Yes, the title should explain it all. I have been, and still am, emotionally exhausted. That summarizes the first 10 days of March. For those who don't know [or don't remember, or want the whole of the sitch], let me fill y'all in. Fasten your seat-belts, because I'm going to be borderline-all over the freckin' place with this.
Sunday 28 February, Roboter's dad [who'd been suffering from dementia for *years*] suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital, where he went from bad to worse practically overnight. By Wednesday he couldn't swallow anymore, and his ability to function on his own was basically gone. He was moved to the Hospice Care unit and, by Saturday, it was expected that he'd probably make it one more week, at best. But... God called him home Sunday morning. Roboter is beside himself, and I don't blame him one damn bit.
Adding to that, this past Saturday also, [Step]Mom called me... from Ohio... after attending Grams' funeral. Now, who the wheehey is Grams?, y'all may ask. Grams, actually, is my great-grandmother on my [Step]Mom's side. [I really should just slash the 'Step'... seriously...] Mom updated me that Grams passed away last Wednesday morning; in fact, she thought my DAD told me! I'm sorry but, Dad, being Hispanic... the running gag in the family is that, he runs on Cuban time. Almost always late for everything, whether by accident or on purpose. In any case, nope, he didn't tell me. Mom was mad...!!! But, in any case, yeah, Dad called me a while later--he thought Mom told me about Grams! I just didn't care... Grams was gone. And I do have memories of her... I miss her. I still cry a bit about it.
Also, yesterday I found out about the passing on Monday, of an aunt of a friend of mine from back in middle school. The grieving continues. It's all a bit much, to be honest. But, death seems to have hit full-swing this year--7 deaths so far within my Circle of Friends. And it's only f@#kin' March.
Yes, 7. I stated three so far. Here's the previous four that preceeded them.
January -
- Heather's Dad [Andy's grandfather--Andy is my 4-year-old Godson]
- Billie's Grandmother [Billie is my new neighbor]
February -
- Erma's Mother-in-Law AND Aunt-in-Law [Erma is one of my drive-thru regular customers]
Monday night I had a very, VERY good cry. Cried for an hour. It felt like for ever but, I felt much better after all that. I mean, I still feel pretty freckin' miserable for the most part, and I'm still emotionally exhausted but, I'm a tough cookie nonetheless. It's hard not to feel anything, because I'm that kind of person that loves without thinking twice more often than not. I grieve, I suffer, and I hurt--all because I love. So when someone dies... yeah... I can feel the suffering. And it hurts. But by the Grace of God, I don't suffer in vain. And I don't suffer alone.
So... yeah... that's pretty much March so far. Ten days in, and I already wish it was over. And that's a shame, because this month's also the six-year anniversary of when I survived my only suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been six years since the darkest of what I call my personal "eclipse"--it hasn't really sunk in the wanting to celebrate, sadly, due to the death that's hit. And I know I cried a lot of tears so far this week--there'll be more to cry, that is certain. But, I'll be somewhere at the intersection of Mourning and Joyful somewhere... when it does meet. Somehow. And, God willing, soon.
Until then... *sigh*
~ me
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