If you're new to the Excelsios Underground, and you're one of my friends and you haven't had much of a clue as to what I've been up to, here's what's gone on up to now--
June '07 - Summer began. Got a boyfriend. Started hunting New Order albums. Ran into an ex during a first date. Same ex wanted a second chance [stupid of me not to have mention that...?]. Dyed my hair red.
July '07 - Boyfriend leaves for hometown. Started junior management training... somewhat. Dyed hair blue. Had mock-inspection at work. Completed New Order album collection.
August '07 - Officially got started on training. School started again. Started obsession over Kraftwerk [yes, I do plan to collect as much of their albums as possible. just. watch. me!]. Store managers of my store and Brandywine switched. Boyfriend broke up with me.
...and here's where we're at right now:
These past 48 hours have been a headache and a half. No joke.
For one, Monday I was off. Found out about the break-up. And of course I was gonna be an emo-wreck for it. I'm a girl. I'm not as tough, or as strong, or as hopeful even, as I used to be. Unfortunately, that's just the humble, honest truth. There's no way around it. And that's something that I have to deal with.
One way I dealt with it last night: dyed my hair black.
...yes, black. Picture this week to follow, I promise.
In the meantime, work = hell! Prices flipped around for the breakfast menu a bit, and a good chunk of the breakfast customers pretty much damn near killed me over... what? A bunch of NUMBERS AND CENTS AND STUFF!? Come. On. People. Just get over it already. Yes, we've changed stuff a bit. Now move on... and while you're at it, stop bitching at me about it already!! Oi...
*whew* Now, that done, next topic of conversation, and the heart of the matter--
I'm looking back on being single, which is something that I'm just used to. It's nothing new. It sucks, but it's nothing new. Just as one becomes a new ex, another ex [see the update at top of post] wants to be with me again. But... somehow... inbetween hurting from the break-up, stupid hopeless crushes on 3 guys, and the ex wanting to be more than just friends again... I...
I just can't do it anymore.
That's right--with all the chaos that 23 [almost 24 to be exact] years has shown me, I know I'm still young but... well, I'm just not as naive as I used to.
Hell, I'm still wishing Mike didn't break up with me. It's pathetic of me, to be honest, and it hurts. It really, really hurts. Part of me still loves him. But another part of me wishes to just put the heart away on the highest shelf of my quiet life--this time for good.
Drastic? Probably. And if still hurting over Mike makes me a fool, then I've been a damn-good fool for lesser things.
But yes, I think... I think that it's time I put away my heart, my hope for love, and my foolish pride. Cupid's dealt with me well. In rebellion, I dyed my hair black. Because, to be honest... so much of my usual cheer has died that, I've had no reason to keep my hair blue anymore. I just couldn't do it. I lost the will to do it.
These past 48 hours have given me time to think through a lot of things that've been happening to me. I've had three hopeless crushes--neither of them know about it. [By the way, a hopeless crush is when I have a crush on someone with absolutely no hopes of either of them having any mutual feelings for me.] Yet, I'm still numb inside from the break-up and yet still holding onto feelings for Mike, which I shouldn't be doing, really. And my ex wants to be with me again but, given the circumstances, and all that I've been through...
I can't. I just can't do it.
So, for now [maybe, if I'm lucky, permanently], my heart is shattered, wrapped up in a pretty blue and silver wrapping, tied with a silver ribbon, and placed up on the highest shelf of my quiet life. Where it belongs. Because, with everything I've been through in near-24 years, I can't risk my heart being shattered anymore.
In the end, I'd rather be alone than be heartbroken.
Until the next round, enjoy the music.
~ 'Sunshine'
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