Chapter 243 ~ My Heart to Compromise?

Song of the Moment|"The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
Song of the Day|"Love Plus One" - Haircut 100

I have realised something, something highly important about myself, as I sit and check my e-mail and Facebook and all that. Between that and having a unexpected conversation with Siren...

it seems that my heart is still the subject of questioning, in a sense.

For the better part of the last couple of months, my heart's been in limbo and a f@#ked-up mess. Between Orin messing my heart over, two exes wanting me for only one thing, and one other ex wanting me back altogether... not to mention the fact that I don't know how to tell them all off without being a complete bitch at the risk of losing the friendships entirely... and never mind the fact that I can't get a date anyway so I just stay home and hide...

yeah. Somehow I'm just glad I'm single. I mean, I want something that's gonna be more about some proper intelligent conversations than the physical attaction. Now I'm not saying I'm going after the ugly guys--hell now. I'm just saying, yeah, I should be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him and not want to get in his pants, and vice versa. I refuse to compromise my heart to someone that just wants to get in my pants and not even commit.

So right now, my nerve's a bit edgy. But I don't want to compromise my heart to anyone or anything. I don't want anything less of a worthwhile relationship. But the problem is... right now, the way things are looking, my outlook's turned more of a DO NOT WANT as far as that's concerned. I'm still afraid to trust anyone that much to get close to. Especially after what Orin did to me... yeah. He's pretty much screwed things up for sure.

On a lighter note...

...

...

...oh hell. There really isn't much of a lighter note today. I'm too irritated and exhausted to even think of anything good going on right now. Other than the obvious fact that I'm alive. I suppose that alone will suffice.



Dear, dear Peter...

Today was the first day of a new season of solitude. It's been rough. I don't have much of a clue as to how to swat a few longing exes away without hurting them. And this isn't the first time this has happened, but I was too much trying to smile and be happy yesterday to not even think about it. So I didn't tell you about it.

Work was hectic to say the least today. I nonetheless made it through the day, and am home safely and in one piece [for the most part anyway].

And, I have realised that, I will not compromise my heart for anyone or anything. Sadly though, I am left almost wishing that there were more guys in the world like you. I don't know... maybe I'm just stuck in a moment of wishful thinking. Or who knows? But, in any case, I will not compromise my heart. Ever. And you know this.

I hope your summer is off to a good start. When are you heading out for France? Take lots of pictures--I wanna see!!! Please and Thank you!!!

Love always...

~ me

Chapter Front [242] ~ How Could It Come To This?

Song of the Moment|"Is It Like Today?" - World Party [2-M Session]

So today... the feast Sunday of Pentecost... well, I bade best wishes and a decent "I'll see you around" to... well... him. Yes, my beloved Choirmaster of five years. Onward now goes Peter for new adventures, and of course I can but simply encourage him on, even if it's from at a distance now. But, it's not like he's leaving out-of-state or anything. Still, I'll miss him immensely. I can't quite put into words how I'm feeling.

I guess the only proper word for that is, bittersweet.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good times. Silly conversations. And the times he's made me laugh 'til I couldn't make much sense. He's just that awesome of a person in my opinion. He's a good friend. He'll always be that wonderful to me.

*sigh* I hate good-bye's. I wish there wasn't a need for the word.

Bittersweet and thankful...

~ me

Chapter 241 ~ How'd You Get to Feel Happiness...

Song of the Moment|"Happiness" - Goldfrapp.

WARNING|STRONG LANGUAGE AND/OR BRUTAL HONESTY INVOLVED!

It's been three... no, four. Four weeks since Orin was here. I'm in my taking-names mode again. This heart is still recovering, trying to heal...
trying to function...
to think...
to feel...

As I listen to "Happiness", I had to look back on the more chaotic part of the past couple of weeks. Had it really been four weeks since I last saw him? Oh hell, it must've been. It almost feels like eternity; on the other hand, it feels like it was only maybe two weeks ago. The wounds are still fresh and, while I really seem to be doing well within the whim and company of coworkers and friends, I am still afraid to let any guy ever really get close to me again. The closest guy I have in my life now is my beloved Choirmaster, and he's leaving, so it hasn't really made matters that much better.

One can say that, I have truly hit a quarter-life crisis. At this point in time, I am thoroughly convinced that, I truly am not meant to be anyone's someone. This I am realising as the days pass by and the months slowly begin to dull out. I can't heal as fast as I expected myself to. I need more time. I need to make more time for myself. I need...

I need to stop kidding myself. I can't keep convincing myself that someone better will come along, because... because that would only be me kidding myself...

*sigh* I spent at least four hours trying to type this post. I think I'm done with it for the night.

Mending the shattered fragments...

~ me

Chapter 240 ~ Sometimes...

Song of the Night|"The Sound of Goodbye" - Perpetual Dreamer
[hence why the chapter title is "sometimes"--it's the first word to the chorus.]

If I may be so bold, and so honest... I'm too reluctant to say 'goodbye' to the one person that I truly, honestly, and simply love. While I'm well over the drama from Hikari, there is still one matter of interesting importance that I worry myself now over. And that is, well...

Choirmaster Peter is... well... leaving...

You see, he just got hired to teach full time at the University he's been teaching in as an adjunct. And, it's rough enough that he has to travel a lengthy distance between where he lives and where he works. And it's just as rough because he has a lengthy drive between where he lives, and our Church. He's been our Choirmaster for 11 years now. And now... well... I...

I don't know what words exist for the moment.

I mean, this is the one person in the entire world that, out of all the people I can say that I love, well... he's the only one I can honestly admit that, I am in love with. Without thinking twice or questioning anything. And yes, while there are only so many differences between us, and the whole whims of why we could never be [as a good friend in my Choir has told me, "Maybe next lifetime"], I can't help but love him. He is just a brilliant person, a sweet soul, and a damn good friend. He's inexplicably beautiful, intricately knowledgeable, and undoubtedly amazing. I can't find any better words than that.

Best put, he is the one man in the world who could weave in my memory a melody, and in my soul a harmony, within my heart a rising chorus, and unto my life a glorious opus.

My life wasn't the same since I'd met him... now, he's leaving and... well, words fail. I have already cried a few tears since he read the letter to the Choir, which he'd written to Father Don explaining the situation. And, I'll be honest--I am so immensely happy for him. I really am. The recession has helped him in the nicest way possible. And, on the other hand... my heart is broken.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good memories. Sweet memories. I can smile to myself, even in the midst of tears, because of those good memories. Because of the fact that, I have met and come to know the man I regard as my beloved Choirmaster. Those five years, knowing him, have been nothing short of wonderful.

*sigh* You know I've got it hurtin' when it takes for-freckin'-ever to type out a blogpost Chapter like this. Because, well, I try not to dwell on the bad so much as the good. And really, the good outweighs the bad.

But, I hate having to let him go, because I'm scared that I'll never see him again.

I guess we'll just have to see what this week brings...

~ me

Chapter 239 ~ Where's My Verbal Baseball Bat?

I am going to give this warning only once: this blogpost contains strong language and was written with a highly-irritated frame of mind. However, please understand that there a few people out there who really need to read this, so they can understand where it is I'm coming from. And yes, today, I am naming names.

Okay, y'all ready? Sit down, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once...

It's fucked up when I can't rant without someone wanting to try to solve all my problems.

Last night, yeah, I had a helluva day at work. I vented a bit for my Facebook status. I actually felt better having let that all out in one simple status.

Not more than a few minutes later--simply because Jonathan, Richard, Daniel, Pouncer AND Clint all threw their two cents in where it really wasn't necessary... I'm back to all pissed off. Because, they need to understand something very important about me. Siren's been very close to ticking me off also, on a slightly different matter, but I will address it in a moment. But first,

--Jonathan, Richard, Daniel, Pouncer, Clint... are y'all reading this? Okay. Pay attention:

If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it. If I wanted your two cents' worth, I would have asked for it. I was feeling a lot better when I vented on that status, until YOU five all fucked it up, and got me pissed off again. I haven't calmed down since. I am still upset, except it's not so much at my workday yesterday as much as it is over a bunch of guys who think they can throw their two cents' worth and think that I should take THEIR advice, thinking that THEY know what the hell they're talking about.

Understand this, boys [yes, boys, since I can't really consider you guys 'men' at this point]--I don't need your advice. I don't want your advice. If and when I want your two cents' worth on it, I will let you know. I don't care if you all are concerned about me--that's fine. That's what friends do. HOWEVER, I do NOT want you guys to jump right on in and end up only for me to have to redig up the issue, get pissed off at something else, and end up even more upset than I'd originally intended.

Now, Siren--NO, I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH RICHARD. And I'm not going out with anyone, as a side note. End of discussion on that matter. However, I will encourage you to tread carefully with your words, as you've got me on my bad side once again.

And to everyone reading this, mark this as a lesson to all. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Don't make me vent any further than I need to. And--most importantly--keep your damn mouth shut.

[Unless you're among the very few friends, like Skater, Peter, anyone in my Choir (y'all know who you are), my fellow Typists, my coworkers, and the very few that know me well enough and live that advice of mine quite well. You all know who you are. Thankies muchly for it.]

...okay. NOW I'm all better. Finally. Time for a shower and F.A.M. Night.

Saved from a temper-tantrum aneurism...

~ me

Chapter 238 ~ A Prayer for the Morning...

In the Name of God,
+ Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Amen.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
first and foremost, Good Morning.

You are the Lord and King of all. You made Heaven and Earth, and all your Creation reflects, sings, lauds and magnifies your Glory. We are the work of your Hands, and we sing your praises.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah!
We love you,
we adore you,
we bless you.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
we are imperfect. I am imperfect.

I am a sinner. I have fallen short of your glory--I and all your creation. We are a fallen race. The Precious Blood of your Son, Jesus Christ, has redeemed and sanctified us; and we are washed cleaner, whiter than snow. Still... we are imperfect. We are sinners. And we need your forgiveness.

O Lord, merciful King of Heaven and Earth,
Kyrie Eleison,
Christe Eleison,
Kyrie Eleison.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
I cannot number your blessings, there are so many!

I thank you for the blessings of this day, and the blessings of this life--for my life, my family, and my friends. I thank you for the people I come in contact with, every single day. And I am thankful that I am YOUR child, YOUR Daughter.

O Lord, God and Father of all,
I am counting my blessings,
I am grateful for all You have given me,
I cannot thank you enough.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
I need you at every day, and every hour.

Give me the strength to endure this day. Bless my family, my friends and coworkers, and the few people in my life that I love the most. Strengthen me to do Your Will, empower me and Your servants with Your Holy Spirit, that we may never be afraid to be the Light of the World, as Christ made us to be--that our Light may so shine before others, that they may see the good that we do, and give Glory to Your, our Father, who is in Heaven,
for Holy is Your Name--
May Your Kingdom come
and Your Will be done,
here on Earth
as it is in Heaven above.
Supply our needs, O Good Shepherd,
and forgive us our wrong words, thoughts and doings--
as we forgive the wrong words, thoughts and doings of others.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from our Enemies.

For the Kingdom, O Lord, and the Power and the Glory
are Yours,
now and for evermore!

Dear Lord, my God and King,
I love you.
I thank you.
And I pray this in the name of my Savior,
He whose Cross I wear,
Jesus Christ.

Amen.