So the washer at work wouldn't start. The towel-detergent dispenser wouldn't start after the washer DID start. The rush didn't stop. A ketchup pump is missing parts. The drive-thru system went absolutely psycho. And that was just TODAY--AT WORK.
And to think that last night's IM conversation with Yuuki was what brought me to that much-needed good cry--because... well... right now... he's facing the possibility of leaving. As in, having to move... out of state. And, it hurts, because I won't be able to see him anymore. I haven't seen him since last Tuesday, when I went to get the hat for my costume... and, I'm afraid that, that would be the last time I'd ever get to see him. To be honest, I haven't cried so much over a guy in a long damn time... last night, I just couldn't stop crying. Didn't even fall asleep until sometime after 11:30 last night, and I still couldn't sleep all that great. Lovely--I meet someone in the area, that I actually like... only to end up facng the very real possibility of losing him. It hurts.
I am doing my best not to think about it, but granted that it was only the start of hell on earth that expanded throughout my workday today, it's very difficult right now. While I haven't thought of the problem much throughout the day at work, it's still a deep-enough wound in my heart. And especially with time running very, very thin right now... I can't really push the matter far enough from my mind. It's far too soon. It's... tomorrow. That's how painfully close the matter is to me. And what sucks is that, I really like him. Now... I get to lose him. Already. It's very nice how life deals a very cruel hand to us now, isn't it?
Latin-O and I will continue on with plans as originally sorted--going out tomorrow after he [Latin-O] is done with work for the day/eventide. Tomorrow night, I am going to make the best of things--or, at least, try to anyway. It's going to be difficult though, because of the emotionally exhausted state I am currently in; however, I am determined to press onward--even if it kills me. I am not going to become Miss Remy Thames for Halloween in vain... especially if Latin-O is going as Ash from the "Evil Dead" movie trilogy. But, I didn't plot up a costume like Remy's for nothing, really...
Wednesday, I won't be having a day off like I usually do. In fact, at the moment, this is what next week looks like. Pay attention--you'll see why:
Sunday 1 November ~ All Saints Day ~ Evensong at 4 P.M., Saint Barnabas Church.
Monday 2 November ~ All Souls Day ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Tuesday 3 November ~ Work [12 P.M. - 8 P.M.] - Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November ~ WORK [5 A.M. - 2 P.M.] - VISIT FROM CORPORATE! ~ F.A.M. Night/Discipleship class [Dinner 5:30 P.M. ~ Class 6:30-7:30 P.M.]
Thursday 5 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.] ~ D.O.K. Meeting [7-8 P.M.]
Friday 6 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Saturday 7 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Sunday 8 November ~ Church
As of right now, Auntie [that's my new nickname for my First Assistant Manager] isn't sure when my other day off will be yet, but she will be sure to schedule me that second day off. When I know more of when, I will post and update y'all.
In the meantime, I have been having a severe temper with much of the people I have to deal with--in particular one person who said yesterday, "And who the fuck would want to hang out with a blue-haired punk like YOU!?" Needless to say, that's been a major wound in my nerves. Yes, I am more over it. As to the emotional state of the heart, however... that is another story. It's going to be a very long weekend ahead.
Tired, worn out, and heartbroken...
~ me
30 October 2009
24 October 2009
Chapter 221 ~ The Lonelier the Soul...
So it seems that, I... I hurt. This week, with the exception of Wednesday, had been a helluva rough one. One that, really, I swear I could almost scream if I wanted to. If I had my way, the earth--or at least my apartment building anyway--would've been shaken by just one scream born of frustration and hurt and tears. There is so much to take on, between having to deal with delayed Crew Trainer meetings [we haven't had an actual meeting since MID-SEPTEMBER!], and always forgetting to restock the Advil for these headaches/knee aches/back aches/whatever-else-aches, and beginning to fully assemble my costume for next Saturday [which, by the way, I still have no plans], and dealing with Drive-Thru and life and Typist's Block and... and...
I haven't had a good cry. I'm so damn overwhelmed. I want to cry but I can't--the tears won't let me. So I've had to keep suppressing them... I hate doing that. I can't keep it all in me, because I'm scared that sooner or later, my inner hurt will get the better of me and, I... I'll end up snapping. God forbid that it be at anyone I hold dear to me, be it friend, family, or even Yuuki. My problem is, I hold it all in for so long, that one day it just... it just explodes. Someone gets hurt. I don't want that to happen--I want to just cry, let it out. Get it out of the way. Let it go and go on with my life. And yet... right now... I can't.
In due time, I suppose, the tears will fall. Until then, I must hope, and stay strong somehow. But, I have to let it out too--I can't let it kill me inside.
Also, I still have no plans for Halloween. Still. I was thinking of another horror-movie night at Yuuki's but, not sure if he or our friend Latin-O are up for it. Latin-O has just finished putting together a crucial part of his costume too. So, I don't know. The last thing I'd really want to end up doing is sit in front of the laptop in chat with nothing better to do, on Halloween. And I'm not up for helping at Trunk-or-Treat at church this year either. So... yeah... this Halloween might actually suck, the way things are looking right now.
*sigh* I am always hoping things will get better. So why do I always feel like I'm in the wrong on this?
Feeling so alone
[as opposed to last weekend]...
~ me
I haven't had a good cry. I'm so damn overwhelmed. I want to cry but I can't--the tears won't let me. So I've had to keep suppressing them... I hate doing that. I can't keep it all in me, because I'm scared that sooner or later, my inner hurt will get the better of me and, I... I'll end up snapping. God forbid that it be at anyone I hold dear to me, be it friend, family, or even Yuuki. My problem is, I hold it all in for so long, that one day it just... it just explodes. Someone gets hurt. I don't want that to happen--I want to just cry, let it out. Get it out of the way. Let it go and go on with my life. And yet... right now... I can't.
In due time, I suppose, the tears will fall. Until then, I must hope, and stay strong somehow. But, I have to let it out too--I can't let it kill me inside.
Also, I still have no plans for Halloween. Still. I was thinking of another horror-movie night at Yuuki's but, not sure if he or our friend Latin-O are up for it. Latin-O has just finished putting together a crucial part of his costume too. So, I don't know. The last thing I'd really want to end up doing is sit in front of the laptop in chat with nothing better to do, on Halloween. And I'm not up for helping at Trunk-or-Treat at church this year either. So... yeah... this Halloween might actually suck, the way things are looking right now.
*sigh* I am always hoping things will get better. So why do I always feel like I'm in the wrong on this?
Feeling so alone
[as opposed to last weekend]...
~ me
19 October 2009
Chapter 220 ~ Stand or Fall
Damn... it's been a month since I last had a venting moment. Since... since life gave me a chance to actually breathe, let alone get enough for me to stand up on my own again. Still, much has happened, and I believe it's proper that I get some sort of update in.
Ready? All right. Here we go.
First and foremost, as of some two weeks from yesterday... well, I turned a year older. Tonight I am 26 years, two weeks, and one day old. Or rather, young. And it is now mid-October... and cold as hell. Seriously. I'm trying to enjoy the fresh air outside, but it's not easy to without a couple of layers and a blanket. For all I care, we might as well start singing "Jingle Bells!!" [The scariest of it is, it's not even Halloween, and the Walgreens next to my job is already starting to PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS STUFF!?
...uhm, yeah. I think I'd might as well find my Menorah now. When's Hanukkah this year anyway?? And where's my calendar for that matter...]
Second, yes, I am also still kind of single. Yes. Key words: "kind of." It's a bit of a long story but, I'm kind of seeing someone. I don't want to mention names because, God forbid, if Siren reads this [and I'm sure he will, sad to admit] he's probably gonna say something, or start some sort of B.S. which, to be honest, is the last thing I need. And especially after all the crap he's pulled this year so far. Yes, I have not forgotten. And I know there is more to add to what-all he's pulled on me so far but, I refuse to speak about it, and only because it would probably upset me all over again, so I am trying to block it out. But anyway, back to the topic on hand--as for the person I'm kind of seeing, yes, I like him. And the only person, in the end, that I'm making this such a big deal to, is myself. I mean, I have forgotten more or less what it's like to actually hug and kiss someone, dang bloody nabbit!
Now I'm sure that there's bound to be more than one jealous person within the Underground reading this [believe me, there's always one in the crowd at least], and I'm sure someone's gonna be upset about it. But, there is one thing I should let y'all understand. Read this loud and clear--I am not going to let some jealous people break my little dose of happiness. At the same time, however, I will be rather headstrong about it, because I have had my share of the jealous guys who think they're all that-much-better and a bag of potato chips. However, arrogance = absolute turn-OFF. It's bad enough I deal with arrogant people who think they run my Drive-Thru day in and day out. I don't need to deal with arrogant people saying that they're better than the person I'm seeing--that, alone, will result in an immediate "F@#k off" from me. Fair warning. I don't like arrogant people--and those of you within the Underground that know me well enough, know well where I stand with arrogance. I won't deal with it. I *will* dismiss it very quickly. Unless you're among the VERY FEW in the world that can pull it off and get away with it--and trust me there's a few... but, why would I want to stray so off-topic?
So, yeah, I'm sort of seeing someone. I like him. A lot. And I am happy. And if you don't like it, tough. I don't care. I'm happy. I'd rather be happy than be miserable. And the one I'm seeing, he makes me happy.
There. I've said it.
Meanwhile, we've been rockin' the suburbs at work. We even have a new record to break as of last month--138 cars, 12-1 P.M., about a week after my last update. And, another record set, this time my own, by myself, for Breakfast Rush: 115 Cars, taking the order and paying them out. And to think that I'd been trying to beat 111 for at least a year now! Well, I pulled it off, and upped the bar. I want to beat it, but... not now, not right away. And I think it's because, it's still trying to sink in. I think it was last week or the week before... I don't remember... but I did it. It was definitely earlier this month, and after my Birthday. This, I'm certain of. I just wish I had the car count for that morning... dang nabbit.
And in other news, I am trying to make time for friends. More time for friends. And more time for him whose name shall remain silent--trust me, he knows who he is. Especially with the reasons why I won't say any names. I do know, however, that at some point I should find a codename for here. Because, of course, for the most part that's how it usually is within the Underground--codenames, and plenty of! But, for the moment, no names need be said. He knows who he is, and that is plenty enough. Anyways... yeah. I'm just trying to make time now. Time that for the longest time was lost to a relationship that was broken between silence and distance. Time that for a while was lost to a war against an ex who to this day still deservs no respect. Time that, for so long, was lost to life and all its problems, issues, heartaches, battles, headaches, and tears. I'm trying to make time...
it's so damn difficult to make time.
But, I want to make time. There are friends I haven't seen in a while, and there are those I want to see more often. There is so much I want to do, but unfortunately time and circumstance puts me at a disadvantage. Still, I will not falter, nor will I let it hurt me. I just have to make time, and I will.
Tonight, as I sit here, typing, updating on the twists and turns of my life... there is so much in my train of thought. I'm already thinking of another playlist. And I'm still putting my Halloween costume together. There is someone that I'm thinking of, that I'm missing right now. And there is a crazy long day I have to face tomorrow, with a Crew Meeting just before Kids Night tomorrow. There is so much to think about. However, I will not let these things overwhelm me. I am much stronger than I realise... sometimes my own inner strength almost scares me, I'll admit. But, it's surprising, really.
And so, in light of where I stand, and in light of my headstrong opinions on things, this is my song of the night [and where I got the title of tonight's entry from]:
"Stand or Fall"|The Fixx [Song of the Night]
With that all said, I think I am going to rest up for the eventide. Long day to face tomorrow--not like I'm not ready to face it. But, there has been a lot on my mind, probably a bit more than what-all I've mentioned here tonight. However, these are the main whims of the heart and mind tonight, and probably best that I just keep things to how I've got them here. In the end, my heart is my own--and whoever and whatever dwells within it, is for me to decide.
Standing for myself, and what my heart believes in
[which, mind you, is quite a whole lot!]...
~ me
Ready? All right. Here we go.
First and foremost, as of some two weeks from yesterday... well, I turned a year older. Tonight I am 26 years, two weeks, and one day old. Or rather, young. And it is now mid-October... and cold as hell. Seriously. I'm trying to enjoy the fresh air outside, but it's not easy to without a couple of layers and a blanket. For all I care, we might as well start singing "Jingle Bells!!" [The scariest of it is, it's not even Halloween, and the Walgreens next to my job is already starting to PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS STUFF!?
...uhm, yeah. I think I'd might as well find my Menorah now. When's Hanukkah this year anyway?? And where's my calendar for that matter...]
Second, yes, I am also still kind of single. Yes. Key words: "kind of." It's a bit of a long story but, I'm kind of seeing someone. I don't want to mention names because, God forbid, if Siren reads this [and I'm sure he will, sad to admit] he's probably gonna say something, or start some sort of B.S. which, to be honest, is the last thing I need. And especially after all the crap he's pulled this year so far. Yes, I have not forgotten. And I know there is more to add to what-all he's pulled on me so far but, I refuse to speak about it, and only because it would probably upset me all over again, so I am trying to block it out. But anyway, back to the topic on hand--as for the person I'm kind of seeing, yes, I like him. And the only person, in the end, that I'm making this such a big deal to, is myself. I mean, I have forgotten more or less what it's like to actually hug and kiss someone, dang bloody nabbit!
Now I'm sure that there's bound to be more than one jealous person within the Underground reading this [believe me, there's always one in the crowd at least], and I'm sure someone's gonna be upset about it. But, there is one thing I should let y'all understand. Read this loud and clear--I am not going to let some jealous people break my little dose of happiness. At the same time, however, I will be rather headstrong about it, because I have had my share of the jealous guys who think they're all that-much-better and a bag of potato chips. However, arrogance = absolute turn-OFF. It's bad enough I deal with arrogant people who think they run my Drive-Thru day in and day out. I don't need to deal with arrogant people saying that they're better than the person I'm seeing--that, alone, will result in an immediate "F@#k off" from me. Fair warning. I don't like arrogant people--and those of you within the Underground that know me well enough, know well where I stand with arrogance. I won't deal with it. I *will* dismiss it very quickly. Unless you're among the VERY FEW in the world that can pull it off and get away with it--and trust me there's a few... but, why would I want to stray so off-topic?
So, yeah, I'm sort of seeing someone. I like him. A lot. And I am happy. And if you don't like it, tough. I don't care. I'm happy. I'd rather be happy than be miserable. And the one I'm seeing, he makes me happy.
There. I've said it.
Meanwhile, we've been rockin' the suburbs at work. We even have a new record to break as of last month--138 cars, 12-1 P.M., about a week after my last update. And, another record set, this time my own, by myself, for Breakfast Rush: 115 Cars, taking the order and paying them out. And to think that I'd been trying to beat 111 for at least a year now! Well, I pulled it off, and upped the bar. I want to beat it, but... not now, not right away. And I think it's because, it's still trying to sink in. I think it was last week or the week before... I don't remember... but I did it. It was definitely earlier this month, and after my Birthday. This, I'm certain of. I just wish I had the car count for that morning... dang nabbit.
And in other news, I am trying to make time for friends. More time for friends. And more time for him whose name shall remain silent--trust me, he knows who he is. Especially with the reasons why I won't say any names. I do know, however, that at some point I should find a codename for here. Because, of course, for the most part that's how it usually is within the Underground--codenames, and plenty of! But, for the moment, no names need be said. He knows who he is, and that is plenty enough. Anyways... yeah. I'm just trying to make time now. Time that for the longest time was lost to a relationship that was broken between silence and distance. Time that for a while was lost to a war against an ex who to this day still deservs no respect. Time that, for so long, was lost to life and all its problems, issues, heartaches, battles, headaches, and tears. I'm trying to make time...
it's so damn difficult to make time.
But, I want to make time. There are friends I haven't seen in a while, and there are those I want to see more often. There is so much I want to do, but unfortunately time and circumstance puts me at a disadvantage. Still, I will not falter, nor will I let it hurt me. I just have to make time, and I will.
Tonight, as I sit here, typing, updating on the twists and turns of my life... there is so much in my train of thought. I'm already thinking of another playlist. And I'm still putting my Halloween costume together. There is someone that I'm thinking of, that I'm missing right now. And there is a crazy long day I have to face tomorrow, with a Crew Meeting just before Kids Night tomorrow. There is so much to think about. However, I will not let these things overwhelm me. I am much stronger than I realise... sometimes my own inner strength almost scares me, I'll admit. But, it's surprising, really.
And so, in light of where I stand, and in light of my headstrong opinions on things, this is my song of the night [and where I got the title of tonight's entry from]:
"Stand or Fall"|The Fixx [Song of the Night]
With that all said, I think I am going to rest up for the eventide. Long day to face tomorrow--not like I'm not ready to face it. But, there has been a lot on my mind, probably a bit more than what-all I've mentioned here tonight. However, these are the main whims of the heart and mind tonight, and probably best that I just keep things to how I've got them here. In the end, my heart is my own--and whoever and whatever dwells within it, is for me to decide.
Standing for myself, and what my heart believes in
[which, mind you, is quite a whole lot!]...
~ me
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