codename ~ HELPLESS

For a long time there'd always been a part of me that, when it seems that everything has kinda gone from bad to worse and then some, cries in a corner of my mind one little sentence that just about sums it up:

I give up.

I know, it shouldn't be like me of this but, there are tears that I want to cry but can't. There are words that I have to say but can't. There are trials and tribulations that I want to overcome, but can't. All because life is sometimes just too much to bear. And while I know that God won't leave or forsake me, there are times when I just want to scream "Hey God--ARE YOU OUT THERE!?" at the top of my lungs... but I can't.

Because life and society doesn't really give a damn. And it hurts.

It hurts at the end of the day when, after trying to tell myself time and again that things are going to be alright, the day itself just crashes and burns. It hurts when the day commits suicide around me and all I can do is stand in the middle of its ruins, defenseless. Helpless. A minor yet major failure.

It hurts when I need to cry, but I can't. And then it harbors itself inside me until, finally, something to set me off. All hell breaks loose. And I explode. And to see me cry... it breaks the Store Manager's heart when I cry at work. But what all could he have done to prevent the pain from taking over? Nothing--because sometimes he adds on to the tears. So yes, it should break his heart when mine's already shattered. When all the day's hopes have died and there isn't anything I or anyone can do about it.

Throughout these past couple of weeks I was going to try to attempt 21 codename posts, one each day leading up to this Friday. And simply put, work has worn me out. And it's been horrendous. It's been pointless. My attempt on trying to find the good things about me became a failure when all I can see are the mishaps, the lost hopes, the tears. The failures. This has not been a good year being 24. And it's only going to get harder, it's only going to get worse, before anything gets better.

I am truly not looking forward to celebrating my Quarter-Century anymore. My heart's just not in it. There isn't anything worth celebrating anymore. All of a sudden I am shoved into the fear of the fact that, yes, I was an accident. [Long story about the implications but that's basically what happened between the parents. *shrug* What?] That yes, perhaps I wasn't meant to exist. That yes, maybe I was meant to be a failure in the end.

The truth to it is, in God's eyes I am no accident, I am meant to exist, I am no failure. But... it's hard to keep my eyes on the truth when they're blurred with helpless tears.

Because it's hard to face the world when you're a poor, working-class drive-thru girl trying to make ends meet, living paycheck to paycheck and thanking God that at least you can make the rent and the cell phone and try not to starve.

Because it's hard to face the world when you've got no mode of transport other than walking, as gas prices are pointless, and you can only make enough to survive but can't afford a transport--except for $1.25 on the Votran Route 60 to the mall in Daytona and $1.25 back to DeLand, and that's IF you can afford to go to the mall to treat yourself!

Because it's hard to face the world when you've grown up most of your life being teased, called names, emotionally abused to the point where you think that no one really loves you, that no one really believes in you. When you're called names and made the punchline of jokes in school. When you're the outcast most of your life in a town that has no tolerance for outcasts. When the damage is done that, two years in a new town you still don't feel like you belong, and almost commit suicide if not for your best friend who'll always be there somehow.

Because it's hard to face the world when the world, and society, stereotypes you just because of how you look, what you believe. When the world is trying to convince you that you need to be a certain way of this person or that person, that you need to look or act a certain way in order to belong. When the world thinks you need to fit the stereotype they cast you in, and hates you when you step out of line. When the world discriminates you because of who you are, how you act, whether your hair is dark brown or deep blue, what you wear. When you're defenseless as the world accuses you of what they think is wrong that you've done.

This past quarter-century I'd seen and heard enough to feel the pain, to numb the nerves, to break the heart, to cry the tears. I've had the honor of being in the aftermath of many a death among my family and friends, I've had the pain of saying good-bye to too many friends. I looked suicide in the eyes at the age of 21 and survived when I didn't think I'd make the Quarter-Century. But now I've near-reached that unlikely threshold, and this one question remains, after all this time--

dear God, what have I become?

I never wanted to be in this state of despair just days before my birthday. But it's the end of September, October starts tomorrow, and with that begins the next three days that promise to be miserable the way things have been these last handful of days. Part of me feels like I'm still struggling, still trying to stay strong, still holding on. Most of me feels like it's all been a failure. And I wish I didn't feel like that most of me. But it's hard to when all I feel is hopeless about these next few days, and when I'm entirely helpless in trying to do something, anything about it.

Originally I was going to post a few songs but, today I'm in a very numb state. Not really in the best of moods. And I still need to cry some tears before anything runs from bad to worse. Something's got to give. So for this post I'm only going to post one song--perhaps the only proper song to sum up how I've been feeling lately.
"Hurt" - Johnny Cash


I don't have much else to say other than, in the immortal words of Ira Girshwin,
Life's a bore--the world is my oyster no more!


~ me, codename HELPLESS