Chapter 269 ~ Yep... it must be Throwback Thursday...

Y'all know what time it is...

1) "Turbo Lover" - Judas Priest.
2) "Luno" [Bloc Party vs. Death From Above 1979 remix] - Bloc Party.
3) "We Never Change" - Coldplay.
4) "Messages" [Peel Sessions version] - OMD.
5) "Let Me Go" - Heaven 17.
6) "Time and Time Again" - Counting Crows.
7) "Feathers-Oars-Blades" [BBC Sessions version] - Cocteau Twins.
8) "So In Love" [Live - Saturday 17 September 2011] - OMD.
9) "Only the Young" - Journey.
10) "Life's An Ocean" - The Verve.
11) "Fortress Around Your Heart" - Sting.
12) "Roller Coaster" - Jesus and Mary Chain.
13) "A Rush Of Blood To The Head" - Coldplay.
14) "Here Comes the Rain" - The Eurythmics.
15) "You and the Mona Lisa" - Shawn Colvin.
16) "Almost Gold" - Jesus and Mary Chain.
17) "Remember the Time" - Michael Jackson.
18) "Make It 'Till Monday" - The Verve.
19) "Sunday" [Dark Weekender Mix] - Exchange.
20) "Sometimes Always" - Jesus and Mary Chain.

#YoureWelcome!
~ me

Chapter 268 ~ Pardon the Disruption, Folks...

...and now, as I'm actually a day late, this week's Random 20.

1) "Contour" - Exchange.
2) "Ice-Pulse" - Cocteau Twins.
3) "Ch-Check It Out" - Beastie Boys.
4) "Hemorrhage [In My Hands]" - Fuel.
5) "Tour de France 03" [Long Distance Version 2] - Kraftwerk.
6) "It Must Have Been Love" - Roxette.
7) "Sonnet" - The Verve.
8) "Bloc Bloc Bloc" - OMD.
9) "She's Lost Control" - Joy Division.
10) "You & I" [Slow Rise Mix] - Delerium feat. Zoë Johnston.
11) "Tulips" [Minotaur Shock Remix] - Bloc Party.
12) "Darla Down the Automaton" - The Cog is Dead.
13) "China Girl" - David Bowie.
14) "Final Song" - OMD.
15) "F*ck You" - Cee-Lo Green.
16) "Let's Go Out Tonight" - The Blue Nile.
17) "Love and Pride" - King.
18) "The Boss" - Diana Ross.
19) "Shallow Then Halo" - Cocteau Twins.
20) "Simple Economics" - Pedro the Lion.

Preparing for an Ultreya at Church...
~ me

Chapter 267 ~ The Post-Chicago Post, and... and, a True Like!?

Yes, you Citizens read proper. But first, last week's Random 20!

1) "Crystal" - New Order.
2) "Electricity" - OMD.
3) "Just Can't Get Enough" - Depeche Mode.
4) "Wild Is the Wind" - David Bowie.
5) "Casual Affair" - Tonic.
6) "Abram" - José González.
7) "Hopelessly" - Rick Astley.
8) "Stinkfist" - Tool.
9) "Body and Soul" [12" EP version] - Sisters of Mercy.
10) "Raining In Baltimore" - Counting Crows.
11) "Suffer Well" - Depeche Mode.
12) "Black or White" - Michael Jackson.
13) "What's Your Fantasy?" - Ludacris. [Yes... Ludacris. Shush.]
14) "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps.
15) "Losing My Religion" - R.E.M.
16) "Sunday" [Night Operations Mix] - Exchange.
17) "I Love a Man In Uniform" - Gang of Four.
18) "Like a G-6" [feat. The Cataracts and Dev] - Far East Movement.
19) "Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra.
20) "Seekers Who Are Lovers" - Cocteau Twins.

So Chicago was fantastic. Absolutely FANTASTIC. I enjoyed staying at my Mom and Stepdad's for the weekend... but 4 days aren't enough. So next year I will be up there for a whole week. I'm already looking forward to it! :-)

One of the big highlights, was visiting not one but TWO Cathedrals over the weekend! Holy Name is the Roman Catholic Cathedral, St. James is the Episcopal Cathedral. Both are absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully we will be able to stop in again when I visit next year.

Meanwhile... last week after I got back from Chicago, I spent a LOT of time with Motoki-chan. Which pretty much pissed off Zokusho-san... yeah. Things got pretty ugly between us. However, I'm not sorry about it... I mean, yes, we broke up, but communication was actually decent until I told him I was visiting Mokoti and he [the ex] basically acted like an ass about it. Which isn't necessarily great because, yes, we were together for 3 years. It *is* a long time. But I am not going to stay with someone who will only continue to hurt me... and if he can't respect me, then I'll find someone who will. As much as I loved him, I love myself more to realise, I should've just been done with him sooner. Of course, I would've hoped to keep talking to him as a friend, but last week when he reared his ugly side around... yeah. So as of last night, I'm done talking to him until he can prove to me he isn't as much of a jerk as he's been. And if that isn't the case, and he really is showing his true colors, then I'm done talking to him for good. I don't need a "friend" whom I can't talk about a damn thing anymore to. Bottom line.

Speaking of Motoki-chan, yes... it might not be true love, but it's a definite "True Like," to quote him. We like each other, we love each other, but we're not in love with each other... does that make sense? I would hope so. It made sense to the both of us!!

We've spent a LOT of time with each other last week. [The perks of having an in-town "True Like": in this case, he's a 40-minute walk from my apartment!] Going for dinner's turned into staying over at his place a handful of times. [And before y'all start, NO we have not done the deed. We are NOT going to rush it. Get those minds out of the gutter, folks.] We don't always get to see each other, but when we can, we make the time. So much more worth the effort.

Best part--he's someone I can be Jenn around. I love it. I thought I could be Jenn around Zokusho-san... nope. Not the same around Motoki-chan. He's someone I can let loose and be ridiculous with... yeah. I need someone like that in my life.

So yeah... that's the latest between Chicago and Motoki-chan...

En route to lunch...
~ me

Chapter 266 ~ Chicago, Day 1

So today I flew out to Chicago by way of Atlanta. Shout-out to Delta Airlines for taking good care of me. And a HUGE thank-you to my brother for taking me to the Airport this morning. It's been a fantastic first day so far.

I miss my dear Motoki, and he misses me too. We spent Wednesday evening AND last night together, with lots of hugs and snugs and kisses. And... and, yeah. *sigh* He's happy for me as I'm up on a much-needed vacation... he's also looking forward to lots more of those hugs, snugs and kisses after I get back!!

*le sigh*
~ me.

Chapter 265 ~ The Pre-Chicago Blogpost.

The Starian Union Random 20 for Thursday 8 August 2013.
+ "I Want You" [original extended 12" version] - Cabaret Voltaire.
+ "So Here We Are" - Bloc Party.
+ "It's The Falling In Love" - Michael Jackson.
+ "A Tattered Line Of String" - The Postal Service.
+ "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.
+ "I Want You" - Savage Garden. [Yes, now STFU.]
+ "Blind Dumb Deaf" [BBC Sessions version] - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Electric Blue" [Steve Thompson US Remix] - Icehouse.
+ "Mercury" - Counting Crows.
+ "Battle Of Who Could Care Less" - Ben Folds Five.
+ "I Would Do Anything For You" - Foster the People.
+ "Celtic Aggression" - Tonic.
+ "Hey Now!" - Oasis.
+ "Locomotion" - Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
+ "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys.
+ "Wonder 'Bout" - Utada.
+ "Mothers Talk" [7" single version] - Tears For Fears.
+ "Positive Tension" [Jason Clark of Pretty Girls Make Graves Remix] - Bloc Party.
+ "Speak No Evil" - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Lullaby" - The Cure.

...yep. Not a bad way to start this post off. I need to get back to doing that!

Now, tomorrow, I'm going to be flying up to Chicago for the weekend. Flying back on Monday. I'm very excited... haven't seen my Mom in, what? Some 5 years maybe? Yeah, this weekend's gonna be awesome. I'm psyched!!

Meanwhile... yeah... things have improved between Motoki and I. Which is good... because, well, yeah. We like each other... we just need time, which is kinda sparse, so we make the time when we can. And that's okay... I can live with it.

And, yeah... I won't even get to talking about work... just, no.

Who's ready for Chi-town? THIS GIRL.
~ me!

Chapter 264 ~ "When I come back down..."

Song of the Day|"Come Back Down" ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket.

*sigh* So yeah... things are quiet between Motoki and I. Although I must admit, I'm a little surprised he's been texting me a few times the past couple of days. However, right now, the way my heart's been hurting... yeah. This isn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt like this--crushes don't leave you feeling like your lungs are filled with deadened lead and your heart unable to calm down so easily.

Yeah. This is definitely *not* a crush. I'm afraid to admit that it's love though... OmG...

There was a student at the Parish School who was killed Friday... so to add to Larry's death... yeah, I'm just a wreck of sorts. Haven't really been able to calm down enough to regain all of me, between the deaths and Motoki. It's been really difficult to think straight the past few days... I don't know... I hate hurting like this but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WON'T GO AWAY.

*sigh* FML.

"Oh God, I'm so damn tired..."
~ me.

Chapter 263 ~ ...now, where was I?

Alright folks... I'm back. And I've got a lot to say. Sit down, buckle up, here we go.

For a start, as of this past June I am *no longer* dating Sprocket--no, actually codename change to Zokusho because someone else has the codename Sprocket and this is one of the good guys. [See? I told y'all a lot happened in the past 2 years!] But anywho, yes, I broke up with Zokusho, for all the right reasons. Long story short: yes, we did have our good times, but he's not worth the anxiety attacks I've suffered in the few months leading up to the break-up. We've since spoken on the phone; however, no, for the record, I am NOT going back with him.

I never thought I'd quote Taylor Swift but "we are never, ever, ever getting back together." Valid point too. Not worth it anymore.

Which brings me to, nope. I am NOT moving to Tampa. Obviously. Zokusho and I tried time and again... in vain. But now with the break-up there really isn't much of a point anymore concerning myself with Tampa. Plus, right now, I am needed here in DeLand... probably moreso now than I realised.

Example A: I am now serving as both Secretary AND Treasurer in my DOK Chapter. Double-duty, yes, but with the help of a couple of fellow Daughters my task isn't as difficult as it looks. Yes it can be stressful, but I have been faring well with it so far. Next month is the Diocesan Fall Assembly and this year my parish is hosting it. LOTS of preparing to do.

Speaking of, we have a new Assistant Rector--Fr. Comforted Keen, who just retired a few months ago from serving as Rector of Church of the Holy Child in Ormond Beach. He was the Priest who was at my first DOK gathering some 3 or 4 years ago--and he was at my Cursillo last year. I told him then that I remembered him from that DOK meeting, and he thought it was wonderful that I remembered him. Now he's going to be my Assistant Priest and really, I'm rather thrilled. He's a great preacher and a wonderful human being. These next three years will be interesting... bring 'em on.

So, anyone remember Jason from the Antics? Yeah. So, we dated maybe once some 3 years ago, before I started dating Zokusho. And to think I had the giggles for him... uhm...

WTF was I thinking?

...oh, right. I probably wasn't.

Anywho, yes, we're friends now. But we don't really hang out much, mostly we just text and talk on the phone from time to time. I'll give him credit though--he *has* stopped me once from doing something stupid to myself. Thankfully.

Which leads me to a few suicide-related matters, the first being that I did attempt suicide a 2nd time this past November. No, I'm not proud of it, but I would rather bring the issue to light than to sweep it under the rug like society tends to do. I'm sorry, but if you can talk to your kids about sex and drugs, then it should be more than acceptable to talk to your kids about suicide. Unfortunately society has conditioned us to not address suicide, let alone mental illness--which prompts me basically to give society the proverbial middle finger, by talking about it, addressing these things.

"Oh, it'll never happen to me." I call bullsh*t. If little Miss Happy Me attempted suicide twice, sure as *censored* it can happen to anybody. It needs to be addressed.

Secondly, I now help as a volunteer of sorts in the Survivors of Suicide group at my church. Been attending since February, and I wish I had the time allowed me to do that much sooner. Better late than never though--my friend Laura facilitates these meetings, which are twice a month. Sometimes it'll be just us two, sometimes there'll be another person with us. Worth attending these meetings... for real.

And... well... yes... there kinda-sorta *is* someone I am talking to. But things aren't necessarily great between him and I... we're working on it. I have no idea how long this is gonna take, but I believe it'll be worth the work and the wait. Because, we do like each other... but of course, as I unfortunately end up stuck in, it's a case of the "great person, not-so-great timing." Which I hate but... *sigh* ah well.

And lastly, at it was some 5 years ago, Death's been making his rounds. Except, it's worse than it was when I was approaching 25... and I'll be 30 in some 2 months! I have been to 7 funerals since Christmas Eve [yes, you Citizens read that proper], and just yesterday my good buddy Larry died from cancer and pneumonia. Last time I was hit with news this devastating, it was Christmas Eve when my fellow Chorister Marcia passed away. This is worse however, as Larry was my very first friend at St. Barnabas and... well... yeah. Between that and Motoki-chan breaking my heart yesterday, really I'm just a wreck right now. There isn't very much I can do about all of this unfortunately... the most I can do right now, is cry, and hang in there.

I'm sure there's probably more to update on, but I'm honestly exhausted from today and the past two days. And really, all I want to do is just go home, cry and sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. And cry. And...

--yeah, I think y'all get the idea.

Wishing there was a "Redo" button...
~ me.

A Preview to Chapter 263 and a Reboot...

So... to make the long story short, this blog needs an overdue update of sorts. There's been a whole lot that's happened in the two years since I last blogged and really, right now, I'm a walking wreck waiting to happen.

All that said, this is just a preview of the reboot and a much-overdue update. And this time, I've got a whole damn lot to say.

Be ready...

~ me