Chapter 271 ~ A Rant and the Random 20...

Okay... nothing scares me out of a shower faster than a spider in a corner. And my shower is SMALL. Which sucks, big time. If you know me well enough, you *know* I hate, hate and HATE spiders. I'm scared of 'em. I see one and it's one of two things depending on the size of the mo'fo'--
it's either World War 3, or you're gonna see me step AWAY from the situation.

"Awww, what's wrong, Sunny? Scared of spiders?"

Uhm... yep.

If you think that's weak and wimpy of me, just remember--you didn't wake up to one crawling on your face when you were a child, right? Yeah. Thought so.

That said, time for the Random 20. It must be Thursday...

1) "Golden-vein" [BBC Session] - Cocteau Twins.
2) "Something About You" - Level 42.
3) "Cold" - Annie Lennox.
4) "Sabotage" - Beastie Boys.
5) "Somebody That I Used To Know" - Gotye feat. Kimbra.
6) "(Exchange)" - Massive Attack.
7) "Pulling Mussels [From the Shell]" - Squeeze.
8) "The Motto" - Drake feat. Lil Wayne.
9) "If You Leave" [live] - OMD.
10) "So In Love" [live] - OMD.
11) "Sometimes Always" - The Jesus and Mary Chain.
12) "Exercise One" [Peel Session] - Joy Division.
13) "Let's Go" [extended mix] - Wang Chung.
14) "Building a Mystery" - Sarah McLachlan.
15) "Locomotion" [live] - OMD.
16) "Selfless, Cold and Composed" - Ben Folds Five.
17) "I'm On One" - DJ Khaled feat. Drake, Rick Ross and Lil Wayne.
18) "I'm a Boss" - Meek Mill feat. Rick Ross.
19) "Ch-Check It Out" - Beastie Boys.
20) "Butterfly" - The Verve.

*sigh* Now, Motoki needs to hit me up ASAP... uhm, I kinda need to use his shower--oh, yeah.

Did I mention that I have blue hair dye that needs to be rinsed out?

#FML
~ me

Chapter 267 ~ The Post-Chicago Post, and... and, a True Like!?

Yes, you Citizens read proper. But first, last week's Random 20!

1) "Crystal" - New Order.
2) "Electricity" - OMD.
3) "Just Can't Get Enough" - Depeche Mode.
4) "Wild Is the Wind" - David Bowie.
5) "Casual Affair" - Tonic.
6) "Abram" - José González.
7) "Hopelessly" - Rick Astley.
8) "Stinkfist" - Tool.
9) "Body and Soul" [12" EP version] - Sisters of Mercy.
10) "Raining In Baltimore" - Counting Crows.
11) "Suffer Well" - Depeche Mode.
12) "Black or White" - Michael Jackson.
13) "What's Your Fantasy?" - Ludacris. [Yes... Ludacris. Shush.]
14) "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps.
15) "Losing My Religion" - R.E.M.
16) "Sunday" [Night Operations Mix] - Exchange.
17) "I Love a Man In Uniform" - Gang of Four.
18) "Like a G-6" [feat. The Cataracts and Dev] - Far East Movement.
19) "Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra.
20) "Seekers Who Are Lovers" - Cocteau Twins.

So Chicago was fantastic. Absolutely FANTASTIC. I enjoyed staying at my Mom and Stepdad's for the weekend... but 4 days aren't enough. So next year I will be up there for a whole week. I'm already looking forward to it! :-)

One of the big highlights, was visiting not one but TWO Cathedrals over the weekend! Holy Name is the Roman Catholic Cathedral, St. James is the Episcopal Cathedral. Both are absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully we will be able to stop in again when I visit next year.

Meanwhile... last week after I got back from Chicago, I spent a LOT of time with Motoki-chan. Which pretty much pissed off Zokusho-san... yeah. Things got pretty ugly between us. However, I'm not sorry about it... I mean, yes, we broke up, but communication was actually decent until I told him I was visiting Mokoti and he [the ex] basically acted like an ass about it. Which isn't necessarily great because, yes, we were together for 3 years. It *is* a long time. But I am not going to stay with someone who will only continue to hurt me... and if he can't respect me, then I'll find someone who will. As much as I loved him, I love myself more to realise, I should've just been done with him sooner. Of course, I would've hoped to keep talking to him as a friend, but last week when he reared his ugly side around... yeah. So as of last night, I'm done talking to him until he can prove to me he isn't as much of a jerk as he's been. And if that isn't the case, and he really is showing his true colors, then I'm done talking to him for good. I don't need a "friend" whom I can't talk about a damn thing anymore to. Bottom line.

Speaking of Motoki-chan, yes... it might not be true love, but it's a definite "True Like," to quote him. We like each other, we love each other, but we're not in love with each other... does that make sense? I would hope so. It made sense to the both of us!!

We've spent a LOT of time with each other last week. [The perks of having an in-town "True Like": in this case, he's a 40-minute walk from my apartment!] Going for dinner's turned into staying over at his place a handful of times. [And before y'all start, NO we have not done the deed. We are NOT going to rush it. Get those minds out of the gutter, folks.] We don't always get to see each other, but when we can, we make the time. So much more worth the effort.

Best part--he's someone I can be Jenn around. I love it. I thought I could be Jenn around Zokusho-san... nope. Not the same around Motoki-chan. He's someone I can let loose and be ridiculous with... yeah. I need someone like that in my life.

So yeah... that's the latest between Chicago and Motoki-chan...

En route to lunch...
~ me

Chapter 263 ~ ...now, where was I?

Alright folks... I'm back. And I've got a lot to say. Sit down, buckle up, here we go.

For a start, as of this past June I am *no longer* dating Sprocket--no, actually codename change to Zokusho because someone else has the codename Sprocket and this is one of the good guys. [See? I told y'all a lot happened in the past 2 years!] But anywho, yes, I broke up with Zokusho, for all the right reasons. Long story short: yes, we did have our good times, but he's not worth the anxiety attacks I've suffered in the few months leading up to the break-up. We've since spoken on the phone; however, no, for the record, I am NOT going back with him.

I never thought I'd quote Taylor Swift but "we are never, ever, ever getting back together." Valid point too. Not worth it anymore.

Which brings me to, nope. I am NOT moving to Tampa. Obviously. Zokusho and I tried time and again... in vain. But now with the break-up there really isn't much of a point anymore concerning myself with Tampa. Plus, right now, I am needed here in DeLand... probably moreso now than I realised.

Example A: I am now serving as both Secretary AND Treasurer in my DOK Chapter. Double-duty, yes, but with the help of a couple of fellow Daughters my task isn't as difficult as it looks. Yes it can be stressful, but I have been faring well with it so far. Next month is the Diocesan Fall Assembly and this year my parish is hosting it. LOTS of preparing to do.

Speaking of, we have a new Assistant Rector--Fr. Comforted Keen, who just retired a few months ago from serving as Rector of Church of the Holy Child in Ormond Beach. He was the Priest who was at my first DOK gathering some 3 or 4 years ago--and he was at my Cursillo last year. I told him then that I remembered him from that DOK meeting, and he thought it was wonderful that I remembered him. Now he's going to be my Assistant Priest and really, I'm rather thrilled. He's a great preacher and a wonderful human being. These next three years will be interesting... bring 'em on.

So, anyone remember Jason from the Antics? Yeah. So, we dated maybe once some 3 years ago, before I started dating Zokusho. And to think I had the giggles for him... uhm...

WTF was I thinking?

...oh, right. I probably wasn't.

Anywho, yes, we're friends now. But we don't really hang out much, mostly we just text and talk on the phone from time to time. I'll give him credit though--he *has* stopped me once from doing something stupid to myself. Thankfully.

Which leads me to a few suicide-related matters, the first being that I did attempt suicide a 2nd time this past November. No, I'm not proud of it, but I would rather bring the issue to light than to sweep it under the rug like society tends to do. I'm sorry, but if you can talk to your kids about sex and drugs, then it should be more than acceptable to talk to your kids about suicide. Unfortunately society has conditioned us to not address suicide, let alone mental illness--which prompts me basically to give society the proverbial middle finger, by talking about it, addressing these things.

"Oh, it'll never happen to me." I call bullsh*t. If little Miss Happy Me attempted suicide twice, sure as *censored* it can happen to anybody. It needs to be addressed.

Secondly, I now help as a volunteer of sorts in the Survivors of Suicide group at my church. Been attending since February, and I wish I had the time allowed me to do that much sooner. Better late than never though--my friend Laura facilitates these meetings, which are twice a month. Sometimes it'll be just us two, sometimes there'll be another person with us. Worth attending these meetings... for real.

And... well... yes... there kinda-sorta *is* someone I am talking to. But things aren't necessarily great between him and I... we're working on it. I have no idea how long this is gonna take, but I believe it'll be worth the work and the wait. Because, we do like each other... but of course, as I unfortunately end up stuck in, it's a case of the "great person, not-so-great timing." Which I hate but... *sigh* ah well.

And lastly, at it was some 5 years ago, Death's been making his rounds. Except, it's worse than it was when I was approaching 25... and I'll be 30 in some 2 months! I have been to 7 funerals since Christmas Eve [yes, you Citizens read that proper], and just yesterday my good buddy Larry died from cancer and pneumonia. Last time I was hit with news this devastating, it was Christmas Eve when my fellow Chorister Marcia passed away. This is worse however, as Larry was my very first friend at St. Barnabas and... well... yeah. Between that and Motoki-chan breaking my heart yesterday, really I'm just a wreck right now. There isn't very much I can do about all of this unfortunately... the most I can do right now, is cry, and hang in there.

I'm sure there's probably more to update on, but I'm honestly exhausted from today and the past two days. And really, all I want to do is just go home, cry and sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. And cry. And...

--yeah, I think y'all get the idea.

Wishing there was a "Redo" button...
~ me.

A Preview to Chapter 263 and a Reboot...

So... to make the long story short, this blog needs an overdue update of sorts. There's been a whole lot that's happened in the two years since I last blogged and really, right now, I'm a walking wreck waiting to happen.

All that said, this is just a preview of the reboot and a much-overdue update. And this time, I've got a whole damn lot to say.

Be ready...

~ me

Chapter 262|Things that should've been said...

Okay... I think it's time for a muchly-overdue venting of sorts.

I think I have fallen back into a time of my life when, things just aren't so wonderful. Yeah, I know, one of y'all is probably about to say, "Geez, Jenn, not this s#!t again" but before you open your mouth and say stuff, hear me out. Please. Because this is a bit more serious than you think, and perhaps about time these things that I'm about to say are said.

First and foremost, losing both a friend and a family member in the course of two weeks, sucks. Only NOW is when the fact that I miss my Great-Uncle Ed, has been hitting me. Been this way since Saturday, when the family had his memorial service. I have in my apartment the prayer shawl I'd gotten for him the Sunday before he died... which was Sunday 2 October. Monday 3 October, the parents [Dad and Stepmom] delivered it to him, as they'd been visiting him everyday since he'd fallen terminally ill. Tuesday 4 October was my birthday--Uncle Ed died the next day with the shawl on him. After the service this past Saturday, Grandma Sharon gave the shawl to me, and the family was thankful for the shawl. But I miss him tremendously, and have cried a bit about it since.

Besides Uncle Ed's passing, inside... well... my spiritual winter has arrived a few days early. Usually the month of November is when my darkest of moods tends to hit but, this past week [and month for that matter] has decided otherwise. It's been a while since I'd felt this low but, it's not the first time I've felt like this and [unfortunately] it won't be the last.

Right now, inside, I feel very insignificant. It's not one of those passing moods when a LOT of people can get away with telling me to "snap out of it"--trust me, VERY FEW PEOPLE get away with that saying. And honestly, sometimes, I just want to smack those that should -not- be telling me to just "snap out of it." That's the thing--I CAN'T. I F#%KING CAN'T. I fight with depression every single day of my life. Been fighting it for some 12 years now, and it's a helluva fight, I can tell you this much. I can't just "snap out of it"--it doesn't always happen that way.

Part of this despairing--and this note goes to my fellow Frostwind typists out there--is because someone's had issues with me for a good while now and, I guess, hasn't let go of them. I don't like having to work so hard for so long just to make things right with someone--and mind you, I'm the kind of person that forgives and moves on for the most part. But knowing that this person won't even acknowledge a SINGLE MESSAGE IN KINDNESS that I'd sent her, makes me feel less of a person, and I die a little inside each time I check to find there's no reply from her whatsoever in my forum inbox. And it hurts but, it's not like this person gives a damn about it. And the only few typists that DO speak with me, they don't even know this until now. So yes, this is another something that's been eating me up inside, but that I've kept silent all the while. And no matter how many times I apologise to this person, I feel as if it will never do a single thing. That it will never be enough, or that it will not change this person's mind or issues with me. And sadly, this has taken a serious toll on my wanting to write, as well as my wanting to jump into storylines with said typist. So that's another piece of this depression puzzle that's getting to me.

Roleplay typing dilemma aside, right now on the inside, I feel like the most insignificant person in the world. Like everyone's doing so much better than me, and that no matter how up I try to be there is always something shoving me back into the reality that, things on my end will NOT get better. I have to force myself to smile for the world and tell them "Eh, I'm fine" more than I would like to admit. And it doesn't help me any when there are people who tell me they'll be there for me, but when I need them to hear me out they're too busy and don't have time. So on the inside... I am insignificant, isolated AND pretty much helpless. And I really don't have anything to look forward to anymore these days. I'm NOT looking forward to Christmas Lessons + Carols on Sunday 18 December because, no matter how big a deal I make of it, those that I invite [and not just to that but to EVERY Church-Choir-related something] don't come. I'm not asked to hang out with anyone more often than not. And it all comes down to me just being the... well... the outsider. I know I have coworkers and maybe a manager or two at work, say something about me behind my back--all of the simple fact that I am strange. I AM AN ABSOLUTELY ODDITY AND PEOPLE JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. Yes, I'm strange, but it doesn't help that I am the only strange human being in this bloody small town, let alone my circle of friends. And when I do try to get excited or happy over something, I don't really have anyone to relate to about it because, more often than not, it's just out of their league.

Inside, there's a piece of me that hates myself so much, for being so damned different, that it makes me want to just rip myself apart. And this is a BIG reason why I don't like using actual kitchen knives [or own an Exact-o knife]--it's because I am more than capable of harming myself. No, seriously. There are scars on my hands and left arm that go back a few years because of my self-spite--including one on my left arm that goes back 12 years. Freshman year of high school, when it all began. The most recent of the wounds was back in June, and there are scars that are still there. Sometimes I'll just run my nails down my arm, behind everyone's back at work, when the day is far too difficult over the course of the day and in the end it feels as if everyone's angry at me for God only knows what, even when it's my fault. [To my coworkers, yeah, who knew?]

This is the painful, disturbing reality that I live with every single day. It's a constant battle just to keep some sort of inner light burning even while the storm's about to extinguish it by whatever means needed. I am my own worst critic, and in my own eyes I feel as if I can't do a damn thing right or that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But all I do is try, and keep going--albeit reluctantly sometimes. There's a saying that goes "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice" and, perhaps, that's been how I've always been. I don't know. Maybe I haven't entirely a clue anymore--because, perhaps, I just never really was 'important' anyway. Perhaps that's just how bitter and hurt I am feeling right now. Because there will always be someone better than me, and I guess that's just what-all I am used to as well.

Please understand--this is NOT A SUICIDE LETTER. Far from it but still in all seriousness. This is whatever's left of me that's whispering what should've been a cry for help, for someone to just hear me the hell out. Only, I feel like it just gets ignored, or perhaps I really have done a damn-good job convincing the world that all's well when, really, "I was only dreaming" as one OMD song goes. And maybe, for now, I am just done pretending that everything's fine. I have no idea anymore, but I do know that, this is the most sense I've made to myself in a very long time. Possibly ever. I don't know about you guys though but, this is how I am feeling, and probably how I will be feeling as this inner 'spiritual winter' that is November rolls by.

"I was only dreaming
I was only trying to catch your eye
I was only wishing you would notice me..."

~ me.

Chapter 257 ~ Defeated

I am so fed up sometimes. Or, sometimes, I can be so fed up. And today, right now, it's to the point of tears. What else remains, but to cry?

Right now, I am just annoyed by the long day I've had. Who knew that the world could be so damn cruel and painful sometimes? Sure, it's beautiful, and I love it because of the people I know and love very much. But there are days like today, in which all I can do is just tell the world to just go to hell, leave me alone and let me cry--and even I can't do THAT!

I don't know... I wish it was so damn easy to do that. But... it's not... and I can't.

You know what? Yes, I'm strange. Yes, I have blue hair with turquoise highlights. Yes, I am a punk girl with a touch of classical music in my veins. Yes, I can be and usually am the strangest, most unusual person you may have ever met or come to know. Yes, I am a girl that has to deal with the pressures and bulls#!t of modern society which is telling me to be this, that, and the other way. Yes, I don't believe that I should have to conform to society by their terms. Yes, I have to deal with people who are ignorant, stupid and obvously can't listen to me no matter how many times I have to explain myself.

So then... why... why? Why can't people just stop being so... so...

Oh hell, I don't even know anymore.

Today, I am fed up with the world. And I am going to go cry myself to sleep--the world is not worthy to see me cry, nor does it deserve to partake in my tears.

Given up for the day...

~ me

Chapter 256 ~ Time Won't Give Me Time

Today, well... I feel a lot better than I was last Thursday. After purging Siren out of my existence [or as much of it for that matter], now... well, now I'm preparing for a few things going on within this and next week. There is quite a bit going on... I think I know where to start. So bear with me as I recap 'em like it was nothing.

First and foremost, this week my DOK chapter starts a new meeting time at 6 P.M. This is actually a good thing for me because, since I've been opening lately on Fridays, that means I don't have to rush with dinner and getting ready for bedtime. So the new time, 6-7 P.M., goes into effect this Thursday--this was decided and noted at last Thursday's meeting.

Secondly, and speaking of work, my work schedule's back to normal after a rather insane, outrageous workweek last week. And those of y'all who read the blog know of one rather nasty situation that got my blood boiling--actually, two. One of them was concerning Siren; the other was concerning one of my own drive-thru regulars. Last Thursday I dyed my hair turquoise [but it came more like a teal than turquoise--need more blue]; the next day [Friday] said regular looks at me and decides to run his mouth. Now mind, he's one of those old folks that think they can say anything trying to be funny and end up really, REALLY lame--he's also one of those regulars that have ruffled my feathers in a not-so-good way [this wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last either]. So, he opens his mouth last Friday and what does he say?

"...your hair's molding! If you wash it with shampoo it'll help with getting it out!"

OOH! did my blood boil. WOW.

So I haven't been speaking to him since that all went down. I know I shouldn't be upset over it and yet, I am. Because if you're gonna look at me and just blatantly insult my hair like that, then of course I'm going to give you a dirty look and keep my own mouth shut. I am better off not saying anything to this guy than to just get myself in trouble for being an outspoken punk rock girl. And no, he hasn't apologised, at least not yet anyway. But still... yes, I guess y'all can say that, I've no patience for him right now. I know I need to work on it but, for now... yeah...

Thirdly, I am very excited for Halloween! Yes, I know, it falls on a Sunday this year but, I've got three Halloween festivities to look forward to. The first is Sprocket's friend Terra's party this Saturday [yay!]. Then it's the day BEFORE Halloween, because I get to do the partial dress-up at work--work uniform, plus my Mercury tiara, earrings, back bow to use as front bow with the brooch, choker, and MAYBE gloves. Then Sprocket and I have ANOTHER Halloween party that night. Halloween it's Trunk-or-Treat at Church [which I'm thinking of making an appearance with Sprocket]. And Halloween this year is on a Sunday sooo... yeah. Hence, a LOT of partying. But, I think it'll be a lot of fun. I'm very excited--thinking of taking a good amount of pictures too.

And it is on this memo, that I must end my train of thought for now. I have to be at work in an hour and I haven't jumped in the shower yet sooo, yeah. Time to get going on that note. And, well... I guess one can only hope that today won't be too bad but, I don't know... I mean, I know I've had my high hopes but... yeah. On the other hand, I have a Kids Night Halloween next Tuesday to prepare for. So, who knows...

That noted, I really should post something up in the Lobby about it. Just saying.

Headstrong--even if sometimes, reluctantly...

~ me

Chapter 254 ~ Not just 'No', but 'HELL NO.'

...no. Not again.

Those of y'all who read the blog regularly, would be asking [I'm sure], The Helen of Troy do you mean by, 'not again'? Well... guess who's started talking s#!t again, folks.

Yep... Siren.

Are any of us surprised? In theory, I shouldn't be. And yet, I am.

Why? Because when we started talking and somewhat getting along again, I didn't think that he'd stoop back to such levels as being a complete a-hole. I should've known better that he'd never grow up, that he'd never change. He's still a jerk. He even so much as insulted my boyfriend Sprocket by calling him my "40-year-old boy toy". [For the record, Sprocket's 33. Nowhere near 40 yet, just for the sake of clarification in case Siren's already started talking any further BS.]

There's that inner part of me that wished he grew up, stopped acting like such an epic idiot. And then there's the smack of reality, when he posts lies like this--on ONE OF MY OWN FACEBOOK STATUSES NO LESS--

"lol yo tango secrete pictures from back then lol ninja camera skills ftw"

So for future reference--and this goes to EVERY StarKnight and every friend of mine reading this--IF, and this is a BIG IF, he's sent any message to any of y'all saying that sort of stuff, please, PLEASE disregard them as lies. At this point, I can't trust him--and neither should any of y'all. He lied to me more than once before, he's lied to me this week, and it wouldn't surprise me if he continued to lie.

Yeah, I know I'm calling him out on this but you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of being frustrated by his stupidity, and the way he can guage reactions like one from a friend of mine who responded--same status, but just before the 'secrete pictures' post--"This sounds like good porn. How much for a DVD?" And the status originally had NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

Those curious... the status was, ‎- [Sometimes, even the StarKnight Captain must face the tears and brave the darker hours.] - And for those who-all have read the drama go down on FB, you know just how infuriated I am. Not just as Siren for being a you-know-what, but also for that one friend who made the very stupid porn comments. Sprocket threw HIS two cents in and made the inner lightbulb in my brain go off [yes baby, I have seen the light!]:

"Wow, this really sounds like some high school shit, for real. The cowboy from the Village People implying he has pictures of some said sexual act with a StarKnight (im assuming it is with said author of this post) or one of the male StarKnights maybe? And you Jennifer maintaining any friendship with someone who would make such a comment, is really stupid, sorry. And playing into this sorry ass bitch's game is equally naive. Sorry. Rather nauseating...."

Personally, I'm thankful I had that real good wake-up from Sprocket. More like a good kick in MY conscience--one that I needed more than I realise. Because, Siren never is going to change. I don't care for him anymore... needless to say, I'm leaving this hopeless cause to God. He's no longer worthy of my concern as of now, because, basically, he never really did change. He has lost all my respect. It's a damn shame that his brother-in-law, Agathangelos [my friend the Good Angel], does NOT know about this.

Or maybe I should have him read this, because he needs to know just what sort of person he's got for a brother-in-law. [And actually, I believe he already knows, because I've told him before about Siren. So if he sees this, then GOOD. Because, he needs to know. I don't know what-all has been said between the two but, if I can shed some light on the matter, all the better.]

...there, I feel a LOT better now. Because I put much out there into the light, because things needed to be exposed. People needed to be called out. This is the StarKnight Captain people should sort-of be afraid of now--the kind that can wreck the most chaotic of revenge possible. The kind that exposes that sort of stuff to other people, to make them aware that, this is what's going on, and this is what will NOT be tolerated.

Hell hath no fury, like a very angry StarKnight Captain...

~ me

Chapter 253 ~ Chaotic Emotion

I'm awake, I'm wired, and--so help me God--I hate not having a nap when I want one. Long story with that one, I'll explain in a moment. But, I feel as if something just hasn't been quite right... maybe I'm just a bit overstressed, or worried about tomorrow. Again, explanation coming. Bear with me.

Meanwhile, today was the Daughters of the King Fall Assembly. With 41 pictures taken and a lot of conversation to be had with my friend Michele [whom I hadn't seen since the Fall Assembly in Melbourne LAST YEAR--she's in the DOK Chapter in Haines City], it was a great time to be had. I even told her about Sprocket--she was quite happy for me!

The festivities of Fall Assembly this year were nothing short of amazing. For one, it was at the Cathedral in Orlando this year. Two, it was rather bittersweet, as it was Anne's final Fall Assembly in Central Florida; she handed down the Presidency to Krisita, the 2nd Vice-President, during the meeting [the 1st Vice-President had to resign due to health issues as a result of her fight with cancer]. Anne will be moving to Tennessee on 1 November--another bittersweet day as it's not only All Saints Day, but also the day of corporate communion for all Daughters of the King. I'll be honest when I say, I am going to miss Anne very much--she'd been like an older sister and mentor to me, and especially during when I was preparing to become a Daughter. Now... *sigh* yeah, I still have one more month or so with her but, still...

I guess it's been a rather big year for losses, hasn't it? Awesome'ness is on his Sabbatical after his time as Choirmaster, and Anne's leaving to Tennessee. [Great-]Aunt Jackie died, two friends' Moms died, and my legally-blind adopted-at-the-heart Nana Janet died. It makes me almost worry about what the rest of the year is looking like.

Right now I'm wired and awake... on 6 hours' sleep and a 10-minute nap. I've been awake since 3 this morning, had to work 4:15-6 this morning since my 1st Assistant Manager accidentally scheduled me to work today. The only time I took that nap? On the way back from Orlando. I wanted to take a nap when I got home from Church but of course, that wasn't possible. That and, I still have 41 pictures to send over to e-mail and then post them in an epic mass e-mail to just about everybody. Which, mind you, isn't a problem for me. Except, it's gonna take a while. This I know. I know I've got Michele and Linda [the Diocesan Historian] to send them out to. Them and Gracie-boo [my DOK 'Nana'], Anne, Terry, Deacon Megumi, and the others in the Chapter.

Oh, and I have to work 6 A.M.-1 P.M. tomorrow. Which means I'll be a rehearsal behind for the Choir's first Evensong of the Choral Year... which is TOMORROW NIGHT. Good Lord, I am not gonna be a happy camper tomorrow. I'm not even prepared for it tomorrow, at all--I still have doubts about myself over the Magnificat piece. Tomorrow is not going to be good... I'm so scared I can almost feel it. Yeah, it's that bad.

...I swear, I need to sleep. Where's Sprocket to cuddle with?

Borderline-restless...

~ me

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me

Chapter 249 ~ ...vacation? WHAT VACATION!?

...well damn, so much for a vacation.

So thanks to circumstances beyond me and Sprocket's control, I have spent my entire vacation... in town. And if having to work all week on Sprocket's end wasn't bad enough, thank the car for giving him hell--because I was supposed to be staying over at his place tonight. As it is, I'm unfortunately in town... still. Sooo, the attempt to go out of town for vacation this year was a 'Fail' and, to be honest, I'm kinda glum about it. The only real good side about it was that, I got to see him this past weekend when he was over, and when he stayed over last night. Otherwise... well, it rained. And rained. And I was in town.

For all I know, I should've just gone to work, had I known that I was going to be stuck in town due to factors beyond my or Sprocket's control.

So as of right now, tomorrow afternoon's plans to go see Tears for Fears in concert is questionable, leaning towards 'very unlikely'--and it sucks, 'cause Sprocket and I were gonna meet up with a fellow Cocteau Twins fan too. The plans for Visage Night later on that evening still stands--however, it's also highly unlikely that I'll have anyone to go with. I mean, I know my fellow Cocteau Twins friend will be there. But... I mean, damn... if I get rained on in my new dress...

Yeah, I feel like I just picked the most fscked up time to go on vacation. I feel like I somehow just... wasted it. I just...



I think I'm going to have a long good cry now. What a way to end vacation. Boy am I looking forward to returning to work Monday morning.

Crying upon a shipless ocean...

~ me

Chapter 248 ~ Together|Asunder

Sometimes, I have to wonder just how painful some wounds were before they were just too deep to heal.

Things went rather sour, big time, between Seiya and I. Then again, I didn't even realise just how much he was really hurting since the break-up last September. Hell, I thought we would be better off as friends. And for quite a while, things had been going okay. Sure, we didn't always communicate as much as we used to, but we kept in touch. We had endured the loss of loved ones, and we had a good laugh through the better times. Though we hadn't spoken for a few weeks, I had thought, He's probably busy. His life's been a bit hectic, and it's understandable. So of course I thought, things were alright. We'd keep in touch... right?

News flash--I was so wrong.

It started earlier yesterday afternoon, when Sprocket [remember the guy I met in Orlando last month? yep, he's got a codename now!] stopped over at my place. Conversations went between my Halloween costume and my Classic Lolita outfit, and then it went into the who's-who of the StarKnights. And that was when it dawned on me--I thought, Damn, that reminds me. I haven't seen Seiya-chan online in a while. So I checked my Facebook and... well... hell. Where the Helen of Troy was he!? Yeah, Sprocket could tell I got a bit worried.

So I sent a text to Seiya, and he responded. I asked if he was alright. He told me he wasn't, and to call him later on in the evening. About an hour or so passed by before I received an e-mail from him... and needless to say, I was shocked. Sprocket was surprised, albeit not quite as shocked as I was. I just didn't know how to react, to be honest. Given that, I had assumed all was well... I thought there wasn't anything to worry about. How the Helen of Troy could this have gone up to this, and under my nose and outside my own radar? How was I to know that Seiya had been suffering far worse than this?

And on the other hand, the only time he ever noted about it, was in a letter he'd written a few months back.

Ten minutes to 9 P.M., and Sprocket and I are en route to CVS and still talking about the situation concerning Seiya. And it was then that I realised that, if this was how it was going to be, then... well, I wasn't gonna bother calling. Not if he sent that e-mail telling me that, he's moved on. That, he cannot be friends with me anymore. And if this was how it was going to go down, then that was to be something I would have to accept and live with. And I did, with the last thing he would receive from me--which I will make an extended version of at the end of this Chapter.

But yes, needless to say... it's a damn shame, that a friendship of some two or three years, would have to end like this. However, that is fine. Because if that's how it has to be then, so be it.

In other news, and speaking of Sprocket, I guess we can almost say that it's pretty official--boyfriend and girlfriend. Or as BF+GF as it's gonna get. It's somewhat complicated, but so far things are going spiffy. I like it. Which leads me to after I sent the final text to Seiya. We went to CVS and returned, got some laundry done, and went to sleep for the eventide. He dropped me off at work, before crashing at my place for a couple of hours. Now I recalled him having to be at class at 9 A.M.--so while he had mayhem at college to deal with, I had chaos at work to put up with. In fact, today I hadn't said a damn thing about the sitch between Seiya and I, so I must have done damn well somewhat. But work was chaotic and I even had to cry during my break. [I didn't even finish my breakfast, and forgot about the chocolate cookies I'd bought--that's how F'd up today was and how hectic I was when all was said and done.]

I come home irritated and ready to cry again--when I saw what looked to be a letter on my bed. At first, I was a bit perplexed. But then when I read it, I couldn't stop smiling... I haven't stopped smiling. In fact, Sprocket's letter is beside me now even as I type this!! Yes, this has made my day.

I will be seeing him again this weekend, and the whole of next week for that matter. Yep, y'all guessed it--I will finally be on vacation for next week. I'm very excited for this--spending a week with Sprocket. Who knows what-all sort of mayhem will ensue? It'll only prove to be rather interesting. Hopefully I'll update as the week goes along.

For now however, and in closing... I must finish with a proper send-off. A damn shame that it has to come down to this...

Seiya,

I am shocked, and apalled, that you have sent me such an e-mail as you sent yesterday. So, I suppose, it is only fitting that I reply in something that is more than two sentences long. Because, to be honest, the last thing I need is an e-mail from you to dampen my mood while my new guy's visiting me. The last thing I needed was to have to be the last to know.

But this time, it seemed, you didn't give a damn if I was the last to know now. You didn't care anymore, because you moved on. But I was the last to know, and too late to even understand it. I guess, then, that I was blind and stupid to realise that, you never did get over me. Or maybe I thought, all would be well while we were still friends. We would always be friends, wouldn't we?

And yet, once again, I was wrong. I was always wrong, wasn't I?

I cannot go back to the way things used to be, the way you wanted things to be. My heart has found a new joy, one much closer to me. It cannot risk itself in the repeat of what would only become pain and, in the end, hurting. It couldn't take another stupid argument over who had a worse attitude problem. It couldn't take another having to sit around and just do nothing... feeling like a complete waste of time when all was said and done... a complete waste of emotions. Yes, I was hurting that much. And since you decided to tell me now, at the last minute, of your wanting to cut ties with me, I'd decided to wait 'til now to really spill out my guts. So there, now you know.

And yet, it's too late to fix anything.

So then, go on with your life. I have begun to do so myself--erasing memories of you from my phone. The picture and the texts. The blogposts and the stories remain, because they are a part of my past--but you will have no part of my future. Yet will I continue to pray for you... but rest assured--you will never hear from me ever again.

Because of your e-mail, I decided to not call you, nor will I call you ever again, because I deleted your number. Only fitting, so that I never find the nerve to ever want to speak to you. That said,

May your father continue to smile upon you from Heaven. May your mother stay strong. May you continue to be strong. May God hold you in His hands. And may life treat you better than you expected.

Good-bye and good luck. I wish you well.

~ me

Chapter 247 ~ I Have A Tale To Tell...

*Writer's Note--This post was started on Wednesday 21 July, and was continued and finished on Thursday 22 July 2010*

- [ W e d n e s d a y 2 1 J u l y ] -

[Note--the Chapter Title is the first line from the Song of the Day.]

Song of the Day//"Live to Tell"|Madonna.

...okay, so my original Chapter 247 didn't quite go as planned. A lot came up, and with that came some drama which desperately needed a good sorting-through. Right now though, things are a bit more on the calmer side. Providing the wifi doesn't mess up as I type this, here's an update.

First and foremost, Hideki-chan. Yes, I think that, it's safe to say that, it's been over--only I was reluctant to accept it. But now, I've come to accept it. His life's much too chaotic right now for him to make time for me... and this, told me EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON. A bit late to notify me, eh? On the other hand, I'm just a bit ahead of this, and perhaps all the more glad for it.

Meanwhile... work's been mayhem and a half. Kids Night's been fairly slow because of Summer Vacation. And of course, there's always something bound to happen at every turn. Such is life at work, one like myself could suppose... and yet, I survive at the daily. There but for the grace of God, indeed.

The World Cup this year was rather interesting, to say the least. This year it all went down in South Africa, and boy were there plenty of ups and downs to show for it. I had been rooting for USA and England, who were both eliminated in the Round of 16. And then people were telling me to root for this time or root for that team, which didn't help me any. Though I will say, congrats and kudos to Spain for going so far as to not only reach the Final for the first time in their country's history but also to win it. On the other hand... damn, if y'all missed that Final match, it was a dirty one--and by that I mean, 14 YELLOW CARDS AND 1 RED CARD. Yeah, Netherlands played a rather crappy game, big time. Spain put up a helluva fight. Game went into Extra Time. And in the end, Spain won it. Next stop is Brazil in 2014.

- [ T h u r s d a y 2 2 J u l y ] -

Song of the Day|"Evangeline" - Cocteau Twins

Wow... just, wow.

Ever felt like today was just one of those days that you just wanted to hide in your own shell and cry? Well, that's how it was, for the first time in quite a while, because that's how I'm feeling after a rather chaotic day at work, in which anything can go wrong and did--and into all sorts of wrong too. I'm surprised I didn't throw anything at anyone yet. On the other hand... today... I'm just outright upset, tired and ready for a good cry. It hasn't happened yet though. Perhaps getting back to this would put something good on my face? I can but only hope. Only one person knows the whole of the situation... I just haven't found a codename for him yet but... yeah... he knows. And to be honest, I'm glad and thankful a bit that he heard me out. It actually surprised me a bit, but... yeah...

I'm smiling again, albeit a sad smile, but smiling nonetheless.

And it brings me to a memory associated with him. And that memory would be this past Saturday night, when I went to a Visage Reunion night in Orlando with two of my friends. I ran into two other friends that I hadn't seen in years [Tina! Jonathan! FUN TIME HAD BY ALL!], and I pretty much danced the night away. All four hours of it. The night itself was awesome'ness... but he made it all the better. And he knows who he is. It's a bit of a long story as to how we met, but it all really led up to this night, in which--after exchanging a few messages here and there, and then my inviting him at the sorta-last-minute--we met up... and had a grand ol' eventide!

I'm smiling again, even now. While it's a sad one because I'm exhausted, it's still a smile because I have a good memory to look back on.

That, though, doesn't seem to stop the tears that have finally come around to fall...

Finally having a good cry...

~ me

Chapter 246 ~ Blind dates are a *BEEP!*.

Yes, I am calling this one out for last night. If there is one thing that EVERYBODY must know about me, it's the following--

I can't stand blind dates. Period.

[Currently listening to|"Peppermint Pig" (12" version) - The Cocteau Twins.]

So right now, things are a bit, erm... unsettled within me as of last night. I mean, well, okay. The guy, he's older than me. [Okay, I suppose I can handle that, right?] And he thinks I'm pretty cool. [Eh, fine and dandy I guess. Right?] But then the conversation kinda turned to a matter that will NOT be brougth up here. [Uh oh. Things just got a bit, erk, not-so-lovely...]

And then, well, he kissed me good night.

[Two words: RED FLAG.]

So, that said... WHAT THE F@#K WAS I THINKING!? I mean, this guy and I, we kinda "clicked" but we didn't "click", y'know? We got along well as friends but on my end, there just wasn't any romantic spark, period. And when the conversation went on the uncalled-for, I got a bit alarmed within... the kind of 'alarmed' that makes one go, "Aw f@#k" in disgust.

Yeah, it didn't help when he kissed me good night. Just, no.

I mean, yeah. You know what, I'm damn awesome like that. On the other hand, I'm not up for gettin' in anybody's pants anytime soon. He wants to take me out this Saturday night--and I, stupid ID10T that I am to be so damn nice, said yes to it. Though, we're heading to daVinci's this Saturday night. Hopefully he can be kept at bay to the point where he WON'T try to kiss me. Because, I'll be honest--he caught me off guard. It's bad enough he is *way* too into me already, much too soon.

Wishing things just weren't this f@#ked up right now...

~ me

Chapter 241 ~ How'd You Get to Feel Happiness...

Song of the Moment|"Happiness" - Goldfrapp.

WARNING|STRONG LANGUAGE AND/OR BRUTAL HONESTY INVOLVED!

It's been three... no, four. Four weeks since Orin was here. I'm in my taking-names mode again. This heart is still recovering, trying to heal...
trying to function...
to think...
to feel...

As I listen to "Happiness", I had to look back on the more chaotic part of the past couple of weeks. Had it really been four weeks since I last saw him? Oh hell, it must've been. It almost feels like eternity; on the other hand, it feels like it was only maybe two weeks ago. The wounds are still fresh and, while I really seem to be doing well within the whim and company of coworkers and friends, I am still afraid to let any guy ever really get close to me again. The closest guy I have in my life now is my beloved Choirmaster, and he's leaving, so it hasn't really made matters that much better.

One can say that, I have truly hit a quarter-life crisis. At this point in time, I am thoroughly convinced that, I truly am not meant to be anyone's someone. This I am realising as the days pass by and the months slowly begin to dull out. I can't heal as fast as I expected myself to. I need more time. I need to make more time for myself. I need...

I need to stop kidding myself. I can't keep convincing myself that someone better will come along, because... because that would only be me kidding myself...

*sigh* I spent at least four hours trying to type this post. I think I'm done with it for the night.

Mending the shattered fragments...

~ me

Chapter 239 ~ Where's My Verbal Baseball Bat?

I am going to give this warning only once: this blogpost contains strong language and was written with a highly-irritated frame of mind. However, please understand that there a few people out there who really need to read this, so they can understand where it is I'm coming from. And yes, today, I am naming names.

Okay, y'all ready? Sit down, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once...

It's fucked up when I can't rant without someone wanting to try to solve all my problems.

Last night, yeah, I had a helluva day at work. I vented a bit for my Facebook status. I actually felt better having let that all out in one simple status.

Not more than a few minutes later--simply because Jonathan, Richard, Daniel, Pouncer AND Clint all threw their two cents in where it really wasn't necessary... I'm back to all pissed off. Because, they need to understand something very important about me. Siren's been very close to ticking me off also, on a slightly different matter, but I will address it in a moment. But first,

--Jonathan, Richard, Daniel, Pouncer, Clint... are y'all reading this? Okay. Pay attention:

If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it. If I wanted your two cents' worth, I would have asked for it. I was feeling a lot better when I vented on that status, until YOU five all fucked it up, and got me pissed off again. I haven't calmed down since. I am still upset, except it's not so much at my workday yesterday as much as it is over a bunch of guys who think they can throw their two cents' worth and think that I should take THEIR advice, thinking that THEY know what the hell they're talking about.

Understand this, boys [yes, boys, since I can't really consider you guys 'men' at this point]--I don't need your advice. I don't want your advice. If and when I want your two cents' worth on it, I will let you know. I don't care if you all are concerned about me--that's fine. That's what friends do. HOWEVER, I do NOT want you guys to jump right on in and end up only for me to have to redig up the issue, get pissed off at something else, and end up even more upset than I'd originally intended.

Now, Siren--NO, I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH RICHARD. And I'm not going out with anyone, as a side note. End of discussion on that matter. However, I will encourage you to tread carefully with your words, as you've got me on my bad side once again.

And to everyone reading this, mark this as a lesson to all. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Don't make me vent any further than I need to. And--most importantly--keep your damn mouth shut.

[Unless you're among the very few friends, like Skater, Peter, anyone in my Choir (y'all know who you are), my fellow Typists, my coworkers, and the very few that know me well enough and live that advice of mine quite well. You all know who you are. Thankies muchly for it.]

...okay. NOW I'm all better. Finally. Time for a shower and F.A.M. Night.

Saved from a temper-tantrum aneurism...

~ me

Chapter 237 ~ Healing the Wounds

Song of the Night: "Ignorance" - Paramore.

So as of right now, I guess one can say that I'm still somewhat... numb. I mean, I have regained much of me, but there are still things that need to be sorted out. For one, Hideki -still- hasn't answered the "Why?" or "What happened?" of it all. And for all I know, at this point, I don't necessarily care anymore. Seriously. Because if he can't give me a reason then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm tipping my hat to my buddies Hikari [dude, I'm so staying over at some point in the summer, we'll stay up playin' RockBand all Saturday night just for kicks!], Siren [see ya tomorrow night, punk, and let me sleep alright?], Sanyun [let me know when you find Cupid--I wanna watch you beat his a$s up!!], Seiya [WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIGHTNING BOLT, DUDE!!!], Great-Auntie Cathie [I am definitely gonna have to use your advice], Chrissie and the gang at Quizno's [Chrissie, I sent the s.o.b. the 'gay question' text--Scotty, we *still* have to hang out--and Raven, yeah, we chicks f@#kin' rock], the majority of my coworkers [y'all know who you are, I don't have to say names], my fellow Frostwind typists [F-Unit, STAND UP!], the gang of Canterbury House [my newly-adopted Second Family... Mondays will never be the same again], my fellow Choristers [one more month, folks], and Choirmaster Peter [once again, your wisdom and good humor has won my nerve over AGAIN] for helping me get my chin up back off my chest. Hell, there's probably others involved in the chaos of my recovery process, but that's pretty much at the top of my head right now. I still have tears to cry, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck wondering all these questions but, for now, I have y'all to thank for helping me get back up off the ground. I appreciate you all, I love you all!

So right now, well, I'm just hanging in there, floating along. I still have some 20 or 30 pics from last Wednesday that I need to sort out and get into another photo album, and I have a new dress which is gonna be worn on Sunday [no Siren, I'm not modeling for you... keep dreaming]. Otherwise, well... yeah... I guess that's about... it...

You know, where the f@#k is Shiori? Maybe I should buy him a round of drinks next time I see him. Hmm. And this is coming from someone who DOESN'T drink!

*sigh* Really. Hideki broke my heart. And he'll be sorry for it. Give it time.

Fed up [for now]...

~ me.

Chapter 232 ~ Storm the Front

Sooo... another March has come and gone. It's sad though, because this was a month I really had high hopes for. With the exception of Engeki-chan's visit and reuniting with family that I love and miss immensely, and not to mention yesterday's surprise inspection during the first two freckin' hours of my shift [guh... gotta love the stress on borderline-explode] which our store passed, well... yeah. This month has been one of many tears and disappointments.

And it hurts, a lot.

Death's struck three or four times that I can think of; plans I made with friends, in advance, fell through rather badly; stress at work got to me, and I have a burn from Monday morning as a piece of evidence to show for it.

Hideki-chan... well... I don't know 'bout him anymore. I called and left him a voicemail this past Saturday asking if he'd like to get together with me this Saturday, maybe go see a movie or two. [There's two, actually, that I'd like to see--"Kick Ass" and "How to Train Your Dragon"... surprise! Sunny wanna go see movies for once!!] Sadly, well, I haven't heard from him yet, and tomorrow's Maundy Thursday and, I'm pretty much looking forward to what could possibly be a Saturday alone. Again. I think I'll prepare to take another Cemetery Excursion that afternoon, and then go to the Easter Vigil service at Church before heading home to just do *something.* I am not sure what I will do to keep myself occupied but, that's pretty much what things are looking like for the moment unless Hideki can step up his game a bit. It's a shame too... I really like him. And I know that he likes me too but, right now... well... it makes me want to doubt that. And I really, really don't want to have to have doubts about his feelings for me. It just sucks that he's too busy to actually make time for me. Thank his job for that, folks. But... I don't blame him. I just wish that things weren't such a damn strain for us right now. *sigh* We'll just have to wait and see what happens from here.

Meanwhile, I had planned twice to hang out with Siren and, both times they fell through. I suppose I won't go into specifics but, the timing's gone all wrong, and the situations didn't seem quite so proper. So, I don't know. I'm thinking, maybe an I-Bar excursion this summer. When things aren't so crazy and Choir's on vacation. But unless Siren gets over a case of hurt pride [remember Siren--rejection is a bitch. this I know. remember when you dumped me? uh-huh, i thought so. lesson learned, case in mind, now let's move it along m'kay?], I doubt I'll be visiting I-Bar again anytime soon. Thankfully I have plenty of 80's mixes to keep my ears otherwise preoccupied.

And, in other whims... well... Kaguya is my friend again. Yes, Mikey. I have found a codename--it's actually the name I've used for the Starian Union stories. So, anywho, yes, I have reconnected with Kaguya and, to be honest, it's good to catch up with him again. I kinda miss the boy, really. Just sad that, when I look back sometimes, he did break my heart. But, I have since gotten over that minor pain--I'm not gonna let a failed romance kill any possibility of a damn good friendship. I don't know--maybe we'll be together again someday, maybe not. If it's meant to be, then so be it. I have my doubts though... maybe because of my whole stance against the "second chance"-type thing. But, I don't know, maybe some things are worth a second try? I am not sure. And I won't jump the gun on this either... I'm not that stupid.

Aside from Engeki-chan's visit, I've tried to make plans to hang out with friends some four times this month. So far, three of them have all fallen through somehow, through circumstances unexpected. And, the way things are going, plan #4 might end up in the same way with the others. That is fine, however--it just means that, I'm going to start making back-up plans for myself. If I've got something going on with a friend and that falls through at the last minute, I've got something to fall back on and get around to. Determined, me? Perhaps. But, in the end, I'm not going to let disappointment f@#k me up and over. Basically, those who back out on me, will just miss out--plain and simple.

This month marked the 6-year anniversary of my only suicide attempt, and my surviving it. Painful as it seems, it's been perhaps the darkest of my moments, and probably my greatest triumph. I hadn't felt as weak as I was at that moment, when I almost ended my existence. To be honest, I'm glad I survived it, even as there were times when I really wanted to doubt my existence and survival. Because, there'd been days when really did wish I hadn't survivied the attempt. In the end, however, I am glad that I did--because, when you think about it, there'd be a handful of people left behind, and even more that I'd never met and touched the lives of. Sooo, yeah, I'm glad I survived. And I think I'm a better person for it. Yes, I'll have my tears. Yes, life will have many a disappointment. Yes, work's always going to want to beat me 'til it hurts, and people will spite me for God knows whatever reason. Yes, I'll have trying times... but hey. Trials will not have the last word--God will. And in Him do I keep and will continue to trust. Mark my words on that.

Sooo... I guess that's this now-ending month, all in all. Or, at least, my analysis of it anyway. Much has gone on, and I'm not even sure if whether or not I should look forward to April. However, I should. And I am. Because, there's Easter. And the 125th Anniversary of the Daughters of the King [woohoo!!], and... and... crap. I guess that's about all to look forward to for April, right? I mean, aside from Kids Night on Tuesdays and all that... but, still.

*sigh* I think I need to start finding my own reasons to celebrate. 'Cause trying to make plans to hang out with friends [only to watch 'em fall apart] just doesn't seem to be working for me at this rate. More Cemetery Excursions and more plotting for Kids Nights, those seem to be in order for me, enough to keep me mentally sane. Or somewhere close to otherwise-fully-preoccupied. If people want to make plans with me, they need to follow through. Otherwise, time wasted. Back-up plans are now in effect for Saturday--and if Hideki can't step up to the plate, then it's his loss. I can always go celebrate Easter a few hours early.

Fed up with worthless wastes of time...
~ me

Chapter 231 ~ Emotional Exhaustion FTW.

Yes, the title should explain it all. I have been, and still am, emotionally exhausted. That summarizes the first 10 days of March. For those who don't know [or don't remember, or want the whole of the sitch], let me fill y'all in. Fasten your seat-belts, because I'm going to be borderline-all over the freckin' place with this.

Sunday 28 February, Roboter's dad [who'd been suffering from dementia for *years*] suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital, where he went from bad to worse practically overnight. By Wednesday he couldn't swallow anymore, and his ability to function on his own was basically gone. He was moved to the Hospice Care unit and, by Saturday, it was expected that he'd probably make it one more week, at best. But... God called him home Sunday morning. Roboter is beside himself, and I don't blame him one damn bit.

Adding to that, this past Saturday also, [Step]Mom called me... from Ohio... after attending Grams' funeral. Now, who the wheehey is Grams?, y'all may ask. Grams, actually, is my great-grandmother on my [Step]Mom's side. [I really should just slash the 'Step'... seriously...] Mom updated me that Grams passed away last Wednesday morning; in fact, she thought my DAD told me! I'm sorry but, Dad, being Hispanic... the running gag in the family is that, he runs on Cuban time. Almost always late for everything, whether by accident or on purpose. In any case, nope, he didn't tell me. Mom was mad...!!! But, in any case, yeah, Dad called me a while later--he thought Mom told me about Grams! I just didn't care... Grams was gone. And I do have memories of her... I miss her. I still cry a bit about it.

Also, yesterday I found out about the passing on Monday, of an aunt of a friend of mine from back in middle school. The grieving continues. It's all a bit much, to be honest. But, death seems to have hit full-swing this year--7 deaths so far within my Circle of Friends. And it's only f@#kin' March.

Yes, 7. I stated three so far. Here's the previous four that preceeded them.

January -
- Heather's Dad [Andy's grandfather--Andy is my 4-year-old Godson]
- Billie's Grandmother [Billie is my new neighbor]

February -
- Erma's Mother-in-Law AND Aunt-in-Law [Erma is one of my drive-thru regular customers]

Monday night I had a very, VERY good cry. Cried for an hour. It felt like for ever but, I felt much better after all that. I mean, I still feel pretty freckin' miserable for the most part, and I'm still emotionally exhausted but, I'm a tough cookie nonetheless. It's hard not to feel anything, because I'm that kind of person that loves without thinking twice more often than not. I grieve, I suffer, and I hurt--all because I love. So when someone dies... yeah... I can feel the suffering. And it hurts. But by the Grace of God, I don't suffer in vain. And I don't suffer alone.

So... yeah... that's pretty much March so far. Ten days in, and I already wish it was over. And that's a shame, because this month's also the six-year anniversary of when I survived my only suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been six years since the darkest of what I call my personal "eclipse"--it hasn't really sunk in the wanting to celebrate, sadly, due to the death that's hit. And I know I cried a lot of tears so far this week--there'll be more to cry, that is certain. But, I'll be somewhere at the intersection of Mourning and Joyful somewhere... when it does meet. Somehow. And, God willing, soon.

Until then... *sigh*

~ me

Chapter 227 ~ MAAAYDAAAY!!!

Ah yes, the holiday season. Filled with lights and Christmas trees. Latkes and Hanukkah menorahs [or Hanukyahs, I think that's the way it's spelt. if not, my bad!]. Family time and party time. Lots of music, lots of headaches. Lots of this, that and the other. And enough drama to make me [or you if this is the case] scream--deep breath, all together now,

BAH FRECKIN' HUMBUG!!!

*sigh* There. All better. As long as the neighbors don't ask, "Holy cow what happened to the girl!?" then, hey. All is well. Because it's been that kind of week. Allow me to throw a few verbal snowballs on a few itty bitty little matters.

First and foremost, my extremely evil laptop. It's been uncooperative. And it's been acting up, for a lack of better words. In fact, I think I've pleaded with it quite enough. [Of course, I could be wrong!!] But, while it's being very nice to me *now* I figured, update the Trans-Underground Express while absofreckin'lutely possible. Sooo... yeah. I really wish it didn't have to be a rant-o-rama. Don't worry, I'll make up for it with some good news. But, in order to get to the good stuff, I need to let out the bad stuff too. 'Cause, those of y'all who've read the blog long enough... yeah. We don't need Sunny holding her temper all in. Nuh-uh.

There. That said, on to a more severely irksome topic. Everyone -knows- this one. Work. Yep, the drive-thru of doom as I like to call it. And these days--I hate to admit it but--it's been hell in a handbasket. Between the weather as of recent [wind + rain + cold = ick] and the technology failure as a result of a power surge late Tuesday night, today... at work... eh... yeah. Bad. Very, very bad. There is only one old-school credit card machine in the entire store... and it's in the Back Drive-thru of all places. Which means there's myself, Joey [Mary, the espresso-machine queen--NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH STORE MANAGER MARY... alias Blue Sky] taking the orders... and up to all three Front Counter order takers, in the event that all four of us, at some point, have to take a credit card. Two rolls of receipt paper got changed out, the New System finally got fixed around 1 P.M. earlier today... around the time I was leaving. Irony, anyone?

And lastly on the not-so-good list of random thoughts... well, it's still taking a while for me to snap out of that November slump. Yes, 10 days into December and I still haven't entirely snapped back into yet. I think it's partly because of the weather. One friend reasoned it had to do with my first Christmas being single in a few years [gee thanks... rub it in why not. lol]. Another thought I was overstressed [eh, maybe...? i don't know...!!]. And one other person thought, "Oh, we all go through that, Jenn. Don't worry about it." Uhm, problem is, with me, 9 times out of 10 you -don't- want to tell me not to worry about it because, chances are, I'm SOOO gonna worry about it!! But, back to this. Yeah... part of me is still kinda... uhm... blah. That's it. Blah.

Alright!! now that I've got the bad stuff out of the system, on to the good stuff. Like, a Christmas tree, perhaps! [And I still need to get a pic of the Christmas tree at work posted up here at some point!] The tree [finally] got trimmed and adorned during Kids Night on Tuesday 1 December. The kids made the majority of the ornaments that are up on the tree. I only made a few and had to momentarily get over my fears of heights AND falling to get the Star at the top. All in all, best Kids Night in a while. But if you want insanity, this past Kids Night was that--especially after I decided to extend it. Because, let's face it. It's just downright WRONG to interrupt kids in their Christmas-card-making projects. So, I extended it, ended up with glitter glue all over my shirt [thankfully it was a Super Mario shirt... 'cause I would really hate to have to end up with glitter glue all over my work shirt, which was *almost* the case!], helped kids make cards, and even painted faces of a high school girls basketball team from Flagler County. Alll in all, hilarity ensued. Fun times. Though by the time all was said and done it was 10 P.M. and, I really needed to get home, post-haste... who knew that half an hour later after I left would be the power surge noted earlier during the rants?

Also, this past Saturday was DeLand's annual Christmas Parade. Yours truly walked it... with Rabbit... Blue Sky... some coworkers... and RONALD McDONALD! Yep, Ronald was with us again this year. This time around, before the Parade started, we had time to get pics taken with Ronald, as well as the City of Deltona's Grinch [or at least I did anyway]. We had lots of fun catching up with friends, coworkers, some of our resident higher-ups [one of the Supervisors, and the Store Owners both, were there]. And there was even a dose of danger and adventure because, as we were heading back in the opposite direction, to catch the rest of the Parade, three of my coworkers went to Checkers--I stayed across the street from there. Surprise, surprise--not five minutes later did a fight break out. Cops and the Sheriff got involved. It was exciting--and pretty freckin' scary--to watch from across the street. The Parade was halted momentarily while the scuffle got stopped, and then it [the Parade] was resumed. All in all, eh, not a bad Parade this year but, I'm now concerned about its possible turn-out for next year. We'll just have to wait and see what-all happens next year.

And, lastly, PARTY!!! Yep, three parties in four days. And what looks to be next week's schedule too. Anyone taking notes?

+ Friday 11 December [tomorrow] ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Hanukkah Party at Temple Israel [night 1 of Hanukkah]
+ Saturday 12 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.]
+ Sunday 13 December ~ Choir Christmas Party [after the 11 a.m. service]
+ Monday 14 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Christmas Potluck Party at work [starting at 11 a.m.]
+ Tuesday 15 December ~ Work [12-8 p.m.] - Kids Night at work [5-8 p.m.]
+ Wednesday 16 December ~ OFF!!! [i can breathe for once! lol] - F.A.M. Night on Christmas Break until January 2010
+ Thursday 17 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Daughters of the King meeting [7-8 p.m.]
+ Friday 18 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Hanukkah Party at Temple Israel [night 8 (final night) of Hanukkah]
+ Saturday 20 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.]

WHEW!!! that's gonna be a long week... which, mind, the work schedule is ALWAYS subject to change. If that is the case I will update accordingly. But, anywho... I can but only try to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe I'll do something during Kids Night for Hanukkah... or not. I don't know. If we can get away with Christmas then, why not Hanukkah? I'm sure we can try to make latkes out of French Fries...

--erm, or not?

I suppose that is all for now. I know I haven't been updating on the musicality that is the Thursday Tradition but, as of lately, the laptop's been hating on me. And I'd been too busy, too hectic, and too "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" to even get my nerves together proper. Sooo, hopefully, I should be able to get some music back up soon. Maybe Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" for the Thursday Tradition next week? Sound good with y'all? 'Cause it does for me... I mean, it's Hanukkah after all! And it's a funny song. And... and... it's one of the few great mainstream Hanukkah songs that can get away with mainstream radio. How's that for made-of-awesome?

And on THAT bombshell... time to get ready for my D.O.K. meeting. I'm already late for the shower. Dang nabbit.

Bracing for what promises to be one very long Holiday season...

~ me