Me and Cupid: mortal enemies since my birth.
As far as relationships go, the number one reason why guys break up with me [and I say this because the only time I broke up with someone was because I got cheated on!!] is, "Let's just be friends." And then they find someone who they *possibly* end up spending their happily-ever-after with. And where the hell does that leave me?
Simple. Bitter, cynical, and pretty effin' pissed.
The worst bit is that, with the exception of that one time, it happens with EVERY RELATIONSHIP I END UP IN!! And it hurts. It's the worst feeling in the world. I hate it.
I guess, I'll never really see the love I bled out of my heart really returned to me. Except maybe in very small doses but... let's be real.
What are the odds--what are the actual odds--that there really is someone out there for me? To hell with this, I'd rather never let anyone get close to me again. Just that, I don't mean to be cynical or negative about it but, it's true. This is the unfortunate reality that I have to face every single fucking day that I breathe. It's worth enough tears to drown this planet. I'll be as bitter and as distant as I wish to be, thank you so very much.
I hate watching happy people in love sometimes. It just... it just saddens me more, embitters me. I try to overrun the odds, turn the tables. And it backfires.
All the while, Cupid challenged me to find someone. Someone who'd love me for me, that I could love for him. And then, Cupid turns the tables, causes the strings of life to tangle with the string that ties up hearts. The boyfriend lets me go, finds the one he was meant to be strung up with. Cupid laughs at me in triumph. And where does that leave me?
Simple. In the reject pile with all the losers.
I'm sure that you'll recover - you're a smart, tough, beautiful girl. Don't let this make you think that you're worth any less - it's nothing that you did wrong, just circumstances didn't work out.
That was what my ex wrote me last Monday. But... does he realize...
no, he'll never realize. Because he'll never understand.
Smart? Yes, but come on. Right now my intelligence is being put to decent use trying to type coherent sentences while NOT BREAKING DOWN INTO TEARS!!!
Tough? I suppose but... let's face it. I'm not as tough as I thought I was. I'm not as tough as either of us thought.
Beautiful? I am really doubting it. I get stuck having to swat away the scary sorts that want to do all sorts of creepy crap to me [remember the mexican incident earlier this week, on monday, changeover?].
And anyway, all the good guys are either taken, or they just don't give a damn.
So don't tell me that all is possible, that love is real. Love is only meant for those who are lucky, not for the ones who stand different against the world. Cupid's intention: to make Sunshine unlovable no matter how sweet she is. And news flash: the little winged bastard is succeeding. Badly.
Excelsians, let's all be realistic: I was meant to be the friend, never the loved.
And that's the worst reality that I can ever face.
...I think I'm gonna go home and cry for a while. I'm really starting to find more reasons to be cynical and less hopeful for my future...
My circumstances will never work out. I suppose my ex is right.
~ Jenn
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