Chapter 264 ~ "When I come back down..."

Song of the Day|"Come Back Down" ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket.

*sigh* So yeah... things are quiet between Motoki and I. Although I must admit, I'm a little surprised he's been texting me a few times the past couple of days. However, right now, the way my heart's been hurting... yeah. This isn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt like this--crushes don't leave you feeling like your lungs are filled with deadened lead and your heart unable to calm down so easily.

Yeah. This is definitely *not* a crush. I'm afraid to admit that it's love though... OmG...

There was a student at the Parish School who was killed Friday... so to add to Larry's death... yeah, I'm just a wreck of sorts. Haven't really been able to calm down enough to regain all of me, between the deaths and Motoki. It's been really difficult to think straight the past few days... I don't know... I hate hurting like this but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WON'T GO AWAY.

*sigh* FML.

"Oh God, I'm so damn tired..."
~ me.

Chapter 262|Things that should've been said...

Okay... I think it's time for a muchly-overdue venting of sorts.

I think I have fallen back into a time of my life when, things just aren't so wonderful. Yeah, I know, one of y'all is probably about to say, "Geez, Jenn, not this s#!t again" but before you open your mouth and say stuff, hear me out. Please. Because this is a bit more serious than you think, and perhaps about time these things that I'm about to say are said.

First and foremost, losing both a friend and a family member in the course of two weeks, sucks. Only NOW is when the fact that I miss my Great-Uncle Ed, has been hitting me. Been this way since Saturday, when the family had his memorial service. I have in my apartment the prayer shawl I'd gotten for him the Sunday before he died... which was Sunday 2 October. Monday 3 October, the parents [Dad and Stepmom] delivered it to him, as they'd been visiting him everyday since he'd fallen terminally ill. Tuesday 4 October was my birthday--Uncle Ed died the next day with the shawl on him. After the service this past Saturday, Grandma Sharon gave the shawl to me, and the family was thankful for the shawl. But I miss him tremendously, and have cried a bit about it since.

Besides Uncle Ed's passing, inside... well... my spiritual winter has arrived a few days early. Usually the month of November is when my darkest of moods tends to hit but, this past week [and month for that matter] has decided otherwise. It's been a while since I'd felt this low but, it's not the first time I've felt like this and [unfortunately] it won't be the last.

Right now, inside, I feel very insignificant. It's not one of those passing moods when a LOT of people can get away with telling me to "snap out of it"--trust me, VERY FEW PEOPLE get away with that saying. And honestly, sometimes, I just want to smack those that should -not- be telling me to just "snap out of it." That's the thing--I CAN'T. I F#%KING CAN'T. I fight with depression every single day of my life. Been fighting it for some 12 years now, and it's a helluva fight, I can tell you this much. I can't just "snap out of it"--it doesn't always happen that way.

Part of this despairing--and this note goes to my fellow Frostwind typists out there--is because someone's had issues with me for a good while now and, I guess, hasn't let go of them. I don't like having to work so hard for so long just to make things right with someone--and mind you, I'm the kind of person that forgives and moves on for the most part. But knowing that this person won't even acknowledge a SINGLE MESSAGE IN KINDNESS that I'd sent her, makes me feel less of a person, and I die a little inside each time I check to find there's no reply from her whatsoever in my forum inbox. And it hurts but, it's not like this person gives a damn about it. And the only few typists that DO speak with me, they don't even know this until now. So yes, this is another something that's been eating me up inside, but that I've kept silent all the while. And no matter how many times I apologise to this person, I feel as if it will never do a single thing. That it will never be enough, or that it will not change this person's mind or issues with me. And sadly, this has taken a serious toll on my wanting to write, as well as my wanting to jump into storylines with said typist. So that's another piece of this depression puzzle that's getting to me.

Roleplay typing dilemma aside, right now on the inside, I feel like the most insignificant person in the world. Like everyone's doing so much better than me, and that no matter how up I try to be there is always something shoving me back into the reality that, things on my end will NOT get better. I have to force myself to smile for the world and tell them "Eh, I'm fine" more than I would like to admit. And it doesn't help me any when there are people who tell me they'll be there for me, but when I need them to hear me out they're too busy and don't have time. So on the inside... I am insignificant, isolated AND pretty much helpless. And I really don't have anything to look forward to anymore these days. I'm NOT looking forward to Christmas Lessons + Carols on Sunday 18 December because, no matter how big a deal I make of it, those that I invite [and not just to that but to EVERY Church-Choir-related something] don't come. I'm not asked to hang out with anyone more often than not. And it all comes down to me just being the... well... the outsider. I know I have coworkers and maybe a manager or two at work, say something about me behind my back--all of the simple fact that I am strange. I AM AN ABSOLUTELY ODDITY AND PEOPLE JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. Yes, I'm strange, but it doesn't help that I am the only strange human being in this bloody small town, let alone my circle of friends. And when I do try to get excited or happy over something, I don't really have anyone to relate to about it because, more often than not, it's just out of their league.

Inside, there's a piece of me that hates myself so much, for being so damned different, that it makes me want to just rip myself apart. And this is a BIG reason why I don't like using actual kitchen knives [or own an Exact-o knife]--it's because I am more than capable of harming myself. No, seriously. There are scars on my hands and left arm that go back a few years because of my self-spite--including one on my left arm that goes back 12 years. Freshman year of high school, when it all began. The most recent of the wounds was back in June, and there are scars that are still there. Sometimes I'll just run my nails down my arm, behind everyone's back at work, when the day is far too difficult over the course of the day and in the end it feels as if everyone's angry at me for God only knows what, even when it's my fault. [To my coworkers, yeah, who knew?]

This is the painful, disturbing reality that I live with every single day. It's a constant battle just to keep some sort of inner light burning even while the storm's about to extinguish it by whatever means needed. I am my own worst critic, and in my own eyes I feel as if I can't do a damn thing right or that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But all I do is try, and keep going--albeit reluctantly sometimes. There's a saying that goes "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice" and, perhaps, that's been how I've always been. I don't know. Maybe I haven't entirely a clue anymore--because, perhaps, I just never really was 'important' anyway. Perhaps that's just how bitter and hurt I am feeling right now. Because there will always be someone better than me, and I guess that's just what-all I am used to as well.

Please understand--this is NOT A SUICIDE LETTER. Far from it but still in all seriousness. This is whatever's left of me that's whispering what should've been a cry for help, for someone to just hear me the hell out. Only, I feel like it just gets ignored, or perhaps I really have done a damn-good job convincing the world that all's well when, really, "I was only dreaming" as one OMD song goes. And maybe, for now, I am just done pretending that everything's fine. I have no idea anymore, but I do know that, this is the most sense I've made to myself in a very long time. Possibly ever. I don't know about you guys though but, this is how I am feeling, and probably how I will be feeling as this inner 'spiritual winter' that is November rolls by.

"I was only dreaming
I was only trying to catch your eye
I was only wishing you would notice me..."

~ me.

Chapter 2010|FINAL

So I'm sitting here in the Crew Room at work right now, typing out what is the final Chapter of the Underground blog for 2010... and really, it's been a helluva year. I mean, thank God it's pretty much just 'bout over but, you know, it wasn't an easy year. Of course, I had my heart dented a few times, and each time I came out a bit stronger. I've lost friends AND family this year due to death, been to a handful of funerals, worked a whole lot of hours, and had a rather... erm... awkward vacation. [Yes, all the drama minus work... wow.] I have had my heart broken, and had to break hearts as well. And then there came Zokusho-chan!! [Yes, Sprocket's got a more fitting codename here on the blog. It's his Starian name. Those of y'all who know, know. Uh-huh.]

Sooo, that all having been said, let's get down to a rather crazy recapping of 2010--Trans-Underground Express style!!

First and foremost... to those who have passed on this year...
+ Grams [Great-grandma|Stepmom's side of the family]
+ Aunt Jackie [Great-Auntie Jackie|Stepmom's side of the family, Grandma Sharon's sister]
+ Lee [Jeanne's Mom|Jeanne - fellow DOK]
+ Ruthie [Gretchen's Mom|Gretchen - fellow DOK]
+ Grandpa Jim's Sister [i don't know her name unfortunately but, she is still family]
+ Janet [the blind lady whom Terry and Steffi from the Choir brought to and from Church for the past four years--she was like a Nana to me]
+ James [Seiya's Dad]
+ Jean [whom I had been praying for some time; she was on my personal prayer roster]
...may their souls and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. + Amen.

There, that done... time to really, REALLY recap the year. This is gonna get a bit, erm, discombobulated... here we go...

+ J a n u a r y |...wait, who the heck was I seeing again? Oh, right. Hideki. Huh. Meanwhile, 2010 began, new crew in and old crew out. And... OMFG!!! IT SNOWED IN FLORIDA!!!!

...uhm, yep. 'Cause I walked to work that morning and saw it all go down from the Drive-Thru. Uh-huh. Yes, it snowed in Florida... pigs won't need an aviation license now. Our days are numbered.

+ F e b r u a r y |Valentine's day... spent alone. [Am I surprised? Of course not!!] And speaking of Valentine's Day--which fell on a Sunday this year, yes... I finally 'fessed up to Yukita that I have a crush on him. Probably the craziest thing I've done all year, but one of the best things too. Those who know how I am with him by now, yeah... y'all know. He'll always be my buddy!! ^-^

+ M a r c h |All hail the kick-butt Saint Patrick, huzzah!!! [Irish pride, show respect!] Meanwhile things were at the rather quiet stalemate between Hideki and I. [And did I mention that he kinda forgot Valentine's day? ...never mind, he's fixing to be out of the picture for months.] And I got to 'meet' by Great-Auntie Cathie, who's my Grandpa Robert's sister! Definitely a day that my Orange-and-Green Irish blood shone the most this year!!

+ A p r i l |...what DID happen in April? *checks the blog archives*

...oh. Right. Hideki's infamous "Hey, stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more" text. And we all know the crap that went down after that.

OH! and I fell sick for the first time all year. Don't worry, that wasn't the first time either...

+ M a y |Ooooh, boy oh boy was it an interesting one this year. Final month for the Choral Year '09-'10, and a bittersweet one at that, because it was Yukita's final month as Choirmaster before going on his sabbatical. Though, thankfully, we have since kept in touch [thank God!], but... well... it hasn't been the same. But we already kinda knew that, didn't we?

Oh and, my dear Italian "Nana" Janet, who was around maybe 80, sharp as a tack, legally blind and yet the sweetest woman in the world... died. As if my little world hadn't fallen apart... but not everyone saw the tears. Those that know... know.

+ J u n e |Well... two things to kick off this past June. One, Janet's funeral. And two, I fell sick... AGAIN. Whatever kicked me in the head the first time around in April, came around a second time to REALLY lay the smack'down on me again. Ugh... that was anything but fun, folks. [And those of y'all who know how I am when I'm under the weather... uhm... yeah... you know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around (but then again, who isn't when they've fallen sick).] Halfway through the month I survived what was the most screwed-up first date ever; and then [on a dating site of all things] I got this message around the end of the month by a particular person who would soon "awaken" as Zokusho-chan...

[Hey, he's addressed me as Setsuna from the very beginning. Who'd have thought that it would be the beginning?]

+ J u l y |My oh my... let's just say, enter Zokusho. Oh, and the World Cup, Kids Night on a slow summer lull [BORING!], and a handful of friends that I hadn't seen in four years. Boy what a July this was!!

+ A u g u s t |VAAAAACATIIIOOONNNN!!!!!

...pfft. What vacation? Vacation this year was spent stuck in town, and with all the drama that could've ensued, minus work. So I can't really count this year's week off as a vacation... *sigh* Sorry folks, I just can't. On a lighter note, I did get to visit St. Augustine for the first time--THAT, was awesome!!! [Don't believe me? Ask Zokusho--he went with me!]

Oh and, Great-Auntie Jackie died... my heart broke.

+ S e p t e m b e r |T minus one month to turning 27, and much went down. New Choral Year--first one with the new Choirmaster. DOK Fall Assembly at the Cathedral [OH SNAP!!! I still have pics to send over, dang nabbit... wow, did I remember this NOW or what!?], first Evensong of the Year, and Zokusho meets my family!!

And yes, everyone got along... LOL!!

+ O c t o b e r |I turned 2-freckin'-7... wow... and the night before that, Zokusho and I exchanged the dreaded [but still quaint anyway] three-worded sentence. [Hey, y'all know what I'm talking about...] And then Siren started talking crap again... if you can remember Chapter 254, you already know. And Halloween, which was spent being a Sailor Senshi for the first time since I became a fan of 'Sailor Moon' 13 years back. Really, the best Halloween EVER.

Better yet, the best Halloween party ever, which went down the weekend before Halloween!!! [Zokusho-chan, you know what-all I'm talking about!!!]

+ N o v e m b e r |Not only did the cold weather start around November, but this month was also the epic National Novel Writing Month... also known as NaNoWriMo! And this year, I participated for the first time as a Wrimo [that's the term for 'Writer']. It's an annual thing... this year was the 11th year; the goal of NaNoWriMo is 50,000+ words in 30 days. I reached my goal and then some by the early morning of Thursday 25 November--which, by the way, was Thanksgiving day this year. And THAT, brought about another little surprise which will only go by one word... Someday.

+ D e c e m b e r |Hanukkah, Yule and Christmas--OH MY!!! Not to mention cold as heck too, for the most part--it's really been feeling like winter this year! [There have been days that I go in some ten freckin' layers... OMG...] I also celebrated my first Yule too--which is a Pagan holiday; basically, Yule is the Winter Solstice. [And yes, Zokusho is a Pagan... let the religious education begin before anyone starts judging, folks! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!] This year, Yule kicked off with a Lunar Eclipse AND a minor meteor shower, which Zokusho and I both got to watch. And then there came Christmas last weekend, with the best Christmas that I can say, I ever had.

And now... something I haven't done in a very long time... it's the OFFICIAL return of, The Starian Union Radio Random 20!!!

+ 1 |"Love Song" / Simple Minds
+ 2 |"Masoko Tanga" / The Police
+ 3 |"Price of Gas" / Bloc Party
+ 4 |"Hitherto" / Cocteau Twins
+ 5 |"Why Me" / Flesh For Lulu
+ 6 |"4 Page Letter" / Aaliyah
+ 7 |"E-Bow the Letter" / R.E.M.
+ 8 |"Link" / [KISS Mix] / L'Arc~en~Ciel
+ 9 |"Wax and Wane" / [BBC Session] / Cocteau Twins
+ 1 0 |"No Love Lost" / Joy Division
+ 1 1 |"Home" / [acoustic version] / The Goo Goo Dolls
+ 1 2 |"Frosty the Snowman" / Cocteau Twins
+ 1 3 |"Cool for Cats" / Squeeze
+ 1 4 |"New York" / [Dance Floor Cut] / Microchip League
+ 1 5 |"Genetic Engineering" / Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark
+ 1 6 |"Street Thing" / Aaliyah
+ 1 7 |"Daysleeper" / R.E.M.
+ 1 8 |"Soul Meets Body" / Death Cab For Cutie
+ 1 9 |"forbidden lover" / L'arc~en~Ciel
+ 2 0 |"She's Lost Control" / [Peel Session] / Joy Division

ALRIGHT! that done... well... I think that's about it for the year... wow. I can't believe 2010 has come and gone but, I'm glad it worked for the best in the end. I'm thankful that I made it through another year really. Now I have to brace myself for 2011... this is going to be a very interesting year ahead, filled with many a possibility and adventure, mishap and mayhem. I can't wait for the New Year to come around, and for this one to be done and over with!!!

Sooo, from my end of the Underground to yours, may this New Year be better than the Old Year that's about to end in... well, in my case, less than seven hours. Though, depending on where you are, it's probably already 2011 where you're at. In any case, and in any form, be safe and well, one and all.

Much love from the Trans-Underground Express... HAPPY 2011!!!

For the sake of auld lang syne...
~ me

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me

A Final Letter to Aunt Jackie

I can remember having met you, Great-Aunt Jackie, four years ago at the family reunion on my Stepmom's side. Aunt Jackie... well, you were quite a character. You were also quite a sweet lady. Heck, you even taught me needlepoint--which was something I got into for a while, but slipped away from and would love to get back into. We had quite a good time getting to know each other better, and vowed to keep in touch. Which we did, time and again. Although my only regret is, I didn't spend enough time. Time... well, it's one thing we never can have enough of, this I know.

Last summer, en route from Indiana back to Florida, we stopped in Kentucky to visit you for a couple of hours. While the younger siblings went to pick blackberries, you, Stepmom and I stayed inside and talked all the while. At the time, you were fighting cancer--which worried me a bit, because I know of people who've died in their battle against cancer [Great-Grandma Ana Julia being one of them]. In the back of my mind, I wasn't sure how to bring it up with you, so I didn't. In the end, I was fairly glad that I didn't.

But then, the first of two family tragedies came to pass, with my Grams passing away up in Ohio [reference: Chapter 231|10 March 2010]. What I didn't know though at the time [and in fact I didn't know until Father's Day while talking with Grandma Sharon], was that you'd beaten cancer. But come Father's Day, Grandma Sharon gave me the update about your beating cancer--but with even more shocking news that, the cancer you'd been fighting and defeated... came back. That you were given 1 to 2 months to live. My heart broke, and I was sure enough on the watch... waiting... waiting...

The best thing God could ever do, was to call you home last night.

Rest in peace, Aunt Jackie. I love you.

Waiting 'til this weekend to finally say goodbye...

~ me


O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of your servant Jackie, and grant her an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
your saints; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and
reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for
ever. + Amen.

[funeral liturgy, book of common prayer.]

Chapter 234 ~ Half a Year Older... but, Wiser?

I look back on the past six months of being 26 and, well... singlehood, heartache, and death are the main topics. Well, besides the epic work stress but, that's aside from all that mess and nonsuch. Still... it's been an interesting six months and, I have come to a realisation of a few things.

One, first and foremost, Cupid is a @#$%^& jerk. Plain and simple. I feel much like his whipping girl still, even as, while I'm sorta being patient for Shiori-chan, two former lovers wish to win my heart again. And, sadly, this goes on against my whim. I mean, it's great to hang out with them again but, I have realised also that, my heart does not quell among them. It doesn't scream at all for them. And I know my heart all too well to know better than to deceive myself at the heart. I can't simply find myself in the manners and throes of lust anymore--if my heart's not in it, trust me. It won't be there.

Second, Death is, perhaps, my greatest fear... second only to solitude. I am afraid of two things--dying, and dying alone. It scares the hell out of me, the more I hear about someone dying or having passed on. It scares me even more when it happens to someone I know and hold dear to me. The stress and worrying is ridiculous, I swear. But when the sympathy pains hit me, I can't control it--I can't stop it. I don't want God to take it away--only that I can bear it. But when it hits me, and with such a force that stops me... I... I can't help but f@#king panic. It can hit me enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Death is my greatest fear, second to living the rest of my life alone and unloved.

Third, being single is NOT the end of the world. Seriously. And this is coming from someone who's been single for about 7 months or so now. Now, it's interesting, this whole actual singlehood thing. For one, I have a field to play [somewhat], I can flirt with whoever, whenever. And it's fairly mild anyhow, but I keep it fair and friendly. I am NOT an expert flirt. [And if it helps, I get shy and gigglehappy around handsome fellows.] So, yeah. I think I will enjoy my singlehood as much as I can, until I finally do end up [maybe... hopefully] in the arms and heart of some worthy fellow. Maybe Shiori.

In other interesting news... well... I have realised that, while it isn't an entirely heavy-duty love, I can 'fess up that, I am as close to in love with anyone as it's going to get. And... well, you can all guess who it is with. But, if anything, I'll gladly 'fess up that, it's more like an admiration. A sense of quaint'ness and winsome eminates from him. He is the personification of Sweetness and Awesomeness. And who am I but some lowly punk girl, to fall stupendously for my Choirmaster? But... how could I not? And yet, how on earth did I? It was, to say the least, quite unexpected. It's still unexpected. I still don't know how it happened. And, I don't know--maybe this wasn't supposed to happen? I am not sure. But, I do know that, I have come to terms with my feelings for him: it's love--but not romantic love whatsoever. More like an innocent, silly little "I *heart* him like I *heart* my best buddies 4'ever!!" kind of love. A love that comes out of a proper, sweeter, nobler friendship. I don't want my feelings to ever change the friendship that we have, that I cherish immensely. It's been a whimsical five years singing in his Choir, and I can say that, I am blessed to have Peter both as my Choirmaster and as my friend.

Of course... whenever he looks at me and smiles, I end up not knowing how to act. And that's also made for some rather humorous moments, as a matter of fact! Sooo, YEAH! if you ever want to see me stutter and act almost completely stupid, just have him smile at me like it's nothing. And watch me say "Uhm...!?" more times than I can actually figure out... *LOL!!*

Well, I guess that's all for now... I mean, I can slowly feel my nose getting stuffy now. I suppose this means that, I am *finally* coming down with something...? I sure hope not. This means, it's time to get my butt to bed!! [And trust me, Peter would probably be picking on me, big time, had he read this and found out that, somehow, my immune system is getting around to telling me something important!!]

Daydreaming of two fellow gentlemen [hey, it ain't wrong!]...

~ me

Chapter 231 ~ Emotional Exhaustion FTW.

Yes, the title should explain it all. I have been, and still am, emotionally exhausted. That summarizes the first 10 days of March. For those who don't know [or don't remember, or want the whole of the sitch], let me fill y'all in. Fasten your seat-belts, because I'm going to be borderline-all over the freckin' place with this.

Sunday 28 February, Roboter's dad [who'd been suffering from dementia for *years*] suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital, where he went from bad to worse practically overnight. By Wednesday he couldn't swallow anymore, and his ability to function on his own was basically gone. He was moved to the Hospice Care unit and, by Saturday, it was expected that he'd probably make it one more week, at best. But... God called him home Sunday morning. Roboter is beside himself, and I don't blame him one damn bit.

Adding to that, this past Saturday also, [Step]Mom called me... from Ohio... after attending Grams' funeral. Now, who the wheehey is Grams?, y'all may ask. Grams, actually, is my great-grandmother on my [Step]Mom's side. [I really should just slash the 'Step'... seriously...] Mom updated me that Grams passed away last Wednesday morning; in fact, she thought my DAD told me! I'm sorry but, Dad, being Hispanic... the running gag in the family is that, he runs on Cuban time. Almost always late for everything, whether by accident or on purpose. In any case, nope, he didn't tell me. Mom was mad...!!! But, in any case, yeah, Dad called me a while later--he thought Mom told me about Grams! I just didn't care... Grams was gone. And I do have memories of her... I miss her. I still cry a bit about it.

Also, yesterday I found out about the passing on Monday, of an aunt of a friend of mine from back in middle school. The grieving continues. It's all a bit much, to be honest. But, death seems to have hit full-swing this year--7 deaths so far within my Circle of Friends. And it's only f@#kin' March.

Yes, 7. I stated three so far. Here's the previous four that preceeded them.

January -
- Heather's Dad [Andy's grandfather--Andy is my 4-year-old Godson]
- Billie's Grandmother [Billie is my new neighbor]

February -
- Erma's Mother-in-Law AND Aunt-in-Law [Erma is one of my drive-thru regular customers]

Monday night I had a very, VERY good cry. Cried for an hour. It felt like for ever but, I felt much better after all that. I mean, I still feel pretty freckin' miserable for the most part, and I'm still emotionally exhausted but, I'm a tough cookie nonetheless. It's hard not to feel anything, because I'm that kind of person that loves without thinking twice more often than not. I grieve, I suffer, and I hurt--all because I love. So when someone dies... yeah... I can feel the suffering. And it hurts. But by the Grace of God, I don't suffer in vain. And I don't suffer alone.

So... yeah... that's pretty much March so far. Ten days in, and I already wish it was over. And that's a shame, because this month's also the six-year anniversary of when I survived my only suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been six years since the darkest of what I call my personal "eclipse"--it hasn't really sunk in the wanting to celebrate, sadly, due to the death that's hit. And I know I cried a lot of tears so far this week--there'll be more to cry, that is certain. But, I'll be somewhere at the intersection of Mourning and Joyful somewhere... when it does meet. Somehow. And, God willing, soon.

Until then... *sigh*

~ me

Chapter 210 ~ How the hell!?

Yes, I know, I still need to put together a now-belated Thursday Tradition but, as this week has been a major thorn in my nerve... yeah. Between the fact that Sissy-Boo is no longer working, and having found out yesterday of two different yet still shocking news [which I will address, by the way], and with work being a totally chaotic situation now, I am just plain stressed out. With that comes the lack of enthusiasm for yesterday's Tradition spotlighting on Oasis, I didn't even have time to sort out the discography together at all! Sooo... yeah. Just so you all know, I will be posting the Tradition sometime this weekend, hopefully by then I should be better sorted.

First of yesterday's news to be addressed, a good Jewish friend of mine passed away a couple of weeks ago. His widow, back in December for Hanukkah, gave me a Star-of-David pin, which I proudly wear because of my Jewish friends, as well as my Jewish stepdad. This weekend however, I wear it in my friend's memory. I mean, I knew he wasn't doing very well, he'd been ill for a while but... I didn't think it was this bad. Hearing about his passing really broke my heart.

The second of yesterday's news to be addressed is, my best friend Kit is moving. To Michigan. With her boyfriend. And, don't get me wrong--I'm happy for her. But... why? Why? After not hearing from her in so long, and even during Roboter's visit, we hardly even hang out anymore. To hear from her again... at first I thought she wanted to hang out with me, which I was all for and everything. But then when I read her text... oh my God... I wanted to cry... and I still haven't had a chance to cry, because inasmuch as I want to cry, for some ungodly reason, I just can't.

Work has been hell since Sissy-Boo's 'resignation'... I have to work next Wednesday through at least Sunday 24 May. I have a very sick feeling in my gut that my Sundays may end up into the work slaughter.

Losing my two best friends to two different situations, and the recent passing of another death, and stress at work... all of a sudden I'm just not excited for my four days off anymore.

And on that... --oh hell. Never mind. I'm really not in a grand mood. Never mind about that bombshell... *sigh*

~ me

P.S. A warm welcome to my fellow roleplaying typists from Frostwind. Yes, I will get around to posting something about Frostwind at some point...

Those not quite in the loop... don't worry. You'll know.

This Happy New Year...

Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind,
a year so long and dreary true,
the tears for auld lang syne?

For loved ones come and go so soon
that, we've somehow lacked time
for memories longer spent so dear
which now dwell in our minds.

So now gathering we all now
to celebrate the New.
Yet for some of us tears still fall
for the Old we miss, once knew.

But lift thine eyes, and have a smile,
and share a glimpse of cheer--
sweet hope for now and evermore,
this sweet, happy New Year!

Lest we forget our guardians now
whom once we held so tight,
let's breathe a silent prayer for 'em
now in eternal light,

And share a smile of faith, hope, love,
and happiness--yours, mine,
and take that cup of kindness yet
for glorious auld lang syne!

May the name of the saintly be for blessing...
~ Ani's mother ~
~ Rabbit's mother ~
~ Choir Ducky's niece ~
~ Connie's husband ~
~ Corky's husband ~
~ Hester ~
~ Juan's dad ~
~ Jeff's dad ~
~ Taubin's two pet dogs Lulu and Bozo ~
~ Ben's dog [forgot the name--sorry] ~
~ Sissy Too's dad ~
~ Normita's brother ~
~ Sarah's daughter's cousin ~
~ Paul's dad ~
~ Andie's dad ~
~ Tabbsy's uncle ~
~ Shajohnna's aunt ~
~ Elena's father ~
~ Anne's father-in-law ~
~ Melissa P.'s grandmother ~
~ Bobbie's mother ~
~ Grandma Sharon's sister in law Aunt Sue ~
~ Indy's aunt ~

May they and all the souls of the faithful departed,
by the mercy of God, rest in peace,
and may light perpetual shine on them for evermore.
Amen.



...and now, that done... it's time for THE Final Starian Union Random 20 for this year! Before I forget, yes I *will* be returning to the usual Random 20 format possibly tomorrow, just in time for the first Thursday Tradition of 2009! Now, as for today's Special Random 20: this is a 2008 Best-Of and will be a bit on the interesting side because, I have taken all the favorite tuneage that came out this year, put in one playlist, and set it to Random. Except, the first song that played became #20 for the year, the second one #19 for the year, and so on, until there was a proper Top 20. Sooo... y'all ready for the most interesting [and Final!] Random 20 Countdown of the year? Well, so am I, so LET'S GO!!

1] "The News" - Carbon Silicon
2] "Cath" - Death Cab For Cutie
3] "Sirens" - The Whip
4] "Boots of Chinese Plastic" - The Pretenders
5] "Lost!" - Coldplay
6] "The Shock of the Lightning" - Oasis
7] "Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon
8] "Feel the Love" - Cut Copy
9] "Love Is Noise" - The Verve
10] "Oh My Heart" - James
11] "You Don't Know Me" - Ben Folds + Regina Spektor
12] "Shut Up And Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings
13] "A-Punk" - Vampire Weekend
14] "Synthesize and Divide" - The Synthetic Divide
15] "Happiness" - Goldfrapp
16] "Terminal Boredom" - The Cute Lepers
17] "That's How People Grow Up" - Morrissey
18] "3 Sevens Clash" - Alarm
19] "The Perfect Love" - Hibernate
20] "The Only One" - The Cure

And some proper tunes in particular, for the boyfriend especially, but definitely for all of you to enjoy:
"My People" - The Presets


"Graveyard Girl" [Yuksek Remix] - M83
*Honorable Mention 2008*


"Talk Like That" [Miami Horror Remix] - The Presets
*Remix of the Week [Last 2008/First 2009]*


"Feel The Love" - Cut Copy


"This Boy's In Love" - The Presets


"Happiness" - Goldfrapp


"The Perfect Love" - Hibernate


"Synthesize and Divide" [DJ mix] - The Synthetic Divide


And that'll do it for the final Underground Blogpost for 2008! It's been a madcap helluva year for all of us, between the slumping economy, Mr. Obama's historic election to the Presidency, 20 deaths [and 5 funerals!], the Episcopal Church's chaotic split, and my Quarter-Centurian Birthday. And of course, all the proper makings of a quarter-life crisis. But, all in all, it's been a whimsical year for all of us. So...

Here's to all of us, to 2009! May it be better for all of us, wherever in the world we may be!

Happy New Year 2009, to you and yours, with lots of love from the Trans-Underground Express!

~ Jenn [Sunshine]

Chapter 192 ~ Another Requiem...

I think I had too much fun on Friday to even realise what needed to be done [by that I mean this blog--sorry I didn't get on her sooner]; Friday night's concert with the Stetson University Symphony Orchestra was just magnificent. Yesterday's picture-taking drama was a bit crazy [kinda hard to explain] but, it went alright. Not exactly the picture I'd want to send to my out-of-town family and friends but, I'm sure I'll think of something for my holiday pic for this year.

Happy Christ the King Sunday to the Christian Church, the final Sunday of the Church Year. Onward to Advent and, God willing, better things to come.

And on that note... well... I regret to inform the Underground that Aunt Sue did pass away. I spoke with Grandma Sharon yesterday and she'd reported to me that Aunt Sue had died on Friday. Grandma will be leaving tomorrow for Indiana for the funeral; tonight meanwhile will be Thanksgiving dinner at her place.

Another death to note--one of my friends and fellow Choir Altos, Bobbie [she gave me a book with positive thoughts to read; i may need to find that book again], her mother Virginia passed away Thursday at the ripe age of 100 years and 2 days old.

The only song I can think of now for the tears is this one. And it's also how I'm going to close this post until the next round. Words are of no use to me at the moment.
"Street Spirit [Fade Out]" - Radiohead

The One-Week-To-Turkey Tradition!

Welcome, Underground Citizens, to another Thursday Tradition post. One week from today exactly it'll be Thanksgiving day and, I do have info concerning that actually. Pay very close attention to the following schedule for the next handful of days:

Tomorrow [Friday 21 November] - The new alto in our Choir, Chrissy, has a concert with the Stetson University Orchestra and, Ani thinks she'd appreciate it if I made an appearance. Sooo... that's where I'll be tomorrow evening. Don't worry, I'll blog up though.
Saturday 22 November - Family holiday picture day. It'll possibly be hectic, but as [Step]Mom's trying to get the main core of the family together--which means my bigger younger brother Robbie better be done with work ASAP!--for this, I'm hoping it'll go alright with not too many problems.
Sunday 23 November - The Celebration of Christ the King. Choir raising the Church roof up a few feet AGAIN; it's also early Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma Sharon's.
Monday 24 November - Work, possibly blog AND/OR decorate the workplace for Thanksgiving.
Tuesday 25 November - Work, packing up for going out-of-town the next day.
Wednesday 26 November - Work in the A.M. to early P.M., leaving later on for the South Carolina/Georgia border, somewhere along that area, for Thanksgiving. This is also going to be my final post until Sunday 30 November, and the Thursday Tradition will also be moved over to this day in light of the Thanksgiving Holiday the following day.
Thursday 27 November - Happy Thanksgiving Day!!
Friday 28 November - Still out of town...
Saturday 29 November - Returning to Florida. I won't have time to blog as I'll probably be so busy getting adjusted for the next day which will be...
Sunday 30 November - First Sunday of Advent. Also there's an Evensong at 4 in the afternoon so it's back to the Choir Room at 3 for practice. I'll be fairly exhausted by the time it's all over. What a way to end the month of November...

Speaking of Grandma Sharon, I'd received word earlier today via the Prayer Chain I'm involved with that, Grandma Sharon's sister-in-law Auntie Sue has been diagnosed with multiple cancers. And unfortunately the prognosis is not good either. So please--I mean PLEASE--keep my family [and particularly Auntie Sue] in your warm thoughts and prayers.

*whew* That said... the Starian Union Random 20 for today, Thursday 20 November 2008...
Theme: Sisters of Mercy
1] "Marian"
2] "Alice"
3] "I Was Wrong"
4] "Watch"
5] "Flood II"
6] "Nine While Nine"
7] "Train"
8] "Something Fast"
9] "Phantom"
10] "Anaconda"
11] "Valentine"
12] "Walk Away"
13] "Long Train"
14] "Lucretia My Reflection" [Extended Single]
15] "Temple of Love" [1992]
16] "This Corrosion"
17] "Dominion/Mother Russia"
18] "Body Electric"
19] "Burn"
20] "Body and Soul"

The Song of the Week, meanwhile, has NOTHING to do with the SoM...
"Love" - The Sundays


I'm about to put a mix of the Sundays together for next week's roadtrip. The Sundays will be my band of the week for next week's Thursday Tradition which, in the case of next week, will be the Turkey Tradition. The playlist will consist of tracks from their first two albums, Reading, Writing and Arithmetic [from 1990] and Blind [from 1992]. Their third and last album [which was Static and Silence from 1997] wasn't quite so good, so I'm sticking to their essential stuff. Which would be those two albums right there. [By the way, "Here's Where The Story Ends" is from RW+A and "Love" is from Blind so, there ya go.]

*sigh* Well, alrighty. I think I need to take a walk or something. In any case, I'll be around until next Wednesday. Hopefully things will improve with Auntie Sue...

Fingers crossed, until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 191 ~ A Lamentation for the Fallen...

"Death Will Never Conquer" - Coldplay


The funeral Saturday went alright. I can't really say much else other than, the pain's a little greater than I can bear right now.

I could really use a distraction. Until then...

There is a quaint and proper halo,
when the tears can't be cried,
when the pain can't be said enough,
when the hurt isn't worth the words--

a silver lining in the clouds of despair,
in the dark sky of sorrow,
that silver lining being hope,

the assurance of faith in things
greater than the pain.

To the few and many that have passed on,
to leave friends and loved ones behind,
but not without leaving sweet reminders
of the reward for keeping the faith...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

~ Ani's mother ~
~ Rabbit's mother ~
~ Choir Ducky's niece ~
~ Connie's husband ~
~ Corky's husband ~
~ Hester ~
~ Juan's dad ~
~ Jeff's dad ~
~ Taubin's two pet dogs Lulu and Bozo ~
~ Ben's dog [forgot the name--sorry] ~
~ Sissy Too's dad ~
~ Normita's brother ~
~ Sarah's daughter's cousin ~
~ Paul's dad ~
~ Andie's dad ~
~ Tabbsy's uncle ~
~ Shajohnna's aunt ~
~ Elena's father ~
~ Anne's father-in-law ~

"Love" ~ The Sundays *song of the week*


May they and all the souls
of the faithful departed,
by the Mercy of God,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
rest in peace,
light perpetual ever shining upon them.

Amen.


I think that, finally, I have begun to move on. Again.

Chapter 190 ~ Chaos. Stop. Breathe. Recover. REPEAT.

Before I get into a proper recap of this week's dilemma, I got a special request for a proper addendum for what I noted originally in Chapter 189 [Between the Goth and the Funeral, Tuesday 11 November]. It ran as such--

One thing more--and kinda saving this for last--Roboter's dad is a veteran. And as today IS Veterans' Day for us American Underground Citizens, I believe a proper moment of salute is in order for those who fought for the sake of our country and the freedom and liberty that we enjoy. So to Roboter's dad, and for those you Veterans who somehow come across this blog, I tip my hat in your direction and thank you for knowing and showing what it took, the sacrifices being made, the courage high when the odds were high enough. Cheers!!

Well, Roboter wanted me to note that, his father, a veteran of the Second World War, is still going strong at age 86. I think there's a quaint sense of pride that Roboter has for his dad, for such a dilemma as such that presented itself, implications and all. I don't know if any of my family members ever served in the military [though I did once see a pic of my Uncle Raul in a sort of military uniform so there is a chance I do have former-military folk in my family]; I may have to ask Grandpa Eddie the next time I see him. In any case, I tip my hat in the direction of Roboter's dad. :-)

Now, that said, I am, at the moment, exhausted--physically [after working AT LEAST 40 hours this week], mentally [given the extra work I needed to get done this week not including preparing for tomorrow], and emotionally [thank you to the stress at work and the thought of tomorrow]. I still have to rework the blue hair dye too, which I'll be doing first thing tomorrow which means that, I might not really get to sleep in that much after all. Not that I sleep in a lot on Saturdays [unless you count sleeping in until 9 A.M.], but still. My only proper soundtrack is the new gothic mix I'm working on, and if that's the only thing that's saving my sanity then... well...

*sigh* I guess there really isn't much else for me to do at this point. Tonight I'll try to numb myself somehow, but I think that'll be to no avail.

I think I've spent hours trying to put into proper words just how I feel about the fact that I'll be attending my fourth funeral this year tomorrow. I just... hell... words fail me. There really isn't much help in trying to find the words at the moment.

I swear, I'll get myself pulled together by Sunday afternoon. Today's not quite a proper day to put words together on such a subject.

EDIT -
P.S. The new playlist is done for the moment.

"The Queen Is Dead" - The Smiths
"American Soviets" [Instrumental Mix] - CCCP
"Fade to Gray" - Visage
"Marian" - Sisters of Mercy
"New York" - Microchip League
"Desperate But Not Serious" - Adam Ant
"Enjoy The Silence" - Depeche Mode
"West End Girls" - Pet Shop Boys
"Bela Lugosi's Dead" - Bauhaus
"Headhunter" - Front 242
"Join In The Chant" - Nitzer Ebb
"Cuts You Up" - Peter Murphy
"Cities In Dust" - Siouxsie and the Banshees
"Every Day Is Halloween" - Ministry

Well... it didn't turn out too gothic now, did it?

Until the next round...

codename ~ SUNSHINE

A lot of life to have lived in a quarter-century.

Sure, I've come a long way since I came to earth on Tuesday 4 October 1983, but it's been an interesting long way! When I was 21 I didn't think I'd live to see this particular tomorrow [and I actually almost landed true to my word at the time], but here I am. Almost 25.

Almost 25.

It almost scares me but, I'm happy I've made it this far! I have wonderful parents, both my natural parents and their own spouses [my StepParents]; I have three younger siblings that I just love, at least 3 sets of Grandparents still alive, at least 1 Great-Grandparent [Grams from my StepMom's Mom's side] still alive. And a story or two of my Great-Grandmother Ana Julia who died 25 years, 6 months ago, from breast cancer--I'm wearing a pink ribbon all month in her memory. And the memory of my Great-Grandpa Leo [affectionately known in our family as "Pipo"], who's watching over me and the family now [he died some 7 years ago]. I have dear friends, my 10 best friends God can provide [Moonhead, Pouncer, Hikari, Kit and Hector, Sissy Boo and Sissy Too, Neko Ich and Neko Ni, and Neonlicht (yes, Louise has a codename now at last!!)], a crazy but lovable bunch of coworkers and Managers [yes, even my favorite Goober that is Manager Joshua], and my Jewish extended family. I have a calling to my Choir and the Carillon, to the Episcopal frame of faith, a home within God's Church. And I have my boyfriend Roboter--long distance be damned, he is among the closest to my heart; God knows what-all, good and bad, we'd been through, and we're still standing by each other.

I really have been blessed these past 25 years, when you give it some thought.

However, before I go further I need to stop for one moment and think back to 16 souls that, in the past 6 months, have altered my attitude a little about life and death...

~ Rabbit's mom
~ Edward's niece
~ Connie's husband
~ Corky's husband
~ Hester
~ Juan's dad
~ Jeff's dad
~ Taubin's two pet dogs Lulu and Bozo
~ Ben's dog [forgot the name--sorry]
~ Sissy Too's dad
~ Normita's brother
~ Sarah's daughter's cousin
~ Paul's dad
~ Andie's dad
~ ...and I know there was one more--I will amend this post [or make a new one] as soon as I get the list back [Sissy Boo's borrowing it at the moment]

May they and all the souls of the faithful departed,
by the grace and mercy of God,
rest in peace. + Amen.

ALRIGHT! back to brighter things. Like tomorrow!

Tomorrow while Roboter's at a newscaster's convention I'll be with Sissy Boo working on a special project for work with pictures. And then I don't know what-all I'll be doing for the rest of the day as of yet. But I know there'll be a lot of music involved, that's for sure. And pictures. I promise there'll be pictures! :-)

So... well, I guess that's it. There isn't much else to say other than, I'd already welcomed October with open arms and a baseball bat. It's been a bitch being 24, between the deaths and the break-ups; but there'd also been tight-knit friendships and a love that can handle the 1,200 miles too! So hey, life may suck at times, but there's still hope. I still have things I want to do within this next year.

Like have Roboter over in Florida. Or visit him up in New York.

So, here's to the first 25 years,
and another 25--and MANY MORE--to come!

Let's celebrate--I propose the first toast:

!!לחיים
L'chaim--to life!!

~ me, real name jennifer,
codename SUNSHINE

codename ~ DEATHFLIGHT

I'm scared of death.

I think I may have said this once or twice.

Seriously. I'm scared of death, I'm afraid to die. Even though I'm a strong believer in heaven, the fear... it's there. I can't fully tolerate the concept of death. It's too... I don't know... it just sickens me sometimes. Maybe a bit too much sometimes. And it's struck again.

This morning word was received in the workplace that Juan's father passed away from cancer. Juan is 17, still in high school, and works in the night shift. And in my opinion he's much too young to lose his father through such an illness.

*sigh* It kinda dampens an otherwise decent day. The fear of death is amplified whenever it strikes close to home. And my heart breaks because of the pain that the person who's lost someone feels, the tears they have to cry having lost someone they can't replace.

I haven't had a time or chance to let out a good cry yet, as I've been trying to cheer myself up working on Doctor Who LOL-style pictures. But the pain is strong enough that, before tonight's over, there will be tears.

...I don't think I really want to go out tonight. Not in the state I'm in today.

I think this calls for *some* Coldplay. Yes, Coldplay. Because there are some songs that should dry my tears when I'm just one helluva glum mess. Like this one. Just the title's calm for the calamity. But the chorus sings the truth.
"Don't Panic" - Coldplay


I can't really describe this song, but the lyrics sure help with the kind of day I've been having. I'm cranking this up a good couple of notches.
"Fix You" - Coldplay


I know this one's a love song but, with lyrics like these, it's almost as if to seem like the sea is death, in this case.
And I could write a song, A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live With nothing left to give,
Forget but not forgive, Not loving all you see?

Oh the streets you're walking on A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong And you belong with me...
Not swallowed in the sea
"Swallowed In The Sea" - Coldplay


Back to the start? Please, back to the days before death came and stole you away...
"The Scientist" - Coldplay


And finally, for Juan, if he ever reads this--I think your father's singing this right now; it's a short song but, I think it's probably saying so much right now... for all of us, and to those who in the past near-6 months who've lost someone dear...
"Death Will Never Conquer" - Coldplay *Song of the Day*


On that note, I think that'll do for today... for now.

~ me, codename DEATHFLIGHT

I'm Addicted to Thursdayholism!!

Happy Thursday, Underground Citizens! :-) But before we get to a new idea for the Starian Union Radio Top 20, a moment of silence is in order, for two reasons:
~ for my coworker Sarah, whose daughter's cousin was killed recently.
~ for the victims in New York, Pennsylvania and the Pentagon, of this day seven years ago--this day to not be forgotten.

Alright, that done, new idea for the Starian Union Radio Top 20--how about the Starian Union Radio Random 20? Since I've darn near lost track of it all, and seeing it's been the same old baloney-and-queso, I think WSUR needs something just a tad bit different. Sooo... time to crank up the 'Pod at random and have some fun here. What say y'all? We up for this or what?

The first ever Starian Union Radio Random 20! ~
1] "Every Day Is Halloween" - Ministry
2] "Rise" - PiL
3] "I'm Gonna Be [500 Miles]" - The Proclaimers *Song of the Week*
4] "Boots of Chinese Plastic" - The Pretenders *NEW!!*
5] "Vanishing Point" - New Order
6] "How" - Lisa Loeb
7] "Luno" - Bloc Party
8] "Another Morning Stoner" - Trail of Dead
9] "Say" - John Mayer
10] "The Metro" - Berlin
11] "Mayor of Simpleton" - XTC
12] "People Who Died" - Jim Carroll Band
13] "Morning Glory" - Oasis
14] "Love Is Noise" - The Verve *NEW!!*
15] "Singing In My Sleep" - Semisonic
16] "Bulls On Parade" - Rage Against The Machine
17] "Neon Lights/Neonlicht" - Kraftwerk
18] "American Girl" - Tom Petty
19] "In Your Eyes" - Peter Gabriel
20] "No Love Lost" - Warsaw

Also, before I forget, the song of the week, as I noted, is "I'm Gonna Be [500 Miles]" by The Proclaimers, which is David Tennant's favorite band. [Tennant's the one who's the 10th Doctor on Doctor Who in case anyone here forgot.]
"I'm Gonna Be [500 Miles]" - The Proclaimers


Meanwhile, The Pretenders are RETURNING!! *YESS!!* This song aired yesterday morning as I was getting ready to go to work. I've only heard it, er, twice? I fcuking love it already. Their new album will be out next month.
"Boots of Chinese Plastic" - The Pretenders


AND, Forth by The Verve is my album of the week. This is my favorite track from the album, a rather almost-punky side to 'em. Richard Ashcroft+Co. are just outright brilliant on this track. The entire album in my opinion is ace.
"Noise Epic" - The Verve


So there you have it--I declare Thursday as our Official Music Day here in the Underground! Here's to the great random [ORGANISED!!] noise that is music!!

Until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 178 ~ *meh. part two.*

Okay, considering I've been God-awful busy these past handful of days... well, I'm irritable at the moment. With the exception of Roboter and a good small handful of coworkers, I'm starting a minor warpath of a rant.

First of all, the weather's just a mess. Thank you, Hurricane Ike. 'Nuff said on that subject.

Other than, from Yahoo! News - Hurricane Ike over Gulf of Mexico, aims at Texas.

Second, to everyone that made my day at work pisstabulous--and if you're reading this and you KNOW that in some way you got on my last nerve in my 5-to-1 workday!--F off. The last thing I need is for your lack of thinking skills, your lack of manners, and your attitude thinking that the entire world revolves around YOU, to get me at my brink. Bad enough I'm pushed to the brink to get 105 cars during Breakfast Rush and ONE-HUNDRED-AND-GODD*MN-TWENTY CARS through the Lunch Rush. And I'm tired. And I'm in a bitchy mood. And if you were among the few and MANY that got me this way, I really, really dislike you. That's all I'm saying on this matter.

*sigh* And, sadly, third--a moment of silence needed, for two of my friends:
--for my friend Paul in the loss of his father. Paul is the director of the Middle School Youth Ministry at St.B's. He's also a fan of the 4th Doctor, as well as a good friend of mine.
--for Hester, a former coworker of mine who, upon learning she had cancer, moved back home to Ireland a couple of years ago. Last night our maintenance man Ross, who would often call her to check up on her and update the few of us who worked with her, got a call from her son with the news that she had died.
--for a friend of mine on Opacity.us, codename Taubin, who had to put his other beloved dog, Lulu, to sleep on Monday night. Earlier last month he had to put his first dog Bozo to sleep. Both pets had lived long lives. And I once again grieve for Taubin.

The Count of the Mourners' Tears now stands at thirteen, two of them belonging to one of my friends, and one of the deaths a former coworker of mine.

I think the rant of the day I posted on Opacity.us pretty much sums it up for today:

Death, where the hell did you come from, and when the hell are you going to stop throwing your damn two cents' worth into my quarter-life crisis?

The past 5 months, 11 of my friends have lost either a pet or a loved one. One of them had to say goodbye to BOTH of his beloved pets. And this morning I hear of death #13 in what I call my Chain of Mourners' Tears--and this time, you finally decide to end the misery of a fellow coworker who, when she learned she had cancer, moved back to her native Ireland. To die. And this was a couple of years ago when she left. Now, this morning, I hear you struck again.

What more are you going to do, before 4 October, when I see the last 6 months of being 24 filled with... with... YOU!?

I'm afraid of you. And I know I shouldn't hate you, for the faith of a Believer. But I do. Because the pain's too much to bear, the heart grieves because it loves. And all I can do is shed tears in peace, knowing there isn't much else I can do for the ones who grieve.

So thank you, once again, for--even though there is no suffering and I rejoice in that--you otherwise added to an already pissy day I've been having. I hope you're happy now.



*sigh* And I still need a good cry, and a good nap, before I can get to class tonight.

Oh and, I had a quote of the day, from my coworker Michelle but... sadly I've forgotten it, I've been much too glum today.

*meh. life is a mess. and i'm in the middle of it.*

~ me

Chapter 162 ~ There is no end to this...

*sigh* So my friend the Choir Ducky... well...

His niece passed away sometime this week. She was born prematurely some months ago, was diagnosed with... not sure if it was leukemia [sorry if it's spelt wrong] or pneumonia... but anywho.

Ducky had asked the Choir--and the parish--to pray for his sister and the baby, and for his mother who had some health issues of her own.

So right now the death toll occuring to someone in my Chain of Friends is at 7, in 4 months. So.un.freckin'.fair. Spent the better part of Friday night after finding out about it in solitude, until I got Roboter on the phone and, basically, finally cried for about an hour and a half or so. Most of the phone conversation was better spent in silence. But the fact that I could rely on him when I needed a good cry was enough for me to endure yesterday on five hours of sleep. It was worth the tears, lack of sleep be damned. And yes, my coworkers were a positive help albeit I was mostly half-asleep throughout yesterday. Mad props to them, big time.

So tomorrow I'm off. Laundry day. Pay day. Sleep-in day. Add-more-music-to-the-'Pod day. Day-before-getting-back-to-work day. Monday.

But, it's hard to face the next few days when a prayer gets answered in a way that, at first, you think isn't fair. Why did the little one have to die?

I am sure, however, that God had better plans for her than a life of pain... that's my current hope of the day, and I'm sticking to it.

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.... If God is for us, who is against us?... Who will separate us from the love of Christ?... For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~ Saint Paul's Letter to the Romans, Chapter 8

Chapter 115: Good Things... and, erm... Not-So-Good Things?

Okay, first and foremost, two good things. One, a new pic of me from Tuesday [yes, I was re-reddening my hair instead of updating the music charts, my bad]...



The second good thing is, I remixed it! Thank you Photobucket!!



And now, erm... the not-so-good stuff.

For one, Manager Rabbit's mother passed away Wednesday [some say Thursday, but I'm trustin' the Preacher on this one], and the funeral was today. Inasmuch as I've been busting my butt at work this week, I'd hoped that the week would end alright. But it didn't when Manager Joel gave me news of Rabbit's mother yesterday. So needless to say I'd been pretty awful glum for most of the afternoon.

But the real scare came later on into the early evening, when a friend posted in a forum his second Post-Mortem Photography thread. And stupid and curious as I was...

...yeah, I saw them. And now I'm scarred for the rest of the night.

I don't do funerals. I've realized this. And when it involves an open casket, you better believe it's one of the most disturbing memories that can be etched into my mind. Whether it's my Great-Grandfather almost 7 years ago or Rabbit's mother about 10 hours ago... it's still disturbing.

*sigh* Did I ever tell y'all I'm afraid to die?

~ "Sunshine"