Sooo... another March has come and gone. It's sad though, because this was a month I really had high hopes for. With the exception of Engeki-chan's visit and reuniting with family that I love and miss immensely, and not to mention yesterday's surprise inspection during the first two freckin' hours of my shift [guh... gotta love the stress on borderline-explode] which our store passed, well... yeah. This month has been one of many tears and disappointments.
And it hurts, a lot.
Death's struck three or four times that I can think of; plans I made with friends, in advance, fell through rather badly; stress at work got to me, and I have a burn from Monday morning as a piece of evidence to show for it.
Hideki-chan... well... I don't know 'bout him anymore. I called and left him a voicemail this past Saturday asking if he'd like to get together with me this Saturday, maybe go see a movie or two. [There's two, actually, that I'd like to see--"Kick Ass" and "How to Train Your Dragon"... surprise! Sunny wanna go see movies for once!!] Sadly, well, I haven't heard from him yet, and tomorrow's Maundy Thursday and, I'm pretty much looking forward to what could possibly be a Saturday alone. Again. I think I'll prepare to take another Cemetery Excursion that afternoon, and then go to the Easter Vigil service at Church before heading home to just do *something.* I am not sure what I will do to keep myself occupied but, that's pretty much what things are looking like for the moment unless Hideki can step up his game a bit. It's a shame too... I really like him. And I know that he likes me too but, right now... well... it makes me want to doubt that. And I really, really don't want to have to have doubts about his feelings for me. It just sucks that he's too busy to actually make time for me. Thank his job for that, folks. But... I don't blame him. I just wish that things weren't such a damn strain for us right now. *sigh* We'll just have to wait and see what happens from here.
Meanwhile, I had planned twice to hang out with Siren and, both times they fell through. I suppose I won't go into specifics but, the timing's gone all wrong, and the situations didn't seem quite so proper. So, I don't know. I'm thinking, maybe an I-Bar excursion this summer. When things aren't so crazy and Choir's on vacation. But unless Siren gets over a case of hurt pride [remember Siren--rejection is a bitch. this I know. remember when you dumped me? uh-huh, i thought so. lesson learned, case in mind, now let's move it along m'kay?], I doubt I'll be visiting I-Bar again anytime soon. Thankfully I have plenty of 80's mixes to keep my ears otherwise preoccupied.
And, in other whims... well... Kaguya is my friend again. Yes, Mikey. I have found a codename--it's actually the name I've used for the Starian Union stories. So, anywho, yes, I have reconnected with Kaguya and, to be honest, it's good to catch up with him again. I kinda miss the boy, really. Just sad that, when I look back sometimes, he did break my heart. But, I have since gotten over that minor pain--I'm not gonna let a failed romance kill any possibility of a damn good friendship. I don't know--maybe we'll be together again someday, maybe not. If it's meant to be, then so be it. I have my doubts though... maybe because of my whole stance against the "second chance"-type thing. But, I don't know, maybe some things are worth a second try? I am not sure. And I won't jump the gun on this either... I'm not that stupid.
Aside from Engeki-chan's visit, I've tried to make plans to hang out with friends some four times this month. So far, three of them have all fallen through somehow, through circumstances unexpected. And, the way things are going, plan #4 might end up in the same way with the others. That is fine, however--it just means that, I'm going to start making back-up plans for myself. If I've got something going on with a friend and that falls through at the last minute, I've got something to fall back on and get around to. Determined, me? Perhaps. But, in the end, I'm not going to let disappointment f@#k me up and over. Basically, those who back out on me, will just miss out--plain and simple.
This month marked the 6-year anniversary of my only suicide attempt, and my surviving it. Painful as it seems, it's been perhaps the darkest of my moments, and probably my greatest triumph. I hadn't felt as weak as I was at that moment, when I almost ended my existence. To be honest, I'm glad I survived it, even as there were times when I really wanted to doubt my existence and survival. Because, there'd been days when really did wish I hadn't survivied the attempt. In the end, however, I am glad that I did--because, when you think about it, there'd be a handful of people left behind, and even more that I'd never met and touched the lives of. Sooo, yeah, I'm glad I survived. And I think I'm a better person for it. Yes, I'll have my tears. Yes, life will have many a disappointment. Yes, work's always going to want to beat me 'til it hurts, and people will spite me for God knows whatever reason. Yes, I'll have trying times... but hey. Trials will not have the last word--God will. And in Him do I keep and will continue to trust. Mark my words on that.
Sooo... I guess that's this now-ending month, all in all. Or, at least, my analysis of it anyway. Much has gone on, and I'm not even sure if whether or not I should look forward to April. However, I should. And I am. Because, there's Easter. And the 125th Anniversary of the Daughters of the King [woohoo!!], and... and... crap. I guess that's about all to look forward to for April, right? I mean, aside from Kids Night on Tuesdays and all that... but, still.
*sigh* I think I need to start finding my own reasons to celebrate. 'Cause trying to make plans to hang out with friends [only to watch 'em fall apart] just doesn't seem to be working for me at this rate. More Cemetery Excursions and more plotting for Kids Nights, those seem to be in order for me, enough to keep me mentally sane. Or somewhere close to otherwise-fully-preoccupied. If people want to make plans with me, they need to follow through. Otherwise, time wasted. Back-up plans are now in effect for Saturday--and if Hideki can't step up to the plate, then it's his loss. I can always go celebrate Easter a few hours early.
Fed up with worthless wastes of time...
~ me
31 March 2010
17 March 2010
Chapter 17.3.2010 ~ Miraculous...
I never realised how one person could make a world of difference in my life, but I realised this week that... that, it can happen. And it has. So today's Chapter--which is my Saint Patrick's Chapter today [and hence numbered as 17.3.2010 because today is Saint Patrick's Day]--is going to a family member I had never really "met" until this week. Thank you, Facebook. And to Great-Auntie Cathie, welcome to the Underground!!
Now... Hideki-chan, well, work's kinda kicked him in the head. So has life, but definitely work! His roommate--who worked with him... I say "worked" because, the roommate [I'll codename 'im Shimbo] got fired this past Friday. Yipes... that means, more work for Hideki... *sigh* So, that's why I haven't seen him lately. In fact, this Friday it'll be exactly one month since we last got to actually spend time together. Hey, of course I miss him--and I know he misses me too. The most I can do for now is pray that things get better. It just sucks that I feel like I've got my hands tied behind my back most of the time, because I want to do something if at least to cheer him up and... well, I can't. At least, not now anyway. I will have to be patient and wait for now. And sometimes... well, absence makes the heart grow fonder... doesn't it?
In other news, I think I'm coming to some sort of reconciliation with Siren. Yes, Siren. As in, the ex-boyfriend of mine that we all almost love to *hate* Siren. Him. Yes, we've been getting along a bit better--but, don't expect much out of this. He's a friend--nothing more than that. If anything, a friend. I'm still wondering, How the f@#k did that happen? and, I have no answer to that, unfortunately. At least, not at the moment anyway. But, in any case, as long as he doesn't start any drama [because, at the moment, I have plenty enough as is!], things should improve.
Also, this morning was spent with my friend Sanyun [yes, my Wednesday morning breakfast guypal has a codename now, finally] at New Smyrna Beach. While the weather was cold and cloudy, it was still nice enough for a walk on the beach with a cup of coffee. It was pretty nice, to be honest; I mean, I don't get to spend a lot of time with Sanyun, so this morning was pretty cool. And I like hanging out with him too, when we do get to hang out. That however doesn't mean that there's *something* there, however--don't get your hopes up, folks!
And finally, a little something funny from the Muppets. Yes, the Muppets. Prepare to have an epic gigglefit.
"Danny Boy" - the Leprechaun Brothers
[note--if you're reading this on facebook notes and can't see the youtube, go to my profile; i've posted it.]
On that whim, go find and listen to "Swagger" by Flogging Molly. That's my traditional Saint Patrick's Day anthem, and in effect my Song of the Day. It's a damn good song, in my opinion. Not that it entirely matters but, still. It's my opinion. But, thankfully, you don't have to entirely agree with it--go find the song and hear for yourself!
And until the next round... Great Auntie Cathie, I love you! We are SOOO gonna stay in touch!!
~ me
Now... Hideki-chan, well, work's kinda kicked him in the head. So has life, but definitely work! His roommate--who worked with him... I say "worked" because, the roommate [I'll codename 'im Shimbo] got fired this past Friday. Yipes... that means, more work for Hideki... *sigh* So, that's why I haven't seen him lately. In fact, this Friday it'll be exactly one month since we last got to actually spend time together. Hey, of course I miss him--and I know he misses me too. The most I can do for now is pray that things get better. It just sucks that I feel like I've got my hands tied behind my back most of the time, because I want to do something if at least to cheer him up and... well, I can't. At least, not now anyway. I will have to be patient and wait for now. And sometimes... well, absence makes the heart grow fonder... doesn't it?
In other news, I think I'm coming to some sort of reconciliation with Siren. Yes, Siren. As in, the ex-boyfriend of mine that we all almost love to *hate* Siren. Him. Yes, we've been getting along a bit better--but, don't expect much out of this. He's a friend--nothing more than that. If anything, a friend. I'm still wondering, How the f@#k did that happen? and, I have no answer to that, unfortunately. At least, not at the moment anyway. But, in any case, as long as he doesn't start any drama [because, at the moment, I have plenty enough as is!], things should improve.
Also, this morning was spent with my friend Sanyun [yes, my Wednesday morning breakfast guypal has a codename now, finally] at New Smyrna Beach. While the weather was cold and cloudy, it was still nice enough for a walk on the beach with a cup of coffee. It was pretty nice, to be honest; I mean, I don't get to spend a lot of time with Sanyun, so this morning was pretty cool. And I like hanging out with him too, when we do get to hang out. That however doesn't mean that there's *something* there, however--don't get your hopes up, folks!
And finally, a little something funny from the Muppets. Yes, the Muppets. Prepare to have an epic gigglefit.
"Danny Boy" - the Leprechaun Brothers
[note--if you're reading this on facebook notes and can't see the youtube, go to my profile; i've posted it.]
On that whim, go find and listen to "Swagger" by Flogging Molly. That's my traditional Saint Patrick's Day anthem, and in effect my Song of the Day. It's a damn good song, in my opinion. Not that it entirely matters but, still. It's my opinion. But, thankfully, you don't have to entirely agree with it--go find the song and hear for yourself!
And until the next round... Great Auntie Cathie, I love you! We are SOOO gonna stay in touch!!
~ me
10 March 2010
Chapter 231 ~ Emotional Exhaustion FTW.
Yes, the title should explain it all. I have been, and still am, emotionally exhausted. That summarizes the first 10 days of March. For those who don't know [or don't remember, or want the whole of the sitch], let me fill y'all in. Fasten your seat-belts, because I'm going to be borderline-all over the freckin' place with this.
Sunday 28 February, Roboter's dad [who'd been suffering from dementia for *years*] suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital, where he went from bad to worse practically overnight. By Wednesday he couldn't swallow anymore, and his ability to function on his own was basically gone. He was moved to the Hospice Care unit and, by Saturday, it was expected that he'd probably make it one more week, at best. But... God called him home Sunday morning. Roboter is beside himself, and I don't blame him one damn bit.
Adding to that, this past Saturday also, [Step]Mom called me... from Ohio... after attending Grams' funeral. Now, who the wheehey is Grams?, y'all may ask. Grams, actually, is my great-grandmother on my [Step]Mom's side. [I really should just slash the 'Step'... seriously...] Mom updated me that Grams passed away last Wednesday morning; in fact, she thought my DAD told me! I'm sorry but, Dad, being Hispanic... the running gag in the family is that, he runs on Cuban time. Almost always late for everything, whether by accident or on purpose. In any case, nope, he didn't tell me. Mom was mad...!!! But, in any case, yeah, Dad called me a while later--he thought Mom told me about Grams! I just didn't care... Grams was gone. And I do have memories of her... I miss her. I still cry a bit about it.
Also, yesterday I found out about the passing on Monday, of an aunt of a friend of mine from back in middle school. The grieving continues. It's all a bit much, to be honest. But, death seems to have hit full-swing this year--7 deaths so far within my Circle of Friends. And it's only f@#kin' March.
Yes, 7. I stated three so far. Here's the previous four that preceeded them.
January -
- Heather's Dad [Andy's grandfather--Andy is my 4-year-old Godson]
- Billie's Grandmother [Billie is my new neighbor]
February -
- Erma's Mother-in-Law AND Aunt-in-Law [Erma is one of my drive-thru regular customers]
Monday night I had a very, VERY good cry. Cried for an hour. It felt like for ever but, I felt much better after all that. I mean, I still feel pretty freckin' miserable for the most part, and I'm still emotionally exhausted but, I'm a tough cookie nonetheless. It's hard not to feel anything, because I'm that kind of person that loves without thinking twice more often than not. I grieve, I suffer, and I hurt--all because I love. So when someone dies... yeah... I can feel the suffering. And it hurts. But by the Grace of God, I don't suffer in vain. And I don't suffer alone.
So... yeah... that's pretty much March so far. Ten days in, and I already wish it was over. And that's a shame, because this month's also the six-year anniversary of when I survived my only suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been six years since the darkest of what I call my personal "eclipse"--it hasn't really sunk in the wanting to celebrate, sadly, due to the death that's hit. And I know I cried a lot of tears so far this week--there'll be more to cry, that is certain. But, I'll be somewhere at the intersection of Mourning and Joyful somewhere... when it does meet. Somehow. And, God willing, soon.
Until then... *sigh*
~ me
Sunday 28 February, Roboter's dad [who'd been suffering from dementia for *years*] suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital, where he went from bad to worse practically overnight. By Wednesday he couldn't swallow anymore, and his ability to function on his own was basically gone. He was moved to the Hospice Care unit and, by Saturday, it was expected that he'd probably make it one more week, at best. But... God called him home Sunday morning. Roboter is beside himself, and I don't blame him one damn bit.
Adding to that, this past Saturday also, [Step]Mom called me... from Ohio... after attending Grams' funeral. Now, who the wheehey is Grams?, y'all may ask. Grams, actually, is my great-grandmother on my [Step]Mom's side. [I really should just slash the 'Step'... seriously...] Mom updated me that Grams passed away last Wednesday morning; in fact, she thought my DAD told me! I'm sorry but, Dad, being Hispanic... the running gag in the family is that, he runs on Cuban time. Almost always late for everything, whether by accident or on purpose. In any case, nope, he didn't tell me. Mom was mad...!!! But, in any case, yeah, Dad called me a while later--he thought Mom told me about Grams! I just didn't care... Grams was gone. And I do have memories of her... I miss her. I still cry a bit about it.
Also, yesterday I found out about the passing on Monday, of an aunt of a friend of mine from back in middle school. The grieving continues. It's all a bit much, to be honest. But, death seems to have hit full-swing this year--7 deaths so far within my Circle of Friends. And it's only f@#kin' March.
Yes, 7. I stated three so far. Here's the previous four that preceeded them.
January -
- Heather's Dad [Andy's grandfather--Andy is my 4-year-old Godson]
- Billie's Grandmother [Billie is my new neighbor]
February -
- Erma's Mother-in-Law AND Aunt-in-Law [Erma is one of my drive-thru regular customers]
Monday night I had a very, VERY good cry. Cried for an hour. It felt like for ever but, I felt much better after all that. I mean, I still feel pretty freckin' miserable for the most part, and I'm still emotionally exhausted but, I'm a tough cookie nonetheless. It's hard not to feel anything, because I'm that kind of person that loves without thinking twice more often than not. I grieve, I suffer, and I hurt--all because I love. So when someone dies... yeah... I can feel the suffering. And it hurts. But by the Grace of God, I don't suffer in vain. And I don't suffer alone.
So... yeah... that's pretty much March so far. Ten days in, and I already wish it was over. And that's a shame, because this month's also the six-year anniversary of when I survived my only suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been six years since the darkest of what I call my personal "eclipse"--it hasn't really sunk in the wanting to celebrate, sadly, due to the death that's hit. And I know I cried a lot of tears so far this week--there'll be more to cry, that is certain. But, I'll be somewhere at the intersection of Mourning and Joyful somewhere... when it does meet. Somehow. And, God willing, soon.
Until then... *sigh*
~ me
03 March 2010
Chapter 230 ~ Reckonings and Randomosities
So today's my day off. Not much has changed, aside from a lot. I haven't seen Hideki-chan in a bit over a week. More than a week in fact. And I know he's been busy. The most I can do is to just pray and watch over him from a distance. I hate how I feel though--it's almost like love. It shouldn't be love, so why the f@#k do I feel so... so...
God, it better not be love. Or else my heart's gonna get freckin' shot. I hate it. I'm scared. And the problem is, when someone gets too close... they leave. Either that or, great person but the timing is just so wrong. And I fear that, it's bound to be more a combination of the two. I mean, I really like Hideki-chan. A lot. It hurts. The most I can do is make the best of it and just keep praying for the best.
Speaking of Hideki-chan, I actually wrote a nice letter today. It was small, only two pages, front only. And we're talking a size of 7"x5", wide-ruled! But, the Boss and I did get to talk for a bit and, I think I impressed him pretty decently. I mean, I'm sure Hideki-chan told him about me a bit but, I felt it was a proper idea to introduce myself to him personally and hand him the letter. All in all, noblest thing I've done all week. I can only hope the Boss has something good to say to Hideki-chan about our little chance-meeting this morning.
...but, we haven't spoken in so long... the silence... hurts...
Meanwhile, today is my day off. Hurrah for Wednesdays. And I get to take on my responsibilities as Secretary in my Daughters of the King Chapter. I have, gosh... some 6 to 8 months' worth of notes to sort out for Chapter President Marcia?? Eh, yeah. Thankfully though, she has a copy of every Agenda for the meetings, so I just need to send her the minutes for all the meetings I have. And luckily, they're not that much anyway--it's pretty much notes and what-all's been discussed. Not too much to sort out. So, I think I just might be able to get it all squared away and taken care of and all that. This might be fun.
And, two songs of note. The first one is the Song of the Week:
"Put the Message in the Box" - World Party
The other is the Song of the Day--and dedicated to my Choirmaster [because, as I'm continuing what I call the Mind-Expansion Project (which was started back around Christmastime), if Peter hasn't heard this (and I am assuming he hasn't heard it!) then, he's in for a nice musical treat]:
"Forever Young" - Youth Group
[song originally done by alphaville]
And on *that* whim and bombshell, time to finally take on the notes from all those meetings. Yes, I just spent two hours on the computer in the current "Underground" [still laptop'less unfortunately], and writing out this post and checkin' out YouTube and clearing out some 20-freckin'-million e-mails and... and...
[SHUT. UP. SUNSHINE!]
...eh, until the next round...
~ me
God, it better not be love. Or else my heart's gonna get freckin' shot. I hate it. I'm scared. And the problem is, when someone gets too close... they leave. Either that or, great person but the timing is just so wrong. And I fear that, it's bound to be more a combination of the two. I mean, I really like Hideki-chan. A lot. It hurts. The most I can do is make the best of it and just keep praying for the best.
Speaking of Hideki-chan, I actually wrote a nice letter today. It was small, only two pages, front only. And we're talking a size of 7"x5", wide-ruled! But, the Boss and I did get to talk for a bit and, I think I impressed him pretty decently. I mean, I'm sure Hideki-chan told him about me a bit but, I felt it was a proper idea to introduce myself to him personally and hand him the letter. All in all, noblest thing I've done all week. I can only hope the Boss has something good to say to Hideki-chan about our little chance-meeting this morning.
...but, we haven't spoken in so long... the silence... hurts...
Meanwhile, today is my day off. Hurrah for Wednesdays. And I get to take on my responsibilities as Secretary in my Daughters of the King Chapter. I have, gosh... some 6 to 8 months' worth of notes to sort out for Chapter President Marcia?? Eh, yeah. Thankfully though, she has a copy of every Agenda for the meetings, so I just need to send her the minutes for all the meetings I have. And luckily, they're not that much anyway--it's pretty much notes and what-all's been discussed. Not too much to sort out. So, I think I just might be able to get it all squared away and taken care of and all that. This might be fun.
And, two songs of note. The first one is the Song of the Week:
"Put the Message in the Box" - World Party
The other is the Song of the Day--and dedicated to my Choirmaster [because, as I'm continuing what I call the Mind-Expansion Project (which was started back around Christmastime), if Peter hasn't heard this (and I am assuming he hasn't heard it!) then, he's in for a nice musical treat]:
"Forever Young" - Youth Group
[song originally done by alphaville]
And on *that* whim and bombshell, time to finally take on the notes from all those meetings. Yes, I just spent two hours on the computer in the current "Underground" [still laptop'less unfortunately], and writing out this post and checkin' out YouTube and clearing out some 20-freckin'-million e-mails and... and...
...eh, until the next round...
~ me
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