I know that Christmas is only two days away, but this is my Christmas "broadcast" as, after today, I will be ridiculously, miserably busy. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Thursday is Christmas Day. Unfortunately I will be drop-dead stressed and tired to even try to enjoy the holiday. And it doesn't help that Store Manager Joel has scheduled the Christmas party at work for TOMORROW!! That doesn't start until 2 tomorrow afternoon; and on top of that I have to work at 5 in the morning anyway, which means after I clock out I gotta run across the street to Publix to get chips and either salsa or hummus. Which is what I signed myself up to bring anyway.
Mom also has to pick me up from my workplace, as I'm to be staying over at the parents' for Christmas [HEY! Robbie's always fcuking exempt from that; WTF gives, Mom!?]. Which means whatever laundry and packing-up I've needed to do tomorrow I have to get done tonight! And that includes packing up what I'll be wearing tomorrow night AND Christmas Day.
Hold up--which reminds me: Mom [or Dad] is dropping me off tomorrow evening at the Choir Room for Christmas Eve service rehearsal. That's at 9 P.M., with the service starting with the Choir singing for half an hour at 10:30 P.M., and by the time I'm back at the parents it'll be 1 A.M. Christmas freckin' morning.
And, with my luck, my little brother and sister will be waking me up six hours later with, Jenn, time to wake up and open presents! So I'll be next to comatose AND miserable about it all. Christmas Morning service at 10 A.M., possibly back at the parents' for another hour or two after that, and then finally HOME. *sigh* And with all hopes that Roboter's Christmas present and mine for him have arrived on freckin' time. And then it's back to work on Friday [we're closed for Christmas], for that and the next two days at least, so I'll have to miss another Sunday of Church quite like I did this past Sunday.
So yes, needless to say, by the time it's all over, Christmas will have come and gone, and I will have had no chance in hell to celebrate it. Basically, it's going to be anything but merry for me. And this is my only opportunity to send out a Christmas blogpost before I get stormed for the season.
My only wish is that, everyone has a wonderful time, in spite of the circumstances, in spite of whatever wrong could be going on in the world in this season.
*sigh* I'm sorry, but it's being very difficult to be happy when it's Christmas, this time around. To be honest, I've felt like crying all afternoon. And I have. But it doesn't seem enough to cry just once; I've constantly been fighting tears that's been building up from frustration, from stress--from work, from the family, from... from life. LIFE! Enough to just break me down... inside, it just hurts. Never mind the fact that I dyed my hair purple this week, or that Hanukkah started wonderfully on Sunday night. Never mind the fact that the only presents I've been able to handle were Christmas cards and a Scrapbook I slaved myself tremendously for. Never mind the fact that I can't even slow down enough to enjoy the holiday because of the deaths that took its tolls on me, people that I know whose tables will be missing someone because the Great Presence that is Death. Never mind the fact that... that I just don't feel happy, at all, for Christmas, no matter how hard I try!
Never mind the fact that words can't even express just how I feel right now.
So, this song, I'm sending it out to all of you. I know I shared the Pretenders' version last week but, I think... this version seems proper for the season. If ever, while you hear this, your heart should tug, if ever tears should well up in your own eyes, if ever your memories overwhelm... let the tears fall. I'm right there with you, because the pain is different but the wish is still the same. Maybe the tears are for different reasons on our ends but, if ever your heart shares my same sorrow, then shed a tear. But never mind me--
I'm just someone trying to muddle through somehow...
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" - James Taylor
From my heart, from the heart of the Underground,
to your hearts and those of yours,
the Happiest of Holidays, the Merriest of Christmases.
~ Jenn ["Sunshine"]
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