That said, I have come to a proper decision--first and foremost, my main priority, my loyalty is to God, and GOD ALONE. No one else has top priority, and yet everyone else wants to take that position. Unfortunately, I will confess, I have been finding my first month as a Daughter slightly difficult [and then again being a child of God's never easy to begin with], and it doesn't help much that my mind's been a bit sidetracked. Work, family, Roboter. And not a lot of time for friends--especially my RPG family in Frostwind. And yet, I need even more time for God, and that alone isn't easy. So with this I will be reaffirming my duty to God as a Daughter of the King, and while getting back on track ain't gonna be easy, I refuse to give up on the work that must be done on Earth, while I still have time.
My second priority, is family. Sunday nights should be spent with family, dinner and such. Unfortunately the past couple of weeks since I returned from vacation has seen me slacking in my duties as the oldest of four children, mostly due to the fact that, there hasn't been enough time or the circumstances just weren't there. I need to bring myself back to proper basics, and that means more time spent with family. Dad, [Step]Mom, Small Lady and Jester all miss me. I miss them as well, and will do my best to make up for lost time with my family. For all I know, they're the family I have now.
My third priority, I have realised last night, belongs to that of my friends and, this includes those in my extended circle of Starian Knighthood--Pouncer, Skater, Rainbow Punk, Lin-Lin, Sora-chan, Echo, Revolver: If y'all ever read this, THIS INCLUDES YOU TOO!! It has been far too long for some of us [Echo, Sora-chan... two years at least, anyone?], and I know it's been even longer since I last saw Revolver [dude, you owe me a visit, remember? lol]. I can only hope that, somehow, I can keep in touch with the extended circle of StarKnights; occasionally I talk with Pouncer, and every now and then I'll run into Skater somewhere in town. Lin-Lin still is and will always be my Second-in-Command, been that way since the StarKnights were assembled. And hopefully Rainbow Punk is STILL somewhere in the vicinity of the area... God willing and the creek don't rise...
I've also officially, as of last night, included my RPG extended family in Frostwind, especially since I have five characters [2 Nephilim, 2 Garou (werewolves), 1 Corax (were-raven technically but he turns into a bluebird)], and FW has become my only actual creative output. Between the storylines I've taken part in ["Flight of the Harpy" anyone?] and the many ways I've made use of my artsy skills with the GIMP, and not to mention my recent being a part of the Typist Mediation Committee... yes, that has been what my creativity has been swirling into as of lately. It hasn't been easy either, especially with my work schedule and all, but it has been my only main way to express myself in a way that won't make me feel so weighed-down by everything else. In all honesty, I am an RPG veteran of some 7 years, but I've never found myself more creative now than ever, in the 4 months since I "arrived" in Frostwind.
My fourth priority, is work. Yes, my schedule is a bit of a mess right now [and don't even begin to ask what this week upcoming looks like either!], but I make the best of it. It's not like I get to leave on time--I don't count on that anymore. 1 o'clock P.M.? Me out on time? Forget it. Not while we're still slammed from Lunch Rush, and that's fine. But I try to sleep when I can, which is another big part of this priority, because of the time I'm usually in at work [5 A.M.] especially. I haven't really slept a lot since I returned from vacation [yes, I *will* get to a vacation '09 post in a few days or so, still have to sort out the rest of the pics and finish getting caught up on everything else], and that's mainly because a lot has happened at work, which in a sense affects me. So basically, I'm still out of the loop, and on top of that I have a meeting Thursday afternoon at 3 P.M. [omg, when was the last time there was an actual team-leader/crew-trainer meeting? yeah, if i don't remember then it's been *that* long...] so, time will be very limited between 1 P.M. and the D.O.K. meeting at 7.
My fifth priority, is Roboter. And this I placed last, and I'll explain why. It's hard to find any heart in an otherwise heartless world. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I really do. But sometimes one falls under the whim of lust... and as of this past April, since the visit, I've come to realise that, I am highly anxious and half-past-ashamed of myself when the thought of lust crosses my mind. Yes, I love him. No, I don't think of him *that* way anymore--for one, his visit back in April, has affected me. Big time. I mean, I did all I could, tried and failed, to get him out of his state of anxiety. When he's in that mood, I am not. And I haven't been in a while, to be honest. Especially with my new responsibility as a Daughter, and I can't... I can't get myself to think of him in that way. Yes, the visit has affected me *that* much. It's hard to even talk on the phone or even answer a text, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I'll end up saying something to trigger his being in the mood. Words are one thing--actions are something else altogether. The closest I ever get to any sort of lust-esque mood, is when I'm RP'ing in Frostwind [and that only happened once, BEFORE I became a Daughter, thank you very much]. And yes, he's sorta nitpicked on me a bit about my being online more than talking with him. The main problem is... my feelings for him have changed somehow. My sexuality has been well-subdued between the visit and my becoming a Daughter, big time. I mean, yes, I'll have the occasional minor glimpse into that side of me, which nowadays, when I look back on it I think of the exes, and I almost want to rip myself apart at that. All of this and more... as you can see, this is why I actually haven't noted much on Roboter, and while things are a bit back to normal [back to work and the busy rush of life], it's not the same anymore. I just have a hard time wanting to call him, having to debate within my own nerves about it. I... I can't get around to doing it. And when I do try to call him, the timing ends up wrong. Somehow... I'm afraid I have reached a standstill in the relationship because of this, and I don't know what the Helen of Troy to do about it.
I love him. I just don't dream of him in such a manner that would degrade my soul anymore, is what-all I'm trying to say. And this is something I will have to deal with, and soon, I'm afraid. I mean, I can't subject myself anymore to such wanting to just... to just rip my soul at the seams just because of something called lust. But I need to make a better example of myself, and if I am to think of my priorities better, I have been and must continue to think proper thoughts of my duties instead of thoughts that would've cooperated with his minor bouts of the lustful state of human nature. Because if I did... I would have said something that I would've badly disciplined myself for later. I don't even look back on past phonecalls borderlining on this anymore... I have realise, This isn't how a Daughter would think on someone she loved. I just wish I knew how to approach this... perhaps this is the best--no, this is the ONLY way I can address it; I have been so afraid for so long to address this--especially since it was ME who started on all of this a good handful of months ago. [Yes, borderline-confessional here, now sha'up.] I can only hope now to God above that he understands this, and as to why he has been last on my small list of priorities proper.
I feel a lot better after this little confessional of the heart. It's difficult to be me now. I wear a silver Cross of a religious Order, take on the world in a Drive-Thru, and try to make a better example of myself somehow. Yes, I know I can pull it all off and still be a loyal family member, friend, and girlfriend; however, it is not easy when society tries to have its way with me. Yes, I've had one hell of an illustrious past, I won't lie. I'm not perfect--I'm as much as good as the next sinner. However, that doesn't mean I can't try to be a better person; I sometimes hate myself for being imperfect, but it's not so bad to the point that I'll end up wanting to end my life. No, it's not that drastic, nor anywhere near it, and that is why I'm saying what I'm saying now. In a sense, I am a post-modern Mary Magdalen, a post-modern Margaret Cortona. This is my confession, this is my penance for being neglectful to my duties, my responsibilities. My priorities. And I need to get my behind back on track.
At the moment, these are my main priorities. I know, some of you might get upset at the way I prioritize, and that is fine, it doesn't affect me all that much. If I didn't prioritise my life the way I did--God, family, friends, work, Roboter--then, somehow, I would've really lost it altogether. I can't do this anymore. In fact, I've lost sleep over that, my lack of priorities as well as losing sight of which priority was most important.
So, in closing... I'm going to pray this. When y'all read this, please... think kindly of me...
Eternal God, you created me in your image to live in harmony with all creation, but I have strayed from your laws and commandments. My sins againsgt my neighbors have brought disharmony into your kingdom. My silence does not witness to your love. I pray, God have mercy on me and forgive my transgressions. I will be restored by your grace to live life in peace and to the honor and glory of your holy Name. Amen.
