[Route MMXI ~ Trans-Underground Express]

Chapter 262|Things that should've been said...

2011-10-28T15:02:00.001-04:00

Okay... I think it's time for a muchly-overdue venting of sorts.

I think I have fallen back into a time of my life when, things just aren't so wonderful. Yeah, I know, one of y'all is probably about to say, "Geez, Jenn, not this s#!t again" but before you open your mouth and say stuff, hear me out. Please. Because this is a bit more serious than you think, and perhaps about time these things that I'm about to say are said.

First and foremost, losing both a friend and a family member in the course of two weeks, sucks. Only NOW is when the fact that I miss my Great-Uncle Ed, has been hitting me. Been this way since Saturday, when the family had his memorial service. I have in my apartment the prayer shawl I'd gotten for him the Sunday before he died... which was Sunday 2 October. Monday 3 October, the parents [Dad and Stepmom] delivered it to him, as they'd been visiting him everyday since he'd fallen terminally ill. Tuesday 4 October was my birthday--Uncle Ed died the next day with the shawl on him. After the service this past Saturday, Grandma Sharon gave the shawl to me, and the family was thankful for the shawl. But I miss him tremendously, and have cried a bit about it since.

Besides Uncle Ed's passing, inside... well... my spiritual winter has arrived a few days early. Usually the month of November is when my darkest of moods tends to hit but, this past week [and month for that matter] has decided otherwise. It's been a while since I'd felt this low but, it's not the first time I've felt like this and [unfortunately] it won't be the last.

Right now, inside, I feel very insignificant. It's not one of those passing moods when a LOT of people can get away with telling me to "snap out of it"--trust me, VERY FEW PEOPLE get away with that saying. And honestly, sometimes, I just want to smack those that should -not- be telling me to just "snap out of it." That's the thing--I CAN'T. I F#%KING CAN'T. I fight with depression every single day of my life. Been fighting it for some 12 years now, and it's a helluva fight, I can tell you this much. I can't just "snap out of it"--it doesn't always happen that way.

Part of this despairing--and this note goes to my fellow Frostwind typists out there--is because someone's had issues with me for a good while now and, I guess, hasn't let go of them. I don't like having to work so hard for so long just to make things right with someone--and mind you, I'm the kind of person that forgives and moves on for the most part. But knowing that this person won't even acknowledge a SINGLE MESSAGE IN KINDNESS that I'd sent her, makes me feel less of a person, and I die a little inside each time I check to find there's no reply from her whatsoever in my forum inbox. And it hurts but, it's not like this person gives a damn about it. And the only few typists that DO speak with me, they don't even know this until now. So yes, this is another something that's been eating me up inside, but that I've kept silent all the while. And no matter how many times I apologise to this person, I feel as if it will never do a single thing. That it will never be enough, or that it will not change this person's mind or issues with me. And sadly, this has taken a serious toll on my wanting to write, as well as my wanting to jump into storylines with said typist. So that's another piece of this depression puzzle that's getting to me.

Roleplay typing dilemma aside, right now on the inside, I feel like the most insignificant person in the world. Like everyone's doing so much better than me, and that no matter how up I try to be there is always something shoving me back into the reality that, things on my end will NOT get better. I have to force myself to smile for the world and tell them "Eh, I'm fine" more than I would like to admit. And it doesn't help me any when there are people who tell me they'll be there for me, but when I need them to hear me out they're too busy and don't have time. So on the inside... I am insignificant, isolated AND pretty much helpless. And I really don't have anything to look forward to anymore these days. I'm NOT looking forward to Christmas Lessons + Carols on Sunday 18 December because, no matter how big a deal I make of it, those that I invite [and not just to that but to EVERY Church-Choir-related something] don't come. I'm not asked to hang out with anyone more often than not. And it all comes down to me just being the... well... the outsider. I know I have coworkers and maybe a manager or two at work, say something about me behind my back--all of the simple fact that I am strange. I AM AN ABSOLUTELY ODDITY AND PEOPLE JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT IT. Yes, I'm strange, but it doesn't help that I am the only strange human being in this bloody small town, let alone my circle of friends. And when I do try to get excited or happy over something, I don't really have anyone to relate to about it because, more often than not, it's just out of their league.

Inside, there's a piece of me that hates myself so much, for being so damned different, that it makes me want to just rip myself apart. And this is a BIG reason why I don't like using actual kitchen knives [or own an Exact-o knife]--it's because I am more than capable of harming myself. No, seriously. There are scars on my hands and left arm that go back a few years because of my self-spite--including one on my left arm that goes back 12 years. Freshman year of high school, when it all began. The most recent of the wounds was back in June, and there are scars that are still there. Sometimes I'll just run my nails down my arm, behind everyone's back at work, when the day is far too difficult over the course of the day and in the end it feels as if everyone's angry at me for God only knows what, even when it's my fault. [To my coworkers, yeah, who knew?]

This is the painful, disturbing reality that I live with every single day. It's a constant battle just to keep some sort of inner light burning even while the storm's about to extinguish it by whatever means needed. I am my own worst critic, and in my own eyes I feel as if I can't do a damn thing right or that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. But all I do is try, and keep going--albeit reluctantly sometimes. There's a saying that goes "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice" and, perhaps, that's been how I've always been. I don't know. Maybe I haven't entirely a clue anymore--because, perhaps, I just never really was 'important' anyway. Perhaps that's just how bitter and hurt I am feeling right now. Because there will always be someone better than me, and I guess that's just what-all I am used to as well.

Please understand--this is NOT A SUICIDE LETTER. Far from it but still in all seriousness. This is whatever's left of me that's whispering what should've been a cry for help, for someone to just hear me the hell out. Only, I feel like it just gets ignored, or perhaps I really have done a damn-good job convincing the world that all's well when, really, "I was only dreaming" as one OMD song goes. And maybe, for now, I am just done pretending that everything's fine. I have no idea anymore, but I do know that, this is the most sense I've made to myself in a very long time. Possibly ever. I don't know about you guys though but, this is how I am feeling, and probably how I will be feeling as this inner 'spiritual winter' that is November rolls by.

"I was only dreaming
I was only trying to catch your eye
I was only wishing you would notice me..."

~ me.

Chapter 261|A bit of an update... and, OMG!! OMD!!

2011-09-19T17:29:00.005-04:00

...yeah, yeah. I know. I haven't posted all damn year. STFU and let me get a quick update in.

For one, yes, Zokusho and I are still together. I need not say more on that!!

Meanwhile, it's People Week at work. It's also the start of remodeling at my store, so it's been a very, VERY hectic Monday so far.

Unfortunately, I no longer have wifi at the apartment. So every now and then, when I feel like the back could use a couple of extra pounds on it, I take the laptop either to the Bistro or to work to use the wifi there. Yeah, I know, it kinda sucks, or else I'd use it more. However, for the most part I can be found on Facebook with the mobile phone, and that's been how my latest updates got sent out to all the world. Yay. LOL!

And, one last thing--if you are a synth-pop fan... if you get the chance to, add "Go see OMD live in concert" to your bucket list. This past Saturday night I caught them live for the first time, ever--and they. f#%king. RULE!!! They were nothing short of awesome, and not a single weak song in the set list. They played the absolute classics like "Enola Gay," "If You Leave," "So In Love," "Tesla Girls," "Dreaming" and my favorite, "Maid of Orleans." They played "Secret" live for the first time in 23 years. And the final encore was "Electricity!" Andy McCluskey was practically ELECTRIFYING on stage--he kept the crowd going all the way through! [And for someone at 52, he is just ACE!!]

In all actuality, the band was just incredible live. Got it all tight and all that good stuff. Didn't miss a beat or anything. And Andy!? He went and got close to the crowd front and center! He even wiped some sweat off on some OMD T-shirts the fans handed to him... I guess it must be an OMD-fan thing. Never seen that stuff before until Saturday night. But I thought it was pretty freggin' cool--and then, it was my turn!

See, what-all happened was that, Friday afternoon/evening I decorated a white tank-top and handkerchief. The tank-top says "Joan of Arc still has a Heart!" and the handkerchief has a red-outlined, blue-filled fleur-de-lis on it. The handkerchief was meant to be symbolic of Joan of Arc's banner--and obviously, I did both of them for "Maid of Orleans."

Sooo, back to this. I don't know which song it was but, at one point during the song Andy was close enough that I extended the handkerchief out to him and... [here comes my squee moment] he took it and wiped some sweat on it, held it to his heart while crooning at me no less, and handed it back.

*ahem*

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!*

...uhm, yeah. I was a speechless, awestruck, but very happy fan. But, HEY! it gets better!!

No, seriously. It does.

So Zokusho-chan and I--yes, Zokusho and I went to the show!--were still somewhere in Cloud 12 after the gig, and overhearing a fan give a note on where to find the tour bus, we went to complete the last-minute second half of Operation OMD and that, was to find the tour bus! He, I, and a small handful [like, some 30 or 40 of us out of the whole damn venueful!] got to the tour bus and met Andy and Paul, the nucleus of OMD themselves. I kid you not when I say, these two gentlemen are by far the most down-to-earth lads you could ever come across! Stupendously delightful to be around!! And they even signed my and Zokusho's tickets, as well as my handkerchief! [Next blogpost, I promise it'll be sooner--and there WILL be a picture of my ticket and handkerchief posted!!]

And, Andy was nothing short of wonderful to smile for a picture! [Big THANK YOU!!! to Zokusho-chan for this...]

Needless to say, I am still in *squee!*-mode about it. It just doesn't get any better than this. And as my friend Maura noted, "Not every day you get to meet a synth-pop legend!" I can gladly agree and attest to that--and I'm sure Zokusho-chan can too!!

So in love with my new favorite band... *sigh*
~ me

Chapter 2010|FINAL

2010-12-31T17:16:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting here in the Crew Room at work right now, typing out what is the final Chapter of the Underground blog for 2010... and really, it's been a helluva year. I mean, thank God it's pretty much just 'bout over but, you know, it wasn't an easy year. Of course, I had my heart dented a few times, and each time I came out a bit stronger. I've lost friends AND family this year due to death, been to a handful of funerals, worked a whole lot of hours, and had a rather... erm... awkward vacation. [Yes, all the drama minus work... wow.] I have had my heart broken, and had to break hearts as well. And then there came Zokusho-chan!! [Yes, Sprocket's got a more fitting codename here on the blog. It's his Starian name. Those of y'all who know, know. Uh-huh.]

Sooo, that all having been said, let's get down to a rather crazy recapping of 2010--Trans-Underground Express style!!

First and foremost... to those who have passed on this year...
+ Grams [Great-grandma|Stepmom's side of the family]
+ Aunt Jackie [Great-Auntie Jackie|Stepmom's side of the family, Grandma Sharon's sister]
+ Lee [Jeanne's Mom|Jeanne - fellow DOK]
+ Ruthie [Gretchen's Mom|Gretchen - fellow DOK]
+ Grandpa Jim's Sister [i don't know her name unfortunately but, she is still family]
+ Janet [the blind lady whom Terry and Steffi from the Choir brought to and from Church for the past four years--she was like a Nana to me]
+ James [Seiya's Dad]
+ Jean [whom I had been praying for some time; she was on my personal prayer roster]
...may their souls and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. + Amen.

There, that done... time to really, REALLY recap the year. This is gonna get a bit, erm, discombobulated... here we go...

+ J a n u a r y |...wait, who the heck was I seeing again? Oh, right. Hideki. Huh. Meanwhile, 2010 began, new crew in and old crew out. And... OMFG!!! IT SNOWED IN FLORIDA!!!!

...uhm, yep. 'Cause I walked to work that morning and saw it all go down from the Drive-Thru. Uh-huh. Yes, it snowed in Florida... pigs won't need an aviation license now. Our days are numbered.

+ F e b r u a r y |Valentine's day... spent alone. [Am I surprised? Of course not!!] And speaking of Valentine's Day--which fell on a Sunday this year, yes... I finally 'fessed up to Yukita that I have a crush on him. Probably the craziest thing I've done all year, but one of the best things too. Those who know how I am with him by now, yeah... y'all know. He'll always be my buddy!! ^-^

+ M a r c h |All hail the kick-butt Saint Patrick, huzzah!!! [Irish pride, show respect!] Meanwhile things were at the rather quiet stalemate between Hideki and I. [And did I mention that he kinda forgot Valentine's day? ...never mind, he's fixing to be out of the picture for months.] And I got to 'meet' by Great-Auntie Cathie, who's my Grandpa Robert's sister! Definitely a day that my Orange-and-Green Irish blood shone the most this year!!

+ A p r i l |...what DID happen in April? *checks the blog archives*

...oh. Right. Hideki's infamous "Hey, stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more" text. And we all know the crap that went down after that.

OH! and I fell sick for the first time all year. Don't worry, that wasn't the first time either...

+ M a y |Ooooh, boy oh boy was it an interesting one this year. Final month for the Choral Year '09-'10, and a bittersweet one at that, because it was Yukita's final month as Choirmaster before going on his sabbatical. Though, thankfully, we have since kept in touch [thank God!], but... well... it hasn't been the same. But we already kinda knew that, didn't we?

Oh and, my dear Italian "Nana" Janet, who was around maybe 80, sharp as a tack, legally blind and yet the sweetest woman in the world... died. As if my little world hadn't fallen apart... but not everyone saw the tears. Those that know... know.

+ J u n e |Well... two things to kick off this past June. One, Janet's funeral. And two, I fell sick... AGAIN. Whatever kicked me in the head the first time around in April, came around a second time to REALLY lay the smack'down on me again. Ugh... that was anything but fun, folks. [And those of y'all who know how I am when I'm under the weather... uhm... yeah... you know I'm not the most pleasant person to be around (but then again, who isn't when they've fallen sick).] Halfway through the month I survived what was the most screwed-up first date ever; and then [on a dating site of all things] I got this message around the end of the month by a particular person who would soon "awaken" as Zokusho-chan...

[Hey, he's addressed me as Setsuna from the very beginning. Who'd have thought that it would be the beginning?]

+ J u l y |My oh my... let's just say, enter Zokusho. Oh, and the World Cup, Kids Night on a slow summer lull [BORING!], and a handful of friends that I hadn't seen in four years. Boy what a July this was!!

+ A u g u s t |VAAAAACATIIIOOONNNN!!!!!

...pfft. What vacation? Vacation this year was spent stuck in town, and with all the drama that could've ensued, minus work. So I can't really count this year's week off as a vacation... *sigh* Sorry folks, I just can't. On a lighter note, I did get to visit St. Augustine for the first time--THAT, was awesome!!! [Don't believe me? Ask Zokusho--he went with me!]

Oh and, Great-Auntie Jackie died... my heart broke.

+ S e p t e m b e r |T minus one month to turning 27, and much went down. New Choral Year--first one with the new Choirmaster. DOK Fall Assembly at the Cathedral [OH SNAP!!! I still have pics to send over, dang nabbit... wow, did I remember this NOW or what!?], first Evensong of the Year, and Zokusho meets my family!!

And yes, everyone got along... LOL!!

+ O c t o b e r |I turned 2-freckin'-7... wow... and the night before that, Zokusho and I exchanged the dreaded [but still quaint anyway] three-worded sentence. [Hey, y'all know what I'm talking about...] And then Siren started talking crap again... if you can remember Chapter 254, you already know. And Halloween, which was spent being a Sailor Senshi for the first time since I became a fan of 'Sailor Moon' 13 years back. Really, the best Halloween EVER.

Better yet, the best Halloween party ever, which went down the weekend before Halloween!!! [Zokusho-chan, you know what-all I'm talking about!!!]

+ N o v e m b e r |Not only did the cold weather start around November, but this month was also the epic National Novel Writing Month... also known as NaNoWriMo! And this year, I participated for the first time as a Wrimo [that's the term for 'Writer']. It's an annual thing... this year was the 11th year; the goal of NaNoWriMo is 50,000+ words in 30 days. I reached my goal and then some by the early morning of Thursday 25 November--which, by the way, was Thanksgiving day this year. And THAT, brought about another little surprise which will only go by one word... Someday.

+ D e c e m b e r |Hanukkah, Yule and Christmas--OH MY!!! Not to mention cold as heck too, for the most part--it's really been feeling like winter this year! [There have been days that I go in some ten freckin' layers... OMG...] I also celebrated my first Yule too--which is a Pagan holiday; basically, Yule is the Winter Solstice. [And yes, Zokusho is a Pagan... let the religious education begin before anyone starts judging, folks! DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!] This year, Yule kicked off with a Lunar Eclipse AND a minor meteor shower, which Zokusho and I both got to watch. And then there came Christmas last weekend, with the best Christmas that I can say, I ever had.

And now... something I haven't done in a very long time... it's the OFFICIAL return of, The Starian Union Radio Random 20!!!

+ 1 |"Love Song" / Simple Minds
+ 2 |"Masoko Tanga" / The Police
+ 3 |"Price of Gas" / Bloc Party
+ 4 |"Hitherto" / Cocteau Twins
+ 5 |"Why Me" / Flesh For Lulu
+ 6 |"4 Page Letter" / Aaliyah
+ 7 |"E-Bow the Letter" / R.E.M.
+ 8 |"Link" / [KISS Mix] / L'Arc~en~Ciel
+ 9 |"Wax and Wane" / [BBC Session] / Cocteau Twins
+ 1 0 |"No Love Lost" / Joy Division
+ 1 1 |"Home" / [acoustic version] / The Goo Goo Dolls
+ 1 2 |"Frosty the Snowman" / Cocteau Twins
+ 1 3 |"Cool for Cats" / Squeeze
+ 1 4 |"New York" / [Dance Floor Cut] / Microchip League
+ 1 5 |"Genetic Engineering" / Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark
+ 1 6 |"Street Thing" / Aaliyah
+ 1 7 |"Daysleeper" / R.E.M.
+ 1 8 |"Soul Meets Body" / Death Cab For Cutie
+ 1 9 |"forbidden lover" / L'arc~en~Ciel
+ 2 0 |"She's Lost Control" / [Peel Session] / Joy Division

ALRIGHT! that done... well... I think that's about it for the year... wow. I can't believe 2010 has come and gone but, I'm glad it worked for the best in the end. I'm thankful that I made it through another year really. Now I have to brace myself for 2011... this is going to be a very interesting year ahead, filled with many a possibility and adventure, mishap and mayhem. I can't wait for the New Year to come around, and for this one to be done and over with!!!

Sooo, from my end of the Underground to yours, may this New Year be better than the Old Year that's about to end in... well, in my case, less than seven hours. Though, depending on where you are, it's probably already 2011 where you're at. In any case, and in any form, be safe and well, one and all.

Much love from the Trans-Underground Express... HAPPY 2011!!!

For the sake of auld lang syne...
~ me

Chapter 260 ~ Love, part III

2010-11-03T19:46:00.000-04:00

+ "Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

+ "If you listen to the wind very carefully, you'll be able to hear me whisper my love for you."
— Andrew Davidson

+ "The only way you can conquer me is through love and there I am gladly conquered"
— Krishna

+ "Love? It's when you don't give a thought to all the ifs and want-to's in the world. It's when if all the fires of hell were between you, you'd walk in them gladly to be with him, and sing with joy at your own burnin' if only his kiss was on your mouth."
— Stephanie Kallos (Broken for You)

+ "Kissing - and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing - is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down. "
— Drew Barrymore

+ "Love binds, and it binds forever. Good binds while evil unravels. Separation is another word for evil; it is also another word for deceit."
— Michel Houellebecq (The Elementary Particles)

+ "Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. "
— Samuel Johnson

+ "I have dreamed of our bed as if it were a shore where we would be washed up, not this striped mattress we must cover with sheets."
— Linda Pastan (The Imperfect Paradise: Poems)

+ "If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her---then don't let her go."
— Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

+ "I will never hurt you.
I will always help you.
If you are hungry
Ill give you my food.
If you are frightened
I am your friend.
I love you now.
And love does not end."
— Orson Scott Card (Songmaster)

+ "The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring."
— Oscar Wilde

+ "Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable."
— Henry Ward Beecher

+ "I basked in you;
I loved you, helplessly, with a boundless tongue-tied love.
And death doesn't prevent me from loving you.
Besides,
in my opinion you aren't dead.
(I know dead people, and you are not dead.)"
— Franz Wright (Walking to Martha's Vineyard)

+ "And you,
You can be mean
And I,
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers,
And that is a fact
Yes we're lovers,
And that is that"
— David Bowie

+ "They say what doesn't kill the soul will make you stronger, but you can't be a stone-hearted man."
— Anthony Green

+ "I am wholly yours - you are everything to me; we will sustain each other in all the ills of life it may please fate to inflict upon us; you will soothe my troubles; I will comfort you in yours."
— Denis Diderot

+ "But you cant shut everyone out. I mean you have to have someone to love. . .someone to hold on to. . . someone--"
— Hubert Selby Jr. (Requiem for a Dream)

+ "Love not often, but forever."
— Joanne Harris (Holy Fools)

+ "I told you. You don't love someone because of their looks or their clothes or their car. You love them because they sing a song only your heart can understand."
— L.J. Smith

+ "The way you're singing in your sleep
The way you look before you leap
The strange illusions that you keep
You don't know
But I'm noticing

The way your touch turns into arcs
The way you slide into the dark
The beating of my open heart
You don't know
But I'm noticing"
— David Levithan (Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist)

+ "Let this hell be our heaven."
— Richard Matheson (What Dreams May Come)

+ "I will love you always. When this...hair is white, I will still love you. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, I will still want to touch your skin. When your face is full of lines of every smile you have ever smiled, of every surprise I have seen flash through your eyes, when every tear you have cried has left its mark upon your face, I will treasure you all the more, because I was there to see it all. I will share your life with you..., and I will love you until the last breath leaves your body or mine."
— Laurell K. Hamilton (A Lick of Frost)

+ "Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair."
— Andrew Solomon (The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression)

Chapter 259 ~ Love, part II

2010-10-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

+ "Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

+ "A kiss on the beach when there is a full moon is the closest thing to heaven."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

+ "Love weaves itself from hundreds of threads."
— David Levithan

+ "That I shall love always,
I argue thee
that love is life,
and life hath immortality"
— Emily Dickinson

+ "You are, and always have been, my dream."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

+ "Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own."
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

+ "Love is not finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without."
— Rafael Ortiz

+ "If I know what love is, it is because of you."
— Hermann Hesse

+ "I love you because no two snowflakes are alike, and it is possible, if you stand tippy-toe, to walk between the raindrops. "
— Nikki Giovanni

+ "love is what moves the world, I've always thought...it is the only thing which allows men and women to stand in a world where gravity always seems to want to pull them down...bring them low...and make them crawl..."
— Stephen King

+ "Flesh and blood needs flesh and blood, and you're the one I need"
— Johnny Cash

+ "Love is eternal while it lasts."
— Vinicius da Moraes

+ "I think we ought to live happily ever after."
— Diana Wynne Jones (Howl's Moving Castle)

+ "love is thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive."
— Dalai Lama XIV

+ "I think Heaven will be like a first kiss."
— Sarah Addison Allen (The Sugar Queen)

+ "This is the true measure of love, When we believe that we alone can love, That no one could ever have loved so before us, And that no one will ever love in the same way after us."
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

+ "A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it - A song's not a song 'til you sing it - Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'til you give it away!"
— Oscar Hammerstein II

+ "Love me, beloved; Hades and Death
Shall vanish away like a frosty breath;
These hands, that now are at home in thine,
Shall clasp thee again, if thou art still mine;
And thou shalt be mine, my spirit's bride,
In the ceaseless flow of eternity's tide,
If the truest love thy heart can know
Meet the truest love that from mine can flow.
Pray God, beloved, for thee and me,
That our sourls may be wedded eternally."
— George MacDonald (The Diary of an Old soul)

+ "To measure the man, measure his heart."
— Malcolm Forbes

+ "Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee,
And thou art enough."
— G. Moore

+ "Love is the passionate dance between two hearts. It is to believe in the dream, and together make it real."
— Sylvana Rossetti

+ "Love is not blind; it simply allows us to see the beauty in everything."
— Michelle D. Pierce

+ "I ask the impossible: love me forever.
Love me when all desire is gone.
Love me with the single mindedness of a monk.
When the world in its entirety,
and all that you hold sacred advise you
against it: love me still more.
When rage fills you and has no name: love me.
When each step from your door to our job tires you--
love me; and from job to home again, love me, love me.
Love me when you're bored--
when every woman you see is more beautiful than the last,
or more pathetic, love me as you always have:
not as admirer or judge, but with
the compassion you save for yourself
in your solitude.
Love me as you relish your loneliness,
the anticipation of your death,
mysteries of the flesh, as it tears and mends.
Love me as your most treasured childhood memory--
and if there is none to recall--
imagine one, place me there with you.
Love me withered as you loved me new.
Love me as if I were forever--
and I, will make the impossible
a simple act,
by loving you, loving you as I do"
— Ana Castillo (I Ask the Impossible: Poems)

+ "Have you ever loved someone so much that when you drew a breath you knew it was his?"
— Barbara Boyer (Courage of Fear)

+ "since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Missing someone, they say, is self-centered.
I self-center you more than ever."
— Saša Stanišić

+ "It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death."
— Thomas Mann (The Magic Mountain)

+ "He knew her, and she knew him. He had no idea if the images he saw came from past or future, or both, but he knew her. Their souls were bound, had always been bound, and always would be. They were two with one soul between them, perfectly joined, perfectly fitted."
— Ann Marston (The Western King)

+ "Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought."
— Pearl S. Buck

+ "Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart!"
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)

+ "All hopes of eternity and all gain from the past he would have given to have her there, to be wrapped warm with him in one blanket, and sleep, only sleep. It seemed the sleep with the woman in his arms was the only necessity."
— D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterley's Lover)

+ "They dined on mince, and slices of quince
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon."
— Edward Lear (The Owl and the Pussycat)

+ "I love you more than there are stars in the sky and fish in the sea."
— Nicholas Sparks

+ "Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die."
— Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)

+ "love is a hawk with velvet claws
love is a rock with heart and veins
love is a lion with satin jaws
love is a storm with silken reins"
— Kurt Vonnegut

+ "When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."
— Mitch Albom (For One More Day)

+ "I want you to be weak. As weak as I am."
— Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

+ "The sorrow of losing what we love is nothing to the torment of having it present but denied us."
— Martin Boyd (A Difficult Young Man)

+ "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
— Gabriel García Márquez (One Hundred Years of Solitude)

+ "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
— Dalai Lama XIV

+ "Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair."
— William Blake (Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience)

+ "The sunlight claps the earth, and the moonbeams kiss the sea: what are all these kissings worth, if thou kiss not me?"
— Percy Bysshe Shelley

+ "What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?"
— George Eliot

+ "I'm yours for ever--for ever and ever. Here I stand; I'm as firm as a rock. If you'll only trust me, how little you'll be disappointed. Be mine as I am yours."
— Henry James (The Portrait of a Lady)

+ "This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there's no need at all to understand what's happening, because everything happens within you."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

+ "Lovers alone wear sunlight."
— E.E. Cummings

+ "We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end."
— Benjamin Disraeli

+ "Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear."
— John Lennon

+ "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)"
— Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Sonnets from the Portuguese: A Celebration of Love)

+ "I would have fallen in love with you anywhere."
— Susan Minot

+ "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
— Emily Brontë

+ "Which is why we say 'I can't live without you' meaning 'your life gives life to me, who am otherwise an empty vessel, nameless'."
— Joyce Carol Oates (Faithless)

+ "You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

+ "I say love,
it knows no season.
It haunts the soul
eternally."
— Dwight Yoakam

+
"There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love."
— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler's Wife)

+ "If you love and get hurt, love more.

If you love more and hurt more, love even more.

If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more..."
— William Shakespeare

+ "Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star..."
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Love, whether newly born or aroused from a deathlike slumber, must always create sunshine, filling the heart so full of radiance, that it overflows upon the outward world."
— Nathaniel Hawthorne (The Scarlet Letter)

+ "It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it. And even more courage to see it in the one you love"
— Oscar Wilde (An Ideal Husband)

Chapter 258 ~ Love, part I

2010-10-28T21:25:00.001-04:00

These next Chapters is a series of quotes on, well, the greatest force in the world--love.

+ "Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's beautiful."
— Milan Kundera

+ "Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold."
— Zelda Fitzgerald

+ "What Is Love? I have met in the streets a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, the water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul"
— Victor Hugo

+ "You can't measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange."
— Milan Kundera

+ "Let me die the moment my love dies.
Let me not outlive my own capacity to love.
Let me die still loving, and so, never die."
— Mary Zimmerman (Metamorphoses: A Play)

+ "The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love."
— William Somerset Maugham

+ "Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,

Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night."
— Matthew Arnold (Dover Beach and Other Poems)

+ "Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?"
— Christopher Brennan

+ "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
— Mother Teresa

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

+ "It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

+ "Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point.
(Translation: The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.)"
— Blaise Pascal (Pascal's Pensees)

+ "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."
— Emily Dickinson

+ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
— Mother Teresa

+ "to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again."
— Ellen Bass

+ "Love is a better master than duty."
— Albert Einstein

+ "I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask, 'How many good things have you done in your life?' rather he will ask, 'How much love did you put into what you did?"
— Mother Teresa

+ "When you know my love, my love will warm you."
— Ruby Dee

+ "Amor, ch'al cor gentile ratto s'apprende
prese costui de la bella persona
che mi fu tolta; e 'l modo ancor m'offende.

Amor, che a nullo amato amar perdona,
Mi prese del costui piacer sì forte,
Che, come vedi, ancor non m'abbandona..."

"Love, which quickly arrests the gentle heart,
Seized him with my beautiful form
That was taken from me, in a manner which still grieves me.

Love, which pardons no beloved from loving,
took me so strongly with delight in him
That, as you see, it still abandons me not..."
— Dante (Inferno)

+ "Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and men below, and the saints above, for love is heaven, and heaven is love. "
— Walter Scott

+ "You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth."
— William W. Purkey

+ "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

+ "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."
— Pablo Neruda (100 Love Sonnets/Cien Sonetos De Amor)

+ "Who, being loved, is poor?"
— Oscar Wilde

+ "Where there is great love, there are always miracles."
— Willa Cather

+ "Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet."
— Plato

+ "Te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
(I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.)"
— Pablo Neruda

+ "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"
— E.E. Cummings

+ "Let us begin this letter, this prelude to an encounter, formally, as a declaration, in the old-fashioned way: I love you. You do not know me (although you have seen me, smiled at me). I know you (although not so well as I would like. I want to be there when your eyes flutter open in the morning, and you see me, and you smile. Surely this would be paradise enough?). So I do declare myself to you now, with pen set to paper. I declare it again: I love you."
— Neil Gaiman

+ "Two minds with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one."
— Jasper Fforde (First Among Sequels)

+ "I have been astonished that men could die martyrs
for their religion--
I have shuddered at it,
I shudder no more.
I could be martyred for my religion.
Love is my religion
and I could die for that.
I could die for you."
— John Keats

+ "We loved with a love that was more than love."
— Edgar Allan Poe

+ "If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever."
— Alfred Lord Tennyson

+ "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)"
— Anonymous

+ "The future for me is already a thing of the past -
You were my first love and you will be my last"
— Bob Dylan (Bob Dylan: Love And Theft)

+ "When the power of love over overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
— Jimmy Hendrix

+ "Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
— Karl A. Menninger

+ "Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull."
— H.L. Mencken

+ "When love has fused and mingled two beings in a sacred and angelic unity, the secret of life has been discovered so far as they are concerned; they are no longer anything more than the two boundaries of the same destiny; they are no longer anything but the two wings of the same spirit. Love, soar."
— Victor Hugo (Les Misérables)

+ "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
— Dr. Seuss

+ "To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world."
— Bill Wilson

Chapter 257 ~ Defeated

2010-10-22T19:38:00.001-04:00

I am so fed up sometimes. Or, sometimes, I can be so fed up. And today, right now, it's to the point of tears. What else remains, but to cry?

Right now, I am just annoyed by the long day I've had. Who knew that the world could be so damn cruel and painful sometimes? Sure, it's beautiful, and I love it because of the people I know and love very much. But there are days like today, in which all I can do is just tell the world to just go to hell, leave me alone and let me cry--and even I can't do THAT!

I don't know... I wish it was so damn easy to do that. But... it's not... and I can't.

You know what? Yes, I'm strange. Yes, I have blue hair with turquoise highlights. Yes, I am a punk girl with a touch of classical music in my veins. Yes, I can be and usually am the strangest, most unusual person you may have ever met or come to know. Yes, I am a girl that has to deal with the pressures and bulls#!t of modern society which is telling me to be this, that, and the other way. Yes, I don't believe that I should have to conform to society by their terms. Yes, I have to deal with people who are ignorant, stupid and obvously can't listen to me no matter how many times I have to explain myself.

So then... why... why? Why can't people just stop being so... so...

Oh hell, I don't even know anymore.

Today, I am fed up with the world. And I am going to go cry myself to sleep--the world is not worthy to see me cry, nor does it deserve to partake in my tears.

Given up for the day...

~ me

Chapter 256 ~ Time Won't Give Me Time

2010-10-19T10:44:00.001-04:00

Today, well... I feel a lot better than I was last Thursday. After purging Siren out of my existence [or as much of it for that matter], now... well, now I'm preparing for a few things going on within this and next week. There is quite a bit going on... I think I know where to start. So bear with me as I recap 'em like it was nothing.

First and foremost, this week my DOK chapter starts a new meeting time at 6 P.M. This is actually a good thing for me because, since I've been opening lately on Fridays, that means I don't have to rush with dinner and getting ready for bedtime. So the new time, 6-7 P.M., goes into effect this Thursday--this was decided and noted at last Thursday's meeting.

Secondly, and speaking of work, my work schedule's back to normal after a rather insane, outrageous workweek last week. And those of y'all who read the blog know of one rather nasty situation that got my blood boiling--actually, two. One of them was concerning Siren; the other was concerning one of my own drive-thru regulars. Last Thursday I dyed my hair turquoise [but it came more like a teal than turquoise--need more blue]; the next day [Friday] said regular looks at me and decides to run his mouth. Now mind, he's one of those old folks that think they can say anything trying to be funny and end up really, REALLY lame--he's also one of those regulars that have ruffled my feathers in a not-so-good way [this wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last either]. So, he opens his mouth last Friday and what does he say?

"...your hair's molding! If you wash it with shampoo it'll help with getting it out!"

OOH! did my blood boil. WOW.

So I haven't been speaking to him since that all went down. I know I shouldn't be upset over it and yet, I am. Because if you're gonna look at me and just blatantly insult my hair like that, then of course I'm going to give you a dirty look and keep my own mouth shut. I am better off not saying anything to this guy than to just get myself in trouble for being an outspoken punk rock girl. And no, he hasn't apologised, at least not yet anyway. But still... yes, I guess y'all can say that, I've no patience for him right now. I know I need to work on it but, for now... yeah...

Thirdly, I am very excited for Halloween! Yes, I know, it falls on a Sunday this year but, I've got three Halloween festivities to look forward to. The first is Sprocket's friend Terra's party this Saturday [yay!]. Then it's the day BEFORE Halloween, because I get to do the partial dress-up at work--work uniform, plus my Mercury tiara, earrings, back bow to use as front bow with the brooch, choker, and MAYBE gloves. Then Sprocket and I have ANOTHER Halloween party that night. Halloween it's Trunk-or-Treat at Church [which I'm thinking of making an appearance with Sprocket]. And Halloween this year is on a Sunday sooo... yeah. Hence, a LOT of partying. But, I think it'll be a lot of fun. I'm very excited--thinking of taking a good amount of pictures too.

And it is on this memo, that I must end my train of thought for now. I have to be at work in an hour and I haven't jumped in the shower yet sooo, yeah. Time to get going on that note. And, well... I guess one can only hope that today won't be too bad but, I don't know... I mean, I know I've had my high hopes but... yeah. On the other hand, I have a Kids Night Halloween next Tuesday to prepare for. So, who knows...

That noted, I really should post something up in the Lobby about it. Just saying.

Headstrong--even if sometimes, reluctantly...

~ me

Chapter 255 ~ Words of Wisdom for the Day

2010-10-15T03:34:00.003-04:00

[simple truth here, folks. dedicated to those of us who need to remember this. because life isn't easy, and the human race is nowhere near perfect. there will always be people that will do all they can to hurt the good souls.

to those of us good souls, keep on keeping on. <3]

"Do It Anyway."

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Teresa

Chapter 254 ~ Not just 'No', but 'HELL NO.'

2010-10-14T16:04:00.001-04:00

...no. Not again.

Those of y'all who read the blog regularly, would be asking [I'm sure], The Helen of Troy do you mean by, 'not again'? Well... guess who's started talking s#!t again, folks.

Yep... Siren.

Are any of us surprised? In theory, I shouldn't be. And yet, I am.

Why? Because when we started talking and somewhat getting along again, I didn't think that he'd stoop back to such levels as being a complete a-hole. I should've known better that he'd never grow up, that he'd never change. He's still a jerk. He even so much as insulted my boyfriend Sprocket by calling him my "40-year-old boy toy". [For the record, Sprocket's 33. Nowhere near 40 yet, just for the sake of clarification in case Siren's already started talking any further BS.]

There's that inner part of me that wished he grew up, stopped acting like such an epic idiot. And then there's the smack of reality, when he posts lies like this--on ONE OF MY OWN FACEBOOK STATUSES NO LESS--

"lol yo tango secrete pictures from back then lol ninja camera skills ftw"

So for future reference--and this goes to EVERY StarKnight and every friend of mine reading this--IF, and this is a BIG IF, he's sent any message to any of y'all saying that sort of stuff, please, PLEASE disregard them as lies. At this point, I can't trust him--and neither should any of y'all. He lied to me more than once before, he's lied to me this week, and it wouldn't surprise me if he continued to lie.

Yeah, I know I'm calling him out on this but you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of being frustrated by his stupidity, and the way he can guage reactions like one from a friend of mine who responded--same status, but just before the 'secrete pictures' post--"This sounds like good porn. How much for a DVD?" And the status originally had NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

Those curious... the status was, ‎- [Sometimes, even the StarKnight Captain must face the tears and brave the darker hours.] - And for those who-all have read the drama go down on FB, you know just how infuriated I am. Not just as Siren for being a you-know-what, but also for that one friend who made the very stupid porn comments. Sprocket threw HIS two cents in and made the inner lightbulb in my brain go off [yes baby, I have seen the light!]:

"Wow, this really sounds like some high school shit, for real. The cowboy from the Village People implying he has pictures of some said sexual act with a StarKnight (im assuming it is with said author of this post) or one of the male StarKnights maybe? And you Jennifer maintaining any friendship with someone who would make such a comment, is really stupid, sorry. And playing into this sorry ass bitch's game is equally naive. Sorry. Rather nauseating...."

Personally, I'm thankful I had that real good wake-up from Sprocket. More like a good kick in MY conscience--one that I needed more than I realise. Because, Siren never is going to change. I don't care for him anymore... needless to say, I'm leaving this hopeless cause to God. He's no longer worthy of my concern as of now, because, basically, he never really did change. He has lost all my respect. It's a damn shame that his brother-in-law, Agathangelos [my friend the Good Angel], does NOT know about this.

Or maybe I should have him read this, because he needs to know just what sort of person he's got for a brother-in-law. [And actually, I believe he already knows, because I've told him before about Siren. So if he sees this, then GOOD. Because, he needs to know. I don't know what-all has been said between the two but, if I can shed some light on the matter, all the better.]

...there, I feel a LOT better now. Because I put much out there into the light, because things needed to be exposed. People needed to be called out. This is the StarKnight Captain people should sort-of be afraid of now--the kind that can wreck the most chaotic of revenge possible. The kind that exposes that sort of stuff to other people, to make them aware that, this is what's going on, and this is what will NOT be tolerated.

Hell hath no fury, like a very angry StarKnight Captain...

~ me

Chapter 253 ~ Chaotic Emotion

2010-09-25T19:51:00.000-04:00

I'm awake, I'm wired, and--so help me God--I hate not having a nap when I want one. Long story with that one, I'll explain in a moment. But, I feel as if something just hasn't been quite right... maybe I'm just a bit overstressed, or worried about tomorrow. Again, explanation coming. Bear with me.

Meanwhile, today was the Daughters of the King Fall Assembly. With 41 pictures taken and a lot of conversation to be had with my friend Michele [whom I hadn't seen since the Fall Assembly in Melbourne LAST YEAR--she's in the DOK Chapter in Haines City], it was a great time to be had. I even told her about Sprocket--she was quite happy for me!

The festivities of Fall Assembly this year were nothing short of amazing. For one, it was at the Cathedral in Orlando this year. Two, it was rather bittersweet, as it was Anne's final Fall Assembly in Central Florida; she handed down the Presidency to Krisita, the 2nd Vice-President, during the meeting [the 1st Vice-President had to resign due to health issues as a result of her fight with cancer]. Anne will be moving to Tennessee on 1 November--another bittersweet day as it's not only All Saints Day, but also the day of corporate communion for all Daughters of the King. I'll be honest when I say, I am going to miss Anne very much--she'd been like an older sister and mentor to me, and especially during when I was preparing to become a Daughter. Now... *sigh* yeah, I still have one more month or so with her but, still...

I guess it's been a rather big year for losses, hasn't it? Awesome'ness is on his Sabbatical after his time as Choirmaster, and Anne's leaving to Tennessee. [Great-]Aunt Jackie died, two friends' Moms died, and my legally-blind adopted-at-the-heart Nana Janet died. It makes me almost worry about what the rest of the year is looking like.

Right now I'm wired and awake... on 6 hours' sleep and a 10-minute nap. I've been awake since 3 this morning, had to work 4:15-6 this morning since my 1st Assistant Manager accidentally scheduled me to work today. The only time I took that nap? On the way back from Orlando. I wanted to take a nap when I got home from Church but of course, that wasn't possible. That and, I still have 41 pictures to send over to e-mail and then post them in an epic mass e-mail to just about everybody. Which, mind you, isn't a problem for me. Except, it's gonna take a while. This I know. I know I've got Michele and Linda [the Diocesan Historian] to send them out to. Them and Gracie-boo [my DOK 'Nana'], Anne, Terry, Deacon Megumi, and the others in the Chapter.

Oh, and I have to work 6 A.M.-1 P.M. tomorrow. Which means I'll be a rehearsal behind for the Choir's first Evensong of the Choral Year... which is TOMORROW NIGHT. Good Lord, I am not gonna be a happy camper tomorrow. I'm not even prepared for it tomorrow, at all--I still have doubts about myself over the Magnificat piece. Tomorrow is not going to be good... I'm so scared I can almost feel it. Yeah, it's that bad.

...I swear, I need to sleep. Where's Sprocket to cuddle with?

Borderline-restless...

~ me

Chapter 252 ~ Missing

2010-09-06T20:56:00.003-04:00

*sigh* Alright. It's official. I miss my Choirmaster. No, not the new one either, Dr. Rich may be our Choirmaster but he's not my Choirmaster. There's a difference--and a big one in fact.

Yes, I miss my friend Awesome'ness. Like, a lot.

Because it's not the same when I don't have him to talk to every Sunday anymore. In fact... well, the last time we talked... it was in May. And he told me that he wouldn't be too far away. And yet... well, we did exchange a couple of e-mails in June. But then he had his excursion to France. And, well... we haven't really talked since.

It's just not the same anymore. All I can do is sigh in quiet grief and talk about him every now and then. Sprocket knows about Awesome'ness, and he laughs at me when I get all giggle-happy talking about him [Awesome'ness]. Yeah, Sprocket thinks it's cute when his girlfriend gets giggle-happy. I suppose I don't blame him. But... still...

I wonder how Awesome'ness is doing. It hurts when all that remains are music, memories and pictures. We [the Choir] just rehearsed one of his pieces yesterday morning... I almost wanted to cry.

*sigh* Yeah. It's official. I miss my Choirmaster.

Dear Awesome'ness...

I wonder how you're doing. What's new? How's life? How's life teaching at the University?

How are you? I miss you. Like, a lot.

We've begun to raise the Church Roof as a Choir with the new Choirmaster, but he could never be my Choirmaster, my good friend. He could never be you.

It never hurts to hear from you once in a while.

Missing...

~ me

Chapter 251 ~ Tears and Needlepoint

2010-09-04T19:04:00.003-04:00

Thou knowest, Lord, the secrets of our hearts;
shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer;
but spare us, Lord most holy, O God most mighty,
O Holy and merciful Savior,
thou most worthy Judge eternal.
Suffer us not, at our last hour,
for any pains of death, to fall from thee.
Amen.

So this week... well... I'd been nothing short of an emotional wreck. Between having to face being stuck in town this weekend while everyone's in Kentucky, and the past week being the equivalent to Murphy's Law, it's safe to say that I am not psyched about Choir starting up in full swing tomorrow. In fact, I won't lie--I actually forgot all about it until I spoke with fellow Alto Sue earlier this afternoon. [And to add to that, Choir Librarian Kim didn't even send out the memo either, and she usually does in the form of an e-mail!] Sooo... yeah... I'm just all fscked up today.

Sadly, today is Great-Aunt Jackie's funeral in Kentucky, and because no one at work wanted to open on my behalf, I had to open this morning [and end up working 9 + 1/2 hours because we were shorthanded]. Between 11 A.M. and 2:20 P.M. there were times that I had to fight the tears because, between the sympathy pains and the fact that I felt so bad that I couldn't be with my family, I was hurting so badly. After I clocked out for the day I spent some time in the Crew Room--10 to 15 minutes of it crying those held-back tears. I felt a lot better after that good cry but there's still a part of me somewhere in the sorrow. And I know there'll be more tears to cry later on.

This week I also got back into an old love: needlepoint. Yes, needlepoint. You see, Great-Aunt Jackie taught me needlepoint four years ago at the Family Reunion. I made some two projects, but then fell out of that for a very, VERY long time. This week, I made four projects for the first time in four years. It just all came back to me the minute I got started--while Aunt Jackie taught me how to make the name "Jesus", I taught myself how to make a heart. And I've made three hearts so far--one for myself [which I'm wearing now], one for Aunt Jackie for Mom to put in her grave, and one for a friend and fellow Daughter whose Mom died earlier this week [the funeral was yesterday afternoon by the way, which I attended]. I also made a needlepoint on a circle-shaped plastic canvas--THAT, took me some three or four hours to make. I still have yet another project heart to make--this time, for Sprocket, but I'll wait until he gets here to make that. The canvas is small, like about 1 inch by 1 inch; and the project doesn't take too long to make.

Aside from all that... well... I guess that's it. That's all there is to it. This week wasn't entirely a loss but it wasn't really an improvement from the week prior [which was vacation--or was supposed to be vacation anyway] either. Sooo... yeah... I think the tears aren't done falling yet. But it's only a matter of time before I end up crying for a while more...

Almighty God,
Father of mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee,
with all those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

May Jackie and Ruthie's souls,
and the souls of all the departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
+ Amen.

[italicised prayers from the funeral liturgy, book of common prayer, rite 1.]

Trying to pick up the pieces of a fragile, broken self...

~ me

A Final Letter to Aunt Jackie

2010-08-29T19:41:00.001-04:00

I can remember having met you, Great-Aunt Jackie, four years ago at the family reunion on my Stepmom's side. Aunt Jackie... well, you were quite a character. You were also quite a sweet lady. Heck, you even taught me needlepoint--which was something I got into for a while, but slipped away from and would love to get back into. We had quite a good time getting to know each other better, and vowed to keep in touch. Which we did, time and again. Although my only regret is, I didn't spend enough time. Time... well, it's one thing we never can have enough of, this I know.

Last summer, en route from Indiana back to Florida, we stopped in Kentucky to visit you for a couple of hours. While the younger siblings went to pick blackberries, you, Stepmom and I stayed inside and talked all the while. At the time, you were fighting cancer--which worried me a bit, because I know of people who've died in their battle against cancer [Great-Grandma Ana Julia being one of them]. In the back of my mind, I wasn't sure how to bring it up with you, so I didn't. In the end, I was fairly glad that I didn't.

But then, the first of two family tragedies came to pass, with my Grams passing away up in Ohio [reference: Chapter 231|10 March 2010]. What I didn't know though at the time [and in fact I didn't know until Father's Day while talking with Grandma Sharon], was that you'd beaten cancer. But come Father's Day, Grandma Sharon gave me the update about your beating cancer--but with even more shocking news that, the cancer you'd been fighting and defeated... came back. That you were given 1 to 2 months to live. My heart broke, and I was sure enough on the watch... waiting... waiting...

The best thing God could ever do, was to call you home last night.

Rest in peace, Aunt Jackie. I love you.

Waiting 'til this weekend to finally say goodbye...

~ me

O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of your servant Jackie, and grant her an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
your saints; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and
reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for
ever. + Amen.

[funeral liturgy, book of common prayer.]

Chapter 249 ~ ...vacation? WHAT VACATION!?

2010-08-27T23:40:00.001-04:00

...well damn, so much for a vacation.

So thanks to circumstances beyond me and Sprocket's control, I have spent my entire vacation... in town. And if having to work all week on Sprocket's end wasn't bad enough, thank the car for giving him hell--because I was supposed to be staying over at his place tonight. As it is, I'm unfortunately in town... still. Sooo, the attempt to go out of town for vacation this year was a 'Fail' and, to be honest, I'm kinda glum about it. The only real good side about it was that, I got to see him this past weekend when he was over, and when he stayed over last night. Otherwise... well, it rained. And rained. And I was in town.

For all I know, I should've just gone to work, had I known that I was going to be stuck in town due to factors beyond my or Sprocket's control.

So as of right now, tomorrow afternoon's plans to go see Tears for Fears in concert is questionable, leaning towards 'very unlikely'--and it sucks, 'cause Sprocket and I were gonna meet up with a fellow Cocteau Twins fan too. The plans for Visage Night later on that evening still stands--however, it's also highly unlikely that I'll have anyone to go with. I mean, I know my fellow Cocteau Twins friend will be there. But... I mean, damn... if I get rained on in my new dress...

Yeah, I feel like I just picked the most fscked up time to go on vacation. I feel like I somehow just... wasted it. I just...

I think I'm going to have a long good cry now. What a way to end vacation. Boy am I looking forward to returning to work Monday morning.

Crying upon a shipless ocean...

~ me

Chapter 248 ~ Together|Asunder

2010-08-16T19:30:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I have to wonder just how painful some wounds were before they were just too deep to heal.

Things went rather sour, big time, between Seiya and I. Then again, I didn't even realise just how much he was really hurting since the break-up last September. Hell, I thought we would be better off as friends. And for quite a while, things had been going okay. Sure, we didn't always communicate as much as we used to, but we kept in touch. We had endured the loss of loved ones, and we had a good laugh through the better times. Though we hadn't spoken for a few weeks, I had thought, He's probably busy. His life's been a bit hectic, and it's understandable. So of course I thought, things were alright. We'd keep in touch... right?

News flash--I was so wrong.

It started earlier yesterday afternoon, when Sprocket [remember the guy I met in Orlando last month? yep, he's got a codename now!] stopped over at my place. Conversations went between my Halloween costume and my Classic Lolita outfit, and then it went into the who's-who of the StarKnights. And that was when it dawned on me--I thought, Damn, that reminds me. I haven't seen Seiya-chan online in a while. So I checked my Facebook and... well... hell. Where the Helen of Troy was he!? Yeah, Sprocket could tell I got a bit worried.

So I sent a text to Seiya, and he responded. I asked if he was alright. He told me he wasn't, and to call him later on in the evening. About an hour or so passed by before I received an e-mail from him... and needless to say, I was shocked. Sprocket was surprised, albeit not quite as shocked as I was. I just didn't know how to react, to be honest. Given that, I had assumed all was well... I thought there wasn't anything to worry about. How the Helen of Troy could this have gone up to this, and under my nose and outside my own radar? How was I to know that Seiya had been suffering far worse than this?

And on the other hand, the only time he ever noted about it, was in a letter he'd written a few months back.

Ten minutes to 9 P.M., and Sprocket and I are en route to CVS and still talking about the situation concerning Seiya. And it was then that I realised that, if this was how it was going to be, then... well, I wasn't gonna bother calling. Not if he sent that e-mail telling me that, he's moved on. That, he cannot be friends with me anymore. And if this was how it was going to go down, then that was to be something I would have to accept and live with. And I did, with the last thing he would receive from me--which I will make an extended version of at the end of this Chapter.

But yes, needless to say... it's a damn shame, that a friendship of some two or three years, would have to end like this. However, that is fine. Because if that's how it has to be then, so be it.

In other news, and speaking of Sprocket, I guess we can almost say that it's pretty official--boyfriend and girlfriend. Or as BF+GF as it's gonna get. It's somewhat complicated, but so far things are going spiffy. I like it. Which leads me to after I sent the final text to Seiya. We went to CVS and returned, got some laundry done, and went to sleep for the eventide. He dropped me off at work, before crashing at my place for a couple of hours. Now I recalled him having to be at class at 9 A.M.--so while he had mayhem at college to deal with, I had chaos at work to put up with. In fact, today I hadn't said a damn thing about the sitch between Seiya and I, so I must have done damn well somewhat. But work was chaotic and I even had to cry during my break. [I didn't even finish my breakfast, and forgot about the chocolate cookies I'd bought--that's how F'd up today was and how hectic I was when all was said and done.]

I come home irritated and ready to cry again--when I saw what looked to be a letter on my bed. At first, I was a bit perplexed. But then when I read it, I couldn't stop smiling... I haven't stopped smiling. In fact, Sprocket's letter is beside me now even as I type this!! Yes, this has made my day.

I will be seeing him again this weekend, and the whole of next week for that matter. Yep, y'all guessed it--I will finally be on vacation for next week. I'm very excited for this--spending a week with Sprocket. Who knows what-all sort of mayhem will ensue? It'll only prove to be rather interesting. Hopefully I'll update as the week goes along.

For now however, and in closing... I must finish with a proper send-off. A damn shame that it has to come down to this...

Seiya,

I am shocked, and apalled, that you have sent me such an e-mail as you sent yesterday. So, I suppose, it is only fitting that I reply in something that is more than two sentences long. Because, to be honest, the last thing I need is an e-mail from you to dampen my mood while my new guy's visiting me. The last thing I needed was to have to be the last to know.

But this time, it seemed, you didn't give a damn if I was the last to know now. You didn't care anymore, because you moved on. But I was the last to know, and too late to even understand it. I guess, then, that I was blind and stupid to realise that, you never did get over me. Or maybe I thought, all would be well while we were still friends. We would always be friends, wouldn't we?

And yet, once again, I was wrong. I was always wrong, wasn't I?

I cannot go back to the way things used to be, the way you wanted things to be. My heart has found a new joy, one much closer to me. It cannot risk itself in the repeat of what would only become pain and, in the end, hurting. It couldn't take another stupid argument over who had a worse attitude problem. It couldn't take another having to sit around and just do nothing... feeling like a complete waste of time when all was said and done... a complete waste of emotions. Yes, I was hurting that much. And since you decided to tell me now, at the last minute, of your wanting to cut ties with me, I'd decided to wait 'til now to really spill out my guts. So there, now you know.

And yet, it's too late to fix anything.

So then, go on with your life. I have begun to do so myself--erasing memories of you from my phone. The picture and the texts. The blogposts and the stories remain, because they are a part of my past--but you will have no part of my future. Yet will I continue to pray for you... but rest assured--you will never hear from me ever again.

Because of your e-mail, I decided to not call you, nor will I call you ever again, because I deleted your number. Only fitting, so that I never find the nerve to ever want to speak to you. That said,

May your father continue to smile upon you from Heaven. May your mother stay strong. May you continue to be strong. May God hold you in His hands. And may life treat you better than you expected.

Good-bye and good luck. I wish you well.

~ me

Chapter 247 ~ I Have A Tale To Tell...

2010-07-21T20:37:00.003-04:00

*Writer's Note--This post was started on Wednesday 21 July, and was continued and finished on Thursday 22 July 2010*

- [ W e d n e s d a y 2 1 J u l y ] -

[Note--the Chapter Title is the first line from the Song of the Day.]

Song of the Day//"Live to Tell"|Madonna.

...okay, so my original Chapter 247 didn't quite go as planned. A lot came up, and with that came some drama which desperately needed a good sorting-through. Right now though, things are a bit more on the calmer side. Providing the wifi doesn't mess up as I type this, here's an update.

First and foremost, Hideki-chan. Yes, I think that, it's safe to say that, it's been over--only I was reluctant to accept it. But now, I've come to accept it. His life's much too chaotic right now for him to make time for me... and this, told me EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON. A bit late to notify me, eh? On the other hand, I'm just a bit ahead of this, and perhaps all the more glad for it.

Meanwhile... work's been mayhem and a half. Kids Night's been fairly slow because of Summer Vacation. And of course, there's always something bound to happen at every turn. Such is life at work, one like myself could suppose... and yet, I survive at the daily. There but for the grace of God, indeed.

The World Cup this year was rather interesting, to say the least. This year it all went down in South Africa, and boy were there plenty of ups and downs to show for it. I had been rooting for USA and England, who were both eliminated in the Round of 16. And then people were telling me to root for this time or root for that team, which didn't help me any. Though I will say, congrats and kudos to Spain for going so far as to not only reach the Final for the first time in their country's history but also to win it. On the other hand... damn, if y'all missed that Final match, it was a dirty one--and by that I mean, 14 YELLOW CARDS AND 1 RED CARD. Yeah, Netherlands played a rather crappy game, big time. Spain put up a helluva fight. Game went into Extra Time. And in the end, Spain won it. Next stop is Brazil in 2014.

- [ T h u r s d a y 2 2 J u l y ] -

Song of the Day|"Evangeline" - Cocteau Twins

Wow... just, wow.

Ever felt like today was just one of those days that you just wanted to hide in your own shell and cry? Well, that's how it was, for the first time in quite a while, because that's how I'm feeling after a rather chaotic day at work, in which anything can go wrong and did--and into all sorts of wrong too. I'm surprised I didn't throw anything at anyone yet. On the other hand... today... I'm just outright upset, tired and ready for a good cry. It hasn't happened yet though. Perhaps getting back to this would put something good on my face? I can but only hope. Only one person knows the whole of the situation... I just haven't found a codename for him yet but... yeah... he knows. And to be honest, I'm glad and thankful a bit that he heard me out. It actually surprised me a bit, but... yeah...

I'm smiling again, albeit a sad smile, but smiling nonetheless.

And it brings me to a memory associated with him. And that memory would be this past Saturday night, when I went to a Visage Reunion night in Orlando with two of my friends. I ran into two other friends that I hadn't seen in years [Tina! Jonathan! FUN TIME HAD BY ALL!], and I pretty much danced the night away. All four hours of it. The night itself was awesome'ness... but he made it all the better. And he knows who he is. It's a bit of a long story as to how we met, but it all really led up to this night, in which--after exchanging a few messages here and there, and then my inviting him at the sorta-last-minute--we met up... and had a grand ol' eventide!

I'm smiling again, even now. While it's a sad one because I'm exhausted, it's still a smile because I have a good memory to look back on.

That, though, doesn't seem to stop the tears that have finally come around to fall...

Finally having a good cry...

~ me

Chapter 246 ~ Blind dates are a BEEP!.

2010-06-16T14:33:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am calling this one out for last night. If there is one thing that EVERYBODY must know about me, it's the following--

I can't stand blind dates. Period.

[Currently listening to|"Peppermint Pig" (12" version) - The Cocteau Twins.]

So right now, things are a bit, erm... unsettled within me as of last night. I mean, well, okay. The guy, he's older than me. [Okay, I suppose I can handle that, right?] And he thinks I'm pretty cool. [Eh, fine and dandy I guess. Right?] But then the conversation kinda turned to a matter that will NOT be brougth up here. [Uh oh. Things just got a bit, erk, not-so-lovely...]

And then, well, he kissed me good night.

[Two words: RED FLAG.]

So, that said... WHAT THE F@#K WAS I THINKING!? I mean, this guy and I, we kinda "clicked" but we didn't "click", y'know? We got along well as friends but on my end, there just wasn't any romantic spark, period. And when the conversation went on the uncalled-for, I got a bit alarmed within... the kind of 'alarmed' that makes one go, "Aw f@#k" in disgust.

Yeah, it didn't help when he kissed me good night. Just, no.

I mean, yeah. You know what, I'm damn awesome like that. On the other hand, I'm not up for gettin' in anybody's pants anytime soon. He wants to take me out this Saturday night--and I, stupid ID10T that I am to be so damn nice, said yes to it. Though, we're heading to daVinci's this Saturday night. Hopefully he can be kept at bay to the point where he WON'T try to kiss me. Because, I'll be honest--he caught me off guard. It's bad enough he is *way* too into me already, much too soon.

Wishing things just weren't this f@#ked up right now...

~ me

Chapter 245-2 ~ Chaos

2010-06-14T21:14:00.002-04:00

So Hideki *finally* explained himself today--finally. Though, long story short, hell in a handbasket. The major kicker--he had to move back to Orlando's East Side. Which means he won't be able to move down to to DeLand... darn. *sigh* Ah well, at least he finally explained himself. On the other hand, he does know how I felt about his up-and-out. And he did apologise too. So, for now, things are calm and settled a bit, though it is going to be very interesting as to just how things will go on down from here. My call on this is, let's wait and see how things go with this renewed... well... whatever the heck this is now.

In the meantime, I have a bit of a crisis... seems like someone pissed off a good friend of mine, big time. And the StarKnight Captain is NOT happy about this. I think it's time to hold the lantern of Hope, with the light of Love shining bright, to support my friend. I'm fixing for what could possibly be a long night ahead...

StarKnight Guardian Power... GAME ON...

~ me

Chapter 245 ~ Brutally Honest

2010-06-14T14:55:00.002-04:00

"If I may be so bold..."

[from "Blood On My Hands" by the Sundays, my Song of the Day]

So today I sit here, almost two months since I fell apart with the question of "WTF!?" echoing in my head like it was the only thing I could say. And to be honest... I am having a helluva time trying to figure out the answer to that.

Please excuse me while I go find out...

Raising hell the likes of which the whole Underground cannot comprehend...

~ the avenging StarKnight of Love.

Chapter 244 ~ Two Weeks Later

2010-06-06T07:48:00.002-04:00

Song of the Day|"Wonderwall" - Oasis

I miss looking at the world and laughing at it [with him].
I miss having a moment of slight confusion [with him].
I miss talking about random, silly nonsuch [with him].
I miss taking on the world fearlessly [with him].

Two weeks after we said, "I'll see you later,"
my heart has never felt more broken.

It hurts sometimes...

Dear Peter,

The Choir has only been on vacation two weeks. I miss you already. And of course I feel all the more pathetic about it. I guess I'm still smitten over you, or perhaps I just miss one of my best buddies. But, it's not the same without you.

I have been facing the world more boldly, more courageously, more fearlessly. But on the other hand, I don't have many people to share my adventures with, or get a good cheerful chin-up. So, my summer it seems is off to a bit of a rough start.

Things are not the same without you. I am, while still a crazy kick-butt punk, still a coward. But I think of you... well, I think of you a lot. And I have memories to keep me smiling, and your words and lessons I learned from you to encourage me. I am sure that the Choir feels that same way, of missing and remembering you.

So far there has been no word about who the new Choirmaster will be. Already I am worried, almost nervous, because I don't know who [s]he will be or what [s]he is like. I don't even know if anything's gone on concerning that. The most I can do is trust in God and pray for the best.

How are you and Eric? How are things? How is your summer [so far]?

I miss you [but you already know that].

~ "Sunshine"

Chapter 243 ~ My Heart to Compromise?

2010-05-24T14:23:00.003-04:00

Song of the Moment|"The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
Song of the Day|"Love Plus One" - Haircut 100

I have realised something, something highly important about myself, as I sit and check my e-mail and Facebook and all that. Between that and having a unexpected conversation with Siren...

it seems that my heart is still the subject of questioning, in a sense.

For the better part of the last couple of months, my heart's been in limbo and a f@#ked-up mess. Between Orin messing my heart over, two exes wanting me for only one thing, and one other ex wanting me back altogether... not to mention the fact that I don't know how to tell them all off without being a complete bitch at the risk of losing the friendships entirely... and never mind the fact that I can't get a date anyway so I just stay home and hide...

yeah. Somehow I'm just glad I'm single. I mean, I want something that's gonna be more about some proper intelligent conversations than the physical attaction. Now I'm not saying I'm going after the ugly guys--hell now. I'm just saying, yeah, I should be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him and not want to get in his pants, and vice versa. I refuse to compromise my heart to someone that just wants to get in my pants and not even commit.

So right now, my nerve's a bit edgy. But I don't want to compromise my heart to anyone or anything. I don't want anything less of a worthwhile relationship. But the problem is... right now, the way things are looking, my outlook's turned more of a DO NOT WANT as far as that's concerned. I'm still afraid to trust anyone that much to get close to. Especially after what Orin did to me... yeah. He's pretty much screwed things up for sure.

On a lighter note...

...

...

...oh hell. There really isn't much of a lighter note today. I'm too irritated and exhausted to even think of anything good going on right now. Other than the obvious fact that I'm alive. I suppose that alone will suffice.

Dear, dear Peter...

Today was the first day of a new season of solitude. It's been rough. I don't have much of a clue as to how to swat a few longing exes away without hurting them. And this isn't the first time this has happened, but I was too much trying to smile and be happy yesterday to not even think about it. So I didn't tell you about it.

Work was hectic to say the least today. I nonetheless made it through the day, and am home safely and in one piece [for the most part anyway].

And, I have realised that, I will not compromise my heart for anyone or anything. Sadly though, I am left almost wishing that there were more guys in the world like you. I don't know... maybe I'm just stuck in a moment of wishful thinking. Or who knows? But, in any case, I will not compromise my heart. Ever. And you know this.

I hope your summer is off to a good start. When are you heading out for France? Take lots of pictures--I wanna see!!! Please and Thank you!!!

Love always...

~ me

Chapter Front [242] ~ How Could It Come To This?

2010-05-23T16:58:00.003-04:00

Song of the Moment|"Is It Like Today?" - World Party [2-M Session]

So today... the feast Sunday of Pentecost... well, I bade best wishes and a decent "I'll see you around" to... well... him. Yes, my beloved Choirmaster of five years. Onward now goes Peter for new adventures, and of course I can but simply encourage him on, even if it's from at a distance now. But, it's not like he's leaving out-of-state or anything. Still, I'll miss him immensely. I can't quite put into words how I'm feeling.

I guess the only proper word for that is, bittersweet.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good times. Silly conversations. And the times he's made me laugh 'til I couldn't make much sense. He's just that awesome of a person in my opinion. He's a good friend. He'll always be that wonderful to me.

*sigh* I hate good-bye's. I wish there wasn't a need for the word.

Bittersweet and thankful...

~ me

Chapter 241 ~ How'd You Get to Feel Happiness...

2010-05-17T19:02:00.004-04:00

Song of the Moment|"Happiness" - Goldfrapp.

WARNING|STRONG LANGUAGE AND/OR BRUTAL HONESTY INVOLVED!

It's been three... no, four. Four weeks since Orin was here. I'm in my taking-names mode again. This heart is still recovering, trying to heal...
trying to function...
to think...
to feel...

As I listen to "Happiness", I had to look back on the more chaotic part of the past couple of weeks. Had it really been four weeks since I last saw him? Oh hell, it must've been. It almost feels like eternity; on the other hand, it feels like it was only maybe two weeks ago. The wounds are still fresh and, while I really seem to be doing well within the whim and company of coworkers and friends, I am still afraid to let any guy ever really get close to me again. The closest guy I have in my life now is my beloved Choirmaster, and he's leaving, so it hasn't really made matters that much better.

One can say that, I have truly hit a quarter-life crisis. At this point in time, I am thoroughly convinced that, I truly am not meant to be anyone's someone. This I am realising as the days pass by and the months slowly begin to dull out. I can't heal as fast as I expected myself to. I need more time. I need to make more time for myself. I need...

I need to stop kidding myself. I can't keep convincing myself that someone better will come along, because... because that would only be me kidding myself...

*sigh* I spent at least four hours trying to type this post. I think I'm done with it for the night.

Mending the shattered fragments...

~ me

Chapter 240 ~ Sometimes...

2010-05-16T16:20:00.003-04:00

Song of the Night|"The Sound of Goodbye" - Perpetual Dreamer
[hence why the chapter title is "sometimes"--it's the first word to the chorus.]

If I may be so bold, and so honest... I'm too reluctant to say 'goodbye' to the one person that I truly, honestly, and simply love. While I'm well over the drama from Hikari, there is still one matter of interesting importance that I worry myself now over. And that is, well...

Choirmaster Peter is... well... leaving...

You see, he just got hired to teach full time at the University he's been teaching in as an adjunct. And, it's rough enough that he has to travel a lengthy distance between where he lives and where he works. And it's just as rough because he has a lengthy drive between where he lives, and our Church. He's been our Choirmaster for 11 years now. And now... well... I...

I don't know what words exist for the moment.

I mean, this is the one person in the entire world that, out of all the people I can say that I love, well... he's the only one I can honestly admit that, I am in love with. Without thinking twice or questioning anything. And yes, while there are only so many differences between us, and the whole whims of why we could never be [as a good friend in my Choir has told me, "Maybe next lifetime"], I can't help but love him. He is just a brilliant person, a sweet soul, and a damn good friend. He's inexplicably beautiful, intricately knowledgeable, and undoubtedly amazing. I can't find any better words than that.

Best put, he is the one man in the world who could weave in my memory a melody, and in my soul a harmony, within my heart a rising chorus, and unto my life a glorious opus.

My life wasn't the same since I'd met him... now, he's leaving and... well, words fail. I have already cried a few tears since he read the letter to the Choir, which he'd written to Father Don explaining the situation. And, I'll be honest--I am so immensely happy for him. I really am. The recession has helped him in the nicest way possible. And, on the other hand... my heart is broken.

But, at the least, I have memories. Good memories. Sweet memories. I can smile to myself, even in the midst of tears, because of those good memories. Because of the fact that, I have met and come to know the man I regard as my beloved Choirmaster. Those five years, knowing him, have been nothing short of wonderful.

*sigh* You know I've got it hurtin' when it takes for-freckin'-ever to type out a blogpost Chapter like this. Because, well, I try not to dwell on the bad so much as the good. And really, the good outweighs the bad.

But, I hate having to let him go, because I'm scared that I'll never see him again.

I guess we'll just have to see what this week brings...

~ me

Chapter 239 ~ Where's My Verbal Baseball Bat?

2010-05-12T16:27:00.000-04:00

I am going to give this warning only once: this blogpost contains strong language and was written with a highly-irritated frame of mind. However, please understand that there a few people out there who really need to read this, so they can understand where it is I'm coming from. And yes, today, I am naming names.

Okay, y'all ready? Sit down, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once...

It's fucked up when I can't rant without someone wanting to try to solve all my problems.

Last night, yeah, I had a helluva day at work. I vented a bit for my Facebook status. I actually felt better having let that all out in one simple status.

Not more than a few minutes later--simply because Jonathan, Richard, Daniel, Pouncer AND Clint all threw their two cents in where it really wasn't necessary... I'm back to all pissed off. Because, they need to understand something very important about me. Siren's been very close to ticking me off also, on a slightly different matter, but I will address it in a moment. But first,

--Jonathan, Richard, Daniel, Pouncer, Clint... are y'all reading this? Okay. Pay attention:

If I wanted your advice, I would have asked for it. If I wanted your two cents' worth, I would have asked for it. I was feeling a lot better when I vented on that status, until YOU five all fucked it up, and got me pissed off again. I haven't calmed down since. I am still upset, except it's not so much at my workday yesterday as much as it is over a bunch of guys who think they can throw their two cents' worth and think that I should take THEIR advice, thinking that THEY know what the hell they're talking about.

Understand this, boys [yes, boys, since I can't really consider you guys 'men' at this point]--I don't need your advice. I don't want your advice. If and when I want your two cents' worth on it, I will let you know. I don't care if you all are concerned about me--that's fine. That's what friends do. HOWEVER, I do NOT want you guys to jump right on in and end up only for me to have to redig up the issue, get pissed off at something else, and end up even more upset than I'd originally intended.

Now, Siren--NO, I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH RICHARD. And I'm not going out with anyone, as a side note. End of discussion on that matter. However, I will encourage you to tread carefully with your words, as you've got me on my bad side once again.

And to everyone reading this, mark this as a lesson to all. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Don't make me vent any further than I need to. And--most importantly--keep your damn mouth shut.

[Unless you're among the very few friends, like Skater, Peter, anyone in my Choir (y'all know who you are), my fellow Typists, my coworkers, and the very few that know me well enough and live that advice of mine quite well. You all know who you are. Thankies muchly for it.]

...okay. NOW I'm all better. Finally. Time for a shower and F.A.M. Night.

Saved from a temper-tantrum aneurism...

~ me

Chapter 238 ~ A Prayer for the Morning...

2010-05-06T04:21:00.002-04:00

In the Name of God,
+ Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Amen.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
first and foremost, Good Morning.

You are the Lord and King of all. You made Heaven and Earth, and all your Creation reflects, sings, lauds and magnifies your Glory. We are the work of your Hands, and we sing your praises.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah!
We love you,
we adore you,
we bless you.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
we are imperfect. I am imperfect.

I am a sinner. I have fallen short of your glory--I and all your creation. We are a fallen race. The Precious Blood of your Son, Jesus Christ, has redeemed and sanctified us; and we are washed cleaner, whiter than snow. Still... we are imperfect. We are sinners. And we need your forgiveness.

O Lord, merciful King of Heaven and Earth,
Kyrie Eleison,
Christe Eleison,
Kyrie Eleison.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
I cannot number your blessings, there are so many!

I thank you for the blessings of this day, and the blessings of this life--for my life, my family, and my friends. I thank you for the people I come in contact with, every single day. And I am thankful that I am YOUR child, YOUR Daughter.

O Lord, God and Father of all,
I am counting my blessings,
I am grateful for all You have given me,
I cannot thank you enough.

Dear Lord, my Father and King,
I need you at every day, and every hour.

Give me the strength to endure this day. Bless my family, my friends and coworkers, and the few people in my life that I love the most. Strengthen me to do Your Will, empower me and Your servants with Your Holy Spirit, that we may never be afraid to be the Light of the World, as Christ made us to be--that our Light may so shine before others, that they may see the good that we do, and give Glory to Your, our Father, who is in Heaven,
for Holy is Your Name--
May Your Kingdom come
and Your Will be done,
here on Earth
as it is in Heaven above.
Supply our needs, O Good Shepherd,
and forgive us our wrong words, thoughts and doings--
as we forgive the wrong words, thoughts and doings of others.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from our Enemies.

For the Kingdom, O Lord, and the Power and the Glory
are Yours,
now and for evermore!

Dear Lord, my God and King,
I love you.
I thank you.
And I pray this in the name of my Savior,
He whose Cross I wear,
Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Chapter 237 ~ Healing the Wounds

2010-04-26T20:12:00.002-04:00

Song of the Night: "Ignorance" - Paramore.

So as of right now, I guess one can say that I'm still somewhat... numb. I mean, I have regained much of me, but there are still things that need to be sorted out. For one, Hideki -still- hasn't answered the "Why?" or "What happened?" of it all. And for all I know, at this point, I don't necessarily care anymore. Seriously. Because if he can't give me a reason then, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I'm tipping my hat to my buddies Hikari [dude, I'm so staying over at some point in the summer, we'll stay up playin' RockBand all Saturday night just for kicks!], Siren [see ya tomorrow night, punk, and let me sleep alright?], Sanyun [let me know when you find Cupid--I wanna watch you beat his a$s up!!], Seiya [WATCH OUT FOR THAT LIGHTNING BOLT, DUDE!!!], Great-Auntie Cathie [I am definitely gonna have to use your advice], Chrissie and the gang at Quizno's [Chrissie, I sent the s.o.b. the 'gay question' text--Scotty, we *still* have to hang out--and Raven, yeah, we chicks f@#kin' rock], the majority of my coworkers [y'all know who you are, I don't have to say names], my fellow Frostwind typists [F-Unit, STAND UP!], the gang of Canterbury House [my newly-adopted Second Family... Mondays will never be the same again], my fellow Choristers [one more month, folks], and Choirmaster Peter [once again, your wisdom and good humor has won my nerve over AGAIN] for helping me get my chin up back off my chest. Hell, there's probably others involved in the chaos of my recovery process, but that's pretty much at the top of my head right now. I still have tears to cry, and I'm sure I'll still be stuck wondering all these questions but, for now, I have y'all to thank for helping me get back up off the ground. I appreciate you all, I love you all!

So right now, well, I'm just hanging in there, floating along. I still have some 20 or 30 pics from last Wednesday that I need to sort out and get into another photo album, and I have a new dress which is gonna be worn on Sunday [no Siren, I'm not modeling for you... keep dreaming]. Otherwise, well... yeah... I guess that's about... it...

You know, where the f@#k is Shiori? Maybe I should buy him a round of drinks next time I see him. Hmm. And this is coming from someone who DOESN'T drink!

*sigh* Really. Hideki broke my heart. And he'll be sorry for it. Give it time.

Fed up [for now]...

~ me.

Chapter 236 ~ ...what the f@#k?

2010-04-23T14:53:00.002-04:00

Yes. That's the question of the day--besides, Why?

Now, never mind the tears that blur my sight as I try to type this and make any sort of sense. I mean... what is there left to say and feel when... okay. Wait. Let me start from the beginning...

Once upon a time...

--Monday, to be exact.

Hideki visited me... he went to visit me. Best two hours of the whole damn day. I mean, not that the rest of the day was hectic--but it was a good day. And his visit was the perfect ending to it. All was well... nothing was wrong.

So imagine the shock and sinking heart when I read the following text that he'd sent just minutes before my workday was over today...

"Hey stuff just changed. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more."

How, then... how am I supposed to feel when all of a sudden, this happens? And it's hard not to cry when, in the end, that's all I want to do. Cry. Because in the end, it never fails... I'm the one that ends up with the broken heart. And it only brings me to a realisation that, I am officially afraid to let any guy get close to me. Ever again. It hurts.

Worst of all is, he hasn't answered the "Why?" of it. So, I don't know what the hell is going on.

I let my guard down... I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have let him get close to me, I should've remembered why I couldn't let anyone get too close to me. But what did I do? Stupid as it may seem, I did it anyway--and now... now what? Perhaps, I should've just realised this and yet, no... I was blind and stupid. I loved blindly. And now... well...

look at the mess I'm in now.

All of a sudden, this awesome week I'd been having... misadventures at a Minor Basilica and a Cemetery... a new outfit... that epic 11-hour workday yesterday [which I survived and ended up feeling like SuperPunk]... the leak in the bathroom ceiling being fixed in 12 hours [between last night and today]...

none of that matters anymore, once the heart is suddenly smashed.

And what really stinks is that, I had *just* gotten over this stupid illness. I swear, if it's not one thing going wrong it's something else altogether. But, I guess, that's how life is, sadly. There's no escape from that, is there?

Is this what-all I end up amounting to--a broken heart? A love's failure? Is that what I will have to see myself as? Because, if this is all I've become then, I'll be damned if I ever, ever let a man get close to me again.

*sigh* Give me time. I'll recover. And at the same time, I wonder if I will ever really recover from this...

Brokenhearted...

~ me

Chapter 235 ~ Lying Awake

2010-04-14T14:19:00.003-04:00

Why the title be such? Because that's my song of the day: "Lying Awake" by Our Lady Peace.

In the meantime, not very much to update on. I wasn't feeling quite so wonderful at work yesterday, as I went from not-so-great to not-great-at-all almost overnight. Today, well, I feel a bit better; I am not 100% but, at least, I can function a bit more. [In fact, I'm working on a second Mind-Expansion mix for my Choirmaster as we speak--or, at least, hunting down the tune'age anyway.]

Sooo, I guess that's it, for now. Day off. I haven't eaten yet. And, I'm not sure if I really want to go to discipleship class tonight... not while I'm not entirely, you know, *here.*

*sigh* I guess that's what happens when you're sick.

~ me

Chapter 234 ~ Half a Year Older... but, Wiser?

2010-04-12T21:04:00.002-04:00

I look back on the past six months of being 26 and, well... singlehood, heartache, and death are the main topics. Well, besides the epic work stress but, that's aside from all that mess and nonsuch. Still... it's been an interesting six months and, I have come to a realisation of a few things.

One, first and foremost, Cupid is a @#$%^& jerk. Plain and simple. I feel much like his whipping girl still, even as, while I'm sorta being patient for Shiori-chan, two former lovers wish to win my heart again. And, sadly, this goes on against my whim. I mean, it's great to hang out with them again but, I have realised also that, my heart does not quell among them. It doesn't scream at all for them. And I know my heart all too well to know better than to deceive myself at the heart. I can't simply find myself in the manners and throes of lust anymore--if my heart's not in it, trust me. It won't be there.

Second, Death is, perhaps, my greatest fear... second only to solitude. I am afraid of two things--dying, and dying alone. It scares the hell out of me, the more I hear about someone dying or having passed on. It scares me even more when it happens to someone I know and hold dear to me. The stress and worrying is ridiculous, I swear. But when the sympathy pains hit me, I can't control it--I can't stop it. I don't want God to take it away--only that I can bear it. But when it hits me, and with such a force that stops me... I... I can't help but f@#king panic. It can hit me enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Death is my greatest fear, second to living the rest of my life alone and unloved.

Third, being single is NOT the end of the world. Seriously. And this is coming from someone who's been single for about 7 months or so now. Now, it's interesting, this whole actual singlehood thing. For one, I have a field to play [somewhat], I can flirt with whoever, whenever. And it's fairly mild anyhow, but I keep it fair and friendly. I am NOT an expert flirt. [And if it helps, I get shy and gigglehappy around handsome fellows.] So, yeah. I think I will enjoy my singlehood as much as I can, until I finally do end up [maybe... hopefully] in the arms and heart of some worthy fellow. Maybe Shiori.

In other interesting news... well... I have realised that, while it isn't an entirely heavy-duty love, I can 'fess up that, I am as close to in love with anyone as it's going to get. And... well, you can all guess who it is with. But, if anything, I'll gladly 'fess up that, it's more like an admiration. A sense of quaint'ness and winsome eminates from him. He is the personification of Sweetness and Awesomeness. And who am I but some lowly punk girl, to fall stupendously for my Choirmaster? But... how could I not? And yet, how on earth did I? It was, to say the least, quite unexpected. It's still unexpected. I still don't know how it happened. And, I don't know--maybe this wasn't supposed to happen? I am not sure. But, I do know that, I have come to terms with my feelings for him: it's love--but not romantic love whatsoever. More like an innocent, silly little "I *heart* him like I *heart* my best buddies 4'ever!!" kind of love. A love that comes out of a proper, sweeter, nobler friendship. I don't want my feelings to ever change the friendship that we have, that I cherish immensely. It's been a whimsical five years singing in his Choir, and I can say that, I am blessed to have Peter both as my Choirmaster and as my friend.

Of course... whenever he looks at me and smiles, I end up not knowing how to act. And that's also made for some rather humorous moments, as a matter of fact! Sooo, YEAH! if you ever want to see me stutter and act almost completely stupid, just have him smile at me like it's nothing. And watch me say "Uhm...!?" more times than I can actually figure out... *LOL!!*

Well, I guess that's all for now... I mean, I can slowly feel my nose getting stuffy now. I suppose this means that, I am *finally* coming down with something...? I sure hope not. This means, it's time to get my butt to bed!! [And trust me, Peter would probably be picking on me, big time, had he read this and found out that, somehow, my immune system is getting around to telling me something important!!]

Daydreaming of two fellow gentlemen [hey, it ain't wrong!]...

~ me

Chapter 233 ~ Love... and Lack Thereof

2010-04-07T15:58:00.002-04:00

Sooo, yes. I have had a minor amount of twists and turns as far as this thing called Love is concerned. And, well... I have found myself thinking things over. For one, part of me is thinking, Maybe God *doesn't* want me to be with anyone. Like he would prefer my life being single. At the same time, having reconnected with Shiori [yes, friend of mine from a few years back... remember him?

*plucked from chapter 41--damn, that's an old pic! lol!*

yep, his codename is shiori now. so, sha'up!] last Saturday night, yeah. It's about time I got around to catching up with him more. He has my number. He and I want to hang out. And, well, yeah... I guess I'm just waiting on that call now. But at the same time I don't want to seem desperate... but, getting back to what I was saying! Part of me's all, God would probably prefer me to not worry myself over being with someone. And at the same time, reconnecting with Shiori makes me think, Y'know, God doesn't want me to give up. Just to stop worrying about it. So, I am not sure.

I am, however, sure on this--Hideki-chan... well, I think it's almost entirly safe to say that, I think I am done with him. Yes, he hasn't called me back, or texted me, or whatever. Perhaps I am nothing more than an afterthought in his mind? I am not sure. I will, however, vent in stating the fact that, it's almost way too f@#ked up that, he and his roommates plot up movie nights just about every single Friday night--and yet Hideki couldn't even bother so much as to make plans with me. So, hey! it's his loss now. If he wants to get a hold of me, he has my number; otherwise, I'm pretty much done with him for a while. Because, you know what... it's not fair. It's just NOT fair. And it only goes to show that, perhaps, I *do* deserve someone better, one that *can* and *will* put in an effort to make time.

Don't worry though--as soon as Mommy gets the laptop hard drive and gets it sent over here, then... yeah. My social life's gonna be back in the shelf, and it'll be back to spending time on the laptop and getting creative and stuff. I miss doing all of that. And, at least, that way I won't have to worry myself over boredom. For all I know, I could just spend my eventides at home and not worry over what-all I'm doing with friends. And if someone bails on me at the last minute, I can just stay home and chat with everyone else. That person's loss, everyone else's gain!

You know that old saying. Revenge is a bitch.

Meanwhile... I am still recovering from work last week, and the past couple of days. It almost feels like, I get into one minor scrape, recover from that, only to get smacked with something else. It never f@#king ends. And, sadly, I really don't know what else to do about it--aside from keeping my faith firm in God and leaning on him when I can't find the strength to do otherwise. Not that I don't lean on God--I do, but sometimes it feels like he's not there. But I know he is--he's just testing me. Sadly though, I will confess that, in all my imperfections, I have failed a good handful of his tests. He does forgive me though, but I just wish I wasn't such an imperfect brat. On the otherhand, I don't wish to be entirely perfect--perfectionism isn't my best strength. And the last time I really hated myself for my imperfectionism, I almost killed myself, and that was six years ago!

Aside from that, March is over, and my heart grieves over all the failures and imperfections of that month. I will get over it, and move on. I have better things to do than waste my precious time over people that just won't bother with me.

In the immortal words of the Sundays' "Love", "Just love yourself like no one else..."

~ me

Chapter 232 ~ Storm the Front

2010-03-31T18:27:00.002-04:00

Sooo... another March has come and gone. It's sad though, because this was a month I really had high hopes for. With the exception of Engeki-chan's visit and reuniting with family that I love and miss immensely, and not to mention yesterday's surprise inspection during the first two freckin' hours of my shift [guh... gotta love the stress on borderline-explode] which our store passed, well... yeah. This month has been one of many tears and disappointments.

And it hurts, a lot.

Death's struck three or four times that I can think of; plans I made with friends, in advance, fell through rather badly; stress at work got to me, and I have a burn from Monday morning as a piece of evidence to show for it.

Hideki-chan... well... I don't know 'bout him anymore. I called and left him a voicemail this past Saturday asking if he'd like to get together with me this Saturday, maybe go see a movie or two. [There's two, actually, that I'd like to see--"Kick Ass" and "How to Train Your Dragon"... surprise! Sunny wanna go see movies for once!!] Sadly, well, I haven't heard from him yet, and tomorrow's Maundy Thursday and, I'm pretty much looking forward to what could possibly be a Saturday alone. Again. I think I'll prepare to take another Cemetery Excursion that afternoon, and then go to the Easter Vigil service at Church before heading home to just do *something.* I am not sure what I will do to keep myself occupied but, that's pretty much what things are looking like for the moment unless Hideki can step up his game a bit. It's a shame too... I really like him. And I know that he likes me too but, right now... well... it makes me want to doubt that. And I really, really don't want to have to have doubts about his feelings for me. It just sucks that he's too busy to actually make time for me. Thank his job for that, folks. But... I don't blame him. I just wish that things weren't such a damn strain for us right now. *sigh* We'll just have to wait and see what happens from here.

Meanwhile, I had planned twice to hang out with Siren and, both times they fell through. I suppose I won't go into specifics but, the timing's gone all wrong, and the situations didn't seem quite so proper. So, I don't know. I'm thinking, maybe an I-Bar excursion this summer. When things aren't so crazy and Choir's on vacation. But unless Siren gets over a case of hurt pride [remember Siren--rejection is a bitch. this I know. remember when you dumped me? uh-huh, i thought so. lesson learned, case in mind, now let's move it along m'kay?], I doubt I'll be visiting I-Bar again anytime soon. Thankfully I have plenty of 80's mixes to keep my ears otherwise preoccupied.

And, in other whims... well... Kaguya is my friend again. Yes, Mikey. I have found a codename--it's actually the name I've used for the Starian Union stories. So, anywho, yes, I have reconnected with Kaguya and, to be honest, it's good to catch up with him again. I kinda miss the boy, really. Just sad that, when I look back sometimes, he did break my heart. But, I have since gotten over that minor pain--I'm not gonna let a failed romance kill any possibility of a damn good friendship. I don't know--maybe we'll be together again someday, maybe not. If it's meant to be, then so be it. I have my doubts though... maybe because of my whole stance against the "second chance"-type thing. But, I don't know, maybe some things are worth a second try? I am not sure. And I won't jump the gun on this either... I'm not that stupid.

Aside from Engeki-chan's visit, I've tried to make plans to hang out with friends some four times this month. So far, three of them have all fallen through somehow, through circumstances unexpected. And, the way things are going, plan #4 might end up in the same way with the others. That is fine, however--it just means that, I'm going to start making back-up plans for myself. If I've got something going on with a friend and that falls through at the last minute, I've got something to fall back on and get around to. Determined, me? Perhaps. But, in the end, I'm not going to let disappointment f@#k me up and over. Basically, those who back out on me, will just miss out--plain and simple.

This month marked the 6-year anniversary of my only suicide attempt, and my surviving it. Painful as it seems, it's been perhaps the darkest of my moments, and probably my greatest triumph. I hadn't felt as weak as I was at that moment, when I almost ended my existence. To be honest, I'm glad I survived it, even as there were times when I really wanted to doubt my existence and survival. Because, there'd been days when really did wish I hadn't survivied the attempt. In the end, however, I am glad that I did--because, when you think about it, there'd be a handful of people left behind, and even more that I'd never met and touched the lives of. Sooo, yeah, I'm glad I survived. And I think I'm a better person for it. Yes, I'll have my tears. Yes, life will have many a disappointment. Yes, work's always going to want to beat me 'til it hurts, and people will spite me for God knows whatever reason. Yes, I'll have trying times... but hey. Trials will not have the last word--God will. And in Him do I keep and will continue to trust. Mark my words on that.

Sooo... I guess that's this now-ending month, all in all. Or, at least, my analysis of it anyway. Much has gone on, and I'm not even sure if whether or not I should look forward to April. However, I should. And I am. Because, there's Easter. And the 125th Anniversary of the Daughters of the King [woohoo!!], and... and... crap. I guess that's about all to look forward to for April, right? I mean, aside from Kids Night on Tuesdays and all that... but, still.

*sigh* I think I need to start finding my own reasons to celebrate. 'Cause trying to make plans to hang out with friends [only to watch 'em fall apart] just doesn't seem to be working for me at this rate. More Cemetery Excursions and more plotting for Kids Nights, those seem to be in order for me, enough to keep me mentally sane. Or somewhere close to otherwise-fully-preoccupied. If people want to make plans with me, they need to follow through. Otherwise, time wasted. Back-up plans are now in effect for Saturday--and if Hideki can't step up to the plate, then it's his loss. I can always go celebrate Easter a few hours early.

Fed up with worthless wastes of time...
~ me

Chapter 17.3.2010 ~ Miraculous...

2010-03-17T11:48:00.002-04:00

I never realised how one person could make a world of difference in my life, but I realised this week that... that, it can happen. And it has. So today's Chapter--which is my Saint Patrick's Chapter today [and hence numbered as 17.3.2010 because today is Saint Patrick's Day]--is going to a family member I had never really "met" until this week. Thank you, Facebook. And to Great-Auntie Cathie, welcome to the Underground!!

Now... Hideki-chan, well, work's kinda kicked him in the head. So has life, but definitely work! His roommate--who worked with him... I say "worked" because, the roommate [I'll codename 'im Shimbo] got fired this past Friday. Yipes... that means, more work for Hideki... *sigh* So, that's why I haven't seen him lately. In fact, this Friday it'll be exactly one month since we last got to actually spend time together. Hey, of course I miss him--and I know he misses me too. The most I can do for now is pray that things get better. It just sucks that I feel like I've got my hands tied behind my back most of the time, because I want to do something if at least to cheer him up and... well, I can't. At least, not now anyway. I will have to be patient and wait for now. And sometimes... well, absence makes the heart grow fonder... doesn't it?

In other news, I think I'm coming to some sort of reconciliation with Siren. Yes, Siren. As in, the ex-boyfriend of mine that we all almost love to *hate* Siren. Him. Yes, we've been getting along a bit better--but, don't expect much out of this. He's a friend--nothing more than that. If anything, a friend. I'm still wondering, How the f@#k did that happen? and, I have no answer to that, unfortunately. At least, not at the moment anyway. But, in any case, as long as he doesn't start any drama [because, at the moment, I have plenty enough as is!], things should improve.

Also, this morning was spent with my friend Sanyun [yes, my Wednesday morning breakfast guypal has a codename now, finally] at New Smyrna Beach. While the weather was cold and cloudy, it was still nice enough for a walk on the beach with a cup of coffee. It was pretty nice, to be honest; I mean, I don't get to spend a lot of time with Sanyun, so this morning was pretty cool. And I like hanging out with him too, when we do get to hang out. That however doesn't mean that there's *something* there, however--don't get your hopes up, folks!

And finally, a little something funny from the Muppets. Yes, the Muppets. Prepare to have an epic gigglefit.
"Danny Boy" - the Leprechaun Brothers
[note--if you're reading this on facebook notes and can't see the youtube, go to my profile; i've posted it.]

On that whim, go find and listen to "Swagger" by Flogging Molly. That's my traditional Saint Patrick's Day anthem, and in effect my Song of the Day. It's a damn good song, in my opinion. Not that it entirely matters but, still. It's my opinion. But, thankfully, you don't have to entirely agree with it--go find the song and hear for yourself!

And until the next round... Great Auntie Cathie, I love you! We are SOOO gonna stay in touch!!

~ me

Chapter 231 ~ Emotional Exhaustion FTW.

2010-03-10T10:23:00.002-05:00

Yes, the title should explain it all. I have been, and still am, emotionally exhausted. That summarizes the first 10 days of March. For those who don't know [or don't remember, or want the whole of the sitch], let me fill y'all in. Fasten your seat-belts, because I'm going to be borderline-all over the freckin' place with this.

Sunday 28 February, Roboter's dad [who'd been suffering from dementia for *years*] suffered a stroke and was taken to the hospital, where he went from bad to worse practically overnight. By Wednesday he couldn't swallow anymore, and his ability to function on his own was basically gone. He was moved to the Hospice Care unit and, by Saturday, it was expected that he'd probably make it one more week, at best. But... God called him home Sunday morning. Roboter is beside himself, and I don't blame him one damn bit.

Adding to that, this past Saturday also, [Step]Mom called me... from Ohio... after attending Grams' funeral. Now, who the wheehey is Grams?, y'all may ask. Grams, actually, is my great-grandmother on my [Step]Mom's side. [I really should just slash the 'Step'... seriously...] Mom updated me that Grams passed away last Wednesday morning; in fact, she thought my DAD told me! I'm sorry but, Dad, being Hispanic... the running gag in the family is that, he runs on Cuban time. Almost always late for everything, whether by accident or on purpose. In any case, nope, he didn't tell me. Mom was mad...!!! But, in any case, yeah, Dad called me a while later--he thought Mom told me about Grams! I just didn't care... Grams was gone. And I do have memories of her... I miss her. I still cry a bit about it.

Also, yesterday I found out about the passing on Monday, of an aunt of a friend of mine from back in middle school. The grieving continues. It's all a bit much, to be honest. But, death seems to have hit full-swing this year--7 deaths so far within my Circle of Friends. And it's only f@#kin' March.

Yes, 7. I stated three so far. Here's the previous four that preceeded them.

January -
- Heather's Dad [Andy's grandfather--Andy is my 4-year-old Godson]
- Billie's Grandmother [Billie is my new neighbor]

February -
- Erma's Mother-in-Law AND Aunt-in-Law [Erma is one of my drive-thru regular customers]

Monday night I had a very, VERY good cry. Cried for an hour. It felt like for ever but, I felt much better after all that. I mean, I still feel pretty freckin' miserable for the most part, and I'm still emotionally exhausted but, I'm a tough cookie nonetheless. It's hard not to feel anything, because I'm that kind of person that loves without thinking twice more often than not. I grieve, I suffer, and I hurt--all because I love. So when someone dies... yeah... I can feel the suffering. And it hurts. But by the Grace of God, I don't suffer in vain. And I don't suffer alone.

So... yeah... that's pretty much March so far. Ten days in, and I already wish it was over. And that's a shame, because this month's also the six-year anniversary of when I survived my only suicide attempt. I can't believe it's been six years since the darkest of what I call my personal "eclipse"--it hasn't really sunk in the wanting to celebrate, sadly, due to the death that's hit. And I know I cried a lot of tears so far this week--there'll be more to cry, that is certain. But, I'll be somewhere at the intersection of Mourning and Joyful somewhere... when it does meet. Somehow. And, God willing, soon.

Until then... *sigh*

~ me

Chapter 230 ~ Reckonings and Randomosities

2010-03-03T10:17:00.002-05:00

So today's my day off. Not much has changed, aside from a lot. I haven't seen Hideki-chan in a bit over a week. More than a week in fact. And I know he's been busy. The most I can do is to just pray and watch over him from a distance. I hate how I feel though--it's almost like love. It shouldn't be love, so why the f@#k do I feel so... so...

God, it better not be love. Or else my heart's gonna get freckin' shot. I hate it. I'm scared. And the problem is, when someone gets too close... they leave. Either that or, great person but the timing is just so wrong. And I fear that, it's bound to be more a combination of the two. I mean, I really like Hideki-chan. A lot. It hurts. The most I can do is make the best of it and just keep praying for the best.

Speaking of Hideki-chan, I actually wrote a nice letter today. It was small, only two pages, front only. And we're talking a size of 7"x5", wide-ruled! But, the Boss and I did get to talk for a bit and, I think I impressed him pretty decently. I mean, I'm sure Hideki-chan told him about me a bit but, I felt it was a proper idea to introduce myself to him personally and hand him the letter. All in all, noblest thing I've done all week. I can only hope the Boss has something good to say to Hideki-chan about our little chance-meeting this morning.

...but, we haven't spoken in so long... the silence... hurts...

Meanwhile, today is my day off. Hurrah for Wednesdays. And I get to take on my responsibilities as Secretary in my Daughters of the King Chapter. I have, gosh... some 6 to 8 months' worth of notes to sort out for Chapter President Marcia?? Eh, yeah. Thankfully though, she has a copy of every Agenda for the meetings, so I just need to send her the minutes for all the meetings I have. And luckily, they're not that much anyway--it's pretty much notes and what-all's been discussed. Not too much to sort out. So, I think I just might be able to get it all squared away and taken care of and all that. This might be fun.

And, two songs of note. The first one is the Song of the Week:
"Put the Message in the Box" - World Party

The other is the Song of the Day--and dedicated to my Choirmaster [because, as I'm continuing what I call the Mind-Expansion Project (which was started back around Christmastime), if Peter hasn't heard this (and I am assuming he hasn't heard it!) then, he's in for a nice musical treat]:
"Forever Young" - Youth Group
[song originally done by alphaville]

And on *that* whim and bombshell, time to finally take on the notes from all those meetings. Yes, I just spent two hours on the computer in the current "Underground" [still laptop'less unfortunately], and writing out this post and checkin' out YouTube and clearing out some 20-freckin'-million e-mails and... and...

[SHUT. UP. SUNSHINE!]
...eh, until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 229 ~ FINALLY!! --did y'all miss me?

2010-02-27T19:32:00.002-05:00

Well, first and foremost, Happy freckin' 2010!! New Year, New Decade, and [of course] new mishaps to be had. That said, second, please allow me to apologise for my extremely long absence! The laptop's hard drive went dead [dang f@#kin' nabbit!!] just before the New Year, so I've basically been stuck onto the mobile. [Gee, yeah. Like I can afford it to do that every. single. month?] And, LOTS of drama at work [but it's enough to keep me crazy-busy, surprising enough]. But, enough of the nonsuch--let's get to the important stuff [updates, anyone?]!!

For one, I *finally* 'fessed up to my Choirmaster that... yes, I have a crush on him. And yes, it took a *lot* of courage on my part [because, HEY! Sunny's a coward, don't you know?], but it was worth it. Of course, I made a borderline-complete ID10T of myself--but, not in front of the Choir, thank God! And hey, the Choirmaster was cool with it. So, that's one less worry on my nerve to panic about. Am I happy that I finally 'fessed up? Absofreckin'lutely!

In other news, I have two guys that I really, REALLY like. One of 'em, who visits me on Mondays usually, he's codenamed Hideki. Hurrah for codenames. But, anywho, yeah, I like Hideki... a lot. That, is all I am going to say on that whim, folks!

And as for work, things have gone mighty interesting. For one... well, the weather f@#king sucks. It's cold. Too cold. I am not the biggest fan of cold weather, so being in the Drive-Thru is just... well... horrible. I've been in layers... *starts counting on her fingers* ...carp. Nine layers total. Damn, it's been cold in Florida. And to add to that, I've been having a few Opening [4:15 a.m. - 1 p.m.] shifts too; to be honest, I've been doing pretty well with those shifts. But, it's nice to sleep in an hour every now and then [those who know how my work schedule usually is, will get the idea]!

As for music, eh, not much has changed. No update necessary.

Running out of words and updates for now...
~ me

The Thursday Tradition|Christmas 2009

2009-12-24T13:59:00.004-05:00

Well, after surviving a 5 A.M.-1 P.M. Monday shift, 12-8 P.M. and Kids Night on Tuesday, OPENING yesterday, and still half-asleep after my 5 A.M.-1 P.M. today, I am getting this done and out of the way so I can get a nap in. Happy Christmas Eve, Underground Citizens. I have to be in the Choir Room at 9:30 P.M. tonight. No, I am NOT spending Christmas Eve with the family this year--I'm too tired, too irritated and sleep-deprived. And if I have to go to Christmas Dinner with the family tonight, someone's gonna get yelled at by a rather irked me. And 'irked' is putting that nicely. I'm sorry but... no. Not this year. This isn't the year to subject myself to extra stress on top of the hell and high water I've already dealt with so far. In fact, I think I've been saying "Bah humbug" more than "Happy Christmas" this year--far more. That's a first--it's also pretty scary too.

Sooo, that said, here's a Thursday Tradition filled with YouTubes of music, fun and holiday cheer. Turn up the tune'age. And raise a cup of cheer for me--or at least, try to anyway, if you're as bleah as me.

"Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney
*Old-School Alternation Song of the Week*

"The Chanukah Song" - Adam Sandler
*Dedicated to my Jewish second family. Much love + respect!*

"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
*Favorite version of the Christmas classic*

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - James Taylor
*Christmas Anthem 2008 + Song of the Week*
*Dedicated to family and friends within the Underground, with love*

"Oi! to the World!" - The Vandals
*Christmas Anthem 2007*
*No Doubt did a fantabulous cover of this tune!*

"Christmas Wrapping" - The Waitresses
*Christmas Anthem 2009*

Merry Christmas, with lots of love. Make the best of it, even in face of the worst of it.

~ me

Chapter 228 ~ Some Christmas Lullaby...

2009-12-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

Not very much of an update but, Friday's Hanukkah Party at the Synagogue was quite wonderful. Everyone was very surprised and excited to see me. 'Uncle' Reuven even did the one Kiddush which involves me cheering "L'Chayim!!!"--which was a realisation to those I hadn't greeted before that that, I was back where I was missed. It was a wonderful party, and I can't wait for this Friday, which is the 8th and final Night of Hanukkah. Looks to be most promising and most exciting. It also means, MORE LATKES!!!

Also, today was the Christmas Party with the Choir. Needless to say, the party didn't last long enough--we didn't get to have a sing-along. BUT, I -did- get to play the piano for a bit, and practice for Christmas morning when I'll be playing the Carillon for Susan [who'll be in Chicago to greet her new grandchild this Christmas]. I even got to change before going to the Party, as I decided it was better to dress up for the occasion than to just be a bit on the 'punky' side. All in all it was a lovely Party, and I can't wait for next year's party already. But, alas, another year to go. Still, it was wonderful; perhaps next year, if someone does play the piano and a sing-along ensues, maybe I will get up the nerve to ask my dear Choirmaster for a dance. Not like I would--I'm socially bipolar. I'm such a shy brat. It's almost pathetic. But, still. Who knows...

*sigh* Alas, bedtime already. Long day at work tomorrow, including a Christmas Party at 4 P.M. This could be a very exhausting day...

Dreaming of Dreidles and Friends, New Memories, Music and a Choirmaster...

~ me

Chapter 227 ~ MAAAYDAAAY!!!

2009-12-10T18:14:00.001-05:00

Ah yes, the holiday season. Filled with lights and Christmas trees. Latkes and Hanukkah menorahs [or Hanukyahs, I think that's the way it's spelt. if not, my bad!]. Family time and party time. Lots of music, lots of headaches. Lots of this, that and the other. And enough drama to make me [or you if this is the case] scream--deep breath, all together now,

BAH FRECKIN' HUMBUG!!!

*sigh* There. All better. As long as the neighbors don't ask, "Holy cow what happened to the girl!?" then, hey. All is well. Because it's been that kind of week. Allow me to throw a few verbal snowballs on a few itty bitty little matters.

First and foremost, my extremely evil laptop. It's been uncooperative. And it's been acting up, for a lack of better words. In fact, I think I've pleaded with it quite enough. [Of course, I could be wrong!!] But, while it's being very nice to me *now* I figured, update the Trans-Underground Express while absofreckin'lutely possible. Sooo... yeah. I really wish it didn't have to be a rant-o-rama. Don't worry, I'll make up for it with some good news. But, in order to get to the good stuff, I need to let out the bad stuff too. 'Cause, those of y'all who've read the blog long enough... yeah. We don't need Sunny holding her temper all in. Nuh-uh.

There. That said, on to a more severely irksome topic. Everyone -knows- this one. Work. Yep, the drive-thru of doom as I like to call it. And these days--I hate to admit it but--it's been hell in a handbasket. Between the weather as of recent [wind + rain + cold = ick] and the technology failure as a result of a power surge late Tuesday night, today... at work... eh... yeah. Bad. Very, very bad. There is only one old-school credit card machine in the entire store... and it's in the Back Drive-thru of all places. Which means there's myself, Joey [Mary, the espresso-machine queen--NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH STORE MANAGER MARY... alias Blue Sky] taking the orders... and up to all three Front Counter order takers, in the event that all four of us, at some point, have to take a credit card. Two rolls of receipt paper got changed out, the New System finally got fixed around 1 P.M. earlier today... around the time I was leaving. Irony, anyone?

And lastly on the not-so-good list of random thoughts... well, it's still taking a while for me to snap out of that November slump. Yes, 10 days into December and I still haven't entirely snapped back into yet. I think it's partly because of the weather. One friend reasoned it had to do with my first Christmas being single in a few years [gee thanks... rub it in why not. lol]. Another thought I was overstressed [eh, maybe...? i don't know...!!]. And one other person thought, "Oh, we all go through that, Jenn. Don't worry about it." Uhm, problem is, with me, 9 times out of 10 you -don't- want to tell me not to worry about it because, chances are, I'm SOOO gonna worry about it!! But, back to this. Yeah... part of me is still kinda... uhm... blah. That's it. Blah.

Alright!! now that I've got the bad stuff out of the system, on to the good stuff. Like, a Christmas tree, perhaps! [And I still need to get a pic of the Christmas tree at work posted up here at some point!] The tree [finally] got trimmed and adorned during Kids Night on Tuesday 1 December. The kids made the majority of the ornaments that are up on the tree. I only made a few and had to momentarily get over my fears of heights AND falling to get the Star at the top. All in all, best Kids Night in a while. But if you want insanity, this past Kids Night was that--especially after I decided to extend it. Because, let's face it. It's just downright WRONG to interrupt kids in their Christmas-card-making projects. So, I extended it, ended up with glitter glue all over my shirt [thankfully it was a Super Mario shirt... 'cause I would really hate to have to end up with glitter glue all over my work shirt, which was *almost* the case!], helped kids make cards, and even painted faces of a high school girls basketball team from Flagler County. Alll in all, hilarity ensued. Fun times. Though by the time all was said and done it was 10 P.M. and, I really needed to get home, post-haste... who knew that half an hour later after I left would be the power surge noted earlier during the rants?

Also, this past Saturday was DeLand's annual Christmas Parade. Yours truly walked it... with Rabbit... Blue Sky... some coworkers... and RONALD McDONALD! Yep, Ronald was with us again this year. This time around, before the Parade started, we had time to get pics taken with Ronald, as well as the City of Deltona's Grinch [or at least I did anyway]. We had lots of fun catching up with friends, coworkers, some of our resident higher-ups [one of the Supervisors, and the Store Owners both, were there]. And there was even a dose of danger and adventure because, as we were heading back in the opposite direction, to catch the rest of the Parade, three of my coworkers went to Checkers--I stayed across the street from there. Surprise, surprise--not five minutes later did a fight break out. Cops and the Sheriff got involved. It was exciting--and pretty freckin' scary--to watch from across the street. The Parade was halted momentarily while the scuffle got stopped, and then it [the Parade] was resumed. All in all, eh, not a bad Parade this year but, I'm now concerned about its possible turn-out for next year. We'll just have to wait and see what-all happens next year.

And, lastly, PARTY!!! Yep, three parties in four days. And what looks to be next week's schedule too. Anyone taking notes?

+ Friday 11 December [tomorrow] ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Hanukkah Party at Temple Israel [night 1 of Hanukkah]
+ Saturday 12 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.]
+ Sunday 13 December ~ Choir Christmas Party [after the 11 a.m. service]
+ Monday 14 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Christmas Potluck Party at work [starting at 11 a.m.]
+ Tuesday 15 December ~ Work [12-8 p.m.] - Kids Night at work [5-8 p.m.]
+ Wednesday 16 December ~ OFF!!! [i can breathe for once! lol] - F.A.M. Night on Christmas Break until January 2010
+ Thursday 17 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Daughters of the King meeting [7-8 p.m.]
+ Friday 18 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.] - Hanukkah Party at Temple Israel [night 8 (final night) of Hanukkah]
+ Saturday 20 December ~ Work [5 a.m.-1 p.m.]

WHEW!!! that's gonna be a long week... which, mind, the work schedule is ALWAYS subject to change. If that is the case I will update accordingly. But, anywho... I can but only try to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe I'll do something during Kids Night for Hanukkah... or not. I don't know. If we can get away with Christmas then, why not Hanukkah? I'm sure we can try to make latkes out of French Fries...

--erm, or not?

I suppose that is all for now. I know I haven't been updating on the musicality that is the Thursday Tradition but, as of lately, the laptop's been hating on me. And I'd been too busy, too hectic, and too "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" to even get my nerves together proper. Sooo, hopefully, I should be able to get some music back up soon. Maybe Adam Sandler's "Hanukkah Song" for the Thursday Tradition next week? Sound good with y'all? 'Cause it does for me... I mean, it's Hanukkah after all! And it's a funny song. And... and... it's one of the few great mainstream Hanukkah songs that can get away with mainstream radio. How's that for made-of-awesome?

And on THAT bombshell... time to get ready for my D.O.K. meeting. I'm already late for the shower. Dang nabbit.

Bracing for what promises to be one very long Holiday season...

~ me

Chapter 226 ~ Goodbye, November

2009-11-30T23:22:00.002-05:00

So, alas, another year, and you come and leave me now, November. And bringing with you, were an inspection on week one. Insomnia and misery on week two. Three funerals on week three. A long week of exhausting misery last week. Yesterday you brought a missed moment in being in the Christmas picture. Tonight... you bring back heartache, reminding me of just how truly alone I am, how truly alone I will always be. I hate you... I HATE YOU!

Eleven years ago, you began an almost-six-year fight that would've, should've left me dead. I should not be here. I should not be alive. I should not be existing. Don't tell me otherwise--because you, November, are a liar. I cannot, will not, ever believe you--because I have made that mistake before. And I have been sorely mistaken. I have learned my lesson. And I will never find hope in you, ever again.

You brought me another month of misery. Right now, I miss my Sissy. I miss a few people in my uncommon existence. I am scared that I might truly end up alone... I'm 26 years old... that should be the last thing on my worries, but it's not. All I can think of is, how the hell did I end up so alone, sick to my stomach in misery and wanting to tear myself apart? If I am invited to eat, I don't want to eat, but I eat or else I risk starving myself to death. This pain... while much of it is not my own... the pain I'm feeling right now... I feel so... so...

empty.

That's all that seems to be remaining of me now. Emptiness. A hollow shell. And a dull, aching pain of a headache, of all the tears I've cried this month. I should've cried enough to make a river to drown in. Yes, I feel that empty inside. And there is nothing that you or anyone can do to make me say or feel otherwise. Not tonight. Not now.

So this is my farewell letter to another you, November, as you die and go away for another year. Thank you for leaving me hollow, empty, miserable. As I had always been around this time of year. Thank you for making me look forward to Christmas... in a way that, I won't be looking forward to it this year. Thank you for lying to me, telling me this year would be better than the last. Thank you for convincing me that I belonged, that I was meant to exist, that I was loved... thank you for lying to me, and making me believe it.

November, I hate you. Goodbye.

~ me

*Song of the Week*
"Cast No Shadow" [UNKLE Beachhead Remix] - Oasis

Note to those reading via Facebook: the video is posted on my Wall.*

Chapter 225 ~ The Gloomy

2009-11-14T17:26:00.002-05:00

I hate November. It's the one month of the year I get depressed the most. And it's usually at its worst for the year. I've already pissed off a good handful of people because the stress level went into overload; I can't really get enthusiastic about stuff because I'm afraid something's going to horrendously wrong. And I don't really feel at my most creative... if anything, it's a much darker mood. I don't know...

Part of it has to do with three people that the Daughters and I have been praying for, for a while, who've passed away this week. One of them, Mary Helen, was one of the original Daughters within the Chapter. So, at the moment, I'm kind of in mourning for those three until the last Funeral, which is for Mary Helen, on Thursday afternoon. As a result, there will be NO Thusday Tradition this Thursday upcoming, as I will be attending the Funeral.

Meanwhile, I haven't really had the chance to catch up with Latin-O and see how plans for next Saturday are looking. And, to be honest, I should probably do that, and soon too. Like, now even. I am still hoping for the best, that we will get to hang out again.

Right now... I just feel like... bleah...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #...?

2009-11-12T16:07:00.003-05:00

Yes. I lost count. BUT, it's gonna be an interesting Thursday Tradition, because for the first Tradition in months, it's a good ol' slew of YouTubes. But, trust me. It's all good.

First and foremost, here's a bit of a surprise from Newsweek. And while it doesn't touch on everything, it *does* touch on some of the most memorable stuff that went down in the last decade. Yes, it's almost 2010 already. That said...
The Decade in 7 Minutes - Newsweek

Next up, ah yes. One of those pop-ish, overplayed songs. But you know what? I love it. It was my Song of the Week for last week [despite a 6-day workweek and major temper tantrum from hell]. I find myself singing along to it at work. Yes, don't lie--it's addictive.
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas

From the heart of the Indie Intelligence files, an all-but-forgotten favorite song of mine. And, in fact, it's what I'm considering as my Classic Indie Intelligence Song of the Year for 2009, which I will be doing sometime next month for the final Thursday Tradition of this year--and so much as this DECADE! That said, from the year 1994, a 15-year-old gem,
Skull - Sebadoh

And digging deeper into the Indie Intelligence files, a brand-spankin'-new addition. One of many, actually. But, here's a really interesting one, particularly as the song came out in 1978. Fair warning--it is DEFINITELY not of the usualities within the Indie Intelligence files. All the more reason it BELONGS in the I2 files! All I can say now is, you. have. been. warned!
Warm Leatherette - The Normal

Surfacing somewhere slightly closer to the usualities of the I2 files, is a song that has also been a favorite. Well, more like a favorite of the I2 files' usualities. Great song all in all. Grand classic.
Love My Way - The Psychedlic Furs

Once again, this song surfaces for the first time in about a month or so. And it's a nomination for Anthem of the Year for this year for me. We all know this tune... LOL! And, yes, this -is- the video for it. Sing along, you Underground loons...
Stand or Fall - The Fixx

Now, sing-along done, get your ass up and dance. Yes, y'all read proper. Because this is another new addition to the I2 files--and THIS one, y'all didn't see coming. In fact, this was [and SO is] the anthem to Halloween 2009. And to think this was old-school freestyle musique!! Now, that said, GET YOUR ASS UP AND DANCE!!
Don't Stop the Rock - FreeStyle

And, to close it all up, is the Song of the Week. I *love* this song. And at this point, the lyrics speak up enough for me, especially the chorus. The song is awesomeness. And it's my
*Song of the Week* This and That - Michael Penn

We will return to your regularly-scheduled madness tomorrow. I promise.

Raisin' the noise, raisin' the roof...

~ me

Chapter 224 ~ Change of Heart

2009-11-09T17:20:00.003-05:00

So much has gone on... so much...

For one, today I have decided to say an almost-bitter "Goodbye" without even saying it, to Yuuki. As I haven't really been able to speak with him at all since that last IM almost two weeks ago, and as I am afraid he has moved to New York and--possibly--begun to go on with his life... yeah. I have feared a bit of the worse, and while it's only been about a month since I'd met him, sadly the time arrives to say farewell and move on. Of course it pains me a bit inside, because, hey! I actually liked Yuuki. But, I guess, life dealt us a cold hand. And I have to come to accept it--and, tough to admit it but, I have.

On the other hand, I have found myself wanting to spend more time with Latin-O, and partly because of the kiss from All Hallow's Weekend. While I don't necessarily see myself as betraying anyone whatsoever--remember, Yuuki and Latin-O are [or were?] friends--I wonder if I have to really take up Yuuki's advice to "find someone who can be there." It's not going to be easy but... who knows? And what does Latin-O see in me? I guess it's probably more than I'd realised. However, I don't want to jump the gun on anything. So, here's hoping that maybe, after some three or four years of being friends, maybe there might be something there that wasn't there before. I don't know... we will see.

Last week I survived a very long workweek, complete with an Inspection--which I survived on some five hours' sleep. By the way, we passed. Still though, the week had a way of messing me up and over, especially with my sleeping patterns. Yeah, it was a rough week last week. This week however, my schedule's back to normal so I have my Wednesday off. And that means, more lost sleep to catch up on. More sleep is a good thing, especially since I'd lost enough sleep last week and had to make up for it and, thus, missing Discipleship class AND Services on last Wednesday and this past Sunday. I owe my team plenty. *sigh*

So... that was pretty much last week in a nutshell. I still have much to do before I try to finalise plans with Latin-O for Saturday 21 November, to hang out with him again. Hopefully, well, things go through somehow. *fingers crossed*

Wishing... wondering...
[hoping... and moving on...]

~ me

Chapter 223 ~ Somewhere Between Hope and Confusion

2009-11-02T16:41:00.002-05:00

For the first time in a very, very long time, I confess: my heart is confused.

No, I'm serious. I... I don't know what the f@#k to do.

You have no idea what the Helen of Troy I mean, do you? Well, sha'up and let me talk.

See, right now, I have absolutely no clue on how Yuuki is, granted the situation at present. I haven't really spoken with him since Thursday, and at the moment I'm afraid the situation isn't looking very good at all. For all I know, he's probably just too busy to even have time to want to see me... yes, I know, it's harsh. And perhaps it's cruel of me to think that way but, when I face the reality that... that I'm not going to see him again, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try to make an effort... it makes that much of a difference. This is how I'm trying to handle the heartache. This is how I have to handle the heartache. I... I have to face the fact that it's already time to let him go.

On the other hand... the friend of mine who introduced me to him in the first place... Latin-O... well... he... he kissed me goodnight on All Saints morning. Yes, at around 4 or 5 A.M. Sunday morning. After we finally got back into town from our insane Halloween adventure, complete with dancing, Pac-Man and a near-fight at an iHop. Now mind, this had been the best Halloween I'd gone throgh in quite a few years, and I can't quite remember the last time I had an outrageous 26-27 hours awake straight through. But this... well, this had quite an interesting twist when he kissed me goodnight. And, well, while he's been a friend of mine for some 3 or 4 years, and while I've kinda-sorta liked him all the while, I hadn't really found myself looking at him a bit differently until this past weekend. Sooo... yeah...

Hence, my heart is confused. I mean, it's... yeah... very confused... I mean, how the hell do I seem to find myself thinking of someone else differently, as I'm slowly letting go of another person because real life is so damn cold to us? It's a rather startling--and frightening--epiphany. So, for the moment, I'm just going to keep proper silence and let it all sink in, try to make some sense of it all. Or at least try to make time to make sense of it. Time right now is very, very scarce this week.

This is what my work schedule looks like:
Today: Worked 5 A.M.-1 P.M. and ran some errands.
Tuesday 3 November [tomorrow]: Work [12-8 P.M.] + Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November: Work [5 A.M.-2 P.M.] + INSPECTION!
Thursday 5 November through Saturday 7 November: Work [5 A.M.-1 P.M.]

Sooo... uhm... yeah... tonight seems to be my only free night. Damn. *sigh* It's my only night to get anything done, basically. Between thoughts and work and my busy life... I fear I might not have much time for much else. Probably sleep, IM and eating. And a phone conversation or two, but that's besides the point.

In light of the confusion of the heart... I present the song of the following...

Song of the Week--> "The Boss" - Diana Ross
[This is the Boss D. Morales Remix, by the way.]

Enjoy the tune'age, folks. I have a long week to brace myself for, an Inspection to rock, and a helluva lot to think about.

Confused in the heart
[and that's saying much]...

~ me

Chapter 222 ~ Tempest

2009-10-30T15:30:00.002-04:00

So the washer at work wouldn't start. The towel-detergent dispenser wouldn't start after the washer DID start. The rush didn't stop. A ketchup pump is missing parts. The drive-thru system went absolutely psycho. And that was just TODAY--AT WORK.

And to think that last night's IM conversation with Yuuki was what brought me to that much-needed good cry--because... well... right now... he's facing the possibility of leaving. As in, having to move... out of state. And, it hurts, because I won't be able to see him anymore. I haven't seen him since last Tuesday, when I went to get the hat for my costume... and, I'm afraid that, that would be the last time I'd ever get to see him. To be honest, I haven't cried so much over a guy in a long damn time... last night, I just couldn't stop crying. Didn't even fall asleep until sometime after 11:30 last night, and I still couldn't sleep all that great. Lovely--I meet someone in the area, that I actually like... only to end up facng the very real possibility of losing him. It hurts.

I am doing my best not to think about it, but granted that it was only the start of hell on earth that expanded throughout my workday today, it's very difficult right now. While I haven't thought of the problem much throughout the day at work, it's still a deep-enough wound in my heart. And especially with time running very, very thin right now... I can't really push the matter far enough from my mind. It's far too soon. It's... tomorrow. That's how painfully close the matter is to me. And what sucks is that, I really like him. Now... I get to lose him. Already. It's very nice how life deals a very cruel hand to us now, isn't it?

Latin-O and I will continue on with plans as originally sorted--going out tomorrow after he [Latin-O] is done with work for the day/eventide. Tomorrow night, I am going to make the best of things--or, at least, try to anyway. It's going to be difficult though, because of the emotionally exhausted state I am currently in; however, I am determined to press onward--even if it kills me. I am not going to become Miss Remy Thames for Halloween in vain... especially if Latin-O is going as Ash from the "Evil Dead" movie trilogy. But, I didn't plot up a costume like Remy's for nothing, really...

Wednesday, I won't be having a day off like I usually do. In fact, at the moment, this is what next week looks like. Pay attention--you'll see why:

Sunday 1 November ~ All Saints Day ~ Evensong at 4 P.M., Saint Barnabas Church.
Monday 2 November ~ All Souls Day ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Tuesday 3 November ~ Work [12 P.M. - 8 P.M.] - Kids Night [5-8 P.M.]
Wednesday 4 November ~ WORK [5 A.M. - 2 P.M.] - VISIT FROM CORPORATE! ~ F.A.M. Night/Discipleship class [Dinner 5:30 P.M. ~ Class 6:30-7:30 P.M.]
Thursday 5 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.] ~ D.O.K. Meeting [7-8 P.M.]
Friday 6 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Saturday 7 November ~ Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
Sunday 8 November ~ Church

As of right now, Auntie [that's my new nickname for my First Assistant Manager] isn't sure when my other day off will be yet, but she will be sure to schedule me that second day off. When I know more of when, I will post and update y'all.

In the meantime, I have been having a severe temper with much of the people I have to deal with--in particular one person who said yesterday, "And who the fuck would want to hang out with a blue-haired punk like YOU!?" Needless to say, that's been a major wound in my nerves. Yes, I am more over it. As to the emotional state of the heart, however... that is another story. It's going to be a very long weekend ahead.

Tired, worn out, and heartbroken...

~ me

Chapter 221 ~ The Lonelier the Soul...

2009-10-24T16:55:00.002-04:00

So it seems that, I... I hurt. This week, with the exception of Wednesday, had been a helluva rough one. One that, really, I swear I could almost scream if I wanted to. If I had my way, the earth--or at least my apartment building anyway--would've been shaken by just one scream born of frustration and hurt and tears. There is so much to take on, between having to deal with delayed Crew Trainer meetings [we haven't had an actual meeting since MID-SEPTEMBER!], and always forgetting to restock the Advil for these headaches/knee aches/back aches/whatever-else-aches, and beginning to fully assemble my costume for next Saturday [which, by the way, I still have no plans], and dealing with Drive-Thru and life and Typist's Block and... and...

I haven't had a good cry. I'm so damn overwhelmed. I want to cry but I can't--the tears won't let me. So I've had to keep suppressing them... I hate doing that. I can't keep it all in me, because I'm scared that sooner or later, my inner hurt will get the better of me and, I... I'll end up snapping. God forbid that it be at anyone I hold dear to me, be it friend, family, or even Yuuki. My problem is, I hold it all in for so long, that one day it just... it just explodes. Someone gets hurt. I don't want that to happen--I want to just cry, let it out. Get it out of the way. Let it go and go on with my life. And yet... right now... I can't.

In due time, I suppose, the tears will fall. Until then, I must hope, and stay strong somehow. But, I have to let it out too--I can't let it kill me inside.

Also, I still have no plans for Halloween. Still. I was thinking of another horror-movie night at Yuuki's but, not sure if he or our friend Latin-O are up for it. Latin-O has just finished putting together a crucial part of his costume too. So, I don't know. The last thing I'd really want to end up doing is sit in front of the laptop in chat with nothing better to do, on Halloween. And I'm not up for helping at Trunk-or-Treat at church this year either. So... yeah... this Halloween might actually suck, the way things are looking right now.

*sigh* I am always hoping things will get better. So why do I always feel like I'm in the wrong on this?

Feeling so alone
[as opposed to last weekend]...

~ me

Chapter 220 ~ Stand or Fall

2009-10-19T21:49:00.001-04:00

Damn... it's been a month since I last had a venting moment. Since... since life gave me a chance to actually breathe, let alone get enough for me to stand up on my own again. Still, much has happened, and I believe it's proper that I get some sort of update in.

Ready? All right. Here we go.

First and foremost, as of some two weeks from yesterday... well, I turned a year older. Tonight I am 26 years, two weeks, and one day old. Or rather, young. And it is now mid-October... and cold as hell. Seriously. I'm trying to enjoy the fresh air outside, but it's not easy to without a couple of layers and a blanket. For all I care, we might as well start singing "Jingle Bells!!" [The scariest of it is, it's not even Halloween, and the Walgreens next to my job is already starting to PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS STUFF!?

...uhm, yeah. I think I'd might as well find my Menorah now. When's Hanukkah this year anyway?? And where's my calendar for that matter...]

Second, yes, I am also still kind of single. Yes. Key words: "kind of." It's a bit of a long story but, I'm kind of seeing someone. I don't want to mention names because, God forbid, if Siren reads this [and I'm sure he will, sad to admit] he's probably gonna say something, or start some sort of B.S. which, to be honest, is the last thing I need. And especially after all the crap he's pulled this year so far. Yes, I have not forgotten. And I know there is more to add to what-all he's pulled on me so far but, I refuse to speak about it, and only because it would probably upset me all over again, so I am trying to block it out. But anyway, back to the topic on hand--as for the person I'm kind of seeing, yes, I like him. And the only person, in the end, that I'm making this such a big deal to, is myself. I mean, I have forgotten more or less what it's like to actually hug and kiss someone, dang bloody nabbit!

Now I'm sure that there's bound to be more than one jealous person within the Underground reading this [believe me, there's always one in the crowd at least], and I'm sure someone's gonna be upset about it. But, there is one thing I should let y'all understand. Read this loud and clear--I am not going to let some jealous people break my little dose of happiness. At the same time, however, I will be rather headstrong about it, because I have had my share of the jealous guys who think they're all that-much-better and a bag of potato chips. However, arrogance = absolute turn-OFF. It's bad enough I deal with arrogant people who think they run my Drive-Thru day in and day out. I don't need to deal with arrogant people saying that they're better than the person I'm seeing--that, alone, will result in an immediate "F@#k off" from me. Fair warning. I don't like arrogant people--and those of you within the Underground that know me well enough, know well where I stand with arrogance. I won't deal with it. I *will* dismiss it very quickly. Unless you're among the VERY FEW in the world that can pull it off and get away with it--and trust me there's a few... but, why would I want to stray so off-topic?

So, yeah, I'm sort of seeing someone. I like him. A lot. And I am happy. And if you don't like it, tough. I don't care. I'm happy. I'd rather be happy than be miserable. And the one I'm seeing, he makes me happy.

There. I've said it.

Meanwhile, we've been rockin' the suburbs at work. We even have a new record to break as of last month--138 cars, 12-1 P.M., about a week after my last update. And, another record set, this time my own, by myself, for Breakfast Rush: 115 Cars, taking the order and paying them out. And to think that I'd been trying to beat 111 for at least a year now! Well, I pulled it off, and upped the bar. I want to beat it, but... not now, not right away. And I think it's because, it's still trying to sink in. I think it was last week or the week before... I don't remember... but I did it. It was definitely earlier this month, and after my Birthday. This, I'm certain of. I just wish I had the car count for that morning... dang nabbit.

And in other news, I am trying to make time for friends. More time for friends. And more time for him whose name shall remain silent--trust me, he knows who he is. Especially with the reasons why I won't say any names. I do know, however, that at some point I should find a codename for here. Because, of course, for the most part that's how it usually is within the Underground--codenames, and plenty of! But, for the moment, no names need be said. He knows who he is, and that is plenty enough. Anyways... yeah. I'm just trying to make time now. Time that for the longest time was lost to a relationship that was broken between silence and distance. Time that for a while was lost to a war against an ex who to this day still deservs no respect. Time that, for so long, was lost to life and all its problems, issues, heartaches, battles, headaches, and tears. I'm trying to make time...

it's so damn difficult to make time.

But, I want to make time. There are friends I haven't seen in a while, and there are those I want to see more often. There is so much I want to do, but unfortunately time and circumstance puts me at a disadvantage. Still, I will not falter, nor will I let it hurt me. I just have to make time, and I will.

Tonight, as I sit here, typing, updating on the twists and turns of my life... there is so much in my train of thought. I'm already thinking of another playlist. And I'm still putting my Halloween costume together. There is someone that I'm thinking of, that I'm missing right now. And there is a crazy long day I have to face tomorrow, with a Crew Meeting just before Kids Night tomorrow. There is so much to think about. However, I will not let these things overwhelm me. I am much stronger than I realise... sometimes my own inner strength almost scares me, I'll admit. But, it's surprising, really.

And so, in light of where I stand, and in light of my headstrong opinions on things, this is my song of the night [and where I got the title of tonight's entry from]:
"Stand or Fall"|The Fixx [Song of the Night]

With that all said, I think I am going to rest up for the eventide. Long day to face tomorrow--not like I'm not ready to face it. But, there has been a lot on my mind, probably a bit more than what-all I've mentioned here tonight. However, these are the main whims of the heart and mind tonight, and probably best that I just keep things to how I've got them here. In the end, my heart is my own--and whoever and whatever dwells within it, is for me to decide.

Standing for myself, and what my heart believes in
[which, mind you, is quite a whole lot!]...

~ me

Chapter 219 ~ Postcards from Paradise...?

2009-09-18T14:48:00.003-04:00

Sooo... I'll be honest. I've had a rather hectic week. And 'hectic' is more an understatement than you'd realise. Now since I know there's some of you looking at this going, "Oh, we know. We've read the Facebook statuses and nonsuch..."

oh, no. You don't know. And only a small handful do. So I'm just going to summarise this week in a few sentences, maybe even a few words.

Monday was a nervewreck. Tuesday brought a break-up. And I didn't want to wake up on Wednesday [but I did for F.A.M. Night]. Yesterday was hell [and chocolate syrup on the work visor--don't ask, it ain't funny]. Today... today I'm tired.

Oh and, yes, you read proper. Tuesday night I broke up with Roboter, which I suppose was a while in coming but, it was only a matter of time after the fighting and silence. Now, please, no, don't feel sorry for me. Please. I don't want anyone's pity, nor do I care for it. Break-ups hurt on both ends of the wire, no matter how peaceful or chaotic the moment of shatter is. I'm not gonna lie--I'm okay, I'm a strong girl. But [and hear me out when I say this] break-ups are a bitch, plain and simple. Not like I don't miss him [eh, I do, but just a bit] but... this is for the best. Better to lose the relationship than to lose the friend.

As for yesterday, I suppose I can explain the chocolate syrup incident. Here's the sitch--I was in the Front Drive-Thru area, multitasking between taking orders and helping in making drinks. I was about to start making a Hot Chocolate, and I'd just put in the chocolate syrup and... I swear, I've no idea what the Helen of Troy happened but, between trying to avoid my coworker Mary's elbow, and my trying to pay attention between the drink and the order on the Speaker... the next thing I knew, *THUNK!!* the cup dropped from my grasp [damnit, how!?], hit the floor, and chocolate syrup went *everywhere*. Got my face and under the brim of my visor. Boy was that a laugh... well, Mary and I got a light laugh out of it, but the rest of the day [I'm not even gonna go there either] brought me to a crying fit with Manager Carlina in the Managers' Office. Yeah, yesterday was that bad.

So... that's just about the gist of things here on this front. That's the current State of this thing called Me. I'm just... bleah. Plain and simple. And it's even so much as affected me with my RP, as I'm really going through a rough Typist's Block right now, with another Typist conflict in the Forum which I am not going to go into. All I can say is, it's added to the slight bout of "Meh" that I'm in. So, yeah, all of a sudden... I don't feel so freckin' great anymore.

No, don't give me your pity. I don't want it.

~ me

Chapter 218 ~ Labor Day and a Long Week

2009-09-06T14:45:00.002-04:00

Sooo, for those of us American Underground Citizens, Happy Labor Day!! Enjoy the day off [or short day, or just plain enjoy the day if you have to work]. Get some sun, chillax, and all that nonsuch!

Now, that done, a few updates are in order...

This is what this week looks like. No, don't take notes; just, pay attention, because for you fellow Frostwind typists, that's determing my RP time this week. Not to mention, it's a major slight loop. Y'all ready for this?

Today ~ Labor Day. Payday. Banks are closed [dang nabbit]. Worked 5 A.M.-2 P.M.

Tuesday 8 September ~ Work, 1-8 P.M., with Kids Night 5-8. Will be running a few errands prior to work.

Wednesday 9 September ~ WORK: 5 A.M.-1 P.M.; F.A.M. Nite resumes, 5:30-7:30 P.M. at the Church.

Thursday 10 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M., Crew Trainers Meeting 4-5 P.M., Daughters of the King meeting 7-8 P.M. at the Church.

Friday 11 September ~ Work 5 A.M.-1 P.M. And hopefully some RPG time at long freckin' last!!

Saturday 12 September ~ D.O.K. Fall Assembly in Melbourne!!! *happy dances* This would pretty much be *the* big Daughters adventure of the year for me, and my first one since my Installation as Secretary last week. Yes, I will be taking lots of pics, and might even get to do a big ol' pic blogpost. Not sure as to when though, but when it's posted, trust me, y'all will know! *grin*

Oh and, just so everyone knows, Roboter DID apologise, and all has been sorted, so all is well again. Thankfully. Now we'll just have to see what happens; hopefully he'll be able to actually take the initiative for once and actually do something, like... oh, call or text me first? Well, as I said, we'll see what happens.

And on THAT bombshell, and For His Sake...

~ me

Chapter 217 ~ Some Small Self-Betrayal

2009-09-05T17:03:00.003-04:00

So... just now... I sent someone a text... that I didn't want to send him that text but, that I wished him a Happy Birthday, that I was sorry, that I love him.

But, that's all I said, and that's... that's probably all he's going to get from me unless he opens up and stops shutting me away. I... I really didn't want to send him that text, mainly because I've been rather upset with him, and because I've been prefering to wait on HIM to do something. Anything. He's 27 years old for crying out loud...

*sigh* So tonight, I'm in the company of a few fellow RP typists... cue a special "Heylo!!" to the fellow Frostwind typists who are reading this. But anyway... tonight it's the only way I'm gonna have to keep from crying like an emo on a bad hair day. [Don't ask as to where the Helen of Troy I got that from.] Or from doing something stupid or irrational. Or God only knows what.

Also... Choir's back in the whimsical swing of things tomorrow morning, and Fam-Night at Church starts up again this Wednesday. Perhaps, with the mess of things that I've landed myself in, these will keep my mind distracted and my heart busy. Or is it my heart distracted and my mind busy? I am not sure... in all of this madness, I really don't know what else to do anymore.

I want to save this. I don't want to lose Roboter. So... what now? Because if I have to call him... just to talk and settle this... fair warning: the Red Flag's gone up. It's not going to be a most pretty talk... things might not even end well. And it hurts when I feel as if I've given more than I can give... I fear that, I have given enough. More than enough. I mean, I'm walking on eggshells and broken glass now just for his sake [I mean, not literally but, you get the idea]...

I just want him to understand what I'm going through.

Yes, I'm not perfect,
I'm annoying sometimes.
I can be rather irritating.
I can even be b!tchy
[but by damn, I give a fair warning].
I'm sometimes emotional,
I'm sometimes emotionless.
I'm a punk, and a princess.
I'm a sinner, and a saint.
I love... because it's better to love than to hate.

And I... I deserve better.

"I'm getting pretty tired of living on hope..."
["What About Love" - 'Til Tuesday]

Now, granted that I'm feeling much better now considering that I've actually vented, and considering the implications and circumstances, and bracing myself for the consequences of speaking out so loud and so out of turn... I am going to mend this
[shattered
smashed
bruised
cut-up,
slashed-up
gutted
hanged
burned
scarred
bleeding]
broken heart.

The Red Flag has been raised over my heart. I don't want that Flag over my heart. I want to mend things. But I can't if he won't let me. And if he's not going to let me... then I'm not going to try anymore. Fair warning.

Wanting to Fix What Had Been Broken
[and yet, bracing for the worst]...
~ me

Chapter 216 ~ ...there. Better, but Still Missing.

2009-09-04T21:09:00.003-04:00

Okay, after a few songs, and a few laughs [thankies much to my pal Berty for the YouTube of "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus... and to you haters, sha'da'hey'up!!], and a LOT of ranting to my friends... I am feeling better. However, I still feel rather hollow within, and I think I realise why. The only problem is... does he? Will he? Because I've already pissed off enough people, and the last thing I need to feel is that I've pissed off the one person I love, enough for him to not even... so much as forgive me.

So there, I've said it. I'm still broken, and it's gonna be a while before I regain the last of the missing fragments of what is known as Me, before I can be my regularly-scheduled self again. Of course... unfortunately, the Month of Chaos is also in effect... yep... you know what time of the year it is. One month to my Birthday... and that's usually when all hell breaks loose.

*sigh* So... I guess the only thing I can say now is,

Happy Birthday, Roboter. I love you. I'm sorry.

And if he can't even so much as let me know as to where I stand with him... then perhaps I am not worth his time, nor his heart.

No, I am NOT airing dirty laundry out [again, sha'da'hey'up], but... if I hold it all in, it's going to kill me. And since I really am tired of always having to call him... actually, I tried to call him Tuesday night, got sent straight to voicemail. I haven't tried to call him since... because... because I am tired. I am sick and tired of having to be the one getting stewed at. Because I am sick and tired of always having to be the one calling when something goes wrong between us, only to get shoved straight into voicemail. I'm sorry but, the last time I heard... IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!!!

*sigh* Okay... I think I've said my piece for the week. But now, things are crucial. And if this doesn't get through to him... then I fear that, I may have truly reached that unwanted crossroads.

I'm just... sick and tired of everything. Of the madness at work. Of the headaches of family life. Of the pointless politics. Of my fragile heart having to be in a damn limbo again.

Sooo... yeah... I guess what's been missing from this thing called Me... has been my heart. It's a sickening epiphany, given the conversations I've had this week with everyone. However, I am sick and tired of pretending that everything's fine when it's not.

Yes, Roboter--I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY! TRUST ME!!

--sorry, yes, I needed to use the Caps Lock. I needed to scream. To cry. To stop giving a damn about feeling like a damn failure in trying to set things right. I'm... I'm tired...

The worst feeling in the world is to not be forgiven. And as a friend told me earlier [thank ya's Mel'roonie],

Well this may sound very stereotypical, but if he REALLY loves/cares about you, he'll forgive you. Because we ALL know that we're just human, and we're all gonna say/do things we dont mean, or make mistakes. One can only hope that the other person will give us the chance to be forgiven. As long as you apoligized, really thats all you can do, unless you wanna be all sappy and do something crazy like play the guitar on his front lawn.

By the way, playing guitar on his front lawn... that's not going to happen. Be sappy, me? Yeah, I'll be sappy, I'll even mope for maybe a week. But sitting on the front lawn playing the guitar? Uh... no. Not happening. But y'all get the idea.

To everyone reading this, I do NOT really want you guys to take sides. Don't. That might make matters worse. But... just... hear me out [or read me out, but y'know what I mean]... because I'm sitting here crying as I type this. And when I'm done typing I am going to bed, I am going to cry myself to sleep, and wake up to take on the whole bloody world again tomorrow. God forbid I piss anyone else off... I've already caused enough crap for the week. And I really don't need anymore madness crashing down all over me... I don't need it.

*sigh* Okay. I am... I guess... a bit better.

I can only hope now that Roboter enjoys his Birthday tomorrow, for what-all it's worth. It's his day... he should be happy about it. It's his day...

Trying to Repair the Broken Pieces
[and getting my fingers cut in the process]...
~ me

Chapter 215 ~ Missing...

2009-09-04T15:37:00.002-04:00

Today, after a rather rough week, and not even cheerful in the midst of Choir starting up again and my being Secretary of my D.O.K. Chapter... part of me feels missing. Terribly missing. I don't feel sound, I am not myself. And it hurts. This heart is breaking in the worst possible manner. It... it sucks. It really does. And mind you, it's one month to my 26th Birthday and, to be honest with y'all, I am not really looking forward to it, given the way things have been this past week.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just... I'm just tired. Sick and tired of damn near everything. Part of me wants to scream "Bah f@#king humbug!" and yet, I can't. And between the health-care controversy with the so-called "death panels" [yes, I heard plenty enough about it] and the headache and a half at work [especially with tensions rising, big time, between Manager Carlina and myself] AND perhaps the worst bout of a broken heart... I've come this close to screaming that I've damn-near had it.

*sigh* The longest month of the year has begun. Lovely.

Sooo, for those of us who's missing some part of ourselves... including myself... this is dedicated to us empty souls.
*Song of the Week*
"One of Our Submarines" ~ Thomas Dolby

Trying to find that missing piece of...
~ me

Chapter 214 ~ What Have I...?

2009-09-01T22:23:00.003-04:00

In the immortal words of the Pet Shop Boys, what have I done to deserve this?

Welcome to September, fellow Underground Citizens. Unfortunately, it's rained most of the day, and Kids Night tonight was a borderline disaster. Add a conversation with Roboter that ended on a sour note--MY FAULT [I mean that]. Needless to say... I want to cry and yet, I can't. All I feel is... glum. Just, glum.

As if the day wasn't bad enough, I ended it on the worst note possible. My words got me into trouble with Roboter. I didn't mean to be so crass to him... *sigh*

I think tonight... when I finally do get to cry, I'm gonna cry for what-all it's worth. I just hope Roboter realises that, I had a bad day, and I never meant to take it out on him. Or anyone, for that matter. But with what-all I just got myself into, I don't think I'm quite so excited about Choir Practice tomorrow night anymore... let alone the Installation of Officers in the D.O.K. on Thursday Night... when I'll be installed as Secretary for my Chapter...

*sigh* Where the hell did I put the Kleenix?

~ me

Chapter 213 ~ Decisions of the Heart

2009-07-26T17:57:00.001-04:00

So yesterday afternoon was well spent with two of my *newfound* best friends [yes Kit and Sissy-Boo sorta got replaced], and as I got back home last night after hanging out with them some 6-7 hours, and had just answered Roboter's text from 4:some-odd P.M. and not heard from him since, it got me thinking. A lot. And perhaps more about my priorities than much else.

That said, I have come to a proper decision--first and foremost, my main priority, my loyalty is to God, and GOD ALONE. No one else has top priority, and yet everyone else wants to take that position. Unfortunately, I will confess, I have been finding my first month as a Daughter slightly difficult [and then again being a child of God's never easy to begin with], and it doesn't help much that my mind's been a bit sidetracked. Work, family, Roboter. And not a lot of time for friends--especially my RPG family in Frostwind. And yet, I need even more time for God, and that alone isn't easy. So with this I will be reaffirming my duty to God as a Daughter of the King, and while getting back on track ain't gonna be easy, I refuse to give up on the work that must be done on Earth, while I still have time.

My second priority, is family. Sunday nights should be spent with family, dinner and such. Unfortunately the past couple of weeks since I returned from vacation has seen me slacking in my duties as the oldest of four children, mostly due to the fact that, there hasn't been enough time or the circumstances just weren't there. I need to bring myself back to proper basics, and that means more time spent with family. Dad, [Step]Mom, Small Lady and Jester all miss me. I miss them as well, and will do my best to make up for lost time with my family. For all I know, they're the family I have now.

My third priority, I have realised last night, belongs to that of my friends and, this includes those in my extended circle of Starian Knighthood--Pouncer, Skater, Rainbow Punk, Lin-Lin, Sora-chan, Echo, Revolver: If y'all ever read this, THIS INCLUDES YOU TOO!! It has been far too long for some of us [Echo, Sora-chan... two years at least, anyone?], and I know it's been even longer since I last saw Revolver [dude, you owe me a visit, remember? lol]. I can only hope that, somehow, I can keep in touch with the extended circle of StarKnights; occasionally I talk with Pouncer, and every now and then I'll run into Skater somewhere in town. Lin-Lin still is and will always be my Second-in-Command, been that way since the StarKnights were assembled. And hopefully Rainbow Punk is STILL somewhere in the vicinity of the area... God willing and the creek don't rise...

I've also officially, as of last night, included my RPG extended family in Frostwind, especially since I have five characters [2 Nephilim, 2 Garou (werewolves), 1 Corax (were-raven technically but he turns into a bluebird)], and FW has become my only actual creative output. Between the storylines I've taken part in ["Flight of the Harpy" anyone?] and the many ways I've made use of my artsy skills with the GIMP, and not to mention my recent being a part of the Typist Mediation Committee... yes, that has been what my creativity has been swirling into as of lately. It hasn't been easy either, especially with my work schedule and all, but it has been my only main way to express myself in a way that won't make me feel so weighed-down by everything else. In all honesty, I am an RPG veteran of some 7 years, but I've never found myself more creative now than ever, in the 4 months since I "arrived" in Frostwind.

My fourth priority, is work. Yes, my schedule is a bit of a mess right now [and don't even begin to ask what this week upcoming looks like either!], but I make the best of it. It's not like I get to leave on time--I don't count on that anymore. 1 o'clock P.M.? Me out on time? Forget it. Not while we're still slammed from Lunch Rush, and that's fine. But I try to sleep when I can, which is another big part of this priority, because of the time I'm usually in at work [5 A.M.] especially. I haven't really slept a lot since I returned from vacation [yes, I *will* get to a vacation '09 post in a few days or so, still have to sort out the rest of the pics and finish getting caught up on everything else], and that's mainly because a lot has happened at work, which in a sense affects me. So basically, I'm still out of the loop, and on top of that I have a meeting Thursday afternoon at 3 P.M. [omg, when was the last time there was an actual team-leader/crew-trainer meeting? yeah, if i don't remember then it's been *that* long...] so, time will be very limited between 1 P.M. and the D.O.K. meeting at 7.

My fifth priority, is Roboter. And this I placed last, and I'll explain why. It's hard to find any heart in an otherwise heartless world. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I really do. But sometimes one falls under the whim of lust... and as of this past April, since the visit, I've come to realise that, I am highly anxious and half-past-ashamed of myself when the thought of lust crosses my mind. Yes, I love him. No, I don't think of him *that* way anymore--for one, his visit back in April, has affected me. Big time. I mean, I did all I could, tried and failed, to get him out of his state of anxiety. When he's in that mood, I am not. And I haven't been in a while, to be honest. Especially with my new responsibility as a Daughter, and I can't... I can't get myself to think of him in that way. Yes, the visit has affected me *that* much. It's hard to even talk on the phone or even answer a text, in the back of my mind I'm thinking I'll end up saying something to trigger his being in the mood. Words are one thing--actions are something else altogether. The closest I ever get to any sort of lust-esque mood, is when I'm RP'ing in Frostwind [and that only happened once, BEFORE I became a Daughter, thank you very much]. And yes, he's sorta nitpicked on me a bit about my being online more than talking with him. The main problem is... my feelings for him have changed somehow. My sexuality has been well-subdued between the visit and my becoming a Daughter, big time. I mean, yes, I'll have the occasional minor glimpse into that side of me, which nowadays, when I look back on it I think of the exes, and I almost want to rip myself apart at that. All of this and more... as you can see, this is why I actually haven't noted much on Roboter, and while things are a bit back to normal [back to work and the busy rush of life], it's not the same anymore. I just have a hard time wanting to call him, having to debate within my own nerves about it. I... I can't get around to doing it. And when I do try to call him, the timing ends up wrong. Somehow... I'm afraid I have reached a standstill in the relationship because of this, and I don't know what the Helen of Troy to do about it.

I love him. I just don't dream of him in such a manner that would degrade my soul anymore, is what-all I'm trying to say. And this is something I will have to deal with, and soon, I'm afraid. I mean, I can't subject myself anymore to such wanting to just... to just rip my soul at the seams just because of something called lust. But I need to make a better example of myself, and if I am to think of my priorities better, I have been and must continue to think proper thoughts of my duties instead of thoughts that would've cooperated with his minor bouts of the lustful state of human nature. Because if I did... I would have said something that I would've badly disciplined myself for later. I don't even look back on past phonecalls borderlining on this anymore... I have realise, This isn't how a Daughter would think on someone she loved. I just wish I knew how to approach this... perhaps this is the best--no, this is the ONLY way I can address it; I have been so afraid for so long to address this--especially since it was ME who started on all of this a good handful of months ago. [Yes, borderline-confessional here, now sha'up.] I can only hope now to God above that he understands this, and as to why he has been last on my small list of priorities proper.

I feel a lot better after this little confessional of the heart. It's difficult to be me now. I wear a silver Cross of a religious Order, take on the world in a Drive-Thru, and try to make a better example of myself somehow. Yes, I know I can pull it all off and still be a loyal family member, friend, and girlfriend; however, it is not easy when society tries to have its way with me. Yes, I've had one hell of an illustrious past, I won't lie. I'm not perfect--I'm as much as good as the next sinner. However, that doesn't mean I can't try to be a better person; I sometimes hate myself for being imperfect, but it's not so bad to the point that I'll end up wanting to end my life. No, it's not that drastic, nor anywhere near it, and that is why I'm saying what I'm saying now. In a sense, I am a post-modern Mary Magdalen, a post-modern Margaret Cortona. This is my confession, this is my penance for being neglectful to my duties, my responsibilities. My priorities. And I need to get my behind back on track.

At the moment, these are my main priorities. I know, some of you might get upset at the way I prioritize, and that is fine, it doesn't affect me all that much. If I didn't prioritise my life the way I did--God, family, friends, work, Roboter--then, somehow, I would've really lost it altogether. I can't do this anymore. In fact, I've lost sleep over that, my lack of priorities as well as losing sight of which priority was most important.

So, in closing... I'm going to pray this. When y'all read this, please... think kindly of me...

Eternal God, you created me in your image to live in harmony with all creation, but I have strayed from your laws and commandments. My sins againsgt my neighbors have brought disharmony into your kingdom. My silence does not witness to your love. I pray, God have mercy on me and forgive my transgressions. I will be restored by your grace to live life in peace and to the honor and glory of your holy Name. Amen.

F[or] H[is] S[ake...] ~ me

Chapter 212 ~ For His Sake...

2009-06-15T16:17:00.002-04:00

So, things entirely improved with Roboter and I. Surprisingly, after all was said and done, especially considering this, the mark of 8 weeks full of studying, lots of praying, and perhaps the longest month full of grief leading up to this.

Yesterday, summed up in one picture:

So, yes, that IS my Cross. I am officially a Daughter of the King now. Imagine my tears and thrill when Roboter congratulated me over the phone. After the longest month, the biggest encouragement is when you're surrounded by friends and loved ones when you take up that Cross. And it's not going to be easy being a Daughter--it never is when you're a Child of God. But, God is in my corner, and I shall be as best diligent as possible in my perseverance of upholding my lifelong vow of Prayer, Service and Evangelism. I'm sure there'll be some people who just won't comprehend it, and I'm sure there'll even be some people against it--perhaps even upset--with the decision I have made and the step I have taken. Yes, I'm a post-modern day nun, and the only mark I have to show it, really, is that very Cross... which right now is pinned on my uniform. [Yes, it's a pin/pendant. How cool is that?]

So, I'm still celebrating the fact that I've taken a big step in my Christian path. Whoever said punks can't be Daughters just got PWN'd...!

*sigh* I'm quite happy. These past three days have gone rather interesting but, all in all they've been the best three days [Saturday, yesterday and today] in a long while. The few that know of my being a Daughter [even though I wanna tell it to the whole freckin' world!!!] have been whimsically humored enough to share in my joy.

I can't help but be happy. Very, very happy. And I can't help but share that joy around.

And on that bombshell... until the next round,
and For His Sake...

~ me

Chapter 211 ~ Untold Joy: A letter to Roboter

2009-06-13T22:28:00.002-04:00

Roboter... if you EVER do find this...

...where... where are you?

We haven't talked in days. It seems almost like forever, the last time I told you I loved you. But now, I don't know where you are... you won't tell me anything. I don't know what to do... because you're what stands in the way of an otherwise good week. Hell, I've been looking forward to this weekend...

Today, busy day at work. And yet everything went so well. I wish I could tell you all about it. But... no... not a single word from you.

Tomorrow... I'll be a Daughter of the King. I'll be bravely wearing my Cross of the Order. I might even take pictures. I...

I want to tell you all about this. But... I can't, because you won't let me.

This little Captain's life is at a quiet standstill. I went through so much, sacrificed as I could, to scrape time for us. And now... oh, I have time.

I HAVE TIME.

But now... I don't have you. Why...

why?

Was it something I said, something I did? Did Siren, that jerk... did he say something, did he do something? Did something happen? I don't know... I DON'T KNOW. And I can't fix whatever happened--if it can even be fixed--because you won't let me. Because I don't know.

*sigh* I don't know what to do... as this is now the one matter that brings down an otherwise joyous occasion such as tomorrow.

So, that all being said, I will put matters this way:

I am done worrying. Unless you want to see me cry, half-sickened to death just because of a good long time of silence. I have things to concern myself with, and the few friends who DO know of this, because of my being able to let them know of such... they are now the lifeline that you once were.

If you want to talk, I don't care what it's about, you have my number.

I feel better now, saying what needs to be said. Roboter, I don't know what's going on... I wish I knew. I wish you'd tell me. But since you won't... and because I've tried time and again, all in vain, to get a hold of you... then I will not press this further. Whenever you need me, you know where I am.

I'm sorry. And I love you.

~ me

Chapter 210 ~ How the hell!?

2009-05-15T15:32:00.003-04:00

Yes, I know, I still need to put together a now-belated Thursday Tradition but, as this week has been a major thorn in my nerve... yeah. Between the fact that Sissy-Boo is no longer working, and having found out yesterday of two different yet still shocking news [which I will address, by the way], and with work being a totally chaotic situation now, I am just plain stressed out. With that comes the lack of enthusiasm for yesterday's Tradition spotlighting on Oasis, I didn't even have time to sort out the discography together at all! Sooo... yeah. Just so you all know, I will be posting the Tradition sometime this weekend, hopefully by then I should be better sorted.

First of yesterday's news to be addressed, a good Jewish friend of mine passed away a couple of weeks ago. His widow, back in December for Hanukkah, gave me a Star-of-David pin, which I proudly wear because of my Jewish friends, as well as my Jewish stepdad. This weekend however, I wear it in my friend's memory. I mean, I knew he wasn't doing very well, he'd been ill for a while but... I didn't think it was this bad. Hearing about his passing really broke my heart.

The second of yesterday's news to be addressed is, my best friend Kit is moving. To Michigan. With her boyfriend. And, don't get me wrong--I'm happy for her. But... why? Why? After not hearing from her in so long, and even during Roboter's visit, we hardly even hang out anymore. To hear from her again... at first I thought she wanted to hang out with me, which I was all for and everything. But then when I read her text... oh my God... I wanted to cry... and I still haven't had a chance to cry, because inasmuch as I want to cry, for some ungodly reason, I just can't.

Work has been hell since Sissy-Boo's 'resignation'... I have to work next Wednesday through at least Sunday 24 May. I have a very sick feeling in my gut that my Sundays may end up into the work slaughter.

Losing my two best friends to two different situations, and the recent passing of another death, and stress at work... all of a sudden I'm just not excited for my four days off anymore.

And on that... --oh hell. Never mind. I'm really not in a grand mood. Never mind about that bombshell... *sigh*

~ me

P.S. A warm welcome to my fellow roleplaying typists from Frostwind. Yes, I will get around to posting something about Frostwind at some point...

Those not quite in the loop... don't worry. You'll know.

Chapter 209 ~ And as if that wasn't enough...

2009-05-11T16:19:00.002-04:00

Sooo... drama ensued. For one, let my little introduction be as follows...

Saturday afternoon I was asked to work yesterday morning, 5-9 A.M., which I did. Sissy-Boo was supposed to be in at 5 but, she wasn't. I didn't question though.

Now, the reality and result of that was...

I should have.

Turned out, much hell ensued after I'd left on Thursday. I should've known something worse would've gone on throughout the day--it was hell enough to begin with, and of all days it was National Day of Prayer. But, our friendly neighborhood Inspector [who's pretty cool with me, mind you] paid Store Manager Joel and Supervisor Chris a visit... and Inspector wasn't happy. Or so I heard from one.

Meanwhile Manager Rabbit had been sending orders left, right and center to Back Drive-Thru, where Sissy-Boo was taking over for me after I'd left. And, needless to say, and as I told Coworker Anne, "Rabbit broke her." Broke her spirit, broke her nerve. Between that, the stress, and the three outside the Drive-Thru... Sissy-Boo snapped.

According to Sissy-Two, she called and said she "resigned."

And, here comes the intricate piece of the matter--Sissy-Three [yes, another Sissy I've adopted] told me that Inspector had told her, and I quote, "Don't tell Sunny yet." Perhaps because... he probably knew how I was with everyone. How I would've felt a bit fragile, helpless and hurt inside for a while if I found out. And that's the state of how I've been for the better part of the day. That and stressed out, because I ended up staying a couple of hours extra. I am rather exhausted at this point.

Sooo... that's been the current state of matters on my end, work wise. I miss Sissy-Boo already, and what makes matters worse is that her phone's been turned off. She won't answer Sissy-Two or Kels' phone calls or texts, so on top of missing her I'm also worried about her. I don't know what else to do other than to prayerfully put her in God's hands now; I just hope she's okay.

*sigh* I guess some things probably should've been delayed knowing about after all. Inspector was right giving Sissy-Three that advice... she shouldn't have told me yet.

And on that bombshell... until the next round...

...meh.

~ me

Chapter 208 ~ A Slight Minor Conflict...

2009-05-08T18:23:00.002-04:00

Well, that did it. Siren has forced my hand, so I'm giving everyone a fair warning.

If I, for the next handful of days, seem rather tense or upset, and I snap for some ungodly reason and not mean to [which, hey, it's gonna happen unfortunately], or if I even go off the handle... it's his fault. Because now, he's not only no longer a StarKnight... he's what I would consider an enemy to the Union and the Underground.

So, just... be careful with what he says or does, everyone. Because... well, remember Chapter 205? When I noted this...

Oh and... I am officially happy to say that, Siren has FINALLY realised that, there is no such thing as a second chance for him! Oh don't get me wrong--do y'all have any damn clue as to just how long it's taken for him to realise the fact of the matter that, I don't love him anymore! At all! But he sure wanted to try to throw some two cents early on last week before trying to pursuade me to consider that second chance. And I'm sure he must've thought I wasn't serious when I told him "No" at least three times... but, as I haven't heard from him since Monday afternoon, when I told him that I don't trust him with my heart anymore [which, as y'all know, is SO true], I think it's safe to say that I finally got through to him. That, as of now, has been the biggest accomplishment of the time Roboter was here, hands down, because Roboter was there to help keep my chin up through it all.

Well... wait... or was it Chapter 202? I think everyone remembers Chapter 202 [a.k.a. 'Temperance'] quite well...

In any case, I've now resorted to the StarKnight Commander to take action. Yes, Roboter has finally gotten involved with this situation as my reenforcements. Siren's caused enough risen hell, and I do believe I am much too young to have to suffer from high blood pressure simply because the ex has been causing unnecessary drama.

In fact... I based that little 'Commander' part on my Starian Union [my creations... you know, Setsuna and the gang...]; Seiya [Roboter's S.U. counterpart] is the Commander of the Union, and subject alone to Princess [or rather Empress] Setsuna. It's so interesting. *LOL* If you somewhat remember last April's post about the returning Starian Union [by that it's Chapter 112, fellow Citizens]... well, roles have changed. As well as the main team. Sooo...

Here we have the new main Team. The Starian Union's been given a proper reworking...

Core team: Team Angelos
Also known as:
- The Empress' Brigade
- The Commander's Legion--
~ Setsuna / Empress and Captain of the Starian Union
~ Sakura / Prime Minister of the Starian Union
~ Hikaru [Hikari] / StarKnight Angelos [Guardian Angel StarKnight]
~ Haruka / Guardian of new Starians
~ Ryo'oki [Okonomiyaki/Miyaki] / Guardian of the Keys of Time
~ Kaguya / Guardian of the Royal Library / Commander Seiya's Guardian
~ Seiya / Commander of the Starian Union

Scion Union [Guardian StarKnight Legion]--
~ Ki'oh / Scion Angelos *original StarKnight Angelos, gave powers to Hikaru*
~ Kaioh / Scion Druid
~ Sorata [Sora] / StarKnight Vampire *original Guardian of Royal Cemetary, commissioned Seiya as new guardian for a time but proudly resumed guardian duties after seiya was appointed commander*
~ Himeko / Scion Halo *replacing Kaguya in the Scion Union*

Canterburian Union--
~ Kotoko / Choir Librarian of the Cathedral
~ Tenshi'uta [Tenshi] / Choirmaster of the Cathedral
~ Megumi / Deaconess, future Bishop of the Anglican Chapter of the Union
~ Keisuke / Guardian of the Cathedral Library

Sooo, there y'all have it. The updated roster. Seems proper, don't you think?

This means, new storyline for the newly-redone Union. I am rather excited for this.

Maybe that will be what I need to keep my mind intact throughout this new little, ahem, crisis...

And on THAT bombshell, until the next round...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #6!

2009-05-07T16:05:00.002-04:00

Welcome [back] to the 90's!! Yep, that's the theme of this month's all four Thursday Traditions. And it kicks off today with Pearl Jam--whom, I'll admit, I wasn't really a big fan of much. But... they've grown on me now! [I even have a mix c.d. of 19 tracks of awesomeness to show for it!] So, they're probably the one grunge band that I won't tire of. And, they're still going.

That said, 10 of the proper musical gems by Eddie Vedder and the guys, Pearl Jam.

~ "Evenflow"

~ "Jeremy"

~ "Go"

~ "Daughter"

~ "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town"

~ "Corduroy"

~ "Hail Hail"

~ "Given To Fly"

~ "Wish List" *Song of the Week*

~ "World-Wide Suicide"

And there y'all have it--10 good tunes from Seattle's finest, Pearl Jam!

Enjoy the noise ~ next week it's all about Oasis, and the Random 20 returns in full force with this band whose music helped me survive middle school! This promises to be a lot of fun, so tune in next week for some of Manchester's finest!

And on that bombshell... until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 207 ~ Survival of the Dandiest

2009-05-06T14:57:00.002-04:00

Oh yes... I am in a dandy, whimsical little mood. Especially as it's not helping much that the darn ex-boyfriend that is Siren is actually starting to piss me the ish off. For some of y'all on my AIM, seeing the status Happy-go-lucky in love..., well Siren decided to disrupt my workday and text me, of all things,

so you like me now whats up with you on aim

Yes, I refuse to edit any of that jerk's damn typos. I so refuse to do it.

It seems rather pathetic that, in my opinion, he just does not get it! At the moment I have to wonder, is he just *that* dense?

*sigh* There. Much better, I had to get that out of my system. Really.

And on THAT bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 206 ~ For the Goober

2009-05-01T19:34:00.002-04:00

So I'm sure someone's gonna ask, "Who the ish and Impanema is the Goober?" Well, said Goober is my former Manager Josh, whose last day at work was yesterday. You see, he's leaving for the Navy... he heads out for Boot Camp later on this month. And I hate to be honest but, inasmuch as I hate the brat [he's 20], I really am gonna miss 'im. For one, who's gonna say something to get me on my last nerve? And on the other hand, who's also gonna say something an hour later to help keep the drive-thru momentum going?

He, in a sense, was a rather annoying "little brother" that I somewhat adopted. And then he became the younger "Big Brother" when he began training for Management. In my opinion, there've been some things he said and/or done that landed him on the "Oops, FAIL" side of matters, but I still think he tried his best in everything he did. And while I'm at it, he's done quite a few great accomplishments in his 5 1/2 years at the Store.

Yes, while we got on each others nerves... a lot... we had our moments. Things hadn't been easy since he was first helping me out in the Lobby when he started. But I think that, it's certain almost to say that we've become friends. Somewhat. Sure we still become each other's royal pain in the tailfeather, but that's to be expected I guess.

In any case, I will definitely miss the Goober. That damn brat!

And on that bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #5!

2009-04-30T15:23:00.004-04:00

Alrighty then, gang. Before I get down to the tunage of the day, please, PLEASE excuse me and allow me to admit just how much of an absolute absent-minded ID10T I've been. To put it this way, everyone remembers I did the Thursday Tradition on Toad the Wet Sprocket last week, right? Well... does anyone remember Chapter 202? Aptly titled Temperance? Scroll down a bit, then scroll back up.

...okay, back? Good.

Because, yes... I posted the Spotlight on them. TWICE. >.< Epic FAIL on my part, and major apologies on a repeat performance, fellow Citizens of the Underground. That just about goes to show y'all just how much I was really paying attention between trying to update a blog and preparing for a visit from Roboter last Friday. Go me.

Now, that said, two bands have my almost-undivided attention this week inside the Tradition. One goes by the name of Better Than Ezra, the other goes by the name of Semisonic. This week there will be NO Random 20 Countdown. Instead it's gonna be ten tunes, five from each band as far as my favorites are concerned.

And with that, let's kick things back to the 90's a bit, shall we?

Band: Better Than Ezra ~
~ "In the Blood" *Song of the Week 1/2*

~ "Good"

~ "Rosealia"

~ "Normal Town"

~ "Desperately Wanting"

Band: Semisonic ~
~ "Delicious"

~ "Closing Time"

~ "Singing In My Sleep"

~ "Made To Last"

~ "This Will Be My Year" *Song of the Week 2/2*

Aaannnddd, there ya go, folks! Ten quality tunes from the 90's, which probably helped make this not so bad an era. *LOL* You know, I should make May's Thursday Traditions all 90's related, sooo: next week's Thursday Tradition spotlight will be on Pearl Jam!

Yes, Pearl Jam. I *am* a fan of Pearl Jam. What?

So, this is how I'm looking at it for the next month, Thursday Tradition-wise:
Thursday 7 May ~ Pearl Jam
Thursday 14 May ~ Oasis
Thursday 21 May ~ Radiohead
Thursday 28 May ~ The Verve

Yes, Pearl Jam, and then the three bands who shaped my school years. I am definitely looking forward to Thursdays this May!! [Which, by the way, starts tomorrow. Already!] In the meantime, enjoy the tunage! I have a funny feeling this is gonna be a fun twist to the Tradition in the coming weeks ahead...

And on that bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me

Chapter 205 ~ Slight Aftermath.

2009-04-29T17:34:00.002-04:00

So... while Roboter's visit was rather short [arriving on Friday, leaving back for New York yesterday], much was accomplished. Though not as much as I had hoped... still, there were a good few things that were taken care of.

For one, Roboter got to meet the parents--on BOTH sides of the matter! He survived rather well the visit with Dad and Stepmom, and he got to play a couple of fun rounds of Uno [best. card. game. EVER.] and caught on quick! Dad told me as I was taking care of my laundry that he thought Roboter "is a nice guy." Now... imagine how thrilled I was... hee! Roboter also got to meet Grandpa Jim, and the two talked of World War II, which both Grandpa Jim AND Roboter's dad both took part in. I was rather excited [and happy as hell, to be honest] as I watched and listened in on the conversation, which unfolded at the Dinner Table.

Monday was also the starting point for my Mom's journey to Chicago--yes, she and Stepdad are moving to Chicago! They visited me and my brother Robbie on Monday afternoon and also met Roboter. Needless to say everyone got on along rather well. And of course, Robbie... the typical smartass that he is. But, as I said, everyone got along very well. I was pleasantly surprised!

Friday was when Roboter arrived into town--the poor thing! >.< I don't blame him for having a proper panic over driving in Florida... for one I'd had my share of its hells. But, he made it in one piece... he flew in to Orlando. I'm just glad and thankful he was able to arrive in one piece!!

Saturday we mostly hung around the apartment, not much went on. Except for extra sleep. Sleeping in was definitely in order, especially after one helluva week that led to it. I for one was rather exhausted by Friday afternoon when I clocked out at work. *sigh*

My 'adopted' big brother Ani also got to meet Roboter at Church on Sunday--though I didn't get to see much of it because I was inbetween being the Chorister and being the Carilloneur [yes, I was on Carillon duty Sunday, Corky was out of town]. But apparently all kinda went well, or so that's what I'm thinking from what Roboter told me about meeting Ani. *shrug*

Oh and... I am now a newbie fan of... well... this...

Top Gear ~ The Vietnam Challenge... Part 1!

So... yes, I am a fan of Top Gear as of recently. What?

Yesterday was the longest. day. EVER. Roboter took me to work in the morning before having to catch the flight back home to spend some time with his parents. Work was kinda... well... bleah. It didn't take long for me to miss him already. And then last night, Kids Night... I now do this by myself. Last night was the first night I was in charge of it, and taking on that by myself... oh my God. It didn't take me too long before I got into a proper panic about it, because the 6-7 P.M. hour was extremely chaotic. In short, 15 kids... all. at. once. Needless to say I was drop-dead-exhausted by the time it was time to put the pics together on the wall at 8:15 P.M. And I was still exhausted when I got to work this morning. As you can tell, however, I did survive--otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it, right?

Oh and... I am officially happy to say that, Siren has FINALLY realised that, there is no such thing as a second chance for him! Oh don't get me wrong--do y'all have any damn clue as to just how long it's taken for him to realise the fact of the matter that, I don't love him anymore! At all! But he sure wanted to try to throw some two cents early on last week before trying to pursuade me to consider that second chance. And I'm sure he must've thought I wasn't serious when I told him "No" at least three times... but, as I haven't heard from him since Monday afternoon, when I told him that I don't trust him with my heart anymore [which, as y'all know, is SO true], I think it's safe to say that I finally got through to him. That, as of now, has been the biggest accomplishment of the time Roboter was here, hands down, because Roboter was there to help keep my chin up through it all.

Sooo... all in all, I had been very busy. And between the anxiety of the visit between Roboter and I, I think we were definitely able to enjoy each other's company. But now... things resume some sense of normalcy. Except, the loneliness hurts just a little more now, because of the time spent together with him. However, we still have much to tend to... yet we still have each other. It's hard to explain, but I do think our time spent together was time well spent. We're happy... that's probably all that matters now, right?

Tomorrow is the next Thursday Tradition--I'm not saying who it is... wait. Did I even mention anything about it...? No... aw hell... I'm sure I'll think of something. Some band or another. Like... maybe... oh, I don't know... maybe... erm... Better Than Ezra? Yeah! that's it! Better Than Ezra, and Semisonic 'cause I owe one on 'em too. So it'll be a double-feature on tomorrow's Thursday Tradition here in the Underground! Okay, it's official--I am psyched for this!

And on that minor bombshell, Until the nex--

oh shoot. I almost forgot.

And on THAT minor bombshell... Until the next round...

~ me

The [Long-Overdue] Thursday Tradition

2009-04-23T18:38:00.003-04:00

Toad the Wet Sprocket. Finally.

The Starian Union Radio Random 20 for Thursday 23 April 2009

1] Corporal Brown
2] Chile
3] All I Want
4] Dam Would Break
5] Something's Always Wrong
6] Fall Down
7] One Wind Blows
8] I Think About
9] Crazy Life
10] P.S.
11] Walk On The Ocean
12] Come Down
13] Way Away
14] Are We Afraid
15] Come Back Down
16] Windmills
17] Good Intentions
18] I Will Not Take These Things For Granted
19] Amnesia
20] Whatever I Fear

Honorable Mention] "Eyes Open Wide" - Song of the Week

And... well... I have more drama in my hands but, with Roboter coming to town tomorrow, I think it's best to leave the drama alone. The person responsible for starting said drama... he doesn't matter to me anymore.

Until the next round...

Chapter 204 ~ ...uh, right. Anywho!

2009-04-20T15:49:00.002-04:00

Sooo, I have a helluva long week. And the way this week looks, the last broadcast before Roboter's visit will have to be Thursday. Because, the way this week's looking, it's bound to be very hectic. Today's probably the only sane day I have to properly update, as--for one--I have early-morning shifts all week [think 5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]; and--for two--I have a full plate tomorrow and Wednesday after work. Thursday I have D.O.K. at 7 P.M., so I do have some time to update this and hopefully--FINALLY--get that Toad the Wet Sprocket Thursday Tradition posted. I know I definitely owe y'all that much! >_< Sorry, m'bad, gang!

Anyways, this is what the rest of my week looks like:
~ Tuesday 21 April [tomorrow]
- Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
- Finish tidying up the apartment; yes, it's a bit of a mess still -_-' [but not by much... sha'up!]
- Kids Night at work [5 P.M. - 8 P.M.]
~ Wednesday 22 April
- Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
- Carillon Practice -> on duty for Corky Sunday 26 April
- F.A.M.Nite - Dinner and final Discipleship class of the year [5:30 P.M. - 7:30 P.M.]
~ Thursday 23 April
- Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
- Carillon Practice [maybe]
- Daughters of the King meeting [7 P.M. - 8 P.M.]
~ Friday 24 April
- Work [5 A.M. - 1 P.M.]
- Roboter's coming to town! [As to when however...!?]

So, yeah... this is going to be one crazy-long week. Sue from the Choir [well, her real name's Susan but I call her Sue, and she's also in the Carillon guild with me and Corky] knew darn well I was rather excited for the week, yesterday at Church she was like, "I'm sure you can hold out until Friday!" I replied in all honesty, "Oh I know I can, the only matter is that, with my full plate of a schedule this week, I just hope I don't drop dead from exhaustion come Friday!" Yes, I am a wickedly-busy woman, in a good way of course. But as I once said, life begins at 25 for me. LOL

Well, that's about it for now. I still have one helluva handful of a week to face but, I think it's the thought of seeing Roboter that's encouraging me to keep going in full force. Or something to that effect. But yes, I have updated this proper! Woohoo!

Until the next round, hopefully Thursday...

~ me

Chapter 203 ~ Yippie-skippie, Zippie!!

2009-04-18T19:08:00.002-04:00

Well as everyone knows, I have a life. And all the drama that goes with it. Between family, work, church and life, it's not easy attempting to update a blog. With that said, I do apologise for the absence. Though, I do have some tunage to share with y'all... anybody remember Squeeze? Well, I found some interesting songs that I'd been hearing on the old-school indie station as of lately, and I'm sharin' them with you guys. Also, I have some damn-good news. Seriously. Are y'all sitting down?

*ahem*

Roboter is coming down to visit me this upcoming Friday.

*YYYEEEAAAHHHOOOOOO!!!*

This upcoming Wednesday night is the final Discipleship class of the year. Deacon Nana's done an AWESOME job of teaching the rest of the classes since... when? November? December? She's an awesome teacher, allows for plenty of sharing time... which often ends up having us finish class up to ten minutes late! But, who cares? Deacon Nana is an awesome teacher anyway, and it's been a proper honor to have been in her class, because she really is a good teacher.

That said, I survived--I made it through my study guide training to become a D.O.K. [you know, Daughter of the King]! And, it was worth the discipline and training too, it's going to be a bit difficult to establish a good proper set rhythm to pray. But, I do think I'll be able to make the effort. I can, and I will, with God's help of course!

Now, onward to the music! Of course, it's a spotlight on Squeeze, and on three songs in particular. Now, the first one, you SO should be familiar with. It is that one song they are just oh-so-famous for...
"Tempted" ~ Squeeze

As for these next two songs, they're tied for my Song of the Week. I just LOVE these two. Seriously. They were among their earlier hits, and I'm surprised I never really heard of these two songs until now. Which only goes to show that, mainstream radio seriously doesn't know what it's missing, really...
"Cool For Cats" ~ Squeeze

"Pulling Mussels [From a Shell]" ~ Squeeze

Well... on that crazy minor notation, enjoy the tunage, as I know I'll be posting some more in the coming days and weeks. Annnnnd, maybe we'll get a new Facebook pic up soon... with Yours Quirky and a certain special someone...!!

Until the next round...!

~ me

Chapter 202 ~ Temperance

2009-03-22T00:35:00.002-04:00

Today, for the first time in ages, I saw my ex Siren. And I totally overcame him like one would not believe.

Yes, he came over to the apartment this afternoon so we could finally get some proper closure to this whole mess that started a year ago, when we got together this time last year. Much of the hour was spent in silence, before we talked about our situation over this on our own ends. After that I was kind of gracious enough to forgive him [memo to all--it's the Christian thing to do!], to which conversation took a slightly lighter term, including the debate of the term that was "normal." Everything was fine until the next thing I knew he was trying to tickle me to make me laugh and distract me. To which I reminded myself mentally of the Tarot card that was Temperance--or, Fortitude. Or Strength. So far so good, until one thing led to another, and the next thing I knew I had continued to succeed in the battle against Siren by blocking his advances by using my arms as a barrier. I think I did win this battle and, perhaps, the war altogether when he got pissed off to the point where he simply just got up and left. No "I'll see you later" or anything.

The whole point of the barrier, was the reminder to him [and I think it sunk in real good] that, I was as good as truly no longer his, that he couldn't have his way with me anymore and assume he'd get away with it. That this was truly over, and that he had to face the consequences and repurcussions of breaking my heart. Inasmuch as he admitted the fact that he missed me, it doesn't constitute as grounds whatsoever for me to be seen as his own little amusement.

You know, I had hoped that it wouldn't have to come to that, but it seems that I was wrong. And Siren's the only ex I've ever had with such a problem addressed to me as such. I think it's finally time this war was as good as over... inasmuch as I'm sorry that the conversation ended with another person I pissed off this month [long story, don't ask!], I don't regret standing up for myself in such a manner. In fact, I'm glad I toughened up the way I did. And you know, maybe I am better off this way.

I don't think he ever realised just how much he really did hurt me until I did what I did.

In the end, I know, it's going to hurt losing a friend like this, but if he can't understand the way things are and have to be, then I don't know what else to say other than,

Don't let my apartment door hit your ass on the way out.

On a lighter note, Tuesday night at work was our first Kids Night, with me and Sissy-Two's daughter Courtney on face-painting duty. Best three hours EVER! Which also means that now my Tuesday nights are full also because in the morning I'll be working 5-11 A.M., and I'll be back 5-8 P.M. for Kids Night. Joel brought his three daughters, Melissa and her sister Rosa brought their kids, we all got our faces painted. It was an absolute blast--Roboter, when you get down here, you WILL get your face painted by Yours Truly!

Thursday nights I'm also booked from 7-8 P.M. because of the Daughters of the King meetings--yes, I was once training to be a part of the D.O.K. some three years back [I think I blogged about it a bit on MySpace but I don't remember], then fell away when work scheduling became hectic. But at the beginning of Lent this year [late February] I vowed to myself I would get back into the D.O.K., and the girls were more than happy to have me back in the sisterhood.

This past Thursday I had devotionals for the D.O.K. meeting for the week and, as this month was the 5 year anniversary of my first, last and only suicide attempt, I shared with them my story, albeit in the third person so as to remain anonymous until it was time to reveal the scar on my left arm from some 10 years back and tell the girls who that young girl was. The fellow sisters were amazed and happy that I survived and am still here. One sister, JoAnn, compared my arm to the numbers of the WWII prisoners' arms--a strong testimony to the world of survival. So, inasmuch as I am not entirely proud of the pain I suffered, I'm proud that I could finally bring closure to the pain of a time of five years. I felt a lot better too after telling them about it--I was very happy, and fighting tears too!

So, Tuesdays through Thursdays my nights are full. Oh, and Sunday nights too, because of dinner with the parents.

Meanwhile it's Stetson Homecoming this weekend, and the block party is tonight. Welcome back to StarKnight Lieutenant Pouncer who'll be in town for the weekend to celebrate Homecoming!

And, because I know I owe some tuneage, The VERY LATE Thursday Tradition Spotlight on Toad the Wet Sprocket:
Random - Top 20:
1] "Come Back Down"
2] "Whatever I Fear"
3] "Crazy Life"
4] "Chile"
5] "I Will Not Take These Things For Granted"
6] "All I Want"
7] "P.S."
8] "Good Intentions"
9] "Fall Down"
10] "I Think About"
11] "Corporal Brown"
12] "Windmills"
13] "Come Down"
14] "Walk On The Ocean"
15] "Are We Afraid"
16] "One Wind Blows"
17] "Something's Always Wrong"
18] "Dam Would Break"
19] "Amnesia"
20] "Way Away"
Honorable Mention] "Eyes Open Wide" [from the best-of P.S. - A Toad Retrospective]

By the way, Morrissey'd been sick the better part of this past month, so the concert at the Hard Rock Live--as well as a good slew of others--got cancelled. No chance of rescheduling, but here's hoping he recovers well from whatever he caught!

And on that note, until the next round...

Chapter 201 ~ Stupid bloody Multiply...

2009-02-17T18:21:00.002-05:00

Okay, so there's this site called Multiply, and I'm on there. In fact, I have a few friends who are NOT on Facebook, on Multiply. So recently it's been able to crosspost from here to Multiply. Well... on Multiply I have this group/site of sorts in which I have a handful of RPG characters, the Starian Union, which has been around for 6 or 7 years now, and last week I was assembling a list on the group of theme songs for some of the members of the Union.

Apparently, the stupid post got crossposted HERE [it's since been deleted by the way], and in turn onto Facebook. So... PLEASE DISREGARD THAT STARIAN UNION THEME SONGS BLOGPOST, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!!

Stupid bloody crossposting crap.

[/rant]

~ me

Chapter 200 ~ Four words...

2009-02-09T14:59:00.002-05:00

If there was to be any song that would put my situation best after having been sick for two highly irritable weeks, providing Divshare gets its act together so I can upload the darn song...

in the immortal words of Sir Elton John, the Bitch is back.

I do want to apologise for having been unnecessarily and unexpectedly MIA the last few weeks, and hence being rather far behind with the Thursday Tradition and, in particular, this blog. It's been a long two weeks with the illness, the cold meds and the antibiotics BUT, rest assured--I am a helluva lot better!

Now, if Divshare can gets its crap together I would LOVE to share three songs with you guys here. One of them is my Remix of the Week, and not a lot of people know this but, I love the original song. The remix just kicks it up a whole other level [which means yes, I prefer this 12" remix more than the original!].

...sadly I'm afraid the tunes will have to wait. The stupid Divshare site just isn't cooperating today. Damn. And I was really looking forward to posting new tunage too!

~ me

Chapter 199 ~ What a way to start the New Year...

2009-01-24T15:36:00.002-05:00

So I haven't been able to really get online as of the past handful of days, mainly because the weather's been brutal [hello? 28 degrees at 5 A.M.!?], which has in turn gotten me sick. Once again, I've been rendered voiceless. And it freckin' sucks. I hate it, big time. So, my apologies on being miserably slack on the blog lately. I am going to do my best to make it up, God willing the weather improves as does my health.

In the meantime, here's some tuneage--what I've been listening to as of lately. The Songs [yes, PLURAL this time] of the Week.

I was going to spotlight them in this week's Thursday Tradition but, falling ill, that wasn't going to happen. Next chance I have a Thursday Tradition they will definitely get their glow. In the meantime, here's one of my faves that I've been listening to from these guys.
"I Will Not Take These Things For Granted" - Toad the Wet Sprocket

My friend Ry got me addicted to this song last night. I haven't really stopped listening to it... yet. Goin' back about 12 years for this brilliant tune.
"Little Wonder" - David Bowie

I plan on doing a Thursday Tradition featuring them in the future, hopefully soon. Though maybe I'll wait until April--for the two-year anniversary of seeing these guys live. They're a fantastic group, nice sort of fellows too.
"Perpetual" - VNV Nation

At least 10 years ago this group kinda stole my heart. I miss this group. A lot. They're kinda on hiatus but, I've just rediscovered them earlier this week. They're next up in line on the Thursday Tradition spotlight, following Toad the Wet Sprocket.
"Made to Last" - Semisonic

And finally, glancing back quickly into the previous Thursday Tradition spotlight, the Cocteau Twins--this being from the '81 album Garlands, it's the first track on it. I actually got to listen to it some this week and, it's not bad really. Me liketh.
"Blood Bitch" - The Cocteau Twins

Enjoy the tuneage. And think kindly of me--I still can't quite talk for beans. Damn.

Until the next round...

The Thursday Tradition #3 ~ The Cocteau Twins

2009-01-16T17:24:00.002-05:00

Shaddup, I know it's Friday. *LOL* But, unfortunately, it's been a rather long week--in fact I'd no time yesterday, after a very long day which included 9 hours at work and then visiting Mom at her office, and was practically exhausted when all was said and done. So, it's a special Day-after-Thursday Tradition, and as promised it's spotlighting the amazing Cocteau Twins. This time around, I'm doing a double-take special Tradition--posting the originals and the BBC Sessions versions so you can pick for yourselves the favorite versions of some of the brilliant songs. I'm staunchly picky about these, don't ask why. *LOL*

I guess one could almost say, depends on how you want your tuneage. Some songs, both versions sound quite similar. Other songs, the versions are different in some form or another. Depends on your preference. Heh

Ready? Kinda thought so...

"Wax and Wane"
~ Original - "Garlands" [album, 1982]

~ BBC Session [15 July 1982]

"Blind Dumb Deaf"
~ Original - "Garlands" [album, 1982]

~ BBC Session [31 January 1983]

"The Tinderbox [of a Heart]"
~ Original - "Head Over Heels" [album, 1983]

~ BBC Session [my birthday! 4 October 1983]

"In Our Angelhood"
~ Original - "Head Over Heels" [album, 1983]

~ BBC Session [10 October 1983]

"Pepper-Tree"
~ Original - "The Spangle-Maker" [EP, 1984]

~ BBC Session [5 September 1984]

"Beatrix"
~ Original - "Treasure" [album, 1984]

~ BBC Session [5 September 1984]

"Serpentskirt"
~ Original - "Milk and Kisses" [album, 1996]

~ BBC Session [12 March 1996]

"Violaine"
~ Original - "Milk and Kisses" [album, 1996]

~ BBC Session [10 April 1996]

Oh and, this week's Song of the Week, another Twins tune, and a favorite of mine for a long time. This is from the album "Four-Calendar Cafe" released in... 1996, I believe...
"Know Who You Are At Every Age" - The Cocteau Twins

Well... I've been trying to get a hold on the boyfriend and, so far no luck so, until then I'll be enjoying the tuneage. And you should too.

...I hope you enjoy the tuneage!

Until the next round...

The Thursday Tradition #2 ~ Part 2 of 2

2009-01-10T20:52:00.003-05:00

This week's Song of the Week is... well... a taste of the Twins for you. And by far more interesting and almost passionate than the original version, even though it's an awesome song.

"Violaine" [BBC Session version] - The Cocteau Twins

To which I say, I don't give a damn if you can't understand what in the world Liz Fraser is saying. Her voice is that of the most beautiful--and perhaps the most dangerous and lethal--of the Mythical Sirens. And the way this song was performed... one can't sense the raw energy into this I don't know what else to tell you...

~ me

The Thursday Tradition #2 ~ Part 1 of 2 - The Random 20

2009-01-08T19:00:00.004-05:00

This week's Thursday Tradition is divided into two parts--tonight, part 1, is just the Random 20 and tomorrow there'll be more music including the Song of the Week, because next week it'll be a special Random 20 featuring one of my favorite groups that I'm now hunting down the music for as its whole: The Cocteau Twins.

The Starian Union Radio Random 20 for Thursday 8 January 2009
1] "Get Innocuous!" [Soulwax Remix] - LCD Soundsystem
2] "White Riot" - The Clash
3] "Know Who You Are In Every Age" - The Cocteau Twins
4] "Blue Monday '88" - New Order
5] "This Woman's Work" - Kate Bush
6] "Eperdu" - The Cocteau Twins
7] "Happiness" - Goldfrapp
8] "Young Lust" - Pink Floyd
9] "Black and White Town" - The Doves
10] "Scratch" - Contagion
11] "Who's Your Daddy" - Benny Benassi
12] "Theft, and Wandering Around Lost" - The Cocteau Twins
13] "Dream of You" - Schiller
14] "Lost in the Supermarket" - The Clash
15] "Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd
16] "Here Comes the Flood" - Peter Gabriel
17] "Halo" - Depeche Mode
18] "Lost" - Morrissey
19] "Rubber Ring" - The Smiths
20] "Love" - The Sundays

Part 2 tomorrow...! And some tuneage too!!

The Thursday Tradition #1 ~ Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T17:20:00.002-05:00

So I've decided to finally put numbers to my Thursday Traditions, starting with today, the first day of the New Year! Happy 2009 to you all, fellow Underground Citizens!! And of course, with the Thursday Tradition you know how random we like to rock things...

The Starian Union Random 20 ~ Thursday 1 January 2009
1] "Your Woman" - White Town
2] "Angel Dust" - New Order
3] "Get Innocuous!" [Soulwax Remix] - LCD Soundsystem
4] "The Perfect Love" - Hibernate
5] "Black and White Town" - The Doves
6] "Transmission" - Joy Division
7] "The Back of Love" - Echo and the Bunnymen
8] "Doctorin' the Tardis" - The Timelords [KLF]
9] "Scratch" - Contagion
10] "New York" - Micro Chip League
11] "Enjoy the Silence" - Depeche Mode
12] "Headhunter" - Front 242
13] "Mizerable" - Gackt
14] "Dominion/Mother Russia" - Sisters of Mercy
15] "Dream of You" - Schiller
16] "Kingdom" - VNV Nation
17] "Who's Your Daddy" - Benny Benassi
18] "Pioneers" - Bloc Party
19] "Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon
20] "Synthesize and Divide" - The Synthetic Divide

And, my top tune this week--which kinda took me some time to find. I'd forgotten just how awesome the Doves were until today!
"Black and White Town" - The Doves
*Song of the Week [Final 2008/First 2009]*

Happy New Year to one and all! And who knows? Maybe I'll have more to say in the next handful of days or so. :-)

Until the next round...

~ me

This Happy New Year...

2008-12-31T14:56:00.003-05:00

Should old acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind,
a year so long and dreary true,
the tears for auld lang syne?

For loved ones come and go so soon
that, we've somehow lacked time
for memories longer spent so dear
which now dwell in our minds.

So now gathering we all now
to celebrate the New.
Yet for some of us tears still fall
for the Old we miss, once knew.

But lift thine eyes, and have a smile,
and share a glimpse of cheer--
sweet hope for now and evermore,
this sweet, happy New Year!

Lest we forget our guardians now
whom once we held so tight,
let's breathe a silent prayer for 'em
now in eternal light,

And share a smile of faith, hope, love,
and happiness--yours, mine,
and take that cup of kindness yet
for glorious auld lang syne!

May the name of the saintly be for blessing...
~ Ani's mother ~
~ Rabbit's mother ~
~ Choir Ducky's niece ~
~ Connie's husband ~
~ Corky's husband ~
~ Hester ~
~ Juan's dad ~
~ Jeff's dad ~
~ Taubin's two pet dogs Lulu and Bozo ~
~ Ben's dog [forgot the name--sorry] ~
~ Sissy Too's dad ~
~ Normita's brother ~
~ Sarah's daughter's cousin ~
~ Paul's dad ~
~ Andie's dad ~
~ Tabbsy's uncle ~
~ Shajohnna's aunt ~
~ Elena's father ~
~ Anne's father-in-law ~
~ Melissa P.'s grandmother ~
~ Bobbie's mother ~
~ Grandma Sharon's sister in law Aunt Sue ~
~ Indy's aunt ~

May they and all the souls of the faithful departed,
by the mercy of God, rest in peace,
and may light perpetual shine on them for evermore.
Amen.

...and now, that done... it's time for THE Final Starian Union Random 20 for this year! Before I forget, yes I *will* be returning to the usual Random 20 format possibly tomorrow, just in time for the first Thursday Tradition of 2009! Now, as for today's Special Random 20: this is a 2008 Best-Of and will be a bit on the interesting side because, I have taken all the favorite tuneage that came out this year, put in one playlist, and set it to Random. Except, the first song that played became #20 for the year, the second one #19 for the year, and so on, until there was a proper Top 20. Sooo... y'all ready for the most interesting [and Final!] Random 20 Countdown of the year? Well, so am I, so LET'S GO!!

1] "The News" - Carbon Silicon
2] "Cath" - Death Cab For Cutie
3] "Sirens" - The Whip
4] "Boots of Chinese Plastic" - The Pretenders
5] "Lost!" - Coldplay
6] "The Shock of the Lightning" - Oasis
7] "Sex on Fire" - Kings of Leon
8] "Feel the Love" - Cut Copy
9] "Love Is Noise" - The Verve
10] "Oh My Heart" - James
11] "You Don't Know Me" - Ben Folds + Regina Spektor
12] "Shut Up And Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings
13] "A-Punk" - Vampire Weekend
14] "Synthesize and Divide" - The Synthetic Divide
15] "Happiness" - Goldfrapp
16] "Terminal Boredom" - The Cute Lepers
17] "That's How People Grow Up" - Morrissey
18] "3 Sevens Clash" - Alarm
19] "The Perfect Love" - Hibernate
20] "The Only One" - The Cure

And some proper tunes in particular, for the boyfriend especially, but definitely for all of you to enjoy:
"My People" - The Presets

"Graveyard Girl" [Yuksek Remix] - M83
*Honorable Mention 2008*

"Talk Like That" [Miami Horror Remix] - The Presets
*Remix of the Week [Last 2008/First 2009]*

"Feel The Love" - Cut Copy

"This Boy's In Love" - The Presets

"Happiness" - Goldfrapp

"The Perfect Love" - Hibernate

"Synthesize and Divide" [DJ mix] - The Synthetic Divide

And that'll do it for the final Underground Blogpost for 2008! It's been a madcap helluva year for all of us, between the slumping economy, Mr. Obama's historic election to the Presidency, 20 deaths [and 5 funerals!], the Episcopal Church's chaotic split, and my Quarter-Centurian Birthday. And of course, all the proper makings of a quarter-life crisis. But, all in all, it's been a whimsical year for all of us. So...

Here's to all of us, to 2009! May it be better for all of us, wherever in the world we may be!

Happy New Year 2009, to you and yours, with lots of love from the Trans-Underground Express!

~ Jenn [Sunshine]

Chapter 198 ~ What a Holiday!!

2008-12-30T18:50:00.002-05:00

Sooo... I'm back... and on a freckin' laptop!! Got a laptop [from "Santa" --alias the parents] for Christmas as well as a Doctor Who shirt [from Roboter], some Hanukkah presents from the gang at the Temple, and lots of cards! *LOL* The Christmas Eve service went alright as well, and Choirmaster Peter forgave me kindly for my lack of alertness during one part of the Prelude and the sermon--he knew I had a long day and didn't get to recharge my batteries any!

In other news, surprisingly... Morrissey's got a gig at the Hard Rock Live, Sunday 1 March 2009... and I'm going... and my pal Ry's going with me! I'M GONNA GO SEE MORRISSEY FOR THE SECOND TIME LIVE!! *squee!!*

And finally, tomorrow's the final day of 2008--and good God almighty has it been a long one! So, looking back on some of the finest moments for me here...

To start, the Top 12 Pictures of 2008 ~

January [103rd Floor, Sears Tower, Chicago]

February [about an hour after the break-up with Hikari; you'd never guess I was crying an hour prior to taking this pic]

March [Saint Patrick's resident leprepunk]

April [Oakdale Cemetery, DeLand]

May [pipes from the Visser-Rowland organ at church, Pentecost Sunday ~ Remix of the Year]

June [Sissy-Boo wearing my work tie]

July [Independence Day]

August [Presbyterian Church bell tower, Celebration]

September [decorating for People Day at work]

October [the Carillon at the church]

November [Hilton Head Island, South Carolina]

December [Christmas Candlelight Concert]

Other whimsical memories--from Roboter's two cents' worth, in my words--
The two or three 8-hour conversations on the phone.
Reconnecting back in March, where it all began a second time around.
Our 1-year anniversary in October.
The letters and cards sent and received.
Our Birthdays, and workdays good and bad.
Roboter nearly getting struck by lightning.
And at another point taping storms while on the phone with me.
Late July, when we first told each other we love each other.
Kraftwerk, Doctor Who and Top Gear.
And last night--

--which is probably the closest to face-to-face as it's going to get!
And Sunday Night Vinyl, which is made of awesome.

Obviously I can't wait for tomorrow's final Blogpost of the year. And the final Random 20 Countdown of the year too, with a final Requiem prayer to start. Who's ready for the New Year?

~ me

The Christmas Broadcast

2008-12-23T17:13:00.004-05:00

I know that Christmas is only two days away, but this is my Christmas "broadcast" as, after today, I will be ridiculously, miserably busy. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Thursday is Christmas Day. Unfortunately I will be drop-dead stressed and tired to even try to enjoy the holiday. And it doesn't help that Store Manager Joel has scheduled the Christmas party at work for TOMORROW!! That doesn't start until 2 tomorrow afternoon; and on top of that I have to work at 5 in the morning anyway, which means after I clock out I gotta run across the street to Publix to get chips and either salsa or hummus. Which is what I signed myself up to bring anyway.

Mom also has to pick me up from my workplace, as I'm to be staying over at the parents' for Christmas [HEY! Robbie's always fcuking exempt from that; WTF gives, Mom!?]. Which means whatever laundry and packing-up I've needed to do tomorrow I have to get done tonight! And that includes packing up what I'll be wearing tomorrow night AND Christmas Day.

Hold up--which reminds me: Mom [or Dad] is dropping me off tomorrow evening at the Choir Room for Christmas Eve service rehearsal. That's at 9 P.M., with the service starting with the Choir singing for half an hour at 10:30 P.M., and by the time I'm back at the parents it'll be 1 A.M. Christmas freckin' morning.

And, with my luck, my little brother and sister will be waking me up six hours later with, Jenn, time to wake up and open presents! So I'll be next to comatose AND miserable about it all. Christmas Morning service at 10 A.M., possibly back at the parents' for another hour or two after that, and then finally HOME. *sigh* And with all hopes that Roboter's Christmas present and mine for him have arrived on freckin' time. And then it's back to work on Friday [we're closed for Christmas], for that and the next two days at least, so I'll have to miss another Sunday of Church quite like I did this past Sunday.

So yes, needless to say, by the time it's all over, Christmas will have come and gone, and I will have had no chance in hell to celebrate it. Basically, it's going to be anything but merry for me. And this is my only opportunity to send out a Christmas blogpost before I get stormed for the season.

My only wish is that, everyone has a wonderful time, in spite of the circumstances, in spite of whatever wrong could be going on in the world in this season.

*sigh* I'm sorry, but it's being very difficult to be happy when it's Christmas, this time around. To be honest, I've felt like crying all afternoon. And I have. But it doesn't seem enough to cry just once; I've constantly been fighting tears that's been building up from frustration, from stress--from work, from the family, from... from life. LIFE! Enough to just break me down... inside, it just hurts. Never mind the fact that I dyed my hair purple this week, or that Hanukkah started wonderfully on Sunday night. Never mind the fact that the only presents I've been able to handle were Christmas cards and a Scrapbook I slaved myself tremendously for. Never mind the fact that I can't even slow down enough to enjoy the holiday because of the deaths that took its tolls on me, people that I know whose tables will be missing someone because the Great Presence that is Death. Never mind the fact that... that I just don't feel happy, at all, for Christmas, no matter how hard I try!

Never mind the fact that words can't even express just how I feel right now.

So, this song, I'm sending it out to all of you. I know I shared the Pretenders' version last week but, I think... this version seems proper for the season. If ever, while you hear this, your heart should tug, if ever tears should well up in your own eyes, if ever your memories overwhelm... let the tears fall. I'm right there with you, because the pain is different but the wish is still the same. Maybe the tears are for different reasons on our ends but, if ever your heart shares my same sorrow, then shed a tear. But never mind me--

I'm just someone trying to muddle through somehow...

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" - James Taylor

From my heart, from the heart of the Underground,
to your hearts and those of yours,
the Happiest of Holidays, the Merriest of Christmases.

~ Jenn ["Sunshine"]

The Pre-Christmas Tradition!

2008-12-18T17:05:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the special pre-Christmas edition of the Thursday Tradition. It is approximately ONE BLOODY WEEK until Christmas day, and what way to rock the house than with a quirky celebration filled with a whimsically proper assortment of tunage? I have kinda postponed the Random 20 because, with so much going on, it's a bit insane. But anywho...

Yes, it's time to deck--erm, rock the halls...

"Winter Wonderland" - The Cocteau Twins

"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" - The Pretenders

*Song of the Week!!*
"Christmas Wrapping" - The Waitresses

"Christmastime Is Here" [instrumental version] - The Vince Guaraldi Trio

"Frosty The Snowman" - The Cocteau Twins

AND, a little bonus showdown--the original versus the cover! Both are awesome and, quite frankly I'm going for the cover as I heard this before the original. But, hey! I want your opinion about which version's better. Sooo...

The Original: "Oi! to the World" - The Vandals

The Cover: "Oi! to the World" - No Doubt

And there y'all have it, enjoy the tunage and, until the next round... be good... Santa's on the list-checkin' these days...

Chapter 197 ~ insert eyeroll

2008-12-15T19:21:00.003-05:00

Okay, I think it's official. I am nearly SOOO over this year. Between the funerals, stress at work, and last week's cold, I think I'm really over this year. This week promises to be a very long one, and I'm sure I'll have a good amount of time to work on my present for Roboter for Christmas, while at the same time figure out the best pics to post up for my Top 12 Pics of the Year.

Though, before I resume talking with one of my buddies I'll give one proper highlight of the day--one of my regular customers who almost ALWAYS is in a good mood and often likes to rub it in, well, she was wigging out over her break-up with her boyfriend of 2 months. Now about 5 months or so ago her parents divorced, and she kinda wigged out about it too. I've been a bit kind and sympathetic about it. But not today, when she was whining about her break-up. Well... I gave her a proper memo that, life just ain't all that damn peachy...

"Wow. A divorce and a break-up within the course of 5 months ths year? Unlike you, I survived 2 colds, 2 break-ups, 20 deaths, 5 funerals, and lost my voice once. Now, what's YOUR excuse?"

She dared not say another word. I think it was about time too.

And on that note, until the next round...

Chapter 196 ~ Blah, hum-bug!

2008-12-12T15:13:00.004-05:00

Blah = That's how I've kinda felt for most of the day.
Bug = Yes, a bug. A cold. Of all things.

So yes, for the better part of this week, I've been sick. I'm still sick. I was hoping to get better soon and, yesterday seemed to look like that proper progression. Unfortunately, today, I found out just how dead-wrong I was.

Sooo... as of right now, I'm at... erm... maybe... 30-50% voice? Maybe 50% at best? In any case, I'm trying my best to NOT talk. Except maybe to Roboter, but trying to not go above a whisper. Otherwise it's been pen-and-paper mode all day, and Joel was even nice enough to let me go home just before Lunch Rush began so I could rest up. I had a much-needed nap. Maybe if Kit's heading out somewhere I'll dress up for the ocassion and go if she invites as she kind-of already knows of my fairly-voiceless condition. Otherwise I'll probably be bedridden for the rest of the evening and perhaps much of tomorrow.

In other interesting news, here's the main lowdown on next week, work-wise...
Sunday ~ Closing @ 7 P.M.,
closing crew leave @ 8 P.M.
Monday ~ Opening crew arrive @ 6 A.M.,
opening @ 6:30 A.M.
Closing @ 7 P.M.,
closing crew leave @ 8 P.M.
Tuesday ~ Opening crew arrive @ 6 A.M.,
opening @ 6:30 A.M.
Lobby closes @ 8 P.M.,
Drive-thru remains open until usual close time.
Wednesday and Thursday ~ Opening crew arrive @ 5 A.M.,
opening @ 5:30 A.M.
Lobby closes @ 8 P.M.,
Drive-thru remains open until usual close time.
Friday ~ TO BE DETERMINED!

Now, what's with the early closings and odd openings? Well, construction will be going on particularly with the Lobby/Front Counter area. And the goal is to open a week from today ready to go with the rest of our coffee stuff ready to go. And considering that I still haven't had a chance at all to go to the McD's at Wal*Mart [I was supposed to go yesterday but things were hectic there and my immune system nosedived] that means Joel's got one week to get his Front Counter/Drive-Thru team AND the Managers ready to go by next Friday. And that includes how to make the espresso, how to make lattes/cappucinos/mochas, and how to ring them up in the system and edit them to suit the customers. So needless to say, next week's going to be, hands down, the longest week of the year. While I am excited, I am also very nervous as I have absolutely no clue whatsoever as to what to expect. This could get rather interesting...

Well, on that note, I'm gonna go for a small walk, and I think it'll be back to bed for me. Voiceless and what-not. Oh joy.

Until the next round...

The Thursday Tradition #... erm...?

2008-12-11T16:28:00.004-05:00

The Starian Union Radio Random 20 for today, Thursday 11 December 2008

1] "This Charming Man" - The Smiths
2] "Boys Don't Cry" - The Cure
3] "Girls On Film" - Duran Duran
4] "Desperate But Not Serious" - Adam Ant
5] "Punk Rock Girl" - The Dead Milkmen
6] "Love To Hate You" - Erasure
7] "Pure Energy" - Information Society
8] "Heart" - Pet Shop Boys
9] "American Soviets" [Instrumental Mix] - C.C.C.P.
10] "Angel Dust" - New Order
11] "Blasphemous Rumours" - Depeche Mode
12] "I Will Follow" - U2
13] "Love Plus One" - Haircut 100
14] "Marcia Baila" - Les Rita Mitsuoko
15] "The Headmaster Ritual" - The Smiths
16] "Cities In Dust" - Siouxsie and the Banshees
17] "Boy" - Book of Love
18] "Ceremony" - New Order
19] "Add It Up" - The Violent Femmes
20] "Lips Like Sugar" - Echo and the Bunnymen

I'm only posting this mainly as, my brain's kinda fried, I've been oogling too many Paul McGann pics [he's the Eighth Doctor], and I'm sick with a cold of sorts. Surprise, surprise. I'll probably say more tomorrow; should be better by then.

Until the next round, in the meantime...

Chapter 195 ~ Adrenaline Rushing Again

2008-12-05T18:05:00.002-05:00

I still haven't fully begun to slow down as far as this holiday season's concerned. There are Christmas cards still needed to be sent, and Hanukkah is almost here. I have an hour of work, a funeral, a parade and a slumber party... and that's just tomorrow! And I also need to make presents for family, friends and boyfriend.

In other news, I finally got around to updating my MySpace. And yes, new music playlist on it too.

Finally, the highlight of this week--I'm so bloody glad that I came in to work today. For a Friday morning breakfast rush, we rocked the fcukin' suburbs!

7-8 A.M. ~ 130 cars!

Yes, y'all read proper. One hundred and freckin' thirty cars. And that has NEVER happened before! Now mind you that's a usual goal for LUNCH Rush, but this morning when we got slammed for Breakfast... well, it just didnt' seem like we had 130 cars swing through the D.T. In fact I recall looking to Sissy-Too at about 5 minutes to 8 A.M. and telling her, "I know we broke 100." So when I printed out the Car Count report almost 10 minutes later and looked at the count for the 7-8 A.M. hour, I was in a minor state of shock, "Oh sh--!!" I kept repeating to myself in a hushed whisper over and over. Sissy-Too was at first like, "Shh! Don't tell me!" but then wanted to look. And when she saw it she shared in my shock... and joy!

She took the report up to Joel right after, and while the two Managers high-5'd each other I had to cheer to the crew that,
"MY CREW IS MADE OF AWESOME!! 130 CARS!!"

So it was definitely a good day all around. And we finally made that 130-cars-an-hour count. Evidence enough that breakfast rush whoops lunch rush straight in the hiney these days.

Oh and, yesterday I singlehandedly, again, moved 111 cars from 7-8 A.M. That count of 111 is my personal record and, before 2008's over, I want to beat that record. Go for 112. Even better if I can hit 115. That's my solo car-count goal to hit before the end of the year, and I think I'm definitely determined for this.

So, now you know. Maybe it was a damn good idea after all to go work this morning. Maybe God nudged Joel enough for this. Who knew!? :-)

Until the next round...

The Sunday Tradition!

2008-12-04T16:25:00.003-05:00

Yes, it's Thursday, and it's the Thursday Tradition here in the Underground. Today the spotlight's on one of my particular favorite bands, like, ever. PLUS, some more Doctor WHO goodies, just in time for the holidays!

As I promised, it's the Sundays up in the Underground tonight. And it's my Top 10 favorite Sundays tunage of all time. I chose between the two brilliant albums Reading, Writing & Arithmetic and Blind as third and last album Static and Silence [from 1997] wasn't up-to-par. And I have a very proper Honourable Mention to note as well. So, that said...

1] I remember falling in love with this song the first time I heard it. There are times nowadays that I'll fall into a glum and this will be the song I put on. The lyrics in the chorus are just so true sometimes. Really.
~ "Love" [from Blind]

2] I actually hear this song every now and then at work. Who knew!?
~ "My Finest Hour" [from Reading, Writing & Arithmetic]

3] This is the tune that the Sundays are, if anything, well-known for. Whether everyone knew who the Sundays knew or not. My parents heard about a minute of it on the radio while we were heading to South Carolina, and then they changed it. I got kinda mad but got over it and listened to my Sundays mix all Thanksgiving long.
~ "Here's Where The Story Ends" [from Reading, Writing & Arithmetic]

4] There's something about this song. I've lost count as to how many times I've fallen asleep to this song on repeat!
~ "24 Hours" [from Blind]

5] Probably the catchiest beat I've heard from 'em. I just... I don't know... bop my head along...
~ "A Certain Someone" [from Reading, Writing & Arithmetic]

6] Chances are, I've sung along to the first two lines of the song so many times. I never really tire of it. Nice tune.
~ "Goodbye" [from Blind]

7] And this is one of the reasons why as a whole I adore the album it's from.
~ "Blood On My Hands" [from Blind]

8] Between this song and "Medicine", I'll take this song any day. And anyway, I love to sing along to this song like it's nobody's business. [Never mind the fact that I've listened to the album so many times more than RW+A...]
~ "More" [from Blind]

9] A proper tune that ended the album it's from. All in all a classic on its own.
~ "Joy" [from Reading, Writing & Arithmetic]

10] This tune can classify itself as almost--ALMOST--punky. Don't ask me as to how or why I even considered it. Maybe it's the beat. Not sure.
~ "Hideous Towns" [from Reading, Writing & Arithmetic]

Honourable Mention] To be honest with you this is my favorite cover song of all time. The original was done by the Rolling Stones and, while I really love the original version, nothing really touches this cover. Nothing.
~ "Wild Horses" [from Blind]

Well there you have it! My take on the spotlighted group, the Sundays! Hopefully y'all kinda learned something new or another in your musical education. :-)

And now, some Whovian musical treats! To start, a song that got SNV airplay last month, just in time for the 45th anniversary of the show...
"Doctorin' the TARDIS" - KLF [The Timelords]

Two, my Christmas Song of the Year. Just heard it for the first time earlier today. Still hearing it. I think it's been replaying about 10 times now... anywho, it's dedicated to my beloved fellow Whovian...
"I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek" - The Go-Go's

Oh and, one more thing. My favorite titles video on my favorite rendition of the theme...

One final note--today it was agreed between store manager Joel [it was his idea] and I that I will be working TOMORROW from 5 A.M. to 1 P.M., and Saturday I'll be from 5 A.M. to 6, for one hour. As soon as the 6 o'clockers arrive I'll be dismissed for the day so I can rest up some more and be better ready for both a funeral AND a Christmas Parade later on that night. Turns out Manager Carlina [who did the schedule to begin with!] forgot about Saturday's parade at the time she was putting the Schedule together. But in any case all is well. And today was probably the best day of the week, though some of the crew were clueless as to why I said earlier this afternoon "I'll see y'all tomorrow!"

And on that note, until the next round...

Chapter 194 ~ OMG. WTF?

2008-12-03T15:38:00.003-05:00

So you'd expect me to have a brilliant half-week so far, except... well, surprise-surprise.

Reposting from the Rant of the Day thread [that I quaintly started] on the Opacity forum...

This week's been a pissload and it's only half over! The original grill oven at work died between Monday night and yesterday morning, so we had the back-up oven sent from another store. THAT stopped working last night, and I know because I returned to work on a calendar for the crew while all hell broke loose! And between wrong times for updates and my store manager Joel in absolute PMS-mode TODAY over all the chaos of the week, uhm... yeah...

Oh and, here's the best part--I've got Friday off [uhm, yay, but WHY!?], but I work Saturday. Followed IMMEDIATELY by yet ANOTHER post-mortem service [#5 for the year] and then it's back to the workplace to meet up with the crew walking in the Christmas parade later that night!

And never mind the fact that I'm living paycheck to paycheck so I won't be able to buy Christmas presents this year. I'm surprised I could afford the box of cards and some stamps.

I really wish I could drop dead, but I can't 'cause I have to keep pressing on. But here's probably the only proper place for me to rant [besides the blog], because there really hasn't been anything good this week to think on. And I really don't want to end up ranting to my boyfriend every time the day goes to hell. Yes, I've already cried a bit today, but I don't want to overwhelm my boyfriend and get on his nerves by bitching about today. Because, I'll be honest:

Life fucking sucks right now.

*sigh* So there. Basically this week in a nutshell. I still need to mend my burn-turned-cut, and I'm starting to lose excitement over this Saturday night's Christmas parade in Downtown DeLand.

Monday we got our monthly newsletters from the store owners with the dates and times for when our store was closing early for construction/remodeling for the rest of the coffee stuff. So when I worked on the Enthusiasm Calendar for the crew yesterday and checked for the times with Supervisor Chris he was like, "Shine [*yes, chris is the only person that is allowed to call me Shine and get away with it*], the times... wait. Let me see that newsletter." I showed the newsletter to him and he's like, "Bloody hell... I mean, the dates are correct... the times are all wrong!" So of course I'm somewhat irritated. He hasn't gotten back to me yet with the correct times, so I've got basically no clue as to the whens in case the other crewfolk ask.

On my way home from work a second time [this time it was at 9:30 last night after visiting for a couple of hours, dinner, and finishing the calendar somewhat], I tried to get a hold of Roboter to let him know I was on my way home. First time around, after one ring: voicemail. The two or three times after that: straight to vociemail. So great--I was late trying to get a hold of him, and mind you I told him I'd call him when the calendar drama was over. So never mind the fact that I got a bit more frustrated over that! [Which, I know, sometimes those minor ill glitches are part of the whole relationship. But still... still!! Yeah, I'm over that minor problem because I called someone else to help "walk" me home.]

So maybe it was a good idea that I didn't get a hold of him last night because maybe he wouldn't have to hear me rant about the day as a whole. Except just now I've ranted about him so... *sigh*

Saturday is the memorial service for fellow Chorister Bobbie's mom. Terry and Steffi are picking me up from work on Saturday, and then it's back to work for the gathering so the parade legion can make it to the parade line-up together, as a group. Then after the parade it's a sleepover party at Sissy-Boo's place, and Sissy-Too's daughter Amber is staying over too. So hopefully I won't be entirely exhausted so that I can enjoy the time with the gals.

*sigh* So yes, that was my rant. I ranted about life, and work, and the boyfriend, and this week. And now I actually feel better enough to get to Discipleship class. But still...

[A minor note--Roboter, I'm sorry I had to plunker you into the rant, but I've been having a rather frustrating week, time hasn't been very kind to me, and neither has been life or God. And it kinda hurts when the one person I can count on to be there when the day is done... well... isn't there. I still love you--I just wanted to let you know why I had to rant about you. As I said, this week's been a long one.]

Sooo... in closing, and considering all that I've been through, two songs by Liam Lynch...

This is dedicated to the current state of things...
"United States of Whatever" - Liam Lynch

And this being my Song of the Week, is dedicated to the few people that's gotten on my bad side which, this week, ranged from very annoyed to duck and fucking cover...
"The Happy Song" - Liam Lynch

*whew* Okay. Ranting done. On with the second half of my week.

Until the next round...