So there, I've said it. I'm still broken, and it's gonna be a while before I regain the last of the missing fragments of what is known as Me, before I can be my regularly-scheduled self again. Of course... unfortunately, the Month of Chaos is also in effect... yep... you know what time of the year it is. One month to my Birthday... and that's usually when all hell breaks loose.
*sigh* So... I guess the only thing I can say now is,
Happy Birthday, Roboter. I love you. I'm sorry.
And if he can't even so much as let me know as to where I stand with him... then perhaps I am not worth his time, nor his heart.
No, I am NOT airing dirty laundry out [again, sha'da'hey'up], but... if I hold it all in, it's going to kill me. And since I really am tired of always having to call him... actually, I tried to call him Tuesday night, got sent straight to voicemail. I haven't tried to call him since... because... because I am tired. I am sick and tired of having to be the one getting stewed at. Because I am sick and tired of always having to be the one calling when something goes wrong between us, only to get shoved straight into voicemail. I'm sorry but, the last time I heard... IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!!!
*sigh* Okay... I think I've said my piece for the week. But now, things are crucial. And if this doesn't get through to him... then I fear that, I may have truly reached that unwanted crossroads.
I'm just... sick and tired of everything. Of the madness at work. Of the headaches of family life. Of the pointless politics. Of my fragile heart having to be in a damn limbo again.
Sooo... yeah... I guess what's been missing from this thing called Me... has been my heart. It's a sickening epiphany, given the conversations I've had this week with everyone. However, I am sick and tired of pretending that everything's fine when it's not.
Yes, Roboter--I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! TRUST ME!!
--sorry, yes, I needed to use the Caps Lock. I needed to scream. To cry. To stop giving a damn about feeling like a damn failure in trying to set things right. I'm... I'm tired...
The worst feeling in the world is to not be forgiven. And as a friend told me earlier [thank ya's Mel'roonie],
Well this may sound very stereotypical, but if he REALLY loves/cares about you, he'll forgive you. Because we ALL know that we're just human, and we're all gonna say/do things we dont mean, or make mistakes. One can only hope that the other person will give us the chance to be forgiven. As long as you apoligized, really thats all you can do, unless you wanna be all sappy and do something crazy like play the guitar on his front lawn.
By the way, playing guitar on his front lawn... that's not going to happen. Be sappy, me? Yeah, I'll be sappy, I'll even mope for maybe a week. But sitting on the front lawn playing the guitar? Uh... no. Not happening. But y'all get the idea.
To everyone reading this, I do NOT really want you guys to take sides. Don't. That might make matters worse. But... just... hear me out [or read me out, but y'know what I mean]... because I'm sitting here crying as I type this. And when I'm done typing I am going to bed, I am going to cry myself to sleep, and wake up to take on the whole bloody world again tomorrow. God forbid I piss anyone else off... I've already caused enough crap for the week. And I really don't need anymore madness crashing down all over me... I don't need it.
*sigh* Okay. I am... I guess... a bit better.
I can only hope now that Roboter enjoys his Birthday tomorrow, for what-all it's worth. It's his day... he should be happy about it. It's his day...
Trying to Repair the Broken Pieces
[and getting my fingers cut in the process]...
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