Yet, I'm still numb inside from the break-up and yet still holding onto feelings for Mike, which I shouldn't be doing, really. And my ex wants to be with me again but, given the circumstances, and all that I've been through...

I can't. I just can't do it.

So, for now [maybe, if I'm lucky, permanently], my heart is shattered, wrapped up in a pretty blue and silver wrapping, tied with a silver ribbon, and placed up on the highest shelf of my quiet life. Where it belongs. Because, with everything I've been through in near-24 years, I can't risk my heart being shattered anymore.

In the end, I'd rather be alone than be heartbroken.

Until the next round, enjoy the music.

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 51b: So I was wrong... all along then? [More semi-legible thoughts on the matter.]

Damnit, somehow I knew, in the worst of my gut, that I was right. And it hurts. It really hurts right now.

When I look back on all we've been through... it's strange, isn't it? And yet, things were alright. But... was I blind and foolish to think that, of all things, this would go on alright, somehow?

Was I, am I really this pathetic, this much of a dreamer? If so, I may damn well put myself as permanently single.

I mean, I never thought things were going to crash and burn they way they did but... alas, I am back on the singlehood butcher block of death. It is NOT the best place to be, to be honest with you guys here.

So I'm quietly preparing my black longsleeves for the week because, let's face it. This week's going to be just downright miserable. I can't really find anything positive to talk about. Not even my new friend the guy at the new caffe in Downtown DeLand's worth talking about, even though he's a good person to talk to, and a punk [just like me]. Nothing cheerful, nothing happy, to talk about because, let's face it--the 'solar eclipse' that I'm going through just got worse.

Perhaps... that's why it rained last night on me a little... when I was heading home from the Underground? Because it really was over, and I never really noticed it 'til now?

I'm quietly, emotionally, somehow drowning in this. All the memories, the words that were spoken, laughter and tears, all the time that was spent... and for what?

Indeed, were all in vain?

To be honest, it's impossible right now to count the tears that I've been fighting back. And there's nothing that could really be done to fix it. We've had our time together, all was fine, and then he went away, and I thought things would be well.

Dear God, I was wrong. Horribly wrong.

There's always hope though...

Maybe, maybe we'll be together again; come January he'll be back. Things will be fine. All will be well. And we'll be together again. Just maybe, something will happen over time, and things will be well resolved. And maybe we'll get back together. There's still hope... right?







...fucking hell, who am I kidding? I'm still in love but, it's all over, and there's nothing I can do to change that.

And that's the worst part of it all. That I can't do a thing about it.

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 51: ...it's not gonna jump out at me, is it? [I can't be that anxious over a new e-mail from the BF, am I!?]

[4:00 P.M. - Sixpence None the Richer - "Don't Dream It's Over"]

...okay, so I have a new message from the boyfriend in the inbox. I'm actually a bit more than nervous just to OPEN it! I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right? But then again, considering that things haven't been goin' on so well lately... well... yeah.

[4:02 P.M. - Al Green - "I'm Still In Love With You"]

So, this thing's not gonna jump out and attack me, right?

[Honestly, this is kinda stupid, me being nervous over this. I should be overly thrilled that I've heard from the boyfriend!! Maybe he's just typing to say hey and how things have been and that all's well and all that other... good... stuff.

Yeah, and maybe I'll keep getting Mondays off. Dream on, Sunny.]

I mean, what's the worst that could happen for me in an e-mail? And considering that it came apparently last night [and I say this because I got out of the Underground at 7:30 last night!], maybe he just wanted to say hello. Or that maybe...

MAYBE HE'S COMING OVER TO DELAND BEFORE NEXT FRIDAY!! *eee-ish giggle*

...oi. *sigh* I've checked all other e-mail, and his is the last to go. I am really, really nervous. So...

[4:05 P.M. - Lisa Loeb - "Truthfully"]

...here goes... *checking the e-mail now*







...my world just grew a lot darker now.

In short, yes, I just finished reading said e-mail.

And, for a lack of better words, it's over.



...damn...

~ jenn.

Chapter 50: This machine will not communicate. [More thoughts, more pictures, more music.]

[At the starting of this, at the time, the song playing: 'Street Spirit (Fade Out)' by Radiohead.]

As I said in Chapter 48, I was gonna post some pictures from Friday night's service.

So... this is the adorable 7-year-old who's crushing on me, I think. His name is Ben.



[aww...! friday 24 august 2007.]

Ain't he just the cutest little darling? Told you he was adorable.

He was the little boy who sat with me throughout the entire service Friday night. Why? Mostly because he wanted to, so his parents let him sit with me. He behaved very well for the most part. Biggest thrill of the night was when he and his dad were called up to the Torah.



[his dad with the big Torah, and ben with the little Torah. big fun thrill of the night. friday 24 august 2007.]

After the opening Torah prayers, it was time for the usual procession around the Temple with the Torah. In this case, both Torahs had a run-around. Ben went around with the little Torah first, followed by his dad with the big Torah. Everyone at the Temple had a wonderful thrill watching both father and son with both Torahs. I know I had a good time watching and singing along.



[ben and the little Torah, during the Torah Procession. his dad followed with the big Torah. friday 24 august 2007.]

After the Torah reading, Ben sat down next to me for the rest of the service. I told him I was very proud of him. He was just giggly, shy, bashful, and grinned at me. Just... waaawww...

In other news, my kindhearted Episcopal church family is thinking the boyfriend's only been distracted because he's psyched for heading for Scotland soon. I'm not sure if I noted it here but, I'm excited for him also. Just that... my heart's slowly breaking... nothing changes.

I'm happy for him, I just don't really know anymore where I stand. Maybe, hopefully, things will be better, things will be normal again, when he gets back in January.

Friends are a true blessing, because they help put things better into perspective. Thank. God. For. That.

And now, the very first official StarMix in the My Own Autumn 2007 musical collection. Because of everything that's gone on, this one deserves the apt title of the 'Brokenhearted' StarMix.

Sarah McLachlan - "Full of Grace" ~ This song fits perfectly for the soon-to-be-here cold weather, the season of winter, and a broken heart.
Aqualung - "Another Little Hole" ~ I can't really describe this song. It does, however, bring up the emotional state I'm in.
Beth Orton - "Pass in Time" ~ Possibly one of the most bittersweet songs ever. Sort of what I need right now. And that's why it's here.
The Verve - "On Your Own" ~ Because sometimes these guys are right. I don't care if they're absolute crap, that's your opinion. This song says quite a bit for me. End of that part of the discussion.
My Chemical Romance - "The Ghost of You" ~ My only fave MCR album was 'Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge', and this was one of my fave tracks on there. Nice little case of the sad song creeps.
New Order - "Mr. Disco" ~ Because sometimes a dancable track from 1989's masterpiece 'Technique' can say sooo much...
The Cocteau Twins - "Ice-Pulse" ~ With lyrics like 'I could have done something differently' and 'You can't heal what you can't feel', I'm sure someone could feel that ice chill down their spine, straight for the heart. Oi!
Mazzy Star - "Fade Into You" ~ Something about this song, it just sounds... I don't know... glum...
Tomihira - "Mr. Disco" ~ Yes, this is a cover of 'Mr. Disco' originally done by New Order. Tomihira has done this band and cover good justice. Just as bittersweet as the original.
Radiohead - "Fake Plastic Trees" ~ The other sad song from the band's amazing album 'The Bends'. This song has the line at the end 'If I could be/who you wanted/all the time... all the time...'
Al Green - "Call Me (Come Back Home)" ~ If I were to post a song that would speak much to Mike, this song would probably it... among many others. Al Green knew what he was sayin'. Oi!
Susanna and the Magical Orchestra - "Love Will Tear Us Apart" ~ Yes, that interesting cover of the legendary Joy Division classic. But with the lyrics, and the way it's been done, you can't really go wrong with this cover for this StarMix, right?
Incubus - "I Miss You" (acoustic version) ~ I posted this song last night but thought it deserved a repost because, this song deserved to be on the mix. Especially since this one's going to the boyfriend.

You can download this Mix one by one, pluck out your favorites, or [if like me at times you lack patience] download the zip file.

Brokenhearted 2007 - The ZIP file

To be honest, I think I've said all I needed to say today. I'm sure I'll think of another mix though, because, knowing me, I'd probably not be done saying what I think should be said. Time to go over to my MOG and post up some more music.

P.S. Those of you Excelsians on MOG, yes, I'm on there too. Hee!

Until the next round...

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 49: Somehow, I just have this strange hope. [Yes, I am recovering well...]

[For the latest musical noise that I'm listening to, check out the 'What I've been listening to lately...' section of the blog, just added today.]

You know, my coworker Lana has a point about something.

Perhaps, the boyfriend just assumes that I already know, and thus he need not tell me that 5-letter word as often as we used to say. Among other odd theories she has, I guess that she's been the only person I can actually, humbly talk to, and she'll try to cheer me up with some sweet, hopeful answer. I mean, if it wasn't for Lana [who's also in Junior Management training, as well as planning to dye her hair purple!!] I would've probably sunk deeper into the abyss of my emotional 'solar eclipse' from God-knows-where.

The summer cold is 98% gone [thank. God. for. that.], but I'm still taking the meds for good measure. Because, yes, I'm strange like that. What else is new?

I don't know... I guess the only main worry is to brace myself for the weeks ahead. Confused? Here's the timeline of upcoming events--

Monday 27 August - Work, most likely.
Friday 31 August - Last day of August, which means it's EoM [End of the Month] time. Joel'll be in the system for most of the day. And since it's a Friday, chaos is bound to happen.
Saturday 1 September - The first day of September.
Monday 3 September - Labor Day. Ironically, I'll be at work that day.
Wednesday 5 September - Saint B's Choir returns! First rehearsal!
Friday 7 September - While it's a joyful day [boyfriend's birthday!], it'll actually be a depressing day because, that's when he leaves for Scotland. Expect me wearing black that day, Excelsians.
Saturday 8 September - Biggest Inspection of the year at my job. Yep, it's F.O.R./S.O.R. [Field/Station (or Store?) Operations Review] time, so for the next two weeks it's cleanaholics-R-us in North DeLand.

I'm going to be honest with you--I am not looking forward to these next two weeks. Sure I'll be in the company of some of the best friends I've come to know. And I'm sure we'll do alright during our Inspection. But...

I guess... I guess I just hurt inside. I'm not as headstrong about this as I used to be. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. In fact, I'm probably so much weaker than I could've been.

At the same time, I'm keeping this flame [which somehow died a little] in my heart alive. Not even all the tears I could cry, could quench this small, weary flame.

This isn't over. I've hung on this far, I've stayed far more loyal than a good majority of my coworkers [particularly those who recall me being the resident flirt!!] actually expected [they thought I was gonna flirt with every guy in town this summer--and boy were they sooo wrong!!]. I'm not backing down. I have to keep holding on to... well, whatever there is left to hang on to. As I once said, it isn't much, but damnit, when... when you love someone so much, even though the love from the other person seems to die and you don't really know why, but you keep on loving the person anyway... you know damn well in your heart there's still something, somehow, somewhere.

In my case, even though we don't talk very often anymore, mostly because of our lives possibly threatening to tear us apart, somehow, there has to be a light of hope in our hearts still for each other. There just has to be. God only knows how many tears I've shed, just because my heart hurts--JUST BECAUSE OF ALL THIS GOING ON!! I shouldn't have to aggrevate myself so much and yet... why?

I guess it's because I've forgotten that we both have lives. But that doesn't mean that we have to forget each other because of this... right?

*sigh* Meh, I guess all I can do is brace myself for the worst, while praying feverishly for the best. There's not much left I can do at this point, because he's two hours away, I've got no way of getting to him so I can see him, and he's getting ready to leave anyway. But I've got this, and I've got e-mail, so we will keep on keeping in touch. Just that, with everything that's been going on, and all that will be going on soon... you know... it is no wonder we don't talk much anymore. Because we're so busy with our lives, and so tired at the end of the day, that we probably don't even think to send a note or call the one we love and just talk with the person... to just tell that person 'I love you'...

to let the person know you still care, no matter the distance, no matter what happens.

Dear God, what I would give just to hear those words again, even if it was only once, but just to hear even that mere 5-lettered word that once upon a time was only a word that was used to tease the hell out of me!!

Just to hear words of love for even one moment more, even if it's across the wire.

Am I the only person here who feels this way? Am I really this hopeless?

Incubus - "I Miss You" (acoustic version)

[from the upcoming 'My Own Autumn 2007 - Brokenhearted' StarMix]

To see you when I wake up is a gift
I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you
I see your picture, I smell your skin on
the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you

If I really am this hopelessly in love with him, if the love I've given really did flight on in vain, if all the hope I've had for whatever's left of what we have has truly turned me into a complete and unfortunate fool, if love really is a lie...



then I hope to God I'm not the last to know.



~ 'Sunshine' [until the next round...]

Chapter 48: d n i w e r - r e w i n d [If I could undo mistakes...]

[Currently playing: 'On Your Own' - The Verve.]



[this is how i felt last night. friday 24 august 2007.]

By the time I got to Temple Israel last night, I was slowly falling apart bit by bit. By the end of the service however, I was in better spirits. Seven-year-old Ben decided to sit next to me throughout the service to keep me company. He even got called up to the Torah with his dad! I'll post those pics up tomorrow; they were very cute.

Otherwise, all seems a bit chaotic but, it's alright. Today was fine. Nothing hectic.

I guess I'm still bracing myself for the worst of things to come. I just can't really be my happy-go-psycho self. Just... I'm just holding on for all it's worth. And this is something I have to deal with.



[this is how i feel now. friday 24 august 2007.]

More later when I have something cheerful to talk about...

~ 'Sunshine' [until the next round...]

Chapter 47: When Darkness surrounds you... [An emotional equivalent to a solar eclipse.]

[Now playing: Blessid Union of Souls - "I Believe"]

In all honesty, I can't say I'm in a damn good mood today, even though it's Friday.

First and foremost, a really crap picture I took of myself an hour ago:



[dark blue or purple? you decide. friday 24 august 2007.]

Last night and this morning I tried to make my hair a darker blue. When I got out of the shower it looked dark blue. When I saw the mirror at work, my jaw nearly kissed the floor--my hair looked purple. So of course, my initial reaction is, 'What the bloody hell...', with this kind of face: And then I opted not to think it over anymore; after all, it's just a color. At least it's not dark brown.

Things were fine until after my break, when Store Manager Joel decides to stick me in the drive-thru window of death [or, the drive-thru present (or second) window]. Now usually things go alright when I'm in the back drive-thru but, as Barb once noted, when they place me anywhere but there, things go wrong. Very wrong. Unfortunately, Joel was probably a bit too positive to note that. And Assistant Manager Lowanda did give a bit of a helping hand, as did Coworker Gwen. Unfortunately, things just got out of hand, I nearly lost my cool, and not many of the whole crew around were much of a help. Felt like doing this:

Add on top of the fact of the matter that two weeks from today Mikey leaves for Scotland, and I won't be able to see him again until January. Bad enough our relationship isn't in much of a good state of matters, so that just adds to the glum I'm in. Love is an absolute hell. No joke.

Cried a bit on my way to the Underground, as I'm in such an ill mood that I'm really not up for a smile. So now I'm more of a total wreck than someone excited for the weekend. The way things are going, I'm not sure I really want to do anything for the rest of the summer. Except maybe cry--and that's just in my spare time! Yeah, I'm that miserable, fellow Excelsians.

All I want to do is hide from the face of the world ,
cry until I get a good, strong headache from hell ,
read [or, in my case, write] some miserable poetry ,
and just not give half a damn about life anymore .

Unfortunately, with temple services this evening, that's not really an option at the moment. So, for now, I'll just share a bit of music from my latest StarMix, one for the brokenhearted such as I. They also happen to be the songs of the day:

Chantal Kreviazuk - "Turn the Page" ~ I first heard of her with 'In This Life' from around 3 and a half years ago, but this became my favorite track from her album What If It All Means Something? Somewhat suits me well today.

Coldplay - "Fix You" ~ Okay, call me an absolute spaz for liking Coldplay, but this is one of those songs that just scream HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, SUNSHINE!! I usually hear this when I need a good cry.

Lisa Loeb - "How?" ~ Dedicated to the people and things that just broke my heart to shreds. You know exactly who you are. Mike, forgive me but, you're on this list too. Still love you though.

The Terrible Sea - "NWA" ~ Flashback from Chapter 44, when things weren't so bad, and I wasn't so miserable. Alas, in the end, all I can do is cry.

X Japan - "Crucify My Love" ~ And, a Japanese band with English lyrics. A very, very sad song. Suits me just as well.



i wonder,
whatever happened to
the love i gave to others?
the joy
that once
was there,
the happiness that was as clear as the joyous sun,
the hope that shone through
the darkness of chaos--

all of this has disappeared.

what all is left to do?
all i have loved has abandoned me,
all i have known are tears and despair.
i don't really know what to do,
where to go,
how to feel.

i just don't know anymore.

the heart of the sun
has just experienced
the beginning of
its solar eclipse...
and i'm scared to find out what happens next.

what's going to go wrong now?
what more could happen
which threatens to tear
my quiet world apart?
i'm not ready to...

i'm not ready to fight on this way.



i just can't do it.



~ Jenn [until the next round]

Chapter 46: Germany has better noise than their soccer hooligans! [The noise: Kraftwerk.]

[Currently playing: 'Trans-Europe Express' and 'Metal on Metal' by Kraftwerk.]



[the men of kraftwerk, 1977.]

[This is a repost/reworking from the original blogpost on my NOOL blog. This is something a bit more lighthearted than the last Chapter, and if you haven't read that yet then check that before this!! Thanks!!]

Alright, I have a new secret addiction that's not-so-secret, and possibly a bit more fun and slightly more common, really. It's called Kraftwerk, and they've been making some seriously good electro music since the 70's. Quite possibly the best thing from Germany, really. [Okay, second in line is the current bishop of Rome, Pope Benedict XVI. But still!]

Just finished putting together my very first official Kraftwerk StarMix, so I'm giving a bit of the opinions on the track [as there's a good handful of them I've never heard for the first time!], and sharing the noise.



[the cover to the epic masterpiece 'trans-europe express' album.]

Y'all ready? All right then, here goes...

The Model (German version) ~ This is a neat track, though I've already heard the English version of 'The Model', which actually appears later on in this mix.

Aerodynamik (Remix) ~ I love this track. It's easily addictive and could possibly fill a dance floor real quick. Once played this, and everyone was like, 'WTF was that, Jenn!? That was awesome!!' :laugh: This is from my first Kraftwerk StarMix last summer, which had only 6 songs on it at the time.

Trans-Europe Express ~ One of Kraftwerk's great classics, just something about all those synths coming together the way they did. And to think this came out in 1977--they knew damn well what they were doing putting this track together!! And wait a minute, didn't a bit of the song get sampled on 'Planet Rock' by Afrikaa Bambaataa and the Soul Sonic Force!? That sounded uber-familiar...

Metal on Metal ~ Whoa... the beat has my attention now, folks! Instantly addicted to this. Kind of sounds like metal being clankered around at first, in a sense. If you have no idea what I just meant, you need to listen to this track. It also has that little familiar melody from 'Trans-Europe Express' that was, I'm guessing, sampled on 'Planet Rock'. *Just noted: This song actually goes together with said 'Express'; song between them is 'Azbug', which I don't have, unfortunately.*

The Telephone Call ~ I fell in love with this song before the first minute was over. This is a classic Kraftwerk masterpiece yet a unacknowledged 80's treat. Wonderful stuff from the German quartet. :thumb:

Radioactivity ~ This was my first Kraftwerk song. Very interesting tidbits about the song if you get a listen to the lyrics. [For the lyrics, this would be the proper place, complete with German lyrics and even Morse!!] I loved it. It's still a great bilingual song too.

The Model (English version) ~ This is the English version of 'The Model', which ended up on my first Kraftwerk mix last summer. I didn't notice until last night that there was an English version and a German version. The song's the same. The difference is the language.

Tanzmusik ~ Whoa... where did THIS chipper piece of German noise come from?? Cheeky piano, then the beats, then it all comes together and what do you get? Quite possibly one of the happiest things to come out of these guys.

Pocket Calculator ~ A nice treat from the first Kraftwerk mix. Classic Kraftwerk at its cute/quirkiest.

Computer Love ~ Alright, alright, stop shooting Coldplay for playing off this song already!! And anyway, the original is always better than the copy-off. Most of the time. This is another favorite Kraftwerk tune of mine.

Tour de France ~ I never really gave much care to the original great bike race but, I do like this tune right here from the guys. You could probably watch the race to this music. Just a thought.

Popcorn ~ Whoooooaaaa, hellooooo technopop!! This could be the more upbeat cheekier pop version to 'Telephone'. Hell, I'm even tempted [and it usually doesn't do much to tempt me!] to dance like a complete fool to this! This is my second-favorite Kraftwerk song ever, which only leaves my all-time fave Kraftwerk song right below it...

Metropolis ~ This was and is my all-time favorite Kraftwerk song. Good start-off, bring on the beats and it's on. Pure addictive stuff. And a great way to cap off my official Kraftwerk mix!!

And now, the question I pose to the readers--what Kraftwerk songs do you think should go on the second list [should I plan one, and maybe I should, with fan faves instead of my own?], songs that didn't make the first full official cut here? Leave a comment or e-mail me or something.



[my favorite pic of the group, robot-esque or otherwise!]

Enjoy the noise. Until the next round, Cheers!!

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 45: Cupid, life, and the world... against me!? [As Morrissey put it once, it's war!!]

[Currently listening to XFM Manchester online. Good stuff.]

Alright, Excelsians. It seems that Cupid, life, and the world have declared war on me and my little fragile heart. So it wants a war? Fine, but they aren't gonna like me for it! Quite possibly, I could be their worst nightmare. Or not.

Meanwhile, a stupid yet sort-of sensible idea plinkered on my mind as I was heading to the Daigaku [University] library--I could make myself an absurd version of a promise ring. Goes as such--it'll serve as a reminder to be loyal to the boyfriend. Of course, if he calls it off [which I pray to God that does NOT happen, given the current circumstances], it'll also serve as a reminder that, once I put that shattered heart back up on the shelf, it's NOT leaving the shelf again. I'm just...

I'm just tired.

Cupid's treated me as a joke, life's been unfair and harsh, and the world might be succeeding in convincing one of us that this isn't going to work. So what better thing to do than to glare at said enemies, flip them the bird and say 'HEY! WOULD Y'ALL LIKE LEMON OR LIME WITH THAT PIECE OF ADVICE, BASTARDS!?' Of course, me being the so-called streetwise common sense, meh. Might as well take them on in full force. I'm ready.

It's just that, even a heart that glows with a warm light is extremely fragile--it's just a heart of glass that reflects the sun's bright rays. And that's probably the only proper way to describe a heart that loves with all it has--my heart that loves with all I have--a heart of pure, fragile glass.

I don't know. I guess I'm just bracing myself for the worst. Praying that I won't be overcome by the chaos that Cupid, life and the world throw at me at an unmerciful speed!

Somehow, I don't know where I really stand anymore in the heart of the boyfriend, really. Hell, that should be the last thing I ever should worry about but, as I am currently under the weather, and this week's been madcap with Store Manager Joel at the helm of North DeLand [my work], and as I'm about to rework my blue hair a bit later on, how on earth did this become my main concern again?

For the record, and for the heck and fun of it, the song of the day, as well as my battle cry:

Blur - "Song 2" ~ Come on, how could anyone not want to take on their worst enemy with a background track like "Song 2"!? In the words of My Chemical Romance, 'Hallelujah--LOCK AND LOAD!!'

And, for the boyfriend, in case this relationship somehow has drowned in the lost chaos of it all...

Tomihira - "Mr. Disco" ~ Yes, a cover of New Order's "Mr. Disco" except, this is one hell of an awesome cover. Just... pretty...



I'm just going to close with a reworked line from "Rubber Ring" by the Smiths--

Do you [still] love me like you used to?



Until the next round...

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 44: Alright, this goes out to everyone in love tonight... [New StarMix, gang.]

[Currently playing: 'I Love You' by Sarah McLachlan.]

Alright Excelsians, I may be sick but damn it to hell! I'm in love, hurts like hell, but I've got a post to type up--a proper post even!! Oi!!

This blogpost is for those of us who are in love, but suffer for its sake. For those who are separated from loved ones because of circumstances beyond their control. For those who are with the ones they love because they want to, no matter what happens. For those who will risk their whole heart even if it hurts them in the end.

Above all, this is for the hopeless romantic, the helplessly beloved in all of us.

Sixpence None the Richer - "Don't Dream It's Over" ~ I never really got into the Crowded House original, but this cover spoke wonders for me. Sweet stuff.

Al Green - "I'm Still in Love With You" ~ In light of the recent ill-mood swings from the current illness, this one's for the boyfriend.

Lisa Loeb - "Truthfully" ~ For those who somehow fell in love unexpectedly, accidentally even, this is your waltz. Hands down one of my all-time favorite songs too.

Train - "Get Away" ~ News Flash: I don't mind some Train every now and then. But out of all of them, this is my favorite song from them, with "Meet Virginia" [their debut single] in a strong close second.

The Sundays - "Wild Horses" ~ Harriet Wheeler took this Rolling Stones classic to a whole new level with this cover. And this doubles as a good prom last dance too, but don't tell the high school principals, alright?

Sarah McLachlan - "Angel" ~ For the record, this alternative-rock chick is a total sap. And you know I'm a total sap if I have a track by the very talented Miss McLachlan.

Pete Yorn - "Strange Condition" ~ Kinda reminds me of that one time I had to work a Sunday and I was an emotional wreck. Hey Mike, remember that one Sunday? This song was on. Come on, you know what Sunday it was!!

Aqualung - "Extra Ordinairy Thing" ~ Okay, I admit it: I'm in love with Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" album. This is one of its best gems in the crown.

The Postal Service - "Recycled Air" ~ This song will ALWAYS bring me back to the first time Mike stopped over at my apartment. We ended up talking until 3 the next morning, took an hour and 15 minute nap, and I had to get ready for work!! No joke!! Good times.

The Terrible Sea - "NWA" ~ First heard this song last summer, when I saw the Sea in concert that one time. This song got my attention; sadly they disbanded later on in the year, left two good songs behind. This, again, is for Mike.

The Durutti Column - "Sketch for Summer" ~ Honestly, whatever Vini Reilly was thinking when he made this song, he's a genius. One of the best instrumental tracks of all time.

Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars" ~ Honestly, I love this song. This goes to Sora, because I promised him I'd find him this song. Hey Sora! found the song, now listen to it already, aiight!?

Blessid Union of Souls - "I Believe" ~ Posted this last night but it deserves another showing, because this song belongs in this StarMix. Just listen to the lyrics [or reread them from last night's post!].

Death Cab for Cutie - "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" ~ Another song for the boyfriend. Found this in particular for him. Lyrics pretty much say it all for us.

Jimmy Eat World - "Your House" ~ My favorite Jimmy Eat World song. I wasn't sure whether or not to put it in the StarMix but I added it after I saw I had some disc space in it!

Sarah McLachlan - "I Love You" ~ If you're in love, and you love someone dearly, but don't know how else to say it, here's the song.

Coldplay - "We Never Change" ~ Possibly one of the sweetest Coldplay songs, period. Just... waaaawwww....

The Cure - "Lovesong" ~ The classic gothique love song. And it's definitely going to the boyfriend. Robert Smith's words just say it all. Heck, it's just... sweet, y'know?

Lisa Loeb - "Stay (I Missed You)" ~ Fell in love with the song the first time I heard it. Lyrics just say it all. What better way to round out this StarMix than with this amazing tune?

To all the lovers in love out there in the world, until the next round, CHEERS!!





...and Mike, crush. :-) XOXOXO

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 43: Damnit, where's the Airborne!? [So THIS is why I was miserable last night...]

[Currently playing: 'The Final' by Dir en Grey.]

Alright, for the record, I finally figured out why last night I felt like absolute crap--and it wasn't just about Mike either. [Mike, if you're wondering 'WTF!?' you need to read Chapter 42 ASAP.]

I. Am. Sick. Miserably. Sick.

Been sniffling a bit last night, got worse today. Temperatures fluctuated [as Coworker Lana puts it best, 'cause she's been my temp-check] like nobody's business today. And I've been sneezing and coughing too. Not the best way to recover from a crazy weekend. Oh, and did I tell you I'm still sore!? Still bloody sore!?

In all humble honesty, I feel like crap.

So, whatever's been going around, whatever someone's caught, I got it now. And I absoeffin'lutely HATE it! Seriously, I'm sure some if not most if not all of you will agree with me when I say 'I'm sick of being sick!' Your usual manner of life gets screwed over, BIG time, which includes your body clock and your body functioning properly. [This I know, I've been awful sluggish today, and in the immortal words of Mr. Horse from the 'Ren and Stimpy Show', No Sir, I don't like it!!]

Bleah, I feel like crud at the moment. I'll post up some music later on when I'm not so busy multitasking like hell. Bad enough I'm typing, sniffling, and fighting the watery eyes. Oi!!

Until the next round [in a while]...

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 42: This isn't over... right? [An interrogating of a (slowly) breaking heart.]

[Currently playing: 'Street Spirit [Fade Out]' by Radiohead.]

After spending most if not the entire afternoon rereading e-mails and thinking things through, after remembering words that have surrounded my now thorougly-distracted head, and after recollections of a life of mostly unrequited love...

is it proper to think that love has destroyed me again?

By damn, I should never think it but, considering how things have been since the week before he left... no, Sunshine, it can't be.

...right?

I guess that when you're in love you go through things. You change, you evolve. You grow. But sometimes, it can just turn around and slap you in the face. And when it does, it hurts. I would know--it happens to me almost all the time. It isn't fair. And it's been often said that all's fair in love and war but... if that means that all Cupid's gonna do is call a supposed truce and then give me hell... he's wrong...

This weekend's been a crazy one but, I guess that, when the laughter's gone, and your heart is finally numb... and reality sets in...

Clay Aiken had it right with his song 'Lover All Alone' [which he performed last night at the show]...

Maybe I've convinced myself
I've really been in love
And I've been wrong
All along

For all I know the feeling
And the picture
That I've tried so hard to find
Isn't mine

Could be it's all just a waiting game
I wanna share my everything

And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it'll be all right
This love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone
Without love

Picking up the pieces
Makes me wonder if
I only build it all
To watch it fall

The faster it can go away
It means the less of me
Is going to stay
And I'm okay

But lonesome tomorrow comes anyway
I long for another day
Another day

And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it'll be all right
That this love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone
Without love

And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it'll be all right
That this love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone
Without love

A lover all alone
Without love

Maybe I've convinced myself
I've really been in love
But I've been wrong
All along

The only thing I can do now, I guess, is to just hold on to... whatever's left of what the boyfriend and I have. At this point, it isn't much but, if this relationship falls down then damn it to hell! I'll burn in its flames if I have to.

It's really hard to fight back tears when I hear this song but, I'm sure that, if he ever heard this, he'd understand [and yes, it IS a Clay Aiken song]...

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing every day
Amazing me in every way

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything
I have

['Everything I Have' by Clay Aiken.]

Someday I'll get around to posting this song but, in the meantime, here's a small dose of a StarMix for the brokenhearted, a song for even one who's nearly given up on love at this point such as I...

Radiohead - 'Street Spirit [Fade Out]' ~ Tears plinkered down my cheeks the first time I heard this song, and that was at least 6 years ago!

Blessid Union of Souls - 'I Believe' ~ This song was one I was finding for a very long time now. Finally, I have probably the one song that sums up everything that love could scream out for me. Especially the chorus. And how the lead singer notes a relationship with someone pretty different from him...

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she's never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy's gonna find out she's in love
With a nigger from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she's still here with me
'Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he'll understand
And he'll see me as a person not just a black man

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

I hope to God that this isn't over. It can't be. Even though we're different... miles apart...



So help me God, I just don't know anymore.

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 41: @_@!? [This entire freckin' weekend, and the week to come.]

[Currently playing - 'Pacific' by 808 State.]

If you've never been to DeLand for the annual Punx Picnic, go next year. You don't know what the hell you're missing...



[outside-stage insanity, punk style. sat 18 aug 2007.]

Saturday was the 2nd annual Punx Picnic at Caffe Da Vinci and, between 15 bands on two stages, it was a whole mess of fun.



[inside-stage insanity, i'm hiding behind the band a bit! sat 18 aug 2007.]

Most of the bands were pretty freckin' awesome. Great night all around, made some new punk friends. Highlight of the night however was a band named the Antics, a local band, who reunited just for THIS gig! Quite a thrill all around to watch this band, especially since one of my friends [actually, he's one of my regular drive-thru friends, heh] was the bass player in the band!!

Oh and, HE WORE HIS FOOKIN' RAMONES SHIRT TOO!! AWESOME!!



[go jason go!! w00t!! sat 18 aug 2007.]

I recovered a bit from last night, enough for me to get up and actually see just how beautiful yesterday actually was...



[en route to faith's house!! sun 19 aug 2007.]

So I hung out with my best friend Faith, and we both had the time of our lives when we went to see this person in concert last night at the Hard Rock in Orlando...



[if y'all guessed clay aiken, give y'self a gold star! sun 19 aug 2007.]

Made more new friends, and Faith and I had a ball!! For one I sang along to every song I know, except for 'Lover All Alone'. First time hearing that song--and I actually CRIED!! The lyrics were heartbreakingly beautiful, and I can actually relate to it. Emo point of the night there, folks.

But another thrill was when, during the intermission two Claymates gave me and Faith glowsticks for the final song, 'Because You Loved Me', and this became a beautiful sight to behold at said song:



['because you loved me.' sun 19 aug 2007.]

Another great highlight was when Faith and I got in the 'bus line' so that Clay could shake your hand [okay, more like a quick slap, as there were quite a good lot of us!!], and Clay got both my hands. Cue infectious giggle here.

So, today's my day off, and I'm recovering well, except I'm a bit sore, and my voice is shot. Thank God I don't have to deal with drive-thru today!! However, tomorrow to Saturday I'm a workhorse from hell, so prayers will be uber-apprecionated!

And, some surprising news that I didn't get to report about on Friday, due to time constraints--I was on a hectic schedule Friday...

Junior Manager Brianna's transfering to Brandywine. So too is Store Manager Barb. And Swing Manager Rebecca is moving to Texas.

As of today, we have a new store manager--Joel, who was store manager of Brandywine. Hopefully things will improve here at North DeLand, though I feel some of the effects of losing people that you've either just met [like Bri], or you've known for a long time and had a good strong bond with [like Barb], or you didn't get along with at first but now have a *somewhat* decent bond with [like Becca].

I will definitely miss these three.

In much more depressing news--today was the funeral for Tony Wilson. Hooky and Steve from the Order were there.

R.I.P. Tony.

Song of the day, because it's Monday: Queen and David Bowie - 'Under Pressure' --especially since that's what these next 5 days will be for me! Luckily, with Joel joining us, it shouldn't be too bad.

Quote of the day actually is from the boyfriend, in a response to my e-mail:

"I'm forever blowing bubbles... pretty bubbles in the air... they fly so high... almost reach the sky... then like my dreams they fade and die... fortune's always flighting... I've looked everywhere... I'm forever blowing bubbles... pretty bubbles in the air"

Come on you Irons!

Two things more--

Manchester City 1, Manchester United 0!!

Meanwhile, Mesh FC is in 8th place in the NOOL league for Fantasy Premier League. *cue in blank stare* Ah well.

One final note: Welcome back, returning Stetson students, and welcome aboard, incoming Stetson freshmen!!

...oh crap, today's also the first day of the Volusia County school year, is it? And it runs 'til JUNE this time around!?

For the record, this week just might be not so good...

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 40: 'Anything's Possible.' [Word on a Tony Wilson tribute gig!!]

[Currently playing: 'X-Posure with John Kennedy' on XFM Manchester online radio.]

A bit of the gang at NOOL are all over this already...

In The City: Let's Have a Party for Tony [Manchester Evening News]

In an interview with Dave Haslam on XFM Manchester, Stephen Morris of New Order was asked if it's possible that the Order could play a gig in tribute to Tony Wilson.

If there's one thing we can learn from Tony Wilson it's that anything's possible.

[Steve Morris, in response to Dave Haslam's question, a few hours ago.]

XFM Manchester website [you can listen live too]

Song of the day, in absofookin'lute cheer: New Order - 'Blue Monday' [Warren Lapham mix]

Until the next round, Cheers!! And Mike, keep on keeping on; crush!!

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 39: Updates, anyone? [Revisited quizzes, part 1 of 3.]

[Currently playing: 'I Believe' by Blessid Union of Souls.]

Revisiting old surveys, and updating them too. This is the first of three blogposts.

Originally posted on my old blog, Chapter 2...

1. Single or taken? [Taken, and damn proud of it.]
2. Do you have a crush on anyone? [Yes.]
3. Do they know? [Yes, he knows. And he's my boyfriend too!]
4. Do you flirt a lot? [Heck no.]
6. Do cheaters deserve a 2nd chance? [Let me think--no. I've been done wrong more than enough to know better.]
7. Serious or Fun-loving? [I can be both, how's that?]
8. Humor or Romance? [Both. 'nuff said, end of.]
9. Dark or light hair? [I have dark hair. Dark blue, that is!!]
[HEY! Where the fook is Question 10!?]
11. Do you kiss strangers? [Not really.]
12.Do you hug strangers? [Only if I know them well enough on a first-name basis.]
13. With who and how long was your longest relationship? [Two years, ex-fiance/now best friend.]
14. Do you believe in kissing when you are not together yet? [Well... *shrug* I'm not commenting on that one, really. Only one person I know knows THAT answer.]
15. Do you think about the opposite sex a lot? [Uhm... yeahuh?]
16. Have you ever slept at a friend of the opposite sex's house? [Yep. Quite a handful, mostly because they were just friends (no, seriously, JUST FRIENDS!!), and because after dancing the night away I wasn't up for driving all the way back to DeLand at ungodly-someodd in the morning. So I stayed over at a friend's, and we'd have breakfast and I'd drive back to DeLand on that day off. *LOL*]
17. Do you tell your friends they are hot? [No, but I tell my boyfriend he is!!]
18. Would you rather have a sweet, clever guy/girl or a wild, funny guy/girl? [I already have a sweet, clever, wild, funny guy... thank you very much. :-)]
19.Have you ever liked someone a lot who didn't like you back? [Oh, did I ever...]
20. Do you feel comfortable joking with your friends who are the opposite sex? [Damn straight I am!!]
21. Chocolates or flowers? [A bit of both. However (comma) I don't get either often so, when I do it's kinda special. Depends on the person who got them for me though.]
22. Have you ever been in the friends-with-benefits situation? [Ugh... yep. Plenty. Not exactly too proud of it at times also.]
23. Teddy Bear or Card? [What's so hard for both?]
24. Would it be sweet or annoying if someone of the opposite sex called just to say hi? [If it was my boyfriend, it would be sweet. If it was a friend, it would be cool. If it was a guy who wanted to hit on me and a coworker actually gave him my number, then it would be annoying. And if it was Assistant Manager Larry asking me to come in to work on my day off, that would be very annoying!!]
25. Ever felt like your boyfriend/girlfriend didn't like you? [Yes, unfortunately.]
26. Ever been cheated on? [Ugh, yes.]
27. Ever done the cheating? [Only once, and it was in the name of revenge.]
28. Ever cried over a break up? [If I was the one getting dumped, yep. If I was the one dumping the guy, nope.]
29. Ever kissed or hugged your girlfriend/boyfriend in front of a parent? [The one I'm with at the moment?? Heck no--wouldn't dare to.]
30. Do you believe in miracles? [If a punk and a nerd can be a couple then...]
31. Is it easy for you to get over people who were special to you? [Unfortunately, no.]
32. Have you ever made a birthday wish or blew on a dandelion? [Yep. Both.]
33. Have you ever had your heart broken? [Yep...]

The Official Two Word Survey:
1. Yourself: [Hopeless Romantic.]
2. Your car: [is dead.]
3. Your Hair: [is blue!]
4. Your mother: [Which one?]
5. Your father: [is alright.]
6. Your Favorite Item: [Cell phone.]
7. Your Dream Last Night: [Can't say.]
8. Your Favorite Drink: [Vitamin Water.]
9. Your Dream Home: [Not sure.]
10. The Room You Are In: [Canterburia Underground.]
11. Your Pet: [I've none!]
12. Your fear: [Being alone.]
13. Where You Want to be in Ten Years: [Just happy.]
14. Who you hung out with last night: [No one.]
15. What You're Not: [Completely bored!!!]
16. Your Best Friend: [are plentiful!]
17. One of Your Wish List Items: [Boyfriend visit!!!]
18. Your Gender: [All girl!!]
19. The Last Thing You Did: [Downloaded music.]
20. What You Are Wearing: [Work uniform.]
21. Your Favorite Weather: [Chilly/sunny.]
22. Your Favorite Book: [Martyr Book.]
23. The Last Thing You Ate: [Egg Bagels.]
24. Your Life: [is strange.]
25. Your Mood: [Sorta bored.]
26. The last person you talked to on the phone: [My Auntie.]

1. WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY? [Calling a truce with a NOOLer I didn't quite get along with for a while.]
2. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING? [Eating--break-time!!]
3. WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO? [The first Survey on this post!!]
4. SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995? [...hey, wasn't that the year I went to Disney World!?]
5. LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD? [Ugh, cheese goobers 'n chili sauce!]
6. HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY? [One: Iced Coffee!!]
7. WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT NOW? [Depends on which one you're talking about. Female best friend is in Miami. Male best friend is in Louisiana.]
8. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? [Blue and white.]
9. WHAT IS OUT YOUR BACK DOOR? [My apartment has only one door.]
10. LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? [Breakfast! No joke!]
11. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? [A Libby-Lu makeover--thanks, Stepmom! *hugs*]
12. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR? [White.]
13. WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE? [In my pocket!]
14. WHATS THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY? [Hot as hell, and only 30 seconds of rain. Damn.]
15. BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR? [Anything mostly chocolate, except for mocha. Ick.]
16. SOMETHING YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT? [This weekend: Punx Picnic on Saturday. Clay Aiken concert with Faith on Sunday. Sleep-in day is Monday!!]
17. LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW? [Earlier this year, actually.]
18. WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR? [7 1/2.]
19. DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS? [Yep. I have one.]
20. ARE YOU VERY RANDOM? [I usually am. Sometimes.]
21. DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR? [Uhm... no?]
22. ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 22? [Why yes, I'm 23 to be exact!]
23. DO YOU TALK A LOT? [...]
24. DO YOU WATCH THE OC? [Helllllllllllll naw.]
25. WHAT DAY DOES YOUR SCHOOL END THIS YEAR? [You mean what did DID my Senior Year end? Which in that case it was this summer five years ago.]
26. DOES YOUR SCREEN NAME HAVE AN '' X '' IN IT? [Nope.]
27. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE? [I actually know about 4 or 5 people called Steve.]
28. DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS? [Pretty oftenish. *grin*]
29. ARE YOU TICKLISH? [Very. VERY. Ticklish.]
30. ARE YOU TYPICALLY A JEALOUS PERSON? [Used to be, but jealously's sooo uncool.]



...until the next round...

~ 'Sunshine'

P.S. MANCHESTER CITY BEAT DURHAM YESTERDAY!! 1-0!! GO CITIZENS GO!!

Chapter 38: Odds, ends, and... a blackout!? [Must be a Wednesday...!]

[Currently playing: 'Fade to Grey' by Visage.]

First of all, not sure how the hell this haze came about, but it must be the cause of this very interesting sunset from last night--



[6:52 P.M. last night, just as I was turning the corner to get around to my job.]

This odd haze has been around for quite some time, actually. I should've done my homework about this, but I haven't. Oops. But anyway, I'll be honest here. It just makes the sky look so... so... weird. I mean, it's kinda hard to describe it but, basically it makes the sky look rather pale... close to white, really. I don't know, maybe it's just me. But in any case, I hope it's gone soon... or at least I hope it rains. We could sure use it. Big time.

In other happy-strange-oddity news, Monday night I got a special treat in the mailbox: my friend Margaret in Canada [the resident Hooky's Angel of the Excelsios Underground] sent me a third envelope full of Joy Division/New Order pics!! Yay!!

A good majority of them were Steve and Barney pictures, as well as some of them together. I was in happy post-punk girl heaven. So much so that I took a picture of my favorite picture sent to me, and now this is my cell phone wallpaper:



Coworker Tabby thought he looked younger than 49 by a good shot--she even thinks he's cute!! Hee-hee!! *all giggles and stuff now*

[I mean, hell, if he looked at me like that then, how the heck could I not say no!?]

And finally, for a laugh-out-loud shock of the day, at around 1:30 this afternoon a nice surprise happened--considering I had a crappy day [again...!], this proved to be that, now it was the hurting's turn to laugh its ass off...



With some light reflected from the outside [or was that the emergency light?]. No joke. The power around our block went OUT!!

We were closed for about an hour or so until the power came back on and we got things going again. Fun times because I wasn't on the clock when it happened, so I got to stick around and watch all the fun unfold!!

Of course, Barb was pissed because apparently this happened five minutes after she left to attend a meeting somewhere in town. It all became he-said-she-said-and-she-said when she said we were open, but Swing Manager Melissa informed her that Supervisor Chris said to close the place down until power came back up. And I, of course, just played messenger and laughed at it all. It was perfect!



...then again I'm sure there'll be hell to pay tomorrow! Crap!

So, in closing, here are a handful of songs for you Excelsians to jam to. This is my newly o-fish-ul [erm, official!] old-school gothique StarMix. Trust me, this is just part of what the 80's were all about...

Yazoo [or Yaz] - 'Don't Go' ~ Got me from the first synth notes. Alison 'Alf' Moyet is right below Gillian Gilbert in my list of the most influential women in music. Alf provided the vocals to the synths of Vince Clarke [ex-Depeche Mode]. She. Is. Amazing!

The Teardrop Explodes - 'Brave Boys Keep Their Promises' ~ I never heard of them until it was noted once that they played at a festival with Joy Division. This song got my interest and attention. Very unique in its own way, really. Gotta find more TTE for the Underground, yes, I should. Indeed.

Stockholm Monsters - 'Winter' ~ Never heard of them until a fellow NOOLer [can't remember who--dangit!] mentioned them. I now have four or five songs from them, and they are absofreckin'lutely cool. An Excelsios favorite already. So much so that two of their songs, this being one of them, are on the Hacienda Homecoming music player here [the other track on it is 'Fairy Tales'].

Public Image Ltd - 'Rise' ~ Possibly the best thing Johnny Lydon, that redheaded cutie, ever did after the rise and fall of the Sex Pistols, was starting PiL [as this band is commonly known]. This is perhaps their biggest hit, and it's a surpriser too, as Johnny sounds wonderful in this song. Bravo, Johnny, sir!! *sigh*

The Smiths - 'There Is a Light That Never Goes Out' ~ Come. The. Bleep. On. How the Helen of Troy could anyone have a goth mix without Morrissey's beloved band the Smiths!? Every goth-ish mix I've done has this song on it. It's just the perfect sad love song. [Just watch out for that 10-ton truck.]

The Pet Shop Boys - 'It's a Sin' ~ Yes, I do consider this a goth song. If you've seen the video you'd probably understand. And anyway, the lyrics are quite a testimony to it. But overall, it's a good dance tune. No shame in this song whatsoeffin'ever.

Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark - 'Electricity' ~ OMD [as this band is commonly known] actually played with Joy Division in the same festival as with The Teardrop Explodes. Forgot the name of the festival, but I'm sure of it. Anywho, this track's on the Hacienda Homecoming music player.

New Order - 'Mesh' ~ Hands down my favorite pre-'Temptation' song by the Order [with 'Procession' in a VERY close second!]. The beats, the bass, the guitars, vox and synths--I love it all. Just something so cool and so sexy about it. Can't put my finger on it, really. But it's still a good song!

Joy Division - 'Heart and Soul' ~ I opted for something very haunting from the 'Closer' album by the Division, and this track is exactly it. Very gothique and very beautiful. And Ian's vocals!? Hel-lo chill factor! Need I say more? I think not.

The Durutti Column - 'Otis' ~ Somehow, this could just fit. I don't have a clue how the DC could be goth, but this could serve as good chill music. And anyway, it lightens up the mix a bit. This song's on the Hacienda Homecoming music player, as well on a few more upcoming Mixes.

Visage - 'Fade to Grey' ~ One of the great classic neo-romantic gothique songs. It just grips you like it's nobody's business, from the opening synths to the final 'We fade to grey'. Although I will admit that I do find the video a bit strange if not slightly disturbing, a good song all around.

Peter Murphy - 'Cuts You Up' ~ Quite possibly one of the best things to come out of Peter Murphy since Bauhaus. This is pretty different from his Bauhaus material, but it also has its own sense of pure whim. The DJ back at Indie-Bar always paired this song with the one following it--

Siouxsie and the Banshees - 'Cities in Dust' ~ My very first Siouxsie song. Heard it as a kid, never heard it again until almost a year ago. And now it's become one of my all-time favorite songs. I once dedicated this to an ex-boyfriend who did me wrong. Of course, he wasn't too thrilled on how I moved on!!

New Order - 'Angel Dust' ~ I'm sorry but, I just canNOT resist putting this classic track on there. From 1986's classic album 'Brotherhood', this was one of the three favorite tracks on there. Its remix is 'Evil Dust', which I'll have to post on here one of these days. Yeah, it's that good.

The Cure - 'Lovesong' ~ The quintessential gothic love song, courtesy of the Cure. The lyrics, the keyboards, the entire song is just one hell of a classic. Sure it could be a bit cheesy and possibly one of their most overrated songs but, come the hello on! it could be one of the best love songs ever.

Tunnelvision - 'Glenn Miller' ~ I swear, I never heard of them until Saturday night when I went music-hunting. This song's got a sound similar to the Division, but not quite. It's a very interesting song though, and the chorus is, albeit a small bit hard-to-understand, very neat-o. Ace song.

Ministry - 'Every Day Is Halloween' ~ Ahh, the classic anthem for the whole gothic nation. Al Jourgensen did us goths justice when he and Ministry put this song together. It's got common airplay now, and not just on Halloweens anymore. Put it on and remind yourself, this is what it is to be a goth!!

The Durutti Column - 'Sketch for Summer' ~ What more unique way to end a goth mix than with more of the DC? This song is a bit more unique than 'Otis', and it's already become my favorite DC track. Possibly one of the best chill-out songs never really discovered. A great masterpiece all in all.

...and there you have it! Some of the best 80's goth tracks I can think of at the moment. Yet it all just works! I can't wait to hear this back at the Apartment.

A final note--I finally have the first official soundtrack to the 'Angelos' arc, so stay tuned for the mix of eclecticity, as I debut the first round of StarMixes devoted to the 'Angelos' arc.

Until the next round, enjoy the noise, and Cheers!! XOXOXO Mike, Crush!!

~ 'Sunshine'

ETA 8:42 P.M. ~ I am an idiot--I FORGOT THE MP3 LINKS!! STUPID SUNSHINE!!

Chapter 37b: And now, Frank Sidebottom!! [The official laugh of the day!!]

Possibly, Frank Sidebottom might damn well be Manchester's greatest hero ever!!



You guys have to sing along to some of this stuff. Best laugh of the day, and it's got the charm of Greater Manchester in it too!!

Enjoy, Excelsians!!

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 37: *deathglare to the first person who calls me in to work tomorrow!* [A nice day in hell... *insert eyeroll*]

[Now playing: 'She's Lost Control' by Joy Division.]

There are days in which your life is all flowers and butterflies, and there are days in which your life is like a very abandoned cemetary.

Today, for the most part, falls under the second catagory, Excelsians.

Things were fine until, early on in the day, around 6:15-ish, Joshua's like, 'What took you so long to get the towel buckets ready?' As usual, I wanted to just shut him up by means of snapping at him with a 'Hush it!'-like remark, but of course I got distracted by an order at the speaker. Talk about saved by the bell!...?

The day progressed, we got slammed, and I had to keep some sort of composure intact. All went alright, I had my break, but I couldn't eat much because some of the songs that the satellite radio station at work played reminded me of the boyfriend. So, I got two muffins and some tears for breakfast. Meh.

Just when we all thought a momentary good cry, some muffins with bagel sauce [yummy!!!], and a round of Computer Solitaire would render me back to alright... WRONG!! I get back from break, and I'm on my own throughout the rest of the day. Faith came in to save my butt at one, but we were still slammed. And it just got worse, of course. My Aunt Margaret wanted to see me and show me her first grandson, but work was slammed, so I ended up missing her visit. I felt worse than horrible after I finally clocked out at two. I was pissed.

So I went to the restroom first thing for another cry.

You know, I guess I'm worse of a sap than I give myself credit for.

Slight good finally emerges when Kaleigh lends me $5 for lunch [as I didn't get my paycheck yet until AFTER I got my lunch!!]. Oddly enough I had a Crew Trainer Meeting at three, so I only had an hour of sanity to myself before the meeting. The meeting itself was good, with Assistant Managers Lowanda and Larry serving as our Junior Manager guides. So, the journey begins for myself officially--Junior Manager Donna's going to help me out on Saturday afternoon with some training, so you might not get a post until maybe later that night--

--OH CRAP!! I'm gonna be at the Punx Picnic festival after training with her!! Worst bit is that I'll miss the first hour AT LEAST because of the training!!

FAC'n hell, just when I thought things were gonna be just fine. Ah well.

Got two c.d.'s today--'compact disc' by PiL [Public Image Ltd] and 'Upstairs at Eric's' by Yazoo [Yaz for those of us Americanos]. I heard a bit of the PiL disc earlier and, by damn it could be one of the best albums I never heard until now!!

I'll probably post a follow-up review tomorrow, as I'm off tomorrow and I can stay up late and dance like nobody's business to the music. Tonight might be fun.

In some more sad news however, I fear I left my glasses at work. Fuck!! *facepalm*

And in even worse news, it seems that, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, I might not be able to see the boyfriend before he leaves for Scotland next month. Which means, I fear his infamous last words might be right--'see you in January' indeed. Bloody fucking hell.

My usual remedy would have to be to go back to the apartment and cry until the next morning but, I'm not sure I really should do that. I still have to be strong. Hell, the day is damn close to ending, but my heart's grieving badly, and life is nothing short of this--



I guess it's safe to say that, today was definitely a Monday. And for a very long time I've admitted, time and again, the fact that I hated Mondays, and how much I've hated them.

And now, some songs to fit the day, 'cause let's face it. Miss Sunshine just ain't happy today, folks. Funny thing is, some of these songs are not what you'd expect me to hear. Better have an open mind today, Excelsians.

Ryan Adams - 'When the Stars Go Blue' -- This could be, hands down, one of the most surprising treats from Mr. Adams since 'On Your Side' from one of his earlier albums. Good cover.

James Taylor - 'Fire and Rain' -- First time I heard it at work, it didn't get much of my attention. I really have grown to like this song, because some of these lyrics are sooo true.

Bruce Springsteen - 'I'm on Fire' -- Fell in love with the song the first time I heard it. It's just... something different from the Boss. And the only Boss song I like is 'Glory Days'. I kid you not!!

They Might Be Giants - 'Snowball in Hell' -- Let me be straight with you guys here: I love TMBG. They're funny, they make music that makes sense, and they make the kids happy. Life is good, and so is this song.

The Verve - 'Weeping Willow' -- When I first listened to their last album 'Urban Hymns', this was the very first song I found a total favorite in. It's got a shoegaze-goth-esque feel to it. Still love it.

Queen and David Bowie - 'Under Pressure' -- Let's have a laugh: usually I do well 'under pressure'!! *pun intended... or not?* This is my all-time favorite Queen song. ...yes, even more than 'Bohemian Rhapsody'!!

Elton John - 'Tiny Dancer' -- 'Hold up Sunny--ELTON FUCKIN' JOHN!?' To which I respond, yes, Elton effin' John. One of my favorite songs, it grew on me at work. Maybe I'll sing that the next time I go out for Karaoke...?

Susanna and the Magical Orchestra - 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' -- Probably my all-time favorite cover of the great Joy Division classic. It just has this strange lullaby-esque feel to it. Very interesting/unique in its own way.

Siouxsie and the Banshees - 'Cities in Dust' -- Did I tell y'all I love Siouxsie and the Banshees? I guess you can say, this song could put into words how I feel. Heck, I even once dedicated this song to an ex of mine!! No joke!!

808 State - 'Pacific' -- Possibly one of the best songs to just chill to after a day of total, insane stupidity. This song is one of the songs on the blog music player, celebrating the Hacienda Homecoming.

David Bowie - 'Space Oddity' -- One of my top-five all-time favorite Bowie songs. This was, in fact, my very first Bowie song. I absolutely love the strange, spacey feel of the song, and I sing along to it every time it's playing.

The Durutti Column - 'Sketch for Summer' -- Another great chill song, probably just as good as 808 State's 'Pacific'. Their song 'Otis' is on the Hacienda Homecoming blog music player. They're... they're just so cool, y'know?

Public Image Ltd [PiL] - 'Rise' -- I actually loved the song, never knew who did it though. Found out it was PiL. And was stunned to know that Johnny Lydon was in it. Yeah, that Johnny Rotten guy from the Sex Pistols! Excellent song.

The Bangles - 'Manic Monday' -- Now come on, you HAVE to have this song for a Monday. I'd put New Order's 'Blue Monday' on this mix, but let's face it. I'm glum, not quite in the mood for dancing. But this song's a pick-me-up though!

And there you have it--the essential Excelsios Monday StarMix. Enjoy!!

Until the next round, Cheers. Mike, don't work too hard--crush!!

~ 'Sunshine'

Chapter 36: GO CITY GO!! [Manchester City wins their first game!!]

[Now playing: 'Rise' by PiL (Public Image Ltd).]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Barclays Premier League is off to a very good start...

Manchester City beats West Ham United, 2-0!!

Heh, this might just turn out to be something I'll have to try and check out after all! w00t!!

Other scores from the opening weekend...

Chelsea over Birmingham City, 3-2.
Arsenal over Fulham, 2-1.
Liverpool over Aston Villa, 2-1.
Blackburn Rovers over Middlsbrough, 2-1.
Newcastle United over Bolton Wanderers, 3-1.
Eerton over Wigan Athletic, 2-1.
Derby County and Portsmouth tied at 2.

This could make for an insane Barclays Premier League.

Updated 3:29 P.M.--The first-week results of the Fantasy Premier League are in and...



My Mesh Football Club is tied at second place with Dream Attack Football Club!!



You know, this could be a very fun first fantasy sports time, oi!

And again, massive Cheers and Kudos to Manc City. w00t!

~ 'Sunshine'