Chapter 272 ~ WOW am I a bit late... sorry, y'all...

Yes, this is the Random 20 for last week. I was so busy preparing for a Bar Mitzvah that I completely forgot to get that done! My bad, folks!!

The Random 20 for Thursday 19 September 2013.
1) "Hidden Sign" - Visage.
2) "Never Say Never" - Exchange.
3) "Don't Fear the Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult.
4) "Tahitian Moon" - Porno For Pyros.
5) "Suffragette City" - David Bowie.
6) "Intergalactic" - Beastie Boys.
7) "Train In Vain" - Annie Lennox.
8) "Simple Economics" - Pedro the Lion.
9) "Exercise One" [Peel Session] - Joy Division.
10) "Danger on the Dance Floor" - The Cog is Dead.
11) "Extended Souvenir" - OMD.
12) "Blame It" - Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain.
13) "Peanuts" - The Police.
14) "Cries and Whispers" - New Order.
15) "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" - Death Cab for Cutie.
16) "Pitch the Baby" - Cocteau Twins.
17) "Green" [live] - OMD.
18) "Hemorrhage [In My Hands]" - Fuel.
19) "I Can't Help It" - Michael Jackson.
20) "6th Avenue Heartache" - The Wallflowers.

And yes, we *will* resume regular service tomorrow. ;-)

#UntilTheNextRound...
~ me

Chapter 271 ~ A Rant and the Random 20...

Okay... nothing scares me out of a shower faster than a spider in a corner. And my shower is SMALL. Which sucks, big time. If you know me well enough, you *know* I hate, hate and HATE spiders. I'm scared of 'em. I see one and it's one of two things depending on the size of the mo'fo'--
it's either World War 3, or you're gonna see me step AWAY from the situation.

"Awww, what's wrong, Sunny? Scared of spiders?"

Uhm... yep.

If you think that's weak and wimpy of me, just remember--you didn't wake up to one crawling on your face when you were a child, right? Yeah. Thought so.

That said, time for the Random 20. It must be Thursday...

1) "Golden-vein" [BBC Session] - Cocteau Twins.
2) "Something About You" - Level 42.
3) "Cold" - Annie Lennox.
4) "Sabotage" - Beastie Boys.
5) "Somebody That I Used To Know" - Gotye feat. Kimbra.
6) "(Exchange)" - Massive Attack.
7) "Pulling Mussels [From the Shell]" - Squeeze.
8) "The Motto" - Drake feat. Lil Wayne.
9) "If You Leave" [live] - OMD.
10) "So In Love" [live] - OMD.
11) "Sometimes Always" - The Jesus and Mary Chain.
12) "Exercise One" [Peel Session] - Joy Division.
13) "Let's Go" [extended mix] - Wang Chung.
14) "Building a Mystery" - Sarah McLachlan.
15) "Locomotion" [live] - OMD.
16) "Selfless, Cold and Composed" - Ben Folds Five.
17) "I'm On One" - DJ Khaled feat. Drake, Rick Ross and Lil Wayne.
18) "I'm a Boss" - Meek Mill feat. Rick Ross.
19) "Ch-Check It Out" - Beastie Boys.
20) "Butterfly" - The Verve.

*sigh* Now, Motoki needs to hit me up ASAP... uhm, I kinda need to use his shower--oh, yeah.

Did I mention that I have blue hair dye that needs to be rinsed out?

#FML
~ me

Chaapter 270 ~ Yep... it's Thursday sooo...

...so, let's get some tune'age going, Starian Union-style.

1) "State of the Nation" - New Order.
2) "Otterley" - Cocteau Twins.
3) "Barely [If At All]" - The Verve Pipe.
4) "Way of Life" - New Order.
5) "Loverboy" - The Cog is Dead.
6) "For Phoebe Still A Baby" - Cocteau Twins.
7) "All Day Long" - New Order.
8) "Villains" - The Verve Pipe.
9) "Amelia" - Cocteau Twins.
10) "Body and Soul" - Sisters of Mercy.
11) "Hazel" - Cocteau Twins.
12) "So In Love" [live - Saturday 17 September 2011] - OMD.
13) "You're Not Alone" - Olive.
14) "Super Bass" - The Downtown Fiction.
15) "Somebody That I Used To Know" [radio edit] - Gotye.
16) "Hang Me Up To Dry" - The Black Keys.
17) "Time Warp" - The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
18) "Compliments" [Shibuyaka remix] - Bloc Party.
19) "Dr. Franklyn" [demo version] - The Cog is Dead.
20) "Seven A.M." - The Blue Nile.

And,
Honorable Mention: "Don't Stop Me Now" - Queen.
Happy Birthday to the late, great Freddie Mercury!

#ReadyFreddie
~ me

Chapter 269 ~ Yep... it must be Throwback Thursday...

Y'all know what time it is...

1) "Turbo Lover" - Judas Priest.
2) "Luno" [Bloc Party vs. Death From Above 1979 remix] - Bloc Party.
3) "We Never Change" - Coldplay.
4) "Messages" [Peel Sessions version] - OMD.
5) "Let Me Go" - Heaven 17.
6) "Time and Time Again" - Counting Crows.
7) "Feathers-Oars-Blades" [BBC Sessions version] - Cocteau Twins.
8) "So In Love" [Live - Saturday 17 September 2011] - OMD.
9) "Only the Young" - Journey.
10) "Life's An Ocean" - The Verve.
11) "Fortress Around Your Heart" - Sting.
12) "Roller Coaster" - Jesus and Mary Chain.
13) "A Rush Of Blood To The Head" - Coldplay.
14) "Here Comes the Rain" - The Eurythmics.
15) "You and the Mona Lisa" - Shawn Colvin.
16) "Almost Gold" - Jesus and Mary Chain.
17) "Remember the Time" - Michael Jackson.
18) "Make It 'Till Monday" - The Verve.
19) "Sunday" [Dark Weekender Mix] - Exchange.
20) "Sometimes Always" - Jesus and Mary Chain.

#YoureWelcome!
~ me

Chapter 268 ~ Pardon the Disruption, Folks...

...and now, as I'm actually a day late, this week's Random 20.

1) "Contour" - Exchange.
2) "Ice-Pulse" - Cocteau Twins.
3) "Ch-Check It Out" - Beastie Boys.
4) "Hemorrhage [In My Hands]" - Fuel.
5) "Tour de France 03" [Long Distance Version 2] - Kraftwerk.
6) "It Must Have Been Love" - Roxette.
7) "Sonnet" - The Verve.
8) "Bloc Bloc Bloc" - OMD.
9) "She's Lost Control" - Joy Division.
10) "You & I" [Slow Rise Mix] - Delerium feat. Zoë Johnston.
11) "Tulips" [Minotaur Shock Remix] - Bloc Party.
12) "Darla Down the Automaton" - The Cog is Dead.
13) "China Girl" - David Bowie.
14) "Final Song" - OMD.
15) "F*ck You" - Cee-Lo Green.
16) "Let's Go Out Tonight" - The Blue Nile.
17) "Love and Pride" - King.
18) "The Boss" - Diana Ross.
19) "Shallow Then Halo" - Cocteau Twins.
20) "Simple Economics" - Pedro the Lion.

Preparing for an Ultreya at Church...
~ me

Chapter 267 ~ The Post-Chicago Post, and... and, a True Like!?

Yes, you Citizens read proper. But first, last week's Random 20!

1) "Crystal" - New Order.
2) "Electricity" - OMD.
3) "Just Can't Get Enough" - Depeche Mode.
4) "Wild Is the Wind" - David Bowie.
5) "Casual Affair" - Tonic.
6) "Abram" - José González.
7) "Hopelessly" - Rick Astley.
8) "Stinkfist" - Tool.
9) "Body and Soul" [12" EP version] - Sisters of Mercy.
10) "Raining In Baltimore" - Counting Crows.
11) "Suffer Well" - Depeche Mode.
12) "Black or White" - Michael Jackson.
13) "What's Your Fantasy?" - Ludacris. [Yes... Ludacris. Shush.]
14) "Disco Inferno" - The Trammps.
15) "Losing My Religion" - R.E.M.
16) "Sunday" [Night Operations Mix] - Exchange.
17) "I Love a Man In Uniform" - Gang of Four.
18) "Like a G-6" [feat. The Cataracts and Dev] - Far East Movement.
19) "Turn To Stone" - Electric Light Orchestra.
20) "Seekers Who Are Lovers" - Cocteau Twins.

So Chicago was fantastic. Absolutely FANTASTIC. I enjoyed staying at my Mom and Stepdad's for the weekend... but 4 days aren't enough. So next year I will be up there for a whole week. I'm already looking forward to it! :-)

One of the big highlights, was visiting not one but TWO Cathedrals over the weekend! Holy Name is the Roman Catholic Cathedral, St. James is the Episcopal Cathedral. Both are absolutely gorgeous. Hopefully we will be able to stop in again when I visit next year.

Meanwhile... last week after I got back from Chicago, I spent a LOT of time with Motoki-chan. Which pretty much pissed off Zokusho-san... yeah. Things got pretty ugly between us. However, I'm not sorry about it... I mean, yes, we broke up, but communication was actually decent until I told him I was visiting Mokoti and he [the ex] basically acted like an ass about it. Which isn't necessarily great because, yes, we were together for 3 years. It *is* a long time. But I am not going to stay with someone who will only continue to hurt me... and if he can't respect me, then I'll find someone who will. As much as I loved him, I love myself more to realise, I should've just been done with him sooner. Of course, I would've hoped to keep talking to him as a friend, but last week when he reared his ugly side around... yeah. So as of last night, I'm done talking to him until he can prove to me he isn't as much of a jerk as he's been. And if that isn't the case, and he really is showing his true colors, then I'm done talking to him for good. I don't need a "friend" whom I can't talk about a damn thing anymore to. Bottom line.

Speaking of Motoki-chan, yes... it might not be true love, but it's a definite "True Like," to quote him. We like each other, we love each other, but we're not in love with each other... does that make sense? I would hope so. It made sense to the both of us!!

We've spent a LOT of time with each other last week. [The perks of having an in-town "True Like": in this case, he's a 40-minute walk from my apartment!] Going for dinner's turned into staying over at his place a handful of times. [And before y'all start, NO we have not done the deed. We are NOT going to rush it. Get those minds out of the gutter, folks.] We don't always get to see each other, but when we can, we make the time. So much more worth the effort.

Best part--he's someone I can be Jenn around. I love it. I thought I could be Jenn around Zokusho-san... nope. Not the same around Motoki-chan. He's someone I can let loose and be ridiculous with... yeah. I need someone like that in my life.

So yeah... that's the latest between Chicago and Motoki-chan...

En route to lunch...
~ me

Chapter 266 ~ Chicago, Day 1

So today I flew out to Chicago by way of Atlanta. Shout-out to Delta Airlines for taking good care of me. And a HUGE thank-you to my brother for taking me to the Airport this morning. It's been a fantastic first day so far.

I miss my dear Motoki, and he misses me too. We spent Wednesday evening AND last night together, with lots of hugs and snugs and kisses. And... and, yeah. *sigh* He's happy for me as I'm up on a much-needed vacation... he's also looking forward to lots more of those hugs, snugs and kisses after I get back!!

*le sigh*
~ me.

Chapter 265 ~ The Pre-Chicago Blogpost.

The Starian Union Random 20 for Thursday 8 August 2013.
+ "I Want You" [original extended 12" version] - Cabaret Voltaire.
+ "So Here We Are" - Bloc Party.
+ "It's The Falling In Love" - Michael Jackson.
+ "A Tattered Line Of String" - The Postal Service.
+ "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.
+ "I Want You" - Savage Garden. [Yes, now STFU.]
+ "Blind Dumb Deaf" [BBC Sessions version] - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Electric Blue" [Steve Thompson US Remix] - Icehouse.
+ "Mercury" - Counting Crows.
+ "Battle Of Who Could Care Less" - Ben Folds Five.
+ "I Would Do Anything For You" - Foster the People.
+ "Celtic Aggression" - Tonic.
+ "Hey Now!" - Oasis.
+ "Locomotion" - Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.
+ "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" - Beastie Boys.
+ "Wonder 'Bout" - Utada.
+ "Mothers Talk" [7" single version] - Tears For Fears.
+ "Positive Tension" [Jason Clark of Pretty Girls Make Graves Remix] - Bloc Party.
+ "Speak No Evil" - Cocteau Twins.
+ "Lullaby" - The Cure.

...yep. Not a bad way to start this post off. I need to get back to doing that!

Now, tomorrow, I'm going to be flying up to Chicago for the weekend. Flying back on Monday. I'm very excited... haven't seen my Mom in, what? Some 5 years maybe? Yeah, this weekend's gonna be awesome. I'm psyched!!

Meanwhile... yeah... things have improved between Motoki and I. Which is good... because, well, yeah. We like each other... we just need time, which is kinda sparse, so we make the time when we can. And that's okay... I can live with it.

And, yeah... I won't even get to talking about work... just, no.

Who's ready for Chi-town? THIS GIRL.
~ me!

Chapter 264 ~ "When I come back down..."

Song of the Day|"Come Back Down" ~ Toad the Wet Sprocket.

*sigh* So yeah... things are quiet between Motoki and I. Although I must admit, I'm a little surprised he's been texting me a few times the past couple of days. However, right now, the way my heart's been hurting... yeah. This isn't a crush. Crushes don't hurt like this--crushes don't leave you feeling like your lungs are filled with deadened lead and your heart unable to calm down so easily.

Yeah. This is definitely *not* a crush. I'm afraid to admit that it's love though... OmG...

There was a student at the Parish School who was killed Friday... so to add to Larry's death... yeah, I'm just a wreck of sorts. Haven't really been able to calm down enough to regain all of me, between the deaths and Motoki. It's been really difficult to think straight the past few days... I don't know... I hate hurting like this but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WON'T GO AWAY.

*sigh* FML.

"Oh God, I'm so damn tired..."
~ me.

Chapter 263 ~ ...now, where was I?

Alright folks... I'm back. And I've got a lot to say. Sit down, buckle up, here we go.

For a start, as of this past June I am *no longer* dating Sprocket--no, actually codename change to Zokusho because someone else has the codename Sprocket and this is one of the good guys. [See? I told y'all a lot happened in the past 2 years!] But anywho, yes, I broke up with Zokusho, for all the right reasons. Long story short: yes, we did have our good times, but he's not worth the anxiety attacks I've suffered in the few months leading up to the break-up. We've since spoken on the phone; however, no, for the record, I am NOT going back with him.

I never thought I'd quote Taylor Swift but "we are never, ever, ever getting back together." Valid point too. Not worth it anymore.

Which brings me to, nope. I am NOT moving to Tampa. Obviously. Zokusho and I tried time and again... in vain. But now with the break-up there really isn't much of a point anymore concerning myself with Tampa. Plus, right now, I am needed here in DeLand... probably moreso now than I realised.

Example A: I am now serving as both Secretary AND Treasurer in my DOK Chapter. Double-duty, yes, but with the help of a couple of fellow Daughters my task isn't as difficult as it looks. Yes it can be stressful, but I have been faring well with it so far. Next month is the Diocesan Fall Assembly and this year my parish is hosting it. LOTS of preparing to do.

Speaking of, we have a new Assistant Rector--Fr. Comforted Keen, who just retired a few months ago from serving as Rector of Church of the Holy Child in Ormond Beach. He was the Priest who was at my first DOK gathering some 3 or 4 years ago--and he was at my Cursillo last year. I told him then that I remembered him from that DOK meeting, and he thought it was wonderful that I remembered him. Now he's going to be my Assistant Priest and really, I'm rather thrilled. He's a great preacher and a wonderful human being. These next three years will be interesting... bring 'em on.

So, anyone remember Jason from the Antics? Yeah. So, we dated maybe once some 3 years ago, before I started dating Zokusho. And to think I had the giggles for him... uhm...

WTF was I thinking?

...oh, right. I probably wasn't.

Anywho, yes, we're friends now. But we don't really hang out much, mostly we just text and talk on the phone from time to time. I'll give him credit though--he *has* stopped me once from doing something stupid to myself. Thankfully.

Which leads me to a few suicide-related matters, the first being that I did attempt suicide a 2nd time this past November. No, I'm not proud of it, but I would rather bring the issue to light than to sweep it under the rug like society tends to do. I'm sorry, but if you can talk to your kids about sex and drugs, then it should be more than acceptable to talk to your kids about suicide. Unfortunately society has conditioned us to not address suicide, let alone mental illness--which prompts me basically to give society the proverbial middle finger, by talking about it, addressing these things.

"Oh, it'll never happen to me." I call bullsh*t. If little Miss Happy Me attempted suicide twice, sure as *censored* it can happen to anybody. It needs to be addressed.

Secondly, I now help as a volunteer of sorts in the Survivors of Suicide group at my church. Been attending since February, and I wish I had the time allowed me to do that much sooner. Better late than never though--my friend Laura facilitates these meetings, which are twice a month. Sometimes it'll be just us two, sometimes there'll be another person with us. Worth attending these meetings... for real.

And... well... yes... there kinda-sorta *is* someone I am talking to. But things aren't necessarily great between him and I... we're working on it. I have no idea how long this is gonna take, but I believe it'll be worth the work and the wait. Because, we do like each other... but of course, as I unfortunately end up stuck in, it's a case of the "great person, not-so-great timing." Which I hate but... *sigh* ah well.

And lastly, at it was some 5 years ago, Death's been making his rounds. Except, it's worse than it was when I was approaching 25... and I'll be 30 in some 2 months! I have been to 7 funerals since Christmas Eve [yes, you Citizens read that proper], and just yesterday my good buddy Larry died from cancer and pneumonia. Last time I was hit with news this devastating, it was Christmas Eve when my fellow Chorister Marcia passed away. This is worse however, as Larry was my very first friend at St. Barnabas and... well... yeah. Between that and Motoki-chan breaking my heart yesterday, really I'm just a wreck right now. There isn't very much I can do about all of this unfortunately... the most I can do right now, is cry, and hang in there.

I'm sure there's probably more to update on, but I'm honestly exhausted from today and the past two days. And really, all I want to do is just go home, cry and sleep. And sleep. And sleep some more. And cry. And...

--yeah, I think y'all get the idea.

Wishing there was a "Redo" button...
~ me.

A Preview to Chapter 263 and a Reboot...

So... to make the long story short, this blog needs an overdue update of sorts. There's been a whole lot that's happened in the two years since I last blogged and really, right now, I'm a walking wreck waiting to happen.

All that said, this is just a preview of the reboot and a much-overdue update. And this time, I've got a whole damn lot to say.

Be ready...

~ me

Chapter 262|Things that should've been said...

Okay... I think it's time for a muchly-overdue venting of sorts.

I think I have fallen back into a time of my life when, things just aren't so wonderful. Yeah, I know, one of y'all is probably about to say, "Geez, Jenn, not this s#!t again" but before you open your mouth and say stuff, hear me out. Please. Because this is a bit more serious than you think, and perhaps about time these things that I'm about to say are said.

First and foremost, losing both a friend and a family member in the course of two weeks, sucks. Only NOW is when the fact that I miss my Great-Uncle Ed, has been hitting me. Been this way since Saturday, when the family had his memorial service. I have in my apartment the prayer shawl I'd gotten for him the Sunday before he died... which was Sunday 2 October. Monday 3 October, the parents [Dad and Stepmom] delivered it to him, as they'd been visiting him everyday since he'd fallen terminally ill. Tuesday 4 October was my birthday--Uncle Ed died the next day with the shawl on him. After the service this past Saturday, Grandma Sharon gave the shawl to me, and the family was thankful for the shawl. But I miss him tremendously, and have cried a bit about it since.

Besides Uncle Ed's passing, inside... well... my spiritual winter has arrived a few days early. Usually the month of November is when my darkest of moods tends to hit but, this past week [and month for that matter] has decided otherwise. It's been a while since I'd felt this low but, it's not the first time I've felt like this and [unfortunately] it won't be the last.

Right now, inside, I feel very insignificant. It's not one of those passing moods when a LOT of people can get away with telling me to "snap out of it"--trust me, VERY FEW PEOPLE get away with that saying. And honestly, sometimes, I just want to smack those that should -not- be telling me to just "snap out of it." That's the thing--I CAN'T. I F#%KING CAN'T. I fight with depression every single day of my life. Been fighting it for some 12 years now, and it's a helluva fight, I can tell you this much. I can't just "snap out of it"--it doesn't always happen that way.

Part of this despairing--and this note goes to my fellow Frostwind typists out there--is because someone's had issues with me for a good while now and, I guess, hasn't let go of them. I don't like having to work so hard for so long just to make things right with someone--and mind you, I'm the kind of person that forgives and moves on for the most part. But knowing that this person won't even acknowledge a SINGLE MESSAGE IN KINDNESS that I'd sent her, makes me feel less of a person, and I die a little inside each time I check to find there's no reply from her whatsoever in my forum inbox. And it hurts but, it's not like this person gives a damn about it. And the only few typists that DO speak with me, they don't even know this until now. So yes, this is another something that's been eating me up inside, but that I've kept silent all the while. And no matter how many times I apologise to this person, I feel as if it will never do a single thing. That it will never be enough, or that it will not change this person's mind or issues with me. And sadly, this has taken a serious toll on my wanting to write, as well as my wanting to jump into storylines with said typist. So that's another piece of this depression puzzle that's getting to me.

Roleplay typing dilemma aside, right now on the inside, I feel like the most insignificant person in the world. Like everyone's doing so much better than me, and that no matter how up I try to be there is always something shoving me back into the reality that, things on my end will NOT get better. I have to force myself to smile for the world and tell them "Eh, I'm fine" more than I would like to admit. And it doesn't help me any when there are people who tell me they'll be there for me, but when I need them to hear me out they're too busy and don't have time. So on the inside... I am insignificant, isolated AND pretty much helpless. And I really don't have anything to look forward to anymore these days. I'm NOT looking forward to Christmas Lessons + Carols on Sunday 18 December because, no matter how big a deal I make of it, those that I invite [and not just to that but to EVERY Church-Choir-related something] don't come. I'm not asked to hang out with anyone more often than not. And it all comes down to me just being the... well... the outsider. I know I have coworkers and maybe a manager or two at work, say something about me behind my back--all of the simple fact that I am strange. I AM AN ABSOLUTELY ODDITY AND PEOPLE JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. Yes, I'm strange, but it doesn't help that I am the only strange human being in this bloody small town, let alone my circle of friends. And when I do try to get excited or happy over something, I don't really have anyone to relate to about it because, more often than not, it's just out of their league.

Inside, there's a piece of me that hates myself so much, for being so damned different, that it makes me want to just rip myself apart. And this is a BIG reason why I don't like using actual kitchen knives [or own an Exact-o knife]--it's because I am more than capable of harming myself. No, seriously. There are scars on my hands and left arm that go back a few years because of my self-spite--including one on my left arm that goes back 12 years. Freshman year of high school, when it all began. The most recent of the wounds was back in June, and there are scars that are still there. Sometimes I'll just run my nails down my arm, behind everyone's back at work, when the day is far too difficult over the course of the day and in the end it feels as if everyone's angry at me for God only knows what, even when it's my fault. [To my coworkers, yeah, who knew?]

This is the painful, disturbing reality that I live with every single day. It's a constant battle just to keep some sort of inner light burning even while the storm's about to extinguish it by whatever means needed. I am my own worst critic, and in my own eyes I feel as if I can't do a damn thing right or that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But all I do is try, and keep going--albeit reluctantly sometimes. There's a saying that goes "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice" and, perhaps, that's been how I've always been. I don't know. Maybe I haven't entirely a clue anymore--because, perhaps, I just never really was 'important' anyway. Perhaps that's just how bitter and hurt I am feeling right now. Because there will always be someone better than me, and I guess that's just what-all I am used to as well.

Please understand--this is NOT A SUICIDE LETTER. Far from it but still in all seriousness. This is whatever's left of me that's whispering what should've been a cry for help, for someone to just hear me the hell out. Only, I feel like it just gets ignored, or perhaps I really have done a damn-good job convincing the world that all's well when, really, "I was only dreaming" as one OMD song goes. And maybe, for now, I am just done pretending that everything's fine. I have no idea anymore, but I do know that, this is the most sense I've made to myself in a very long time. Possibly ever. I don't know about you guys though but, this is how I am feeling, and probably how I will be feeling as this inner 'spiritual winter' that is November rolls by.

"I was only dreaming
I was only trying to catch your eye
I was only wishing you would notice me..."

~ me.

Chapter 261|A bit of an update... and, OMG!! OMD!!

...yeah, yeah. I know. I haven't posted all damn year. STFU and let me get a quick update in.

For one, yes, Zokusho and I are still together. I need not say more on that!!

Meanwhile, it's People Week at work. It's also the start of remodeling at my store, so it's been a very, VERY hectic Monday so far.

Unfortunately, I no longer have wifi at the apartment. So every now and then, when I feel like the back could use a couple of extra pounds on it, I take the laptop either to the Bistro or to work to use the wifi there. Yeah, I know, it kinda sucks, or else I'd use it more. However, for the most part I can be found on Facebook with the mobile phone, and that's been how my latest updates got sent out to all the world. Yay. LOL!

And, one last thing--if you are a synth-pop fan... if you get the chance to, add "Go see OMD live in concert" to your bucket list. This past Saturday night I caught them live for the first time, ever--and they. f#%king. RULE!!! They were nothing short of awesome, and not a single weak song in the set list. They played the absolute classics like "Enola Gay," "If You Leave," "So In Love," "Tesla Girls," "Dreaming" and my favorite, "Maid of Orleans." They played "Secret" live for the first time in 23 years. And the final encore was "Electricity!" Andy McCluskey was practically ELECTRIFYING on stage--he kept the crowd going all the way through! [And for someone at 52, he is just ACE!!]

In all actuality, the band was just incredible live. Got it all tight and all that good stuff. Didn't miss a beat or anything. And Andy!? He went and got close to the crowd front and center! He even wiped some sweat off on some OMD T-shirts the fans handed to him... I guess it must be an OMD-fan thing. Never seen that stuff before until Saturday night. But I thought it was pretty freggin' cool--and then, it was my turn!

See, what-all happened was that, Friday afternoon/evening I decorated a white tank-top and handkerchief. The tank-top says "Joan of Arc still has a Heart!" and the handkerchief has a red-outlined, blue-filled fleur-de-lis on it. The handkerchief was meant to be symbolic of Joan of Arc's banner--and obviously, I did both of them for "Maid of Orleans."

Sooo, back to this. I don't know which song it was but, at one point during the song Andy was close enough that I extended the handkerchief out to him and... [here comes my squee moment] he took it and wiped some sweat on it, held it to his heart while crooning at me no less, and handed it back.

*ahem*

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!*

...uhm, yeah. I was a speechless, awestruck, but very happy fan. But, HEY! it gets better!!

No, seriously. It does.

So Zokusho-chan and I--yes, Zokusho and I went to the show!--were still somewhere in Cloud 12 after the gig, and overhearing a fan give a note on where to find the tour bus, we went to complete the last-minute second half of Operation OMD and that, was to find the tour bus! He, I, and a small handful [like, some 30 or 40 of us out of the whole damn venueful!] got to the tour bus and met Andy and Paul, the nucleus of OMD themselves. I kid you not when I say, these two gentlemen are by far the most down-to-earth lads you could ever come across! Stupendously delightful to be around!! And they even signed my and Zokusho's tickets, as well as my handkerchief! [Next blogpost, I promise it'll be sooner--and there WILL be a picture of my ticket and handkerchief posted!!]

And, Andy was nothing short of wonderful to smile for a picture! [Big THANK YOU!!! to Zokusho-chan for this...]


Needless to say, I am still in *squee!*-mode about it. It just doesn't get any better than this. And as my friend Maura noted, "Not every day you get to meet a synth-pop legend!" I can gladly agree and attest to that--and I'm sure Zokusho-chan can too!!

So in love with my new favorite band... *sigh*
~ me

Chapter 2010|FINAL

So I'm sitting here in the Crew Room at work right now, typing out what is the final Chapter of the Underground blog for 2010... and really, it's been a helluva year. I mean, thank God it's pretty much just 'bout over but, you know, it wasn't an easy year. Of course, I had my heart dented a few times, and each time I came out a bit stronger. I've lost friends AND family this year due to death, been to a handful of funerals, worked a whole lot of hours, and had a rather... erm... awkward vacation. [Yes, all the drama minus work... wow.] I have had my heart broken, and had to break hearts as well. And then there came Zokusho-chan!! [Yes, Sprocket's got a more fitting codename here on the blog. It's his Starian name. Those of y'all who know, know. Uh-huh.]

Sooo, that all having been said, let's get down to a rather crazy recapping of 2010--Trans-Underground Express style!!

First and foremost... to those who have passed on this year...
+ Grams [Great-grandma|Stepmom's side of the family]
+ Aunt Jackie [Great-Auntie Jackie|Stepmom's side of the family, Grandma Sharon's sister]
+ Lee [Jeanne's Mom|Jeanne - fellow DOK]
+ Ruthie [Gretchen's Mom|Gretchen - fellow DOK]
+ Grandpa Jim's Sister [i don't know her name unfortunately but, she is still family]
+ Janet [the blind lady whom Terry and Steffi from the Choir brought to and from Church for the past four years--she was like a Nana to me]
+ James [Seiya's Dad]
+ Jean [whom I had been praying for some time; she was on my personal prayer roster]
...may their souls and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. + Amen.

There, that done... time to really, REALLY recap the year. This is gonna get a bit, erm, discombobulated... here we go...

+ J a n u a r y |...wait, who the heck was I seeing again? Oh, right. Hideki. Huh. Meanwhile, 2010 began, new crew in and old crew out. And... OMFG!!! IT SNOWED IN FLORIDA!!!!

...uhm, yep. 'Cause I walked to work that morning and saw it all go down from the Drive-Thru. Uh-huh. Yes, it snowed in Florida... pigs won't need an aviation license now. Our days are numbered.

+ F e b r u a r y |Valentine's day... spent alone. [Am I surprised? Of course not!!] And speaking of Valentine's Day--which fell on a Sunday this year, yes... I finally 'fessed up to Yukita that I have a crush on him. Probably the craziest thing I've done all year, but one of the best things too. Those who know how I am with him by now, yeah... y'all know. He'll always be my buddy!! ^-^

+ M a r c h |All hail the kick-butt Saint Patrick, huzzah!!! [Irish pride, show respect!] Meanwhile things were at the rather quiet stalemate between Hideki and I. [And did I mention that he kinda forgot Valentine's day? ...never mind, he's fixing to be out of the picture for months.] And I got to 'meet' by Great-Auntie Cathie, who's my Grandpa Robert's sister! Definitely a day that my Orange-and-Green Irish blood shone the most this year!!

+ A p r i l |...what DID happen in April? *checks the blog archives*

...oh. Right. Hideki's infamous "Hey, stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more" text. And we all know the crap that went down after that.

OH! and I fell sick for the first time all year. Don't worry, that wasn't the first time either...

+ M a y |Ooooh, boy oh boy was it an interesting one this year. Final month for the Choral Year '09-'10, and a bittersweet one at that, because it was Yukita's final month as Choirmaster before going on his sabbatical. Though, thankfully, we have since kept in touch [thank God!], but... well... it hasn't been the same. But we already kinda knew that, didn't we?

Oh and, my dear Italian "Nana" Janet, who was around maybe 80, sharp as a tack, legally blind and yet the sweetest woman in the world... died. As if my little world hadn't fallen apart... but not everyone saw the tears. Those that know... know.

+ J u n e |Well... two things to kick off this past June. One, Janet's funeral. And two, I fell sick... AGAIN. Whatever kicked me in the head the first time around in April, came around a second time to REALLY lay the smack'down on me again. Ugh... that was anything but fun, folks. [And those of y'all who know how I am when I'm under the weather... uhm... yeah... you know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around (but then again, who isn't when they've fallen sick).] Halfway through the month I survived what was the most screwed-up first date ever; and then [on a dating site of all things] I got this message around the end of the month by a particular person who would soon "awaken" as Zokusho-chan...

[Hey, he's addressed me as Setsuna from the very beginning. Who'd have thought that it would be the beginning?]

+ J u l y |My oh my... let's just say, enter Zokusho. Oh, and the World Cup, Kids Night on a slow summer lull [BORING!], and a handful of friends that I hadn't seen in four years. Boy what a July this was!!

+ A u g u s t |VAAAAACATIIIOOONNNN!!!!!

...pfft. What vacation? Vacation this year was spent stuck in town, and with all the drama that could've ensued, minus work. So I can't really count this year's week off as a vacation... *sigh* Sorry folks, I just can't. On a lighter note, I did get to visit St. Augustine for the first time--THAT, was awesome!!! [Don't believe me? Ask Zokusho--he went with me!]

Oh and, Great-Auntie Jackie died... my heart broke.

+ S e p t e m b e r |T minus one month to turning 27, and much went down. New Choral Year--first one with the new Choirmaster. DOK Fall Assembly at the Cathedral [OH SNAP!!! I still have pics to send over, dang nabbit... wow, did I remember this NOW or what!?], first Evensong of the Year, and Zokusho meets my family!!

And yes, everyone got along... LOL!!

+ O c t o b e r |I turned 2-freckin'-7... wow... and the night before that, Zokusho and I exchanged the dreaded [but still quaint anyway] three-worded sentence. [Hey, y'all know what I'm talking about...] And then Siren started talking crap again... if you can remember Chapter 254, you already know. And Halloween, which was spent being a Sailor Senshi for the first time since I became a fan of 'Sailor Moon' 13 years back. Really, the best Halloween EVER.

Better yet, the best Halloween party ever, which went down the weekend before Halloween!!! [Zokusho-chan, you know what-all I'm talking about!!!]

+ N o v e m b e r |Not only did the cold weather start around November, but this month was also the epic National Novel Writing Month... also known as NaNoWriMo! And this year, I participated for the first time as a Wrimo [that's the term for 'Writer']. It's an annual thing... this year was the 11th year; the goal of NaNoWriMo is 50,000+ words in 30 days. I reached my goal and then some by the early morning of Thursday 25 November--which, by the way, was Thanksgiving day this year. And THAT, brought about another little surprise which will only go by one word... Someday.

+ D e c e m b e r |Hanukkah, Yule and Christmas--OH MY!!! Not to mention cold as heck too, for the most part--it's really been feeling like winter this year! [There have been days that I go in some ten freckin' layers... OMG...] I also celebrated my first Yule too--which is a Pagan holiday; basically, Yule is the Winter Solstice. [And yes, Zokusho is a Pagan... let the religious education begin before anyone starts judging, folks! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!] This year, Yule kicked off with a Lunar Eclipse AND a minor meteor shower, which Zokusho and I both got to watch. And then there came Christmas last weekend, with the best Christmas that I can say, I ever had.

And now... something I haven't done in a very long time... it's the OFFICIAL return of, The Starian Union Radio Random 20!!!

+ 1 |"Love Song" / Simple Minds
+ 2 |"Masoko Tanga" / The Police
+ 3 |"Price of Gas" / Bloc Party
+ 4 |"Hitherto" / Cocteau Twins
+ 5 |"Why Me" / Flesh For Lulu
+ 6 |"4 Page Letter" / Aaliyah
+ 7 |"E-Bow the Letter" / R.E.M.
+ 8 |"Link" / [KISS Mix] / L'Arc~en~Ciel
+ 9 |"Wax and Wane" / [BBC Session] / Cocteau Twins
+ 1 0 |"No Love Lost" / Joy Division
+ 1 1 |"Home" / [acoustic version] / The Goo Goo Dolls
+ 1 2 |"Frosty the Snowman" / Cocteau Twins
+ 1 3 |"Cool for Cats" / Squeeze
+ 1 4 |"New York" / [Dance Floor Cut] / Microchip League
+ 1 5 |"Genetic Engineering" / Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark
+ 1 6 |"Street Thing" / Aaliyah
+ 1 7 |"Daysleeper" / R.E.M.
+ 1 8 |"Soul Meets Body" / Death Cab For Cutie
+ 1 9 |"forbidden lover" / L'arc~en~Ciel
+ 2 0 |"She's Lost Control" / [Peel Session] / Joy Division

ALRIGHT! that done... well... I think that's about it for the year... wow. I can't believe 2010 has come and gone but, I'm glad it worked for the best in the end. I'm thankful that I made it through another year really. Now I have to brace myself for 2011... this is going to be a very interesting year ahead, filled with many a possibility and adventure, mishap and mayhem. I can't wait for the New Year to come around, and for this one to be done and over with!!!

Sooo, from my end of the Underground to yours, may this New Year be better than the Old Year that's about to end in... well, in my case, less than seven hours. Though, depending on where you are, it's probably already 2011 where you're at. In any case, and in any form, be safe and well, one and all.

Much love from the Trans-Underground Express... HAPPY 2011!!!

For the sake of auld lang syne...
~ me

Chapter 260 ~ Love, part III

+ "Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

+ "If you listen to the wind very carefully, you'll be able to hear me whisper my love for you."
— Andrew Davidson

+ "The only way you can conquer me is through love and there I am gladly conquered"
— Krishna

+ "Love? It's when you don't give a thought to all the ifs and want-to's in the world. It's when if all the fires of hell were between you, you'd walk in them gladly to be with him, and sing with joy at your own burnin' if only his kiss was on your mouth."
— Stephanie Kallos (Broken for You)

+ "Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down. "
— Drew Barrymore

+ "Love binds, and it binds forever. Good binds while evil unravels. Separation is another word for evil; it is also another word for deceit."
— Michel Houellebecq (The Elementary Particles)

+ "Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. "
— Samuel Johnson

+ "I have dreamed of our bed as if it were a shore where we would be washed up, not this striped mattress we must cover with sheets."
— Linda Pastan (The Imperfect Paradise: Poems)

+ "If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her---then don't let her go."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

+ "I will never hurt you.
I will always help you.
If you are hungry
Ill give you my food.
If you are frightened
I am your friend.
I love you now.
And love does not end."
— Orson Scott Card (Songmaster)

+ "The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."
— Oscar Wilde

+ "Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable."
— Henry Ward Beecher

+ "I basked in you;
I loved you, helplessly, with a boundless tongue-tied love.
And death doesn't prevent me from loving you.
Besides,
in my opinion you aren't dead.
(I know dead people, and you are not dead.)"
— Franz Wright (Walking to Martha's Vineyard)

+ "And you,
You can be mean
And I,
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers,
And that is a fact
Yes we're lovers,
And that is that"
— David Bowie

+ "They say what doesn't kill the soul will make you stronger, but you can't be a stone-hearted man."
— Anthony Green

+ "I am wholly yours - you are everything to me; we will sustain each other in all the ills of life it may please fate to inflict upon us; you will soothe my troubles; I will comfort you in yours."
— Denis Diderot

+ "But you cant shut everyone out. I mean you have to have someone to love. . .someone to hold on to. . . someone--"
— Hubert Selby Jr. (Requiem for a Dream)

+ "Love not often, but forever."
— Joanne Harris (Holy Fools)

+ "I told you. You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song only your heart can understand."
— L.J. Smith

+ "The way you're singing in your sleep
The way you look before you leap
The strange illusions that you keep
You don't know
But I'm noticing

The way your touch turns into arcs
The way you slide into the dark
The beating of my open heart
You don't know
But I'm noticing"
— David Levithan (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist)

+ "Let this hell be our heaven."
— Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come)

+ "I will love you always. When this...hair is white, I will still love you. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, I will still want to touch your skin. When your face is full of lines of every smile you have ever smiled, of every surprise I have seen flash through your eyes, when every tear you have cried has left its mark upon your face, I will treasure you all the more, because I was there to see it all. I will share your life with you..., and I will love you until the last breath leaves your body or mine."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (A Lick of Frost)

+ "Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair."
— Andrew Solomon (The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression)

Chapter 259 ~ Love, part II

+ "Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

+ "A kiss on the beach when there is a full moon is the closest thing to heaven."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

+ "Love weaves itself from hundreds of threads."
— David Levithan

+ "That I shall love always,
I argue thee
that love is life,
and life hath immortality"
— Emily Dickinson

+ "You are, and always have been, my dream."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

+ "Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

+ "Love is not finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without."
— Rafael Ortiz

+ "If I know what love is, it is because of you."
— Hermann Hesse

+ "I love you because no two snowflakes are alike, and it is possible, if you stand tippy-toe, to walk between the raindrops. "
— Nikki Giovanni

+ "love is what moves the world, I've always thought...it is the only thing which allows men and women to stand in a world where gravity always seems to want to pull them down...bring them low...and make them crawl..."
— Stephen King

+ "Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood, and you're the one I need"
— Johnny Cash

+ "Love is eternal while it lasts."
— Vinicius da Moraes

+ "I think we ought to live happily ever after."
— Diana Wynne Jones (Howl's Moving Castle)

+ "love is thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive."
— Dalai Lama XIV

+ "I think Heaven will be like a first kiss."
— Sarah Addison Allen (The Sugar Queen)

+ "This is the true measure of love, When we believe that we alone can love, That no one could ever have loved so before us, And that no one will ever love in the same way after us."
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

+ "A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it - A song's not a song 'til you sing it - Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'til you give it away!"
— Oscar Hammerstein II

+ "Love me, beloved; Hades and Death
Shall vanish away like a frosty breath;
These hands, that now are at home in thine,
Shall clasp thee again, if thou art still mine;
And thou shalt be mine, my spirit's bride,
In the ceaseless flow of eternity's tide,
If the truest love thy heart can know
Meet the truest love that from mine can flow.
Pray God, beloved, for thee and me,
That our sourls may be wedded eternally."
— George MacDonald (The Diary of an Old soul)

+ "To measure the man, measure his heart."
— Malcolm Forbes

+ "Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee,
And thou art enough."
— G. Moore

+ "Love is the passionate dance between two hearts. It is to believe in the dream, and together make it real."
— Sylvana Rossetti

+ "Love is not blind; it simply allows us to see the beauty in everything."
— Michelle D. Pierce

+ "I ask the impossible: love me forever.
Love me when all desire is gone.
Love me with the single mindedness of a monk.
When the world in its entirety,
and all that you hold sacred advise you
against it: love me still more.
When rage fills you and has no name: love me.
When each step from your door to our job tires you--
love me; and from job to home again, love me, love me.
Love me when you're bored--
when every woman you see is more beautiful than the last,
or more pathetic, love me as you always have:
not as admirer or judge, but with
the compassion you save for yourself
in your solitude.
Love me as you relish your loneliness,
the anticipation of your death,
mysteries of the flesh, as it tears and mends.
Love me as your most treasured childhood memory--
and if there is none to recall--
imagine one, place me there with you.
Love me withered as you loved me new.
Love me as if I were forever--
and I, will make the impossible
a simple act,
by loving you, loving you as I do"
— Ana Castillo (I Ask the Impossible: Poems)

+ "Have you ever loved someone so much that when you drew a breath you knew it was his?"
— Barbara Boyer (Courage of Fear)

+ "since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Missing someone, they say, is self-centered.
I self-center you more than ever."
— Saša Stanišić

+ "It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death."
— Thomas Mann (The Magic Mountain)

+ "He knew her, and she knew him. He had no idea if the images he saw came from past or future, or both, but he knew her. Their souls were bound, had always been bound, and always would be. They were two with one soul between them, perfectly joined, perfectly fitted."
— Ann Marston (The Western King)

+ "Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought."
— Pearl S. Buck

+ "Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart!"
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)

+ "All hopes of eternity and all gain from the past he would have given to have her there, to be wrapped warm with him in one blanket, and sleep, only sleep. It seemed the sleep with the woman in his arms was the only necessity."
— D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterley's Lover)

+ "They dined on mince, and slices of quince
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon."
— Edward Lear (The Owl and the Pussycat)

+ "I love you more than there are stars in the sky and fish in the sea."
— Nicholas Sparks

+ "Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

+ "love is a hawk with velvet claws
love is a rock with heart and veins
love is a lion with satin jaws
love is a storm with silken reins"
— Kurt Vonnegut

+ "When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."
— Mitch Albom (For One More Day)

+ "I want you to be weak. As weak as I am."
— Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

+ "The sorrow of losing what we love is nothing to the torment of having it present but denied us."
— Martin Boyd (A Difficult Young Man)

+ "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
— Gabriel García Márquez (One Hundred Years of Solitude)

+ "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
— Dalai Lama XIV

+ "Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair."
— William Blake (Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience)

+ "The sunlight claps the earth, and the moonbeams kiss the sea: what are all these kissings worth, if thou kiss not me?"
— Percy Bysshe Shelley

+ "What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?"
— George Eliot

+ "I'm yours for ever--for ever and ever. Here I stand; I'm as firm as a rock. If you'll only trust me, how little you'll be disappointed. Be mine as I am yours."
— Henry James (The Portrait of a Lady)

+ "This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there's no need at all to understand what's happening, because everything happens within you."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

+ "Lovers alone wear sunlight."
— E.E. Cummings

+ "We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end."
— Benjamin Disraeli

+ "Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear."
— John Lennon

+ "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)"
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Sonnets from the Portuguese: A Celebration of Love)

+ "I would have fallen in love with you anywhere."
— Susan Minot

+ "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
— Emily Brontë

+ "Which is why we say 'I can't live without you' meaning 'your life gives life to me, who am otherwise an empty vessel, nameless'."
— Joyce Carol Oates (Faithless)

+ "You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

+ "I say love,
it knows no season.
It haunts the soul
eternally."
— Dwight Yoakam

+
"There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love."
— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler's Wife)

+ "If you love and get hurt, love more.

If you love more and hurt more, love even more.

If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more..."
— William Shakespeare

+ "Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star..."
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Love, whether newly born or aroused from a deathlike slumber, must always create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, that it overflows upon the outward world."
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)

+ "It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it. And even more courage to see it in the one you love"
— Oscar Wilde (An Ideal Husband)

Chapter 258 ~ Love, part I

These next Chapters is a series of quotes on, well, the greatest force in the world--love.

+ "Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's beautiful."
— Milan Kundera

+ "Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold."
— Zelda Fitzgerald

+ "What Is Love? I have met in the streets a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, the water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul"
— Victor Hugo

+ "You can't measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange."
— Milan Kundera

+ "Let me die the moment my love dies.
Let me not outlive my own capacity to love.
Let me die still loving, and so, never die."
— Mary Zimmerman (Metamorphoses: A Play)

+ "The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love."
— William Somerset Maugham

+ "Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night."
— Matthew Arnold (Dover Beach and Other Poems)

+ "Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?"
— Christopher Brennan

+ "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
— Mother Teresa

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

+ "It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

+ "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.
(Translation: The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.)"
— Blaise Pascal (Pascal's Pensees)

+ "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."
— Emily Dickinson

+ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
— Mother Teresa

+ "to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again."
— Ellen Bass

+ "Love is a better master than duty."
— Albert Einstein

+ "I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?"
— Mother Teresa

+ "When you know my love, my love will warm you."
— Ruby Dee

+ "Amor, ch'al cor gentile ratto s'apprende
prese costui de la bella persona
che mi fu tolta; e 'l modo ancor m'offende.

Amor, che a nullo amato amar perdona,
Mi prese del costui piacer sì forte,
Che, come vedi, ancor non m'abbandona..."

"Love, which quickly arrests the gentle heart,
Seized him with my beautiful form
That was taken from me, in a manner which still grieves me.

Love, which pardons no beloved from loving,
took me so strongly with delight in him
That, as you see, it still abandons me not..."
— Dante (Inferno)

+ "Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and men below, and the saints above, for love is heaven, and heaven is love. "
— Walter Scott

+ "You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth."
— William W. Purkey

+ "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

+ "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."
— Pablo Neruda (100 Love Sonnets/Cien Sonetos De Amor)

+ "Who, being loved, is poor?"
— Oscar Wilde

+ "Where there is great love, there are always miracles."
— Willa Cather

+ "Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet."
— Plato

+ "Te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
(I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.)"
— Pablo Neruda

+ "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Let us begin this letter, this prelude to an encounter, formally, as a declaration, in the old-fashioned way: I love you. You do not know me (although you have seen me, smiled at me). I know you (although not so well as I would like. I want to be there when your eyes flutter open in the morning, and you see me, and you smile. Surely this would be paradise enough?). So I do declare myself to you now, with pen set to paper. I declare it again: I love you."
— Neil Gaiman

+ "Two minds with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."
— Jasper Fforde (First Among Sequels)

+ "I have been astonished that men could die martyrs
for their religion--
I have shuddered at it,
I shudder no more.
I could be martyred for my religion.
Love is my religion
and I could die for that.
I could die for you."
— John Keats

+ "We loved with a love that was more than love."
— Edgar Allan Poe

+ "If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever."
— Alfred Lord Tennyson

+ "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)"
— Anonymous

+ "The future for me is already a thing of the past -
You were my first love and you will be my last"
— Bob Dylan (Bob Dylan: Love And Theft)

+ "When the power of love over overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
— Jimmy Hendrix

+ "Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
— Karl A. Menninger

+ "Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull."
— H.L. Mencken

+ "When love has fused and mingled two beings in a sacred and angelic unity, the secret of life has been discovered so far as they are concerned; they are no longer anything more than the two boundaries of the same destiny; they are no longer anything but the two wings of the same spirit. Love, soar."
— Victor Hugo (Les Misérables)

+ "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
— Dr. Seuss

+ "To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world."
— Bill Wilson

Chapter 257 ~ Defeated

I am so fed up sometimes. Or, sometimes, I can be so fed up. And today, right now, it's to the point of tears. What else remains, but to cry?

Right now, I am just annoyed by the long day I've had. Who knew that the world could be so damn cruel and painful sometimes? Sure, it's beautiful, and I love it because of the people I know and love very much. But there are days like today, in which all I can do is just tell the world to just go to hell, leave me alone and let me cry--and even I can't do THAT!

I don't know... I wish it was so damn easy to do that. But... it's not... and I can't.

You know what? Yes, I'm strange. Yes, I have blue hair with turquoise highlights. Yes, I am a punk girl with a touch of classical music in my veins. Yes, I can be and usually am the strangest, most unusual person you may have ever met or come to know. Yes, I am a girl that has to deal with the pressures and bulls#!t of modern society which is telling me to be this, that, and the other way. Yes, I don't believe that I should have to conform to society by their terms. Yes, I have to deal with people who are ignorant, stupid and obvously can't listen to me no matter how many times I have to explain myself.

So then... why... why? Why can't people just stop being so... so...

Oh hell, I don't even know anymore.

Today, I am fed up with the world. And I am going to go cry myself to sleep--the world is not worthy to see me cry, nor does it deserve to partake in my tears.

Given up for the day...

~ me

Chapter 256 ~ Time Won't Give Me Time

Today, well... I feel a lot better than I was last Thursday. After purging Siren out of my existence [or as much of it for that matter], now... well, now I'm preparing for a few things going on within this and next week. There is quite a bit going on... I think I know where to start. So bear with me as I recap 'em like it was nothing.

First and foremost, this week my DOK chapter starts a new meeting time at 6 P.M. This is actually a good thing for me because, since I've been opening lately on Fridays, that means I don't have to rush with dinner and getting ready for bedtime. So the new time, 6-7 P.M., goes into effect this Thursday--this was decided and noted at last Thursday's meeting.

Secondly, and speaking of work, my work schedule's back to normal after a rather insane, outrageous workweek last week. And those of y'all who read the blog know of one rather nasty situation that got my blood boiling--actually, two. One of them was concerning Siren; the other was concerning one of my own drive-thru regulars. Last Thursday I dyed my hair turquoise [but it came more like a teal than turquoise--need more blue]; the next day [Friday] said regular looks at me and decides to run his mouth. Now mind, he's one of those old folks that think they can say anything trying to be funny and end up really, REALLY lame--he's also one of those regulars that have ruffled my feathers in a not-so-good way [this wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last either]. So, he opens his mouth last Friday and what does he say?

"...your hair's molding! If you wash it with shampoo it'll help with getting it out!"

OOH! did my blood boil. WOW.

So I haven't been speaking to him since that all went down. I know I shouldn't be upset over it and yet, I am. Because if you're gonna look at me and just blatantly insult my hair like that, then of course I'm going to give you a dirty look and keep my own mouth shut. I am better off not saying anything to this guy than to just get myself in trouble for being an outspoken punk rock girl. And no, he hasn't apologised, at least not yet anyway. But still... yes, I guess y'all can say that, I've no patience for him right now. I know I need to work on it but, for now... yeah...

Thirdly, I am very excited for Halloween! Yes, I know, it falls on a Sunday this year but, I've got three Halloween festivities to look forward to. The first is Sprocket's friend Terra's party this Saturday [yay!]. Then it's the day BEFORE Halloween, because I get to do the partial dress-up at work--work uniform, plus my Mercury tiara, earrings, back bow to use as front bow with the brooch, choker, and MAYBE gloves. Then Sprocket and I have ANOTHER Halloween party that night. Halloween it's Trunk-or-Treat at Church [which I'm thinking of making an appearance with Sprocket]. And Halloween this year is on a Sunday sooo... yeah. Hence, a LOT of partying. But, I think it'll be a lot of fun. I'm very excited--thinking of taking a good amount of pictures too.

And it is on this memo, that I must end my train of thought for now. I have to be at work in an hour and I haven't jumped in the shower yet sooo, yeah. Time to get going on that note. And, well... I guess one can only hope that today won't be too bad but, I don't know... I mean, I know I've had my high hopes but... yeah. On the other hand, I have a Kids Night Halloween next Tuesday to prepare for. So, who knows...

That noted, I really should post something up in the Lobby about it. Just saying.

Headstrong--even if sometimes, reluctantly...

~ me

Chapter 255 ~ Words of Wisdom for the Day

[simple truth here, folks. dedicated to those of us who need to remember this. because life isn't easy, and the human race is nowhere near perfect. there will always be people that will do all they can to hurt the good souls.

to those of us good souls, keep on keeping on. <3]

"Do It Anyway."

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Teresa