Chapter 226 ~ Goodbye, November

So, alas, another year, and you come and leave me now, November. And bringing with you, were an inspection on week one. Insomnia and misery on week two. Three funerals on week three. A long week of exhausting misery last week. Yesterday you brought a missed moment in being in the Christmas picture. Tonight... you bring back heartache, reminding me of just how truly alone I am, how truly alone I will always be. I hate you... I HATE YOU!

Eleven years ago, you began an almost-six-year fight that would've, should've left me dead. I should not be here. I should not be alive. I should not be existing. Don't tell me otherwise--because you, November, are a liar. I cannot, will not, ever believe you--because I have made that mistake before. And I have been sorely mistaken. I have learned my lesson. And I will never find hope in you, ever again.

You brought me another month of misery. Right now, I miss my Sissy. I miss a few people in my uncommon existence. I am scared that I might truly end up alone... I'm 26 years old... that should be the last thing on my worries, but it's not. All I can think of is, how the hell did I end up so alone, sick to my stomach in misery and wanting to tear myself apart? If I am invited to eat, I don't want to eat, but I eat or else I risk starving myself to death. This pain... while much of it is not my own... the pain I'm feeling right now... I feel so... so...

empty.

That's all that seems to be remaining of me now. Emptiness. A hollow shell. And a dull, aching pain of a headache, of all the tears I've cried this month. I should've cried enough to make a river to drown in. Yes, I feel that empty inside. And there is nothing that you or anyone can do to make me say or feel otherwise. Not tonight. Not now.

So this is my farewell letter to another you, November, as you die and go away for another year. Thank you for leaving me hollow, empty, miserable. As I had always been around this time of year. Thank you for making me look forward to Christmas... in a way that, I won't be looking forward to it this year. Thank you for lying to me, telling me this year would be better than the last. Thank you for convincing me that I belonged, that I was meant to exist, that I was loved... thank you for lying to me, and making me believe it.

November, I hate you. Goodbye.

~ me



*Song of the Week*
"Cast No Shadow" [UNKLE Beachhead Remix] - Oasis

Note to those reading via Facebook: the video is posted on my Wall.*