[Currently playing: 'Street Spirit [Fade Out]' by Radiohead.]
After spending most if not the entire afternoon rereading e-mails and thinking things through, after remembering words that have surrounded my now thorougly-distracted head, and after recollections of a life of mostly unrequited love...
is it proper to think that love has destroyed me again?
By damn, I should never think it but, considering how things have been since the week before he left... no, Sunshine, it can't be.
...right?
I guess that when you're in love you go through things. You change, you evolve. You grow. But sometimes, it can just turn around and slap you in the face. And when it does, it hurts. I would know--it happens to me almost all the time. It isn't fair. And it's been often said that all's fair in love and war but... if that means that all Cupid's gonna do is call a supposed truce and then give me hell... he's wrong...
This weekend's been a crazy one but, I guess that, when the laughter's gone, and your heart is finally numb... and reality sets in...
Clay Aiken had it right with his song 'Lover All Alone' [which he performed last night at the show]...
Maybe I've convinced myself
I've really been in love
And I've been wrong
All along
For all I know the feeling
And the picture
That I've tried so hard to find
Isn't mine
Could be it's all just a waiting game
I wanna share my everything
And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it'll be all right
This love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone
Without love
Picking up the pieces
Makes me wonder if
I only build it all
To watch it fall
The faster it can go away
It means the less of me
Is going to stay
And I'm okay
But lonesome tomorrow comes anyway
I long for another day
Another day
And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it'll be all right
That this love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone
Without love
And on my own
It's hard to tell my heart it'll be all right
That this love it holds will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone
Without love
A lover all alone
Without love
Maybe I've convinced myself
I've really been in love
But I've been wrong
All along
The only thing I can do now, I guess, is to just hold on to... whatever's left of what the boyfriend and I have. At this point, it isn't much but, if this relationship falls down then damn it to hell! I'll burn in its flames if I have to.
It's really hard to fight back tears when I hear this song but, I'm sure that, if he ever heard this, he'd understand [and yes, it IS a Clay Aiken song]...
I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing every day
Amazing me in every way
If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest
If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have
I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side
If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything
If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world, but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything
I have
['Everything I Have' by Clay Aiken.]
Someday I'll get around to posting this song but, in the meantime, here's a small dose of a StarMix for the brokenhearted, a song for even one who's nearly given up on love at this point such as I...
Radiohead - 'Street Spirit [Fade Out]' ~ Tears plinkered down my cheeks the first time I heard this song, and that was at least 6 years ago!
Blessid Union of Souls - 'I Believe' ~ This song was one I was finding for a very long time now. Finally, I have probably the one song that sums up everything that love could scream out for me. Especially the chorus. And how the lead singer notes a relationship with someone pretty different from him...
Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart
'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay
But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she's never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy's gonna find out she's in love
With a nigger from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she's still here with me
'Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he'll understand
And he'll see me as a person not just a black man
'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way
I hope to God that this isn't over. It can't be. Even though we're different... miles apart...
So help me God, I just don't know anymore.
~ 'Sunshine'
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