Chapter 219 ~ Postcards from Paradise...?

Sooo... I'll be honest. I've had a rather hectic week. And 'hectic' is more an understatement than you'd realise. Now since I know there's some of you looking at this going, "Oh, we know. We've read the Facebook statuses and nonsuch..."

oh, no. You don't know. And only a small handful do. So I'm just going to summarise this week in a few sentences, maybe even a few words.

Monday was a nervewreck. Tuesday brought a break-up. And I didn't want to wake up on Wednesday [but I did for F.A.M. Night]. Yesterday was hell [and chocolate syrup on the work visor--don't ask, it ain't funny]. Today... today I'm tired.

Oh and, yes, you read proper. Tuesday night I broke up with Roboter, which I suppose was a while in coming but, it was only a matter of time after the fighting and silence. Now, please, no, don't feel sorry for me. Please. I don't want anyone's pity, nor do I care for it. Break-ups hurt on both ends of the wire, no matter how peaceful or chaotic the moment of shatter is. I'm not gonna lie--I'm okay, I'm a strong girl. But [and hear me out when I say this] break-ups are a bitch, plain and simple. Not like I don't miss him [eh, I do, but just a bit] but... this is for the best. Better to lose the relationship than to lose the friend.

As for yesterday, I suppose I can explain the chocolate syrup incident. Here's the sitch--I was in the Front Drive-Thru area, multitasking between taking orders and helping in making drinks. I was about to start making a Hot Chocolate, and I'd just put in the chocolate syrup and... I swear, I've no idea what the Helen of Troy happened but, between trying to avoid my coworker Mary's elbow, and my trying to pay attention between the drink and the order on the Speaker... the next thing I knew, *THUNK!!* the cup dropped from my grasp [damnit, how!?], hit the floor, and chocolate syrup went *everywhere*. Got my face and under the brim of my visor. Boy was that a laugh... well, Mary and I got a light laugh out of it, but the rest of the day [I'm not even gonna go there either] brought me to a crying fit with Manager Carlina in the Managers' Office. Yeah, yesterday was that bad.

So... that's just about the gist of things here on this front. That's the current State of this thing called Me. I'm just... bleah. Plain and simple. And it's even so much as affected me with my RP, as I'm really going through a rough Typist's Block right now, with another Typist conflict in the Forum which I am not going to go into. All I can say is, it's added to the slight bout of "Meh" that I'm in. So, yeah, all of a sudden... I don't feel so freckin' great anymore.

No, don't give me your pity. I don't want it.

~ me

Chapter 218 ~ Labor Day and a Long Week

Sooo, for those of us American Underground Citizens, Happy Labor Day!! Enjoy the day off [or short day, or just plain enjoy the day if you have to work]. Get some sun, chillax, and all that nonsuch!

Now, that done, a few updates are in order...

This is what this week looks like. No, don't take notes; just, pay attention, because for you fellow Frostwind typists, that's determing my RP time this week. Not to mention, it's a major slight loop. Y'all ready for this?

Today ~ Labor Day. Payday. Banks are closed [dang nabbit]. Worked 5 A.M.-2 P.M.

Tuesday 8 September ~ Work, 1-8 P.M., with Kids Night 5-8. Will be running a few errands prior to work.

Wednesday 9 September ~ WORK: 5 A.M.-1 P.M.; F.A.M. Nite resumes, 5:30-7:30 P.M. at the Church.

Thursday 10 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M., Crew Trainers Meeting 4-5 P.M., Daughters of the King meeting 7-8 P.M. at the Church.

Friday 11 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M. And hopefully some RPG time at long freckin' last!!

Saturday 12 September ~ D.O.K. Fall Assembly in Melbourne!!! *happy dances* This would pretty much be *the* big Daughters adventure of the year for me, and my first one since my Installation as Secretary last week. Yes, I will be taking lots of pics, and might even get to do a big ol' pic blogpost. Not sure as to when though, but when it's posted, trust me, y'all will know! *grin*

Oh and, just so everyone knows, Roboter DID apologise, and all has been sorted, so all is well again. Thankfully. Now we'll just have to see what happens; hopefully he'll be able to actually take the initiative for once and actually do something, like... oh, call or text me first? Well, as I said, we'll see what happens.

And on THAT bombshell, and For His Sake...

~ me

Chapter 217 ~ Some Small Self-Betrayal

So... just now... I sent someone a text... that I didn't want to send him that text but, that I wished him a Happy Birthday, that I was sorry, that I love him.

But, that's all I said, and that's... that's probably all he's going to get from me unless he opens up and stops shutting me away. I... I really didn't want to send him that text, mainly because I've been rather upset with him, and because I've been prefering to wait on HIM to do something. Anything. He's 27 years old for crying out loud...

*sigh* So tonight, I'm in the company of a few fellow RP typists... cue a special "Heylo!!" to the fellow Frostwind typists who are reading this. But anyway... tonight it's the only way I'm gonna have to keep from crying like an emo on a bad hair day. [Don't ask as to where the Helen of Troy I got that from.] Or from doing something stupid or irrational. Or God only knows what.

Also... Choir's back in the whimsical swing of things tomorrow morning, and Fam-Night at Church starts up again this Wednesday. Perhaps, with the mess of things that I've landed myself in, these will keep my mind distracted and my heart busy. Or is it my heart distracted and my mind busy? I am not sure... in all of this madness, I really don't know what else to do anymore.

I want to save this. I don't want to lose Roboter. So... what now? Because if I have to call him... just to talk and settle this... fair warning: the Red Flag's gone up. It's not going to be a most pretty talk... things might not even end well. And it hurts when I feel as if I've given more than I can give... I fear that, I have given enough. More than enough. I mean, I'm walking on eggshells and broken glass now just for his sake [I mean, not literally but, you get the idea]...

I just want him to understand what I'm going through.

Yes, I'm not perfect,
I'm annoying sometimes.
I can be rather irritating.
I can even be b!tchy
[but by damn, I give a fair warning].
I'm sometimes emotional,
I'm sometimes emotionless.
I'm a punk, and a princess.
I'm a sinner, and a saint.
I love... because it's better to love than to hate.

And I... I deserve better.

"I'm getting pretty tired of living on hope..."
["What About Love" - 'Til Tuesday]


Now, granted that I'm feeling much better now considering that I've actually vented, and considering the implications and circumstances, and bracing myself for the consequences of speaking out so loud and so out of turn... I am going to mend this
[shattered
smashed
bruised
cut-up,
slashed-up
gutted
hanged
burned
scarred
bleeding]
broken heart.

The Red Flag has been raised over my heart. I don't want that Flag over my heart. I want to mend things. But I can't if he won't let me. And if he's not going to let me... then I'm not going to try anymore. Fair warning.

Wanting to Fix What Had Been Broken
[and yet, bracing for the worst]...
~ me

Chapter 216 ~ ...there. Better, but Still Missing.

Okay, after a few songs, and a few laughs [thankies much to my pal Berty for the YouTube of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus... and to you haters, sha'da'hey'up!!], and a LOT of ranting to my friends... I am feeling better. However, I still feel rather hollow within, and I think I realise why. The only problem is... does he? Will he? Because I've already pissed off enough people, and the last thing I need to feel is that I've pissed off the one person I love, enough for him to not even... so much as forgive me.

So there, I've said it. I'm still broken, and it's gonna be a while before I regain the last of the missing fragments of what is known as Me, before I can be my regularly-scheduled self again. Of course... unfortunately, the Month of Chaos is also in effect... yep... you know what time of the year it is. One month to my Birthday... and that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

*sigh* So... I guess the only thing I can say now is,

Happy Birthday, Roboter. I love you. I'm sorry.

And if he can't even so much as let me know as to where I stand with him... then perhaps I am not worth his time, nor his heart.

No, I am NOT airing dirty laundry out [again, sha'da'hey'up], but... if I hold it all in, it's going to kill me. And since I really am tired of always having to call him... actually, I tried to call him Tuesday night, got sent straight to voicemail. I haven't tried to call him since... because... because I am tired. I am sick and tired of having to be the one getting stewed at. Because I am sick and tired of always having to be the one calling when something goes wrong between us, only to get shoved straight into voicemail. I'm sorry but, the last time I heard... IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!!!

*sigh* Okay... I think I've said my piece for the week. But now, things are crucial. And if this doesn't get through to him... then I fear that, I may have truly reached that unwanted crossroads.

I'm just... sick and tired of everything. Of the madness at work. Of the headaches of family life. Of the pointless politics. Of my fragile heart having to be in a damn limbo again.

Sooo... yeah... I guess what's been missing from this thing called Me... has been my heart. It's a sickening epiphany, given the conversations I've had this week with everyone. However, I am sick and tired of pretending that everything's fine when it's not.

Yes, Roboter--I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! TRUST ME!!

--sorry, yes, I needed to use the Caps Lock. I needed to scream. To cry. To stop giving a damn about feeling like a damn failure in trying to set things right. I'm... I'm tired...



The worst feeling in the world is to not be forgiven. And as a friend told me earlier [thank ya's Mel'roonie],

Well this may sound very stereotypical, but if he REALLY loves/cares about you, he'll forgive you. Because we ALL know that we're just human, and we're all gonna say/do things we dont mean, or make mistakes. One can only hope that the other person will give us the chance to be forgiven. As long as you apoligized, really thats all you can do, unless you wanna be all sappy and do something crazy like play the guitar on his front lawn.

By the way, playing guitar on his front lawn... that's not going to happen. Be sappy, me? Yeah, I'll be sappy, I'll even mope for maybe a week. But sitting on the front lawn playing the guitar? Uh... no. Not happening. But y'all get the idea.

To everyone reading this, I do NOT really want you guys to take sides. Don't. That might make matters worse. But... just... hear me out [or read me out, but y'know what I mean]... because I'm sitting here crying as I type this. And when I'm done typing I am going to bed, I am going to cry myself to sleep, and wake up to take on the whole bloody world again tomorrow. God forbid I piss anyone else off... I've already caused enough crap for the week. And I really don't need anymore madness crashing down all over me... I don't need it.

*sigh* Okay. I am... I guess... a bit better.

I can only hope now that Roboter enjoys his Birthday tomorrow, for what-all it's worth. It's his day... he should be happy about it. It's his day...

Trying to Repair the Broken Pieces
[and getting my fingers cut in the process]...
~ me

Chapter 215 ~ Missing...

Today, after a rather rough week, and not even cheerful in the midst of Choir starting up again and my being Secretary of my D.O.K. Chapter... part of me feels missing. Terribly missing. I don't feel sound, I am not myself. And it hurts. This heart is breaking in the worst possible manner. It... it sucks. It really does. And mind you, it's one month to my 26th Birthday and, to be honest with y'all, I am not really looking forward to it, given the way things have been this past week.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I'm just tired. Sick and tired of damn near everything. Part of me wants to scream "Bah f@#king humbug!" and yet, I can't. And between the health-care controversy with the so-called "death panels" [yes, I heard plenty enough about it] and the headache and a half at work [especially with tensions rising, big time, between Manager Carlina and myself] AND perhaps the worst bout of a broken heart... I've come this close to screaming that I've damn-near had it.

*sigh* The longest month of the year has begun. Lovely.

Sooo, for those of us who's missing some part of ourselves... including myself... this is dedicated to us empty souls.
*Song of the Week*
"One of Our Submarines" ~ Thomas Dolby


Trying to find that missing piece of...
~ me

Chapter 214 ~ What Have I...?

In the immortal words of the Pet Shop Boys, what have I done to deserve this?

Welcome to September, fellow Underground Citizens. Unfortunately, it's rained most of the day, and Kids Night tonight was a borderline disaster. Add a conversation with Roboter that ended on a sour note--MY FAULT [I mean that]. Needless to say... I want to cry and yet, I can't. All I feel is... glum. Just, glum.

As if the day wasn't bad enough, I ended it on the worst note possible. My words got me into trouble with Roboter. I didn't mean to be so crass to him... *sigh*

I think tonight... when I finally do get to cry, I'm gonna cry for what-all it's worth. I just hope Roboter realises that, I had a bad day, and I never meant to take it out on him. Or anyone, for that matter. But with what-all I just got myself into, I don't think I'm quite so excited about Choir Practice tomorrow night anymore... let alone the Installation of Officers in the D.O.K. on Thursday Night... when I'll be installed as Secretary for my Chapter...

*sigh* Where the hell did I put the Kleenix?

~ me

Chapter 213 ~ Decisions of the Heart

So yesterday afternoon was well spent with two of my *newfound* best friends [yes Kit and Sissy-Boo sorta got replaced], and as I got back home last night after hanging out with them some 6-7 hours, and had just answered Roboter's text from 4:some-odd P.M. and not heard from him since, it got me thinking. A lot. And perhaps more about my priorities than much else.

That said, I have come to a proper decision--first and foremost, my main priority, my loyalty is to God, and GOD ALONE. No one else has top priority, and yet everyone else wants to take that position. Unfortunately, I will confess, I have been finding my first month as a Daughter slightly difficult [and then again being a child of God's never easy to begin with], and it doesn't help much that my mind's been a bit sidetracked. Work, family, Roboter. And not a lot of time for friends--especially my RPG family in Frostwind. And yet, I need even more time for God, and that alone isn't easy. So with this I will be reaffirming my duty to God as a Daughter of the King, and while getting back on track ain't gonna be easy, I refuse to give up on the work that must be done on Earth, while I still have time.

My second priority, is family. Sunday nights should be spent with family, dinner and such. Unfortunately the past couple of weeks since I returned from vacation has seen me slacking in my duties as the oldest of four children, mostly due to the fact that, there hasn't been enough time or the circumstances just weren't there. I need to bring myself back to proper basics, and that means more time spent with family. Dad, [Step]Mom, Small Lady and Jester all miss me. I miss them as well, and will do my best to make up for lost time with my family. For all I know, they're the family I have now.

My third priority, I have realised last night, belongs to that of my friends and, this includes those in my extended circle of Starian Knighthood--Pouncer, Skater, Rainbow Punk, Lin-Lin, Sora-chan, Echo, Revolver: If y'all ever read this, THIS INCLUDES YOU TOO!! It has been far too long for some of us [Echo, Sora-chan... two years at least, anyone?], and I know it's been even longer since I last saw Revolver [dude, you owe me a visit, remember? lol]. I can only hope that, somehow, I can keep in touch with the extended circle of StarKnights; occasionally I talk with Pouncer, and every now and then I'll run into Skater somewhere in town. Lin-Lin still is and will always be my Second-in-Command, been that way since the StarKnights were assembled. And hopefully Rainbow Punk is STILL somewhere in the vicinity of the area... God willing and the creek don't rise...

I've also officially, as of last night, included my RPG extended family in Frostwind, especially since I have five characters [2 Nephilim, 2 Garou (werewolves), 1 Corax (were-raven technically but he turns into a bluebird)], and FW has become my only actual creative output. Between the storylines I've taken part in ["Flight of the Harpy" anyone?] and the many ways I've made use of my artsy skills with the GIMP, and not to mention my recent being a part of the Typist Mediation Committee... yes, that has been what my creativity has been swirling into as of lately. It hasn't been easy either, especially with my work schedule and all, but it has been my only main way to express myself in a way that won't make me feel so weighed-down by everything else. In all honesty, I am an RPG veteran of some 7 years, but I've never found myself more creative now than ever, in the 4 months since I "arrived" in Frostwind.

My fourth priority, is work. Yes, my schedule is a bit of a mess right now [and don't even begin to ask what this week upcoming looks like either!], but I make the best of it. It's not like I get to leave on time--I don't count on that anymore. 1 o'clock P.M.? Me out on time? Forget it. Not while we're still slammed from Lunch Rush, and that's fine. But I try to sleep when I can, which is another big part of this priority, because of the time I'm usually in at work [5 A.M.] especially. I haven't really slept a lot since I returned from vacation [yes, I *will* get to a vacation '09 post in a few days or so, still have to sort out the rest of the pics and finish getting caught up on everything else], and that's mainly because a lot has happened at work, which in a sense affects me. So basically, I'm still out of the loop, and on top of that I have a meeting Thursday afternoon at 3 P.M. [omg, when was the last time there was an actual team-leader/crew-trainer meeting? yeah, if i don't remember then it's been *that* long...] so, time will be very limited between 1 P.M. and the D.O.K. meeting at 7.

My fifth priority, is Roboter. And this I placed last, and I'll explain why. It's hard to find any heart in an otherwise heartless world. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I really do. But sometimes one falls under the whim of lust... and as of this past April, since the visit, I've come to realise that, I am highly anxious and half-past-ashamed of myself when the thought of lust crosses my mind. Yes, I love him. No, I don't think of him *that* way anymore--for one, his visit back in April, has affected me. Big time. I mean, I did all I could, tried and failed, to get him out of his state of anxiety. When he's in that mood, I am not. And I haven't been in a while, to be honest. Especially with my new responsibility as a Daughter, and I can't... I can't get myself to think of him in that way. Yes, the visit has affected me *that* much. It's hard to even talk on the phone or even answer a text, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I'll end up saying something to trigger his being in the mood. Words are one thing--actions are something else altogether. The closest I ever get to any sort of lust-esque mood, is when I'm RP'ing in Frostwind [and that only happened once, BEFORE I became a Daughter, thank you very much]. And yes, he's sorta nitpicked on me a bit about my being online more than talking with him. The main problem is... my feelings for him have changed somehow. My sexuality has been well-subdued between the visit and my becoming a Daughter, big time. I mean, yes, I'll have the occasional minor glimpse into that side of me, which nowadays, when I look back on it I think of the exes, and I almost want to rip myself apart at that. All of this and more... as you can see, this is why I actually haven't noted much on Roboter, and while things are a bit back to normal [back to work and the busy rush of life], it's not the same anymore. I just have a hard time wanting to call him, having to debate within my own nerves about it. I... I can't get around to doing it. And when I do try to call him, the timing ends up wrong. Somehow... I'm afraid I have reached a standstill in the relationship because of this, and I don't know what the Helen of Troy to do about it.

I love him. I just don't dream of him in such a manner that would degrade my soul anymore, is what-all I'm trying to say. And this is something I will have to deal with, and soon, I'm afraid. I mean, I can't subject myself anymore to such wanting to just... to just rip my soul at the seams just because of something called lust. But I need to make a better example of myself, and if I am to think of my priorities better, I have been and must continue to think proper thoughts of my duties instead of thoughts that would've cooperated with his minor bouts of the lustful state of human nature. Because if I did... I would have said something that I would've badly disciplined myself for later. I don't even look back on past phonecalls borderlining on this anymore... I have realise, This isn't how a Daughter would think on someone she loved. I just wish I knew how to approach this... perhaps this is the best--no, this is the ONLY way I can address it; I have been so afraid for so long to address this--especially since it was ME who started on all of this a good handful of months ago. [Yes, borderline-confessional here, now sha'up.] I can only hope now to God above that he understands this, and as to why he has been last on my small list of priorities proper.

I feel a lot better after this little confessional of the heart. It's difficult to be me now. I wear a silver Cross of a religious Order, take on the world in a Drive-Thru, and try to make a better example of myself somehow. Yes, I know I can pull it all off and still be a loyal family member, friend, and girlfriend; however, it is not easy when society tries to have its way with me. Yes, I've had one hell of an illustrious past, I won't lie. I'm not perfect--I'm as much as good as the next sinner. However, that doesn't mean I can't try to be a better person; I sometimes hate myself for being imperfect, but it's not so bad to the point that I'll end up wanting to end my life. No, it's not that drastic, nor anywhere near it, and that is why I'm saying what I'm saying now. In a sense, I am a post-modern Mary Magdalen, a post-modern Margaret Cortona. This is my confession, this is my penance for being neglectful to my duties, my responsibilities. My priorities. And I need to get my behind back on track.

At the moment, these are my main priorities. I know, some of you might get upset at the way I prioritize, and that is fine, it doesn't affect me all that much. If I didn't prioritise my life the way I did--God, family, friends, work, Roboter--then, somehow, I would've really lost it altogether. I can't do this anymore. In fact, I've lost sleep over that, my lack of priorities as well as losing sight of which priority was most important.

So, in closing... I'm going to pray this. When y'all read this, please... think kindly of me...

Eternal God, you created me in your image to live in harmony with all creation, but I have strayed from your laws and commandments. My sins againsgt my neighbors have brought disharmony into your kingdom. My silence does not witness to your love. I pray, God have mercy on me and forgive my transgressions. I will be restored by your grace to live life in peace and to the honor and glory of your holy Name. Amen.

F[or] H[is] S[ake...] ~ me