Chapter 161 ~ Seriously, where's the Doctor when I really might need him?

Maybe, just maybe, he can wipe my memory clean of the one ex that, sadly, I would've hoped to somehow stay friends with but... it's impossible. I can't look at him anymore without my blood running cold. Big time. I'm clenching my fists halfway in rage even now as I'm typing this.

Those curious, it's Kaguya.

Now, this is your only warning, Underground Citizens--this is, possibly, THE Rant to end all Rants. Which means that chances are, there'll be a few choice expletives in this post. You've been warned and, y'all better be sitting down for this one...

Alright, ready? *deep breath* Okay.

Next month it'll be a year since the break-up. The first in a string of failures against Cupid throughout these past 11 months. Two more failures would follow, and all I can do is wish that I never met Kaguya. Seriously. I just want to erase him--permanently--from... well... ME.

So as of now he's been dating this girl for... what? 6 BLOODY MONTHS NOW?? *grr* Almost makes me want to seethe in half-outright rage. What the hell was she thinking seeing anything in that damn workaholic!? Sorry but, I pity her. I really, really do. And I can't figure out what the hell he sees in her that's not in me.

Oh.fucking.well. *insert eyeroll.* She's sooo pretty. [What? Like I'm not?]

When Siren broke up with me a month ago, somehow my anger against Kaguya just... boiled over [for a lack of better words]. At first, when he left last year, I was so upset to be unable to fix anything before he left. And then he returned in January, and one could've hoped that things would've been alright just being friends. But then, and now, we don't talk anymore. My hatred's gone so far as to not even acknowledge his presence anymore. And I don't want to acknowledge his presence anymore. Not while the fact that he's doing so much better than I at the moment, war versus Cupid-wise. And I'm sick of the fact that he's doing a thousand times better is making me fucking sick.

The sad part is, I know I'm a thousand times better than this. And that perhaps I really should've just erased him from my system so long ago. But when the damage he'd caused me, emotionally, runs deep in my blood, it's hard to. Part of me wants to tear myself apart and simply bleed if that ever could do anything for the matter. And most of me is wishing that, at the very least, I had never met him. That, right now, is the biggest regret of this past year--and I don't ever want to remember that again.

I know, I know--just mentioning all this now brings back everything--the memories, the pain. The anger. But right now this, I think that this is the only way I can fully, without fear, begin and succeed in what I should've started so long ago... to erase him from my being. To not think of him as anything of any meaning in my life.

I just want...
I just want to lose him.
I just want to care less about him.
I just want to move on,
to go about my day
without a single thought of him.
I don't ever want to think of him,
I just want to forget
that
he
ever
existed.
I just want to erase him from my life--
my worst regret,
my biggest mistake,
my darkest hate,
the so-called end of me.
I don't understand why he should ever bother caring about me. It's not like I care for him anymore. I DON'T. And I should've never let him get close to my heart. I should've never let him get hold of it, should've never trusted him with it. I should've known better. And I know better now. I should've back then if I had known he'd start the streak of failures and tears. Hell, I just survived my third fallout. But at the least I'm learning from my mistakes.

I think that, it's best that, well, I just forget all about him. And what better time to start than now?

I refuse--deliberately!--to believe that he's got the upper hand in this, that while I'm surviving fallout #3 in 11 months he's oh so fucking happy. Because I'm a helluva lot happier now that, a year since the fallout, he means absolutely NOTHING to me.

So to that particular ex who's made my emotional state a fucking mess this past year... I hate to do this all in a blogpost but, I can't find a proper way to find closure than this:

I hope you know, you have no place in my life anymore. Now fuck off. I'm finally over it.

In the meantime, Underground Citizens, I think a celebration is in order. And for the first song of the party, may I present this classic from Miss Siouxsie Sioux and her brilliant Banshees...


Song of the day ~ "Cities in Dust" - Siouxsie and the Banshees [download].

You know, I haven't felt this good since the great rant about life some months ago. And this is definitely one thing I'll not regret.

The city of relationship regrets now lies in dust, my friends.

Until the next round, hopefully all the dust and ashes will be cleared by then...