The Thursday Tradition|Christmas 2009

Well, after surviving a 5 A.M.-1 P.M. Monday shift, 12-8 P.M. and Kids Night on Tuesday, OPENING yesterday, and still half-asleep after my 5 A.M.-1 P.M. today, I am getting this done and out of the way so I can get a nap in. Happy Christmas Eve, Underground Citizens. I have to be in the Choir Room at 9:30 P.M. tonight. No, I am NOT spending Christmas Eve with the family this year--I'm too tired, too irritated and sleep-deprived. And if I have to go to Christmas Dinner with the family tonight, someone's gonna get yelled at by a rather irked me. And 'irked' is putting that nicely. I'm sorry but... no. Not this year. This isn't the year to subject myself to extra stress on top of the hell and high water I've already dealt with so far. In fact, I think I've been saying "Bah humbug" more than "Happy Christmas" this year--far more. That's a first--it's also pretty scary too.

Sooo, that said, here's a Thursday Tradition filled with YouTubes of music, fun and holiday cheer. Turn up the tune'age. And raise a cup of cheer for me--or at least, try to anyway, if you're as bleah as me.

"Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney
*Old-School Alternation Song of the Week*


"The Chanukah Song" - Adam Sandler
*Dedicated to my Jewish second family. Much love + respect!*


"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
*Favorite version of the Christmas classic*


"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - James Taylor
*Christmas Anthem 2008 + Song of the Week*
*Dedicated to family and friends within the Underground, with love*


"Oi! to the World!" - The Vandals
*Christmas Anthem 2007*
*No Doubt did a fantabulous cover of this tune!*


"Christmas Wrapping" - The Waitresses
*Christmas Anthem 2009*


Merry Christmas, with lots of love. Make the best of it, even in face of the worst of it.

~ me

Chapter 228 ~ Some Christmas Lullaby...

Not very much of an update but, Friday's Hanukkah Party at the Synagogue was quite wonderful. Everyone was very surprised and excited to see me. 'Uncle' Reuven even did the one Kiddush which involves me cheering "L'Chayim!!!"--which was a realisation to those I hadn't greeted before that that, I was back where I was missed. It was a wonderful party, and I can't wait for this Friday, which is the 8th and final Night of Hanukkah. Looks to be most promising and most exciting. It also means, MORE LATKES!!!

Also, today was the Christmas Party with the Choir. Needless to say, the party didn't last long enough--we didn't get to have a sing-along. BUT, I -did- get to play the piano for a bit, and practice for Christmas morning when I'll be playing the Carillon for Susan [who'll be in Chicago to greet her new grandchild this Christmas]. I even got to change before going to the Party, as I decided it was better to dress up for the occasion than to just be a bit on the 'punky' side. All in all it was a lovely Party, and I can't wait for next year's party already. But, alas, another year to go. Still, it was wonderful; perhaps next year, if someone does play the piano and a sing-along ensues, maybe I will get up the nerve to ask my dear Choirmaster for a dance. Not like I would--I'm socially bipolar. I'm such a shy brat. It's almost pathetic. But, still. Who knows...

*sigh* Alas, bedtime already. Long day at work tomorrow, including a Christmas Party at 4 P.M. This could be a very exhausting day...

Dreaming of Dreidles and Friends, New Memories, Music and a Choirmaster...

~ me

Chapter 227 ~ MAAAYDAAAY!!!

Ah yes, the holiday season. Filled with lights and Christmas trees. Latkes and Hanukkah menorahs [or Hanukyahs, I think that's the way it's spelt. if not, my bad!]. Family time and party time. Lots of music, lots of headaches. Lots of this, that and the other. And enough drama to make me [or you if this is the case] scream--deep breath, all together now,

BAH FRECKIN' HUMBUG!!!

*sigh* There. All better. As long as the neighbors don't ask, "Holy cow what happened to the girl!?" then, hey. All is well. Because it's been that kind of week. Allow me to throw a few verbal snowballs on a few itty bitty little matters.

First and foremost, my extremely evil laptop. It's been uncooperative. And it's been acting up, for a lack of better words. In fact, I think I've pleaded with it quite enough. [Of course, I could be wrong!!] But, while it's being very nice to me *now* I figured, update the Trans-Underground Express while absofreckin'lutely possible. Sooo... yeah. I really wish it didn't have to be a rant-o-rama. Don't worry, I'll make up for it with some good news. But, in order to get to the good stuff, I need to let out the bad stuff too. 'Cause, those of y'all who've read the blog long enough... yeah. We don't need Sunny holding her temper all in. Nuh-uh.

There. That said, on to a more severely irksome topic. Everyone -knows- this one. Work. Yep, the drive-thru of doom as I like to call it. And these days--I hate to admit it but--it's been hell in a handbasket. Between the weather as of recent [wind + rain + cold = ick] and the technology failure as a result of a power surge late Tuesday night, today... at work... eh... yeah. Bad. Very, very bad. There is only one old-school credit card machine in the entire store... and it's in the Back Drive-thru of all places. Which means there's myself, Joey [Mary, the espresso-machine queen--NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH STORE MANAGER MARY... alias Blue Sky] taking the orders... and up to all three Front Counter order takers, in the event that all four of us, at some point, have to take a credit card. Two rolls of receipt paper got changed out, the New System finally got fixed around 1 P.M. earlier today... around the time I was leaving. Irony, anyone?

And lastly on the not-so-good list of random thoughts... well, it's still taking a while for me to snap out of that November slump. Yes, 10 days into December and I still haven't entirely snapped back into yet. I think it's partly because of the weather. One friend reasoned it had to do with my first Christmas being single in a few years [gee thanks... rub it in why not. lol]. Another thought I was overstressed [eh, maybe...? i don't know...!!]. And one other person thought, "Oh, we all go through that, Jenn. Don't worry about it." Uhm, problem is, with me, 9 times out of 10 you -don't- want to tell me not to worry about it because, chances are, I'm SOOO gonna worry about it!! But, back to this. Yeah... part of me is still kinda... uhm... blah. That's it. Blah.

Alright!! now that I've got the bad stuff out of the system, on to the good stuff. Like, a Christmas tree, perhaps! [And I still need to get a pic of the Christmas tree at work posted up here at some point!] The tree [finally] got trimmed and adorned during Kids Night on Tuesday 1 December. The kids made the majority of the ornaments that are up on the tree. I only made a few and had to momentarily get over my fears of heights AND falling to get the Star at the top. All in all, best Kids Night in a while. But if you want insanity, this past Kids Night was that--especially after I decided to extend it. Because, let's face it. It's just downright WRONG to interrupt kids in their Christmas-card-making projects. So, I extended it, ended up with glitter glue all over my shirt [thankfully it was a Super Mario shirt... 'cause I would really hate to have to end up with glitter glue all over my work shirt, which was *almost* the case!], helped kids make cards, and even painted faces of a high school girls basketball team from Flagler County. Alll in all, hilarity ensued. Fun times. Though by the time all was said and done it was 10 P.M. and, I really needed to get home, post-haste... who knew that half an hour later after I left would be the power surge noted earlier during the rants?

Also, this past Saturday was DeLand's annual Christmas Parade. Yours truly walked it... with Rabbit... Blue Sky... some coworkers... and RONALD McDONALD! Yep, Ronald was with us again this year. This time around, before the Parade started, we had time to get pics taken with Ronald, as well as the City of Deltona's Grinch [or at least I did anyway]. We had lots of fun catching up with friends, coworkers, some of our resident higher-ups [one of the Supervisors, and the Store Owners both, were there]. And there was even a dose of danger and adventure because, as we were heading back in the opposite direction, to catch the rest of the Parade, three of my coworkers went to Checkers--I stayed across the street from there. Surprise, surprise--not five minutes later did a fight break out. Cops and the Sheriff got involved. It was exciting--and pretty freckin' scary--to watch from across the street. The Parade was halted momentarily while the scuffle got stopped, and then it [the Parade] was resumed. All in all, eh, not a bad Parade this year but, I'm now concerned about its possible turn-out for next year. We'll just have to wait and see what-all happens next year.

And, lastly, PARTY!!! Yep, three parties in four days. And what looks to be next week's schedule too. Anyone taking notes?

+ Friday 11 December [tomorrow] ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Hanukkah Party at Temple Israel [night 1 of Hanukkah]
+ Saturday 12 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.]
+ Sunday 13 December ~ Choir Christmas Party [after the 11 a.m. service]
+ Monday 14 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Christmas Potluck Party at work [starting at 11 a.m.]
+ Tuesday 15 December ~ Work [12-8 p.m.] - Kids Night at work [5-8 p.m.]
+ Wednesday 16 December ~ OFF!!! [i can breathe for once! lol] - F.A.M. Night on Christmas Break until January 2010
+ Thursday 17 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Daughters of the King meeting [7-8 p.m.]
+ Friday 18 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Hanukkah Party at Temple Israel [night 8 (final night) of Hanukkah]
+ Saturday 20 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.]

WHEW!!! that's gonna be a long week... which, mind, the work schedule is ALWAYS subject to change. If that is the case I will update accordingly. But, anywho... I can but only try to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe I'll do something during Kids Night for Hanukkah... or not. I don't know. If we can get away with Christmas then, why not Hanukkah? I'm sure we can try to make latkes out of French Fries...

--erm, or not?

I suppose that is all for now. I know I haven't been updating on the musicality that is the Thursday Tradition but, as of lately, the laptop's been hating on me. And I'd been too busy, too hectic, and too "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" to even get my nerves together proper. Sooo, hopefully, I should be able to get some music back up soon. Maybe Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" for the Thursday Tradition next week? Sound good with y'all? 'Cause it does for me... I mean, it's Hanukkah after all! And it's a funny song. And... and... it's one of the few great mainstream Hanukkah songs that can get away with mainstream radio. How's that for made-of-awesome?

And on THAT bombshell... time to get ready for my D.O.K. meeting. I'm already late for the shower. Dang nabbit.

Bracing for what promises to be one very long Holiday season...

~ me

Chapter 226 ~ Goodbye, November

So, alas, another year, and you come and leave me now, November. And bringing with you, were an inspection on week one. Insomnia and misery on week two. Three funerals on week three. A long week of exhausting misery last week. Yesterday you brought a missed moment in being in the Christmas picture. Tonight... you bring back heartache, reminding me of just how truly alone I am, how truly alone I will always be. I hate you... I HATE YOU!

Eleven years ago, you began an almost-six-year fight that would've, should've left me dead. I should not be here. I should not be alive. I should not be existing. Don't tell me otherwise--because you, November, are a liar. I cannot, will not, ever believe you--because I have made that mistake before. And I have been sorely mistaken. I have learned my lesson. And I will never find hope in you, ever again.

You brought me another month of misery. Right now, I miss my Sissy. I miss a few people in my uncommon existence. I am scared that I might truly end up alone... I'm 26 years old... that should be the last thing on my worries, but it's not. All I can think of is, how the hell did I end up so alone, sick to my stomach in misery and wanting to tear myself apart? If I am invited to eat, I don't want to eat, but I eat or else I risk starving myself to death. This pain... while much of it is not my own... the pain I'm feeling right now... I feel so... so...

empty.

That's all that seems to be remaining of me now. Emptiness. A hollow shell. And a dull, aching pain of a headache, of all the tears I've cried this month. I should've cried enough to make a river to drown in. Yes, I feel that empty inside. And there is nothing that you or anyone can do to make me say or feel otherwise. Not tonight. Not now.

So this is my farewell letter to another you, November, as you die and go away for another year. Thank you for leaving me hollow, empty, miserable. As I had always been around this time of year. Thank you for making me look forward to Christmas... in a way that, I won't be looking forward to it this year. Thank you for lying to me, telling me this year would be better than the last. Thank you for convincing me that I belonged, that I was meant to exist, that I was loved... thank you for lying to me, and making me believe it.

November, I hate you. Goodbye.

~ me



*Song of the Week*
"Cast No Shadow" [UNKLE Beachhead Remix] - Oasis

Note to those reading via Facebook: the video is posted on my Wall.*

Chapter 225 ~ The Gloomy

I hate November. It's the one month of the year I get depressed the most. And it's usually at its worst for the year. I've already pissed off a good handful of people because the stress level went into overload; I can't really get enthusiastic about stuff because I'm afraid something's going to horrendously wrong. And I don't really feel at my most creative... if anything, it's a much darker mood. I don't know...

Part of it has to do with three people that the Daughters and I have been praying for, for a while, who've passed away this week. One of them, Mary Helen, was one of the original Daughters within the Chapter. So, at the moment, I'm kind of in mourning for those three until the last Funeral, which is for Mary Helen, on Thursday afternoon. As a result, there will be NO Thusday Tradition this Thursday upcoming, as I will be attending the Funeral.

Meanwhile, I haven't really had the chance to catch up with Latin-O and see how plans for next Saturday are looking. And, to be honest, I should probably do that, and soon too. Like, now even. I am still hoping for the best, that we will get to hang out again.

Right now... I just feel like... bleah...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #...?

Yes. I lost count. BUT, it's gonna be an interesting Thursday Tradition, because for the first Tradition in months, it's a good ol' slew of YouTubes. But, trust me. It's all good.

First and foremost, here's a bit of a surprise from Newsweek. And while it doesn't touch on everything, it *does* touch on some of the most memorable stuff that went down in the last decade. Yes, it's almost 2010 already. That said...
The Decade in 7 Minutes - Newsweek


Next up, ah yes. One of those pop-ish, overplayed songs. But you know what? I love it. It was my Song of the Week for last week [despite a 6-day workweek and major temper tantrum from hell]. I find myself singing along to it at work. Yes, don't lie--it's addictive.
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas


From the heart of the Indie Intelligence files, an all-but-forgotten favorite song of mine. And, in fact, it's what I'm considering as my Classic Indie Intelligence Song of the Year for 2009, which I will be doing sometime next month for the final Thursday Tradition of this year--and so much as this DECADE! That said, from the year 1994, a 15-year-old gem,
Skull - Sebadoh


And digging deeper into the Indie Intelligence files, a brand-spankin'-new addition. One of many, actually. But, here's a really interesting one, particularly as the song came out in 1978. Fair warning--it is DEFINITELY not of the usualities within the Indie Intelligence files. All the more reason it BELONGS in the I2 files! All I can say now is, you. have. been. warned!
Warm Leatherette - The Normal


Surfacing somewhere slightly closer to the usualities of the I2 files, is a song that has also been a favorite. Well, more like a favorite of the I2 files' usualities. Great song all in all. Grand classic.
Love My Way - The Psychedlic Furs


Once again, this song surfaces for the first time in about a month or so. And it's a nomination for Anthem of the Year for this year for me. We all know this tune... LOL! And, yes, this -is- the video for it. Sing along, you Underground loons...
Stand or Fall - The Fixx


Now, sing-along done, get your ass up and dance. Yes, y'all read proper. Because this is another new addition to the I2 files--and THIS one, y'all didn't see coming. In fact, this was [and SO is] the anthem to Halloween 2009. And to think this was old-school freestyle musique!! Now, that said, GET YOUR ASS UP AND DANCE!!
Don't Stop the Rock - FreeStyle


And, to close it all up, is the Song of the Week. I *love* this song. And at this point, the lyrics speak up enough for me, especially the chorus. The song is awesomeness. And it's my
*Song of the Week* This and That - Michael Penn


We will return to your regularly-scheduled madness tomorrow. I promise.

Raisin' the noise, raisin' the roof...

~ me

Chapter 224 ~ Change of Heart

So much has gone on... so much...

For one, today I have decided to say an almost-bitter "Goodbye" without even saying it, to Yuuki. As I haven't really been able to speak with him at all since that last IM almost two weeks ago, and as I am afraid he has moved to New York and--possibly--begun to go on with his life... yeah. I have feared a bit of the worse, and while it's only been about a month since I'd met him, sadly the time arrives to say farewell and move on. Of course it pains me a bit inside, because, hey! I actually liked Yuuki. But, I guess, life dealt us a cold hand. And I have to come to accept it--and, tough to admit it but, I have.

On the other hand, I have found myself wanting to spend more time with Latin-O, and partly because of the kiss from All Hallow's Weekend. While I don't necessarily see myself as betraying anyone whatsoever--remember, Yuuki and Latin-O are [or were?] friends--I wonder if I have to really take up Yuuki's advice to "find someone who can be there." It's not going to be easy but... who knows? And what does Latin-O see in me? I guess it's probably more than I'd realised. However, I don't want to jump the gun on anything. So, here's hoping that maybe, after some three or four years of being friends, maybe there might be something there that wasn't there before. I don't know... we will see.

Last week I survived a very long workweek, complete with an Inspection--which I survived on some five hours' sleep. By the way, we passed. Still though, the week had a way of messing me up and over, especially with my sleeping patterns. Yeah, it was a rough week last week. This week however, my schedule's back to normal so I have my Wednesday off. And that means, more lost sleep to catch up on. More sleep is a good thing, especially since I'd lost enough sleep last week and had to make up for it and, thus, missing Discipleship class AND Services on last Wednesday and this past Sunday. I owe my team plenty. *sigh*

So... that was pretty much last week in a nutshell. I still have much to do before I try to finalise plans with Latin-O for Saturday 21 November, to hang out with him again. Hopefully, well, things go through somehow. *fingers crossed*

Wishing... wondering...
[hoping... and moving on...]

~ me

Chapter 223 ~ Somewhere Between Hope and Confusion

For the first time in a very, very long time, I confess: my heart is confused.

No, I'm serious. I... I don't know what the f@#k to do.

You have no idea what the Helen of Troy I mean, do you? Well, sha'up and let me talk.

See, right now, I have absolutely no clue on how Yuuki is, granted the situation at present. I haven't really spoken with him since Thursday, and at the moment I'm afraid the situation isn't looking very good at all. For all I know, he's probably just too busy to even have time to want to see me... yes, I know, it's harsh. And perhaps it's cruel of me to think that way but, when I face the reality that... that I'm not going to see him again, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try to make an effort... it makes that much of a difference. This is how I'm trying to handle the heartache. This is how I have to handle the heartache. I... I have to face the fact that it's already time to let him go.

On the other hand... the friend of mine who introduced me to him in the first place... Latin-O... well... he... he kissed me goodnight on All Saints morning. Yes, at around 4 or 5 A.M. Sunday morning. After we finally got back into town from our insane Halloween adventure, complete with dancing, Pac-Man and a near-fight at an iHop. Now mind, this had been the best Halloween I'd gone throgh in quite a few years, and I can't quite remember the last time I had an outrageous 26-27 hours awake straight through. But this... well, this had quite an interesting twist when he kissed me goodnight. And, well, while he's been a friend of mine for some 3 or 4 years, and while I've kinda-sorta liked him all the while, I hadn't really found myself looking at him a bit differently until this past weekend. Sooo... yeah...

Hence, my heart is confused. I mean, it's... yeah... very confused... I mean, how the hell do I seem to find myself thinking of someone else differently, as I'm slowly letting go of another person because real life is so damn cold to us? It's a rather startling--and frightening--epiphany. So, for the moment, I'm just going to keep proper silence and let it all sink in, try to make some sense of it all. Or at least try to make time to make sense of it. Time right now is very, very scarce this week.

This is what my work schedule looks like:
Today: Worked 5 A.M.-1 P.M. and ran some errands.
Tuesday 3 November [tomorrow]: Work [12-8 P.M.] + Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November: Work [5 A.M.-2 P.M.] + INSPECTION!
Thursday 5 November through Saturday 7 November: Work [5 A.M.-1 P.M.]

Sooo... uhm... yeah... tonight seems to be my only free night. Damn. *sigh* It's my only night to get anything done, basically. Between thoughts and work and my busy life... I fear I might not have much time for much else. Probably sleep, IM and eating. And a phone conversation or two, but that's besides the point.

In light of the confusion of the heart... I present the song of the following...

Song of the Week--> "The Boss" - Diana Ross
[This is the Boss D. Morales Remix, by the way.]


Enjoy the tune'age, folks. I have a long week to brace myself for, an Inspection to rock, and a helluva lot to think about.

Confused in the heart
[and that's saying much]...

~ me

Chapter 222 ~ Tempest

So the washer at work wouldn't start. The towel-detergent dispenser wouldn't start after the washer DID start. The rush didn't stop. A ketchup pump is missing parts. The drive-thru system went absolutely psycho. And that was just TODAY--AT WORK.

And to think that last night's IM conversation with Yuuki was what brought me to that much-needed good cry--because... well... right now... he's facing the possibility of leaving. As in, having to move... out of state. And, it hurts, because I won't be able to see him anymore. I haven't seen him since last Tuesday, when I went to get the hat for my costume... and, I'm afraid that, that would be the last time I'd ever get to see him. To be honest, I haven't cried so much over a guy in a long damn time... last night, I just couldn't stop crying. Didn't even fall asleep until sometime after 11:30 last night, and I still couldn't sleep all that great. Lovely--I meet someone in the area, that I actually like... only to end up facng the very real possibility of losing him. It hurts.

I am doing my best not to think about it, but granted that it was only the start of hell on earth that expanded throughout my workday today, it's very difficult right now. While I haven't thought of the problem much throughout the day at work, it's still a deep-enough wound in my heart. And especially with time running very, very thin right now... I can't really push the matter far enough from my mind. It's far too soon. It's... tomorrow. That's how painfully close the matter is to me. And what sucks is that, I really like him. Now... I get to lose him. Already. It's very nice how life deals a very cruel hand to us now, isn't it?

Latin-O and I will continue on with plans as originally sorted--going out tomorrow after he [Latin-O] is done with work for the day/eventide. Tomorrow night, I am going to make the best of things--or, at least, try to anyway. It's going to be difficult though, because of the emotionally exhausted state I am currently in; however, I am determined to press onward--even if it kills me. I am not going to become Miss Remy Thames for Halloween in vain... especially if Latin-O is going as Ash from the "Evil Dead" movie trilogy. But, I didn't plot up a costume like Remy's for nothing, really...

Wednesday, I won't be having a day off like I usually do. In fact, at the moment, this is what next week looks like. Pay attention--you'll see why:

Sunday 1 November ~ All Saints Day ~ Evensong at 4 P.M., Saint Barnabas Church.
Monday 2 November ~ All Souls Day ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Tuesday 3 November ~ Work [12 P.M. - 8 P.M.] - Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November ~ WORK [5 A.M. - 2 P.M.] - VISIT FROM CORPORATE! ~ F.A.M. Night/Discipleship class [Dinner 5:30 P.M. ~ Class 6:30-7:30 P.M.]
Thursday 5 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.] ~ D.O.K. Meeting [7-8 P.M.]
Friday 6 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Saturday 7 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Sunday 8 November ~ Church

As of right now, Auntie [that's my new nickname for my First Assistant Manager] isn't sure when my other day off will be yet, but she will be sure to schedule me that second day off. When I know more of when, I will post and update y'all.

In the meantime, I have been having a severe temper with much of the people I have to deal with--in particular one person who said yesterday, "And who the fuck would want to hang out with a blue-haired punk like YOU!?" Needless to say, that's been a major wound in my nerves. Yes, I am more over it. As to the emotional state of the heart, however... that is another story. It's going to be a very long weekend ahead.

Tired, worn out, and heartbroken...

~ me

Chapter 221 ~ The Lonelier the Soul...

So it seems that, I... I hurt. This week, with the exception of Wednesday, had been a helluva rough one. One that, really, I swear I could almost scream if I wanted to. If I had my way, the earth--or at least my apartment building anyway--would've been shaken by just one scream born of frustration and hurt and tears. There is so much to take on, between having to deal with delayed Crew Trainer meetings [we haven't had an actual meeting since MID-SEPTEMBER!], and always forgetting to restock the Advil for these headaches/knee aches/back aches/whatever-else-aches, and beginning to fully assemble my costume for next Saturday [which, by the way, I still have no plans], and dealing with Drive-Thru and life and Typist's Block and... and...

I haven't had a good cry. I'm so damn overwhelmed. I want to cry but I can't--the tears won't let me. So I've had to keep suppressing them... I hate doing that. I can't keep it all in me, because I'm scared that sooner or later, my inner hurt will get the better of me and, I... I'll end up snapping. God forbid that it be at anyone I hold dear to me, be it friend, family, or even Yuuki. My problem is, I hold it all in for so long, that one day it just... it just explodes. Someone gets hurt. I don't want that to happen--I want to just cry, let it out. Get it out of the way. Let it go and go on with my life. And yet... right now... I can't.

In due time, I suppose, the tears will fall. Until then, I must hope, and stay strong somehow. But, I have to let it out too--I can't let it kill me inside.

Also, I still have no plans for Halloween. Still. I was thinking of another horror-movie night at Yuuki's but, not sure if he or our friend Latin-O are up for it. Latin-O has just finished putting together a crucial part of his costume too. So, I don't know. The last thing I'd really want to end up doing is sit in front of the laptop in chat with nothing better to do, on Halloween. And I'm not up for helping at Trunk-or-Treat at church this year either. So... yeah... this Halloween might actually suck, the way things are looking right now.

*sigh* I am always hoping things will get better. So why do I always feel like I'm in the wrong on this?

Feeling so alone
[as opposed to last weekend]...

~ me

Chapter 220 ~ Stand or Fall

Damn... it's been a month since I last had a venting moment. Since... since life gave me a chance to actually breathe, let alone get enough for me to stand up on my own again. Still, much has happened, and I believe it's proper that I get some sort of update in.

Ready? All right. Here we go.

First and foremost, as of some two weeks from yesterday... well, I turned a year older. Tonight I am 26 years, two weeks, and one day old. Or rather, young. And it is now mid-October... and cold as hell. Seriously. I'm trying to enjoy the fresh air outside, but it's not easy to without a couple of layers and a blanket. For all I care, we might as well start singing "Jingle Bells!!" [The scariest of it is, it's not even Halloween, and the Walgreens next to my job is already starting to PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS STUFF!?

...uhm, yeah. I think I'd might as well find my Menorah now. When's Hanukkah this year anyway?? And where's my calendar for that matter...]

Second, yes, I am also still kind of single. Yes. Key words: "kind of." It's a bit of a long story but, I'm kind of seeing someone. I don't want to mention names because, God forbid, if Siren reads this [and I'm sure he will, sad to admit] he's probably gonna say something, or start some sort of B.S. which, to be honest, is the last thing I need. And especially after all the crap he's pulled this year so far. Yes, I have not forgotten. And I know there is more to add to what-all he's pulled on me so far but, I refuse to speak about it, and only because it would probably upset me all over again, so I am trying to block it out. But anyway, back to the topic on hand--as for the person I'm kind of seeing, yes, I like him. And the only person, in the end, that I'm making this such a big deal to, is myself. I mean, I have forgotten more or less what it's like to actually hug and kiss someone, dang bloody nabbit!

Now I'm sure that there's bound to be more than one jealous person within the Underground reading this [believe me, there's always one in the crowd at least], and I'm sure someone's gonna be upset about it. But, there is one thing I should let y'all understand. Read this loud and clear--I am not going to let some jealous people break my little dose of happiness. At the same time, however, I will be rather headstrong about it, because I have had my share of the jealous guys who think they're all that-much-better and a bag of potato chips. However, arrogance = absolute turn-OFF. It's bad enough I deal with arrogant people who think they run my Drive-Thru day in and day out. I don't need to deal with arrogant people saying that they're better than the person I'm seeing--that, alone, will result in an immediate "F@#k off" from me. Fair warning. I don't like arrogant people--and those of you within the Underground that know me well enough, know well where I stand with arrogance. I won't deal with it. I *will* dismiss it very quickly. Unless you're among the VERY FEW in the world that can pull it off and get away with it--and trust me there's a few... but, why would I want to stray so off-topic?

So, yeah, I'm sort of seeing someone. I like him. A lot. And I am happy. And if you don't like it, tough. I don't care. I'm happy. I'd rather be happy than be miserable. And the one I'm seeing, he makes me happy.

There. I've said it.

Meanwhile, we've been rockin' the suburbs at work. We even have a new record to break as of last month--138 cars, 12-1 P.M., about a week after my last update. And, another record set, this time my own, by myself, for Breakfast Rush: 115 Cars, taking the order and paying them out. And to think that I'd been trying to beat 111 for at least a year now! Well, I pulled it off, and upped the bar. I want to beat it, but... not now, not right away. And I think it's because, it's still trying to sink in. I think it was last week or the week before... I don't remember... but I did it. It was definitely earlier this month, and after my Birthday. This, I'm certain of. I just wish I had the car count for that morning... dang nabbit.

And in other news, I am trying to make time for friends. More time for friends. And more time for him whose name shall remain silent--trust me, he knows who he is. Especially with the reasons why I won't say any names. I do know, however, that at some point I should find a codename for here. Because, of course, for the most part that's how it usually is within the Underground--codenames, and plenty of! But, for the moment, no names need be said. He knows who he is, and that is plenty enough. Anyways... yeah. I'm just trying to make time now. Time that for the longest time was lost to a relationship that was broken between silence and distance. Time that for a while was lost to a war against an ex who to this day still deservs no respect. Time that, for so long, was lost to life and all its problems, issues, heartaches, battles, headaches, and tears. I'm trying to make time...

it's so damn difficult to make time.

But, I want to make time. There are friends I haven't seen in a while, and there are those I want to see more often. There is so much I want to do, but unfortunately time and circumstance puts me at a disadvantage. Still, I will not falter, nor will I let it hurt me. I just have to make time, and I will.

Tonight, as I sit here, typing, updating on the twists and turns of my life... there is so much in my train of thought. I'm already thinking of another playlist. And I'm still putting my Halloween costume together. There is someone that I'm thinking of, that I'm missing right now. And there is a crazy long day I have to face tomorrow, with a Crew Meeting just before Kids Night tomorrow. There is so much to think about. However, I will not let these things overwhelm me. I am much stronger than I realise... sometimes my own inner strength almost scares me, I'll admit. But, it's surprising, really.

And so, in light of where I stand, and in light of my headstrong opinions on things, this is my song of the night [and where I got the title of tonight's entry from]:
"Stand or Fall"|The Fixx [Song of the Night]


With that all said, I think I am going to rest up for the eventide. Long day to face tomorrow--not like I'm not ready to face it. But, there has been a lot on my mind, probably a bit more than what-all I've mentioned here tonight. However, these are the main whims of the heart and mind tonight, and probably best that I just keep things to how I've got them here. In the end, my heart is my own--and whoever and whatever dwells within it, is for me to decide.

Standing for myself, and what my heart believes in
[which, mind you, is quite a whole lot!]...

~ me

Chapter 219 ~ Postcards from Paradise...?

Sooo... I'll be honest. I've had a rather hectic week. And 'hectic' is more an understatement than you'd realise. Now since I know there's some of you looking at this going, "Oh, we know. We've read the Facebook statuses and nonsuch..."

oh, no. You don't know. And only a small handful do. So I'm just going to summarise this week in a few sentences, maybe even a few words.

Monday was a nervewreck. Tuesday brought a break-up. And I didn't want to wake up on Wednesday [but I did for F.A.M. Night]. Yesterday was hell [and chocolate syrup on the work visor--don't ask, it ain't funny]. Today... today I'm tired.

Oh and, yes, you read proper. Tuesday night I broke up with Roboter, which I suppose was a while in coming but, it was only a matter of time after the fighting and silence. Now, please, no, don't feel sorry for me. Please. I don't want anyone's pity, nor do I care for it. Break-ups hurt on both ends of the wire, no matter how peaceful or chaotic the moment of shatter is. I'm not gonna lie--I'm okay, I'm a strong girl. But [and hear me out when I say this] break-ups are a bitch, plain and simple. Not like I don't miss him [eh, I do, but just a bit] but... this is for the best. Better to lose the relationship than to lose the friend.

As for yesterday, I suppose I can explain the chocolate syrup incident. Here's the sitch--I was in the Front Drive-Thru area, multitasking between taking orders and helping in making drinks. I was about to start making a Hot Chocolate, and I'd just put in the chocolate syrup and... I swear, I've no idea what the Helen of Troy happened but, between trying to avoid my coworker Mary's elbow, and my trying to pay attention between the drink and the order on the Speaker... the next thing I knew, *THUNK!!* the cup dropped from my grasp [damnit, how!?], hit the floor, and chocolate syrup went *everywhere*. Got my face and under the brim of my visor. Boy was that a laugh... well, Mary and I got a light laugh out of it, but the rest of the day [I'm not even gonna go there either] brought me to a crying fit with Manager Carlina in the Managers' Office. Yeah, yesterday was that bad.

So... that's just about the gist of things here on this front. That's the current State of this thing called Me. I'm just... bleah. Plain and simple. And it's even so much as affected me with my RP, as I'm really going through a rough Typist's Block right now, with another Typist conflict in the Forum which I am not going to go into. All I can say is, it's added to the slight bout of "Meh" that I'm in. So, yeah, all of a sudden... I don't feel so freckin' great anymore.

No, don't give me your pity. I don't want it.

~ me

Chapter 218 ~ Labor Day and a Long Week

Sooo, for those of us American Underground Citizens, Happy Labor Day!! Enjoy the day off [or short day, or just plain enjoy the day if you have to work]. Get some sun, chillax, and all that nonsuch!

Now, that done, a few updates are in order...

This is what this week looks like. No, don't take notes; just, pay attention, because for you fellow Frostwind typists, that's determing my RP time this week. Not to mention, it's a major slight loop. Y'all ready for this?

Today ~ Labor Day. Payday. Banks are closed [dang nabbit]. Worked 5 A.M.-2 P.M.

Tuesday 8 September ~ Work, 1-8 P.M., with Kids Night 5-8. Will be running a few errands prior to work.

Wednesday 9 September ~ WORK: 5 A.M.-1 P.M.; F.A.M. Nite resumes, 5:30-7:30 P.M. at the Church.

Thursday 10 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M., Crew Trainers Meeting 4-5 P.M., Daughters of the King meeting 7-8 P.M. at the Church.

Friday 11 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M. And hopefully some RPG time at long freckin' last!!

Saturday 12 September ~ D.O.K. Fall Assembly in Melbourne!!! *happy dances* This would pretty much be *the* big Daughters adventure of the year for me, and my first one since my Installation as Secretary last week. Yes, I will be taking lots of pics, and might even get to do a big ol' pic blogpost. Not sure as to when though, but when it's posted, trust me, y'all will know! *grin*

Oh and, just so everyone knows, Roboter DID apologise, and all has been sorted, so all is well again. Thankfully. Now we'll just have to see what happens; hopefully he'll be able to actually take the initiative for once and actually do something, like... oh, call or text me first? Well, as I said, we'll see what happens.

And on THAT bombshell, and For His Sake...

~ me

Chapter 217 ~ Some Small Self-Betrayal

So... just now... I sent someone a text... that I didn't want to send him that text but, that I wished him a Happy Birthday, that I was sorry, that I love him.

But, that's all I said, and that's... that's probably all he's going to get from me unless he opens up and stops shutting me away. I... I really didn't want to send him that text, mainly because I've been rather upset with him, and because I've been prefering to wait on HIM to do something. Anything. He's 27 years old for crying out loud...

*sigh* So tonight, I'm in the company of a few fellow RP typists... cue a special "Heylo!!" to the fellow Frostwind typists who are reading this. But anyway... tonight it's the only way I'm gonna have to keep from crying like an emo on a bad hair day. [Don't ask as to where the Helen of Troy I got that from.] Or from doing something stupid or irrational. Or God only knows what.

Also... Choir's back in the whimsical swing of things tomorrow morning, and Fam-Night at Church starts up again this Wednesday. Perhaps, with the mess of things that I've landed myself in, these will keep my mind distracted and my heart busy. Or is it my heart distracted and my mind busy? I am not sure... in all of this madness, I really don't know what else to do anymore.

I want to save this. I don't want to lose Roboter. So... what now? Because if I have to call him... just to talk and settle this... fair warning: the Red Flag's gone up. It's not going to be a most pretty talk... things might not even end well. And it hurts when I feel as if I've given more than I can give... I fear that, I have given enough. More than enough. I mean, I'm walking on eggshells and broken glass now just for his sake [I mean, not literally but, you get the idea]...

I just want him to understand what I'm going through.

Yes, I'm not perfect,
I'm annoying sometimes.
I can be rather irritating.
I can even be b!tchy
[but by damn, I give a fair warning].
I'm sometimes emotional,
I'm sometimes emotionless.
I'm a punk, and a princess.
I'm a sinner, and a saint.
I love... because it's better to love than to hate.

And I... I deserve better.

"I'm getting pretty tired of living on hope..."
["What About Love" - 'Til Tuesday]


Now, granted that I'm feeling much better now considering that I've actually vented, and considering the implications and circumstances, and bracing myself for the consequences of speaking out so loud and so out of turn... I am going to mend this
[shattered
smashed
bruised
cut-up,
slashed-up
gutted
hanged
burned
scarred
bleeding]
broken heart.

The Red Flag has been raised over my heart. I don't want that Flag over my heart. I want to mend things. But I can't if he won't let me. And if he's not going to let me... then I'm not going to try anymore. Fair warning.

Wanting to Fix What Had Been Broken
[and yet, bracing for the worst]...
~ me

Chapter 216 ~ ...there. Better, but Still Missing.

Okay, after a few songs, and a few laughs [thankies much to my pal Berty for the YouTube of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus... and to you haters, sha'da'hey'up!!], and a LOT of ranting to my friends... I am feeling better. However, I still feel rather hollow within, and I think I realise why. The only problem is... does he? Will he? Because I've already pissed off enough people, and the last thing I need to feel is that I've pissed off the one person I love, enough for him to not even... so much as forgive me.

So there, I've said it. I'm still broken, and it's gonna be a while before I regain the last of the missing fragments of what is known as Me, before I can be my regularly-scheduled self again. Of course... unfortunately, the Month of Chaos is also in effect... yep... you know what time of the year it is. One month to my Birthday... and that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

*sigh* So... I guess the only thing I can say now is,

Happy Birthday, Roboter. I love you. I'm sorry.

And if he can't even so much as let me know as to where I stand with him... then perhaps I am not worth his time, nor his heart.

No, I am NOT airing dirty laundry out [again, sha'da'hey'up], but... if I hold it all in, it's going to kill me. And since I really am tired of always having to call him... actually, I tried to call him Tuesday night, got sent straight to voicemail. I haven't tried to call him since... because... because I am tired. I am sick and tired of having to be the one getting stewed at. Because I am sick and tired of always having to be the one calling when something goes wrong between us, only to get shoved straight into voicemail. I'm sorry but, the last time I heard... IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!!!

*sigh* Okay... I think I've said my piece for the week. But now, things are crucial. And if this doesn't get through to him... then I fear that, I may have truly reached that unwanted crossroads.

I'm just... sick and tired of everything. Of the madness at work. Of the headaches of family life. Of the pointless politics. Of my fragile heart having to be in a damn limbo again.

Sooo... yeah... I guess what's been missing from this thing called Me... has been my heart. It's a sickening epiphany, given the conversations I've had this week with everyone. However, I am sick and tired of pretending that everything's fine when it's not.

Yes, Roboter--I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! TRUST ME!!

--sorry, yes, I needed to use the Caps Lock. I needed to scream. To cry. To stop giving a damn about feeling like a damn failure in trying to set things right. I'm... I'm tired...



The worst feeling in the world is to not be forgiven. And as a friend told me earlier [thank ya's Mel'roonie],

Well this may sound very stereotypical, but if he REALLY loves/cares about you, he'll forgive you. Because we ALL know that we're just human, and we're all gonna say/do things we dont mean, or make mistakes. One can only hope that the other person will give us the chance to be forgiven. As long as you apoligized, really thats all you can do, unless you wanna be all sappy and do something crazy like play the guitar on his front lawn.

By the way, playing guitar on his front lawn... that's not going to happen. Be sappy, me? Yeah, I'll be sappy, I'll even mope for maybe a week. But sitting on the front lawn playing the guitar? Uh... no. Not happening. But y'all get the idea.

To everyone reading this, I do NOT really want you guys to take sides. Don't. That might make matters worse. But... just... hear me out [or read me out, but y'know what I mean]... because I'm sitting here crying as I type this. And when I'm done typing I am going to bed, I am going to cry myself to sleep, and wake up to take on the whole bloody world again tomorrow. God forbid I piss anyone else off... I've already caused enough crap for the week. And I really don't need anymore madness crashing down all over me... I don't need it.

*sigh* Okay. I am... I guess... a bit better.

I can only hope now that Roboter enjoys his Birthday tomorrow, for what-all it's worth. It's his day... he should be happy about it. It's his day...

Trying to Repair the Broken Pieces
[and getting my fingers cut in the process]...
~ me

Chapter 215 ~ Missing...

Today, after a rather rough week, and not even cheerful in the midst of Choir starting up again and my being Secretary of my D.O.K. Chapter... part of me feels missing. Terribly missing. I don't feel sound, I am not myself. And it hurts. This heart is breaking in the worst possible manner. It... it sucks. It really does. And mind you, it's one month to my 26th Birthday and, to be honest with y'all, I am not really looking forward to it, given the way things have been this past week.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I'm just tired. Sick and tired of damn near everything. Part of me wants to scream "Bah f@#king humbug!" and yet, I can't. And between the health-care controversy with the so-called "death panels" [yes, I heard plenty enough about it] and the headache and a half at work [especially with tensions rising, big time, between Manager Carlina and myself] AND perhaps the worst bout of a broken heart... I've come this close to screaming that I've damn-near had it.

*sigh* The longest month of the year has begun. Lovely.

Sooo, for those of us who's missing some part of ourselves... including myself... this is dedicated to us empty souls.
*Song of the Week*
"One of Our Submarines" ~ Thomas Dolby


Trying to find that missing piece of...
~ me

Chapter 214 ~ What Have I...?

In the immortal words of the Pet Shop Boys, what have I done to deserve this?

Welcome to September, fellow Underground Citizens. Unfortunately, it's rained most of the day, and Kids Night tonight was a borderline disaster. Add a conversation with Roboter that ended on a sour note--MY FAULT [I mean that]. Needless to say... I want to cry and yet, I can't. All I feel is... glum. Just, glum.

As if the day wasn't bad enough, I ended it on the worst note possible. My words got me into trouble with Roboter. I didn't mean to be so crass to him... *sigh*

I think tonight... when I finally do get to cry, I'm gonna cry for what-all it's worth. I just hope Roboter realises that, I had a bad day, and I never meant to take it out on him. Or anyone, for that matter. But with what-all I just got myself into, I don't think I'm quite so excited about Choir Practice tomorrow night anymore... let alone the Installation of Officers in the D.O.K. on Thursday Night... when I'll be installed as Secretary for my Chapter...

*sigh* Where the hell did I put the Kleenix?

~ me

Chapter 213 ~ Decisions of the Heart

So yesterday afternoon was well spent with two of my *newfound* best friends [yes Kit and Sissy-Boo sorta got replaced], and as I got back home last night after hanging out with them some 6-7 hours, and had just answered Roboter's text from 4:some-odd P.M. and not heard from him since, it got me thinking. A lot. And perhaps more about my priorities than much else.

That said, I have come to a proper decision--first and foremost, my main priority, my loyalty is to God, and GOD ALONE. No one else has top priority, and yet everyone else wants to take that position. Unfortunately, I will confess, I have been finding my first month as a Daughter slightly difficult [and then again being a child of God's never easy to begin with], and it doesn't help much that my mind's been a bit sidetracked. Work, family, Roboter. And not a lot of time for friends--especially my RPG family in Frostwind. And yet, I need even more time for God, and that alone isn't easy. So with this I will be reaffirming my duty to God as a Daughter of the King, and while getting back on track ain't gonna be easy, I refuse to give up on the work that must be done on Earth, while I still have time.

My second priority, is family. Sunday nights should be spent with family, dinner and such. Unfortunately the past couple of weeks since I returned from vacation has seen me slacking in my duties as the oldest of four children, mostly due to the fact that, there hasn't been enough time or the circumstances just weren't there. I need to bring myself back to proper basics, and that means more time spent with family. Dad, [Step]Mom, Small Lady and Jester all miss me. I miss them as well, and will do my best to make up for lost time with my family. For all I know, they're the family I have now.

My third priority, I have realised last night, belongs to that of my friends and, this includes those in my extended circle of Starian Knighthood--Pouncer, Skater, Rainbow Punk, Lin-Lin, Sora-chan, Echo, Revolver: If y'all ever read this, THIS INCLUDES YOU TOO!! It has been far too long for some of us [Echo, Sora-chan... two years at least, anyone?], and I know it's been even longer since I last saw Revolver [dude, you owe me a visit, remember? lol]. I can only hope that, somehow, I can keep in touch with the extended circle of StarKnights; occasionally I talk with Pouncer, and every now and then I'll run into Skater somewhere in town. Lin-Lin still is and will always be my Second-in-Command, been that way since the StarKnights were assembled. And hopefully Rainbow Punk is STILL somewhere in the vicinity of the area... God willing and the creek don't rise...

I've also officially, as of last night, included my RPG extended family in Frostwind, especially since I have five characters [2 Nephilim, 2 Garou (werewolves), 1 Corax (were-raven technically but he turns into a bluebird)], and FW has become my only actual creative output. Between the storylines I've taken part in ["Flight of the Harpy" anyone?] and the many ways I've made use of my artsy skills with the GIMP, and not to mention my recent being a part of the Typist Mediation Committee... yes, that has been what my creativity has been swirling into as of lately. It hasn't been easy either, especially with my work schedule and all, but it has been my only main way to express myself in a way that won't make me feel so weighed-down by everything else. In all honesty, I am an RPG veteran of some 7 years, but I've never found myself more creative now than ever, in the 4 months since I "arrived" in Frostwind.

My fourth priority, is work. Yes, my schedule is a bit of a mess right now [and don't even begin to ask what this week upcoming looks like either!], but I make the best of it. It's not like I get to leave on time--I don't count on that anymore. 1 o'clock P.M.? Me out on time? Forget it. Not while we're still slammed from Lunch Rush, and that's fine. But I try to sleep when I can, which is another big part of this priority, because of the time I'm usually in at work [5 A.M.] especially. I haven't really slept a lot since I returned from vacation [yes, I *will* get to a vacation '09 post in a few days or so, still have to sort out the rest of the pics and finish getting caught up on everything else], and that's mainly because a lot has happened at work, which in a sense affects me. So basically, I'm still out of the loop, and on top of that I have a meeting Thursday afternoon at 3 P.M. [omg, when was the last time there was an actual team-leader/crew-trainer meeting? yeah, if i don't remember then it's been *that* long...] so, time will be very limited between 1 P.M. and the D.O.K. meeting at 7.

My fifth priority, is Roboter. And this I placed last, and I'll explain why. It's hard to find any heart in an otherwise heartless world. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I really do. But sometimes one falls under the whim of lust... and as of this past April, since the visit, I've come to realise that, I am highly anxious and half-past-ashamed of myself when the thought of lust crosses my mind. Yes, I love him. No, I don't think of him *that* way anymore--for one, his visit back in April, has affected me. Big time. I mean, I did all I could, tried and failed, to get him out of his state of anxiety. When he's in that mood, I am not. And I haven't been in a while, to be honest. Especially with my new responsibility as a Daughter, and I can't... I can't get myself to think of him in that way. Yes, the visit has affected me *that* much. It's hard to even talk on the phone or even answer a text, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I'll end up saying something to trigger his being in the mood. Words are one thing--actions are something else altogether. The closest I ever get to any sort of lust-esque mood, is when I'm RP'ing in Frostwind [and that only happened once, BEFORE I became a Daughter, thank you very much]. And yes, he's sorta nitpicked on me a bit about my being online more than talking with him. The main problem is... my feelings for him have changed somehow. My sexuality has been well-subdued between the visit and my becoming a Daughter, big time. I mean, yes, I'll have the occasional minor glimpse into that side of me, which nowadays, when I look back on it I think of the exes, and I almost want to rip myself apart at that. All of this and more... as you can see, this is why I actually haven't noted much on Roboter, and while things are a bit back to normal [back to work and the busy rush of life], it's not the same anymore. I just have a hard time wanting to call him, having to debate within my own nerves about it. I... I can't get around to doing it. And when I do try to call him, the timing ends up wrong. Somehow... I'm afraid I have reached a standstill in the relationship because of this, and I don't know what the Helen of Troy to do about it.

I love him. I just don't dream of him in such a manner that would degrade my soul anymore, is what-all I'm trying to say. And this is something I will have to deal with, and soon, I'm afraid. I mean, I can't subject myself anymore to such wanting to just... to just rip my soul at the seams just because of something called lust. But I need to make a better example of myself, and if I am to think of my priorities better, I have been and must continue to think proper thoughts of my duties instead of thoughts that would've cooperated with his minor bouts of the lustful state of human nature. Because if I did... I would have said something that I would've badly disciplined myself for later. I don't even look back on past phonecalls borderlining on this anymore... I have realise, This isn't how a Daughter would think on someone she loved. I just wish I knew how to approach this... perhaps this is the best--no, this is the ONLY way I can address it; I have been so afraid for so long to address this--especially since it was ME who started on all of this a good handful of months ago. [Yes, borderline-confessional here, now sha'up.] I can only hope now to God above that he understands this, and as to why he has been last on my small list of priorities proper.

I feel a lot better after this little confessional of the heart. It's difficult to be me now. I wear a silver Cross of a religious Order, take on the world in a Drive-Thru, and try to make a better example of myself somehow. Yes, I know I can pull it all off and still be a loyal family member, friend, and girlfriend; however, it is not easy when society tries to have its way with me. Yes, I've had one hell of an illustrious past, I won't lie. I'm not perfect--I'm as much as good as the next sinner. However, that doesn't mean I can't try to be a better person; I sometimes hate myself for being imperfect, but it's not so bad to the point that I'll end up wanting to end my life. No, it's not that drastic, nor anywhere near it, and that is why I'm saying what I'm saying now. In a sense, I am a post-modern Mary Magdalen, a post-modern Margaret Cortona. This is my confession, this is my penance for being neglectful to my duties, my responsibilities. My priorities. And I need to get my behind back on track.

At the moment, these are my main priorities. I know, some of you might get upset at the way I prioritize, and that is fine, it doesn't affect me all that much. If I didn't prioritise my life the way I did--God, family, friends, work, Roboter--then, somehow, I would've really lost it altogether. I can't do this anymore. In fact, I've lost sleep over that, my lack of priorities as well as losing sight of which priority was most important.

So, in closing... I'm going to pray this. When y'all read this, please... think kindly of me...

Eternal God, you created me in your image to live in harmony with all creation, but I have strayed from your laws and commandments. My sins againsgt my neighbors have brought disharmony into your kingdom. My silence does not witness to your love. I pray, God have mercy on me and forgive my transgressions. I will be restored by your grace to live life in peace and to the honor and glory of your holy Name. Amen.

F[or] H[is] S[ake...] ~ me

Chapter 212 ~ For His Sake...

So, things entirely improved with Roboter and I. Surprisingly, after all was said and done, especially considering this, the mark of 8 weeks full of studying, lots of praying, and perhaps the longest month full of grief leading up to this.

Yesterday, summed up in one picture:

So, yes, that IS my Cross. I am officially a Daughter of the King now. Imagine my tears and thrill when Roboter congratulated me over the phone. After the longest month, the biggest encouragement is when you're surrounded by friends and loved ones when you take up that Cross. And it's not going to be easy being a Daughter--it never is when you're a Child of God. But, God is in my corner, and I shall be as best diligent as possible in my perseverance of upholding my lifelong vow of Prayer, Service and Evangelism. I'm sure there'll be some people who just won't comprehend it, and I'm sure there'll even be some people against it--perhaps even upset--with the decision I have made and the step I have taken. Yes, I'm a post-modern day nun, and the only mark I have to show it, really, is that very Cross... which right now is pinned on my uniform. [Yes, it's a pin/pendant. How cool is that?]

So, I'm still celebrating the fact that I've taken a big step in my Christian path. Whoever said punks can't be Daughters just got PWN'd...!

*sigh* I'm quite happy. These past three days have gone rather interesting but, all in all they've been the best three days [Saturday, yesterday and today] in a long while. The few that know of my being a Daughter [even though I wanna tell it to the whole freckin' world!!!] have been whimsically humored enough to share in my joy.

I can't help but be happy. Very, very happy. And I can't help but share that joy around.

And on that bombshell... until the next round,
and For His Sake...

~ me

Chapter 211 ~ Untold Joy: A letter to Roboter

Roboter... if you EVER do find this...

...where... where are you?

We haven't talked in days. It seems almost like forever, the last time I told you I loved you. But now, I don't know where you are... you won't tell me anything. I don't know what to do... because you're what stands in the way of an otherwise good week. Hell, I've been looking forward to this weekend...

Today, busy day at work. And yet everything went so well. I wish I could tell you all about it. But... no... not a single word from you.

Tomorrow... I'll be a Daughter of the King. I'll be bravely wearing my Cross of the Order. I might even take pictures. I...

I want to tell you all about this. But... I can't, because you won't let me.

This little Captain's life is at a quiet standstill. I went through so much, sacrificed as I could, to scrape time for us. And now... oh, I have time.

I HAVE TIME.

But now... I don't have you. Why...

why?

Was it something I said, something I did? Did Siren, that jerk... did he say something, did he do something? Did something happen? I don't know... I DON'T KNOW. And I can't fix whatever happened--if it can even be fixed--because you won't let me. Because I don't know.

*sigh* I don't know what to do... as this is now the one matter that brings down an otherwise joyous occasion such as tomorrow.

So, that all being said, I will put matters this way:

I am done worrying. Unless you want to see me cry, half-sickened to death just because of a good long time of silence. I have things to concern myself with, and the few friends who DO know of this, because of my being able to let them know of such... they are now the lifeline that you once were.

If you want to talk, I don't care what it's about, you have my number.

I feel better now, saying what needs to be said. Roboter, I don't know what's going on... I wish I knew. I wish you'd tell me. But since you won't... and because I've tried time and again, all in vain, to get a hold of you... then I will not press this further. Whenever you need me, you know where I am.

I'm sorry. And I love you.

~ me

Chapter 210 ~ How the hell!?

Yes, I know, I still need to put together a now-belated Thursday Tradition but, as this week has been a major thorn in my nerve... yeah. Between the fact that Sissy-Boo is no longer working, and having found out yesterday of two different yet still shocking news [which I will address, by the way], and with work being a totally chaotic situation now, I am just plain stressed out. With that comes the lack of enthusiasm for yesterday's Tradition spotlighting on Oasis, I didn't even have time to sort out the discography together at all! Sooo... yeah. Just so you all know, I will be posting the Tradition sometime this weekend, hopefully by then I should be better sorted.

First of yesterday's news to be addressed, a good Jewish friend of mine passed away a couple of weeks ago. His widow, back in December for Hanukkah, gave me a Star-of-David pin, which I proudly wear because of my Jewish friends, as well as my Jewish stepdad. This weekend however, I wear it in my friend's memory. I mean, I knew he wasn't doing very well, he'd been ill for a while but... I didn't think it was this bad. Hearing about his passing really broke my heart.

The second of yesterday's news to be addressed is, my best friend Kit is moving. To Michigan. With her boyfriend. And, don't get me wrong--I'm happy for her. But... why? Why? After not hearing from her in so long, and even during Roboter's visit, we hardly even hang out anymore. To hear from her again... at first I thought she wanted to hang out with me, which I was all for and everything. But then when I read her text... oh my God... I wanted to cry... and I still haven't had a chance to cry, because inasmuch as I want to cry, for some ungodly reason, I just can't.

Work has been hell since Sissy-Boo's 'resignation'... I have to work next Wednesday through at least Sunday 24 May. I have a very sick feeling in my gut that my Sundays may end up into the work slaughter.

Losing my two best friends to two different situations, and the recent passing of another death, and stress at work... all of a sudden I'm just not excited for my four days off anymore.

And on that... --oh hell. Never mind. I'm really not in a grand mood. Never mind about that bombshell... *sigh*

~ me

P.S. A warm welcome to my fellow roleplaying typists from Frostwind. Yes, I will get around to posting something about Frostwind at some point...

Those not quite in the loop... don't worry. You'll know.

Chapter 209 ~ And as if that wasn't enough...

Sooo... drama ensued. For one, let my little introduction be as follows...

Saturday afternoon I was asked to work yesterday morning, 5-9 A.M., which I did. Sissy-Boo was supposed to be in at 5 but, she wasn't. I didn't question though.

Now, the reality and result of that was...

I should have.

Turned out, much hell ensued after I'd left on Thursday. I should've known something worse would've gone on throughout the day--it was hell enough to begin with, and of all days it was National Day of Prayer. But, our friendly neighborhood Inspector [who's pretty cool with me, mind you] paid Store Manager Joel and Supervisor Chris a visit... and Inspector wasn't happy. Or so I heard from one.

Meanwhile Manager Rabbit had been sending orders left, right and center to Back Drive-Thru, where Sissy-Boo was taking over for me after I'd left. And, needless to say, and as I told Coworker Anne, "Rabbit broke her." Broke her spirit, broke her nerve. Between that, the stress, and the three outside the Drive-Thru... Sissy-Boo snapped.

According to Sissy-Two, she called and said she "resigned."

And, here comes the intricate piece of the matter--Sissy-Three [yes, another Sissy I've adopted] told me that Inspector had told her, and I quote, "Don't tell Sunny yet." Perhaps because... he probably knew how I was with everyone. How I would've felt a bit fragile, helpless and hurt inside for a while if I found out. And that's the state of how I've been for the better part of the day. That and stressed out, because I ended up staying a couple of hours extra. I am rather exhausted at this point.

Sooo... that's been the current state of matters on my end, work wise. I miss Sissy-Boo already, and what makes matters worse is that her phone's been turned off. She won't answer Sissy-Two or Kels' phone calls or texts, so on top of missing her I'm also worried about her. I don't know what else to do other than to prayerfully put her in God's hands now; I just hope she's okay.

*sigh* I guess some things probably should've been delayed knowing about after all. Inspector was right giving Sissy-Three that advice... she shouldn't have told me yet.

And on that bombshell... until the next round...

...meh.

~ me

Chapter 208 ~ A Slight Minor Conflict...

Well, that did it. Siren has forced my hand, so I'm giving everyone a fair warning.

If I, for the next handful of days, seem rather tense or upset, and I snap for some ungodly reason and not mean to [which, hey, it's gonna happen unfortunately], or if I even go off the handle... it's his fault. Because now, he's not only no longer a StarKnight... he's what I would consider an enemy to the Union and the Underground.

So, just... be careful with what he says or does, everyone. Because... well, remember Chapter 205? When I noted this...

Oh and... I am officially happy to say that, Siren has FINALLY realised that, there is no such thing as a second chance for him! Oh don't get me wrong--do y'all have any damn clue as to just how long it's taken for him to realise the fact of the matter that, I don't love him anymore! At all! But he sure wanted to try to throw some two cents early on last week before trying to pursuade me to consider that second chance. And I'm sure he must've thought I wasn't serious when I told him "No" at least three times... but, as I haven't heard from him since Monday afternoon, when I told him that I don't trust him with my heart anymore [which, as y'all know, is SO true], I think it's safe to say that I finally got through to him. That, as of now, has been the biggest accomplishment of the time Roboter was here, hands down, because Roboter was there to help keep my chin up through it all.

Well... wait... or was it Chapter 202? I think everyone remembers Chapter 202 [a.k.a. 'Temperance'] quite well...

In any case, I've now resorted to the StarKnight Commander to take action. Yes, Roboter has finally gotten involved with this situation as my reenforcements. Siren's caused enough risen hell, and I do believe I am much too young to have to suffer from high blood pressure simply because the ex has been causing unnecessary drama.

In fact... I based that little 'Commander' part on my Starian Union [my creations... you know, Setsuna and the gang...]; Seiya [Roboter's S.U. counterpart] is the Commander of the Union, and subject alone to Princess [or rather Empress] Setsuna. It's so interesting. *LOL* If you somewhat remember last April's post about the returning Starian Union [by that it's Chapter 112, fellow Citizens]... well, roles have changed. As well as the main team. Sooo...

Here we have the new main Team. The Starian Union's been given a proper reworking...

Core team: Team Angelos
Also known as:
- The Empress' Brigade
- The Commander's Legion--
~ Setsuna / Empress and Captain of the Starian Union
~ Sakura / Prime Minister of the Starian Union
~ Hikaru [Hikari] / StarKnight Angelos [Guardian Angel StarKnight]
~ Haruka / Guardian of new Starians
~ Ryo'oki [Okonomiyaki/Miyaki] / Guardian of the Keys of Time
~ Kaguya / Guardian of the Royal Library / Commander Seiya's Guardian
~ Seiya / Commander of the Starian Union

Scion Union [Guardian StarKnight Legion]--
~ Ki'oh / Scion Angelos *original StarKnight Angelos, gave powers to Hikaru*
~ Kaioh / Scion Druid
~ Sorata [Sora] / StarKnight Vampire *original Guardian of Royal Cemetary, commissioned Seiya as new guardian for a time but proudly resumed guardian duties after seiya was appointed commander*
~ Himeko / Scion Halo *replacing Kaguya in the Scion Union*

Canterburian Union--
~ Kotoko / Choir Librarian of the Cathedral
~ Tenshi'uta [Tenshi] / Choirmaster of the Cathedral
~ Megumi / Deaconess, future Bishop of the Anglican Chapter of the Union
~ Keisuke / Guardian of the Cathedral Library

Sooo, there y'all have it. The updated roster. Seems proper, don't you think?

This means, new storyline for the newly-redone Union. I am rather excited for this.

Maybe that will be what I need to keep my mind intact throughout this new little, ahem, crisis...

And on THAT bombshell, until the next round...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #6!

Welcome [back] to the 90's!! Yep, that's the theme of this month's all four Thursday Traditions. And it kicks off today with Pearl Jam--whom, I'll admit, I wasn't really a big fan of much. But... they've grown on me now! [I even have a mix c.d. of 19 tracks of awesomeness to show for it!] So, they're probably the one grunge band that I won't tire of. And, they're still going.

That said, 10 of the proper musical gems by Eddie Vedder and the guys, Pearl Jam.

~ "Evenflow"


~ "Jeremy"


~ "Go"


~ "Daughter"


~ "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town"


~ "Corduroy"


~ "Hail Hail"


~ "Given To Fly"


~ "Wish List" *Song of the Week*


~ "World-Wide Suicide"


And there y'all have it--10 good tunes from Seattle's finest, Pearl Jam!

Enjoy the noise ~ next week it's all about Oasis, and the Random 20 returns in full force with this band whose music helped me survive middle school! This promises to be a lot of fun, so tune in next week for some of Manchester's finest!

And on that bombshell... until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 207 ~ Survival of the Dandiest

Oh yes... I am in a dandy, whimsical little mood. Especially as it's not helping much that the darn ex-boyfriend that is Siren is actually starting to piss me the ish off. For some of y'all on my AIM, seeing the status Happy-go-lucky in love..., well Siren decided to disrupt my workday and text me, of all things,

so you like me now whats up with you on aim

Yes, I refuse to edit any of that jerk's damn typos. I so refuse to do it.

It seems rather pathetic that, in my opinion, he just does not get it! At the moment I have to wonder, is he just *that* dense?

*sigh* There. Much better, I had to get that out of my system. Really.

And on THAT bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 206 ~ For the Goober

So I'm sure someone's gonna ask, "Who the ish and Impanema is the Goober?" Well, said Goober is my former Manager Josh, whose last day at work was yesterday. You see, he's leaving for the Navy... he heads out for Boot Camp later on this month. And I hate to be honest but, inasmuch as I hate the brat [he's 20], I really am gonna miss 'im. For one, who's gonna say something to get me on my last nerve? And on the other hand, who's also gonna say something an hour later to help keep the drive-thru momentum going?

He, in a sense, was a rather annoying "little brother" that I somewhat adopted. And then he became the younger "Big Brother" when he began training for Management. In my opinion, there've been some things he said and/or done that landed him on the "Oops, FAIL" side of matters, but I still think he tried his best in everything he did. And while I'm at it, he's done quite a few great accomplishments in his 5 1/2 years at the Store.

Yes, while we got on each others nerves... a lot... we had our moments. Things hadn't been easy since he was first helping me out in the Lobby when he started. But I think that, it's certain almost to say that we've become friends. Somewhat. Sure we still become each other's royal pain in the tailfeather, but that's to be expected I guess.

In any case, I will definitely miss the Goober. That damn brat!

And on that bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #5!

Alrighty then, gang. Before I get down to the tunage of the day, please, PLEASE excuse me and allow me to admit just how much of an absolute absent-minded ID10T I've been. To put it this way, everyone remembers I did the Thursday Tradition on Toad the Wet Sprocket last week, right? Well... does anyone remember Chapter 202? Aptly titled Temperance? Scroll down a bit, then scroll back up.



...okay, back? Good.

Because, yes... I posted the Spotlight on them. TWICE. >.< Epic FAIL on my part, and major apologies on a repeat performance, fellow Citizens of the Underground. That just about goes to show y'all just how much I was really paying attention between trying to update a blog and preparing for a visit from Roboter last Friday. Go me.

Now, that said, two bands have my almost-undivided attention this week inside the Tradition. One goes by the name of Better Than Ezra, the other goes by the name of Semisonic. This week there will be NO Random 20 Countdown. Instead it's gonna be ten tunes, five from each band as far as my favorites are concerned.

And with that, let's kick things back to the 90's a bit, shall we?

Band: Better Than Ezra ~
~ "In the Blood" *Song of the Week 1/2*


~ "Good"


~ "Rosealia"


~ "Normal Town"


~ "Desperately Wanting"


Band: Semisonic ~
~ "Delicious"


~ "Closing Time"


~ "Singing In My Sleep"


~ "Made To Last"


~ "This Will Be My Year" *Song of the Week 2/2*


Aaannnddd, there ya go, folks! Ten quality tunes from the 90's, which probably helped make this not so bad an era. *LOL* You know, I should make May's Thursday Traditions all 90's related, sooo: next week's Thursday Tradition spotlight will be on Pearl Jam!

Yes, Pearl Jam. I *am* a fan of Pearl Jam. What?

So, this is how I'm looking at it for the next month, Thursday Tradition-wise:
Thursday 7 May ~ Pearl Jam
Thursday 14 May ~ Oasis
Thursday 21 May ~ Radiohead
Thursday 28 May ~ The Verve

Yes, Pearl Jam, and then the three bands who shaped my school years. I am definitely looking forward to Thursdays this May!! [Which, by the way, starts tomorrow. Already!] In the meantime, enjoy the tunage! I have a funny feeling this is gonna be a fun twist to the Tradition in the coming weeks ahead...

And on that bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me