So, alas, another year, and you come and leave me now, November. And bringing with you, were an inspection on week one. Insomnia and misery on week two. Three funerals on week three. A long week of exhausting misery last week. Yesterday you brought a missed moment in being in the Christmas picture. Tonight... you bring back heartache, reminding me of just how truly alone I am, how truly alone I will always be. I hate you... I HATE YOU!
Eleven years ago, you began an almost-six-year fight that would've, should've left me dead. I should not be here. I should not be alive. I should not be existing. Don't tell me otherwise--because you, November, are a liar. I cannot, will not, ever believe you--because I have made that mistake before. And I have been sorely mistaken. I have learned my lesson. And I will never find hope in you, ever again.
You brought me another month of misery. Right now, I miss my Sissy. I miss a few people in my uncommon existence. I am scared that I might truly end up alone... I'm 26 years old... that should be the last thing on my worries, but it's not. All I can think of is, how the hell did I end up so alone, sick to my stomach in misery and wanting to tear myself apart? If I am invited to eat, I don't want to eat, but I eat or else I risk starving myself to death. This pain... while much of it is not my own... the pain I'm feeling right now... I feel so... so...
empty.
That's all that seems to be remaining of me now. Emptiness. A hollow shell. And a dull, aching pain of a headache, of all the tears I've cried this month. I should've cried enough to make a river to drown in. Yes, I feel that empty inside. And there is nothing that you or anyone can do to make me say or feel otherwise. Not tonight. Not now.
So this is my farewell letter to another you, November, as you die and go away for another year. Thank you for leaving me hollow, empty, miserable. As I had always been around this time of year. Thank you for making me look forward to Christmas... in a way that, I won't be looking forward to it this year. Thank you for lying to me, telling me this year would be better than the last. Thank you for convincing me that I belonged, that I was meant to exist, that I was loved... thank you for lying to me, and making me believe it.
November, I hate you. Goodbye.
~ me
*Song of the Week*
"Cast No Shadow" [UNKLE Beachhead Remix] - Oasis
Note to those reading via Facebook: the video is posted on my Wall.*
30 November 2009
14 November 2009
Chapter 225 ~ The Gloomy
I hate November. It's the one month of the year I get depressed the most. And it's usually at its worst for the year. I've already pissed off a good handful of people because the stress level went into overload; I can't really get enthusiastic about stuff because I'm afraid something's going to horrendously wrong. And I don't really feel at my most creative... if anything, it's a much darker mood. I don't know...
Part of it has to do with three people that the Daughters and I have been praying for, for a while, who've passed away this week. One of them, Mary Helen, was one of the original Daughters within the Chapter. So, at the moment, I'm kind of in mourning for those three until the last Funeral, which is for Mary Helen, on Thursday afternoon. As a result, there will be NO Thusday Tradition this Thursday upcoming, as I will be attending the Funeral.
Meanwhile, I haven't really had the chance to catch up with Latin-O and see how plans for next Saturday are looking. And, to be honest, I should probably do that, and soon too. Like, now even. I am still hoping for the best, that we will get to hang out again.
Right now... I just feel like... bleah...
~ me
Part of it has to do with three people that the Daughters and I have been praying for, for a while, who've passed away this week. One of them, Mary Helen, was one of the original Daughters within the Chapter. So, at the moment, I'm kind of in mourning for those three until the last Funeral, which is for Mary Helen, on Thursday afternoon. As a result, there will be NO Thusday Tradition this Thursday upcoming, as I will be attending the Funeral.
Meanwhile, I haven't really had the chance to catch up with Latin-O and see how plans for next Saturday are looking. And, to be honest, I should probably do that, and soon too. Like, now even. I am still hoping for the best, that we will get to hang out again.
Right now... I just feel like... bleah...
~ me
12 November 2009
The Thursday Tradition #...?
Yes. I lost count. BUT, it's gonna be an interesting Thursday Tradition, because for the first Tradition in months, it's a good ol' slew of YouTubes. But, trust me. It's all good.
First and foremost, here's a bit of a surprise from Newsweek. And while it doesn't touch on everything, it *does* touch on some of the most memorable stuff that went down in the last decade. Yes, it's almost 2010 already. That said...
The Decade in 7 Minutes - Newsweek
Next up, ah yes. One of those pop-ish, overplayed songs. But you know what? I love it. It was my Song of the Week for last week [despite a 6-day workweek and major temper tantrum from hell]. I find myself singing along to it at work. Yes, don't lie--it's addictive.
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
From the heart of the Indie Intelligence files, an all-but-forgotten favorite song of mine. And, in fact, it's what I'm considering as my Classic Indie Intelligence Song of the Year for 2009, which I will be doing sometime next month for the final Thursday Tradition of this year--and so much as this DECADE! That said, from the year 1994, a 15-year-old gem,
Skull - Sebadoh
And digging deeper into the Indie Intelligence files, a brand-spankin'-new addition. One of many, actually. But, here's a really interesting one, particularly as the song came out in 1978. Fair warning--it is DEFINITELY not of the usualities within the Indie Intelligence files. All the more reason it BELONGS in the I2 files! All I can say now is, you. have. been. warned!
Warm Leatherette - The Normal
Surfacing somewhere slightly closer to the usualities of the I2 files, is a song that has also been a favorite. Well, more like a favorite of the I2 files' usualities. Great song all in all. Grand classic.
Love My Way - The Psychedlic Furs
Once again, this song surfaces for the first time in about a month or so. And it's a nomination for Anthem of the Year for this year for me. We all know this tune... LOL! And, yes, this -is- the video for it. Sing along, you Underground loons...
Stand or Fall - The Fixx
Now, sing-along done, get your ass up and dance. Yes, y'all read proper. Because this is another new addition to the I2 files--and THIS one, y'all didn't see coming. In fact, this was [and SO is] the anthem to Halloween 2009. And to think this was old-school freestyle musique!! Now, that said, GET YOUR ASS UP AND DANCE!!
Don't Stop the Rock - FreeStyle
And, to close it all up, is the Song of the Week. I *love* this song. And at this point, the lyrics speak up enough for me, especially the chorus. The song is awesomeness. And it's my
*Song of the Week* This and That - Michael Penn
We will return to your regularly-scheduled madness tomorrow. I promise.
Raisin' the noise, raisin' the roof...
~ me
First and foremost, here's a bit of a surprise from Newsweek. And while it doesn't touch on everything, it *does* touch on some of the most memorable stuff that went down in the last decade. Yes, it's almost 2010 already. That said...
The Decade in 7 Minutes - Newsweek
Next up, ah yes. One of those pop-ish, overplayed songs. But you know what? I love it. It was my Song of the Week for last week [despite a 6-day workweek and major temper tantrum from hell]. I find myself singing along to it at work. Yes, don't lie--it's addictive.
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
From the heart of the Indie Intelligence files, an all-but-forgotten favorite song of mine. And, in fact, it's what I'm considering as my Classic Indie Intelligence Song of the Year for 2009, which I will be doing sometime next month for the final Thursday Tradition of this year--and so much as this DECADE! That said, from the year 1994, a 15-year-old gem,
Skull - Sebadoh
And digging deeper into the Indie Intelligence files, a brand-spankin'-new addition. One of many, actually. But, here's a really interesting one, particularly as the song came out in 1978. Fair warning--it is DEFINITELY not of the usualities within the Indie Intelligence files. All the more reason it BELONGS in the I2 files! All I can say now is, you. have. been. warned!
Warm Leatherette - The Normal
Surfacing somewhere slightly closer to the usualities of the I2 files, is a song that has also been a favorite. Well, more like a favorite of the I2 files' usualities. Great song all in all. Grand classic.
Love My Way - The Psychedlic Furs
Once again, this song surfaces for the first time in about a month or so. And it's a nomination for Anthem of the Year for this year for me. We all know this tune... LOL! And, yes, this -is- the video for it. Sing along, you Underground loons...
Stand or Fall - The Fixx
Now, sing-along done, get your ass up and dance. Yes, y'all read proper. Because this is another new addition to the I2 files--and THIS one, y'all didn't see coming. In fact, this was [and SO is] the anthem to Halloween 2009. And to think this was old-school freestyle musique!! Now, that said, GET YOUR ASS UP AND DANCE!!
Don't Stop the Rock - FreeStyle
And, to close it all up, is the Song of the Week. I *love* this song. And at this point, the lyrics speak up enough for me, especially the chorus. The song is awesomeness. And it's my
*Song of the Week* This and That - Michael Penn
We will return to your regularly-scheduled madness tomorrow. I promise.
Raisin' the noise, raisin' the roof...
~ me
09 November 2009
Chapter 224 ~ Change of Heart
So much has gone on... so much...
For one, today I have decided to say an almost-bitter "Goodbye" without even saying it, to Yuuki. As I haven't really been able to speak with him at all since that last IM almost two weeks ago, and as I am afraid he has moved to New York and--possibly--begun to go on with his life... yeah. I have feared a bit of the worse, and while it's only been about a month since I'd met him, sadly the time arrives to say farewell and move on. Of course it pains me a bit inside, because, hey! I actually liked Yuuki. But, I guess, life dealt us a cold hand. And I have to come to accept it--and, tough to admit it but, I have.
On the other hand, I have found myself wanting to spend more time with Latin-O, and partly because of the kiss from All Hallow's Weekend. While I don't necessarily see myself as betraying anyone whatsoever--remember, Yuuki and Latin-O are [or were?] friends--I wonder if I have to really take up Yuuki's advice to "find someone who can be there." It's not going to be easy but... who knows? And what does Latin-O see in me? I guess it's probably more than I'd realised. However, I don't want to jump the gun on anything. So, here's hoping that maybe, after some three or four years of being friends, maybe there might be something there that wasn't there before. I don't know... we will see.
Last week I survived a very long workweek, complete with an Inspection--which I survived on some five hours' sleep. By the way, we passed. Still though, the week had a way of messing me up and over, especially with my sleeping patterns. Yeah, it was a rough week last week. This week however, my schedule's back to normal so I have my Wednesday off. And that means, more lost sleep to catch up on. More sleep is a good thing, especially since I'd lost enough sleep last week and had to make up for it and, thus, missing Discipleship class AND Services on last Wednesday and this past Sunday. I owe my team plenty. *sigh*
So... that was pretty much last week in a nutshell. I still have much to do before I try to finalise plans with Latin-O for Saturday 21 November, to hang out with him again. Hopefully, well, things go through somehow. *fingers crossed*
Wishing... wondering...
[hoping... and moving on...]
~ me
For one, today I have decided to say an almost-bitter "Goodbye" without even saying it, to Yuuki. As I haven't really been able to speak with him at all since that last IM almost two weeks ago, and as I am afraid he has moved to New York and--possibly--begun to go on with his life... yeah. I have feared a bit of the worse, and while it's only been about a month since I'd met him, sadly the time arrives to say farewell and move on. Of course it pains me a bit inside, because, hey! I actually liked Yuuki. But, I guess, life dealt us a cold hand. And I have to come to accept it--and, tough to admit it but, I have.
On the other hand, I have found myself wanting to spend more time with Latin-O, and partly because of the kiss from All Hallow's Weekend. While I don't necessarily see myself as betraying anyone whatsoever--remember, Yuuki and Latin-O are [or were?] friends--I wonder if I have to really take up Yuuki's advice to "find someone who can be there." It's not going to be easy but... who knows? And what does Latin-O see in me? I guess it's probably more than I'd realised. However, I don't want to jump the gun on anything. So, here's hoping that maybe, after some three or four years of being friends, maybe there might be something there that wasn't there before. I don't know... we will see.
Last week I survived a very long workweek, complete with an Inspection--which I survived on some five hours' sleep. By the way, we passed. Still though, the week had a way of messing me up and over, especially with my sleeping patterns. Yeah, it was a rough week last week. This week however, my schedule's back to normal so I have my Wednesday off. And that means, more lost sleep to catch up on. More sleep is a good thing, especially since I'd lost enough sleep last week and had to make up for it and, thus, missing Discipleship class AND Services on last Wednesday and this past Sunday. I owe my team plenty. *sigh*
So... that was pretty much last week in a nutshell. I still have much to do before I try to finalise plans with Latin-O for Saturday 21 November, to hang out with him again. Hopefully, well, things go through somehow. *fingers crossed*
Wishing... wondering...
[hoping... and moving on...]
~ me
02 November 2009
Chapter 223 ~ Somewhere Between Hope and Confusion
For the first time in a very, very long time, I confess: my heart is confused.
No, I'm serious. I... I don't know what the f@#k to do.
You have no idea what the Helen of Troy I mean, do you? Well, sha'up and let me talk.
See, right now, I have absolutely no clue on how Yuuki is, granted the situation at present. I haven't really spoken with him since Thursday, and at the moment I'm afraid the situation isn't looking very good at all. For all I know, he's probably just too busy to even have time to want to see me... yes, I know, it's harsh. And perhaps it's cruel of me to think that way but, when I face the reality that... that I'm not going to see him again, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try to make an effort... it makes that much of a difference. This is how I'm trying to handle the heartache. This is how I have to handle the heartache. I... I have to face the fact that it's already time to let him go.
On the other hand... the friend of mine who introduced me to him in the first place... Latin-O... well... he... he kissed me goodnight on All Saints morning. Yes, at around 4 or 5 A.M. Sunday morning. After we finally got back into town from our insane Halloween adventure, complete with dancing, Pac-Man and a near-fight at an iHop. Now mind, this had been the best Halloween I'd gone throgh in quite a few years, and I can't quite remember the last time I had an outrageous 26-27 hours awake straight through. But this... well, this had quite an interesting twist when he kissed me goodnight. And, well, while he's been a friend of mine for some 3 or 4 years, and while I've kinda-sorta liked him all the while, I hadn't really found myself looking at him a bit differently until this past weekend. Sooo... yeah...
Hence, my heart is confused. I mean, it's... yeah... very confused... I mean, how the hell do I seem to find myself thinking of someone else differently, as I'm slowly letting go of another person because real life is so damn cold to us? It's a rather startling--and frightening--epiphany. So, for the moment, I'm just going to keep proper silence and let it all sink in, try to make some sense of it all. Or at least try to make time to make sense of it. Time right now is very, very scarce this week.
This is what my work schedule looks like:
Today: Worked 5 A.M.-1 P.M. and ran some errands.
Tuesday 3 November [tomorrow]: Work [12-8 P.M.] + Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November: Work [5 A.M.-2 P.M.] + INSPECTION!
Thursday 5 November through Saturday 7 November: Work [5 A.M.-1 P.M.]
Sooo... uhm... yeah... tonight seems to be my only free night. Damn. *sigh* It's my only night to get anything done, basically. Between thoughts and work and my busy life... I fear I might not have much time for much else. Probably sleep, IM and eating. And a phone conversation or two, but that's besides the point.
In light of the confusion of the heart... I present the song of the following...
Song of the Week--> "The Boss" - Diana Ross
[This is the Boss D. Morales Remix, by the way.]
Enjoy the tune'age, folks. I have a long week to brace myself for, an Inspection to rock, and a helluva lot to think about.
Confused in the heart
[and that's saying much]...
~ me
No, I'm serious. I... I don't know what the f@#k to do.
You have no idea what the Helen of Troy I mean, do you? Well, sha'up and let me talk.
See, right now, I have absolutely no clue on how Yuuki is, granted the situation at present. I haven't really spoken with him since Thursday, and at the moment I'm afraid the situation isn't looking very good at all. For all I know, he's probably just too busy to even have time to want to see me... yes, I know, it's harsh. And perhaps it's cruel of me to think that way but, when I face the reality that... that I'm not going to see him again, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try to make an effort... it makes that much of a difference. This is how I'm trying to handle the heartache. This is how I have to handle the heartache. I... I have to face the fact that it's already time to let him go.
On the other hand... the friend of mine who introduced me to him in the first place... Latin-O... well... he... he kissed me goodnight on All Saints morning. Yes, at around 4 or 5 A.M. Sunday morning. After we finally got back into town from our insane Halloween adventure, complete with dancing, Pac-Man and a near-fight at an iHop. Now mind, this had been the best Halloween I'd gone throgh in quite a few years, and I can't quite remember the last time I had an outrageous 26-27 hours awake straight through. But this... well, this had quite an interesting twist when he kissed me goodnight. And, well, while he's been a friend of mine for some 3 or 4 years, and while I've kinda-sorta liked him all the while, I hadn't really found myself looking at him a bit differently until this past weekend. Sooo... yeah...
Hence, my heart is confused. I mean, it's... yeah... very confused... I mean, how the hell do I seem to find myself thinking of someone else differently, as I'm slowly letting go of another person because real life is so damn cold to us? It's a rather startling--and frightening--epiphany. So, for the moment, I'm just going to keep proper silence and let it all sink in, try to make some sense of it all. Or at least try to make time to make sense of it. Time right now is very, very scarce this week.
This is what my work schedule looks like:
Today: Worked 5 A.M.-1 P.M. and ran some errands.
Tuesday 3 November [tomorrow]: Work [12-8 P.M.] + Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November: Work [5 A.M.-2 P.M.] + INSPECTION!
Thursday 5 November through Saturday 7 November: Work [5 A.M.-1 P.M.]
Sooo... uhm... yeah... tonight seems to be my only free night. Damn. *sigh* It's my only night to get anything done, basically. Between thoughts and work and my busy life... I fear I might not have much time for much else. Probably sleep, IM and eating. And a phone conversation or two, but that's besides the point.
In light of the confusion of the heart... I present the song of the following...
Song of the Week--> "The Boss" - Diana Ross
[This is the Boss D. Morales Remix, by the way.]
Enjoy the tune'age, folks. I have a long week to brace myself for, an Inspection to rock, and a helluva lot to think about.
Confused in the heart
[and that's saying much]...
~ me
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