Sooo... I'll be honest. I've had a rather hectic week. And 'hectic' is more an understatement than you'd realise. Now since I know there's some of you looking at this going, "Oh, we know. We've read the Facebook statuses and nonsuch..."
oh, no. You don't know. And only a small handful do. So I'm just going to summarise this week in a few sentences, maybe even a few words.
Monday was a nervewreck. Tuesday brought a break-up. And I didn't want to wake up on Wednesday [but I did for F.A.M. Night]. Yesterday was hell [and chocolate syrup on the work visor--don't ask, it ain't funny]. Today... today I'm tired.
Oh and, yes, you read proper. Tuesday night I broke up with Roboter, which I suppose was a while in coming but, it was only a matter of time after the fighting and silence. Now, please, no, don't feel sorry for me. Please. I don't want anyone's pity, nor do I care for it. Break-ups hurt on both ends of the wire, no matter how peaceful or chaotic the moment of shatter is. I'm not gonna lie--I'm okay, I'm a strong girl. But [and hear me out when I say this] break-ups are a bitch, plain and simple. Not like I don't miss him [eh, I do, but just a bit] but... this is for the best. Better to lose the relationship than to lose the friend.
As for yesterday, I suppose I can explain the chocolate syrup incident. Here's the sitch--I was in the Front Drive-Thru area, multitasking between taking orders and helping in making drinks. I was about to start making a Hot Chocolate, and I'd just put in the chocolate syrup and... I swear, I've no idea what the Helen of Troy happened but, between trying to avoid my coworker Mary's elbow, and my trying to pay attention between the drink and the order on the Speaker... the next thing I knew, *THUNK!!* the cup dropped from my grasp [damnit, how!?], hit the floor, and chocolate syrup went *everywhere*. Got my face and under the brim of my visor. Boy was that a laugh... well, Mary and I got a light laugh out of it, but the rest of the day [I'm not even gonna go there either] brought me to a crying fit with Manager Carlina in the Managers' Office. Yeah, yesterday was that bad.
So... that's just about the gist of things here on this front. That's the current State of this thing called Me. I'm just... bleah. Plain and simple. And it's even so much as affected me with my RP, as I'm really going through a rough Typist's Block right now, with another Typist conflict in the Forum which I am not going to go into. All I can say is, it's added to the slight bout of "Meh" that I'm in. So, yeah, all of a sudden... I don't feel so freckin' great anymore.
No, don't give me your pity. I don't want it.
~ me
18 September 2009
06 September 2009
Chapter 218 ~ Labor Day and a Long Week
Sooo, for those of us American Underground Citizens, Happy Labor Day!! Enjoy the day off [or short day, or just plain enjoy the day if you have to work]. Get some sun, chillax, and all that nonsuch!
Now, that done, a few updates are in order...
This is what this week looks like. No, don't take notes; just, pay attention, because for you fellow Frostwind typists, that's determing my RP time this week. Not to mention, it's a major slight loop. Y'all ready for this?
Today ~ Labor Day. Payday. Banks are closed [dang nabbit]. Worked 5 A.M.-2 P.M.
Tuesday 8 September ~ Work, 1-8 P.M., with Kids Night 5-8. Will be running a few errands prior to work.
Wednesday 9 September ~ WORK: 5 A.M.-1 P.M.; F.A.M. Nite resumes, 5:30-7:30 P.M. at the Church.
Thursday 10 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M., Crew Trainers Meeting 4-5 P.M., Daughters of the King meeting 7-8 P.M. at the Church.
Friday 11 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M. And hopefully some RPG time at long freckin' last!!
Saturday 12 September ~ D.O.K. Fall Assembly in Melbourne!!! *happy dances* This would pretty much be *the* big Daughters adventure of the year for me, and my first one since my Installation as Secretary last week. Yes, I will be taking lots of pics, and might even get to do a big ol' pic blogpost. Not sure as to when though, but when it's posted, trust me, y'all will know! *grin*
Oh and, just so everyone knows, Roboter DID apologise, and all has been sorted, so all is well again. Thankfully. Now we'll just have to see what happens; hopefully he'll be able to actually take the initiative for once and actually do something, like... oh, call or text me first? Well, as I said, we'll see what happens.
And on THAT bombshell, and For His Sake...
~ me
Now, that done, a few updates are in order...
This is what this week looks like. No, don't take notes; just, pay attention, because for you fellow Frostwind typists, that's determing my RP time this week. Not to mention, it's a major slight loop. Y'all ready for this?
Today ~ Labor Day. Payday. Banks are closed [dang nabbit]. Worked 5 A.M.-2 P.M.
Tuesday 8 September ~ Work, 1-8 P.M., with Kids Night 5-8. Will be running a few errands prior to work.
Wednesday 9 September ~ WORK: 5 A.M.-1 P.M.; F.A.M. Nite resumes, 5:30-7:30 P.M. at the Church.
Thursday 10 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M., Crew Trainers Meeting 4-5 P.M., Daughters of the King meeting 7-8 P.M. at the Church.
Friday 11 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M. And hopefully some RPG time at long freckin' last!!
Saturday 12 September ~ D.O.K. Fall Assembly in Melbourne!!! *happy dances* This would pretty much be *the* big Daughters adventure of the year for me, and my first one since my Installation as Secretary last week. Yes, I will be taking lots of pics, and might even get to do a big ol' pic blogpost. Not sure as to when though, but when it's posted, trust me, y'all will know! *grin*
Oh and, just so everyone knows, Roboter DID apologise, and all has been sorted, so all is well again. Thankfully. Now we'll just have to see what happens; hopefully he'll be able to actually take the initiative for once and actually do something, like... oh, call or text me first? Well, as I said, we'll see what happens.
And on THAT bombshell, and For His Sake...
~ me
05 September 2009
Chapter 217 ~ Some Small Self-Betrayal
So... just now... I sent someone a text... that I didn't want to send him that text but, that I wished him a Happy Birthday, that I was sorry, that I love him.
But, that's all I said, and that's... that's probably all he's going to get from me unless he opens up and stops shutting me away. I... I really didn't want to send him that text, mainly because I've been rather upset with him, and because I've been prefering to wait on HIM to do something. Anything. He's 27 years old for crying out loud...
*sigh* So tonight, I'm in the company of a few fellow RP typists... cue a special "Heylo!!" to the fellow Frostwind typists who are reading this. But anyway... tonight it's the only way I'm gonna have to keep from crying like an emo on a bad hair day. [Don't ask as to where the Helen of Troy I got that from.] Or from doing something stupid or irrational. Or God only knows what.
Also... Choir's back in the whimsical swing of things tomorrow morning, and Fam-Night at Church starts up again this Wednesday. Perhaps, with the mess of things that I've landed myself in, these will keep my mind distracted and my heart busy. Or is it my heart distracted and my mind busy? I am not sure... in all of this madness, I really don't know what else to do anymore.
I want to save this. I don't want to lose Roboter. So... what now? Because if I have to call him... just to talk and settle this... fair warning: the Red Flag's gone up. It's not going to be a most pretty talk... things might not even end well. And it hurts when I feel as if I've given more than I can give... I fear that, I have given enough. More than enough. I mean, I'm walking on eggshells and broken glass now just for his sake [I mean, not literally but, you get the idea]...
I just want him to understand what I'm going through.
Yes, I'm not perfect,
I'm annoying sometimes.
I can be rather irritating.
I can even be b!tchy
[but by damn, I give a fair warning].
I'm sometimes emotional,
I'm sometimes emotionless.
I'm a punk, and a princess.
I'm a sinner, and a saint.
I love... because it's better to love than to hate.
And I... I deserve better.
"I'm getting pretty tired of living on hope..."
["What About Love" - 'Til Tuesday]
Now, granted that I'm feeling much better now considering that I've actually vented, and considering the implications and circumstances, and bracing myself for the consequences of speaking out so loud and so out of turn... I am going to mend this
[shattered
smashed
bruised
cut-up,
slashed-up
gutted
hanged
burned
scarred
bleeding]
broken heart.
The Red Flag has been raised over my heart. I don't want that Flag over my heart. I want to mend things. But I can't if he won't let me. And if he's not going to let me... then I'm not going to try anymore. Fair warning.
Wanting to Fix What Had Been Broken
[and yet, bracing for the worst]...
~ me
But, that's all I said, and that's... that's probably all he's going to get from me unless he opens up and stops shutting me away. I... I really didn't want to send him that text, mainly because I've been rather upset with him, and because I've been prefering to wait on HIM to do something. Anything. He's 27 years old for crying out loud...
*sigh* So tonight, I'm in the company of a few fellow RP typists... cue a special "Heylo!!" to the fellow Frostwind typists who are reading this. But anyway... tonight it's the only way I'm gonna have to keep from crying like an emo on a bad hair day. [Don't ask as to where the Helen of Troy I got that from.] Or from doing something stupid or irrational. Or God only knows what.
Also... Choir's back in the whimsical swing of things tomorrow morning, and Fam-Night at Church starts up again this Wednesday. Perhaps, with the mess of things that I've landed myself in, these will keep my mind distracted and my heart busy. Or is it my heart distracted and my mind busy? I am not sure... in all of this madness, I really don't know what else to do anymore.
I want to save this. I don't want to lose Roboter. So... what now? Because if I have to call him... just to talk and settle this... fair warning: the Red Flag's gone up. It's not going to be a most pretty talk... things might not even end well. And it hurts when I feel as if I've given more than I can give... I fear that, I have given enough. More than enough. I mean, I'm walking on eggshells and broken glass now just for his sake [I mean, not literally but, you get the idea]...
I just want him to understand what I'm going through.
Yes, I'm not perfect,
I'm annoying sometimes.
I can be rather irritating.
I can even be b!tchy
[but by damn, I give a fair warning].
I'm sometimes emotional,
I'm sometimes emotionless.
I'm a punk, and a princess.
I'm a sinner, and a saint.
I love... because it's better to love than to hate.
And I... I deserve better.
"I'm getting pretty tired of living on hope..."
["What About Love" - 'Til Tuesday]
Now, granted that I'm feeling much better now considering that I've actually vented, and considering the implications and circumstances, and bracing myself for the consequences of speaking out so loud and so out of turn... I am going to mend this
[shattered
smashed
bruised
cut-up,
slashed-up
gutted
hanged
burned
scarred
bleeding]
broken heart.
The Red Flag has been raised over my heart. I don't want that Flag over my heart. I want to mend things. But I can't if he won't let me. And if he's not going to let me... then I'm not going to try anymore. Fair warning.
Wanting to Fix What Had Been Broken
[and yet, bracing for the worst]...
04 September 2009
Chapter 216 ~ ...there. Better, but Still Missing.
Okay, after a few songs, and a few laughs [thankies much to my pal Berty for the YouTube of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus... and to you haters, sha'da'hey'up!!], and a LOT of ranting to my friends... I am feeling better. However, I still feel rather hollow within, and I think I realise why. The only problem is... does he? Will he? Because I've already pissed off enough people, and the last thing I need to feel is that I've pissed off the one person I love, enough for him to not even... so much as forgive me.
So there, I've said it. I'm still broken, and it's gonna be a while before I regain the last of the missing fragments of what is known as Me, before I can be my regularly-scheduled self again. Of course... unfortunately, the Month of Chaos is also in effect... yep... you know what time of the year it is. One month to my Birthday... and that's usually when all hell breaks loose.
*sigh* So... I guess the only thing I can say now is,
Happy Birthday, Roboter. I love you. I'm sorry.
And if he can't even so much as let me know as to where I stand with him... then perhaps I am not worth his time, nor his heart.
No, I am NOT airing dirty laundry out [again, sha'da'hey'up], but... if I hold it all in, it's going to kill me. And since I really am tired of always having to call him... actually, I tried to call him Tuesday night, got sent straight to voicemail. I haven't tried to call him since... because... because I am tired. I am sick and tired of having to be the one getting stewed at. Because I am sick and tired of always having to be the one calling when something goes wrong between us, only to get shoved straight into voicemail. I'm sorry but, the last time I heard... IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!!!
*sigh* Okay... I think I've said my piece for the week. But now, things are crucial. And if this doesn't get through to him... then I fear that, I may have truly reached that unwanted crossroads.
I'm just... sick and tired of everything. Of the madness at work. Of the headaches of family life. Of the pointless politics. Of my fragile heart having to be in a damn limbo again.
Sooo... yeah... I guess what's been missing from this thing called Me... has been my heart. It's a sickening epiphany, given the conversations I've had this week with everyone. However, I am sick and tired of pretending that everything's fine when it's not.
Yes, Roboter--I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! TRUST ME!!
--sorry, yes, I needed to use the Caps Lock. I needed to scream. To cry. To stop giving a damn about feeling like a damn failure in trying to set things right. I'm... I'm tired...
The worst feeling in the world is to not be forgiven. And as a friend told me earlier [thank ya's Mel'roonie],
By the way, playing guitar on his front lawn... that's not going to happen. Be sappy, me? Yeah, I'll be sappy, I'll even mope for maybe a week. But sitting on the front lawn playing the guitar? Uh... no. Not happening. But y'all get the idea.
To everyone reading this, I do NOT really want you guys to take sides. Don't. That might make matters worse. But... just... hear me out [or read me out, but y'know what I mean]... because I'm sitting here crying as I type this. And when I'm done typing I am going to bed, I am going to cry myself to sleep, and wake up to take on the whole bloody world again tomorrow. God forbid I piss anyone else off... I've already caused enough crap for the week. And I really don't need anymore madness crashing down all over me... I don't need it.
*sigh* Okay. I am... I guess... a bit better.
I can only hope now that Roboter enjoys his Birthday tomorrow, for what-all it's worth. It's his day... he should be happy about it. It's his day...
Trying to Repair the Broken Pieces
[and getting my fingers cut in the process]...
~ me
So there, I've said it. I'm still broken, and it's gonna be a while before I regain the last of the missing fragments of what is known as Me, before I can be my regularly-scheduled self again. Of course... unfortunately, the Month of Chaos is also in effect... yep... you know what time of the year it is. One month to my Birthday... and that's usually when all hell breaks loose.
*sigh* So... I guess the only thing I can say now is,
Happy Birthday, Roboter. I love you. I'm sorry.
And if he can't even so much as let me know as to where I stand with him... then perhaps I am not worth his time, nor his heart.
No, I am NOT airing dirty laundry out [again, sha'da'hey'up], but... if I hold it all in, it's going to kill me. And since I really am tired of always having to call him... actually, I tried to call him Tuesday night, got sent straight to voicemail. I haven't tried to call him since... because... because I am tired. I am sick and tired of having to be the one getting stewed at. Because I am sick and tired of always having to be the one calling when something goes wrong between us, only to get shoved straight into voicemail. I'm sorry but, the last time I heard... IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!!!
*sigh* Okay... I think I've said my piece for the week. But now, things are crucial. And if this doesn't get through to him... then I fear that, I may have truly reached that unwanted crossroads.
I'm just... sick and tired of everything. Of the madness at work. Of the headaches of family life. Of the pointless politics. Of my fragile heart having to be in a damn limbo again.
Sooo... yeah... I guess what's been missing from this thing called Me... has been my heart. It's a sickening epiphany, given the conversations I've had this week with everyone. However, I am sick and tired of pretending that everything's fine when it's not.
Yes, Roboter--I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! TRUST ME!!
--sorry, yes, I needed to use the Caps Lock. I needed to scream. To cry. To stop giving a damn about feeling like a damn failure in trying to set things right. I'm... I'm tired...
The worst feeling in the world is to not be forgiven. And as a friend told me earlier [thank ya's Mel'roonie],
Well this may sound very stereotypical, but if he REALLY loves/cares about you, he'll forgive you. Because we ALL know that we're just human, and we're all gonna say/do things we dont mean, or make mistakes. One can only hope that the other person will give us the chance to be forgiven. As long as you apoligized, really thats all you can do, unless you wanna be all sappy and do something crazy like play the guitar on his front lawn.
By the way, playing guitar on his front lawn... that's not going to happen. Be sappy, me? Yeah, I'll be sappy, I'll even mope for maybe a week. But sitting on the front lawn playing the guitar? Uh... no. Not happening. But y'all get the idea.
To everyone reading this, I do NOT really want you guys to take sides. Don't. That might make matters worse. But... just... hear me out [or read me out, but y'know what I mean]... because I'm sitting here crying as I type this. And when I'm done typing I am going to bed, I am going to cry myself to sleep, and wake up to take on the whole bloody world again tomorrow. God forbid I piss anyone else off... I've already caused enough crap for the week. And I really don't need anymore madness crashing down all over me... I don't need it.
*sigh* Okay. I am... I guess... a bit better.
I can only hope now that Roboter enjoys his Birthday tomorrow, for what-all it's worth. It's his day... he should be happy about it. It's his day...
Trying to Repair the Broken Pieces
[and getting my fingers cut in the process]...
Chapter 215 ~ Missing...
Today, after a rather rough week, and not even cheerful in the midst of Choir starting up again and my being Secretary of my D.O.K. Chapter... part of me feels missing. Terribly missing. I don't feel sound, I am not myself. And it hurts. This heart is breaking in the worst possible manner. It... it sucks. It really does. And mind you, it's one month to my 26th Birthday and, to be honest with y'all, I am not really looking forward to it, given the way things have been this past week.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I'm just tired. Sick and tired of damn near everything. Part of me wants to scream "Bah f@#king humbug!" and yet, I can't. And between the health-care controversy with the so-called "death panels" [yes, I heard plenty enough about it] and the headache and a half at work [especially with tensions rising, big time, between Manager Carlina and myself] AND perhaps the worst bout of a broken heart... I've come this close to screaming that I've damn-near had it.
*sigh* The longest month of the year has begun. Lovely.
Sooo, for those of us who's missing some part of ourselves... including myself... this is dedicated to us empty souls.
*Song of the Week*
"One of Our Submarines" ~ Thomas Dolby
Trying to find that missing piece of...
~ me
I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I'm just tired. Sick and tired of damn near everything. Part of me wants to scream "Bah f@#king humbug!" and yet, I can't. And between the health-care controversy with the so-called "death panels" [yes, I heard plenty enough about it] and the headache and a half at work [especially with tensions rising, big time, between Manager Carlina and myself] AND perhaps the worst bout of a broken heart... I've come this close to screaming that I've damn-near had it.
*sigh* The longest month of the year has begun. Lovely.
Sooo, for those of us who's missing some part of ourselves... including myself... this is dedicated to us empty souls.
*Song of the Week*
"One of Our Submarines" ~ Thomas Dolby
Trying to find that missing piece of...
01 September 2009
Chapter 214 ~ What Have I...?
In the immortal words of the Pet Shop Boys, what have I done to deserve this?
Welcome to September, fellow Underground Citizens. Unfortunately, it's rained most of the day, and Kids Night tonight was a borderline disaster. Add a conversation with Roboter that ended on a sour note--MY FAULT [I mean that]. Needless to say... I want to cry and yet, I can't. All I feel is... glum. Just, glum.
As if the day wasn't bad enough, I ended it on the worst note possible. My words got me into trouble with Roboter. I didn't mean to be so crass to him... *sigh*
I think tonight... when I finally do get to cry, I'm gonna cry for what-all it's worth. I just hope Roboter realises that, I had a bad day, and I never meant to take it out on him. Or anyone, for that matter. But with what-all I just got myself into, I don't think I'm quite so excited about Choir Practice tomorrow night anymore... let alone the Installation of Officers in the D.O.K. on Thursday Night... when I'll be installed as Secretary for my Chapter...
*sigh* Where the hell did I put the Kleenix?
~ me
Welcome to September, fellow Underground Citizens. Unfortunately, it's rained most of the day, and Kids Night tonight was a borderline disaster. Add a conversation with Roboter that ended on a sour note--MY FAULT [I mean that]. Needless to say... I want to cry and yet, I can't. All I feel is... glum. Just, glum.
As if the day wasn't bad enough, I ended it on the worst note possible. My words got me into trouble with Roboter. I didn't mean to be so crass to him... *sigh*
I think tonight... when I finally do get to cry, I'm gonna cry for what-all it's worth. I just hope Roboter realises that, I had a bad day, and I never meant to take it out on him. Or anyone, for that matter. But with what-all I just got myself into, I don't think I'm quite so excited about Choir Practice tomorrow night anymore... let alone the Installation of Officers in the D.O.K. on Thursday Night... when I'll be installed as Secretary for my Chapter...
*sigh* Where the hell did I put the Kleenix?
~ me
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