You know, my coworker Lana has a point about something.
Perhaps, the boyfriend just assumes that I already know, and thus he need not tell me that 5-letter word as often as we used to say. Among other odd theories she has, I guess that she's been the only person I can actually, humbly talk to, and she'll try to cheer me up with some sweet, hopeful answer. I mean, if it wasn't for Lana [who's also in Junior Management training, as well as planning to dye her hair purple!!] I would've probably sunk deeper into the abyss of my emotional 'solar eclipse' from God-knows-where.
The summer cold is 98% gone [thank. God. for. that.], but I'm still taking the meds for good measure. Because, yes, I'm strange like that. What else is new?
I don't know... I guess the only main worry is to brace myself for the weeks ahead. Confused? Here's the timeline of upcoming events--
Monday 27 August - Work, most likely.
Friday 31 August - Last day of August, which means it's EoM [End of the Month] time. Joel'll be in the system for most of the day. And since it's a Friday, chaos is bound to happen.
Saturday 1 September - The first day of September.
Monday 3 September - Labor Day. Ironically, I'll be at work that day.
Wednesday 5 September - Saint B's Choir returns! First rehearsal!
Friday 7 September - While it's a joyful day [boyfriend's birthday!], it'll actually be a depressing day because, that's when he leaves for Scotland. Expect me wearing black that day, Excelsians.
Saturday 8 September - Biggest Inspection of the year at my job. Yep, it's F.O.R./S.O.R. [Field/Station (or Store?) Operations Review] time, so for the next two weeks it's cleanaholics-R-us in North DeLand.
I'm going to be honest with you--I am not looking forward to these next two weeks. Sure I'll be in the company of some of the best friends I've come to know. And I'm sure we'll do alright during our Inspection. But...
I guess... I guess I just hurt inside. I'm not as headstrong about this as I used to be. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. In fact, I'm probably so much weaker than I could've been.
At the same time, I'm keeping this flame [which somehow died a little] in my heart alive. Not even all the tears I could cry, could quench this small, weary flame.
This isn't over. I've hung on this far, I've stayed far more loyal than a good majority of my coworkers [particularly those who recall me being the resident flirt!!] actually expected [they thought I was gonna flirt with every guy in town this summer--and boy were they sooo wrong!!]. I'm not backing down. I have to keep holding on to... well, whatever there is left to hang on to. As I once said, it isn't much, but damnit, when... when you love someone so much, even though the love from the other person seems to die and you don't really know why, but you keep on loving the person anyway... you know damn well in your heart there's still something, somehow, somewhere.
In my case, even though we don't talk very often anymore, mostly because of our lives possibly threatening to tear us apart, somehow, there has to be a light of hope in our hearts still for each other. There just has to be. God only knows how many tears I've shed, just because my heart hurts--JUST BECAUSE OF ALL THIS GOING ON!! I shouldn't have to aggrevate myself so much and yet... why?
I guess it's because I've forgotten that we both have lives. But that doesn't mean that we have to forget each other because of this... right?
*sigh* Meh, I guess all I can do is brace myself for the worst, while praying feverishly for the best. There's not much left I can do at this point, because he's two hours away, I've got no way of getting to him so I can see him, and he's getting ready to leave anyway. But I've got this, and I've got e-mail, so we will keep on keeping in touch. Just that, with everything that's been going on, and all that will be going on soon... you know... it is no wonder we don't talk much anymore. Because we're so busy with our lives, and so tired at the end of the day, that we probably don't even think to send a note or call the one we love and just talk with the person... to just tell that person 'I love you'...
to let the person know you still care, no matter the distance, no matter what happens.
Dear God, what I would give just to hear those words again, even if it was only once, but just to hear even that mere 5-lettered word that once upon a time was only a word that was used to tease the hell out of me!!
Just to hear words of love for even one moment more, even if it's across the wire.
Am I the only person here who feels this way? Am I really this hopeless?
[from the upcoming 'My Own Autumn 2007 - Brokenhearted' StarMix]
To see you when I wake up is a gift
I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you
I see your picture, I smell your skin on
the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you
If I really am this hopelessly in love with him, if the love I've given really did flight on in vain, if all the hope I've had for whatever's left of what we have has truly turned me into a complete and unfortunate fool, if love really is a lie...
then I hope to God I'm not the last to know.
~ 'Sunshine' [until the next round...]
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