Chapter 253 ~ Chaotic Emotion

I'm awake, I'm wired, and--so help me God--I hate not having a nap when I want one. Long story with that one, I'll explain in a moment. But, I feel as if something just hasn't been quite right... maybe I'm just a bit overstressed, or worried about tomorrow. Again, explanation coming. Bear with me.

Meanwhile, today was the Daughters of the King Fall Assembly. With 41 pictures taken and a lot of conversation to be had with my friend Michele [whom I hadn't seen since the Fall Assembly in Melbourne LAST YEAR--she's in the DOK Chapter in Haines City], it was a great time to be had. I even told her about Sprocket--she was quite happy for me!

The festivities of Fall Assembly this year were nothing short of amazing. For one, it was at the Cathedral in Orlando this year. Two, it was rather bittersweet, as it was Anne's final Fall Assembly in Central Florida; she handed down the Presidency to Krisita, the 2nd Vice-President, during the meeting [the 1st Vice-President had to resign due to health issues as a result of her fight with cancer]. Anne will be moving to Tennessee on 1 November--another bittersweet day as it's not only All Saints Day, but also the day of corporate communion for all Daughters of the King. I'll be honest when I say, I am going to miss Anne very much--she'd been like an older sister and mentor to me, and especially during when I was preparing to become a Daughter. Now... *sigh* yeah, I still have one more month or so with her but, still...

I guess it's been a rather big year for losses, hasn't it? Awesome'ness is on his Sabbatical after his time as Choirmaster, and Anne's leaving to Tennessee. [Great-]Aunt Jackie died, two friends' Moms died, and my legally-blind adopted-at-the-heart Nana Janet died. It makes me almost worry about what the rest of the year is looking like.

Right now I'm wired and awake... on 6 hours' sleep and a 10-minute nap. I've been awake since 3 this morning, had to work 4:15-6 this morning since my 1st Assistant Manager accidentally scheduled me to work today. The only time I took that nap? On the way back from Orlando. I wanted to take a nap when I got home from Church but of course, that wasn't possible. That and, I still have 41 pictures to send over to e-mail and then post them in an epic mass e-mail to just about everybody. Which, mind you, isn't a problem for me. Except, it's gonna take a while. This I know. I know I've got Michele and Linda [the Diocesan Historian] to send them out to. Them and Gracie-boo [my DOK 'Nana'], Anne, Terry, Deacon Megumi, and the others in the Chapter.

Oh, and I have to work 6 A.M.-1 P.M. tomorrow. Which means I'll be a rehearsal behind for the Choir's first Evensong of the Choral Year... which is TOMORROW NIGHT. Good Lord, I am not gonna be a happy camper tomorrow. I'm not even prepared for it tomorrow, at all--I still have doubts about myself over the Magnificat piece. Tomorrow is not going to be good... I'm so scared I can almost feel it. Yeah, it's that bad.

...I swear, I need to sleep. Where's Sprocket to cuddle with?

Borderline-restless...

~ me

Chapter 252 ~ Missing

*sigh* Alright. It's official. I miss my Choirmaster. No, not the new one either, Dr. Rich may be our Choirmaster but he's not my Choirmaster. There's a difference--and a big one in fact.

Yes, I miss my friend Awesome'ness. Like, a lot.

Because it's not the same when I don't have him to talk to every Sunday anymore. In fact... well, the last time we talked... it was in May. And he told me that he wouldn't be too far away. And yet... well, we did exchange a couple of e-mails in June. But then he had his excursion to France. And, well... we haven't really talked since.

It's just not the same anymore. All I can do is sigh in quiet grief and talk about him every now and then. Sprocket knows about Awesome'ness, and he laughs at me when I get all giggle-happy talking about him [Awesome'ness]. Yeah, Sprocket thinks it's cute when his girlfriend gets giggle-happy. I suppose I don't blame him. But... still...

I wonder how Awesome'ness is doing. It hurts when all that remains are music, memories and pictures. We [the Choir] just rehearsed one of his pieces yesterday morning... I almost wanted to cry.

*sigh* Yeah. It's official. I miss my Choirmaster.

Dear Awesome'ness...

I wonder how you're doing. What's new? How's life? How's life teaching at the University?

How are you? I miss you. Like, a lot.

We've begun to raise the Church Roof as a Choir with the new Choirmaster, but he could never be my Choirmaster, my good friend. He could never be you.

It never hurts to hear from you once in a while.

Missing...

~ me

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me