Okay, Citizens. I'm confused. Big time.
First of all, let's all skip down Memory Lane--from Monday 25 February, Chapter 98 ~ So much for my happy ending.
So this afternoon I get a text from Hikari [or as I can now call him my OTHER best-buddy ex-boyfriend], and he kindly reminds me that I'm a resilient girl, and to not let something small like the recent break-up get me down, and... well, I'll use his exact words for the last part of the text:
and you always have me =) <3
Okay--wait, hold up, and TIME THE FCUK OUT!! @.@-!? This is the same guy who broke up with me back in February simply 'cause he'd no time for this thing called us!? And now he's all like, "you always have me"!?
Er, yeah. :-\ Citizens, I'm confused. Somewhat.
I mean, I've always been the one facing the "right woman, wrong time"/"let's just stay friends" situation. So now I'm in this little mess [and mind y'all it's disaster number 3 in a slay-off of ten months], what else am I to do? I already swore to myself to never find time for this kind of mess again--in the end, when it's over, again and again, it's all a waste of emotions. True love exists only for those truly blessed by God to find that proper bliss, and in fairy tales--and I stopped believing in fairy tales years ago.
I'm scared of making that stupid, senseless mistake again. I mean, there's always that risk that I could finally stop the heartache but, I don't really see that happening. And as I said before, no matter how hard I try to work anything out in a relationship, in the end nothing works out.
*sigh* I wish I could just work things right with Siren, but we've started over again as friends. --hey, wait. What the fcuk...
Ever since I've had my proper rant about the relationship gone stale, and now that it's been over, HE'S ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK!! And yet, it's not the same anymore. I can't really answer his IM's on AIM without fighting tears of anger, nor do I even understand now the why of it. Why now, when I'm still crying and hating myself for existing only to be Cupid's whipping girl, and to have to face getting over the heartache because, as always, things can't work out.
You know, I guess I will always have Hikari--but as a dear friend to me. He knows what-all has been going on, and understands where I'm coming from. And it sickens me a little to think that, I still love Siren as well. Except, like I said, it's not the same. And that's another thing I hate myself for--that I still harbor feelings that should've died a long time ago, and unfortunately that's how my heart is. It takes a helluva lot for me to hate somebody.
I could never hate Hikari because he's a good friend of mine. And I could never hate Siren because of the fact I'd liked him for so long, yet never gave him a chance. And yet I hate myself because I love them too much to hate them.
*sigh* I give up. I don't know what to do anymore...
~ me
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