Tomorrow marks the anniversary of when my world started to shatter. No matter how hard I try to shun the memory of my ex Kaguya away, it all falls down to this. And everything that happened between now and then, I'm thinking of this in the form of an Anglican Rosary--a Rosary of Tears in this case.
By the way, in case you're asking, this is what an Anglican Rosary looks like:
So, following the diagram around... the way a Rosary's usually prayed, I'm going to recount the Tears, if you will.
Starting at the very bead right above the cross, there stands me, about to start the path through the Tears. Right above, the First Heartache--Kaguya. Then seven smaller beads follow, seven more Tears to cry between then and the Second Heartache, Hikari. Seven more memories of tears later, the Third Heartache, not too long ago: Siren. Between Heartaches 2 and 4, 10 of the smaller Tears stand for the 10 of my friends who've lost a loved one--family or pet--since April.
The Fourth Heartache is yet to come, but draws very, very near, and those small Tears after that are the Tears to come--between now and my Quarter-Centennial, in about a month and a week or so from now. And, well, it's a bit of new situation that I don't know... well... just HOW in the world I came to face this.
Something's happened to Roboter--and I can't put my finger on it, and it seems that there's nothing I can do to help him. We haven't talked since early Saturday morning, and judging from the text he *finally* sent me Sunday he's probably dealing with stuff that, emotionally, is getting to him.
So of course, am I to worry? Uhm... hell yeah.
At the moment, I'm taking the advice of last night's fortune cookie, which I saw BEFORE I faced the rainbow:
Restrain yourself from intruding into other's buisinesses.
So... well... I guess, I haven't talked to him since Friday. I only sent him a text letting him know that I'm thinking of him and that I hope he's alright. But otherwise I've decided to let him be for a while. When he's ready to talk, or if he ever needs someone to talk to, he knows I'm never too far, somehow.
But still, it hurts. To feel like I'd been a year ago. In a sense, alone. And with Roboter, I don't know what to do. It seems that, for a second time, life's kinda taken him away from me. Again. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except to look back on some of the posts from last October, back when I codenamed him Antenna [because back then Roboter was Ralf of Kraftwerk! *lol*]. But... I still wonder...
DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG, THAT HE ISN'T TALKING TO ME NOW!?
But for now, I guess, I can only wonder, What did I do? Why won't he talk to me? Could anything have been done to fix things, whatever the situation? How could 10 months of talking fall apart in one weekend of silence?
*sigh* I've spent the last three days [Saturday thru Monday/yesterday] worrying myself quietly about him. And I don't know what's wrong or why or... well... nothing.
I don't know. Maybe it is my fault.
So, for the part of me that, somehow, still belives... despite the Rosary of Tears...
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
"Baby, I've changed. Please come back."
What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there's somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
You can get out of the rain
In a New York Minute
Everything can change
In a New York Minute
~ "New York Minute" - Don Henley
At the moment this is all I can find, YouTube-wise, until I get the song up, as it's the Song of the Week for this week.
Tonight is Dr. Rickman's 25th-anniversary Concert at Stetson. And, I did fail to mention two things that happened recently:
Tabbsy's uncle passed away two weeks ago today. That's why the death toll is at 10.
1 lost her uncle.
2 lost their fathers.
1 lost her mother.
1 lost her brother.
1 lost his niece.
2 lost their husbands.
2 lost their pet dogs.
May her uncle's soul and all the souls of the faithful departed, by the mercy of God, rest in peace eternal. + Amen.
And, last week [20 August] was Ralf from Kraftwerk's birthday, and because of the storm I'd completely forgotten until Roboter reminded me. But still. A song should've been due. And I'm somewhat at fault for forgetting that. So I do apologise for the tardiness of both newsbits.
Alrighty. Time for me to go get ready for Dr. Rickman's Concert. And I still gotta reblue my hair. I doubt I'll have time for that though. That... that's not good news, is it?
*sigh* Part of me really, really wants to cry right now. And trying to be a brave StarKnight Captain in the face of anything, in a sense, I can't. But tonight, this week... I just know I will. I saw the rainbow, the Harbinger of Bad News. And I'm anchoring down to whatever's left of... well... anything to hold on to.
Oh and, the new section of the ceiling over my stove's got a leak in it too. Fucking hell.
Okay, I think I'll go and have a good cry about how screwed up my 25 years alive have really become...
*sigh* Until the next round, boys and girls...
~ me.
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